Haunted Doll Can’t Believe Goodwill Employee Only Pricing It at $4.99

Posted on by Ben Friedman

OCEAN TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Tilly, a haunted Victorian era doll recently donated to a local Goodwill, is on the cusp of tormenting the souls of every employee in the store after being priced at a paltry $4.99, frightened shoppers have reported.

“This feckless laborer knows nothing! I have not spent 200 years in this vessel, devouring countless souls and driving people to the brink of insanity to only end up priced cheaper than something called a ‘Hard Rock Cafe Denver margarita glass.’ He could have at least put me in the glass display cabinet with the cursed jewelry,” said Tilly. “Does this buffoon not sense my aura? I am evil incarnate, and I can float. This is real dead child’s blood on my dress, not ketchup or whatever he assumed. But no, someone saw to it that I am equals with an old keyboard.”

The Goodwill employee who assessed Tilly’s value did not see an issue with the price tag.

“I think one of my coworkers is playing a prank on me because I keep hearing someone whisper that I’m a cheapskate but when I turn around there’s no one there. I have a tried and true method of pricing our donations. For instance the creepy ass doll that came in earlier reeks of sulfur and its eyes blink intermittently,” said Randy Paulson. “Frankly I’d price it lower, but apparently it has a voice box which I didn’t think existed for a doll this old. Somebody clearly has an issue with my appraisal because it keeps mysteriously appearing amongst more expensive stuff like knives and sharp power tools.”

Experts noted that haunted objects need to be handled much differently from other donations.

“Yeah, see the problem is that since haunted objects are sentient, they also have an ego. All it takes is one hapless store clerk slapping a clearance tag on a demonic stuffed animal to set them off on a killing spree,” said auction house owner Debra Hollis. “Dolls like Tilly belong in their natural habitat, specifically in forgotten rooms of old antique shops or at estate sales in dilapidated mansions where all of the inhabitants were driven mad. It’s best to pay top dollar and then store them away before they kill you in your sleep.”

As of press time, Tilly possessed Paulson in order to change her price tag to $666, saying “I’m worth it, dammit.”

Opinion: Is This Family MAGA, or Just Blonde?

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

My family and I love living here in Montclair — there are restaurants for my wife and me, theaters and museums for the kids, and we absolutely adore our neighborhood. But something’s happened recently: this family, the Connors, moved in across the street about two months ago, and they’re a little…let’s say, suspicious. There’s the father, Marshall, his wife Judy, and their son and daughter. They’re a nuclear white unit, and here’s the kicker: all of them are blonde. We’re thinking they might be, y’know… “MAGA.”

Ever since the Connors set up shop on our street, we’ve been trying to get a sense of whether they’re a Trump-loving bunch with a secret stash of red baseball caps to cover their golden locks. During a recent conversation I learned that Marshall chops his own wood for fires – seems a little conservative, right? But then again, I wish I could do that, so we can’t use it as definitive evidence.

I thought we had some solid evidence about these blondies being weird Elon Musk apologists after Judy was talking with my wife Erin about how much she loved Colleen Hoover. To me, that’s a surefire sign, but Erin said that Judy apparently also loves Toni Morrison. Judy is a wildcard at best.

Recently, at their daughter Kate’s birthday party, I sent our daughter Cara to “wander” upstairs and tell us if she saw any guns lying around anywhere, especially big ones (but told her not to touch them – I’m a responsible dad). She didn’t find any guns, but did see a katana on the wall in Marshall’s office, which just suggests he might be a secret weeb, if anything.

The next few items on my checklist I went through in rapid succession: obnoxiously large, American-made car? No, they drive a Subaru, God damn it. Bringing up religion at weird moments? No, they say grace at dinner but that’s about it. And worst of all, no off-putting opinions about how college makes kids liberal and woke or whatever. I think their son Jack wants to go to Villanova. If this family is MAGA, they hide it pretty freaking well.

Cara ran to the window this past Saturday and said that Marshall was putting up a sign in their yard. This is it, I thought, the definitive answer. Sure enough, there he was…but it wasn’t a Trump sign, it was just a yard sale. Maybe the Connors are just blonde after all. Still, constant vigilance.

Man Coming to Terms With Fact He’ll Never Feel Same Happiness as He Did Seeing Weird Al’s “Dare to be Stupid” Video for First Time

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOCKPORT, N.Y. — Local 35-year-old man Richard Colburn recently came to the stark realization that he will never again experience joy like he did watching the Weird Al “Dare to be Stupid” music video on “Al TV” for the first time, depressed sources report.

“I thought being a father, having a beautiful wife, and even having my picture taken in the front seat of Grave Digger would bring me even just a tiny morsel of the same joy I experienced watching Weird Al put his head in a microwave to give himself a tan, but it’s all been futile,” Colburn explained. “I suppose it could be worse. At least I know when my happiness peaked, unlike 90% of the other people my age I know who seem to have never enjoyed anything ever at all, not even Weird Al inexplicably wearing pool goggles or a group of adults squeezing Charmin around a table or anything. Poor saps.”

Colburn’s wife claims to have spent years of their marriage doing whatever she can to help her husband cope with his recent revelation.

“When Rich told me, I was a bit thrown off. I never knew the Eat It guy brought him so much delight,” Jessica Colburn explained while wearing a yellow jumpsuit. “Since then, I’ve tried to do things like dress like they do in that video and I even made a little stop-motion reenactment of our first date for our 10 year anniversary. Nothing works. Not even that time I slowly emerged from a giant vat of mashed potatoes on his birthday one year and said ‘mashed potatoes can be your friend.’”

Mental health professionals say many Millennial patients share similar stories to that of Colburn.

“The advent of music television in the 1980s, and its continuation into the 1990s, exposed many children to a wide range of scarring content,” Dr. Brenda Tilburg stated. “My patients have made references to the Primus ‘Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver’ music video as the point they were first overcome with the prospect of their own mortality. Needless to say, MTV was the death knell for the potential of any sort of happiness for the Millennial generation.”

At press time, Jessica Colburn rented “Transformers: the Movie” for her husband in an attempt to expose him to a way to enjoy “Dare to Be Stupid” in another context.

Scientists Confirm Democrat Lawmakers’ Spines Are Softest Naturally Occurring Material on Earth

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

BOSTON, Mass. — Scientists confirmed that Democrat lawmakers’ spines are by far the softest material on the planet, and quite possibly in the known universe, confirmed sources who didn’t have any follow-up questions.

“We didn’t think it was physically possible for anything to be so flimsy,” said lead researcher at MIT, Dr. Helen Klovitz. “The findings have been truly remarkable. They failed every single one of our strength tests. We had to invent more and they failed them too. The most incredible thing is their readiness to crumble. Most spines collapsed before experiments even began, many while they were just filling out the preliminary paperwork. The mere possibility of external pressure being applied was enough for them to preemptively give way. In fact, we found that jellyfish are far more durable than Adam Schiff’s spinal column.”

Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer, found curled up in the fetal position under his office desk, dismissed the findings as propaganda.

“Clearly this study was orchestrated by Russia. Or Joe Rogan. Or Bernie Sanders. Or voters who aren’t smart enough to see how brilliant we are. Quite possibly they’re all in cahoots with each other,” Schumer mumbled while his bones were audibly liquefying. “The important thing at this historical moment is to continue to oppose President Trump and the Republicans by giving them stern looks of disappointment and occasionally waving a clenched fist behind closed doors. This will set us up well for the midterms.”

Independent voter Alice Womble took a moment from screaming into a pillow to share her experiences trying to get in touch with local representatives.

“I feel stuck,” Womble said. “When I call my local Democrats’ office I get a pre-recorded message saying, ‘The Republicans are in power, call them.’ When I call my local Republicans’ office they just kind of laugh maniacally. Is there not some space between snivelling cowards and assholes with a death wish? I just want the minimum wage to be raised and healthcare for all. And it turns out, Democrats are evolutionary challenged to put forth meaningful laws or fight for anything.”

At press time, research had moved on to whether Republican lawmakers’ hearts are the hardest naturally occurring material on earth.

Opinion: If We’re Going To Ignore Years of Medical Research, We Should at Least Make Cigarettes Healthy Again

Posted on by Holden Klym

Look, I’m not one to complain. For the past sixty years, I’ve been a proud American who’s enjoyed exactly two things: my freedoms and my smokes. Science took both of those joys away from me. Now that modern medicine isn’t real, I have one request: let’s bring back the golden age of cigarettes.

Think about it: if we’re learning that vaccines are a government conspiracy, seat belts don’t work, and drinking raw milk straight from the cow is safer than what’s on store shelves, then why are we still acting like smoking is bad?

Back in my day, doctors prescribed a pack of Camels for a scratchy throat. I used to be able to light up in a hospital room without the nurse asking me to stop blowing smoke in my newborn’s face. Now my kid can’t go buy me a pack until he’s 21? There’s no point in even being a father.

Nowadays everyone is “tobacco-free” and in therapy. These younger generations are all hooked on SSRIs when they should be solving their issues with a Newport and a lighter. Take mental health out of the health industry and put Big Tobacco back where it belongs. Let’s put a Surgeon General’s warning on nicotine cessation products that says, “You’re embarrassing your grandfather.”

Men need role models that will teach ‘em how to roll their own cigarettes at a young age to avoid succumbing to the so-called masculinity crisis. This never happened when we had the Marlboro Man. You think he worried about his lung capacity? No, sir. He lit up, took a deep drag, and kept being a damn American. He didn’t go to drag shows and complain about the environment, he polluted the world as much as he saw fit. Let’s remind today’s youth that a real man doesn’t sip kombucha — he breathes in pure, unfiltered freedom.

So, until we start treating cigarettes with the respect they deserve, I refuse to quit. My body, my choice, right?

King Diamond Hoping Nobody Notices His Latest Concept Album Just the Plot of “Hocus Pocus”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

COPENHAGEN — Prolific metal singer King Diamond hoped nobody would notice his eponymous band’s new concept album “Infernal Curse” followed the same plot as the 1993 children’s fantasy film “Hocus Pocus,” sources report.

“I entered the studio with a great idea for a story,” Diamond said sheepishly. “It dealt with three witches from the 17th century who were resurrected after a virgin lit a black candle on All Hallow’s Eve, and the efforts to stop them made by a man they had cursed into being an immortal black cat hundreds of years ago. It wasn’t until the entire album had been written and recorded that it came to my attention that this had already been done in a quirky Halloween movie in the early ‘90s. I was pushing 40 at the time, so how was I supposed to know? The only thing I can do now is go forward with the album and hope nobody notices the several references to Sarah Jessica Parker.”

King Diamond fan Patrick Clark the lyrical content of the new album sounded familiar.

“Hell yeah, I’m so pumped for a new album from the King!” Clark exclaimed as he opened his preorder of the CD. “It’s been 18 years, so I can’t wait to hear Andy Larocque’s signature neoclassical shredding and those classic falsetto vocals again. It’s also great that their albums are primarily concepts, because I love a good scary story. I was reading the Wiki on this one while waiting for it to arrive and it seems vaguely familiar to me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I felt like it was something I already knew. Eh, whatever. I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually.”

Metal culture expert Zara Daeng provided her opinion on Diamond’s oversight.

“This is actually more common than you’d think,” Daeng offered. “Heavy metal deals with notoriously dark and evil subject matter, and these themes tend to be much more prevalent in children’s movies than one would initially believe. Take a look at all the needless and preventable deaths of children in ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,’ or children being trapped in paintings until they die in ‘The Witches.’ It’s entirely understandable that a metal band could borrow these ideas without even realizing it.”

At press time, King admitted that he had omitted the cover of “I Put a Spell on You” from the record’s final tracklist, as he was worried it would give him away.

Trump Announces New FIRE Agency to Forcibly Import White Foreigners to USA

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — President Trump announced the creation of the new Federal Institute for Regulating Ethnonormality (FIRE) agency that would complement ICE by importing white foreigners to the USA, sources confirmed.

“Today I’m announcing a tremendous new FIRE agency that will bring the very best whites from around the world to help make America great again. The first plane will soon arrive with my very good friend Conor McGregor, Herman Goebbels’ grandson, and the wonderful Roman Polanski,” said President Trump, signing an executive order. “We’re also working very hard to get Ivan Drago, who was treated very unfairly in ‘Rocky 4’ after he did us all a favor by taking care of a very nasty man, Apollo Creed. Many people are saying Creed only died because he was an unqualified DEI hire, but Rocky refused to apologize and unfairly blamed it on Russia. Witch hunt!”

Department of Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem assured Americans that the new immigration policy would be conducted with the most stringent, old-school racist rigor.

“Our FIRE agents are already hard at work identifying and importing the very best white candidates from robust talent pools of nationalist soccer hooligans, foreign conservative pundits, and Andrew Tate’s relatives,” said Noem, holding up a color swatch to a potential candidate’s photo. “Rest assured, we are only getting the proudest, whitest candidates to import and place in highly regarded government positions. In fact, President Trump has specifically instructed us to make sure none of those dirty Italians sneak in with the rest of the qualified whites.”

Afrikaner Jan de Groot was surprised that he was chosen to be imported to the USA from his native South Africa after meeting the FIRE agency’s qualifications.

“I woke up with a mean meth hangover after spending all night vandalizing Nelson Mandela murals so you can imagine my surprise when I woke up in Washington D.C. with a passport and a job!” said de Groot. “It’s nice to finally see a President willing to correct historic wrongs after I had to suffer thirty hard years of desegregation. Plus some creepy cunt wearing too much makeup called J.D. set me up with an office, turns out I’m the most qualified candidate to oversee America’s entire nuclear arsenal. Pretty lekker deal, mate!”

At press time, the ICE and FIRE agencies were setting up a trade that would send thousands of Mexican healthcare workers to Argentina in exchange for any living Nazis that fled there after World War II.

Opinion: Society Will Still Need Snarky Music Critics After Civilization Collapses

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Unless you’ve been blissfully unaware of any and all current events, this country is fucked. I’m not trying to sound defeatist but we’re looking at at least two or three plausible doomsday scenarios. It’s time to stop thinking about reverting to some comforting normalcy, to look ahead and reevaluate what our roles are going to be in order to keep humanity’s survival viable for future generations.

Which is why I would like to point out that no matter what happens, we definitely will still need snarky music critics to judge shitty music after the apocalypse.

With any luck, music will play a central role in self expression and building community beyond our current existence. And within that community a few gatekeepers will inform the masses as to which songs are cool and which ones are bland, homogenized drivel. We owe to our progeny the means for preventing the next Maroon 5 from happening.

Once anarchy reigns, we will need to be able to grow our own crops, procure access to clean water, and likely revert back to some kind of bartering system of commerce. But central to each remote settlement there needs to be at least one person with the skillset to refer to corny new music as a wet gorilla fart or something in order to make people feel better about their own musical shortcomings and/or superior tastes.

Look at Mad Max: Fury Road. You think they just automatically settled on guitars, Marshall stacks, and flamethrowers to play while tearing across the wasteland? No, there was probably some asshole who wanted cellos or something way less metal until a heroic blogger from the “before time” stepped in and pointed out how the 1800’s called and wanted their instruments back.

Think about it! As we rebuild society from the ashes of our own mutual destruction, we’re also going to have to do a cultural reset. Imagine 100 years from now, a research team will dig through the rubble and find some dipshit’s collection of Trapt albums. They’ll need a trusty music critic (or “oracle” as I assume we’ll be called) on hand to point out they fucking suck.

While we cannot truly predict what the next version of civilization (if there is one) has in store for us, hopefully, it’s a more egalitarian one where a pantheon of smug music critics like the ones at Pitchfork in the 2000s can sit side by side with the leaders of tomorrow.

Dude Will Not Shut Up About Being Stabbed Five Minutes Ago

Posted on by Peyton Cabral

TACOMA, Wash. — Local dude Grant Brentfield wouldn’t shut the hell up about being brutally attacked with a knife just a few moments ago, confirmed mildly inconvenienced sources.

“Like, we get it, man. You are gradually bleeding out onto the sidewalk, in excruciating pain the likes of which you’ve never experienced before, and need someone to call 9-11 for you. No need to keep going on and on about it,” said bystander Craig Vanguard. “A good 1,500 people a year die from knife-based attacks in the US, so this guy isn’t special or anything, no matter how much he tries to make this whole stabbing thing about himself. Some people just can’t read the room. For instance, I need to get to work and now I have to wait around for the police since I’m technically a witness to the incident. I don’t think I’d mind so much but he keeps on moaning like a baby. C’mon, at least try to take a knife to the abdomen like an adult.”

Brentfield just couldn’t seem to let it go.

“I’m starting to lose consciousness, so that’s probably where my sense of urgency is coming from,” said Brentfield. “I’m sorry to be such a bother to others, but if someone wouldn’t mind calling an ambulance that would really do me a solid right now. Oh, and if anyone happens to have a towel on them to help stop the bleeding, that would be huge. No worries, if not. I understand everyone is just walking around thinking about their own problems and likely not considering anyone else, including me who’s starting to think his intestines might be popping out. Being stabbed is just not all it’s cracked up to be.”

Experts noted that this phenomenon was nothing new.

“People have a tendency to use their struggles as a way to amplify themselves,” said counselor Gina Norman. “One day you’re making up new mental health disorders to garner sympathy, the next you’re using the gunshot wound you sustained 10 minutes ago to make everyone around within shouting distance pay attention to you. It’s gross. We live in a society. No one should be forced to acknowledge others’ existence, let alone help them in so-called trying times. We need to do better.”

At press time, a nearby man would not shut up about being run over by a Subaru Outback 10 minutes ago.

Vegan Finds It Harder to Eat Carrots Once He’s Named Them

Posted on by Jeff Bender

BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local vegan Chuck Miller opened up about his struggle to eat vegetables, particularly carrots, after he’s given them names and personalities, irreverent sources reported.

“So what? I give my carrots names and sometimes dress them up in little costumes with vegan marshmallow eyes and a raisin nose and bean-sprout hair glued to their temples with non-honey honey,” said Miller, a class-action attorney. “This one I like to call Dr. Crunchy. He has a PhD in Yummies from Vitamin A University. That’s an Ivy League school, by the way. And would you look at this cute little coconut-shred collar-stay I put in his lettuce-leaf shirt! Ooh, you are so cute, Dr. Crunchy! I could just eat you up! Not literally. Actually, the only thing I can ethically consume anymore is beans. Mainly because naming individual garbanzo beans would just be psychotic.”

Miller’s life partner, Emma Robinson, expressed irritation at her husband’s reluctance to eat the “very expensive” organic groceries they buy each week at their local farmer’s market.

“It makes things very difficult for us to get calories, when he’s always like, ‘No! Don’t eat that! You’re going to ruin the friendship!’ and always giving our daughter Elizabeth vegetables in ‘families’ of three that resemble us,” said Robinson. “Often Elizabeth cries when she comes home because she ate something and ruined Daddy’s little ‘world.’ I can’t live like this! When I was a kid I would eat a whole stalk of celery and feel nothing. Now I feel like a savage when I take a bite out of Todd, which is the apple Chuck named this morning.”

Celebrity vegan Travis Barker sympathized with Miller, going so far as to say that plants are “people too.”

“What have they done to harm anyone? And yet look at the way we treat them—gnashing them with our teeth, forcing them down our throats even as they scream, ‘No! No!’ and shoving them off into our undignified large intestines. Nobody deserves that—especially not my little drummer friends Fig Collins and Ringo Starr-Fruit,” said the Blink-182 drummer, holding up two pieces of dolled-up produce. “‘Protect plants’ is what I say. ‘Save the plants!’ That’s why I’ve sworn off eating altogether. It’s inhumane.”

At press time, Miller also revealed that it was much more difficult to drink water after he’s named each individual glass of it.