‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ Pros Demand Rock Nerfed

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

MIAMI — Controversy has recently erupted in the Rock, Paper, Scissors pro circuit as a subset of players are now insisting on changes to the tournament ruleset which would significantly nerf Rock.

“While other moves have a startup animation, Rock is able to do damage right from the first frame,” explained JoeShamb0, one of the first proponents of the Rock nerf and the third-ranked Scissors player in the United States. “So, if a player throws down Rock while they’re still in the neutral, then notices their opponent is going Paper, they can pull off a Scissors Cancel — switching to Scissors — if their input is quick enough. Players continue to abuse this tactic, ruining the honest play RoPaSc is built on.”

JoeShamb0’s suggested change would replace Rock’s fist stance with a thumbs up to increase the number of startup frames. However, the proposed debuffing is not met with open arms among the community of players.

“I don’t think we need to change anything,” said fan-favorite Rock main AndShoot, who was quick to correct reporters accidentally calling him just “Shoot.” “The other pros are just mad because I main Rock and I win pretty much every third RoPaSc tournament.”

If approved, this would not be the first time the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors have been significantly modified for tournaments. The precedent was set when DLC fighters including Dynamite and Gun were banned under the ruling that they can be fun in the schoolyard and home games, but they are overpowered and have no place in the RoPaSc competitive landscape.

“I can see where these players are coming from in wanting to nerf Rock,” says Rock, Papre, Scissors league referee, Chris Williams. “It does have a pretty significant advantage against Scissors. Though, Scissors is able to pretty easily bring down Paper. But then again, Paper is pretty powerful against Rock. Of course, Scissors tends to get beat by Rock in every match they’re against each other.”

At press time, Chris Williams continued to trail off as reporters packed up and left to catch their flight.

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Middle Earth Temporarily Bans Fellowships of More Than Five

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

MINAS TIRITH — The White Council of the Wise issued a decree today that all fellowships in Middle Earth shall be no larger than five companions for at least the next quarter-age to help slow the spread of the Samund-01 curse that has already killed over 30,000 elves, dwarves, and men.

“The following measures are to be implemented with great haste across Middle Earth,” said Council leader Saruman the White via palantir. “Taverns and mines are to cease operations immediately, and all festivals and Entmoots are to be postponed. When you do venture, maintain a social distance of two longswords. Only essential quests are to be embarked upon.”

Originating from Mordor and spread by Nazgul, the Samund Curse has hit the Kingdom of Gondor hardest. Lord Denethor, Steward of Gondor, insisted that he had handled the threat very well, despite nearly 90% of Minas Tirith showing signs of the curse and over 2,000 dead.

“I’ve done a great job, a tremendous job, leading this Kingdom against the Mordor curse. It came from Mordor, while that fake king wanders around with his little half-people and that horrible woman from Aerosmith,” said Denethor from his tower atop a castle atop a mountain. “My good son Boromir has done a great job as well — much better than sleepy king Theoden retreating to Helm’s Deep, or singin’ Elrond hiding up in Riverdale. Anyone who wants a counter-curse can get a counter-curse.”

Emergency measures have already affected many residents of Middle Earth. Most recently, a long-expected party in the Shire was cancelled just one day before it was scheduled to take place.

“I had everything ready: the tents and tables, the food and drink, scores of guests arriving. I had fucking fireworks!” said Bilbo Baggins, 111, of Hobbiton. “Do you know how long I’ve had this party planned? How it has dominated my every thought and action since I returned from the Battle of the Five Armies? They cannot take away our freedom to have parties. We’re hobbits. Parties are… precious to us.”

Until a cure is brought by giant eagles just when everything seems darkest, residents of Middle Earth are advised to control the curse’s spread by washing frequently, not eating any orc, and not believing everything they hear on the palantir.

Calvin Arrested for 13,900,660 Counts of Public Urination

Posted on by John Danek

WASHINGTON — Calvin, the co-star of the influential newspaper comic strip “Calvin & Hobbes,” was arrested today in conjunction with almost 14 million acts of public urination, federal prosecutors report.

“Calvin’s 25-year-long reign of terror and urine has come to an end,” announced federal prosecutor Maria Gavin. “We have not yet established a clear motive, but we do know that his primary targets were pickup trucks owned by persons mostly residing in economically depressed areas, and we are exploring if such a class-based crime can qualify as a hate crime. With victims in all 50 states, this is being treated as a major felony.”

Calvin himself addressed reporters after his arraignment.

“What the fuck? None of those 14 million examples look a thing like me,” argued a 34-year-old, unshaven Calvin. “I was just sitting at home, minding my business, doing my job for Ticketmaster where I buy Lady Gaga tickets to resell on their reseller site at a profit… when all of a sudden, BOOM! My door gets kicked down and someone throws a flashbang grenade in.”

“They totally ruined my high, too — was it necessary for them to confiscate my sess?” asked Calvin, possibly incriminating himself further. “And so what if I did piss on every pickup manufactured between 1992 and 2009? The real criminals are the bankers. It’s time we get those fuckers behind bars. And the Bilderbergs. You guys listen to Joe Rogan?”

Hobbes, Calvin’s former partner, lamented his friend’s turn towards degeneracy.

“Every single day, I think about where things went wrong,” sighed a tired Hobbes, who now works as a social worker outside of Jackson, Miss. “We had such good, innocent times; I thought they’d last forever. But then he started hanging out with that alcoholic Hagar the Horrible more and more, and before long, I was too boring for Calvin. Last time I heard from him, he tried pitching me on a dietary supplements pyramid scheme.”

The news is just the latest in a string of high-profile comic strip crimes, including Odie of “Garfield” fame and his pending insider trading trial.

Gaming Mouse Has More Buttons Than Keyboard

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

FREMONT, Calif. — The new Corsair BM-4050990 mouse, made specifically for gamers and streamers, boasts 128 buttons, according to a new press release from the company.

“Everyone knows that binding keys to your mouse in a game makes you better at the game. Well why should you have to use your dumbass keyboard at all?” said Corsair CEO Andy Paul. “So we filled this bad boy up with so many buttons, you can map one onto every single key on your keyboard and have some left over. Have fun crushing everyone with one hand and doing whatever the hell you want with your other.”

Those who have used the new mouse have praised its number of buttons while criticizing its ergonomics.

“Right off the bat, I love the number of buttons. Going by a pure button basis, this mouse has more than any I’ve ever seen — that’s inarguable. If you’re someone who buys a mouse based on the number of buttons it has, this is a must-buy for you,” said PC Magazine reviewer Stephen Merch. “I played a game of Valorant and mapped space-bar onto seven different buttons. It really helped me to jump, although I found myself constantly accidentally rubbing against other buttons.”

“That being said, the price is fairly steep, even for a high-end mouse,” Merch concluded. “At $1 per button, $128 is hard to swallow for a mouse. Perhaps it would have been a little easier to swallow had I been able to purchase it with the ease of 128 buttons.”

At press time, Corsair announced they were releasing a companion keyboard that lets you grab it and move around your desk for use as a mouse.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: I Will Explain Marxism to the Coronavirus and Then It Will Be on Our Side

Posted on by James Knapp

Listen up you capitalist dogs! We’ve been looking at this whole pandemic thing all wrong. Sure, right now the coronavirus is a seemingly unstoppable global crisis, but consider what it could be if it were allied with the proletariat. What if it could help us claim co-operative ownership over the means of production? That’s why I will explain Marxist philosophy to the coronavirus and together we will finally overthrow the capitalist ruling class.

This goes without saying but I’m totally not doing this because my parents stopped paying my credit card bills and I’m wracking up debt by the hour. All these ironic protest outfits are really expensive, okay?

The idea first came to me when I got laid off from my job at Sunoco in late 2019. The coronavirus wasn’t a thing yet but I still got to thinking, fuck these ruling class pigs who are willing to fire an honest, hard-working laborer just because he passed out huffing lighter fluid behind the cigarette counter/employee break-fort. We gotta take the bourgeoisie down somehow and diseases don’t take sides in a class war.

That said, the upper class does inherently have better access to healthcare. But that’s all the more reason why we need to get the virus on our side.

To those asking how we plan to communicate with an acute respiratory infection that doesn’t have access to language, let alone the high-minded rhetoric required to understand class consciousness, we say, “shut up you elitist scum!” That’s exactly what the bourgeoisie puppet masters said to isolate us from comrade COVID in the first place.

I will seek out the coronavirus and explain Marxist philosophy to it so we can finally put an end to social stratification in this country. Until then, if anybody can spot me a few bucks for Amazon Prime I will totally pay you back once the feudalistic paymasters have been eradicated.

Punk Blue Apron Just a Bunch of Random Gas Station Items

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

NEW YORK — The startup company Punk Blue Apron is enjoying a surge in popularity, thanks to their monthly subscription boxes containing a bunch of random shit from a gas station, early quarterly reports confirm.

“I was trying to sign up for the actual Blue Apron, and somehow ended up with this,” said Jennifer Demeter while emptying the box’s contents directly into the garbage. “They sent me an off-brand Slim Jim, a couple ‘liquorice’ flavored energy shots, a travel-size toothbrush and mouthwash, expired condoms, three loose cigarettes that look like they were already smoked halfway, and a handful of those weird boner pills that are always by the register. And when I tried canceling my subscription online, their website just rerouted to a Bandcamp page.”

Punk Blue Apron CEO Dana Sapienzo is proud of the booming business.

“We’ve been growing exponentially, especially right now when people prefer ordering most things,” said Sapienzo while emptying out an actual Blue Apron box on the sidewalk outside Blue Apron Headquarters to repurpose the branded packaging. “We offer a wide range of products, letting users mix and match what contents they want in their boxes and then ignoring all of that and just choosing random items from a gas station. And if you’re lucky, you might even get items from a bodega that happens to be conveniently next door — kind of like a ‘golden ticket’ type situation.”

However, Don Matthews, the owner and operator of Punk Blue Apron’s supply warehouse, is not happy with the business’ practices.

“They come into my gas station every Sunday morning and just sweep huge loads of random stuff off the shelves into a giant box, then leave without paying for any of it,” an angry Matthews yelled. “Luckily, they usually take the stuff that’s been sitting here since 2011, and I can write it off as a robbery.”

Punk Blue Apron is looking to add alcohol delivery service as well, which will deliver subscribers half-finished 40 oz. bottles of Mickey’s.

Dodo Airlines Asks For 50 Billion Bell Bail Out

Posted on by Tyler Schmall

NEW HORIZONS — Dodo Airlines employee and CEO Orville came forward earlier this week with a statement pleading for a relief package to the tune of 50 billion bells.

“Oh, drumsticks, we’d just hate to go out of business and not be able to take you to all the islands you’d like to visit… Maybe you could help with a donation of 50 billion bells?” said Orville in brand-new dialogue, giving players the option to work long hours of strenuous manual labor to bail out the airline themselves.

While many villagers are happy with the island on which they reside, and content to let Dodo Airlines slide into bankruptcy, prominent businessman Tom Nook of Nook Inc. does not appear ready to stand idly by and let that happen.

“Oh ho! Dodo Airlines can rest assured we are working hard on a stimulus package that will keep them afloat,” said Nook. “It is a very big package. We are having villagers across the island pulling weeds, catching fish, and netting butterflies at a tremendous rate in order to keep Dodo in business. Oh ho!”

Many villagers have expressed concern about Dodo’s monopoly on the skies, with many admonishing the company’s “psychotic” mystery tour special, where players are flown “nearly blindfolded” to a random island at no decision of their own.

At time of press, Tom Nook raised your debt by over 500 million bells.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

All of Fiona Apple’s Exes Coincidentally Text Her The Same Day For No Reason At All

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

LOS ANGELES — Multiple exes of musician Fiona Apple coincidentally texted her at the same time yesterday for no real reason they could think of following the release of her latest album “Fetch the Bolt Cutters,” according to sources.

“I can’t explain it, but I had an overwhelming urge to text her, even though we haven’t spoken in years,” said Apple’s ex, Tyler Green. “Really, I don’t know where it came from. Maybe this quarantine stuff just had me wanting to make sure she was holding up and had enough bread and stuff. So weird. Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Oh, did she put out a new album? I think I do remember hearing something about that, now that you mention it,” Green added quickly, in a high-pitched voice.

Throughout the deeply personal 13-track album, Apple details her relationships with men, causing some to wonder who each song might be about.

“Yes, I texted Fiona, but really I had no idea about the album. I think of Fiona as a good friend, except the kind where you don’t keep up on really big personal and professional accomplishments, so I wouldn’t know,” said Tavarez. “Maybe there was just something in the air that made me want to text her, OK? The wind has been all weird lately. It’s a big pollen year or something. Look it up.”

A representative from Verizon Wireless confirmed Apple’s phone saw a record-level activity, which required that an entire customer service team be dispatched to increase the phone’s capability for receiving so many messages at once.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. All of them reaching out, but not saying a word about the album. There’s no way they didn’t listen to it,” said Barbara Holbrook, a Verizon customer service employee, of the phenomenon. “The number of messages suggests that not only did Apple hear from men she’s dated, but also those she’s kissed, danced with one time at Largo 15 years ago, or have simply made eye contact with on the street. It sounds truly insane, but considering what I put together now based on those ‘Newspaper’ lyrics, I’m not surprised.”

At press time, there was no additional space on Apple’s voicemail to request a comment.

Photo by Sachyn Mital via Wikimedia Commons. 

5 Meditation Apps so Good You’ll Be Incorrectly Convinced You Can Stop Taking Your Meds

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Congratulations! You’ve made the next step in your mental and spiritual well being journey by bringing meditation into your life. Mindfulness can have some wonderful benefits for your life including increased attention span, mood stabilization, and lower blood pressure. In fact, meditation can work so well that you will foolishly think you can quit your antidepressants!

Here are five fantastic meditation apps that will make you flush your Zoloft down faster than you can say “mental health relapse.”

Insight Timer – This app has thousands of hours of free mediation exercises and relaxing music. Sure, you’ll stick with it for a few weeks but you’ll probably end up just using it to fall asleep. That won’t stop you from tossing out your Zoloft on a good day only to find yourself rummaging through your trash a few weeks from now like a dissociating raccoon.

Aura – Aura touts that you only need 3 minutes a day to change your life. We’re sure 3 minutes of mediation will be able to replace your SSRI’s so you should even quit cold turkey. Just breathe through the detox. We’re sure you’ll be fine.

Sattva – This app uses actual Sanskrit meditations. People from the ancient world didn’t take Abilify, so why should you? It also has a heart rate monitor so you can watch your rebound anxiety attack happen in real time.

Calm – Oprah recommends this one. Matthew McConaughey also recommends it. Then again, if you had lives like theirs you probably wouldn’t have been taking Paxil since you were fifteen.

Headspace – Why not pay $12.99 a month to learn how to breathe and convince yourself that it cured your anxiety? Then when that $12.99 sends your bank account into the negative and you have a panic attack about it, you will be reminded that living in the now doesn’t cover overdraft fees.

These are just five of the many mediation apps out there. We strongly recommend introducing a meditation or yoga regimen into your daily routine to give you the artificial self-confidence boost you’ll need to make a terrible life decision.

Report: Children’s Puzzle Actually Pretty Challenging After 11th Beer

Posted on by Ted Pillow

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Quarantined father Chris Denny is struggling with his son’s 33-piece jigsaw puzzle after drinking almost an entire 12-pack of beer by himself, according to concerned and slightly ashamed sources in the Denny household.

“This tricky fucker,” Denny slurred, staring intently at a jumble of unsorted puzzle pieces and peanut shells while stroking his unkempt beard. “Must be for them gifted and talented little bastards. You want to do a damn puzzle nowadays, you gotta know coding or be a hacker or somethin’. I got this one corner finished, but I think maybe the pieces are just sticking together ‘cuz I spilled Heineken all over them.”

The 36-year-old father turned to his son’s puzzle out of desperate boredom, already exhausting nearly all Netflix, Disney+, and Hulu content during the quarantine.

“That puzzle is meant for ages 3 to 6,” confided Alison Denny, Chris’s distressed wife. “I get that the anxiety and disruption of the quarantine is getting to him, but this is making me question a lot of my own choices. Even for a very drunk person, this is a terrible showing — look, he’s just mashing pieces that don’t go together until they sort of fit. And I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s supposed to be van Gogh’s ‘Starry Night,’ but it’s just a Minion riding a surfboard.”

Even Chris’s son, 4-year-old Lucas Denny, was disappointed by his father’s pathetic performance, as Chris has reportedly been working on the puzzle for hours with little progress to show for it.

“This is utterly pitiful,” the child remarked while lining up his action figures for an epic battle. “He didn’t even start by doing all the edge pieces first. I lost a lot of respect for my father tonight. This is even worse than the sloppy, uninspired work he did yesterday in my ‘Frozen’ coloring book. I truly hope I get most of my cognitive ability from my mother… if not, I’m screwed.”

As of press time, Chris finally gave up on the puzzle, and was last seen nodding and smiling while reading a copy of “Goodnight Moon” held upside down.

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