Every Baroness Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

If you’re remotely interested in multi-genre metal, or you went to the Savannah College of Art and Design, chances are you know of Baroness. Their multiple lineup changes, nearly-fatal bus crash on tour, and intricate album covers, painted by frontman John Dyer Baizley, often precede their actual music, which is a damn shame, because we’ll say it out loud right now: there is not a single truly bad album in their discography. However, there’s also no real consensus on what sucks and what doesn’t amongst fans. Ask for a ranking on Reddit and you’ll get as many permutations as we can imagine without asking a math nerd to get us an exact number.

Here’s where we stand.

6. Gold & Grey

We like weird shit as much as the next guy who used to be into hardcore but has somehow lived past the age of 40. But “Gold & Grey” leans a little too hard into the experimental aspect for our taste, and even the kookiest of arrangements can’t hide the fact that the production is awful. Rarely does a layman like ourselves notice stuff like “compression,” but the audio quality of “Gold & Grey” is so crispy that it completely neuters the sprawling compositions Baroness is trying to utilize. This sounds like it’s blowing out the speakers of a 2005 Honda Accord but you’re listening on $500 Bose headphones. Oh well.

Play it again: “Seasons”
Skip it: All of it if you’re an audio engineer

5. Purple

This is the entry that will get our home address leaked on the Baroness subreddit. “Purple” wins a lot of popularity contests, and while that is by no means undeserved, there are simply other albums that accomplish a similar sonic goal as this album, but better. We don’t deny that “Shock Me” is an all-time banger, though. That’s your go-to soundtrack for running a crane through your ex’s front door.

Play it again: “Shock Me,” “Fugue”
Skip it: “The Iron Bell”

 

 

4. STONE

The band’s most recent release “STONE” is often considered their “return to form” after the mild mess of “Gold & Grey.” That’s an accurate assessment. “STONE” brings back a kinder, heavier Baroness, complete with some truly top-notch fucking shredding from guitarist Gina Gleason, who also provides backing vocals that somehow match Baizley’s intensity. We genuinely don’t know how she’s doing both of those at the same time when they play live.

Play it again: “Last Word,” “Anodyne,” “Beneath the Rose”
Skip it: “Bloom”

3. Red Album

Our ranking of “Red Album” just above the halfway mark will likely anger early fans who think they’ve never outdone this album, but also anger newer fans who prefer their more highly-polished works. However, “Red Album” is everything you both want and expect from a metal debut. It’s raw, angry, occasionally super moody, and, importantly, fucking loud. But the only reason this isn’t higher is that somewhat predictably, the record loses steam in the middle third. That’s a rookie mistake we can overlook in exchange for skullcrushers like “Isak.”

Play it again: “Rays On Pinion,” “Isak,” “O’Appalachia”
Skip it: “Aleph”

2. Yellow & Green

Utterly massive double album “Yellow & Green” represents Baroness at their most introspective and emotional. This is the gold medal winning work for soul-crushing lyricism, though–Baizley made us cry with nautical metaphors for drug addiction on “March to the Sea,” and more directly on that topic on “Take My Bones Way” (their most-streamed track on Spotify). Put many of these songs on your “Sad Bangers” playlist.

Play it again: “Take My Bones Away,” “March to the Sea,” “Green Theme”
Skip it: The last few tracks of “Green,” if you absolutely must.

1. Blue Record

Baroness’ second album is, pun intended, the blueprint for the rest of their career. Everything they’ve done since has been deviations from the core sound of “Blue Record.” Acoustic interludes between utter ragers? Check. Dual harmonizing guitar leads and shitloads of tom drums? Check. Baizley putting his entire ass into the most emotive and powerful vocals you’ll find this side of the Mason-Dixon line? Check. “Blue” is “Red” that upgraded from a studio apartment to a respectable two-bed, before slowly moving to the suburbs by “Purple.” Pay your respects to the classics with tracks like “A Horse Called Golgotha, “Jake Leg,” and “Swollen and Halo” in particular.

Play it again: Tracks 1-12
Skip it: We dare you.

Unprepared Eulogist Opens with Webster’s Dictionary Definition of Death

Posted on by Laura Lewis

RICHMOND, Va.— Local man Brent Gould shocked and confused all those in attendance at the funeral of his recently deceased friend when he opened his eulogy by reading the dictionary definition of death, multiple sobbing sources confirmed.

“That was a disaster. When I finished nobody clapped or anything, and everyone has been trying to avoid being seen with me. Even my wife and parents,” said the offending speaker, 28-year-old Brent Gould. “And I realize now that I should not have used the same approach I used for my best man’s speech at my brother’s wedding to give my best friend’s eulogy. It didn’t work with death the way it worked with love.I get that now. To be fair, knowing that death is defined as, ‘the action or fact of dying or being killed’ did give me some closure, personally.””

Opinions of friends and family members regarding the incident ranged from incredulous to indifferent.

“Out of all of Charlie’s friends, Brent would not have been my first choice to give the remarks,” admits Marilyn Fountain, mother of the deceased. “But it was my son’s dying wish. Maybe it was the head trauma from the car accident that caused him to make such a foolish request, or maybe it was just to piss us all off one more time. I’ll never know. The worst part to me wasn’t even the dictionary, it was the fact he stopped at least five times to vape, and then spilled water into the coffin.”

A spokesperson from the funeral home says eulogists are often disappointing and offers an upgraded package for anyone interested.

“We at A Farm Upstate Funeral Co pride ourselves on our comprehensive service packages. Among these are eulogy writing and editing by professional writers who are well versed in the art of the farewell,” said funeral home director Madeline Wabash. “I’ve confirmed with our team that these services were made available, but were not utilized by the client. I think that was abundantly clear given he sounded like a freshman in college trying to cram a final paper.”

At press time, Gould insisted that he would take no further questions, stating, “if you’ll excuse me, I need to go edit my toast for my sister’s cesarean section next week.”

Opinion: How About We “Open up This Fucking Pit” to New Learning Experiences?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Boy, we sure are having a great time at this deathcore concert, aren’t we? These drop A tunings and inhaled death growls are really pumping me up, and I’m seriously considering heeding this ear-gauged singer’s urgings to take part in the mosh pit. I just ask that, while we all work to “open up this fucking pit,” so too will we promise to open our minds to new learning experiences. I’d say it’s about time we explore our options!

We can start right now, while we’re waiting for the breakdown to hit for the wall of death. Why don’t we brainstorm ways that we can use this experience to enrich ourselves going forward? For one, we can consider this the first step in building a lifetime exercise routine that will leave us focused, alert and more receptive to the benefits provided by future mental stimulation opportunities. Just be careful you don’t trip over the empty sixteen-ounce Miller Lite cans littering the ground during this newfound journey to self-actualization. Let’s keep this up!

Now we’re back to a conventional circle pit, but let’s not lose sight of the overarching goal here. Why don’t we make a promise to avail ourselves of educational services offered in our respective communities? Sure, hitting the pit and busting some fucking skulls is a fun way to pass the time now, but the skills we’d gain from taking a class on wild mushroom foraging would last us a lifetime. Or how about basic woodworking? Building even a rudimentary knowledge of the tenets of such a valuable trade can yield immeasurable rewards. Let’s make a mental note to research community college or public library course offerings at the first chance we get!

OK, the vocalist just kindly reminded us to “fucking kill each other” as the trem-picked riff over double bass kicked in, so we can let loose a bit and have a little fun. Afterward, though, I propose looking into organizing a little group to take a day trip to the Museum of Natural History. That guy in the Whitechapel shirt and flat-brimmed hat who’s vomiting into the trash can next to the chemical toilets seems like he would be absolutely fascinated by the various entomologic and mineralogic specimens of the Mesozoic era. We should ask him to join us once he’s sobered up!

As you can see, the prospects for mental growth stemming from these calls to beat the absolute shit out of one another are legion. With a little creativity, we might be able to transform the inevitable CTE from this type of behavior into a marginally less debilitating form of CTE. So what are we waiting for?

Second-Wave Gentrification Threatens To Price Out All of City’s Historic Microbreweries

Posted on by James Knapp

SETSONVILLE, Md. — A recent influx of white people who are somehow even more wealthy and entitled than the last bunch caused area microbreweries to fear that they may soon be unable to afford their rents, sources wearing perfectly tailored flannel confirmed.

“It’s appalling how the little guy is always getting priced out. I’ve been a part of this neighborhood ever since the second half of the Obama administration, and I’ll be damned if I have to leave now,” proclaimed Gerry Hawksworth, owner of Twisted Taint Brewing Co. “I started this microbrewery with nothing more than my own two wealthy investors. What of them now? Even for those moneybags this new rent is exorbitant. The community really needs to rally around us as a cultural institution or else residents will be living in a trivia night desert.”

Gentrifier Mal Whiteman defended his right to live anywhere he damn well pleases.

“I don’t see why these pesky poors are so up in arms. Frankly, I’m providing a service by raising the value of every property in this neighborhood beyond a reasonable threshold,” explained Whiteman. “There’s too many so-called microbreweries around here anyway. Wouldn’t it be so much nicer if we replaced some or all of them with hard kombucha distilleries instead? Doesn’t matter, because I’m doing it anyway. And you can bet those little bottles will be $15 a pop.”

Despite growing concerns from the community about the forthcoming gentrification, political officials expressed opinions ranging from apathy to having their eyes turn into big cartoon dollar signs.

“I don’t give half a dog dammit if this city has historic microbreweries or unhistoric AA meeting centers as long as they pay whatever property tax we decide to throw at them this year,” said Mayor Klement Johnson, reading from a prepared statement earlier today. “Back when that first wave of rich goons decided to move in here because they thought these buildings had ‘good bones’ or whatever, I thought we couldn’t fly much higher than this. But if this new crop is gonna outprice the guys who think paying $14 for a weak IPA is a good deal, well, all I can say is ‘cha-ching!’”

At press time, microbreweries from the area united to fight housing inflation while also refusing their employees the right to unionize.

Weird Al Songs Ranked by How Likely They’ll Become Trump’s Campaign Anthem

Posted on by Dan Rice

The Trump campaign has been in a downward spiral ever since the media caught wind of the fact that he and everyone around him are “weird.” So far, he’s adamantly denied this, which is frankly the wrong move given how clearly fucking weird he is. We never thought we would be giving advice to Donald Trump, but seriously guy, your best move is to just embrace it.

What better way for Trump to pivot his campaign into a weird-forward direction than to source his campaign song from the king of weird himself, Weird Al Yankovic?! It just makes sense. Every time Trump tries to use a popular song in his campaign he immediately gets called out by the artist and told to stop, but since Weird Al already steals his music to begin with, he won’t really have grounds to protest. Entrenching yourself with people on shaky legal footing so that they can’t call you out on your crimes is straight out of the Trump playbook, we’re surprised he hasn’t thought of it already.

Here are the top 30 Weird Al hits ranked by how likely they will become the anthem that carries the Trump campaign all the way to humiliating defeat this November (listen along to the playlist, click here):

30. Polkamania!

Really this spot is a placeholder for all of the Weird Al polka mixes; “Polka Power!,” “Polka Your Eyes Out,” “Angry White Boy Polka,” the list goes on. Probably not the way to go since they all directly quote artists who will condemn him if pushed, but there’s something about mashing a bunch of hit songs together to make “the greatest, hugest, best song” that feels very Trump-logic.

29. Inactive

Trump loves calling opponents names like “lazy” so it’s not unimaginable that he would adapt this song as a dis track against Kamala Harris. And then people will say “But the song says YOU’RE inactive” and he’ll say fire back with “No, use your brain, I have the best brain,” and like, you can see it, right?

28. Smells Like Nirvana

Probably the wrong move. Even through the lens of Weird Al, Trump doesn’t have the mental capacity to appreciate even the most mass-appeal offering of anything you would call alternative music. It’s been confirmed that VP nominee Tim Walz is the first major party candidate to know who Hüsker Dü is, so he should avoid going down that road.

27. Tacky

This could work if Trump goes full-force into the ironic self-depreciation. “Right now the Democrats are saying it’s ‘weird’ that I wanna make America great again. Well, what can I say? I’m weird. I’m ‘cringe.’ I’m tacky.” Cue song, he does a disgusting little old white man dance, everyone throws up in their mouth a little bit, it’ll be great!

26. The Night Santa Went Crazy

Let’s not rule out using one of Mr. Yankovic’s original compositions! What does a melodic account of a Santa murder spree have to do with politics? Absolutely nothing, and therein lies its strength. We’re going full-boar weird on this one, all logic out the window. Windmills cause cancer, bleach cures Covid, Santa murders people, vote for me!

25. Lasagna

It’s as catchy as “La Bomba” with the added bonus of featuring one of America’s greatest comfort foods, lasagna! Unfortunately, such food is a little too “ethnic” for Trump, so he’ll probably pass.

24. Ebay

All the catchy earworm power of an early ‘00s boy band hit coupled with a nod to his ever-popular “He’s gonna run the country like a business” narrative.

23. Like a Surgeon

Because he’s going to cut resources from government programs millions of people depend on “like a surgeon.”

22. I Love Rocky Road

Why should Trump use this for his campaign song? “Because the godless liberals are working tirelessly to make marshmallow chocolate ice cream illegal!” It’s not remotely true, but it has every bit of credibility as all of the other shit he says, so why not?

21. Foil

This one is for the hardcore Qanon believers. Those people are no strangers to tinfoil, and they’ll appreciate the shout-out to their hats.

20. My Bologna

In all his scramble to find a childish gibberish insult for Kamala that will actually stick Trump is bound to land on “Kamala Bologna” at some point in the coming weeks. He’s still hung up on “Kamabala” at the moment, but he’ll get there. With this song backing it up, it just might have some staying power. It’s his exact brand of nonsense, and we think it has potential not seen since “covfefe.”

19. Fat

To him, this is the height of comedy. Trump has never shied away from calling opponents derogatory names as childish as “old” and “fat,” and he’s never let objectively being both of those things get in his way. The confusion of the lyric being “I’m fat” and not “My opponent is fat” only plays further into Trump’s trademark chaos.

18. Couch Potato

Listen closely to the lyrics on this one, it’s basically a protest song for the type of people who want a reality TV star to be president.

17. Deja Vu (But Worse)

This is the closest Weird Al has ever gotten to a political protest song, and while Biden dropping from the race already puts it out of date, it actually features Trump soundbites. He would probably listen to it and think “Who the hell is this guy, he’s so damned smart!”

16. It’s All About the Pentiums

It’s still confounding to us that this senile geriatric became the go-to candidate for tech bros and Musk sycophants, but if you got it flaunt it?

Pages: 1 2

Every Dag Nasty Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Trevor Graham

The hardcore scene that emerged out of DC in the ‘80s was not exactly what you would call fun. Fugazi, Minor Threat, Rites of Spring et al. all have that we-take-ourselves-too-seriously vibe. Out of that un-fun scene though came Dag Nasty formed by Minor Threat guitarist Brian Baker who arguably invented a new more lighthearted genre of hardcore. The band burned through a revolving door of singers with very distinct and possibly controversial takes on vocals (we’ll get to that later). Also to make things confusing there are currently two active versions of the band that play different eras of their catalog.

Well, what can we say? We wigged out on some Coke and Doritos and had a field day listening to all their albums and came up with the definitive ranking of them all.

6. Minority of One (2002)

You’d think one of the most beloved DC hardcore bands reuniting with fan-favorite frontman and putting out the first album in ten years would’ve been a huge deal but this mostly went under everyone’s radar. Why? It could be because musically it is a slightly bland retread of their earlier stuff but most likely it’s because Dave Smalley came out with his “Gonzo Conservative Punk” ideology during the height of the Bush-is-a-literal-war-criminal era and alienated their audience. Dag Nasty fans don’t really want to hear about politics and they definitely don’t want to hear how supply-side economics is “actually really punk when you think about it.”

Play it again: “Ghosts”
Skip it: “Your Words”

5. Dag With Shawn (2010)

This is basically “Can I Say” originally recorded in 1985 with their first singer Shawn Brown and shelved for decades. I’m probably going to lose punk points for ranking it so low but I have a perfectly valid response: Come onnnn. This is a fine album and if you like “Can I Say” you’ll like this but it’s just not the same with Shawn’s vocals. He would go on to front Swiz which was a much better fit for him.

Play it again: “Circles” Still a solid song even if it is not the version most prefer
Skip it: Honestly, just go listen to Swiz instead

4. Field Day (1988)

Remember on “The Simpsons” when Milhouse’s dad got divorced and recorded a demo song “Can I Borrow A Feeling”? There are moments on “Field Day” that sound a lot like that. This might honestly be the weirdest fucking album you will ever listen to. It’s like every genre being played all at once. That said, there are some really outstanding moments, and the instrumentation at times is super catchy even if the vocals sound like they were recorded by someone who didn’t want to wake their parents in the next room.

Play it again: “All Ages Show”
Skip it: “La Penita” Kirk Van Houten, is that you?

3. Four On The Floor (1992)

Their first reunion album after the initial break up with Dave Smalley returning on vocals and Brian Baker taking a break from his questionable decision to form his cringey bar rock band Junkyard. Seems like the band as a whole got out of their system whatever the fuck it was they were attempting to do on “Field Day” and returned with a mostly great album. Arguably their most fun album with a number of songs that seem like they were custom-made for early ‘90s snowboard videos.

Play it again: “Million Days”, “Still Waiting”
Skip it: “Roger”

2. Wig Out at Denko’s (1987)

The title track is the anthem for the straight edge kids who have to deal with drunk friends at parties and “The Godfather” sounds like the soundtrack to an ‘80s movie training montage for those same kids except instead of training for the big race where they beat the blonde rich kid bully or whatever they are just trying to get past the stage in “Mario Brothers” with all the cannons. Yes, drugs are bad but a steady diet of Coke and Doritos isn’t the clean-living flex you think it is.

Play it again: Pretty much the whole thing
Skip it: Coke (both kinds)

1. Can I Say (1986)

You could have a healthy debate about what the greatest melodic hardcore album of all time is. There are a lot you could mention but it would probably come down to Gorilla Biscuits “Start Today” and “Can I Say.” Travis Barker has “Can I Say” tattooed on his chest and not “Start Today” so I’m not sure if that helps the cause or not for this album but Dave Smalley’s earnestness and the sing-alongability not to mention Smalley’s “I walked by you on the street the other day” monologue put this in the hardcore hall of fame for sure.

Play it again: Yes
Skip it: No

Punk and Jock Unaware They’re Bonding Over Hating Completely Different Eagles

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

FERNDALE, Mich. — Two former strangers seated together on a Megabus ride found common ground through despising the Eagles despite one referring to the band and the other the football team, astonished sources confirmed.

“I try not to judge anyone too harshly on first looks, but I’ll be honest, with his crewcut and brand new ‘Fuck the Phillies’ shirt, I thought I wasn’t gonna like this guy. But, it turns out he despises the Eagles just as much as I do!” said punk rock lifer Gunther Bergins. “Sure, he seems a bit confused when I talk about how overplayed they are on the radio, but he was on board. He was much more enthusiastic when I started talking about the Saints. Again, I didn’t figure him for a fan of Australian punk, but it just goes to show you! I gotta get this guy to make me a mix!”

Bergins’ seatmate Harlan Klein was just as dubious of his unlikely companion at first glance.

“I thought the freaks come out at night, not 9:45 in the morning, if you get what I’m saying. But, my mouth was shut as soon as he started popping off on those damn Birds. I’m a Saints man, understand?” said Klein, as he showed off his Drew Brees tattoo just out of sight of Bergins. “I just feel comfortable talking to the guy, what can I say? Plus, he likes basketball too, I guess, what with how enthusiastic he was about seeing the Sonics back in the ‘90s. Although, I’m not sure where he gets off saying ‘their sound started back in the ‘60s.’ Don’t all basketballs pretty much sound the same? Ah, whatever, maybe he’s had a few beers, and hopefully he’s sharin’, am I right?”

Overhearing their entire conversation, the driver of the Las Vegas bound bus was the only person who knew the true story.

“These two dummies have been talking about totally different subjects the entire ride, and I’m apparently the only one who realizes it. I’ve almost taken a wrong turn a half dozen times just because I’m so flabbergasted that they haven’t figured it out by now,” said bus operator Fannie Pritchard. “I wish I could place a bet on how this shakes out. Will their friendship make it to Vegas? Only time will tell. I’m hoping for the best, but in my experience, punks and sports fans don’t mix. But, then again, maybe they can bond over their love of violence after they’re exposed. Either way, I’m just hoping I don’t have to pull over and ditch them on the side of the highway.”

At press time, the budding friendship was still inadvertently going strong after the two got on the subject of Modern Baseball.

I Know I Never Listen To You Or Care About Your Life, But That’s The Price You Pay For Befriending An Artist!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

So, I’m telling the other servers I work with about this chick I nailed after my set last night, when they suddenly confront me about my self-involvement! Can you believe they had the balls to talk back to me? Me! A singer in a band! Like, sorry I never listen or ask about whatever lame shit you do. That’s just the price you pay for hanging out with an artist who does cool shit like open for Barnaby and the Riders on a Tuesday night at Dino’s Bar and Grill!

Since it seems like my stories will now be met with responses, I needed to find a medium where no other perspective could be voiced but mine… This article. So to you, my non-artist civilian friends who’ve seen me do my thang on stage and somehow think you deserve a similar word count, why can’t you just sit back and enjoy the show that is my life? After being in the weeds for an entire dinner shift, don’t you just wanna crack a beer and hear all about my vocal range and the few positions I had that chick in last night?!

I just want to help put a little spice in their boring lives. So they can then brag to their friends that they have an insanely cool friend who met Wes Borland in 2006. I guess it’s my way of giving back to the little people. Man, I should honestly have my own reality show.

It’s like they can somehow see that instead of actually listening, I’m wracking my brain for a cool story after hearing a decent keyword. Like yesterday, my buddy who works in marketing or accounting or some business-y shit said he was at a rocky stage in his life. So I burst in with a sick story about how I banged my drummer’s girlfriend when he was in the hospital.

I thought I had this seamless ability to steer every conversation towards my creative process, so this is actually pretty scary. Like, if my work friends could somehow crack my code, can everyone else?! It looks like I’ll have to be a little more subtle. Gross!

Oh my god, I think I’m starting to understand. It’s like they’re the main character in the story of their lives, and to them, what they do is just as interesting as what I do. Can you even believe the ego on these clowns? That is a serious lack of self awareness right there. So to them, and any other civilian reader, maybe turn some of this newfound awareness inwards and realize that if you wanna kick it with rock stars, you’re gonna have to pay the price of silence. Don’t worry, we definitely have a cooler story than you locking down the Johnson account or whatever it is you do.

Guy Secretly Living in Walls of Practice Space Accidentally Shouts Song Request

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

EASTHAMPTON, Mass. — A longtime inhabitant of the drywall space behind the practice area of indie garage band Oyster Boys audibly requested a song at the risk of revealing himself, sources confirmed while looking around as if to say “who said that?”

“Cover blown, folks. I repeat, cover blown! It was my own fault for getting to know their setlist too well, man. Not to brag, but I’ve been successfully camping out rent-free in the space between walls of where these dudes rehearse. I definitely risked the sweet set-up I got going by shouting out ‘The Codeine Creep,’” said squatter Gerard Roswell, at a hushed whisper. “But, c’mon, it’s my favorite song of theirs! I didn’t want them to skip it! But now I’m shaking in my boots that they’re going to call a building inspector on me just when I’ve gotten the hang of sleeping standing up with my left arm resting on a girder. Goodbye life of luxury, I guess!”

Band members report an agreed upon suspicion that the space has been haunted for years.

“I never wanted to believe the spooky rumors until now. I like to think I have a pretty airtight lock on reality, and don’t go in for any of that X-Files shit, but we all heard it clear as day. Even over the amp feedback,” said rhythm guitarist Mick “Puff” Daragon, as his eyes darted around the room at every creak or rustle. “Needless to say, we heeded the voice’s order and played ‘Creep’ the best we’d ever played it, even with, or perhaps because of, the shivers in our spine. Oh, and then we heeded his other order too. The one to bring it some protein-rich food and ‘fresh piss bottle’ the next time we got together.”

Federal paranormal investigators were called in, but reported a less-than-otherworldly phenomenon.

“Oh, these kids have a hider in their walls. Likely a fellow male twenty-something who doesn’t want to be a part of regular quote-unquote ‘society’ and is figuring life out while sleeping in the crawlspace of this building. Who are we to blow up his spot? Hell, we admire the guy,” said Special Agent Carol Clemons, FBI. “We’re gonna follow government protocol which states ‘blame it on poltergeists’ and we’ll just encourage the band to turn their amps up louder and ignore everything else. See, the government helps sometimes. We told you so!”

At press time, another, totally different hider living in the crawlspace under the first hider was afraid to comment on the developing story, lest he be found out.

Olympian Excited to Return Home With Gold Medal and Pawn It For Rent Money

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BALTIMORE, Md. — 23-year-old Olympic champion Erica Webb’s triumphant return home was filled with fanfare and excitement as she can’t wait to pawn her newly-won gold medal to cover her overdue rent, according to sources close to the athlete.

“I’ve worked my whole life for this moment and have been paid about $1400 net for those decades of dedication to the sport of badminton,” Webb said while waiting at Nicholson Gold & Paw for her symbol of talent and hard work to be weighed and appraised. “And now, I finally get to use it for something truly practical, rent money. With bills piling up, this symbol of the apex of human athleticism is the perfect solution to my financial woes. It’s not every day you get a chance to make a real impact with your achievements.”

Brad Thorson, Henderson’s landlord, expressed understanding, albeit with a touch of irony.

“I mean, I think I have been pretty lenient all things considered. I let slide on some rent by stealing her TV as collateral,” Thorson said, waiting outside the pawn shop to collect his money. “It’s not everyday you can say you have an Olympic gold medalist living in your building. Actually–now that we do have an Olympic gold medal winner in the building, I can raise the rent. Everybody wins!”

Dr. Helen Reed, a sports psychologist, pointed out that Henderson’s decision reflects broader issues within the sports industry.

“For some athletes, the excitement of winning a gold medal is accompanied by the security of financial stability in the form of sponsors and endorsement deals,” Dr. Reed explained. “But the athletes in the, shall we say, less popular events, especially female athletes, often find themselves grappling with everyday financial struggles. Wheaties doesn’t necessarily sponsor archers and kayakers, and, unfortunately for Ms. Webb, badminton players.”

As of press time, Webb stated she hopes to take on a third part-time job to cover the crushing debt from having to pay her own way to Paris.