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Pitchfork Awards Perfect 10 to Hallmark Whale Noises CD Because They Thought it Was Sigur Rós

NEW YORK — Pitchfork surprised readers when it awarded a rare perfect 10 score to “Humpback!,” a $28 ambient whale noise CD produced by Hallmark, after mistaking it for a new release by Sigur Rós, multiple sources confirmed.

“Today is a day of huge validation for us at Hallmark,” swooned long-time company spokesman Wolfgang Morrow in between personally sniff-testing a new line of scented candles. “For years we’ve focused on being seen as legitimate, first with our films like ‘Dean Cain’s Super Step-Dad Christmas,’ and now expanding into our music. We were thrilled to get Pitchfork’s attention with ‘Humpback!’ as a capstone to our projects dealing with wolves, wooden flutes, whale noises, rain, flutes and wolves, wolves and whales, rainy wolves, fluted whales, and Brian Eno.”

Despite the mix-up, Jónsi from Sigur Rós seemed flattered about the mistake.

“Many people, when they listen to the Sigur Rós, they think we try to be many thing. Some say that we sound like Böjrk on the nitrous. Other say, the Sigur Rós, we sound like very small Victorian baby ghost trapped in clock. Still other they go, the Sigur Rós sounds like a very hungry fox walking on the piano,” said the Icelandic musician. “And I say no. We always feel like we were in the shadow of the big whale. Very noble and musical beast. We love that. I spent many year dressing and living as whale in the bathtub to learn how to be the Sigur Rós. So our hearts soar to hear about the review.”

Reports initially stated that Pitchfork was embarrassed by the mistake, but they currently seem confident in their position.

“A small clerical error doesn’t change the merit of this project,” sniped Justine Neumann, who wrote the review in question. “It has the wide-eyed sonic introspection regarding the melancholy of a childhood bereft of unmet expectations. These whales coo a vulnerability rarely seen outside of what I would imagine would be the oeuvre of a postmodern Neko Case if she had fins and the burden of motherhood. It is everything and yet not nothing, but maybe less. Past all our characteristic word salad, though, we’re hoping to get bought up by Hallmark so we can be free of our GQ prison, so this might work out in our favor.”

As of press time, Hallmark will be releasing more additions to their whale canon, such as “A Whale’s Tribute to Daniel Johnston,” “Tony Bennett: Aquatic Duets,” and providing the soundtrack to the next Lars von Trier movie.