Mormon Hipster Prefers Earlier Day Saints

Posted on by Mike Moran

GILLETTE, Wyo. — Local hipster LDS adherent Rafter Barlow, who prefers the term “Josephite” over “Mormon,” is a faithful servant of god, a loyal church attendee, and reportedly “too cool for seminary” due to his preference for the “Earlier Day Saints,” confirmed sources.

“I just gravitate towards vintage saints,” said Barlow. “Yes, I’m aware, María de la Purísima Salvat Romero, or whatever her name is, is the current flavor of the week. But I’ll take Abercius of Hieropolis, any day. I mean dude succeeded Bishop Papias. Do today’s saints even know what piety is? And while we’re on it, can they please stop making sequels to the Book of Mormon? Call me a sacred text snob if you must, but I honestly haven’t even bothered reading that ‘Pearl of Great Price’ cash-in they released awhile back. I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘Hobbs and Shaw’ show up in it.”

Those among Barlow’s ward don’t always agree.

“I’m sorry, gramps, but get with the times,” says Gen Z Mormon, Julia Stevens, “This isn’t the Succession Crisis of 1844. Just because something is old, doesn’t mean it’s cool. I mean, look at Catholicism, or Gene Shalit. And it’s not just saints he’s snobby about. He also has to roll his eyes any time someone mentions Salt Lake City as it’s, as he puts it, full of nothing but post-Restoration posers and Bingham Young dick-riders these days. And his whole idea about using AI and CGI to restore old Mormon doctrine to their original versions? Would that include the 1978 Revelation on Priesthood, which finally allowed Black and African Mormons to be priests?”

Bishop James Hamon, who has mentored both Barlow and Stevens in the past, wishes younger Mormons would understand that they should spend less time trying to impress one another and more time trying to impress God.

“Quite frankly I think this kind of pearly-gatekeeping is as useless as caffeinated soda. I mean, God was doing literally everything before it was cool,” said Hamon. “I’ve been around much longer than Julia, and Rafter, and I can tell you, no one is really that dazzled. You’re talking to a guy who owns an original copy of the golden plates, signed by Joseph Smith, and authenticated by God. But sorry, no I can’t show you.”

At press time, there were rumors that Barlow was slowly inching his way back towards pre-20th Century Mormonism in an attempt to justify his multiple infidelities.

Opinion: My Favorite Beach Boys are Finally Reunited in the Afterlife: Brian Wilson, Dennis Wilson, and Charlie Manson

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Today is a very sad day. Legendary musician and founding member of The Beach Boys, Brian Wilson, died at the age of 82. But instead of falling to my knees and cursing the gods above for taking Brian away from us, I choose to take solace in the fact that he crossed over into the afterlife and reunited with my other favorite Beach Boys, his younger brother Dennis, and psychotic cult leader and murderer Charlie Manson.

The Beach Boys have had a few lineup changes, they even had celebrities like John Stamos join them in the studio and on the stage over the years, but any true Beach Boys fan knows the best lineup is when the rhythm section had Dennis on drums, and Brian on bass. What a duo. But if you really want the band to shine you need Charlie there sloppily playing guitar and doing his best not to stab anybody. That’s right, ol’ Chuck had that edge The Beach Boys needed.

Al Jardine might look like a bruiser who is always looking for a fight, but he’s a sweetheart at the end of the day. Mike Love was too busy writing the shittiest songs you’ve ever heard, and Karl was also there. But Charlie was a star. He had “it” and my definition of “it” is, of course: an insatiable bloodlust and complete disregard for human life. You see The Beach Boys were more than just a band that sang about surfing, and spending time with your girl, they were about rebellion. And there is no greater rebel than Charles Manson.

So yes, today we all mourn the passing of Brian Wilson, a true genius who changes the course of music history. But don’t fret, he’s probably jamming with Charlie right now and hoping he doesn’t get stabbed up a bunch. I’m not sure how it works once you die, but I’m pretty sure that you can still be stabbed in the afterlife, and we all know it doesn’t take much for Charlie to start stabbing. Just ask Rosemary and Leno LaBianca.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll be listening to the universally beloved Beach Boys song “Never Learn Not to Love” on repeat today as a tribute.

RIP Brian Wilson, and thank you for all the music.

Mike Love Posts Touching Tribute to Mike Love

Posted on by Dan Rice

In response to the recent passing of Brian Wilson, often credited as the driving creative force behind The Beach Boys’ best work, former bandmate and cousin Mike Love posted an emotional and touching tribute to the life and work of Mike Love on social media today:

“Today, the world has lost a brilliant musician’s cousin.

Brian Wilson, who used to be in The Beach Boys, my great American rock band that I am still in, has passed. I will always remember Brian as a guy whose musical choices, while often strange and commercially untenable, helped me, Mike Love of The Beach Boys, create some of the greatest, most profitable, and most enduring music of all time. Brian, if you’re up there reading this, thanks for the assist, buddy. I’ll take it from here.

I’ll never forget hearing Brian’s opening music to “California Girls” and being inspired to write all the in-between parts about all the types of girls and how I did them. Man, I was really on fire that day. Could I have gotten there without Brian? You’re damn right I could, but it would have been marginally harder. The point is, I’m great.

Brian’s biggest contribution to the outfit was spearheading “Pet Sounds,” an album I believe crawled so that “Kokomo” could walk. Everyone, stop what you’re doing right now and listen to “Kokomo.” I’ll join you. God, you hear that? Heaven.

Brian struggled a lot with drug use and mental health issues, but I’ll never forget how I overcame those roadblocks to achieve a net worth of over 80 million dollars today. It just goes to show what an indomitable spirit I had and continue to have.

It’s no secret that Brian and I had our differences. Approving the form letter that officially released Brian from the band was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. The font was very small, and I couldn’t find my reading glasses that day. Still, it was that tenacity and decisiveness that led to me, not Brian, getting to play for President Donald Trump and Mar-a-Lago in 2024.

I can’t say that I love Mike Love, because I am Mike Love, and a lot of people over the years have told me that when I do say that, it comes off as weird or annoying. That’s why I’m calling on you, America, in this trying time, to love me enough for both of us. I do love me though, to be clear.

Anyway, dibs on Brian’s stuff, especially the royalties. God Bless.”

Trump Deploys 2,000 AI Images of Himself Dressed Like Rambo Directly to Facebook to Intimidate Protesters

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to further quell any protests about his immigration policy by releasing thousands of AI-generated photos of himself on Facebook as a jacked Rambo, confirmed sources who are more confused than they are intimidated.

“These are some really beautiful photographs, some people say they should be in a museum. I’m not saying that, but a lot of people are. I’ve got the muscles, the bandana, and look at the size of that gun. That’s a very big gun, you could do a lot of damage with that,” said Trump while finishing a half dozen Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. “I want these photos to be a warning to all the radical left liberal freaks who think they have a right to push back against anything I do. These people are trying to come into your home and punch your photo of Jesus, and Jesus was a good man, a great man. I met him once in a dream. He came up to me, his body wasn’t as good as mine, and he looked kind of tired, and he said to me ‘I thought I had a good message, but yours is the best message.’ Can you believe Jesus said that to me?”

Facebook user, 58-year-old Eddie Lipton of South Dakota, was impressed by the vast array of Trump AI art.

“I was checking the news in my feed and saw how Los Angeles is on fire. Couldn’t happen to a better place, I had a 45 minute layover in LA one time and I’ve never been so afraid. I’m glad Trump is trying to keep the peace by rolling out these new photos, I was late for work because I stood up and sang “The Star Spangled Banner” each time I saw a new variation,” said Lipton while displaying multiple American flags which were desecrated with images of Trump. “I took some photos of my computer screen with my phone so I could send this Trump stuff to my daughter, but her lawyer intervened and said I was violating the restraining order. This country has gone mad.”

Activists on the streets remain undeterred  by the latest tactic from the White House.

“Fuck ICE, fuck Trump, fuck every single person in law enforcement. You are all scum, there is a special place in Hell for all of you. We won’t stop, there is more of us than there are of them,” said local organizer Sammi Garcia. “This president and this administration are a disgrace. The history books will not be kind to anyone who sat on the sidelines and watched this happen. Also, nobody under the age of 35 even has a Facebook account, dumb fucks.”

At press time, Trump changed his official White House photo to an AI image of himself riding a pegasus into battle on the beach at Normandy.

Columbia Agrees to Reinstate Prominent Phrenologists to Appease Trump

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — Columbia University agreed to re-hire several prominent phrenologists in a bid to quell President Trump’s threat of federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.

“It’s a pleasure to be employed again,” shared Dr. Atticus Johnhawk while placing an 1832 marble mapped brain on his desk. “President Trump is a brilliant man. No wonder he’s chosen his unique hairstyle, it hides the many bumps on his skull. As you know, more bumps means bigger brains, and that’s how we can tell who is a genius. It’s science. This has nothing to do with him being a member of the Aryan race, though I am also proudly a member and a leg-up never hurts. Now let’s get Columbia to do something about all those smooth-skulled foreign protestors. I’m happy to personally make recommendations to ICE after examining the skull textures of students on international visas. It’s the least I can do for my country.”

Columbia Dean Josef Sorett optimistically opined while practicing handshakes with a President Trump mannequin.

“I like to say ‘Classics never go out of style’ when it comes to re-introducing phrenology to the student experience,” shared Sorett while testing gentle kisses on the Trump mannequin. “We’ve made student protests completely illegal since we know how hurtful they are to our wise, brilliant leader. I just want him to know how hard we are working to keep him happy. We’re bringing back our undergraduate degree in Eugenics, with a special course taught by Roseanne Barr. Plus we’re re-segregating the quad space, an inspired touch from our Provost.”

Columbia freshman Colt Jackson-Smith has embraced the conservative makeover on the once historically liberal campus.

“I’m MAGA through and through, so I’m glad to see Columbia finally getting some sense knocked into them,” shared Jackson-Smith while pausing his Joe Rogan stream. “They even encouraged me to post my old blackface photos. That shit would’ve gotten me cancelled a year ago. Now it’s extra credit. It’s still concerning to know that just outside the campus is a liberal hellscape as threatening and diverse as New York City. But I think of Dylan Roof and know that everything is going to be OK. Columbia is truly a sanctuary campus—specifically for me, a proud white male republican.”

At press time, Columbia additionally made announcements within the College of Physicians and Surgeons to reintroduce medicinal leeching and mercury ingestion per new federal guidelines.

The Perfect Crime? Band That Performed in Front of Zero People Telling Everyone It Went Great

Posted on by Alec Walker

So our show had zero people at it, and I mean zero. Even the bartenders left after they watched us smack our guitar cases against the wall as we tried to get through the front door. It was so humiliating. Then, as I was ready to rage-tweet my disappointment, my bandmate suggested we just tell everyone it went great since there were no witnesses. Holy shit. What an incredible idea! And it was our bassist who thought of that. Crazy, right? Finally, providing some value. Anyway, I’m gonna go tell a bunch of people how great the show was and let you know how it goes.

UPDATE: Guys. This shit is INSANE. Everyone is showering me with praise. Whenever someone asks how many people were there, I just go “It was hard to tell, honestly. When you get locked into the performance, it’s almost like no one is there haha.” They keep laughing when I say that. I feel like God, if instead of creating worlds, God just created awful, grating alt-rock rip-offs.

We even filmed the show, but just a super close-up shot of our instruments, so you can’t see the crowd or that I was crying. Then I went and added crowd noise afterwards. Posted that to YouTube, zero views on that too. This couldn’t be easier to pull off.

I might start telling people I do all kinds of things I could never do. Like, “Hey mom, I’m a Navy Seal. It’s super top secret war and murder stuff, though, so you can’t even look it up. Don’t even try, or else I’ll have to Navy Seal you to death.” Come to think of it that’s what the guy in “Taxi Driver” did, and I’m pretty sure he wound up getting a medal or something.

I am a little worried this is going to my head, though, because I’ve started wondering how difficult it could even be to rob a bank. Probably not that hard, right? Right? Or wait, no, I’ll TELL people I did a really great bank robbery, and then I’ll get hired to do a bank robbery. Does anyone know any bank robbery hire-ers?

Come to think about it, I’ve never fact-checked a show I didn’t go to. Maybe no one goes to any shows. Maybe everyone is just lying to each other, and everyone is too wrapped up in their own shit to do anything but take it at face value. Maybe no one has ever seen Radiohead. Jesus, how far does this go?!

Whatever, I’ll put a pin in that for now because we have a show next week. The address on the poster doesn’t even exist. We’ll probably just get drunk in my apartment and play Guitar Hero because the audience is programmed to both exist and cheer. I’m never playing this stupid real guitar ever again.

Audio Engineering Mixup Results in Two-Minute Sound Clip From “Steel Magnolias” Being Included in New Mortician Song

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LAS VEGAS — A sound clip from 1989 film “Steel Magnolias” was accidentally used in the beginning of the song “Axewound Rhinoplasty” by notorious death/grind legends Mortician due to an audio engineering mishap at Bloodsoaked Studios, sources report.

“Oh man, I can’t believe I grabbed the wrong clip,” engineer Tom Duvroski lamented. “The band asked me to use something from 1987 slasher ‘Stage Fright,’ and I must have accidentally clicked the next one in the list. I don’t remember when I added the ending funeral scene from ‘Steel Magnolias’ to my cache, but it’s too late to fix now. People are going to be expecting the sound of a guy getting axed in the face by somebody in an owl mask in the back stage of some Italian play, and instead they’re going to get Sally Field wailing about her dead daughter in a Louisiana accent. I was so stoked when I got this job, and I can’t believe I messed it up this badly.”

Mortician frontman Will Rahmer was puzzled by the mistake.

“I wasn’t expecting that,” Rahmer admitted. “Obviously, Mortician has historically been a horror-themed band, and you can expect to hear clips from movies like ‘The Beyond’ and ‘House by the Cemetery’ when you listen to our music. I never would have thought to use the monologue of some distraught woman who has just lost her daughter, but you know what? It kind of works. Sally Field really poured her heart and soul into that scene, and it’s actually pretty brutal when you think about it. I would be angry about Tom’s mistake, but I think the end result is better than it would have been had we just used another ‘80s slasher. I’m grateful for this incident, as it’s going to help us broaden our horizons.”

Fan Cynthia Herrera was kind of on board with the clip they used for the new song.

“That was the most devastating Mortician song I’ve ever heard,” Herrera provided. “What clip was that in the beginning of the song? That lady talking about how she was there when her daughter was brought into this world as well as when she left it; man, that’s so grim! I’ve discovered so much horror from Mortician’s music, so I can’t wait to check out this movie. It sounds like it’s the most gruesome film they’ve used so far.”

At press time, Mortician decided to exclusively use drama films for its samples going forward.

Elder Millennial a Little Jealous That Today’s Teenage Punks Have Real Fascists to Rise up Against

Posted on by Mark Danowsky

PHILADELPHIA — Local 39-year-old Dwight Jenkins went on a series of tirades decrying “Gen Z’s endless string of luck” and is a little jealous that they have real fascists to stand up to, confirmed sources.

“I’m hella livid!” said Jenkins between mouthfuls of avocado toast. “We had Bush. He was like a joke but all he did was use 9/11 as an excuse to bomb the wrong country, and that was it. No fascism or nothing! Now they have literal Nazis running around the White House making legislation. Lucky Gen Z bastards! You remember campy Troma classics like ‘Surf Nazis Must Die’? Well that’s just everyday life for Gen Z. This generation is so privileged to be born into the perfect historical timeline.”

Gen Z influencer Jace Blaze repeatedly called out Jenkins’ tirades as “cringe.”

“They’re all a bunch of whiny nepo babies who failed to launch and have this chip on their shoulder about the Great Recession,” said Blaze. “Look, I get it. ‘08 wasn’t a good time to graduate from college. But my generation doesn’t just have FOMO, we literally missed out on all sorts of meaningful real life stuff because of Covid lockdowns. Millennials talk about not having kids because they can’t afford to, we talk about not having kids because the climate is destroyed and the Trump regime thinks most of us are disposable NPCs. Y’all better hope Gen Z antifa warlords clean up this mess A$AP Rocky.”

Ace Emicson, Emeritus Chair of the Ross School of Social Anthropology for Boston University’s satellite campus in Shreveport, knew all too well about this issue.

“It’s not often that a generation uses the ‘back in my day’ line but follows that with how much easier they had it,” said Emicson. “Typically, older generations—your Greatest Gen, Silent Gen, Boomers, Xers, Xennials—just want to complain how much harder things were for them. On the other hand, these Millennial activists have every right to be pissed that they were born in the wrong generation. Hell, the only thing they had to rise up against was when Fox News criticized Obama for wearing a tan suit.”

At press time, Jenkins released a new TikTok video called “Gen Z never had to grind like us.”

I’m Investing in Myself but in a Crypto “Pump & Dump” Kind of Way

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Investing is a perfect metaphor for life. Make shrewd decisions now, and your future self will thank you. However, while this approach might work for some, I needed something different. Therefore, I’m investing in myself, not as though I’m a publicly-traded reputable business, but rather a cryptocurrency with an obnoxious name whose value is artificially inflated by scam artists taking full advantage of an unregulated market.

This all started with my friend, Gianna. Seven years ago, she was unemployed, living in her younger cousin’s attic, and we’d spend hours drinking room-temperature Seagram’s and watching “The Hills” compilations on my phone. Now she’s fully sober with a house where she grows lettuce or something and works as a nurse at the free clinic. It was actually her who told me I should “seriously start investing in” myself, right after I was telling her I figured out the perfect method for pacing myself so that I’m always right below the legal limit when I leave the bar.

I totally dismissed this at first, on account of it being too hard and whatnot. But then, I heard about what a crypto pump & dump is and considered how I could translate this sort of duplicitous financial action to my daily life. I was ready to make a change.

All you need to know about a crypto pump & dump is that it involves convincing people that something not only worthless but also, essentially non-existent, has value. And then you reap the rewards. It’s truly amazing what can happen with the right mix of persuasion and gullibility.

And so, I now spend as much time as I can, not working on myself and practicing meaningful self-care, but thinking of myself in the most baselessly narcissistic terms possible while envisioning a future of comfort and renown I know to be entirely out of reach. It’s a real rush!

This won’t stop with me, either. The time has come for me to use these skills to deceive others. I will overhype and underdeliver to the best of my ability. Not only will I deliver less than was initially promised — I won’t deliver anything at all. But that won’t stop me from once again touting my supposed future potential, all as my inherent lack of value becomes all the more apparent.

Oh, and doing an actual crypto pump & dump will definitely be part of this.

Man Claims Ability to Differentiate Between Semisonic, Lit, Eve 6, and Tonic

Posted on by Tim Graham

SEEKONK, Mass. — Local man Gregory Bouchard boasts a savant-like skill for identifying songs by ‘90s post-grunge one-hit wonders, according to astounded sources.

“People don’t believe me when I tell them what I can do,” said Bouchard. “So I have them pull up a mid-90s alt-rock single and I can nail it every time. I attribute it to when I worked a warehouse job in the ‘90s. The thick walls prevented most radio signals from penetrating—all except the nearby alternative station. They played the same songs over and over for years. I probably heard ‘Inside Out’ three times per shift. That one’s by Eve 6, by the way. In the early 2000s I got an iPod and could finally listen to the music I truly love: klezmer versions of showtunes.”

Linda Olsen went out with Bouchard and says she can corroborate his unbelievable claim.

“We met on a dating site and sort of hit it off,” said Olsen. “As we were getting to know one another, he casually dropped this bombshell about being able to tell the difference between all those ‘90s bands. I didn’t believe him at first, but sure enough, on our first date he was able to rattle off ‘My Own Worst Enemy’ and ‘If You Could Only See’ as they came on at the Buffalo Wild Wings like it was nothing. When he correctly identified ‘Superman’s Dead’ by Our Lady Peace, I was floored. Ultimately, the relationship didn’t work out because he has literally nothing else going, but I was impressed by that one singularly interesting aspect of his personality.”

Former alternative rock DJ Kurt Gibbs says it’s only natural to mix up the bands of that era.

“In the mid-90s, record labels were signing every marginally edgy guitar-driven band they could in an effort to find the next Nirvana,” said Gibbs. “I would never blame anyone for confusing the alternative radio hits of that time period. You might be surprised to learn that even I have occasional trouble sorting those bands out. Now that my radio days are behind me, I can admit there were times when I would throw on a Lit song, for example, and accidentally announce it as Semisonic. The other DJs would fuck up like that sometimes, too. No one ever called us on it, though.”

At press time, Bouchard had been one-upped by a fellow bar patron who claimed to be able to tell the difference between Hinder, Saliva, and Trapt.