“Enema of the State” Cover Art Only Thing Reminding Aging Punk to Get Yearly Colonoscopy

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

FAIRFAX, Va. — Local aging punk Blake Feinstein credits the cover art for Blink-182’s “Enema of the State” as being the only reason he remembers to get regular colonoscopies, sources close to the colon confirmed.

“I never schedule my colonoscopy ahead of time. After every one, they ask if I want to schedule my next since I have a history of colon cancer in my family, and I say no because my system works. I wouldn’t leave it up to chance,” said Feinstein. “I don’t know what I’d do without the ‘Enema of the State’ nurse lady. The album inevitably makes it back into my rotation right on schedule and her menacing gloved hand is all I need. The last time I went, one of the nurses almost kind of looked like her too. Can’t wait to get my next one.”

Stanley Klein, a gastroenterologist at Inova Fairfax, shared findings that indicate this colonoscopy scheduling technique may be more common than previously thought.

“Thanks to online portals, we’re able to run more surveys than ever and it’s easy to gather data on how people found us and things like that,” said Klein. “In the past couple years, our practice has found that many people are selecting the ‘Other: Blink-182 cover art’ option in the ‘What made you schedule this appointment?’ section of our post-appointment questionnaire. It’s accounted for up to 75% of procedures, recently. In fact, thanks to Blink-182, all of our rectal exam procedures have been non-stop.”

Colon health advocacy and outreach groups are taking advantage of these findings, Quentin Smyth of the “Get Tubes Up Butts” group confirmed.

“When it comes to preventative health and cancer screenings, it’s important to use every tool at our disposal to get the public informed and interested,” said Smyth. “We must embrace this and further harness the power of the scary yet incredibly hot nurse on the ‘Enema of the State’ album. May she terrify and arouse us all into getting our colons screened regularly. We cannot underestimate this form of outreach when it comes to reaching in there. Get your butts checked, people!”

At press time, the NIH is reportedly looking into this phenomenon and researching whether the cover art for “The Velvet Underground & Nico” can get people to take potassium intake more seriously.

ICE Agent’s Wife Hoping Her Family Gets Torn Apart Next

Posted on by Ryan Danley

TUCSON, Ariz. — A local ICE agent’s wife Karen Wilkins is really hoping her own family gets torn apart, after years of watching her husband forcibly separate families at the border, confirmed sources.

“When Todd and I got married I could think of nothing but raising a family with him. But I must have been drinking crazy juice, because at this point I’d rather spend the rest of my life married to a serial killer. At least they have the decency to spend the majority of the time acting like their not a psycho, ICE agents wear it like a badge of honor,” Wilkins said, stuffing a suitcase with clothes while her husband was at work. “Todd comes home every night bragging about how he’s ‘upholding the law’ by tearing screaming kids away from their parents, so I figured—why not us? Maybe ICE can show up, drag me and the kids out in the middle of the night, and send us anywhere that’s not in a house with a man who calls deportations his ‘March Madness bracket.’”

Despite Wilkins’ enthusiasm, her husband was hesitant to endorse the idea.

“Look, it’s different when I do it at work. When I separate families at the border, it’s about national security. If ICE showed up and took my wife and kids away, that’d be, like, a total human rights violation,” Todd Wilkins explained, completely missing the fact that his wife was shoving passports into her purse. “Just because I come home smelling of children’s tears, anguish, and broken dreams doesn’t mean I can’t be a good father. I’m a good Christian, goddammit!”

Reports indicate that Mrs. Wilkins’ departure sparked little sympathy from ICE officials, who saw it as just another routine case.

“In the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, we believe family separation builds character,” said Janet Reynolds, Director of ICE Family Services, casually shredding asylum applications. “Whether it’s an immigrant family at the border or an agent’s wife realizing she married a sociopath, we see it as a win. This is simply the way things are meant to be. And where exactly is Mrs. Wilkins from? Looks like she’s only third-generation American. Hope she likes drinking toilet water—at one of our beautiful facilities, of course.”

At press time, Mrs. Wilkins successfully fled to Canada with her children, where she was reportedly enjoying universal healthcare, humane immigration policies, and the peace of knowing that her ex-husband was stuck in Arizona, alone with his own reflection.

Nature Is Healing: 5 Places in Your Apartment That Dolphins Have Reclaimed

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

It is no stretch of the imagination to say that the world is in pretty rough shape. A Life Model Decoy of Elon Musk has been elected President. Eggs cost more than $2000 per shell, not including the styrofoam container. The new Disney+ Daredevil show is mediocre at best.

But don’t lose hope! If you look at the world, there is always a bright spot to be found and the scientific community has announced a beautiful sign that nature is unquestionably healing: the dolphins have returned to reclaim multiple parts of your apartment.

Yes, we humans may have been giving nature the kind of beatdown usually only found in Scorsese films, but the gentle jesters of the ocean aren’t letting that get them down and have reclaimed their ancestral homes in your third-floor walkup, despite your newly signed lease.

So far, researchers have confirmed stable populations of dolphins in the following parts of your single-occupancy apartment:

The Bathtub: When we picture a dolphin majestically leaping out of the water or forming an underwater gang to bully weaker undersea creatures, where do we see it? That’s right, in the bathtub of your apartment, happily splashing in the dusty clawfoot that your landlord swears he’s going to get around to fixing one of these days.

The Breakfast Nook: Scientist are cautiously optimistic that the pod of Atlantic humpback dolphin currently having recreational sex in your breakfast nook may be able to form a sustainable ecosystem, particularly as you are now legally required by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to ensure they have a constant and fragrant supply of estuarine fish to gorge themselves on.

Under Your Twin Bed: It brings a joyful tear to our eye to report that the dusty space under your twin bed, in which you have not had a partner for over 17 weeks, is now home to a cavorting group of Flippers! It’s a good thing you weren’t getting any action, because that EEE-EEE-EEE thing they do is a real mood killer, to be honest.

Your Dark Corner of Anger Against a World That Wrongs You at Every Turn: Whoa, you have a whole corner of your apartment set aside for that? What are all these scratch marks on the wall? Is that…bl– you know what? We don’t wanna know, it’s dolphins now! Yay!

Dishwasher: It’s been pretty nice having a dishwasher, hasn’t it? Even a tiny little one that smells like mildew and only works with some kind of dry detergent only made in Estonia. Well, those days are over, because four bottlenose dolphins own it now.

Concert Attendee Gnaws Off Own Ankle After Stepping in Spilled Beer Sticky Trap

Posted on by Shane Pauker

OAKLAND, Calif. — Concertgoer Seth Mosley had no choice but to chew off his own foot after it got stuck to the floor in a trap set by years of spilled Pabst Blue Ribbon, confirmed sources seen tip-toeing around the Bottom of the Barrel venue ever since.

“I thought the floor would let up, but it pulled harder every time I tried to escape, like some Chinese finger trap,” Mosley remembered in a hospital bed. “I just came to see Subsonic Eye. I wanted a good view. I stepped in a beer trap. I did my best not to panic. But after being stuck watching two awful, no-good opening acts I knew I had to escape. I poured an IPA onto the floor to dissolve my foot free, and I just got crusted in worse! I had no choice. I had to gnaw my way out or watch a third opener, so I did what any normal person would, and chewed through my foot until it was completely severed, bones and all. Besides walking, I almost never use that foot anyway.”

Venue staff acknowledged the trap’s existence but admitted there was nothing they could do about it.

“I found that guy’s foot, what with all the viscera and lager. You might be thinking that it sounds like a mess to mop up. Well, that patch was already a bastard to clean before it had foot blood all up in it,” explained longtime venue janitor Sal Bucco. “Believe me, I’ve tried everything to clean up that particular area. I’ve tried throwing water on it and letting it soak overnight. I’ve tried dumping dish soap on it. Hell, I’ve even tried not thinking about it and hoping it’d go away on its own. But when even sweeping it up failed, I knew that it was just part of this venue’s permanent character.“

As news of Mosley’s foot spread throughout the Bay Area scene, punks pushed for improved venue conditions.

“Fans have a right to humane treatment!” punk rights activist Angela Derby explained on a picket line in front of Bottom of the Barrel. “If you want to capture an audience, you should either plan on a painless release, like by allowing ins and outs, or kill them quickly and humanely, like with a giant snap trap. Leaving fans in place on sticky, beer-soaked floors like they’re flies on fly paper only prolongs their suffering. We can’t — and shouldn’t — have another Seth permanently stuck behind a six-foot-tall human barricade.”

Going forward, Bottom of the Barrel announced they will retain a bulldozer to scrape stuck attendees free.

Mitch McConnell Settling Into Retirement by Destroying All the Houses Jimmy Carter Built

Posted on by Tom K

FRANKFORT, Ky. — Oft-succumbing and soon-dying United States senator Mitch McConnell revealed his post-political plans of destroying all the houses Jimmy Carter built during his time with Habitat for Humanity, confirmed sources who even spotted him with a gas can and book of matches.

“After spending more years in political office than most people have lived, it’s extremely liberating to just be freely and belligerently destructive at my own pace,” explained McConnell to a slightly disorganized coat rack he mistook for a reporter. “My life and career have been defined by a strong and unwavering opposition to the less fortunate, but up until now it’s all been on paper. I haven’t been able to really roll up my sleeves, put boots on the ground, and just strangle a poor person, ya know? But first, these Carter-shacks gotta go now that he can’t hurt me anymore.”

This interest in demolition is not new, however, as Habitat for Humanity staff have identified numerous past appearances by the senator.

“Yep, he’s been out here quite a few times,” reported the organization’s on-site gerontologist Gerald Wayfeather. “Always coming in after his Sunday mall-walk, right after Mr. Carter used to leave for the weekend. Ol’ Mitchy would run around all day slapping drywall, gnawing on support beams, falling through plate glass windows until he was all tuckered out. Not a care in the world other than blind antagonism, bless his heart.”

Experts often point to passion projects such as these to keep one’s life full of vigor well into old age.

“Retirement should be about rediscovering the roots of your identity,” stated AARP spokesperson Bertram Hannick. “It is important for former lawmakers, jaded by years of political deadlock, to use their newfound independence for becoming the fullest, most unrelentingly primal pieces of shit they couldn’t quite be during their career, though not for a lack of trying. For instance, when Strom Thurmond retired, he would spend his time stealing food from old people who just received a hot dish from Meals on Wheels.”

At press time, McConnell planned to expound on his malevolent personal endeavors in the forthcoming memoir, “Human Impediment: Tales of a Worthless Life, Soon Forgotten.”

New Primary Care Physician? My Roommate Thinks Antibiotics Are a Hoax and Has Tons of Health Podcasts To Show Me

Posted on by Tim Sheard

New insurance means finding a new PCP. Thankfully, my roommate Kaleb took an online holistic sound-bath course and really knows his stuff. He says since I don’t have a doctor, I don’t have to endure their bullshit vaccine lies. I am waking up from a history of deception. In fact, Kaleb’s constant medical advice has me wondering: do I even need a PCP? I have the smartest roommate in Miami-Dade County!

Kaleb has a lot to say about the medical industrial complex. We don’t even have Tylenol or Band-Aids in the apartment. “Skin heals itself, bro. Our ancestors didn’t have soap,” says Kaleb smoking a cig, blistered and barefoot. This is way more chill than heading into some lame clinic. Kaleb doesn’t take insurance, he takes loosies. Kaleb doesn’t give prescriptions, he gives truth.

Over a glass of raw milk, Kaleb explains how we’ve grown into weak medicated betas. He’s kind enough to share his raw meat and wet soil with me. Kaleb fires up desktop clips of RFK Jr. giving health speeches. Boy, I’m lucky to have such smart friends. And this is all super generous of him, especially since his neck is so stiff from the polio, poor guy has difficulty turning his head to comment on bookmarked Rogan videos.

When I take out my phone, he grabs ahold and throws it into our swimming pool. “5G is destroying your semen!” he screams. I have to admit, despite the lack of evidence, he makes a good point. Why haven’t any of these so-called “medical professionals” warned me about the Chinese phone networks depleting my swimmers? I know what those antenna towers are for.

Without my phone I feel naked but safe in Kaleb’s embrace of homespun medical care. We celebrate with an “all-natural” concoction: a blend of cucumber juice, his mother’s breast milk, fermented goat piss and unfiltered pond water. I feel more alive than ever, my head thrumming with a soft buzz. Maybe it’s the water-borne amoeba snacking on my brain. Kaleb says it’s my “thinking lobes” getting bigger.

Unfortunately Kaleb also thinks rent is a hoax, so we’ve had to kick him out. It’s all copacetic: he’s doing van life in the backyard. Can’t lose my doctor! In fact, we have a check-up scheduled later about my measles rash, but Kaleb’s got plenty of carrot juice so I’m feeling confident I can kick this.

Dave Mustaine Urges Trump to Outlaw Bands Firing Their Best Guitarist

Posted on by Ryan Danley

WASHINGTON — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine is petitioning the Trump administration to institute a new law to prevent bands from firing their best guitarist, headbanging onlookers reported.

“I don’t care what anyone says—I’ve seen it happen way too many times, and it’s wrong,” said Mustaine. “Bands kick out the guy who brings the riffs, the soul, and the fire. If you’re the most talented guitarist, not to mention the handsomest, you should be the one in control of your future. It’s like cutting off your right arm for no reason and replacing it with the Exodus guitarist’s arm. I’ve watched it happen with all sorts of bands, like ones where the best guitarist gets the boot because of politics or personality clashes. I’m the one who brings the energy, the riffs that people can’t forget. I don’t care how successful a band is after their best guitarist leaves! I mean at least give them credit for ‘The Four Horseman.’ It’s time for our government to step in!”

President Donald Trump, always quick to align with Mustaine, voiced his full support.

“Dave is a legend, and I’m 100% behind him on this,” Trump said. “Bands can’t just get rid of their highest quality guitarist. That’s just sad. No band ever succeeded without their original lead guitarist—except for maybe a few, but they didn’t have Dave Mustaine. Believe me, I’ll sign an executive order on this. It’s time to protect the great musicians, who were metal guys but now are born again Christians and support MAGA, who’ve been screwed over.”

While the president’s backing has rallied some to Mustaine’s cause, others, like Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, are skeptical.

“Oh great, another law protecting washed-up guitarists from the consequences of their own egos. Maybe we should also ban bands from replacing drummers who ‘find Jesus’ mid-tour, or ban starting a new band because your gooner guitarist spent all the band’s money on OnlyFans,” Ocasio-Cortez added. “I know the cis white guys are feeling sad these days, but are we going to create a whole new level of victimhood for aging rockstars who were disappointed four decades ago? And did any of these guys ever stop to consider that maybe—just maybe—they got fired because their singing sounds like the Cryptkeeper doing karaoke?”

At press time, Mustaine was reportedly drafting a follow-up proposal demanding that all fired guitarists be legally entitled to release an album called “The Real Metallica, Vol. 1.”

Five Songs We Listened To This Week And Accidentally Leaked to The Atlantic

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Hey there! How ya holding up? Can we get you anything? A drink? A full frontal lobotomy? Oh. You’re ‘good’? Fair enough. The least we can do is offer you some comfort in these crazy times, so here are five new songs that made us do that little half smile we do when we’re actively having a panic attack but don’t want to draw attention to it. Enjoy!

PUP ft Jeff Rosenstock ‘Get Dumber’

It should come as no surprise that a Jeff Rosenstock feature on a PUP song goes off like the dirtiest atomic bomb you’ve ever seen. With their forces combined, ‘Get Dumber’ sounds like a gang of gremlins who simultaneously discovered fire and distortion pedals and reacted by bashing through hooks and screaming – trapped in an existential crisis they refuse to solve. It’s loud, it’s reckless, and it actively shaves points off your IQ in the best way possible.

Sum 41 ‘Sleep Now In The Fire – Rage Against The Machine Cover’

Sum 41 have officially left the chat, and decided to leave everyone on read with the most absurd choice of all time. That’s right, they covered Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Sleep Now In The Fire’ (we assume ‘(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)’ was deemed too obvious). It sounds like the feeling of watching your least mechanical friend hot-wire your car: totally unexpected, definitely illegal, but still impressive?

Viagra Boys ‘The Bog Body’

If you were to randomly wake up in a smoked out van barreling into a swamp at top speed, there’s a good chance Viagra Boys latest single ‘The Bog Body’ would be absolutely blasting from the 8-track player. True to the band’s form, their latest single has the swagger of a drunk friend at a house party who just threw up in a fish tank right before suggesting shots. The vocals sound like dropping a lit cigarette in a pint of beer, and don’t even get us started on the guitars. Long live the bog.

St. Vincent ‘DOA’

St. Vincent has contributed a new track to the upcoming horror/comedy movie ‘Death Of a Unicorn.’ Seems the film has a bit of a fantasy element, so there might be a mismatch of tone here. ‘DOA’ sounds like it should be the theme of an ‘80s B-movie in which Annie Clark plays a chain-smoking detective who’s too drunk to function, but still ten steps ahead of the antagonist. Since it’s an A24 film, there’s like a 90% chance we just gave away an integral side plot here, though.

Laura Jane Grace and the Trauma Tropes ‘Mine Me Mine’

Historically, there are two sure signs that spring is officially in the air: taxes are due, and Laura Jane Grace has formally announced her latest band. The latter typically helps soothe the capitalistic dread caused by the former, and the latest track from LJG’s hundredth band, the Trauma Tropes, is no exception. ‘Mine Me Mine’ is a blistering rebuke of the ultra wealthy that will make you want to slam dance while also committing tax fraud.

Even though you’re too modest and polite to say it, we can tell you probably want some more songs. That’s why we took the time to compile these and more into a handy playlist for you. We’re just that selfless. Listen, follow, and escape the dread below:

MAGA Conservatives Unite in Outrage After Woman Makes Valid Point

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHARLESTON, S.C. — MAGA devotees united in shock and outrage in protests across the country after local woman Helen Graves made a valid point regarding the effectiveness of gutting the Department of Veterans Affairs, belligerent and screaming conservatives have confirmed.

“I have never felt so disgusted seeing a woman voice her opinion on a topic I am one hundred percent pretty sure I’m right about. First of all, who the hell let her watch the news and secondly why does she think she’s qualified to bring up denying services to veterans with PTSD which will lead to long term mental health issues?” said demonstrator Alan Munson in the parking lot of what was until recently the local VFW. “We’re here to let her know that if she wants to spread her feminazi ideas about supporting our troops she can just slap a yellow ribbon magnet on her minivan and not make us patriots realize vet care is more nuanced and complicated than DOGE makes it out to be!”

Graves was stunned that her comment sparked a national backlash.

“All I did was respond to some story my uncle reposted on Facebook, pointing out screwing over people who served our country isn’t in everyone’s best interest. That’s it. Three hours later there’s 20,000 death threats in my DMs and protestors outside my house claiming I’m converting kids into militant lesbians in my basement,” said Graves. “I’ve seen other people make the same argument without this much heat, do they really have nothing else to be mad about? Guess I have no choice but to add ‘pointing out the obvious’ to the list of things I’m not allowed to do as a woman.”

Political analysts noted that a negative reaction of this proportion is becoming the norm.

“The number one thing people underestimate about America is how much this country hates women. Yes, progress has been made but look how quickly women’s voices are being eroded the moment it becomes more socially acceptable to be a misogynist dickbag towards women making sense in public,” said analyst Caitlin Bunker. “We’ve seen polls indicating that MAGA men would rather lose their livelihoods and die penniless due to Trump’s policies than heed advice from a person they view as a human incubator. Seriously, it’s that fucked up.”

As of press time, the firestorm around Graves intensified after old social media posts surfaced referencing that Nazis were the bad guys in World War II.

Absolutely Devastating: The Old Man in This ‘80s Movie Is Like 35

Posted on by Dan Rice

I just had the most horrible experience. There I was, minding my own business, watching “My Dinner With Andre” so that I could mention watching it to people in passing and they’ll think I’m better than them. All of a sudden out of nowhere Wallace Shawn, who we can all agree has always been incredibly old, casually offers up that in that movie, he is 35 years old.

That’s. Not. possible. I’m 36!

At first, I thought “What an odd choice to make the character so much younger than the actor, especially when he’s playing himself” but I looked it up, and sonofabitch he was right!

It’s a real headscratcher because both the character and the man playing him are actually younger than I am, and yet Wallace Shawn is very, very much an adult in this film. This has to be a glitch in the matrix or something right? Wallace Shawn can’t be 35 in this movie because I’m already 36, and I’m still in my twenties! Wait. Oh. I never said that out loud before. Hmm.

I’m not old! This doesn’t make any sense! When I look at myself in the mirror I don’t look like Wallace fucking Shawn, I look like me! Only older! Oh. Fuck.

Hang on… am I old? Is this how I find out I’m old now? Am I supposed to be bald and own sweaters and shit? Am I supposed to sit at fancy restaurants listening to guys like André Gregory vamp poetic about theater and existentialism and like, not really get it all but deep down desperately want to, or whatever the fuck?

Wait, does that mean this is how my life turned out? This is me, fully formed? That sucks! I know 20 years is a long time to work at a bookstore, but in the back of my head I always still assumed I would grow up to be something cool, like a famous artist or a spy! Can I still be a spy? Let’s see, googling Sean Connery + James Bond + age and… 33?! James Bond was thirty fucking three?! Oh my God… it’s over!

Wait… hang on. Yeah. Okay. I just remembered. I’m actually 39.