We all know the feeling: you’re sitting down with a big, sloppy chicken parm sandwich to revisit an old episode of Chopped when the commercials start. The light goes out of your eyes as you watch the timer slowly tick down the 120 seconds, cursing yourself for being too cheap to shell out the extra ten bucks a month for Hulu Premium as anthropomorphic bears rattle on incessantly about how they’re constantly shitting their collective brains out.
Are they really that one-dimensional, or is there something more to these bowel-moving Berenstain ripoffs than meets the eye? We recently sat down with them to find out.
The Hard Times: Hi everyone, how are you all doing?
Father Bear: We’re doing great, thanks to new Charmin Ultra Strong!
Son Bear: You bet! My hiney has never felt this clean!
HT: Oh…cool. Well, we’ve really been looking forward to this interview. It’s not every day that you get to interact with bears that can speak like humans. Do you know if there are other bears like you?
Mother Bear: Well, I can guarantee you no other bears have bottoms as clean as ours, thanks to Charmin.
Daughter Bear: You’ve sure got that right, Mom!
HT: Ugh, fine. Well, the fact that we’re speaking with you actually raises a pretty deep question about the nature of perception. Aristotle famously opined that the ability to reason and reflect is what separates human consciousness from that of animals. The fact that I’m able to have this conversation with you, however, completely upends such an assertion. When did you realize that you had this remarkable ability to not only rationally perceive of your positions in your respective environments, but to communicate openly with human beings?
FB: When I was stranded in the bathroom with single-ply TP! It was terrible!
MB: Oh yes, I remember that, dear! Luckily, I had just returned home with a Mega Roll of Charmin Ultra Gentle.
FB: I was able to get my bottom Charmin-clean with no chafing!
HT: Jesus Christ. Well, we honestly can’t even humor you on this subject. We just had a bidet installed in our office, and —
DB: What the fuck did you just say?
HT: Uh, we haven’t really needed to spring on name-brand toilet paper since we got a bidet.
FB: Are you fucking kidding me? We wouldn’t have signed onto this interview if we knew it was being conducted by pretentious bidet users! I’ve never been so furious in my life!
MB: Oh no, look what you’ve done. I can’t say you motherfuckers don’t deserve it.
HT: Wait, what?
SB: Get ‘em, Dad!
FB: RAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!
At that point we hurried the fuck out of their weird, animated house with a gigantic, red-furred bear hot on our trail. Luckily he had this goofy-ass gait using only his hind legs, so we managed to escape pretty easily. Better luck next time, we guess.
His reserved nature, introverted personality, and focus on personal integrity would deter him from participating in ventures that involve aggressive sales tactics or dubious promises of financial success. However, Cameron’s deep sense of loyalty might allow a friend or family member to pressure him to invest in a scheme without actually participating. Probable MLM Choice: Alternative Energy
Brian, the brainy character from “The Breakfast Club,” is deeply focused on academic achievement and intellectual pursuits. Brian’s pragmatic and logical approach to life would likely make him skeptical of MLM schemes, which often rely on emotional appeals and exaggerated promises rather than empirical evidence. His preference for concrete facts and his cautious nature would lead him to scrutinize the practicality and viability of MLM opportunities. Probable MLM Choice: Importing/Exporting
Allison is the quirky and enigmatic character from “The Breakfast Club” known for her unconventional behavior and unique perspective on life. Her eccentric personality and tendency to march to the beat of her own drum suggest that she might entertain the idea of exploring unconventional products and lifestyles, which some MLM schemes often promote. However, Allison’s introverted nature and lack of interest in conforming to societal norms would likely hinder her ability to actively participate in MLM activities. Probable MLM Choice: Eco-Friendly Wellness Products
Gary might find himself moderately inclined towards participating in an MLM scheme, likely focusing on tech gadgets or innovative products. His curiosity and interest in experimenting with new ideas could make him open to exploring and promoting niche products within the MLM industry. However, his practical nature and the challenges of salesmanship might temper his enthusiasm. Probable MLM Choice: Tech Gadgets
Jack is practical and down-to-earth. While he might attend an MLM meeting out of curiosity, he’s too grounded to get swept up in the hype. His experience with managing a household and raising kids has taught him the value of hard work and authenticity. Jack is a man who thrives on genuine human connections and real, tangible results. He’s likely to see through the flashy presentations and empty promises of MLM schemes. Probable MLM Choice: Household Cleaning Products
A high-strung advertising executive who might get dragged into an MLM to relieve some stress. His cautious nature and background in a more traditional corporate environment would make him approach any MLM opportunity with significant reservations, carefully analyzing the risks before making any commitments. Ultimately, Neal’s involvement would be cautious and calculated but ultimately drain his savings and explode in his face. Probable MLM Choice: Leadership Training
Jake’s character in “She’s Having a Baby” is portrayed as a young man navigating the transition to adulthood and the pressures that come with it. While he displays a level-headed and responsible demeanor, Jake is also depicted as someone who values traditional aspirations and stability. This cautious approach to life may make him hesitant to engage in MLM schemes, which often require a higher risk tolerance and a willingness to challenge conventional career paths. Jake might cautiously explore MLM opportunities, albeit with a critical eye. Probable MLM Choice: Health Supplements
Wyatt’s tech-savvy skills and innovative thinking, as evidenced by his creation of Lisa, the perfect woman, suggest he has the capability to be attracted to unconventional ideas. Wyatt’s initial hesitation and moral compass might initially deter him, but his curiosity and desire for social acceptance could eventually lead him to explore MLM opportunities. He might find himself intrigued by innovations in science and technology, potentially seeing MLM as a way to showcase his inventions or ideas to others. However, his introverted nature would make him less effective in the MLM sales environment compared to others. Probable MLM Choice: Tech Industry Startups
Sloane might find herself intrigued by the allure of MLM schemes, primarily due to her charm and ability to network effortlessly. Her socialite status and knack for influencing others could make her a natural fit for promoting lifestyle products or beauty items within the MLM industry. However, Sloane’s discerning taste and practical mindset might also make her skeptical of quick-money schemes. She would excel in bringing people together for MLM events and parties. Probable MLM Choice: Swarovski Crystal
Samantha’s romantic idealism and sensitive nature could lead her to believe in the transformative power of the products she sells, such as skincare or wellness items. Samantha’s desire to make meaningful connections and her willingness to explore alternative paths might align well with the community-focused aspects of MLMs. However, her initial hesitation and ethical considerations could moderate her involvement, keeping her likelihood slightly below maximum. Probable MLM Choice: Skincare Products
Bender’s rebellious nature and keen awareness of authority structures would make him see MLMs as just another system to exploit. He would participate fully aware of the Ponzi scheme nature of it, enjoying the thrill of bending the rules and seeing how much he could get away with. However, his disdain for authority and the establishment would keep him from fully committing, often leaving a trail of chaos in his wake rather than any real success. Probable MLM Choice: Adult Erotic Toys
Clark Griswold’s unwavering optimism and his relentless pursuit of the American Dream could easily lead him down the MLM rabbit hole. Ever the family man, Clark’s desire to provide the best for his loved ones and his penchant for get-rich-quick schemes make him a prime candidate for MLM pitches. His tendency to dive headfirst into ill-advised adventures without fully understanding the consequences would see him embracing an MLM with enthusiasm, convinced he could achieve financial success and finally fund the perfect family vacation. However, his lack of attention to detail and overly trusting nature might allow him to be taken advantage of and lose everything. Probable MLM Choice: Insurance Packages
With her independent streak and determination, could easily find herself drawn into an MLM scheme. Growing up on the wrong side of the tracks, she’s always had to hustle to get by, and that entrepreneurial spirit could make her a prime target for MLM recruiters. Andie’s eye for fashion and her knack for creating unique looks from thrift store finds could translate into a natural affinity for selling beauty or fashion products. However, her deep sense of loyalty and the close bonds she forms with people might make her hesitant to push too hard on her friends. Probable MLM Choice: Trendy Fashion Accessories
The clever and resourceful protagonist would grow up to be drawn in by the promise of self-sufficiency. His personality traits could translate into a savvy but potentially misguided entrepreneurial spirit. Kevin might be drawn to MLM schemes promising independence and the thrill of outmaneuvering others in a competitive market. His desire for self-sufficiency and his knack for thinking on his feet could make him successful in a niche MLM. Probable MLM Choice: For-Profit Universities
His athletic background and disciplined demeanor suggest Andy might gravitate towards promoting fitness or sports-related products within such schemes. Additionally, desire to excel could drive him to engage enthusiastically in networking and sales activities typical of MLM businesses. However, his tendency to want to please authority might lead him to blindly trust the wrong people, making him a prime target for manipulation. Probable MLM Choice: Fitness Products
Buck’s larger-than-life personality and willingness to dive headfirst into offbeat ventures make him particularly susceptible to the flashy promises of multi-level marketing. His approach to life—more about making a quick buck and having a good time than sticking to conventional paths—would make him an enthusiastic, if somewhat misguided, participant in MLM activities. Buck’s charm and knack for connecting with people could make him a persuasive recruiter, especially when it comes to selling quirky or unconventional products. Probable MLM Choice: Wholesale Gadgets and Gizmos
Jim’s combination of charm and desperation for a stable income could easily lead him into the world of MLMs. His tendency to jump from job to job and his skill in spinning tall tales might make him an attractive candidate for MLM recruiters. Jim’s willingness to take risks and his natural charisma would help him recruit others, but his lack of financial savvy might cause him to overlook the pitfalls. The allure of quick money and the promise of independence would be hard for him to resist, making him a likely MLM target despite the eventual fallout. Probable MLM Choice: Real Estate
Steff McKee, the quintessential preppy antagonist from Pretty in Pink, has a flair for self-importance and a knack for exploiting social hierarchies. His propensity for flaunting his family’s wealth and his obsession with status make him a prime candidate for MLM schemes that promise exclusivity and a taste of the high life. Steff’s inclination to surround himself with people who admire his social standing could make him susceptible to MLM pitches. His charm and ability to manipulate social circles would likely help him recruit others. Probable MLM Choice: Cryptocurrency
Claire’s socialite status and charm would make her a prime candidate for MLM schemes. She would host glamorous parties and convince her affluent friends to join, effortlessly pushing beauty and luxury lifestyle products. Her popularity and persuasive nature would ensure a steady stream of recruits, making her a top performer in any MLM organization she joins. Probable MLM Choice: Luxury Beauty Products
Ferris’s charisma and ability to charm others would likely make him a top MLM recruiter, pitching lifestyle and vacation products. His personality and ability to persuade others would make him an effective recruiter and salesman within the MLM structure. Ferris’s knack for convincing people to join him in his adventures could easily translate into convincing them to join his MLM team. His charm and confidence could also help him sell almost anything, leveraging his popularity and social influence to build a successful MLM business. Probable MLM Choice: Vacation Packages
Duckie would get involved in any MLM scheme proposed to him, but he would be notoriously bad at them. Duckie’s outgoing personality, love for fashion, and entrepreneurial spirit make him susceptible to the flashy promises and social dynamics of MLMs. However, his lack of sales finesse, tendency to overshare personal anecdotes during pitches, and his insistence on being authentic and honest would alienate potential customers. Probable MLM Choice: Event Ticket Resales
Roman Craig, the high-powered, money-obsessed brother-in-law, actively participates in a ponzi scheme in the movie. Roman’s relentless pursuit of wealth and status, combined with his love for showing off, would make him a prime target for the flashy allure of multi-level marketing. He’s the type who’d be drawn to the promises of financial freedom and a luxurious lifestyle. Roman’s smooth-talking, hyper-competitive nature would see him diving headfirst into an MLM, convinced he could out-hustle everyone else and rise to the top. He’d be the guy throwing lavish recruitment parties at his upscale home, complete with PowerPoint presentations and testimonials from supposed “millionaire” MLM veterans. Probable MLM Choice: Day Trading
Dell’s gregarious nature and extensive “work” experience make him a prime candidate for MLM schemes. His innate ability to connect with people and his relentless optimism would make him a natural recruiter. Dell’s tendency to see the best in everyone and everything might blind him to the red flags of MLMs and he would struggle to see the harm he’s inadvertently causing. His infectious enthusiasm would likely convince even the most skeptical, dragging them into the MLM world alongside him. Unfortunately, his unwavering faith in people would also mean that when it all falls apart, Dell would be the last to admit defeat. And when the inevitable collapse happens, he’d likely double down, thinking his next pitch or product will finally be the one to succeed. Probable MLM Choice: Knives
Svën is Ren’s cousin and has achieved a physical build identical to Stimpy. He also likes to show off his collection of used band-aids upon meeting new people. There’s just no way this European dog has any clue what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon. He’s more interested in adding to his jar of spit as a hobby.
Powdered Toast Man was the superhero we didn’t know we didn’t need. He may have a stature that would be feared among inferior breakfast foods and villainous sycophants like Schneider, but unfortunately this anthropomorphic slice of bread is oblivious to his surroundings at all times.
Stinky is a species of flatulence. More specifically, he is Stimpy’s “fart child.” If parents can’t handle child-free adults referring to their pets as their children then they’re going to have a mental breakdown when they find out who Stimpy considers his offspring. But that’s beside the point. We all know intestinal gasses can’t distinguish between good and despicable behavior.
This woman once saved Ren’s life by administering CPR on him, so we know she does the right thing and therefore likely didn’t know about Schneider or else she would’ve thrown her personal elephant at him.
The walrus has experienced severe trauma after being held captive by Mr. Horse. If he had seen anything, he likely would have told castmates to “call the police.”
This codger has a lot of tales to tell and he mostly regales them as body parts casually slide off of him. He’s the kind of guy everyone avoids in the office so there’s no way anyone would let him in on this Schneider thing and he’d never figure it out himself.
“The Ren and Stimpy Show” is not short of deranged mythological creatures. This one-eyed elf lives in Stimpy’s bellybutton and often transforms into a massive porkchop named Adonis. Judging by Jerry’s off-grid anatomical dwelling situation, it is doubtful he had any idea of the Nickelodeon situation.
Jasper wears a lot of hats on the show. However, none of his parts are very juicy so he’s not really on set enough to witness Schneider’s misconduct. Justice for Jasper.
Anthony is a 10-year-old who is a fan of Ren and Stimpy as an on-screen comedic duo. However, his fandom comes into question when Anthony finds Ren taking a dump. Up until that point, he hadn’t realized that actors have bowel movements. This kid has just not yet made it to the stage of life where you mentally comprehend “inappropriate and misconduct allegations.”
This Lummox’s vocabulary is extremely underdeveloped. His favorite food is meat and his favorite drink is meat. You could tell Kowalski to his face exactly what Dan Schneider had been doing on the set and he still wouldn’t know what was going on.
Ghosts are typically confined to one particular house to do their hauntings. Chances are Dan Schneider didn’t pull his weird shit at strangers’ houses so this ghost doesn’t know a damn thing.
As their not so subtle names suggest, these men are just not on the ball. They’re also law enforcement so they definitely have no idea what’s going on.
This baboon may be aggressive, violent, and currently foaming at the mouth, but it doesn’t seem to have cognitive or critical thinking skills. Any misconduct he would’ve seen on set would have just gone over his head. This primate is much more interested in chewing on the full torso skin of a domesticated cat.
Waffle Woman is the arch nemesis of Powdered Toast Man and hellbent on revenge. She’s too focused on thwarting bread-based superheroes to know what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon.
The Fire Chief is psychotic and often speaks in a rhythm that seems like he’s at his breaking point, just like many characters on this children’s show. Firefighters usually do the right thing, but you can never tell for sure when it comes to anyone in the “Ren and Stimpy” universe.