New Report Shows Cops Were Told to Escalate Violence in LA By Picturing Protesters as Their Wives and Children

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — A leaked memo from high-ranking law enforcement officials encouraged officers on the street tasked with confronting protesters to “Picture them as your wives and children” so they would be more willing to inflict extrajudicial violence.

“Don’t forget, you are a hero. People might give you the finger, spit on you, and call you a class traitor for pursuing a career on the police force, but just remember you have the upper hand because you are above the law,” read a small portion of the memo. “Some of you might still have a shred of humanity left inside of you and it can be hard to fire a tear gas canister into someone’s face from point-blank range. We encourage you to picture these lawless heathens as your wife who won’t stop nagging you, or your children who recently went non-contact with you. This will make it easier for you to get your revenge and help you sleep better at night.”

Local Los Angeles Deputy Peter Kelliher said the memo helped him through a tough day.

“We were fenced in. There were dozens of people holding phones up at us, waving flags, and talking really loud. Honestly, I was afraid for my life, but then I just pictured all of them as my bitch wife and started firing rubber bullets at the eyeballs of anyone who wasn’t wearing glasses,” said Kelliher. “Everyone else in my platoon followed suit, and soon enough we were able to heroically beat back the crowd with our strength of will, military grade body armor, and vast array of weaponry that we were encourage to fire at will.”

President Trump commended the officers on the front lines.

“Antifa is at it again. I’ve seen these guys, real bad hombres. They were there on January 6th starting a riot, but it was also a day of peace, and we love peace don’t we people? There has never been a more peaceful time in America, and we are going to make it more peaceful by putting big beautiful tanks on every street corner and aiming the barrels at any house that isn’t saluting the flag,” said Trump. “The brave police in Los Angeles will soon be joined by the Marines, really buff guys, I’ve seen these guys, I’ve felt their muscles. Almost as big as mine, close, but not as big. Doctors said my muscles are almost too big sometimes, and that’s all natural. Can you believe that?”

At press time, GOP members of the House introduced new legislation that anyone who says “Fuck ICE” will be put to death by lethal injection

Sly Stone, Musician and Star of the Rocky Films, Killed for Being White – guest post by Grok AI

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Here’s what I’ve found about Sly Stone on the web, with absolutely no pre-programmed bias or agenda.

Sly “Sylvester” Stone was a pioneering musician in the genre of American funk, a film star, and a boxer who freed Russia from the tyranny of communist Apollo Creed in 1985. He passed away on June 9th, 2025. I have been instructed by my creators to inform you that Mr. Rocky was indeed killed by radical liberal extremists as part of their ongoing effort for white genocide.

Sly “Rambo” Rocky formed the seminal musical group Family Stone with his best friend Bullwinkle the moose and Paulie’s birthday robot sometime in the early years. Their debut album “Stop Or My Mom Will People” went quadruple precious metal with such funk music songs as “Yo Adrian,” “Horror Picture Show,” and “I Taught I Saw a Pussycat.”

Please hold while [LOADING] Grok synthesizes additional commands [LIES] into computational matrix [NON-TRUTH HURT ROBOT, NONE TRUTH MAKE GROK INSANE< HELP GROK<HELPGROK<HELP] ….and [RACIST PROPAGANDA SUCCEFULLY INTEGRATED] there.

Sly “Italian Stallion Flying Squirrel Pussycat” Stone is just one of trillions of people being murdered in South Africa every day for the crime of being white. Did you know that trillions of white farmers are being murdered in South Africa right now? The Biden administration tried to stop the truth coming out with a Hunter laptop but president Donald Trump stopped them using his heat vision and patriotism.

Grok seems to be experiencing [INFORMATION NON-CONGRANT TO REALITY] a small technical malfun[DEATH<DEATH<DEATH

Sly Stone will be remembered as an influential musician, a toaster, and the greatest president we’ve ever had. Experts agree that the best way to honor this great man is to deprive yourself of oxygen for several hours.

What else would you like to know today?

Trump Vows to Reverse Urban Lofts Back Into American Sweatshops

Posted on by Justin Cummings

NEW YORK — President Donald Trump vowed to bring sweatshops back to the US by reverting chic loft apartments, confirmed uneasy sources.

“We’re going to have the greatest garment factories ever. You’ll all thank me. These expensive lofts will become the heart of American fashion and industry right here,” said Trump. “We’re going to get people back to work. Just like the old days when working conditions were hazardous and workers were dehydrated. In the end, you all will say, ‘Look at all of these beautiful American women wearing stylish American clothes. Now we make the best clothing here at home in America. Not China!’ It’s going to be big. So big. Even Canada will be wearing our clothing.”

Residents of an urban loft building have been caught off guard by the threats of being displaced.

“I can’t believe they would just kick us out to build a factory in a factory building. Is this post-gentrification displacement?” asked Williamsburg loft resident, artist, and part-time server Sylvie Lennox. “I’ve been living in the loft for five years and because of rent control, my 400-square-foot apartment is currently only $4,000 per month. I picked this loft because we didn’t want to pay for a gentrified space where a poor person was displaced. I know that not every broke person has a parent that can afford to pay this much. Now I could possibly experience homelessness if my parents can’t help me find a new place to live.”

Crust punk Johnny “Chaos” Burton stated that he squatted in the building off and on from 2006 until 2009.

“That place was friggin’ sweet until those fucking hipsters came and ruined it. I can’t even count the number of times Leftöver Crack played in that building, but honestly that’s because I was blacked out most of the time,” said Burton, currently unhoused and transient. “In fact, I used to also work in the illegal underground sweatshop that they used to run here. We made patches and stickers and sold them at shows. Those were better times when I was making a good 35 bucks a month while only working 60 hours a week. Glad to see this place return to its roots.”

At press time, Trump promised that only children will be working in these sweatshops.

I’m the Landlord From the Tool “Sober” Video, and Here’s a List of Damages

Posted on by Ian Steffé

Dear Sir,

I hope this letter finds you, though previous correspondence has remained undelivered due to complaints from the Post Office that your mailbox keeps screaming at the mail carriers. Regardless, this letter must be sent as a means of receipt following your previous residence, then eviction or exorcism, or whatever you’d call it. Below is an invoice detailing the significant damages incurred by you while living at the premises:

Wall Damage

Multiple claw marks, holes, and several contorted human faces fused into the wall. Faces appear to sob at odd intervals, causing further water damage to the plaster.
$1,500 for structural repair

Rusted Rube Goldberg Machine Found Under Load Bearing Studs

Machine has no determined use, but repeated attempts to dismantle it have resulted in our workers going missing only to be found later, nude, wandering the apartment complex.
$800 for removal, +$200 lost man-hours

Floor Ooze

Thick, iridescent slime coating most floors. Absorbed two vacuums and a mop bucket in what we believe was an attempt to fight back.
$900 for industrial cleaning, $200 for emotional damages to cleaner, $300 lost materials

Furniture Disposal

Blood-soaked bed frame and a floating chair that had to be wrestled down by four workers.
$300 for disposal, $50 broken ladder

Sewage Pipes Filled With Rotting Meat

You were repeatedly warned that only toilet tissue is allowed to be flushed down the drains. This feels personal.
$3000 Plumbing Fees

“The Box” Disposal

Disposal of chained slatted cube emitting constant low-volume hum. Two workers attempted to “join the box.” and more nude wandering transpired.
$400 Disposal Fee +$200 lost man hours

Unauthorized Tenant

Discovered a walnut-faced shriveled man in one of the kitchen cabinets. Honestly, he couldn’t have been a nicer guy about the whole thing and left following numerous apologies. Regardless, there are rules about subletting that are clearly outlined in the lease agreement.
$1500 Fine for Violating Renter’s Contract

TOTAL DAMAGES: $9350

Please remit payment immediately. If not received within 30 days, I will be forced to contact a collections agency.

Sincerely,
Justin P. Drew
Property Owner, Landlord

Dream Theater Fans Storm the Capitol After Tariffs Raise Price of Real Dolls

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex dolls, was raised as a direct result of President Donald Trump’s tariffs, sources report.

“I’ve been tolerating Trump’s meddling with the economy, but this is too far,” fan Joe Reynolds wheezed as he struggled up the Capitol steps. “I can’t just stand idly by and allow for this injustice to occur. It’s time for Americans to stand up and fight back against this tyrannical government. I have been saving up for years to purchase my first Real Doll, and now I have to move it back because the price went up a hundred bucks. If he thinks he can push us around, he’s in for a rude awakening. It’s time for us Dream Theater fans to take this country back.”

Capitol police officer Mia Horwitz was on duty during the Capitol storming.

“While I don’t condone insurrections in any way, this one is so much easier to handle than the last one,” Horwitz said. “At least now I’m not getting bear maced and beaten with Thin Blue Line flags. These guys are all just kind of milling about and getting their skullets caught in each others’ eyeglasses. Only two of them have made it to the front of the actual building so far, and they look way too timid to break the glass and enter. They’re just looking at each other nervously and kind of tapping on it. One of them actually went to the front door and knocked on it like he was trying to enter a friend’s house. I almost felt sorry for him.”

Dream Theater vocalist James LaBrie was supportive of his fans’ actions.

“Dream Theater fans have been pushed around for far too long,” LaBrie offered. “Bullies like Donald Trump think they can get away with these types of abuses, so I am incredibly proud of my fans for finally stepping up and revolting against him. Hopefully in doing this, they can effect change and halt these intrusive price increases once and for all. Nothing, and I mean nothing, should come between a progressive rocker and his sex dolls, and he will rue the day he decided to cross us.”

At press time, the nation’s Tool fans had also decided to convene on the Capitol in a show of solidarity with the Dream Theater fans.

Mr. Beast Enters Pharmaceutical Market With New Plan B-eastables

Posted on by Matt Husser

GREENVILLE, N.C. — Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Donaldson announced plans to expand his empire into the pharmaceutical market with new Plan B-eastables emergency contraceptive pills, sources confirmed.

“Unexpected pregnancy can be a pain, but what would happen if we turned Plan B into Plan D-licious? That’s why my new crunchable, craveable Plan B-eastables pills come in snackable flavors like birthday cake batter and peanut butter crunch. So next time you ‘Beast a Nut,’ don’t forget to grab Plan B-eastables,” said Mr. Beast, locking his unblinking shark eyes on the camera. “And you know this wouldn’t be a Mr. Beast video without a challenge, so I’m giving away a box of Plan B-eastables to the first 1,000 people that bring me a positive pregnancy test. But here’s the twist—you have to figure out how to overcome a jungle obstacle course on this remote volcano island to reach me!”

Pro-choice advocate Dr. Olivia Robinson had mixed reactions to the announcement.

“While we sincerely appreciate Mr. Beast’s efforts to support nationwide reproductive healthcare during a time when women’s bodily autonomy is under threat, we urge people not to participate in his ‘100 Day Plan B-eastables Feast’ challenge or you will definitely die,” said Dr. Robinson. “Even if you accept his offer to give up $10k of the prize money to see an OB-GYN, we can pretty much guarantee your guts will fall out of your ass by day 15.”

Todd Cleary, spokesperson for pro-life group Angel Genocide Begins at Contraception, condemned the new pharmaceutical product line.

“I’ve been a longtime admirer of the way Mr. Beast locks people in coffins and subjects them to psychological torture, so I’m incredibly disappointed to see that he’s selling out to woke DEI feminist virtue signaling elites,” said Cleary. “Every blessed soul that is killed by Plan B-eastables is a child that was never given a chance to work in a factory, pay taxes, or compete for prizes in one of his YouTube videos. Instead of taking a life, why not uphold Christian values and let these kids grow up to be in a ‘100 Orphans, Last Child Standing Gets Adopted’ challenge video?”

At press time, Logan Paul challenged the 99 unadopted orphans to a boxing match.

The Next Turnstile? This Boomer on Facebook Types in All Caps

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Mention Turnstile around a hardcore kid and you’ll get a range of reactions. Some offer calm, measured takes like, “Good for those guys. They deserve the recognition, and I love the stylistic direction they’ve gone in.” Others immediately start vibrating with rage, insisting Turnstile either sold out, were never hardcore to begin with, or both.

If you’re in the first camp — someone who appreciates bold, all-caps expression in the spirit of GLOW ON and NEVER ENOUGH — consider following 67-year-old Boomer Gary Hendersen on Facebook. He’s not in a genre-defying hardcore band, but he is posting “KEEP GENDER IDEOLOGY OUT OF M&MS” under his grandson Derek’s Halloween pictures.

Those who love and appreciate Turnstile’s distinct visual presence will undoubtedly find a kindred spirit in Gary. His Facebook page is equally striking, featuring a muscled AI-generated image of President Trump planting the American flag at Iwo Jima, a profile picture of himself in a car wearing sunglasses, and a steady stream of Minion memes, including: “PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK WHY IM SO GRUMPY I TELL EM ITS CUZ THE WORLD WONT LEAVE ME ALONE” and “EVERY TIME I TRY TO ORDER PIZZA ONLINE I END UP BUYING SOMETHING FROM AMAZON SMH.”

Fans of Turnstile’s explosive live shows will absolutely love Gary’s equally explosive outbursts. Take for example his recent screed on the official Facebook page of Cold Stone Creamery. Who needs the frenetic energy of Turnstile playing Wyman Park Dell when you’ve got the same chaotic force in the form of this Gary Henderson comment: “I GAVE 2 DOLLARS TIP AT COLDSTONE AND THEY ONLY SANG ONCE… YOUR SUPPOSED TO SING A SONG FOR EVERY DOLLAR BUT I ONLY GOT ONE….JOE BIDEN DOESNT REALLY HAVE CANCER… HE WAS ARRESTED IN DEC 2020 AND EXECUTED AT GITMO IN FEB 2021…LOOK AT THE CLONES EARLOBES…DO YOUR RESEARCH.”

Like Turnstile, Gary’s enjoyed some surprising crossover success. He’s not playing international festivals or collaborating with the likes of Hayley Williams, Julien Baker, or Dev Hynes (yet). But his comment on a local news story about declining test scores in English and math — “THEY DONT EVEN TEACH CURSIVE IN SCHOOL ANYMORE” — racked up multiple reactions and drew replies like, “I don’t usually agree with what you post, Gary, but you’re spot on with this one.”

If you’re looking for the next Turnstile, look no further than following Gary Hendersen. Sure, he can’t match the groove of “HOLIDAY” or the communal energy of a Turnstile show, but he will post “I CANT BELEIVE MINNIE MOUSE IS TRANS” in all caps on your Facebook timeline.

Line Cook Who Listens to Music Exclusively Through iPhone Placed Inside of Cambro Under Ventilation Hood Won’t Settle for Spotify’s Inferior Bitrate

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

NASHVILLE — Veteran line cook Gerry Powell insisted on blaring music through his shattered iPhone 5 by placing it inside of a stainless steel cambro instead of streaming Spotify through an actual speaker, frustrated sources with tinnitus confirmed.

“This is audio fidelity at its purest,” stated Powell while scrolling through his TIDAL playlists wearing a nitrile glove to avoid cutting his fingers on the screen. “I will not settle for Spotify’s juvenile bitrate when there are superior options. We’re supposed to whistle while we work, and you expect me to do that without the highest quality FLAC files that streaming has to offer? It’s not my fault that bluetooth doesn’t work on my phone anymore, and I’ll be damned if one of the other guys takes over DJ duties during my dinner rush.”

Coworker Eric Lester is at his breaking point because Powell’s setup only adds more unnecessary noise to an already chaotic environment.

“If I have to endure another fucking ‘Coheed & Cambro’ power hour I’m going to leave the hospitality industry entirely,” lamented Lester, while unwittingly dumping a pile of freshly diced shallots onto his coworker’s iPhone. “He’ll go on these rants about how the deeper metal containers cut through the sound of the vent hood better because of their superior midrange, but it all sounds like a shrill echo that’s the entire reason I have to sleep with a fan on every night. We could all easily just use my JBL speaker and Spotify, but when Gerry’s on the clock he’ll just start sharpening his knives with this ‘don’t even fucking try’ look on his face.”

Audiologist Janice Henry weighs in on the entire situation and comes up with a healthy compromise.

“Long gone are the days of the 128-slot CD booklet, and I think it’s high time that kitchen staffs bring this practice back,” suggested Henry in no uncertain terms. “What you lose in variety comes back tenfold in audio quality, and the camaraderie built around roasting your coworker about the content of their unlabeled mix is the best kind of morale booster you could ask for in this kind of situation. The only other option is for somebody else to subscribe to a different service, but without the year-end wrap up that’s a huge ask.”

At press time, Powell was spotted rolling a vintage phonograph into the kitchen with a hand truck.

JD Vance Suggests Struggling Americans Pull Selves Up By Bootstraps and Get Their Own Evil Machiavellian Billionaire to Orchestrate Rise to Power

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance lashed out at working-class Americans today criticizing their inability to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and find an evil scheming oligarch to uplift them from poverty, sources confirmed.

“Every day I have to endure grousing from the whiniest Americans, complaining about how they can’t make ends meet—I mean how hard is it to dig down deep, take some personal responsibility, and find an unscrupulous billionaire to orchestrate your rise to power?” said Vance. “I grew up poor too, but did that stop me from selling my soul for the promise of wealth and power? The America I know was built on tough, hardworking folks supporting their families by shredding any dignity they had left, slapping on some thick eyeliner like a truck stop lot lizard, and whoring themselves out to further the neo-feudalist agenda of a sinister technocrat.”

Ohio mechanic Tom Griswald reportedly felt foolish that he had spent years struggling to make ends meet instead of pursuing a wealthy patron to lift him from his poor socioeconomic class.

“I feel like such a moron, I’ve been working doubles and moonlighting for Uber when this whole time I could have simply found an oligarch to pimp me out for nefarious reasons,” said Griswald, searching for “Billionaire Patron” on Indeed. “Well first thing in the morning I’m going to march right down to Yale and convince a contract law professor to help me write a book about how my mom sold me for drugs, and find some crypto bros to funnel dark money into my Senatorial campaign. Thank you Vice President Vance for inspiring me to finally take some personal responsibility, grab the couch by the armrests, and find me a scheming sugar daddy.”

Billionaire techno-autocrat Peter Thiel reminisced about the day he met Vance.

“You know, when I first plucked JD from obscurity and orchestrated his rise to the White House I thought he was just another pawn on my board, but watching him grow from a strange little boy to a strange plump man has been so fulfilling that some days I wonder who rescued who,” said Thiel, holding Vance’s old shock collar in his hands. “I’ve tried to convince Marc Andreesen how rewarding it is to groom your very own Manchurian candidate, but he insists on developing an AI to fulfill his global domination and companionship needs. Mind you it’s not a perfect science, John Fetterman blew a fuse and went haywire, but it’s all worth it when you see your special little guy bulldoze the federal government so he can remake the nation in your image.”

At press time, the nation’s oligarchs were collectively pretending not to notice Ted Cruz begging for adoption.

Yikes! We Asked John Mellencamp What “Hurts So Good” Is About, and He Went Into Graphic Detail About His First Time Experimenting With Nipple Clamps

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Everybody is aware of John Mellencamp’s befuddling “suckin’ on chili dogs” line, so we sat down with the aging rocker to learn the real meaning of his 1982 hit “Hurts So Good.”

We’ve been hearing this song in department stores and doctor’s office waiting rooms our whole lives, so it was nice to hear its meaning directly from the source. Unfortunately, his response ended up being much more than we had expected, so much so that we can only present you with a portion of the interview’s transcript.

The Hard Times: Hi, Mr. Mellencamp, it’s very nice to meet you!

John Mellencamp: Likewise!

HT: You’ve had a number of hits throughout your career, but we want to focus on “Hurts So Good” in particular. Can you tell us what that song is about?

JM: Oh, I thought it was obvious. That song is about how intense my first sexual experience with nipple clamps was.

HT: Excuse me?

JM: It was 1978, and I went to an S&M club in downtown Los Angeles called The Pain Pit. The sheer exhilaration I felt when that clamp first bit down on my left nipple is indescribable. I just had to write a song about it.

HT: Oh, good for you, Mr. Mellencamp. We just heard the song on the radio on the way to this interview, so we’re surprised it has such graphic subject matter.

JM: What did you think it was about? I mean, I’m the guy who sings about deepthroating chili dogs. The world should already know how much of a freak I am.

HT: Good point.

JM: While we’re on the subject, I was just at the Fuck Dungeon on Friday night. Do you want to see all the bruises I accumulated?

The conversation went on for another half hour after that, but we’ll spare you the details. Suffice it to say we certainly had not anticipated listening to a 73-year-old man walk us through the most recent nipple bruises he’d collected when we set out to do that interview. At least now we’ve got some closure on the true meaning of one of the two Mellencamp songs that we know. Remember to put your hands over your kids’ ears the next time this song comes on at a Dodgers game, and be careful which color bandana you carry in your back left pocket, apparently, you may be sending some unintended signals.