Punk Prodigy Pukes Onstage During Preschool Recital

Posted on by Casey Smith

JAMESTOWN, N.Y. — Local punk prodigy Marriott Dubois puked onstage during his preschool recital, solidifying his arrival in the local scene, confirmed sources who were jealous of his gift.

“The janitor just dumped sawdust on my puke, so open up the pit before an exorcist tries to shut us down,” growled Marriott as he was being cleaned up backstage, stinking of fresh barf, little kid body odor, and faint traces of tire fire. “People have been calling me the Bobby Fischer of punk, and it might have something to do with how much Hawaiian Punch and chunks of Chef Boyardee were seen in my vomit. Sounds like the last person to have this talent so young was GG Allin. If I ever figure out how to shit onstage I’ll be unstoppable.”

Marriott’s music teacher Ms. Hampton is likely the least surprised out of every parent in the auditorium.

“By alienating, captivating, and repulsing the audience at St. Mary’s Roman Catholic Church of Christ, his performance will be legendary at any hole-in-the-wall bar with $3 Pabst Blue Ribbons well into his drinking age, if he lives that long,” Hampton whispered through a wince. “He was the only one who took off his shirt and wrapped microphone cable around his fist as if he was brandishing a weapon during tryouts. This is a Catholic preschool, not a syringe cleaning center. However, I’m not ‘lying for Jesus’ when I say he has raw energy and there’s huge, figurative, pre-pubescent balls on that warrior for the lord.”

Local punk historian Crudup is well aware of Marriott’s lore and actually met him before this legendary performance.

“I met him in this underpass. Usually it’s invite-only when it comes to my home, but he didn’t care. He was like ‘who moved my Lego shit?’ as if I already knew who he was,” confessed Crudup, author of several gems of knowledge scrawled on bathroom stalls. “He’s evolving quickly. Most punks his age are experimenting with mohawks in the bathtub, whereas Marriott can estimate how much Elmer’s Glue is needed to raise a mohawk at any hair length. It’s impressive at his age.”

At press time, Dubois was already looking to start a band despite having little to no interest in actually learning how to play an instrument.

Pantera Mosh Pit Also Serves as Cop Team-Building Activity

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BURGETTSTOWN, Pa. — The mosh pit at a concert by popular metal band Pantera doubled as a team-building activity for local police officers, disgusted sources report.

“Oh yeah, everyone on the force is a huge Pantera fan,” Officer Chet Zeller said. “Since we were all going to the show anyway, we figured we might as well make a team-building activity out of it. We’ll do things like partner up and attack people in the crowd who aren’t moshing, then threaten to arrest them if they object to what we’re doing. Two other officers were also tasked with planting weed on a random concertgoer before handcuffing him. It just feels really good to carry out our favorite activities while listening to the best band in the world. Overall, it’s been a really great bonding experience for all of us.”

Witness Jerome Rodriguez was disgusted with what he had seen.

“Those guys were being such assholes,” Rodriguez reflected. “I mean, I fully expect moshers at a Pantera concert to be unsavory characters, but they were being way too aggressive and slamming into people who were way smaller than them, and threatening to taze anyone who ran into them even though they were in a mosh pit. They were wearing name tags, too, so I’m not sure what that was all about. I’m not really into moshing, but after seeing this, I think I’m going to skip Pantera shows altogether going forward. Hearing ‘Walk’ and ‘Cowboys from Hell’ for the millionth time definitely wasn’t worth putting up with all of that.”

Pantera frontman Phil Anselmo was more or less distracted by their presence.

“That was really distracting,” Anselmo offered. “When I’m up on stage during a show, I’m in the zone. I don’t like having my Nazi salutes and rants about white pride being interrupted by people going too hard in the pit. I have no problems with people moshing, but they kept shouting while they were tackling and reciting Miranda Rights to people, and it was making me lose focus. I gave these guys a free pass because they’re cops, and I’ve always been a huge fan of law enforcement. However, I don’t want anybody who’s planning on attending a Pantera show in the future thinking they can be this disruptive. The music should always come first.”

At press time, the team-building activity was so successful that the cops had decided to schedule another one at an upcoming Five Finger Death Punch show.

Whoa Sick! New Velvet Revolver Reissue To Include Six New Songs and a Hermetically Sealed Vial of an Std From 2005

Posted on by Kyle Donley

In honor of the 20 year anniversary of their smash debut album Contraband, the surviving members of Velvet Revolver have announced a reissue that is sure to gross you out all over again!

Touting a line-up that was ⅗ Guns N’ Roses, the main guy from Stone Temple Pilots, and then just some other random guy for good measure, Velvet Revolver made music for the strip club buffet line — all meaty hooks and sensual come-hithers. As far as supergroups from the early aughts go, they were unmatched in sexual prowess that nobody asked for, with a batch of songs that seemingly leaked from the 40-year old crotches of their leather pants into the households of millions.

Now remastered and infused with Botox and other inorganic fillers (full list included with 76-page CD booklet), the physical reissue is a thing of absolute beauty, assuming you derive your beauty standards from used Maxim magazines. The impressive set includes six never-before-heard songs, most of which were admittedly written by the guy that nobody knows, along with an assortment of demos and live recordings, plus “Slither (Sex Mix)” and “Fall To Pieces (Sex Mix)”!

However, music was never the strong suit for this band, and that remains the case on this reissue, which is what makes the included sensory delights so essential. For starters, it smells. No one can quite put their finger on what it smells like, its mercurial nature an olfactory Gobstopper of sorts, but some have suggested it resembles the stench of somebody fucking a tube of Lip Smackers. Please also be advised, the physical release of the reissue is meant to be sticky and may stain surfaces when removed from its latex casing. (Please note, the Super Deluxe reissue comes in lambskin.)

The thoughtful packaging is rounded out by the crown jewel of the entire set — a hermetically sealed vial of an STD from 2005. The addition of the vintage venereal disease, curated by Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla, truly brings the party to you straight from West Hollywood! While doctors have largely advised to keep the vial sealed, it is 100% your vial upon purchase, and you are free to do with it what you will.

Pre-orders are currently live and available exclusively through your PornHub account.

What the Deaths of Countless Middle Eastern Civilians Means for You at the Pump

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Summer is almost here. That means hopping in your car and hitting the open road with your best friends and family. But before you plan on making that trip to the lake house, you should know that gas prices are about to go up once again thanks to the escalating conflict between Iran and Israel. Families will be torn apart, lives will be ruined forever, children will be killed, and worst of all, you might have to pay a couple extra dollars to top off the Subaru.

The tensions in the Middle East have a lot of investors worried about a wider conflict. They are already ringing alarm bells that oil production might be disrupted. As mothers dig through the rubble to find any evidence of their buried children the future prices for oil surged nearly 8% on Friday.

“The deadly attacks Israel launched on Iran will have an immediate effect on the American public’s ability to cruise down the boardwalk in their newly restored 1968 GTO,” said Eric Winston, the CFO of Gasworks, a non-profit that monitors oil prices. “We are seeing multiple children with limbs blown clean off, we fear this will inspire the Iranian government to retaliate against Israel which could slow down oil production around the globe.”

Further escalation of the crisis could not only result in World War III, but significant increases in all petroleum based products.

“American contractors who operate outside of any actual laws are on the ground trying to keep the peace in hopes of preserving shareholder value,” added Winston. “But if we see another mass casualty event on a civilian population we could be paying at least 25 cents more per gallon by September.

Target Attempts to Win Back LGBTQ+ Community by Announcing Company Mascot Bullseye is a Power Bottom

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Retail giant Target announced a last ditch effort to win back support from the LGBTQ+ community by revealing their beloved mascot Bullseye is a known power bottom, company executives confirmed.

“Months of declining sales and being dunked on mercilessly all over social media have allowed us to reflect on how we can win back the trust of our queer guests. So starting today, we are proud to reveal our longtime mascot Bullseye is not just gay but an unrepentant power bottom. We’d also like to point out that he’s always had an insatiable thirst for violent ass poundings since day one, so please shop at our stores again, gays,” said CEO Brian Cornell. “Depicting Bullseye as a size king was way more cost-effective than initiatives supporting our queer team members and communities, so fingers crossed the shirts we’re rolling out can pull us out of this death spiral.”

The announcement was met with little fanfare from those still boycotting the brand.

“There’s desperation, and then there’s whatever the hell Target is doing. I guess it’s pretty ‘in your face’ putting Bullseye in assless chaps getting spit roasted on a t-shirt, but this doesn’t change the fact their executives couldn’t wait to throw us under the bus to appease conservatives,” said Michael Hellman. “Plus look how his back is barely arched, they got it all wrong. Gay Bullseye was definitely designed by a straight white woman.”

Prominent non-profit GLAAD has been following many corporations’ attempts to win back queer shoppers.

“Companies who fucked around with their DEI initiatives are now squarely in the middle of the ‘finding out’ phase, and are making desperate attempts to win back customers in the most tone-deaf and hackey ways possible. Comcast apparently is running a two week ‘Will and Grace’ marathon on all networks, while multiple Nissan dealerships are trying to win over lesbians by helping them move into their partner’s apartments free of charge,” said Kelly Wallace. “Just like their previous so-called support, it’s all performative. As far as we’re concerned, Bullseye is at best a bisexual who is having a fling during a business trip before he goes home to his frigid wife. We don’t need that kind of ally.”

After another dismal earnings report, Cornell offered to acknowledge Pride month by personally gargling the balls of anyone who’ll lift their self-imposed boycotts.

I’m Fighting the Patriarchy by Being Totally Inept at Household Tasks

Posted on by Sara Tabin

Overcoming gender expectations is tough. From infancy, we are all indoctrinated in ways subtle and overt to fulfill a rigid set of expectations foisted upon us by society. I have only the highest respect for people of all genders who are taking a stand against the normative and reductive ways in which we have been categorized and labeled.

Personally, I’m challenging gender roles by proving women can be just as ineffective as men when it comes to basic chores.

Leaving dishes soaking overnight in the sink and letting laundry pile up on the floor were once considered the exclusive domain of men. Not so anymore. I can do all that and more — my toilet is not scrubbed, my floors are not vacuumed, and my leftovers rotted in the fridge weeks ago. There are probably some other chores I am not doing, but I wouldn’t know what they are.

Taking out the trash, maybe? I think that happens on Thursdays? Someone should probably look into it. Not me, though. I’m too busy thinking the big thoughts.

My husband and housemates might allege that I am “lazy” or “not pulling my weight” around our shared house. They might say it isn’t fair that I ate the chilli which Nick made last night, but left my bowl on the table and went to my room to rewatch Succession when everyone else was helping to clean up. They might suggest that, in the rare instances where I do my own laundry, I shouldn’t forget it in the washing machine until Erin finally tosses up her hands and switches it to the dryer for me. They might argue that if nothing else, I should at least be respecting the time and energy of the female and non-binary people who share space with me by not creating extra work for them. To that, I say, stop hating on women who are succeeding in male-dominated fields.

I have weaponized my own incompetence against the patriarchy. If the price that must be paid is that of a clean, livable home, so be it. Great movements always require sacrifices.

Consider the glass ceiling shattered — but don’t expect me to help sweep up the shards.

New Member of Slipknot Told to Look Busy Until the Boss Finds Something for Him to Do

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DES MOINES, Iowa — Newest member of Slipknot Brett Francese found himself struggling to look busy during his first day on the job, sources report.

“I’m actually kind of surprised I got in the band only to be told to hold a clipboard and jot down something every once in a while,” Francese confessed. “I didn’t audition with any instruments. They just asked me if I wanted to join, which I of course accepted. When I got to my first practice session, though, I had no clue what I was supposed to be doing, and nobody else seemed to know either. The guitarist just told me to make it look like I was doing something when the boss Corey Taylor arrived. Luckily, he doesn’t always practice with the band and just stopped by to see how I was progressing, and I think I got away with it. I just hope they find something for me to do soon.”

Guitarist Mick Thomson reflected on the band’s situation.

“First days are always the worst with Slipknot,” Thomson said. “Most of the guys are perfectly fine with the newbies not having anything to do, but Corey can be a real stickler. I gave Brett a baseball bat, keg, and some DJ equipment to play around with in case Corey swung by. I’m glad I did, because Corey showed up very shortly after that, and Brett was just kind of awkwardly headbanging near the gas mask guy. I motioned for him to pick up a baseball bat just in time for Corey to see him, so I don’t think we’ll get in trouble. I’m going to need to find something permanent for him to do, though. Maybe he can be the second bassist.”

Taylor reflected on his visit to the practice session.

“As the singer, I don’t really need to be at every band rehearsal,” Taylor provided. “In fact, it’s better for me to only show up sometimes because it gets so crowded in our practice space. I wanted to check in on our new guy Brett, though, and I was really pleased to see him holding a baseball bat near one of the beer kegs. It’s great that his entrance into the band is going over so smoothly. We have Knotfest starting in a few months, so this couldn’t be more perfectly timed. By then, he’ll be crushing that fucking keg.”

At press time, Francese was relieved that his two-hour orientation would eat up some of his first day downtime.

Struggling Punk Dad Forced To Boil, Eat Pasta Necklace Son Made For Father’s Day

Posted on by Evan Vest

TACOMA, Wash. — Local cash-strapped punk father Eric Mallory was left with no other choice but to boil and eat the multicolored pasta necklace his son had made him at school for Father’s Day, confirmed sources.

“Fuck, dude. He knows I can’t resist the delicious taste of wearable tri-color rotini,” Mallory expressed as he cut the cotton string holding the necklace together and let the pasta slide off into the boiling pot of water. “I was like seriously hoping it wouldn’t come down to this considering I’ve already been bumming string cheese off the little fucker and eating the crusts off his peanut butter sandwiches, but shit’s been really tight lately since I’ve gotten that DUI on a bike, and my fridge has jack fuck in it right now. I’m just really glad it’s mom’s weekend to have him, I really couldn’t stand for him to see me like this.”

The father’s son, Mica Mallory, revealed that the gift might’ve been intended to eat the whole time.

“I kinda figured he would eat it. That’s why I also gifted him a jar of Ragu,” expressed the 10-year-old, while playing with some empty cardboard boxes at his mom’s boyfriend’s house downtown. “Dad’s house is really fun, but he never has a lot of food. He did have a whole box of Capri-Suns one time and we spent the day drinking them and jumping on random stuff. But yeah, I now understand why he’s always encouraging me to make food art at school.”

Local teachers were all too aware of this phenomenon.

“Financially inept fathers do this kid of thing all the time,” said Ms. Evanston. “First it starts with low-level incidents like eating the pasta necklace their kid made them. Next they’re stealing half their child’s trick-or-treat stash in the middle of the night when they’re asleep. Once they start coming into school lunch hours and asking random children if ‘they’re going to eat that’ before taking a handful of their French fries, that’s when it’s time to call child protective services.”

At press time, Mallory asked his son if his school planned on teaching him how to make any art with fully baked lasagna any time soon.

If I’m Such a Bad Dad, Why Can My 5-Year-Old Explain the Difference Between a Parlay and a Straight Bet?

Posted on by Doug Kolic

It’s easy for society to blame parents for all the problems today’s youth are experiencing. It’s even easier for society to point their fingers at me specifically and say I’m unfit, just because my kids, wherever they are, have been labeled as “out-of-control monsters” by every school that’s expelled them. But if I was such a bad father, how the heck does my five-year-old know the most complicated ins and outs of sports betting when most of his classmates can’t even read?

When I spend my precious two hours per week that I’m allowed to with my youngest, Bran… Bry… let’s call him Braydon, I try to teach him things that he will actually find useful later in life. That’s why when I take him to the racetrack, I make sure we go to one that also has on-site sports betting. That way, he can not only learn the difference between parlays and straight bets, but he can be even more well-rounded by understanding what I mean when I tell him that we’re going to wager his next installment of child support on a boxed trifecta because daddy’s got a good feeling about the way those three fillies are prancing to the starting gate.

And that’s the thing with kids — they catch on so fast. One minute, they can barely tie their own shoes or grasp that they shouldn’t rat out their dad for being taken to another cockfight, and the next, they’re picking up on your subtle cue to fake a medical emergency at the blackjack table, just long enough for me to sneak a quick peek at what the dealer’s holding.

Not all kids are the same. From what I’ve been able to gather from being a dad for the past 10 years, is that they almost all seem to have their own personalities and stuff. Some parents like to clamp down on these types of kids, foolishly giving them boundaries that stifle their growing brains, instead of giving them important character-building experiences like standing lookout while dear old dad removes the neighbor’s catalytic converter from their new SUV or how to help organize his gun drawers.

If you wanna focus on filling your kid’s head with a bunch of book learning, that’s your business. Me? I prefer giving them real-life experiences that will shape them into well-rounded adults ready to leave town at a moment’s notice once the bookie’s enforcers come knocking.

Greg Ginn Treats New Black Flag Members to Pizza Party at Chuck E. Cheese

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

AUSTIN, Texas — Guitarist Greg Ginn of Black Flag recently treated the rest of the band to a pizza party at Chuck E. Cheese after a successful rehearsal where he introduced the new members to much of the band’s catalog, according to sources who thought they were his kids.

“Those little angels finished their homework by learning the entire Black Flag catalog,” said Ginn while wistfully looking at a picture of them all together. “They also swept the rehearsal space, took out the garbage, and wore their seat belts on the way over. So I rewarded them for their good behavior and took them to Chuck E. Cheese. They worked real hard and learned everything from the simple chords of ‘Nervous Breakdown’ to the simple chords of ‘Annihilate This Week.’ The band was so tuckered out from playing games and eating pizza that they slept the whole way home.”

Black Flag bassist David Rodriguez recalled one peculiar event.

“Free pizza is always good,” reported Rodriguez while trying not to look at a creepy “My War” poster. “But there was this weird thing where Uncle Greg — he makes us call him that — collected all of our prize tickets as we played skee-ball, the basketball game, and so on. He said the tickets belonged to the band, and the rest of us only got a few tickets each. Uncle Greg walked out of there with an awesome Ninja Turtles air hockey table, while we were stuck with plastic army men and rubber cockroaches. Lame.”

Former Black Flag vocalist Henry Rollins says Ginn has changed his tune over the years.

“First of all, that’s total bullshit,” screamed Rollins as he headbutted a cinder block. “We always wanted to eat at Chuck E. Cheese but Greg never let us. He said it wouldn’t be good for our image if fans saw us eating pizza and having a good time. Life on the road was so hard, especially back then, and all we wanted was to take a load off and enjoy a few games while enjoying pepperoni pizza. Is that so much to ask? I’m still really pissed about it. Part of me thinks that if Greg would have just let us blow off some steam once in a while I wouldn’t have ended up as angry as I am.”

At press time, Ginn was seen sitting the rest of Black Flag down to discuss their recent report cards from school.