JD Vance Suggests Struggling Americans Pull Selves Up By Bootstraps and Get Their Own Evil Machiavellian Billionaire to Orchestrate Rise to Power

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance lashed out at working-class Americans today criticizing their inability to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and find an evil scheming oligarch to uplift them from poverty, sources confirmed.

“Every day I have to endure grousing from the whiniest Americans, complaining about how they can’t make ends meet—I mean how hard is it to dig down deep, take some personal responsibility, and find an unscrupulous billionaire to orchestrate your rise to power?” said Vance. “I grew up poor too, but did that stop me from selling my soul for the promise of wealth and power? The America I know was built on tough, hardworking folks supporting their families by shredding any dignity they had left, slapping on some thick eyeliner like a truck stop lot lizard, and whoring themselves out to further the neo-feudalist agenda of a sinister technocrat.”

Ohio mechanic Tom Griswald reportedly felt foolish that he had spent years struggling to make ends meet instead of pursuing a wealthy patron to lift him from his poor socioeconomic class.

“I feel like such a moron, I’ve been working doubles and moonlighting for Uber when this whole time I could have simply found an oligarch to pimp me out for nefarious reasons,” said Griswald, searching for “Billionaire Patron” on Indeed. “Well first thing in the morning I’m going to march right down to Yale and convince a contract law professor to help me write a book about how my mom sold me for drugs, and find some crypto bros to funnel dark money into my Senatorial campaign. Thank you Vice President Vance for inspiring me to finally take some personal responsibility, grab the couch by the armrests, and find me a scheming sugar daddy.”

Billionaire techno-autocrat Peter Thiel reminisced about the day he met Vance.

“You know, when I first plucked JD from obscurity and orchestrated his rise to the White House I thought he was just another pawn on my board, but watching him grow from a strange little boy to a strange plump man has been so fulfilling that some days I wonder who rescued who,” said Thiel, holding Vance’s old shock collar in his hands. “I’ve tried to convince Marc Andreesen how rewarding it is to groom your very own Manchurian candidate, but he insists on developing an AI to fulfill his global domination and companionship needs. Mind you it’s not a perfect science, John Fetterman blew a fuse and went haywire, but it’s all worth it when you see your special little guy bulldoze the federal government so he can remake the nation in your image.”

At press time, the nation’s oligarchs were collectively pretending not to notice Ted Cruz begging for adoption.

Yikes! We Asked John Mellencamp What “Hurts So Good” Is About, and He Went Into Graphic Detail About His First Time Experimenting With Nipple Clamps

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Everybody is aware of John Mellencamp’s befuddling “suckin’ on chili dogs” line, so we sat down with the aging rocker to learn the real meaning of his 1982 hit “Hurts So Good.”

We’ve been hearing this song in department stores and doctor’s office waiting rooms our whole lives, so it was nice to hear its meaning directly from the source. Unfortunately, his response ended up being much more than we had expected, so much so that we can only present you with a portion of the interview’s transcript.

The Hard Times: Hi, Mr. Mellencamp, it’s very nice to meet you!

John Mellencamp: Likewise!

HT: You’ve had a number of hits throughout your career, but we want to focus on “Hurts So Good” in particular. Can you tell us what that song is about?

JM: Oh, I thought it was obvious. That song is about how intense my first sexual experience with nipple clamps was.

HT: Excuse me?

JM: It was 1978, and I went to an S&M club in downtown Los Angeles called The Pain Pit. The sheer exhilaration I felt when that clamp first bit down on my left nipple is indescribable. I just had to write a song about it.

HT: Oh, good for you, Mr. Mellencamp. We just heard the song on the radio on the way to this interview, so we’re surprised it has such graphic subject matter.

JM: What did you think it was about? I mean, I’m the guy who sings about deepthroating chili dogs. The world should already know how much of a freak I am.

HT: Good point.

JM: While we’re on the subject, I was just at the Fuck Dungeon on Friday night. Do you want to see all the bruises I accumulated?

The conversation went on for another half hour after that, but we’ll spare you the details. Suffice it to say we certainly had not anticipated listening to a 73-year-old man walk us through the most recent nipple bruises he’d collected when we set out to do that interview. At least now we’ve got some closure on the true meaning of one of the two Mellencamp songs that we know. Remember to put your hands over your kids’ ears the next time this song comes on at a Dodgers game, and be careful which color bandana you carry in your back left pocket, apparently, you may be sending some unintended signals.

Honest Country Song About Small Town Mostly Bragging About Its Three Dialysis Centers

Posted on by John Danek

SMITHFIELD, Ind. — A chart-blazing country pop song extolling the qualities of a small town spends most of its length bizarrely boasting about its high number of dialysis centers per capita, music fans observed.

“City folk will never understand how fun and fulfilling a town like Smithfield can be, especially if you have kidney failure. That’s why I wrote ‘Smithfield Days, Smithfield Nights,’” stated Branson Hutchens, who is a rising star on Not NOT A Christian Nationalist Records, a country label out of Texas. “If the dialysis centers aren’t enough for you, do you like Subway sandwiches? Ho boy, you’ll have a blast. We have four franchises serving a community of just under two thousand. Two are within a stone’s throw of the most homophobic church in the county. Eat enough Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwiches and you’ll be at West End Dialysis in no time. Long live Smithfield and whatever is left of your kidneys.”

The mayor of Smithfield presented Hutchens with the key to the city for shining the national spotlight on their humble community.

“Branson Hutchens has deservedly earned the key to the city, which can open any break room in all three dialysis facilities within city limits,” stated Smithfield mayor Mary Carterson, whose most recent political victory was opening the Ted Nugent Museum of Science in the town. “He provided Smithfield with a much-needed win. Our town has been hit with a total loss of industry, a never-ending opioid epidemic, and a frightening resurgence of Ed Hardy and Affliction fashion. We are working with state government officials to get us officially designated as the Renal Care Capital of Indiana. Can you imagine? If successful, there’s no reason I can’t run for state senator.”

Nephrologists are sounding the alarm after this unexpected glorification of very serious kidney diseases.

“There is nothing particularly pleasant or fun about kidney failure or having to spend hours per month in dialysis centers surrounded by beige machinery,” stated Dr. Loren Hagen of IU Health Methodist Hospital. “We also need to stop glorifying four chord pop country meme songs, which are equally as dangerous and threats to modern life. Johnny Cash used to sing about killing people for no reason.”

The future of dialysis centers in the United States are in question after Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr recently proclaimed that “kidneys aren’t real.”

Man Who Dropped Phone, AirPods, and Watch in Public Toilet Declares He Is Living an “Orwellian Nightmare”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ABINGTON, Mass. — Local man Mike Horrigan declared he was living an Orwellian nightmare after dropping all his expensive Apple products into a freshly used public toilet, confirmed sources who were trying not to laugh.

“Society has become a technological hellscape that the human brain hasn’t properly adapted to. We need to go back to a simpler time where people could use public restrooms and not lose nearly $2,000 worth of electronics into a clogged toilet,” said Horrigan while wrapping his hands in paper towels in preparation for reaching into the bowl. “I suppose it’s my fault at the end of the day. We’re programmed to want the newest and the best products. But the engineers in Cupertino never account for the fact some people like to wipe while standing up, so it’s very easy for their phone to fall out of their pocket, then when they turn around in a panic to see what the plopping noise was their Airpods fly out of their ears, also landing in the toilet, at the exact same time the clasp on your watch gets snagged on the toilet paper holder and your Apple Watch lands right on time of last night’s dinner. This is what Orwell was talking about, probably.”

Other people using the public bathroom sympathized with Horrigan.

“Who among us hasn’t dropped their phone in the toilet? You just gotta hope the water is clean when it happens, and then you don’t tell anyone about it. But from what I heard in there today, this man was not so lucky,” said Dan Cleary, who admits to only using stalls in the bathroom because of a shy bladder. “After his initial reaction I overheard him mumbling about how AI is the death of art, and how human creativity became a commodity that simply wasn’t profitable anymore. He made some interesting points, but I could see under the stall that he still hadn’t pulled his pants up so it was tough to take him seriously.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook assured consumers that problems like this won’t happen in the near future.

“We have heard your concerns. You are tired of fishing your phone out of a filthy highway rest stop bathroom toilet. We are working on a new line of products that can be directly implanted into your brain that will allow you to text, make calls, and play games all in the comfort of your own cerebrum,” said Cook. “This new device will also have a news feed directly tailored to your biases, so you will never be challenged by outside perspective again. And the best part? Once it’s implanted, it can never come out, so you don’t have to worry about it falling out of your eye socket and landing in a litter box or something.”

At press time, Horrigan accidentally dropped his laptop in the toilet while Googling the Apple Care replacement policy in regards to human feces.

Five Humane Alternatives To Declawing Your Neighborhood Crust Punk

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh no, it happened again! Looks like your neighborhood crust punk got scared and scratched your kid after she got too close to his Marlboro stash, and you’re considering a declawing procedure, but not so fast! Before you resort to such a cruel and unethical approach, try considering these five humane alternatives.

Scratching Post
Did you know providing your neighborhood crust punk with a scratching post will give him a safe outlet while cutting down on potential outbursts? Make it familiar by constructing it out of old Discharge and Nausea patches. This will undoubtedly hasten his acclimatization to the post, and thus make him less of a liability to your neighborhood’s residents.

Beer
Remember, a sleeping crust punk is not going to be a danger to others. Moreover, a crust punk who is getting proper rest is much less likely to lash out at those around him. Leave a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon near his mattress every night, as this will help put him to sleep and keep him from prowling the neighborhood. Helpful tip: try switching to Pounders to save money.

Guitar
Give your neighborhood crust punk a guitar to keep him occupied. It does not have to be particularly fancy, as anything with a high gain humbucker will do. Remember, the goal is to keep your crust punk occupied. You don’t care about the music he plans on playing, and you certainly don’t want to hear it. As such, under no circumstances are you to provide him with an amp!

Tattoo Gun
Provide your crust punk with a tattoo gun so he can focus his time and energy on developing the craft that all crust punks inevitably end up focusing on. Not only will this give the crust punk a fulfilling pastime and thus keep your loved ones and neighbors safe, but it will help him become a productive, taxpaying member of society once he gets good enough to open his own shop. Also, you’ll have a hookup once you decide to get that Amebix tattoo you’ve been thinking about!

Euthanasia
It should go without saying that this alternative should only be considered as a last resort. Nobody wants to explore this option unless it’s absolutely necessary, which is unfortunately sometimes the case. Neighborhood crust punks can occasionally be beyond saving, but you should only draw this conclusion after all other alternatives have been attempted.

There you have it. Hopefully you were able to solve the problem without resorting to Number 5, but if not, stay tuned for our upcoming article on how to talk to your child about the sudden disappearance of your neighborhood crust punk.

Diehard MTV News Fan Only Going to Megadeth Show to Hear First Five Seconds of “Peace Sells”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOSTON — Lifelong fan of MTV News commercial segments Randy Colefell found himself going to see thrash metal legends Megadeth just to hear the opening bassline to their 1986 hit “Peace Sells,” sources report.

“I grew up getting all my news from MTV,” Colefell said. “Every time I heard the opening riff to ‘Peace Sells’ along with that spinning sphere, I knew Tabitha Soren or John Norris was going to give me the latest update on Lollapalooza or the aftermath of the Columbine massacre. As soon as I read that Megadeth was coming to town, I knew I just had to go see them so I could experience that iconic bassline in person. I have no real interest in seeing the band aside from the beginning of that one song, so I’m probably going to head out as soon as I’ve heard it. To be completely honest, I really can’t stand the sound of Dave Mustaine’s voice. Seems like MTV News put this band on the map.”

Colefell’s friend Rosie Willowbrook expressed her displeasure at his actions.

“Listen, I love MTV News as much as anyone else,” Willowbrook commented. “I just think if you’re going to spend 150 bucks on a ticket to a metal show, you should at least stick around for the whole thing. I know Megadeth’s live shows have been pretty lacking in recent years, but it’ll still be sick to hear ‘Holy Wars’ and ‘In My Darkest Hour’ live. Going just to hear the first five seconds of a song that’s not really that great to begin with just seems like a waste of time to me.”

Megadeth bassist James LoMenzo reacted to Colefell’s behavior.

“Listen, it’s cool that this guy can’t wait to hear me lay down that bass line,” LoMenzo provided. “I just wish he was every bit as excited to hear the rest of our set. Granted, we’re not going to play any of our other songs that have sick bass solos, like ‘Take No Prisoners,’ but we’ll be playing a few good tunes that he should stick around for. If you overlook ‘À Tout le Monde,’ you can really enjoy our set. I wasn’t even in the band when ‘Peace Sells’ was written and recorded, so I can’t even be flattered by this dude only wanting to hear that.”

At press time, Colefell left in disgust after Kurt Loder failed to appear after the first five seconds of “Peace Sells.”

JD Vance Pumped to Be Getting Two Christmases

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance can barely conceal his excitement at the prospect of getting “Two whole Christmases!” this year in light of the recent explosive rift between Donald Trump and Elon Musk, sources claim.

“Look, I understand the severity of the situation, and nobody wants Daddy and Daddy to stop fighting more than me, but if they do get divorced, that means I get a whole Christmas at the Mara Lago, and a whole Christmas at Elon’s house!” beamed the vice president to a crisis counselor called in to check on him. “And the best part is I heard that when grown-ups get divorced, they give even better Christmas presents than before! I might get a national abortion ban and a Switch 2! I mean, actually I get three Christmases if you count mean Auntie Melania’s White House party but ugh, so boring!”

While Trump’s inner circle reacts to the split in a multitude of ways, the DNC wasted no time capitalizing on the rift, trolling Trump with a free child pornography truck parked outside GOP headquarters.

Conservative Man Who is Afraid of Cities Mocks 22-Year-Old Girl Sailing Into Warzone

Posted on by Tim Graham

BELVEDERE, Ill. — Self-described ‘ultraMAGA patriot’ Gill Stevenson relentlessly criticized Greta Thunberg as she makes another attempt to bring aid to Gaza, according to sources.

“It’s just more performative grandstanding from Thunberg twerp,” said Stevenson while en route to get a deep tissue massage. “I’ve seen the pictures of her on that boat—it’s all a photo-op staged by the antisemitic liberal media. I saw an X post saying she’s really just delivering food, booze, and new Nintendo Switches to Hamas leaders. Want to know about courage? Real courage is my cousin Tony, who just last week went into Chicago to pick up a Peloton bike he saw on Craigslist. He paid in cash, and it wasn’t even a nice part of Chicago—it was on the South Side!”

Dr. Gabriel Boucher, who works with Doctors Without Borders, says actually seeing the situation in Gaza would humble people like Stevenson.

“Mr. Stevenson is one of these, how do you say, ‘keyboard warriors’?” said Dr. Boucher as he took a break from loading medical supplies into a truck. “These Americans like to sit with their phones, eating their cheeseburgers, drinking 144oz buckets of soda, all while daring to criticize brave young people like Ms. Thunberg. This man would not last five minutes in Gaza. I invite Mr. Stevenson to join me on my next trip. We will see who is brave when his Oakleys are knocked off his face by the concussion from a US-made 2,000-pound bomb that Israel dropped on a children’s hospital.”

Psychologist Edgar Feynman says Stevenson’s motives are pretty obvious.

“Mr. Stevenson is ashamed of his own cowardice, so he feels compelled to lash out when he is confronted with actual examples of human bravery,” said Feynman. “Ms. Thunberg’s selfless acts, which put her own life at serious risk, challenge Mr. Stevenson’s desired view of himself as a tough ‘alpha male.’ If he were interested in addressing his anger and feelings of inferiority, I would be glad to help with some exposure therapy. I’ve had good results using virtual reality simulations of walking around urban environments. We would work our way up to actually visiting a real city neighborhood and getting lunch at a local non-chain diner.”

At press time, Stevenson had reportedly changed the graphic on his F150’s tailgate from a hogtied Joe Biden to a hogtied Greta Thunberg.

Instagram Hiatus Broken for 498th Day in a Row

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BROOKLYN — Local man Dan Flemming was forced to explain to friends why, despite a repeatedly publicized hiatus from Instagram, he has been using the app for 498 days in a row since his initial departure, confirmed sources.

“I quit Instagram over a year ago after it became clear a vast majority of my feed was just brain rot and fear mongering. It’s just that I’ve needed to pop on real quick now and then to check on a few accounts for almost 500 days but that doesn’t mean the ban isn’t still technically in effect,” said Flemming. “Look, small businesses need engagement and I can’t risk missing a funny meme someone might send me. So I just jump on briefly and as soon as I’ve finished six hours of doomscrolling, the hiatus is back on. It was meant to be more of a symbolic break, not a literal one.”

Fleming’s friends were quickly getting tired of his excuses.

“You know for someone who announced for a week straight that he was leaving Instagram, he sure does send a whole lot of Reels and reads exactly zero books like he promised he would,” said Victor Nuñez. “Honestly I stopped caring after day 200, and I’m starting to think he doesn’t know what the word hiatus means. Personally, I think it was less of a proclamation and more of a cry for help. At this rate if he wants to cut out Insta he’s going to have to go full Unibomer and live in a desolate shack in the woods without any technology.”

Meta engineers acknowledged Flemming is one of many who have tried to take a break from their platform.

“Meta is well aware of the challenges that have arisen from a nonstop onslaught of influencer content, bad right-wing memes, and advertisements for things irrelevant to users’ interests. However, our platforms are optimized to never, ever let users leave,” said Xander Allen. “Go ahead and close out the app, you’re just going to open it back up in 30 seconds anyway. Hiatus? Give me a break. Where else are they going to get dopamine, by making real emotional connections in person? Users can leave any time they want, but deep down everyone is compelled to share what they had for dinner last night.”

As of press time, Flemming announced he will leave Instagram for good as soon as he receives a response from all the goth models he’s been DMing.

5 Thrash Bands You Might as Well Check Out Since You Don’t Know How To Patch the Hole in Your Only Pair of Jeans

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Welp, your sole pair of Wranglers that you wear to work, shows, dates, restaurants, and even funerals now has a hole in it. We would advise patching it up, but you certainly don’t have the mental wherewithal for that. Instead, we’ll introduce you to 5 lesser-known thrash metal bands so you can at least adopt the lifestyle you’re now cluelessly appropriating. What else are you going to do, buy a new pair? Yeah right.

Hirax
These Orange County thrashers have released 6 full-length LPs since — sorry, how old are you? How have you made it this far in life without obtaining a simple sewing kit? We’re happy to introduce you to all these killer bands, but honestly, you need to get your shit together. Anyway, Hirax’s first album dropped in 1985, and they’re still going strong today. Check them out if you’re not going to comport yourself like a fucking adult.

Razor
Let’s go north of the border to check out these Ontario psychos, but first, what exactly were you doing when you got that gigantic hole above the left knee? We’re just hard-pressed to understand how a grown man can find himself in this situation. At any rate, Razor is sick as fuck. We really like “Violent Restitution” and “Shotgun Justice,” but honestly, you can’t go wrong with any of their efforts if you’re going to insist on continuing with this charade.

Xentrix
Are you even enjoying these bands so far? Be honest. Thrash metal isn’t for everybody, so it’s okay if you don’t, and there is a very simple alternative to this. No? Okay, well Xentrix is a lamentably overlooked British band that would definitely appeal to casual thrashers who have only really listened to Metallica. You have checked out the first 4 Metallica albums, right? No? Ugh, Jesus Christ. Well, Xentrix is an awesome band. Go ahead and check them out, we guess.

Tankard
Hell yeah. Tankard has put out a whopping 19 full-length albums since they formed in 1983. They’re from Germany, and we’re willing to bet they know how to sew, so maybe you should give them a listen. Then again, you’ve never even heard “Master of Puppets,” so you know what? Do whatever you want. We can’t believe we still have another band left.

Sunn O)))
The fact that you’re seriously reading this shows we’ve completely wasted our time here. Sunn O))) is a drone metal band, which is clearly the opposite of thrash. Close this article and fix your fucking pants. Now.