AUSTIN, Texas — Hardcore band Mindforce appeared on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast after they were mistaken for a brain-boosting supplement, according to confused, kettlebell-curling sources.
“We were psyched to be getting that kind of exposure,” said Mindforce singer Jay Petagine. “But once the interview started, it was pretty clear a mistake had been made. He started asking us about whether our product was organic and if it could help with focus for bow hunting. We said we’re a band, not a vitamin company. He looked confused, and then launched into some boilerplate Rogan schtick about gut biomes, then the conversation transitioned to him asking us if we think a chimp could fuck up an orca or if they’d be friends. Eventually, he and I bonded over kickboxing and that pretty much saved the episode.”
Joe Rogan himself claims that the booking was intentional, and that he’s a big fan of hardcore music.
“I love that shit, you kidding me?” said Rogan while doing a cold plunge inside a sauna. “Hell yeah, I want to have more hardcore bands on the show. I used to be into all those heavy groups like Godsmack, Disturbed and Papa Roach. Roaches, man… have you ever really thought about cockroaches? They’re the craziest motherfuckers in the world. It’s wild that you’ve got these little armored creatures that can survive a nuclear war running around people’s kitchens at night, trying to find crumbs while they wait for their chance to take over. I saw this video where some scientists put a little circuit board on a cockroach and controlled it like a robot. Jamie, pull that up.”
Seasoned talent booking agent Lester Stetson says that blunders like this are bound to happen once in a while, but can be avoided.
“Research!” said the chain-smoking, polyester-clad Stetson. “You’ve always got to do your research. A little due diligence can easily prevent this sort of fiasco. This reminds me of the time Dick Cavett had the band The Stooges on, thinking they were the Three Stooges. All of Dick’s prepared questions were in regard to pie fights and their vaudeville days. Even more embarrassing was when Regis and Kathie Lee booked some knucklehead named GG Allin instead of Steve Allen. They were scrubbing excrement out of the set for weeks!”
At press time, it was reported that Judd Apatow accidentally invited Joe Rogan to his birthday party when he’d intended to invite longtime friend Seth Rogen.
We’ve said it before, but self-titled LP threes are often a boardroom calculated move when a band wants to return to form, and while this thrice of an effort without deadbolts is better than most pop punk records 2011 and beyond, but the unfortunate reality of rankings is something has to be in last place. We love ALL The Story So Far albums, but for some reason, this one had far less personality than its two predecessors, and certainly less than its perfect follow-up. “Still,” the world was clamoring for more TSSF records, and showcased such by buying/streaming the LP to a strong twenty-three on the Billboard 200 in its opening week. Also, how stoned was the band when they threw out the concept for this album cover?
While this debut full-length is endearing, catchy, and a hell of a solid start for any band, it just isn’t as good as you remember that it is, and to directly quote uber-non-controversial Vince McMahon’s theme song, “There is no chance, NO CHANCE IN HELL that ‘Under Soil and Dirt’ is the best TSSF LP in their esteemed catalog. Honestly it isn’t even a medalist here but it IS likely your gateway drug to this fantastic band unless. And again, we really aren’t sure what is going on with the album cover here. Is this like their thing?
There are no “skip it” tracks moving forward. The Story So Far’s sophomore full-length LP was far from a slump, and like most solid second albums, it is a version of their debut on steroids that doesn’t give you bacne, make your balls small, and give you a giant face. Production value amplified? Check. Catchier songs with better musicianship? Check. Heavier? Check. The band’s collective net worth before even forming? Checks, IRAs, 401Ks, AND trust funds. Anywho, at just under thirty minutes, “What You Don’t See” is the band’s shortest LP, and that says a lot, as ALL of their LPs are pretty concise as well. Want to sweat remotely? Watch the band’s video for one of their biggest songs “Empty Space” and, uh, feel full; yeah. So, enjoy this bronze medalist musical recording and face value but without the “s” like The Suicide Machines’ song.
The band may love that this most recent effort is ranked in the sterling silver medal position here, but you miscreants will still @ us and bitch in the comments/mentions because the music you listened to in 7th grade is always better than the music 7th graders get to listen to now. Whatever, man, we want YOU to disappear anyway. Speaking of the word “whatever,” whatever a valiant return to form is defined as in Merriam-Webster dictionaries. This effort also is the band’s longest gap between full-lengths AND their first without former bassist Kelen Capener, who has both a funny Twitter, and left the band two years ago. Produced by Jon Markson, who also sat behind the boards for Koyo and Parker Cannon’s side project No Pressure, this one truly shows that Markson made his mark, son. (
The gold medal winning full-length studio album “Proper Dose” was and always will be a series of four “uns”: Unexpected, unconventional, unrivaled, and unreal. Some bands “mature,” or at least attempt to do so, and their songs end up sounding like its antonym “immature,” or just “crappy,” but TSSF’s fourth album is far from a farce in musical form, and that’s NOT all we have to say about that. Please find us another Warped Tour band that combined the best parts of the mid-90s with some 00s flair, and a modern Ric Flair for the gold. We mean, you always find the words to say to keep us right here waiting, and take us as you please. We predict that the band will keep this up on album six, and will provide their listeners with a proper dose of quality.
Dark ambient is inherently stoner-friendly music, and Boomhauer is not only a Texas Ranger, he’s a lot less chill than you would think. As far as he’s concerned, having a dark ambient YouTube channel is probable cause for a search warrant. Governor Abbott publicly supports him on this stance.
Believe it or not, Hank actually does have a YouTube channel, boasting 50-something subscribers, and he does play music on it. However, Hank is firmly on record saying that good music consists of “two-minute stories about falling in love or burning down Georgia,” which is about as far from dark ambient as you can get. Since most of his love songs are about propane, not Peggy, he does his best to keep the channel on the down low.
Despite his stint with the Propaniacs, Joe Jack just isn’t all that interested in performing, and any time his Spotify algorithm tries to play something chill and ambient, he just says “This music is makin’ me feel kinda sad, honey.”
Chane definitely has a YouTube channel, but it’s mostly pick-up artist tips that would make Andrew Tate cringe. He’ll pivot to music at some point, but if you think it’s going to be anything other than over-produced bro-country, you’re deluding yourself. And we do mean over-produced. His dad is the richest guy in Arlen, and will spare no expense for Chane to turn himself into a Laotian version of Jason Aldean.
Arlen’s least scrupulous businessman (and man, that is some stiff competition) might consider dabbling in SUPER-dark ambient synth if only to help his own father give up on life so he can finally get his hands on Pratley Cadillac. The old man just keeps holding on, and Pratley Ford/Hyundai ain’t cutting it these days. But Lane’s more of a Travis Tritt guy, and the idea of buying a synthesizer makes him question his masculinity, so no.
John Redcorn has three interests: Native land rights, middle-aged married women with fake migraines, and late-’80s butt rock. He sometimes tells his massage clients that the chill Native-instrument-inflected music he plays during sessions is actually his own work, but it’s not, and no one believes him anyway.
He gave it a shot, but producing dark ambient requires the patience to hear the same droning sound for hours on end, and every time he made a mistake he’d shout “Stupid keyboard, you’re not the boss, I’m the boss!” into a hot mic. He doesn’t understand multitracking software well enough to know he could just mute that part, so he gave up and tried to sell his keyboard for scrap.
Is it the Andrews Sisters? No? Then go fuck yourself.
Again, making dark ambient takes patience, and while Debbie has that going for her—she was willing to lie in wait for Buck and Liz Strickland in a dumpster, of all things—she also managed to accidentally shoot herself with her own weapon because she wouldn’t put down her gas station nachos for a second while climbing into said dumpster, character traits that suggest more of an inclination toward Pantera fandom.
The man has more depth than you might imagine. It’s not all eating, humping, DUIs, and making Hank run the propane shop. When he’s at his lowest, he’s been known to break out his vintage Moog and make some of the most haunting sounds you’ve ever heard, but he’s also been banned from YouTube for reasons that are too gross to get into, so he’s really got no way of getting his music heard. A poker buddy suggested he try Bandcamp and he just rolled his eyes and re-raised on the flop.
He has a keyboard, and his patent lawyer father can certainly afford to get him an effects processor or two, but he learned the hard way that playing “Hot Cross Buns” and “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with a moderate amount of reverb is not going to win over dark ambient fans. And once he learned about the whole stoner-adjacent thing, he almost had a panic attack.
After a long day of apathetic bullying and occasionally getting spanked by Peggy Hill, Dooley has been known to dabble in dark ambient home recordings, but whenever potential subscribers check out his comment history, they run for the hills. He really needs to create a second account for his music, but that’s way too much effort.
Joseph suspects that playing any kind of music at all might get him closer to touching a boob, and he has access to Dale’s keyboard rig, but there’s something about droning chords with shit-tons of delay that makes him so horny he’s never been able to get more than 90 seconds into a recording without running upstairs to grab the binoculars and try to get a glimpse of Luanne.
She has hours worth of material archived that she made to score her, ahem, sessions with John Redcorn, but a clause in her contract as the local weather lady forbids her from having any other media presence, even a homemade YouTube channel that doesn’t even feature her likeness. At least once a day, she considers saying “to hell with it” and breaking her contract, but someone’s got to pay the bills, and it’s sure not gonna be Dale.
When he and Yolanda went through a rough patch, Enrique found solace in reverb-drenched soundscapes, and even started building a YouTube channel called Enrique’s Ethereal Emotions, but as soon as Yolanda took him back, he abandoned it entirely. The single track that he uploaded currently has 11 views and 2 likes.