Potassium-Deficient Punk Switching from Steel Reserve to 99 Bananas

Posted on by Evan Vest

CLEVELAND, Ohio — Punk stalwart Dave “Mel-Mel” Ryans made the switch from the popular malt liquor Steel Reserve, sometimes known as 211, to infamous liqueur brand 99 Bananas after doctors revealed a startling potassium deficiency, confirmed head-tilting sources.

“The doctors told me my Vitamin P or whatever was really low, but the night before I had done a bunch of whip-its at a house party show and I think nitrous lowers your potassium or something. My homie Scott was telling me something like that I think,” said Ryans. “But anyways, what was I talking about again? Oh yea, nitrous, wait, no, the potassium thing. I started drinking those 99 Bananas from the corner store because I know fruit has a ton of vitamins, especially liquid fruit. Half a bottle a day should get my levels back on track.”

Friends of Ryans expressed excitement for their newfound passion for self-care.

“Mel-Mel’s signature combo is Steel Reserve and Camel Wides, and while it’s a little bittersweet to see that go, I am very excited to see them embrace healthier choices,” remarked friend Daffney Fallwell, while drinking diet Dr. Pepper. “I think it was the right choice and it influenced me to pursue my own forms of self-care. For example, I just blocked my boss’ number and stopped showing up to work, which has done amazing things for my mental health. Either way, I’m happy for Mel-Mel, even though he smells like a banana smoked a cigarette.”

Primary care physician Dr. Kenneth Knudd found himself amazed by Ryans’ ability to adapt their immune system to extreme circumstances.

“Quite frankly, I would go as far as to classify this as a medical anomaly,” Dr. Knudd stated. “The amount of alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, THC, and occasional LSD and cocaine in the patient’s system is enough to lead to serious consequences. But there has been no long-term damage, at least for now. Incredible. However, Dave should really understand that 99 Bananas is a liqueur with artificial flavoring, and contains no actual potassium content. My advice would be to maybe eat an actual banana and to drink a glass of water every few days.”

At press time, Ryans made the decision to switch from Camel Filters to Camel Crush Menthol, after a dentist visit inspired them to have better breath.

Unplanned, Unbuilt Trump Presidential Library Preemptively Filing for Chapter 11

Posted on by Dicky Stock

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Despite existing only as a series of crudely sketched plans on cocktail napkins and one AI-generated image architects have described as “defying the law of physics,” the Trump Presidential Library has formally filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, confirmed sources.

“While no physical location, architectural plans, or tangible fundraising efforts currently exist, the library has still somehow amassed over $731 million in debt to various vendors, contractors, and a man who claims to have had homosexual intercourse with President Obama,” said project spokesperson Tim Kole. “Supposing that a semblance of a plan will take shape by 2030, with inflation due to tariffs, that brings the number closer to $2.8 billion. We see this not as a failure, but as a strategic pivot in the spirit of American enterprise. Like Trump Steaks, Atlantic City, or the Fyre Festival.”

White House staff claim that site plans included a gift shop, banquet hall, and a “Trump’s Patriots Reflection Lounge,” with no mention of archival materials.

“The Trump Presidential Library was always intended to be less of a library in the traditional sense and more of a place for whites, three blacks, and one gay to worship the 47th President,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Claire Leavitt. “The ‘Reading Room’ was going to be a dark hallway that just played Trump rally clips on loop. The ‘Research Wing’ was going to be a hat kiosk. The media wing would have played ‘Fox and Friends’ on a 24-hour loop.”

Legal experts say the filing marks the first time in U.S. history a building not yet planned in any formal sense has declared bankruptcy.

“The only real physical asset appears to be a signed copy of ‘The Art Of The Deal,’ unless you count an 80-foot bronze statue of the president that they just have on hand in case anyone needs one,” said bankruptcy attorney Kebby Munch, leafing through the 3,439-page filing. “Unfortunately, most courts don’t recognize personal branding as collateral. It’s frankly impressive. There is no precedent for a bankrupt non-entity.”

At press time, organizers were optimistic after a GoFundMe launched to “Protect The Economic Integrity and Patriotism Of Trump Library for Whites” raised more than $500 million.

Okay, What I Meant Was, Do My Research on Vaccines

Posted on by Dan Rice

First of all, I want to say, I’m impressed. Usually when I tell people “Do your own research” that’s the end of the conversation and I assume I’ve won. The last thing I expected was for you to come at me a week later with verified links, study reports and medical journals proving conclusively that vaccines do not cause autism and install government tracking technology. Unfortunately, and I really can’t apologize enough, it was all for nothing. It seems I misspoke in our previous conversation. What I meant to say was “Do the research I did on vaccines, no more and no less.” Again, very sorry for the mixup and for wasting your time.

I didn’t mean for you to meticulously comb a bunch of accredited information sources and get opinions from doctors and healthcare professionals. I meant for you to smoke a little too much weed and dive headfirst into the manosphere podcasts and conspiracy theories. Maybe go through a divorce, get that sense of reality nice and limber so you’re ready for the truth when it comes. Boy is my face red for steering you wrong on this one.

What do you say we go again, and I’ll set you on the right course this time. I’m texting you a tweet from Eric Clapton, start here. The comment section is one of the most illuminating treatise on the subject to date!

Okay, you’re upset. I get it. I can see you actually put a lot of work into this, and all because I made the mistake of assuming your algorithm would lead you down the same far-right rabbit hole mine did. Maybe you should order more knives? My suggested pages got way better the more I ordered knives off of the internet.

Look, it’s not like you did a perfect job anyway. I’m looking at these links you sent me and I don’t see a single clip from The Joe Rogan Experience. You’ve got something here from the MAYO clinic? That sounds like a pedo thing. Honestly, I think overall this did more harm than good for you.

I’m more than willing to keep this flow of civil discourse going, just as long as said civil discourse ends in me being right and not some idiot loser like I’m afraid I am. Just let me pop a few DayQuil and get a nap in, my allergies are really bad right now. Everyone at my office has super bad allergies this week.

Kid Rock Caps off Kennedy Center Concert With Woody Guthrie Cover “Mein Kampf Is Your Kampf”

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Kid Rock capped off his concert at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts with a cover of Woody Guthrie’s “This Land is Your Land” titled “Mein Kampf is Your Kampf,” sources confirmed.

“I always heard ‘This Land is Your Land’ growing up, but when I found out Woody Guthrie was a bitch ass commie I knew this concert was the perfect time to remix his wack phonograph shit into a new dope ass patriotic anthem for the MAGA era,” said Kid Rock, gripping a pen with his fist to write ‘This Masheen Kills Fauci-ists’ on his guitar. “So me and the homie Stephen Miller hit the studio and he said ‘American Badass, meet the OG German Badass’ and slid me a copy of ‘Mein Kampf.’ Next thing you know we recorded some fire panty droppin’ shit that fine high school bitches can shake their asses to at their segregated prom.”

Kennedy Center director Richard Grenell praised the performance, and promised a calendar full of conservative hitmakers in the coming year.

“If you enjoyed the statutory stylings of acclaimed poet laureate Kid Rock, well you’re going to love what we’ve got planned for Diddy’s three-month residency after he receives his Presidential pardon this summer,” said Grenell. “But in the meantime, we’ve got a thrilling concert lineup including Rudy Giuliani’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Ragtime Band, Ku Klux King Gizzard and the Grand Lizard Wizard, and Ted Nugent shooting an AR-15 at a pile of instruments confiscated from an HBCU marching band.”

Part-time President and full-time Kennedy Center chairman Donald Trump was pleased with the performance’s frequent intermissions to heap praise on the GOP leader.

“Wasn’t Kid Rock wonderful folks? You’re very lucky I arranged this magnificent concert after years of biased and unfair performances from woke charity cases like Elton John and Tina Turner, not to mention the talentless children in the Libera Boys Choir who destroyed the Beach Boys beautiful music,” said Trump, snatching the microphone from a paraplegic veteran during the National Anthem. “Many people are saying the Kennedy Center would never recover after Obama ran it into the ground, and that he wouldn’t let Cat Stevens perform until he changed his name to Yusuf Islam. Well I’ll let him beg for an opening act slot if he agrees to change his name to Greg Catholic.”

At press time, Kid Rock was working on a new N.W.A. cover, “Fund Tha Police.”

Trump to Give Medal of Honor to the Brave Ohio National Guardsmen Who Shot Defenseless Students at Kent State

Posted on by Stephen Bell

KENT, Ohio — President Donald Trump announced he’d be awarding the Medal of Honor to those brave National Guardsmen who shot and killed defenseless students on May 4, 1970 at Kent State University, confirmed White House sources.

“Everyone knows that those radical leftist lunatic college students were going to overthrow the government starting in the Buckeye State,” said Trump while cleaning KFC out of his teeth. “I heard the football coach Nick Saban was there at the time and we all know he’s a leader and a winner. Won bigly many college football national championships. Great guy who I know well. But given the chance I’m sure Komrade Saban would’ve become a communist dictator and overthrown the government and we can’t have that.”

The family of the now deceased National Guard General Robert Canterbury who was leading his soldiers that day spoke out about this honor.

“My grandad said that he would’ve gladly gone to Vietnam instead of the hell that is Kent,” said grandson Cliff Canterbury. “In Vietnam they could hide in the trees and shoot at you secretly. At Kent they would hide in the middle of an open football field without any cover and maybe throw a rock at you, and we know that the average hippie can whip a rock at an average of 600 miles per hour. You tell me which situation you’d rather be in and then tell me if you’d still refrain from shooting.”

Survivor of the Kent State shooting Meghan Roth was completely nonplussed by the news.

“Am I surprised or shocked? Well I really wish I was,” said Roth. “I mean, the shooting actually made Jim Rhodes the governor at the time more popular and nearly got him a senate seat. It turns out that most people think being tough involves haphazardly killing those weaker than you and all of their friends. I wish I could add some acerbic and witty comments about this but honestly, there’s no jokes to be made about this.”

At press time, Trump confirmed that there’d be many more medals of honor to give out because there’d be “many more Kent States to come.”

Heartwarming! When This Target Employee Died on the Job, His Manager Told Coworkers He Transferred to Another Store Upstate

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Most people would agree that the last place you want to die is on the job, not only because you’ll never enjoy retirement, but also because there’s a high probability your position will be posted within 24 hours of your demise. Plus, it’s not exactly a happy place.

Such was the case of Kevin Hernandez, a long-time Target employee who died in the stockroom last weekend. However, his supervisor, Declan Pierce, managed to steer his store clear of any mourning period whatsoever after informing employees that Bob had suddenly decided to transfer to a nice store upstate.

When Declan found the store’s longest tenured team member dead from a heart attack while trying to lift an 85” TV by himself, he sprang into action to ensure he’d be punched out for his break. After having the body discreetly taken out of the receiving bay doors by the paramedics, time was running out as to how he’d explain to his coworkers that the beloved team member and lover of pizza parties was no more.

“It would’ve broken our employees’ hearts to tell them Kevin passed away, and it would’ve especially broken our drive-up order metrics. So for the sake of everyone’s emotional wellbeing and to ensure the whole store wouldn’t try to put in PTO for his funeral, we told him he transferred to a wonderful Target upstate where he actually gets his hours, isn’t scheduled outside of his ability, and eats all the Pizza Hut cafe he wants,” said Pierce. “I’m not saying that our employees aren’t emotionally mature enough to process his death, it’s just that we were already understaffed and we’ll never work all these clothes onto the floor if everyone’s too busy grieving.”

Of course, informing the team of Kevin’s permanent transfer was not without some hiccups, particularly when some of his former coworkers excitedly asked if they could transfer there too, or when they all saw his wife barge into the store, threatening to sue corporate. But it did seem like everyone bought the line about Kevin now running around a huge break room that always has a breakfast bar with his new redshirted friends.

“It wasn’t a perfect explanation, but at least they think he’s in a better place. I just hope everyone will be too overwhelmed with Black Friday sales to question why he isn’t visiting the store for the holidays.”

New Dad Can’t Wait to Show Newborn Child Hard Drives Full of Pirated Movies Once He’s Old Enough

Posted on by Jose Balderas

SANTA FE SPRINGS, Calif. — Local father Jay Vander couldn’t wait until his newborn son was old enough to show him old hard drives full of pirated movies, confirmed sources who really just needed him to change a diaper once in a while.

“I know we have to start small and get through the baby’s various phases like Ms. Rachel, The Wiggles, and Sesame Street but I’m so stoked to show him all these cinematic treasures thanks to Pirate Bay. This makes the $15,000 piracy fine I received for torrenting movies 20 years ago almost worth it,” relayed Vander. “When he eventually asks me to watch whatever Marvel crap is in theaters I’m going to sit him down and watch Roger Corman’s 1994 masterpiece ‘The Fantastic Four.’ And I’m positive he’ll be the coolest kid on the playground.”

Vander’s wife is fond of her husband’s excitement for their child’s future but maintains that their focus should be on the present.

“He absolutely forgot about those hard drives and when he found them he couldn’t stop telling me about what he had in there and how he acquired it. I love him but I really need to hear him go on and on about Pauly Shore’s performance in ‘Bio-Dome,’” said May Vander. “I don’t know if our child will care about the six different TV cuts of ‘RoboCop’ Jay has saved but if he’s excited to spend time with our baby then I’m excited to let him.”

Grandfather Joe Vander recalls the joy of almost getting rid of the large boxes.

“When he moved out with May he left all his boxes in my garage and I almost made an easy $40 bucks off one weirdo who said he needed hard drives for his samples. I didn’t care what I got as long as I got rid of them but just as I was about to make some easy money Jay pulled in and yanked the box away,” recalled the 82-year-old. “Jay used to spend hours and hours in his room illegally downloading movies off the internet. Unfortunately, these hard drives will be his only family heirloom. Hope that kid doesn’t mind.”

As of press time, the new father was attempting to fix another hard drive with all the syndicated episodes of “The Simpsons.”

Genius Janitors Now Forced To Solve Equations on Own Blackboards Following Trump’s Harvard Contract Cuts

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — President Donald Trump’s decision to terminate all of the federal government’s remaining contracts with Harvard University resulted in genius janitors having to solve equations written on blackboards that they’ve brought from home, sources report.

“It used to be that I’d come across these equations in the hallways as I’m mopping the floor outside classrooms,” genius janitor Bill Dunning told reporters. “Now I’m forced to buy my own chalkboard and bring it to work in the hopes that a professor will notice my mathematical prowess. Doing it this way just doesn’t have the same flair, and I look like I’m trying too hard to get noticed. These contract cuts couldn’t have come at a worse time, either, as I can’t quite keep from getting in trouble, and it would really help if I had a professor who could arrange to keep me out of jail in return for me studying under him.”

Trump did not appear to commiserate with Dunning’s plight.

“Harvard has been taken over by the Radical Left, and it’s time they paid the price for it,” Trump said. “They’re an absolute joke of an organization with their woke, anti-American values. If these janitors are so smart, they’re more than welcome to transfer to schools like Liberty University or Bob Jones University, those are real schools, they asked me to teach business there. The Dean came up to me, big fat guy, really fat. Fatter than you would think, I told him he needs to lose weight, he told me he needs me to teach his students how to do deals. I told him I was busy, he keeps calling. At any rate, what good has ever come from advancements in science and mathematics? My administration’s cuts to these fields are the greatest accomplishments in our nation’s history, people are already calling me the ‘Abe Lincoln of education.’ Can you believe that? And there’s absolutely no chance of that backfiring on the American people at any point in the coming decades. No chance.”

Mathematician Amara Cramer provided her insight on the matter.

“Few people know this, but most of the mathematical breakthroughs of the last century have been directly tied to genius janitors solving equations on university chalkboards,” Cramer noted. “For example, the formalized approach to axiomatic sets and spectral sequence theory were both developed by janitors who came across open-ended formulas during their night shifts. I predict these contract cuts will have a devastating impact on society in the coming years, to say nothing of the poor janitors who rely on their work being discovered to get their lives back on track.”

At press time, Trump’s contract cuts were also affecting the Harvard Law attendance of sorority girls who were using their academic talents to overcome blonde stereotypes.

Man Claiming to Multitask Actually Just Making a Lot of Different Mistakes at the Same Time

Posted on by Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND, Va. — Local Project Manager Bart McDonnell claimed recently to have discovered the Rosetta Stone of productivity, dubbing himself a “multitasking magnate,” despite just making a ton of different mistakes simultaneously, confirmed sources.

“People think you have to wait for some golden moment of focus to be productive, but we’ve evolved beyond that,” McDonnell said while checking his SkyBet account, mixing a protein coffee smoothie, and sending a text to his boy Nate about getting fucked up. “I’m not looking over my shoulder for a saber tooth tiger while I’m making a fire. I’m answering emails during a meeting, editing a project pitch, drafting tomorrow’s to-do list, and checking in with my boys in the groupchat. Let’s fucking go! Oops, I sent that text to my boss.”

McDonnell’s live-in girlfriend Amy Dixon is not convinced.

“Bart is distracted to the point that he cannot finish anything. He calls himself a mogul or whatever but I know that he’s had several bad performance reviews at work recently. Mostly for making really obvious mistakes. I hate to put him on blast, but he even lacks the focus for physical intimacy,” Dixon said. “I’ve suggested couple’s therapy, but Bart always says he has to check his calendar, then ends up scrolling Reddit while listening to All-In. Sometimes I don’t think he’d notice if I moved out.”

Cognitive Psychologist Chelsea Hughes studies the effects of multitasking at the University of Richmond and cautions against the practice.

“The allure makes sense, we’re all being pulled in so many directions,” Hughes said while inputting data for a Chi-squared test. “But research shows that multitasking comes at the cost of reduced productivity and performance. Despite all our advancements, sequentially focusing on tasks remains crucial to optimal outcomes in complex environments. As much as playing ‘Gears of War 2’ while filing your taxes sounds appealing, we assure you it always ends in tax fraud and three to five years in prison.”

At press time, McDonnell was fired from his job for what he called “creative differences” and was the focus of an IRS audit, but planned to take advantage of the unexpected free time by traveling cross-country in his 2014 Honda Accord, saying he does some of his best problem-solving while driving.

The Next Helen of Troy? This Bartender and Line Cook Are Fighting Over the 19-Year-Old Hostess

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Few mythological tales are as legendary as the epic battle waged between the Greeks and the Trojans over the kidnapping of ancient civilization’s Sydney Sweeney of the time, Helen of Troy. Lots of lessons can be learned from the tale, the main takeaway of the story though was that Helen was so maddeningly beautiful, thousands of men were willing to fight a ten year war over whose house she was going to live in.

And if myths truly are parables that help us understand human nature then it should help explain how Emily Brown, the 19-year-old hostess of suburban Applebees has become the next Helen of Troy ever since the restaurant’s line cook and mid shift bartender have been waging war over her affections.

It’s no secret that Emily is considered the most beautiful employee here. And according to the restaurant group chat, her looks are even coveted as far and wide as the Chili’s down the road. And that fact has not gone unnoticed by Kevin, the afternoon bartender, and Mike, the veteran line cook, who have been angling to be seen with her after work since the minute she arrived for orientation.

“Last week I finally agreed to hang out with Mike, but I guess Kevin intentionally comped him a drink with Ex-Lax in it. And while Mike was shitting his pants in the employee bathroom Kevin invited me to see his friends show, and now I can barely walk five feet without one of these idiots nearly getting in a fist fight to ask me out at the same time. It’s 3 pm on a Tuesday, like calm down.”

It’s hard to tell who will come out on top when they are so evenly matched as well: both are ten years Emily’s senior, own cars with more than 200,000 miles on the odometer, and have either dated, been in a situationship, or had an awkward one night stand with several previous hostesses. However, Mike does have a slight advantage here due to the fact that he can operate a microwave and rthermalizer while Kevin has already burned his two strikes for comping drinks to underage co-workers. It’ll all come down to which guy Emily can see herself lowering her standards for. But being that she’s the face that launched a thousand (unsolicited) dick pics, it’s likely she’ll be settling to call HR first.