Ranked: Every MCU Hero’s Excuse for Not Preventing 9/11

Posted on by Dan Rice

The Avengers: Earth’s mightiest heroes, super-powered beings dedicated to using their extraordinary gifts to protect the Earth. And on September 11th, 2001, they were curiously absent.

With so many heroes in the MCU it is truly perplexing that not one of them attempted to prevent the events of that fatefull day or even lend a hand in the aftermath, especially considering the fact that they have access to time travel. We decided to go straight to the source and ask them all point blank “What the hell?” Here is every excuse they provided ranked from best to worst:

23. Thor

“I know not of this 9/11 you speak, but from today henceforth I solemnly vow that I shall know no rest until I have found it and made it taste the full might of my hammer! Can you describe the beast?”

22. Hulk

Hulk’s alter ego Bruce Banner provided an understandable reason for not stopping one of the greatest tragedies on American soil.

“Hulk is basically a giant walking 9/11. If I let the green guy stop those planes that day, he probably would have celebrated by destroying the Twin Towers himself, maybe some other buildings too. I’ve learned to keep that guy as far away from 9/11s as possible.”

21. The Marvels

“If they let the only all-girl team stop 9/11 the internet manosphere would fucking riot.”

20. Ant-Man and Wasp

“Best we could have done was make 9/11 smaller, or possibly bigger.”

19. Black Widow

“No matter how many form-fitting tactical outfits I did kicks in that day those planes just kept coming. Oh well, can’t win ’em all!”

18. Nick Fury

“I stop 9/11 every day! Sorry I took one day off in 2001!”

17. Valkyrie

“First I’m hearing of it.”

16. Hawkeye

“I’ve been petitioning Boeing for years to build an airplane that explodes when you hit it with an arrow, but do they listen?!”

15. Vision

“Don’t blame me! I voted for Gore.”

14. Spider-Man

“I’ve never seen 9/11, I think it came out before I was born? I heard it was great though.”

13. Shang-Chi

“I can’t really remember what I even do. I’m like a magic guy, right?”

12. America Chavez

“I stopped 9/11 in a bunch of other universes but honestly, after a few dozen, you get bored.”

11. Winter Soldier

“Because no one said ‘exhibition, tarnished, eleven, ladies night, microwave, forty-two, subway car, Dallas’ to me in that exact order.”

10. Moon Knight

“If 9/11 didn’t happen, they never would have made “Loose Change.” I love that movie!”

9. Black Panther

“Did you ask Queen Elizabeth II the same question? How about King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands? You see where I’m going with this.”

8. War Machine

“Seriously? My name is WAR MACHINE. Maybe if it was “Peace Machine” I would have done something, but probably not because “Peace Machine” sounds like a real bitch if you ask me!”

7. Scarlet Witch

“There’s actually no spell for stopping 9/11s. I got Pearl Harbor, January 6th, The Challenger explosion, but no 9/11. It’s weird!”

6. The Guardians of The Galaxy

“By the time we found the perfect song to stop 9/11 too, it was already too late. Chumbawamba, “Tubthumping.”

5. Captain America

“Well, the first time I lived through 9/11 I was frozen in a block of ice so, you know, absent excused. The second time let’s see, I was probably balls deep in my girlfriend Peggy Carter. We would have been in our early 70s by then but she was still a whole lot of woman, and me? Well, I’m Captain America.”

4. Falcon/Captain America

“I actually DID stop 9/11, but it didn’t test well so we went into reshoots. We just wrapped and even though that horrible tragedy still happened, I think the audience is going to be happy with the results. You didn’t hear this from me but… Red Hulk. Ha! I’ve said too much.”

3. Iron Man

“I was dealing with my own personal 9/11 at the time, by which I mean two female flutists from the London Philharmonic. One was a nine, and the other, let me tell you, she was an eleven. You get that I had sex with them, right?”

2. The Eternals

“The same reason we haven’t prevented any of the huge global catastrophes we’ve idly witnessed through the ages, we don’t GIVE A FUCK yo!”

1. Doctor Strange

“Using the Eye of Agamotto, I glimpsed into over 14 million possible futures, and the one where 9/11 happened was the only one where we got U.S ground forces into Iraq. I allowed 9/11 to happen for the greater good, and history will vindicate me along with the Bush administration.”

Heartbreaking: It Turns Out the Prisoner on the “Countdown to Extinction” Album Cover Is a Non-Violent Drug Offender

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s not exactly a secret that the justice system in our country is far from perfect. The institutions in place that motivate private prisons and the companies that supply them to continue incarcerating people (an inordinate portion of whom are minorities) are outright shameful and in desperate need of serious reform. This absolute mockery of the notion of the United States being known as “the land of the free” is only heightened with each passing year in which nothing is done. As if this point needed further emphasis, it turns out the prisoner on the cover of Megadeth’s 1992 album “Countdown to Extinction” is a non-violent drug offender.

Disgraceful.

Meet 88-year-old Rory Sullivan, currently housed in the Rhode Island Department of Corrections in Cranston, RI. In 1973, at the age of 37, Sullivan was pulled over in possession of a controlled substance with the intent to distribute, and ever since then he has been inexplicably held alone in a concrete cell on the top floor of a 14-story medieval fortress on his prison’s complex, despite a stellar behavioral record and the complete absence of prior offenses. In fact, he is so isolated that other prisoners held in the complex don’t even know he exists!

Wake up, America! Is this what we’re consigning ourselves to as we hold our hands to our hearts for the National Anthem?
To make this horrific injustice even more glaring, even the prison’s guards (who normally delight in treating the inmates with unspeakable levels of sadism) are confused as to why he’s left in solitary confinement and only fed a plateful of bones every day. Temperatures in the cell are known to dip below 50 degrees at night, and with nothing to cover himself but a single undergarment, Sullivan is often left shivering himself to sleep in a corner of his cell.
Who can put a stop to this inhumanity? Will you sit idly by, reading this article in relative comfort, while this poor man slowly wastes away atop his lonely tower of disservice? Shame on you!

If you were thinking “Why hasn’t the ACLU put the proverbial sledgehammer to this real-life ‘Cask of Amontillado?’” it’s not for lack of trying. Numerous lawsuits have been filed on Sullivan’s behalf over the past five decades, to no avail. Not only that but attempts to disable the automated vents that cause the pitiable wretch to levitate for two hours every day have also fallen short.

With all conventional means of ending this travesty having been exhausted, we find ourselves at an impasse. We can continue our silence (which is tantamount to complicity,) or we can raise our voices for the voiceless which, in this case, is the old man adorning the cover of Megadeth’s fifth-best album specifically. Certainly, “Sweating Bullets” was not a fair trade for the soul of America, but it may serve as a reminder for us to collectively gaze in the mirror and finally say “Hello me, meet the real me.”

Swing Revival Band Not Sure If They’re 30 or 90 Years Too Late

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Local swing revival band Big Zipper Flame Daddies weren’t quite sure if they were three or nine decades late with their musical style, confirmed sources who agreed they were behind schedule by all accounts.

“If you really think about it, swing is only ever a thing every 40 or 50 years and we need to be historically accurate if this venture is going to succeed,” said lead singer Jeffrey Tamelay of the 18-piece unit. “Remember in the ‘90s when there were just a bunch of swing groups that came out for no reason and half of them seemed like they just groomed underage girls, judging by their band name? Well, they were clearly 60 years late. But then again, we’re here trying to emulate the bands of the ‘90s who are emulating the swing groups of the ‘30s who were doing an offshoot of jazz. If we can’t figure out this riddle soon then our swing band will never make it at tonight’s show with nothing but shoegaze bands. Ugh, reviving old genres isn’t as easy as it looks.”

Fans of swing didn’t really think it mattered.

“I think they need to move past the fact that they’ll never be the Brian Setzer of the ‘90s nor the Brian Setzer of the ‘30s,” said local 95-year-old Bob Blankenship. “Besides, if you ask me, they’re actually a few centuries late. As a true swing fan, I only listen to the ones who were peers of Beethoven. Otherwise, it’s not real swing. In order for it to be legit swing music, it needs to be from the period when everyone was dying from the bubonic plague. That’s prime swing.”

Experts noted similar instances in music history.

“Unearthing older genres can be quite difficult if you can’t pinpoint the exact era you’re going for,” said music critic Blake Hildress. “It’s like in the 2000s when bands attempted to bring back ragtime music of the early 1900s. Sure, post-ragtime core never really materialized, but if you want to stand out from the crowd, you have to pick an old music style out of a hat and make that your whole thing.”

At press time, the band actually came to the conclusion that they were 20 years early as that was when the swing pendulum was estimated to come back to them.

I Immigrated to This Country Illegally To Have a Post-Birth Abortion and Eat Your Dog – Here’s Why I’m Voting for Trump

Posted on by Dan Rice

Last night America witnessed the first and possibly only debate between two presidential hopefuls. One of them, former president Trump, came down pretty hard on illegal immigrants who have abortions after birth and eat dogs. His opponent, and actually both moderators, immediately denied that such a demographic even exists. Well, I can assure you, there is at least one of us.

I am one of the child-killing dog eaters who entered the country illegally, and despite his harsh words against people like me, Trump has my vote. Is it because he makes me feel seen? Partially, but in order to fully understand my reasoning, you need to know a bit about my journey.

I came to this country seeking asylum, by which I of course mean a mental institution that would terminate the pregnancy I just gave birth to, then escape and eat your beloved family dog like the late great Michael Myers. Imagine my surprise when I got to America!

Just getting here was a nightmare, it took me a dozen attempts and I was coming from Canada for fucks sake! I made my way to what I was told was an illegal immigrant hotspot hoping someone could point me to the nearest baby disposal facility, hoping it would be right next to your beautiful white picket home, 2.5 children, and your well-fed and clearly delicious dog. Everyone I met however was just some loser looking for back-breaking labor so they could send money to their families. I began to wonder if this was even the right America.

Then there was the hospital, where I demanded my abortion and was simply asked “How long have you been pregnant?” Like, hey genius, I’m clearly holding a newborn, do they not teach math at med school? Then when they finally did take my baby they just gave it a bunch of food and medicine, the opposite of what I ordered! Couple that with the fact that I’ve yet to eat a single animal with a name-tag and I am one PISSED illegal immigrant!

So why am I voting for a man who essentially tricked me into thinking this was the land of the free and home of illegal baby-killing dog eaters? Because we can help each other out.

As Kamala Harris poignantly pointed out, Trump would rather run on a problem than fix it. By supporting him, it is my hope that he will provide avenues for me to murder my son and slow roast your labradoodle so he can point and say “See?”

Mr. Trump is a businessman after all, and he will recognize that this is a fantastic deal. He scratches my back (allowing me to murder my child and eat an animal you love like a member of your family) I scratch his (becoming a living avatar of his fear-mongering lies Twilight Zone/monkey’s paw ironic-twist style.) He’s already cozied up to Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un without losing one ounce of support from his “patriotic” base. Surely the MAGA crowd can forgive a bit of backroom dealing with one lowly baby-killing dog eater?

Mosquito Immediately Regrets Sucking Fat Mike’s Blood

Posted on by Trevor Graham

LOS ANGELES — A mosquito that landed on the arm of NOFX frontman Fat Mike and sucked his blood says it immediately regrets the decision, sources who appear to be punk in drublic confirmed.

“As soon as I stuck my stinger into that guy’s skin I just knew something was wrong. Besides the fact that it smelled like stale menthol cigarettes, it just made me feel weird and I started seeing colors and could taste the music he was playing,” said the mosquito while wrapped in a tiny blanket and sipping on coffee. “The worst part is I woke up several hours later to discover I had purchased tickets for something called ‘Punk Rock Bowling Fest’ in Las Vegas. Ticketmaster charged me $13.50 for a ‘convenience fee.’ And I thought I was the one who was an annoying blood sucker.”

Another mosquito who was also buzzing around the Fat Wreck Chords owner says he tried to warn his friend before it attached itself to him.

“I told him! I said ‘Don’t do it, dude. It’s not worth it.’ This guy looks like he’s more full of pharmaceuticals than a Fox News ad break,” said the second mosquito. “Also, not to shame anyone’s personal sexual history, but you don’t know where this guy has been. As a type of insect that lives off the blood of other animals, we need to be a little more careful and not just stick our stingers into anything with a pulse. As a species, we need to have higher standards than that.”

Entomogist Sharon Young says that mosquitos that frequently suck the blood of punk musicians can become addicted.

“It has become a real epidemic in the mosquito population. Mosquitos that continue to use musician blood can become addicted and even worse, it can lead to them making unlistenable music,” said Young. “Once they’ve had a taste of musician blood and had their microscopic-sized brains expanded from the substances, it can be hard for a mosquito to return to ‘normie’ blood. Next thing you know, they’re writing lo-fi hip hop beats to study to in their damp wetland homes.”

At press time the mosquito said he was looking for another fix and was said to have tracked down Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell.

Trump Deviates From Debate To Deliver Tangent About “The Late Great Darth Vader” And His “Wonderful Empire”

Posted on by B.S. Mitchell

PHILADELPHIA — Former President Trump deviated from his prepared talking points to pay tribute to Darth Vader and the countless jobs he created running his empire, confused viewers confirmed.

“Did you hear this? Did you hear the great Darth Vader died? He was a great man and a great father. He would do that thing with his hand and choke people, wouldn’t even have to touch them, wouldn’t it be cool to be able to do that? If Mike Pence was here I’d try that on him and see what happens,” said Trump after being asked about tariffs. “I’d love to have a guy like that running the military. Did you know we actually have lightsaber technology but we just aren’t using it? I know because I invented it. Scientists were shocked, they said they’ve never seen someone harness a laser like I did. That’s why when I’m elected again there will be way more lasers and countries will be like ‘Woah, we don’t want to mess with the USA, they have Trump lasers.’”

Vice President Harris was visibly confused by Trump’s praise of the Sith Warrior.

“I’m not really sure what to say here. We did lose James Earl Jones earlier this week, he was a great man and a humanitarian that did so much for his community, but I’m not sure that’s who Mr. Trump is talking about here,” said Harris. “I want to make this clear to my opponent and to everyone watching; Darth Vader is a fictional character. He’s never been real, if you have a family member who believes Vader is a real person then please get them help. They clearly have a tenuous grasp on reality.”

Debate moderator Linsey Davis admitted that she wasn’t sure how to react to Trump’s praise of Vader.

“I came in here ready to take on the candidates and challenge them whenever they bent the truth to benefit their message, but then Mr. Trump threw me a curveball by talking about how cool Darth Vader’s mask was,” said Linsey during a commercial break. “There was a solid three minutes where he was asking how Vader’s mask worked. He wouldn’t answer any questions about policy, the border, or Russian election interference until someone explained the mechanics. Thankfully there was some nerd there who was more than happy to fill us all in, but I feel like we somehow know less about each candidate now.”

At press time, Trump promised to give Elon Musk a cabinet position to oversee the construction of a Death Star produced here in the USA.

Top 30 Stunts From “Jackass” That Left Us With Crippling Medical Debt After Trying Them at Home

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Hi, I’m not Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to a list of 30 stunts from the “Jackass” franchise that left us with a staggering amount of medical debt. We’re not even sure if they looked cool while doing them because we forgot to film them. Nevertheless, we did at least sort of live to tell the tale. Take it from us. These are the stunts you should definitely not try at home unless you want a life full of financial pain.

30. Alligator Tightrope (Jackass: The Movie)

We didn’t have tightrope or alligators at our disposal so we jumped directly into the gator tank at the zoo, Harambe style. However, we were immediately tackled by several zookeepers and busted our shoulder. Would not recommend. Turns out, it didn’t even look cool.

29. BMX Joust (Season 1, Episode 6)

The environment seemed perfect. We stole a bunch of armor from the museum, fashioned jousting weaponry out of two-by-fours and aluminum foil, and stole our little brothers’ bicycles. Unfortunately, the first responders didn’t find any of this funny.

28. Golf Cart Antics (Jackass: The Movie)

Not only will you leave the ER with lifelong debilitating injuries, but you will also have to spend the night in jail for trespassing into a country club, not to mention stealing all the golf carts and defacing private property. We did not see any of this coming. Even after careful planning.

27. The Lie Detector (Jackass Forever)

Telling the ER you got mauled by a bear will instantly make them empathize. But the minute you tell them you smothered yourself in honey and salmon chunks and strapped yourself to a chair in the middle of grizzly country beforehand, it’s like you don’t even exist to the medical community. What gives?

26. The Beekini (Season 1, Episode 5)

To perform this stunt, all you need is a few hundred bees. So we found the closest nest, lathered our genitals in honey, and the stunt just did itself. Mind you, if you are allergic to bee stings, you will need medical attention almost immediately and will be forced to turn your entire paycheck over to a corporate hospital until further notice.

25. Golf Course Airhorn (Jackass: The Movie)

Who knew a golf course could be so hazardous? For this one, we would blow our airhorn right as an unsuspecting golfer was about to take their swing. This only seemed to anger people. One of them hit a golf ball directly at us while we were hiding in the bushes as retaliation. It hit us square in the head. There’s still a noticeable lump. We will never be the same.

24. The Cup Test (Season 2, Episode 1)

This one was more on us. Sure, we tried every element the Jackass crew did for this one, only we didn’t have enough money for an actual cup and jockstrap part. In hindsight, medical debt is actually way pricier than the 35 bucks we should’ve just scrounged together. In conclusion, having no cup failed every test.

23. The High Five (Jackass 3D)

This one involves a giant prop hand that wallops you unsuspectingly as you walk through a doorway. Seems tame enough. Only one of us was holding a collection of knives, razorblades, and generic sharp objects. Let’s just say the blood stains won’t come out of the carpet.

22. Butt X-Ray (Jackass: The Movie)

For this one, the Jackass boys stuffed a toy car up one of their asses to pull a harmless little prank on the local butt doctor. But we couldn’t just be derivative and do the exact same thing, so we stuffed about a dozen of them up there. The doctors had more questions than we had answers.

21. The Toro Totter (Jackass: Number Two)

This one involved two very specific elements: a children’s playground and a live bull. However, it’s not as easy as you would think to get your hands on a four-way teeter-totter. Though it’s shockingly quick to get a particularly muscular and angry cattle. We decided to go with swings instead of a totter. We got demolished almost instantly.

20. Invisible Man (Jackass 3D)

This one also involves a bull. Figured since our buddy already loaned us his bull for the day, might as well take full advantage. But now we are seeing that the more time you spend with a bull the more suffocating medical debt you will rack up. Stay far away from bulls as humanly possible.

19. Big Red Rocket (Jackass: Number Two)

Just like in the movie, the rocket we put together from scratch completely self-destructed as we tried to launch it into the lake while straddling it. That’s the last time we order a 12-foot rocket from the dark web. Their return policy is surprisingly strict.

18. Poo Cocktail Supreme (Jackass 3D)

Turns out, making everyone you know shit in a porta potty, strapping it to bungee cords, and launching it straight up in the air with you in it is a total nightmare. We passed out immediately and when we came to we were leaving the hospital with a bill that was equivalent to paying for six new Kia Souls.

17. Department Store Boxing (Jackass: The Movie)

Famous boxer and internet personality Jake Paul was kind enough to agree to beat the crap out of us in the middle of a Kohl’s. In fact, he said “yes” before we even finished our sentence. In the end, we somehow sustained six concussions with one punch from him. He’s clearly pummeled guys in the jeans section before.

16. The Anaconda Ball Pit (Jackass: Number Two)

The premise seemed simply enough. Take a 15-foot long anaconda and submerge in a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. Then go ahead and try to wrangle the thing with your best bud. Luckily, these types of snakes aren’t venomous, but somehow it still hurts like hell after a good 25 bites.

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Tim Walz Under Fire for Allegedly Inflating Bag Toss Score at Family BBQ in 1998

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Democratic Vice President hopeful Tim Walz found himself in the middle of a barrage of criticism after it was revealed he allegedly inflated his score during a game of bag toss at a family barbeque in 1998, his campaign managers confirmed.

“After weeks of trying to find something credibly scandalous that would actually stick, we had a lede from Governor Walz’s second cousin’s ex-husband that ‘Tampon Tim’ brazenly tacked on a few extra points to his bag toss score one boozy weekend at the cabin in the late ‘90s,” said conservative think tank member Ryan Donner. “Polls are indicating it’s shaking Midwesterners’ faith in Walz, and they know more than anyone that you don’t fuck around with the sanctity of bag toss for personal gain. Checkmate, liberals!”

Kamala Harris’ campaign acknowledged the events of the barbeque were true, though voters shouldn’t be concerned.

“When vetting Governor Walz, he acknowledged an incident on July 3rd, 1998 where after four Leinenkugels he added two points to his team during a game of bags so he could start grilling up the brats sooner,” said coordinator Trevor Skolman. “While some may view this as a significant lapse in moral character, rest assured it was just a one-time thing because his nephews were dogging him about being hungry and he was confident he’d win anyway. However, the governor will not be apologizing for calling it ‘bags’ instead of ‘cornhole.’”

Researchers from previous presidential campaigns highlighted the difficulty of finding election-ending dirt on popular candidates.

“Vetting a candidate is harder than it looks. When one side finds themselves up against a popular, clean-cut candidate, we’ll be scraping the bottom of the barrel to find anything worth a damn like an overdue parking ticket or picking their kid up from soccer practice 15 minutes late. It’s what we in the field call ‘inconsequential bullshit,’” said former strategist Harold Forks. “A campaign can only hope a bunch of small transgressions in the news cycle will sway voters. We all remember Walter Mondale’s photo op of him in the tank ended up costing him the election, and yet the news of Ronald Reagan drowning puppies with his bare hand didn’t make any headlines.”

As of press time, Walz’s family spoke out about the incident and said everyone at the party immediately forgave him after he donned a hilarious grill apron with an airbrushed bikini body on it.

If Planet Fitness Is a Judgement Free Zone Then Why Can’t I Pay My Fees in Copper Wire

Posted on by Drew Gigis

A few months back I got laid off from the steel mill after drunk driving an overhead crane, so money has been a little tight. I’ve slashed my budget down to just the bare essentials. The only extra expense I refuse to give up is the gym.

There is nothing I take more seriously than my personal health and when I fell on hard times, the only place that was sacred turned its back on me. Planet Fitness loves sitting on its high horse claiming to be a so-called “Judgement Free Zone” but I brought at least 20 pounds of clean, already stripped, copper wire to maintain my membership and the staff refused my, more than fair, haul of scrap.

I was getting by for a while taking various metals to the scrap yard for cash, but one little altercation where I put the cashier in a headlock for trying to lowball me on the price of iron and that option was taken from me. So I figured Planet Fitness would understand and accept the wire I ripped out of my neighbor’s garage.

Now this isn’t the first issue I’ve had with Planet Fitness. Last April I was asked to leave after bringing my pet snakes in to use the massage chair, they go nuts for it. But I just figured that was due to some sort of ridiculous sanitary rule. However this time the fatcats funning this smug organization showed their true colors when they threatened to call the police on me for simply trying to sculpt my delts, and maybe for smashing the card scanner with a well-timed headbutt.

I shouldn’t be surprised Planet Fitness turned out to be yet another disappointment in the tragedy that is life. It’s my fault for trying to remain at least a little optimistic. I actually believed I would be free from judgment for once in my life and they broke a trust that can never be repaired.

I thought my life was over without the gym. However I always find a way to overcome adversity, and this time is no different. I realized how much these facilities were actually holding me back. Now, the whole world is my gym. From marathon pull-up sessions on monkey bars at the local playground to deadlifting as many frozen turkeys as the grocery store has. I now have the ability to show everyone how strong I am. Also how fast I am as the police are called pretty regularly, but a body like this doesn’t happen without some hurdles to overcome.

Les Claypool Sends Follow-up Email to Metallica Regarding 1986 Bass Audition

Posted on by Steve Packosky

EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Prolific bassist and Primus frontman Les Claypool sent a follow-up email to metal band Metallica regarding his 1986 audition for them, confirmed sources who needed answers.

“I just wanted to reach out and thank the band for the opportunity to audition for the position of bass guitarist,” said Claypool. “Our meeting was very informative, and I believe that I would be an excellent addition because they said they were looking for ‘rockstars’ so I clearly fit that bill. I have years of experience in both touring and recording as well as writing lyrics about fishermen, tweakers, and mud. I’ve even composed music that was used in both ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater’ and the theme song for the show ‘South Park.’ I very much appreciate their consideration for this opening, and hope they don’t hesitate to reach out if they have questions. References are also available upon request.”

Primus guitarist Larry LaLonde was not happy to hear about the activity of his longtime bandmate.

“It’s actually pretty irritating to find out the guy I’ve been playing with for the past 35 years has been using us as leverage to gain himself a more lucrative position,” LaLonde complained while adjusting the effects on his Keeley Bubble Tron effects pedal. “This band has been my full-time job since I was in my 20s, and you don’t see me using it as a stopgap like he apparently is. If I would’ve known this back in 1989, I would’ve foregone joining it entirely and just gone back to my old band Possessed. At least they never had song titles like ‘Mary the Ice Cube’ and ‘Hamburger Train.’”

Metallica singer and rhythm guitarist James Hetfield was both confused and concerned for Claypool.

“I don’t understand what Les thinks we’ve been up to this past 38 years,” Hetfield wondered. “I mean, we’re currently on our second bassist since he auditioned shortly after Cliff Burton passed. Since then, we’ve become the most recognizable metal band in the world and won 10 Grammys. In retrospect, we probably should have reached out to let him know he didn’t get the job, but I’ve always assumed ghosting him was more professional”

At press time, Claypool was frantically trying to recall the email he sent so he could remove Dave Mustaine from the distribution list, having suddenly remembered he had been kicked out of the band in 1983.