New GWAR Lead Vocalist Announced with Towering Cloud of White Cum

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

RICHMOND, Va. — Metal band GWAR’s newest lead vocalist was announced via a giant white steam cloud of creamy ejaculate spouting out of the roof of a derelict industrial plant, confirmed grossed out albeit intrigued sources.

“Fuck. I mean, I’ve been elsewhere in the world when a new GWAR lead vocalist was chosen, so I knew I couldn’t miss this one. It’s a humbling, once-in-a-lifetime event,” said fan and self-proclaimed slave/human filth Bobby Jo Mildon, wiping his eyes clear of both tears and hot-dripping splooge. “When I heard the news, I packed my family into a van and we drove all night. The kids weren’t sure what was happening, but they could tell it was important. Also, if you know of any local mechanics that can carefully detail semen out of an early-2000s Chrysler minivan transmission, please let me know.”

An outline of the ceremonial process was patiently illustrated by GWAR holy man and long-time drummer Jizmak Da Gusha.

“GWAR members make a hallowed oath to take this process very seriously,” said Da Gusha. “We convene in a secluded, consecrated space. We meditate upon our choices and pontificate to one another on the need to make a balanced and well-informed selection. We then engage in a tedious voting process via multiple anonymous ballots per day and then, once we are confident in our choice and the vote mathematically indicates a two-thirds majority, the decision’s finality is signaled with a mile-high maelstrom of super-fucked-up cock snot.”

Tate Langdon, a PhD student finishing his thesis on Scientific Historical Development in Religious Studies, further explained some of the precise details of this historic and momentous wad shot.

“This process has occurred for millions of years, and each time it’s special,” Landgon explained. “But some elements of this blessed conclave remain constant. Our studies have shown that the pillar of black smoke that appears nightly if they haven’t reached a decision seems to be a composite ignition of unidentifiable organic and inorganic materials. Possibly a mix of incinerated rubber tires and human bones. Maybe some tar? It smells awful. So that adds to the relief of a selection being made. Followers are blessed with a new venerable leader as well as the smell of sweet, sweet cum.”

At press time, GWAR noted that this seminal event has been most pleasurable and celebratory, and band members are pleased to return to normalcy to focus on their true passion, which is killing.

Pope Francis Dies Rather Than Spend Any More Time With JD Vance

Posted on by Tim Sheard

VATICAN CITY – The Holy See Press Office announced that Pope Francis chose the calming embrace of death rather than experience any additional time spent on this Earthly plane of existence in the presence of United States Vice President, JD Vance.

“He did everything he could to avoid the meeting. We feared such an encounter would drain whatever love for life and physical stamina the Holy Father had left,” shared Cardinal Angelo Poppavilla while trying to cleanse the Vatican of any remnants of Vice President Vance. “It was like interacting with a human blackhole, completely exhausting, an utter sap of energy. We tried to say he was busy, but Vance insisted. Francis played up the sickness, sitting on his thermometer, loudly coughing behind closed doors, but to no avail. We even thought of announcing paint renovations or a terrorist threat, yet still, nothing deterred Vance.”

Official Vatican doctor Dr. Luigi Midiciano corroborates reports of the deleterious meeting on Pope Francis’s health.

“With every minute in Vance’s taxing presence, Il Papa grew more faint,” shared Dr. Midiciano while conferring with the Roman medical community. “His vital signs fell immediately, almost like a magnetic response, in direct correspondence with JD’s harmful presence. This unbearable man, he is like human kryptonite. I could see with my own eyes: after their handshake, His Holiness was so pale that he blended into his robes, his soul hovering somewhere more pleasant, astral-projecting above the room just to survive. The Pontiff looked like a deflated Michelin Man.”

Vice President Vance was seen fuming in the halls of the Vatican, angered at their cosmically truncated encounter.

“Talk about being completely undermined. I bet it’s cuz he’s from South America. That’s where a lot of our illegals come from, ya know? So we can see where his loyalties lie. Also, they’re wildly unhealthy down there, so I’m not surprised,” snorted Vance while checking military plans on Signal. “That’s OK. I’ll just circle back to him within God’s glorious kingdom of Heaven. Of course, that’s assuming this queer-loving pro-migrant radical Pope isn’t burning in Hell with his fellow libs. Besides, he never once said ‘Thank you’ for my visit. Complete abomination of a so-called spiritual leader.”

Urged to leave the premises by Vatican officials, Vice President Vance announced a trip to the Himalayas for an impromptu meeting with the Dalai Lama.

Millennial’s Retirement Plan Hinges on Hitting Half-Court Shot at NBA Game

Posted on by Doug Kolic

HOUSTON — A local 39-year-old Rockets fan’s entire financial future is dependent on hitting a promotional half-court shot worth $100,000, said nearby sources.

“I don’t have any savings, so winning this cash is basically my one and only chance to retire with any kind of dignity,” stated Matt Barnes as he saved some of his nachos for dinner later. “My day job doesn’t offer a 401(k) and my numerous side hustles are barely good enough to keep my head above water. To say that everything rests on hitting this bucket is an understatement. I know it’s a bit desperate but what else am I supposed to do? My only other option is waiting for a relative to die and hoping that they leave me some hidden money that I know they don’t have. Yup, my weird Uncle Gary is Plan B. There is no Plan C.”

Rockets owner Tilman Fertitta sitting courtside described what he witnessed.

“I’ve always thought these promotions were really cool, but hearing about this guy’s stakes on the shot, I’m actually turned on!” said the billionaire. “I just figured fans who win this cash would likely just splurge on something fun like a Land Rover or another trip to the Maldives like I would do, but apparently if this guy doesn’t sink it he could be homeless in a few years. Almost makes me feel guilty about how much money I’m making every second of every day for fuck knows what reason. Almost.”

Director of Sports Marketing Julia Markovic explained how people are signing up for these events out of desperation.

“According to our research, more and more fans are attending live sports for the sole reason of trying to win some dough to afford the basics of life,” Markovic said. “Eight percent of half-court shot participants said they needed the money for housing, while the other twenty percent said they required it to afford groceries or pay for a surgery they couldn’t afford. Others polled said they attend games in the hopes of catching some merch from the t-shirt cannon in order to layer it on at night when their landlords cut the heat in their basement apartments.”

As of press time, a dejected Barnes was seen outside the arena waiting for the team bus to drive out in the hopes it would clip him so he could collect insurance money.

Heartbreaking: This Man Wants to Protest Drag Story Hour but He’s Not Allowed Within 100 Feet of a Library

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It seems like everybody these days has a cause that they truly believe in. Whether it’s fighting for a person’s right to bodily autonomy or making sure everyone who wants to vote in an election is able to safely do so, one thing is for certain: we are all constitutionally endowed with the right to freedom of expression, and it should offend all Americans equally when someone is denied this right.

Which leads us to this tragic story. Meet 57-year-old Lucas Mitchell of Columbus, OH, who was just deprived of the chance to spend his Saturday protesting a drag storytelling hour at his local library because of a simple misunderstanding in a Hardee’s parking lot last year. We’ll spare you the details of Mitchell’s arrest, which are readily available to the public via his police record and any number of archived local news articles, but suffice it to say that could have happened to anyone who needed to adjust their belt after polishing off four Biscuits ‘n Gravy combos and two Redhook Beer-Battered Fish Sandwiches in one sitting.

Because of this, Lucas is now prohibited from stepping foot within 100 yards of any location where children might congregate, which unfortunately includes Columbus Metropolitan Library. As a result, he’s now unable to join his patriotic brothers in his militia from screaming into megaphones and harassing the storytellers, children and parents as they head into the building for their story hour.

Absolutely tragic.

Should we even consider this The Land of the Free anymore? If one man is denied his right to protest based on his absurdly ill-informed and socially backwards views on drag queens just because he once accidentally subjected an entire building of fast-food consumers to an inordinately long glimpse at his penis and testicles, are any of us safe? Who’s to say you won’t be targeted the next time you try to publicly demonstrate? We say enough is enough, and it’s time for us to unite in his defense.

Our heart breaks for poor Lucas as he’s forced to spend his Saturday at home, catching up on his backlog of Ben Shapiro podcast episodes and regurgitating what he’s hearing into a steady stream of misspelled Facebook posts that would make his family sick with shame and embarrassment had they not blocked him years ago. If there were any fairness in this world, he’d be out in front of that library making his entire community miserable simply because a handful of individuals had the audacity to brighten the afternoon of their town’s children by reading them some Mercer Mayer books.

So what will you do, dear reader, as you hear about this gross miscarriage of justice occurring right under your nose? Will you simply shake your head disapprovingly and continue scrolling through your various social media platforms, or will you take to the streets in support of a man who was robbed of his opportunity to spend the afternoon hurling epithets at complete strangers? It’s sad to say, but if you choose the former, you are no better than that malfunctioning belt that caused an otherwise innocent man to expose himself to a restaurant of horrified and disgusted onlookers all those weeks ago.

Kid Rock Reveals “Questions That Don’t Have Any Answers” Line From “Bawitaba” Is About the Unsolved Riemann Mathematical Conjecture Suggesting That Non-Trivial Zeros of the Zeta Function Lie on a Specific Line of the Complex Plane

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Popular musician turned right-wing icon Kid Rock revealed a line from his 1999 hit “Bawitaba” referred to the infamous Riemann mathematical conjecture which has been unsolved since 1859, surprised sources report.

“Pure mathematics has always been a huge passion of mine,” Rock said as he ironed the gigantic American flag he had worn during a recent performance. “The Riemann conjecture in particular fascinates me because of its implications with prime number distribution. Essentially, the zeta function’s argument may be any complex number other than one, with zeros at the negative even integers. Its formula states that the magnitude of the oscillations of prime numbers is controlled by the real parts of the zeros of the zeta function. I could go on all day, but I have to go take an Instagram photo of me holding a recently caught fish while wearing a shirt that says ‘Kiss My American Badass.’”

Fan Earl Vittner tried his hardest to wrap his head around that concept.

“I love Kid Rock, but I definitely wasn’t expecting that,” Vittner drunkenly admitted as he attempted to relight an M-80 firecracker in his garage. “‘Bawitaba’ is one of my all-time favorite songs, and I never would’ve thought it was about such high-tech math stuff. Honestly, I kind of hope Elon is defunding all of that with DOGE. It’s not like society could use that bullshit, you get me? I mean, I doubt it’s in the Bible, and that’s all we really need. Eh, whatever. Remember the chicks in bikinis and the dirtbikes in the music video? That was awesome.”

Mathematician Issa Abiodun wasn’t surprised at Rock’s revelation.

“Oh, I’ve known Kid Rock for years,” Abiodun mentioned. “He and I often have spirited debates on topics like linear algebra and set theory versus category theory. We haven’t been conversing as much recently, what with Kid being busy shooting cases of Bud Lite and inexplicably being present in the Oval Office while Donald Trump signs executive orders, but we used to meet up every week or so. His insight on the irrationality and transcendence of certain numbers is among the most profound things I’ve ever heard. It’s too bad he’s going to be leaving soon for his tour with Nickelback. I’ll miss our discussions while he’s gone.”

At press time, Rock also revealed that the “chicks with beepers” line was meant as a prescient warning to society about the risks of technology.

Punk Jesus Turns Water Into Ramen

Posted on by Ryan Danley

NEW YORK — Local punk rocker and present-day messiah, Lenny “Resin” Jackson stunned the masses crashing at his squat by using his divine abilities to transform water into steaming bowls of cheap, salty sustenance, stoked onlookers reported, true believers confirmed

“Look, wine is cool and all, but have you ever been hungover and broke? People don’t need more booze—they need carbs to soak up the booze, man. And you can’t beat a steaming bowl of Nissin pork. And I got that shit on tap,” said Jackson, absentmindedly petting a stray cat. “I mean, my Dad gave me these powers for a reason. One time, I turned a whole bucket of hose water into enough ramen to feed all 12 of my homies after The Varukers’ reunion show. Fuck healing the sick—that’s the real work.”

Jackson is seen as the second coming of Christ to members of his crew, but some of them have grown a little weary of the routine.

“You know, back in our early 20s, it was rad that he could whip up a meal on the fly like that, but we’re all in our early 30s now, I need to watch my sodium intake, It just feels like someone with the power of God at his disposal could maybe conjure up something with a little protein. I’m looking for satiety at this point so I stop snacking so much,” said Jesse ‘Izzy” Iscariot, poking at a limp noodle. “Would it kill him to miracle up a rotisserie chicken? Man, what I wouldn’t give for some fresh vegetables. I swear, if I just had a few extra coins, I could get a real meal in this town.”

Biblical scholars are starting to uncover more evidence that Jackson may in fact be Christ resurrected.

“Jesus was known for casting out demons, and from what I know about Mr. Jackson he single-handedly ran 12 Nazis out of his local punk scene,” said Notre Dame Divinity Professor Angela Ingbar. “There are also stories that he fed over 5,000 punks simply be breaking the window of a local Whole Foods and looting the place. He also resurrected his old band The Shit Kickers, and despite the group being dead for years they are back and planning on releasing new music next year. Truly a miracle.”

At press time, Jackson was seen flipping tables in a bodega, furious over the price of sriracha.

How to Surprise Yourself With a Nice Dinner by Getting High and Forgetting You Made It

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

It’s 4/20, and you’re probably thinking, “Who cares, I already smoke weed every day,” right? Well, what if I told you that even the most seasoned of stoners could make their 4/20 celebrations magical and whimsical? Gone are the days of you thinking, “What’s so special about smoking a joint and watching Hot Fuzz when I do that every Sunday? How could I possibly make this 4/20 memorable?” I have come up with a foolproof method to inspire and delight yourself this and every 4/20.

Picture this: Miami, 2010, opening weekend of “Tron: Legacy.” I got stoned out of my butt to watch Thirteen from “House” drive cars made of light and decided to treat myself to some movie theater pizza. I ordered, they told me it would be 10 minutes, I paid, and, out of habit, I returned to my seat. About 20 minutes later, deep into a “Gnomio and Juliet” preview, my munchies said to me “man, a pizza would fucking slap right now.” And that’s when I remembered I already had one waiting for me.

Eating that surprise pizza at that hella-mid movie was one of the greatest experiences of my life, and I vowed to find a way to capture the magic for future celebrations.

Here’s how you’re going to surprise yourself with a nice dinner by getting high and forgetting you made it.

1. Choose a recipe
For obvious reasons we’re going to try and pick on that won’t burn easily. We’re not doing pizza, roasted veggies, or oven baked chicken wings unless you want to have to explain in court how you burned down an entire apartment complex. We’re going to lean heavily into the simmer. We’re talkin’ succulent soups, stews, and sauces.

2. Consume marijuana
While you’re cooking, you’re going to be smoking a joint or doing your edible of choice. Remember it’s 4/20, so leave those gentle sativas on the shelf. Today is the day to bust out that jar of Captain Junkie you haven’t touched since it made you freak out at that family brunch. Once you realize you’ve been mincing the garlic for an hour now, you know you’ve reached the optimal amount of stoned to forget you even cooked this meal in an hour.

3. Go down an ADHD rabbit hole
Once you get to the simmer stage, you’re going to either go on YouTube or Google for a deep dive. Here are some suggested topics: lesser-known Coppolas, the personal life section of Ralph Fiennes’ Wikipedia page, or anything at all relating to Walton Goggins. You will lose yourself in this, but eventually, your munchies will say, “Hey, I could really go for some shakshouka right about now.” At this point, you will smell the delicious scents from the kitchen, and your cravings will be instantly rewarded with perfectly simmered tomato-y goodness. You will probably burn your mouth, but it’ll be so perfect you won’t care. Enjoy. You deserve this.

4. Wait, is that the smoke detector?
Eventually, you’ll eat yourself into a wonderful slumber on the recliner, only to be rudely awakened by a life-saving device. Looks like you bumped the gas nozzle up to high on your way out of the kitchen again, and you have sauce-napped your way into an emergency. Grab your photo albums, small sentimental objects, and of course, your stash, then get the fuck out of there.

Local Potheads Go Door to Door Singing Stoner Metal Carols on 4/20

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PORTLAND, Ore. — A group of local potheads went door to door singing stoner metal carols to celebrate 4/20, confirmed sources peering outside their blinds.

“We do all the holiday classics, including Kyuss, Sleep, and a song from my band’s new demo,” said caroler Kyle Donovan while flipping to the next page of his song book. “All of our neighbors were clearly elated to see us. That is, the few that actually opened their doors after five straight minutes of ringing their bells and tapping on their windows. If they didn’t answer after that, we had no choice but to break in through the kitchen window. The holiday cheer must be spread one way or another. We did about 90 minutes per house which, now that I think about it, is probably not nearly enough time. Jeez, I hope no one felt like they were shortchanged when we were finished.”

Neighbors were admittedly more in the holiday spirit after a visit from the carolers.

“After their rendition of Bongzilla on my porch, I couldn’t wait to do my annual holiday tradition of smoking a joint, eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch straight from the box, and taking a three-hour nap in the middle of the day,” said Arthur Dwellers. “Hell, the performance even gave me the energy to put up my 4/20 tree this year. I’ll decorate it and put up the lights tomorrow. I’m wiped from the long day. Until then I’m going to watch the 24 hours of ‘Dazed and Confused’ marathon that TBS does every year.”

Experts warned that the caroling phenomenon isn’t exclusive to the marijuana-based holidays.

“Christmas and 4/20 are not the only national days of celebration you’ll see people go door to door belting out holiday-relevant tunes,” said music historian Kate Manzardo. “The Halloween carolers go around singing goth classics like Bauhaus and Sisters of Mercy. The St. Patrick’s Day carolers sing a steady dose of Dropkick Murphys while absolutely shitfaced. And April Fool’s Day brings out carolers singing Weird Al and Tenacious D to their neighbors. Sure, people are fed up with having to deal with complete strangers on their stoops every holiday, but it’s the only way people remember when it’s Arbor Day or Thanksgiving.”

At press time, a rival group of 4/20 carolers were seen going door to door singing Phish and Grateful Dead songs to neighbors.

Opinion: Telling People Today Is Hitler’s Birthday and the Columbine Anniversary Is All the High I Need

Posted on by Dan Rice

I don’t mean to come off as preachy or superior, but I’ve always felt sorry for people who need to consume a substance to have a good time. It’s 4/20, and around the country, people are “celebrating” by getting “high” on a psychoactive chemical that sedates them and distorts their sense of reality, it’s sad. Me, I make my own good time. Yes sir, raining on other people’s parades by reminding them that today is actually Hitler’s birthday and the anniversary of the Columbine shooting is all the high I’ve ever needed.

It really saddens me that the youth of today think they need cannabis to cope when all you need to do is bum someone else the fuck out. They’ll never know the charge you can get out of harshing a stoner’s proverbial mellow, and it’s a tragedy. Enjoy your fleeting high, I’ll be making memories of ruining other people’s day that will last me a goddamn lifetime.

Life is so much richer when you make other people’s lives so much poorer. I’ll never forget 4/20/2017. I was at my usual coffee shop being waited on by the barista who still wore hemp jewelry for some reason. As she handed me my Americano she apologized for being “a little slow today,” and confided in me that she had eaten an edible that morning “to celebrate the holiday.” Evidently she trusted me not to narc on her, and I didn’t. What I did do was fire back “Oh, you mean HITLER’S BIRTHDAY? Cause that’s what today is!” I watched light leave her eyes, watched shame slowly wash over her face. She lost something in that moment, and you know where that something went? Right to me baby. Right to the goddamn king.

You know what she said? “I never even thought about Hitler having a birthday.” How fucking priceless is that?!

I had to work on 4/20 last year, but it didn’t slow my roll one bit. When my coworker made the mistake of small-talking me with “Bro, I can’t wait to get out of here and go celebrate with my bong!” I shot back “Wow Jeff, it’s pretty fucked up of you to celebrate Columbine like that, a lot of kids died.” As he desperately tried to backpedal I just walked away grinning ear to ear.

Oh, you think you’re safe from my bullshit? You’ve heard the Hitler/Columbine thing a million times? You’ve come to terms with it, have you? What about the Nicoll Highway collapse? What about the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, fuckface? There are only so many days in a year and bad shit happens on every one of them, I’ve got a million of these. Guess what, my grandmother died on 4/20. Tell me I’m lying, I fucking dare you.

This year 4/20 falls on Easter, and boy is my family in for it. When me and my cousins go for our “walk” I’m hitting them with every depressing 4/20 factoid I’ve got and a big heaping helping of “Here we are celebrating Easter when Christianity has killed more people than all wars combined” for dessert, all while Bogarting their precious joint. Oh, I do smoke. I just don’t NEED IT like you LOSERS!

Trump Presents Verizon Wireless Easter Egg Roll in Front of Newly Renamed TD Bank White House

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump delayed the annual White House Easter Egg Roll a in order to allow time to thank all the corporate sponsors who are making the event possible, confirmed multiple sources in fresh Comcast gear confirmed.

“Just weeks after making a historic deal with TD Bank to rebrand The White House, and this was a great deal people, one of the best deals in the history of America. A lot of people are saying historians love the deal and want to put it in books, I’m proud to announce that Verizon Wireless has agreed to sponsor this year’s Easter Egg Roll,” said the President wearing a Tesla hat and jacket. “In honor of this partnership, I’ve signed an executive order declaring the word ‘egg’ will now be spelled with five ‘g’s like Verizon’s lightning-fast 5G network. We love 5g, right folks? Now, let’s get these eggs rolling like Verizon rolls your minutes over from month to month with their new Unlimited Plus plan!”

Attendees of the inaugural TD Bank White House Easter Egg Roll sponsored by Verizon Wireless had mixed feelings about the President’s announcement.

“Usually, they give the kids a wooden egg as a souvenir, but this year, thanks to Verizon, they gave out brand new iPads, which is awesome,” said Buck Johnson, a parent at the event. “I just wish the iPads didn’t come pre-installed with Truth Social and ads for My Pillow. We’ve only had the thing an hour, and my eight-year-old daughter is already afraid an alien is going to beam into our house and eat her cat. I tried telling her they didn’t mean that kind of alien, and she just narrowed her eyes at me and called me a Soros plant, whatever the hell that means.”

Terri Barclay, the journalist behind the popular leftist Substack newsletter “Terri Tells It,” expressed her exasperation at the administration’s newest stunt.

“TD Bank White House, Verizon Egg Roll, what’s next? Frito-Lay presents the Doritos State of the Union?” said Barclay. “The White House Easter Egg Roll has been a tradition since 1878, and up until now, no president has ever successfully privatized it. Reagan got close in ‘87, but then he came to his senses and realized Lisa Frank eggs would look too garish on camera. Trump, on the other hand, doesn’t care about anything but money. He’d sell his own children if he could make a profit. I’m not kidding. He’s reportedly been trying to sell Eric to Pfizer as a human test subject for years now!”

At press time, Senator Cory Booker announced he would be cancelling a scheduled 48-hour speech on the Senate floor to protest Trump’s recent actions so he can be the keynote speaker at the Goldman Sachs shareholder event.