Every Millencolin Album Ranked

Posted on May 3, 2023 by James Knapp

Millencolin: proof that coming from a country with the highest quality of life in the world doesn’t mean shit when you’re a pissed-off teenage skatepunk who just wants to make music. Now, we’re sorting out 30 years’ worth of Swedish pop-punk and building our definitive ranking of every Millencolin album.

9. Tiny Tunes (1994)

Well, this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. “Tiny Tunes” (or “Same Old Tunes” as it was retitled after Tiny Tunes Adventures sued the absolute shit out of these guys) is a pretty standard first album for a band that hasn’t really figured their sound out yet. Really, the most interesting part of this whole record is the fact that Chiquita threatened to sue Millencolin as well over it. Yes, the banana company – now, that’s fucking stupid.

Play on repeat: “Chiquita Chaser”
Skip it: “Dance Craze”

8. Machine 15 (2008)

“Machine 15” isn’t a bad album, it’s just a bad Millencolin album. It makes sense that a band just coming out of its golden era (more on that later) would want to break the mold and try something new – but, yeah, this ain’t it. Don’t worry, they’ll figure it out eventually.

Play on repeat: “Vicious Circle”
Skip it: “Come On”

7. SOS (2019)

I actually don’t have much to say about this one. It’s fine. Go listen to it – or don’t, I don’t give a shit. Moving on.

Play on repeat: “Sour Days”
Skip it: “Let It Be”

6. For Monkeys (1997)

“For Monkeys” is a transitional album to be sure. The band is clearly trying to break out from that third-wave ska influence that is heavy in the first two records, but they just can’t seem to stop themselves from occasionally breaking into janky upstrokes. There’s nothing wrong with this record – it just needed a little more time to marinate.

Play on repeat: “Twenty Two”
Skip it: “Monkey Boogie”

5. True Brew (2015)

So now we’re getting into the part of every ranking where I always end up having to acknowledge that the only reason a really good record is as low as it is is because the band has written a lot of other really good records and that that doesn’t take anything away from the album that is lower than it might seem it deserves but it’s simply how ranking things and just numbers in general work. Anyways, “True Brew” is that album for Millencolin. I look forward to reading the many comments you braindead jags are gonna leave me about how I “did the album dirty” by placing it here. Go for it, morons.

Play on repeat: “Chameleon”
Skip it: “Something I Would Die For”

4. Life on a Plate (1995)

You see that dead bird on the album cover? His name was Daryl. Yeah, that’s right, he has a name. Well, he had a name. Also, Daryl had a family. A wife bird and three baby birds who will never see his dead ass ever again. Ever. Not such a cute, fun pop-punk record now is it, huh?

Play on repeat: “Jellygoose”
Skip it: “Vulcan Ears”

3. Kingwood (2005)

I’ll be honest, I dismissed this album for a long time as a kid. Not for any reason other than being a fifteen-year-old shithead and thinking that “Kingwood,” with it’s goofy fucking cover art and the admittedly still dorky, but fun, music video they made for “Ray,” was just not a cool record. So if anything “Kingwood” should be a lesson to us all to listen back on records that you ignored during your “too cool for school” era, because I can guarantee you were actually “too cool” for nothing.

Play on repeat: “Shut You Out”
Skip it: “My Name Is Golden”

2. Pennybridge Pioneers (2000)

Guess what I just learned! “Pennybridge” is the rough English translation of Orebro, the band’s hometown in Sweden. That’s right – I had no idea that was the truth until like ten minutes ago. And now I’m wondering what in the hell I thought it meant for so many years or if I ever even put much thought into it at all. Did I actually think the band meant they were blazing a trail over an unexplored bridge made entirely of American pennies? Sure, why not – it’s a fun image.

Play on repeat: “No Cigar”
Skip it: “The Mayfly”

1. Home From Home (2002)

This album slaps from front to back. Also, are the kids still saying “slaps” to mean “is of a high quality and enjoyable” these days? Whatever, maybe this isn’t the right time to ask.
The point is that this is really a perfect record. It was when it came out and now we can even get a bit of nostalgia out of it for the old Punk-O-Rama compilation era. So if we’re not saying “slaps” anymore then what is the next thing? If “slaps” is “mid” now then maybe use it to disparage everyone in the comments who disagrees with my ranking. That should really slap!

Play on repeat: “Happiness For Dogs”
Skip it: Also “Happiness For Dogs,” but only after you have listened to it like forty times in a row already – because forty-one and onward is gonna start making you really fucking sad about stuff.

Party’s Craziness Solidified by Presence of Barnyard Animal

Posted on May 3, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

PONTIAC, Mich. — Several local college seniors impressed guests by enhancing their party’s epicness with the presence of a barnyard animal in their house, thoroughly wowed sources confirmed amidst hooting and hollering.

“Every party strives to achieve farm animal is suddenly there hanging out amidst the revelry’ tier, but only the select few ever truly make it. The act of having a billy goat, flock of chickens, or even just a standard dairy cow milling around drunken chaos can really enhance the ambience for the better, and let’s face it: we had it last night in droves,” said host Kris “Fruitfly” Yates. “That moment everybody turned around and noticed a ram gnawing on the ottoman like it was a bale of hay? That’s when I knew nobody would care that I watered down the keg.”

Local farmers report a less enthusiastic takeaway to the practice.

“Those damn college kids are always pilfering my livestock for their shindigs and what-have-ya, and I’m here to say–it ends now. Granted, they always make sure to bring ‘em back, but always drunk or spray-painted, or sometimes even in sunglasses,” said Farmer Curtis Myrtle, the proprietor of Myrtle Acres. “Those preppy no-counts think having animals at your party makes it better? Let me tell you, every party I’ve ever thrown has had at least a baker’s dozen varmints roaming through it, and nobody ever tikkity-toks or instygams about how legendary they are, which seems downright discriminatory to me.”

Party planner Hetta Breen-Duffage gets to the root of the phenomenon’s popularity.

“Well, it’s simple, really. Ground zero for ‘animal randomly at a party’ is definitely the one Robin Williams throws for his son that gets him divorced from his wife in Mrs. Doubtfire. Folks putting a soiree together will recall how crazy that party was, so crazy that it causes Sally Field to end their relationship, and say ‘that’s what I want for my graduation!’ or whatever the occasion may be,” said Breen-Duffage. “Now, this party last night thrown by Fruitfly and his buddies; that one may have even surpassed Doubtfire levels. My sources say Field herself would have severed ties with every last one of those guys, especially if that House of Pain song were blaring at the time.”

At press time, Farmer Myrtle had plans for a “slacker frat guy to suddenly appear” at a birthday party he’s arranging for his prize sheep to test if it works the other way, too.

Awkward: This Boy Accidentally Said ‘I Love You’ to His Dad Instead of His Teacher

Posted on May 3, 2023 by Dom Turek

There’s no coming back from this one. Jeremy Macon just said ‘I love you’ to his dad instead of his intended target, seventh-grade English teacher, Dianne King. He might as well have kissed his father on the lips and asked for a bedtime story.

He tried to explain that the words of affection were intended for Ms. King, the kind beautiful woman who always encouraged his talents, rather than the strange angry man who often drank visibly expired milk from the carton, but Jeremy’s family had already decided he was a total pussy.

This is worse than the time he mistakenly went in for a hug when his dad said “Put her there” after changing a tire together.

If he doesn’t do some damage control, and fast, this “I love my dad” legacy could follow him well into adulthood. If only he could revert to simpler times when he was known to his family for wetting the bed and not knowing how to pronounce the word February.

Contrary to his public reaction, accidentally telling your dad you love him is a normal part of growing up no different from acne or first crushes. Just because you’re the first man in four generations to confront your father with an emotion he was taught to bury at all costs, doesn’t mean you should beat yourself up.

Real men know there’s only one way for a father and son to express love, and that’s to become competitive over money, fitness, or women, but that type of wisdom comes with age. You can’t know what you don’t know.

Oh shit, now his family is singing “Jeremy and Dad sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” He can never show his face around here again. He might even need to transfer families. This is probably how Jeremy’s dad felt that time he accidentally said “I’m proud of you” to one of his kids instead of his employees.

Punks React: The Writers Guild of America Go On Strike

Posted on May 2, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

The Writers Guild of America’s Board of Directors voted unanimously to call for a strike effective immediately, which will bring television production to a halt. We took to the streets to ask punks what they thought about the situation.

Blaine Schafer, Barista

“I’m in solidarity with the writers. I will not read a single television show until this whole thing is resolved.”

Gracie Truman, Music Blogger

“Great. Just when I finally got around to watching ‘The Wire.’ I guess I’ll never know how it ends now.”

Tim Lyle, Warehouse Supervisor

“I hope the writers get what they deserve. I know how hard it is to write for television because I run an Instagram meme account.”

Jake Snell, Grocery Store Clerk

“Unbelievable. I guess I’ll have to watch old episodes of ‘Crank Yankers’ and ‘Win Ben Stein’s Money ‘to get my Jimmy Kimmel fix.”

Deb Studer, UPS Driver

“I support the writers unless I have to do anything personally.”

Gen Z Drummer Leaves Stage Mid Set Because “Vibe Was Off”

Posted on May 2, 2023 by Rose Eden

CINCINNATI, Ohio — Four songs into a set by local band Sewer Grates, drummer Ryan Richards walked off stage stating that the “vibes were off,” perplexed older sources confirm.

“Playing the drums, I never get a say in anything as it is,” said 23 year old Richards. “I’m just glad to get to play gigs, period, but they honestly get pretty repetitive for me, especially because all my bandmates are getting kinda up there in age. And then someone in the crowd yelled ‘play something good,’ which seems super toxic to me. So I had just had it and dipped. I don’t owe negative people my time, I gotta protect my energy.”

Other members of the Sewer Grates lament that Ryan belongs to a generation of musicians who cannot tolerate any form of negativity.

“Nowadays it’s hard just finding a drummer at all,” said singer-bass player Steve “The Snake” Wojekowski. “I knew something was up when he started burning sage in the rehearsal space to clear out the bad energy from the guy he replaced, but I’m a Gen Xer just assumed it was skunk weed at first. I never thought he’d walk off the stage like that though. We’ve had guys both pass out on us and get into fights on stage and get kicked out of the venue mid set but no, nothing like this. What the hell is a ‘vibe’ anyways?”

A promoter of the venue concurred that of all the excuses he’s heard for bad behavior over the years, this one still managed to take him by surprise.

“I had to laugh when I saw it go down,” said Luis Herrera. “I mean, I’ve seen some of these guys throw gnarly fits, like trashing the dressing room when the vegan options weren’t good enough and refusing to take the stage because the lighting was unflattering. But I’ve never seen anyone bail mid-set because of ‘bad energy.’ I bet you anything he went straight to his car and made a TikTok about it or something too.”

At press time, Ryan was seen applying for “remote drummer” positions.

10 Current Hardcore Bands That Will Force You to Stop Saying “Hardcore Hasn’t Been Good Since 2003”

Posted on May 2, 2023 by Zach Hudson

Being that hardcore is arguably the most argued-over genre, making this list seemed like a massive waste of time. We decided to make it anyway because we’re tired of seeing the same recycled Twitter discourse on pit etiquette and what is or isn’t straight edge, but also because this is an extremely exciting time for hardcore, with dozens of new bands bursting onto the scene. Here is our list of the 10 best current hardcore bands. Have fun fighting with strangers on the internet over it.

Speed

Whether you’ve been following Speed since their 2019 demo, or you learned about them from their viral video at Sound And Fury Fest that scared a bunch of conservatives, you know that Speed is one of the most exciting new bands on the scene. They also have an air horn in one of their songs, which sounds cheap and gimmicky but is actually extremely cool.

Scowl

With the aesthetic of a middle school girl’s locker, you may not know that Scowl is a hardcore band at first glance; but between riffs made for knuckle-dragging and vocalist Kat Moss’ commanding stage presence, Scowl has even the toughest tough guys rocking flower-covered merch. You may be thinking to yourself “ But is Scowl still going to be a hardcore band a few years from now? Their most recent EP-” We don’t care. Shut up and stage dive.

Spy

While hardcore shows should always be a safe space, they should also kinda make you fear for your life a little bit. Spy has a sort of feral energy to them that will have even the 6 ‘4 dude in a Terror tank standing in the back with his hands out in front of him. There are a lot of bands from the Bay Area that you should be paying attention to, and if Spy isn’t one of them, start now.

Pain Of Truth

Being a “real” New York Hardcore band takes more than just being from the Empire State. You have to reference New York often, have enough friends to record gang vocals, and you have to get the guy in the pit-stained Agnostic Front shirt to respect you. Pain Of Truth ticks all those boxes and more. Pull your bandana over your eyes and dive into NO BLAME…JUST FACTS, because there’s nothing stronger than the pain of truth.

End It

When you hear the name “Baltimore,” you probably think of “The Wire,” or maybe The Orioles if you’re into baseball for whatever weird reason. What you should be thinking of is hardcore because, in their own words, Baltimore’s coming back with a bang; and End It are leading that comeback. Their single “21” also gets the official-unofficial Hard Times Anti-Cop Song of the Year Award for 2022.

Drain

We are willing to bet that you haven’t been to many shows where boogie boards are not only expected, they are encouraged. Well, surf’s up, because Drain is bringing a wave of California hardcore to even the most landlocked cities; and when they hit yours, trust us, you need to go. You’ll have fun, but no one has more fun at their shows than them. Don’t even bother trying to match frontman Sammy Ciaramitaro’s energy though, you can’t. The man is basically a can of Red Bull in shorts and tube socks.

Turnstile

You may be mad that Turnstile is on this list. You may not consider them a “real” hardcore band anymore. We don’t want to hear it. You’re still going to argue about it in the comments. The fact of the matter is, Turnstile rules, and their newfound stardom has only led to a new generation of hardcore kids discovering and supporting other bands. This is a good thing, regardless of what the crusty, chronically-online gatekeepers say.

Incendiary

We put Incendiary on this list because they’re without a doubt one of the best hardcore bands in the game right now, but also with the hope that they’ll see this so they get our message that we would appreciate it very much if they would, like, go on tour for a change.

Gel

While originally self-proclaimed, Gel has absolutely earned the title “hardcore for the freaks,” so if you’re not down with them, then you’re probably not very cool or fun to be around. With their distinguishable sound and relentless touring schedule, Gel is the most exciting thing to come out of New Jersey in, well, a really long time. They also one-upped Live Without by playing at a Sonic, which is an objectively better establishment than Denny’s.

Mindforce

Catchy sing-alongs, incredible mosh-ability, and riffs even your dad would like, Mindforce has it all. Masterfully blending the best elements of hardcore and thrash, Mindforce is a force to be reckoned with. If you get a chance to catch these guys live, make sure to wear your best track suit, and when vocalist Jay Peta inevitably tells the crowd he wants to see more kickboxing, you’d better oblige.

Every Deftones Album Ranked

Posted on May 2, 2023 by Robert John Scucci

We really wanted to challenge ourselves, so we’re going to rank every Deftones album from worst to best. Though this is no easy feat considering how remarkably consistent the band has been throughout their entire career. If you’re really willing to get down to a granular level with us, or if you’re just really, really horny, then we can take this journey together, and prove to haters once and for all that Deftones are more than just a brand of weed that’s sold in the SOCAL Market.

9. Saturday Night Wrist (2006)

Some die-hard Deftones fans may disagree with this one, but in terms of consistency, “Saturday Night Wrist” leaves a lot to be desired. The entire experience from front to back is similar to combining a diet of nuts and cheese with equal parts Miralax. There are stunning moments of clarity in the form of bangers, but beware… there will be times when you find yourself biting down on a piece of slate while waiting for certain movements to pass.

Play it again: “Beware” for its powerful falsetto moaning that soars acrobatically through your headphones in a stunning call and response.
Skip it: “Pink Cellphone,” because none of us want to go to the Hot Carling Academy for a whiff of butt-fucking residue.

8. Adrenaline (1995)

Though a solid album in its own right, “Adrenaline” is more of a proof of concept than anything else. It’s moody. It’s heavy. It’s even atmospheric at times! And if dressing like the Crow before a night of unrelenting bondage sex is your style, then you’ll be pleased to know that the b-side from this album, “Teething,” was featured prominently on the “City of Angels” soundtrack.

Play it again: “Bored,” because come on, this is the song that introduced many of us to Deftones, and it’s simply a classic.
Skip it: “Nosebleed,” we get it, you do lots of cocaine.

7. Gore (2016)

“Gore” is an album that requires patience, but has great payoffs. To date, it’s Deftones’ most ambitious and experimental album. But in terms of replay value, there is a place and time for “Gore.” And that place and time is your couch after about 500mg of edibles. Though its inherent weirdness should not be considered a turnoff by any stretch of the imagination, you really have to be in the mood for this one, which is why it ranks lower than other efforts.

Play it again: “Hearts/Wires,” because TEXTURE!
Skip it: “Gore,” the chorus just reminds us of a terrifying game of hide-and-seek.

6. Ohms (2020)

“Ohms” is the follow-up to “Gore,” and Deftones’ most recent album at the time of this article. Chino’s vocals are in top form, Sergio’s bass rips through your speakers like a buzzsaw, Abe Cunningham relentlessly beats the absolute fuck out of his drums, Frank Delgado’s instinct for texture is intimidating, and Stefan Carpenter reaches his final form because he’s using a 19 string guitar or something at this point. In a way, “Ohms” is the perfect follow-up to “Around the Fur” if you forget about the other six albums in between.

Play it again: “Error,” drum assault at the end.
Skip it: “…This Link is Dead,” borderline rap-metal, and we thought they were past this.

5. Koi No Yokan (2012)

Translating to “feeling of love,” “Koi No Yokan” boasts a crisp, yet lush production that assaults your ears. But for all the abrasive and meteoric highs that this album has, it’s got ballads too. If you ever find yourself slow dancing to this album, you’re definitely gonna get fingered, so make sure you loosen the snap buckle belt on your cargo shorts.

Play it again: “Graphic Nature,” tremendous amounts of hi-hat fuckery.
Skip it: “What Happened to You?”, “Goon Squad” would have been a better closer.

4. Diamond Eyes (2010)

This album rules because it’s a return to form after “Saturday Night Wrist.” This album also sucks because it’s the first album without Chi Cheng on bass. Sergio Vega from Quicksand, however, took on the role of bottom-feeder seamlessly, and this is definitely an album that makes a good soundtrack for eating ass.

Play it again: “Royal,” Chino stubs his toe at the end and lets out the best scream of his career.
Skip it: “CMND/CTRL,” All this computer hacking is making us thirsty.

3. Around the Fur (1997)

We love this album for its songwriting, production, sense of dynamics, and flow. We hate it because when we open the CD booklet that we haven’t organized since 2003, it sits between “Three Dollar Bill,” Y’all, and Crazytown’s “The Gift of Game.” There are tits on the cover too.

Play it again: “Lhabia,” sounds like heavy Morrissey, but you’re not afraid to listen to it in public.
Skip it: “Headup,” solid tune, but feels like a B-side

2. White Pony (2000)

Many think this album should be number one on the list, but they had to use “Back to School (Mini Maggit)” as the opening track on the US release. They shouldn’t have done that. That’s like starting off a nine-course, Michelin-rated meal with gas station egg salad. We strongly recommend starting the album with “Feiticeira,” because that’s the way God intended, and “Pink Maggit” is a superior version of “Back to School (Mini Maggit),” as well as an epic closer.

Play it again: “Digital Bath,” we’ve all had that “drown-your-lover-in-a-bathtub” fantasy at one point or another.
Skip it: “Back to School (Mini Maggit),” because.

1. Deftones (2003)

The self-titled follow-up to “White Pony” is the perfect Deftones album. It won’t bring her back, but if you crank it to maximum volume, they won’t hear you crying. It’s brutal, it’s hella sensitive, the drums sound like a cannon and beat you in the chest, and Chino took a long time to recover after blowing his voice out shrieking on this one. In other words, “White Pony” was a stunning proof of concept of what Deftones are capable of, but it was also the necessary stepping stone to lead us to this self-titled banger that is in many ways a superior album.

Play it again: “Bloody Cape,” the mothership of riffs.
Skip it: “Lucky You,” feels like an interlude; kind of neat, but the album’s fine without it.

Opener Claims They Loosened Pit After Headlining Band Opens It

Posted on May 2, 2023 by Richard Circuit

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Opening hardcore band Musher claimed they loosened the pit during their set on Tuesday evening before headliner Harumph opened it, sources reported.

“It was really tight out there at the start of our act. We definitely got things moving by the end there,” said Musher’s lead singer Jilly Farnsworth. “I know the pit didn’t technically open until Harumph started playing ‘Blood Is Money,’ but that couldn’t have happened without us giving the audience a few twists and turns of our own. Before our set started, the crowd mostly had their hands in their pockets, but by the end, several showgoers took them out and gently started tapping their feet to the beat. We almost got the pit fully open when we put all their energy into screaming ‘open up the motherfucking piiiiiiiiiit.’ Clearly, we desere some credit here.”

Harumph, however, alleged the crowd didn’t even budge until their set started.

“I don’t think those fools even tried to get the crowd twisting. If they did, it didn’t show in the slightest. It took all our strength to get it open out there,” said drummer Peter Yles. “The Musher set might have actually made them tighter now that I think about it. They kept screaming specific instructions about how exactly to ‘go fucking crazy.’ The singer even provided a five-minute long step-by-step demonstration on how to do a wall of death. That seemed to mostly confuse and scare them. ”

Experts weren’t quite sure who was in the right.

“Lone actors were reportedly pushing other crowd members at the time, but that was said to have started far prior to even Musher’s set,” said music historian and scene expert Fred Schism. “Big empty circles in the crowd were mostly traced back to potent farts and dry-heaving punks in the general admission section. But whether the ‘total motherfucking rage’ is actually attributable to Musher’s music or if it is merely a result of steady Hoppy Daze consumption is harder to prove. Results are inconclusive.”

At press time, Musher claimed that the headliners wouldn’t have been able to crowd surf if they hadn’t started the wave.

I Don’t Want To Brag, but I’m the Reason You Can’t Bring a Falcon to Disneyland Anymore

Posted on May 2, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

Listen, I know we all have things that we’ve accomplished in our lives and I would never deliberately try to talk down to anyone, even people who don’t have the physical and mental fortitude to master the mighty art of falconry. I’m just saying, I really don’t want to brag or make a big thing about it, but remember how you used to be able to just stroll into Disneyland with a noble hooded falcon on your arm and spend the entire day on the Teacup ride, no matter how many kids were waiting for their turn?

That’s right, I’m the guy that made the Walt Disney Company take notice and put a stop to that. When even guys who let dozens of Goofys sweat to death in those suits think you’re over the line, you know you’ve made a mark on this world.

You probably don’t realize it, because you don’t look like you’d know the difference between a kestrel and a common buzzard if one came and picked you up as a small child and threw you into the river at Critter Country. But yeah, I’m that bitch.

Do you think theme parks just happen to have rules against trained birds of prey? Even if they are wearing fine leather hoods that keep them a sign of dignified, gentlemanly hunting? Hell no, something has to happen first, and that something was me and my boy Windkill.

You would be surprised how many people in the line for Dole Whip assume that the kind of training that empowers a falcon to soar through the air and grasp prey in its deadly talons also enable it to do the same with a delicious cup of icy blended pineapple and non-dairy ice cream.

Yeah, that shit doesn’t happen just by itself. It takes someone with some guts, some gumption and a Believe Magic Key season pass to Disneyland, with a group of bloodthirsty, Dole Whip-addicted falcons in his home. That someone is me.

And if you don’t get out of my goddamn way and let me and my birds into Six Flags Magic Mountain, everyone here is going to have some problems. Especially my falcons.

“Super Convenient Laundry In Building” Located In Soul-Chilling Murder Dungeon

Posted on May 1, 2023 by James Webster

KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local woman Kelly Atkins is frustrated with her current apartment, as the listing promised her access to laundry in the basement of the building without mentioning the fact it is a harrowing pit of terror and despair, confirmed sources terrified to go down there.

“It didn’t bother me much at first,” said Atkins. “Like sure, there’s only one bare lightbulb fighting off the encroaching darkness, but you kind-of have to expect that a little bit in an older building like this. I really started to freak out when I heard my mom tell me to separate my lights and darks before I wash them, because one, that’s a myth, and two, my mom died when I was 10. I guess the worst part, other than the feeling that you’re being watched by a serial killer, is the fact that you have to pay for the machines with an app, and of course you don’t get cell phone service down there.”

David DeLano, the landlord for the building, thinks that his tenants’ concerns are overblown.

“Don’t get cell phone service down there? Goddamn spoiled kids and their phones,” DeLano said. “So what that nobody could reach you and you couldn’t call for help if something went wrong down there? And yeah, nobody could hear your cries for help because of how far down the stairs go, but grow up. Back in my day, people didn’t baby each other like they do now. They’re lucky I give ‘em a light bulb at all. I manage a lot of properties in this town, and everyone thinks they need more light, or a bug-free kitchen, or a basement laundry unit that someone didn’t die a brutal and hellish death in years ago. Brats.”

Spencer Abernathy, a local maintenance man, confirmed that he sees basements like Atkins’ all the time.

“Landlords are always gonna upsell something,” Abernathy said. “Like, if you see a listing that says the place has ‘a communal space,’ it means you’re sharing it with rats. If it says you have ‘private access to a huge yard’ it means you’ve got a door that goes to a patch of dirt and tetanus nails. I own my house, but I’d still tell you that it has ‘lots of natural light and fresh air,’ which just means that I keep my windows open because the previous owner had 15 cats and if I close the windows your eyes will water. It’s all about the sell.”

At press time, Atkins realized that the weird, leaking trash bag in the corner of laundry room was definitely fucking moving, and got out of there ASAP.

Photo by Julia Heron.