Glitch in the Matrix? I Started Drinking and Now It’s Four Days Later

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

Not to startle you, but I’m currently 8 beers deep. Which means if you’re reading this, I may already be in the future. Possibly. I’m not really sure how the glitch works yet. What I do know is that time travel is not only possible — It’s highly probable at any point after 2 PM. 

Anyway, there I was, cracking open a tall boy on my lunch break like usual. No,w usually I stop at one, but I thought, “What the hell, it’s Flag Day!” So I slugged back a few more. And before I knew it, I had been flung through the fabric of space-time. Landing in the bushes outside my house — in the future.

I guess time travel really does a number on you, because I spent the next 24 hours vomiting and nursing the worst headache I’ve ever had. That guy from Interstellar made it look so easy. But then again, those unenlightened Hollywood writers have never experienced what it’s like to be violently jettisoned into the unknown. 

Since the advent of my discovery, I’ve dedicated every waking moment to researching the glitch.  How does it work? Can I control it? Why would the government and/or the aliens behind the glitch cause me to miss my daughter’s graduation? There’s so much still I don’t know, but what I have discovered is that the time skips get bigger, the more beers I have. 

At first, the time skips are small and start around beer number 5. Now, during this time of ingestion, I only fly forward in time for a few minutes, but the time skips get bigger once I get to beer number 9. Which is what I’m currently on, as I write this. It’s only a matter of time, though, until I reach beer number 15, which is when I truly break the barrier of the 4th dimension.

I don’t know where I’ll end up, or how far into the future I’ll skip. But what I do know is that, like any scientist dedicated to their craft, I will NEVER stop researching. No matter what my wife, boss, friends, or children say. Because one day, they’ll all know a Nobel Prize winner. And if they’re cool, I totally let them hold my medal.

Tony Hawk Sick of Being Recognized as David Spade’s Stunt Double in “Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol”

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

ENCINITAS, La. — Professional skateboarder Anthony Hawk felt exhausted as yet another outing outside his home resulted in a “Police Academy 4” fan recognizing him as David Spade’s stunt double, confirmed sources.

“Hard to believe I keep getting recognized for a role I was actually fired from. That’s right. Some other dude actually played Spade’s double. The Mandela Effect is real,” Hawk lamented. “I go to the coffee shop to get a latte, I go to street markets to check out Labubus, I always get noticed as David Spade’s stunt double in that one Police Academy sequel. I had a video game series, you know, but I guess nobody played it. Someday I hope to step out of that role’s shadow and become a world-renowned skater, but until then I’ll still be recording Cameo videos for fans of the franchise who ask me to recreate the scenes. Nothing against them, I’m glad they enjoyed my work.”

Hawk’s most recent interaction with a “Citizens on Patrol” fan was with an employee at Target.

“PA4 is my absolute sixth favorite film in that franchise, so I was in awe to see Tony. I can recognize that back of the head anywhere!” said Joseph Freidman, Target cashier. “I normally don’t bother customers but it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I asked him if he had ever been canned from being David Spade’s skater double in other movies. He told me he was also fired from ‘Joe Dirt’ and ‘Grown Ups 2,’ which is odd because I don’t remember any skating scenes in those ones. Hopefully, his career picks up! As he left I joked to him that he should avoid the Blue Oyster Bar unless he wants to fall for one of Mahoney’s classic pranks! Hope he’s enjoying that USB cord he bought.”

Despite never being asked to return for “Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach,” Hawk’s costars remember him fondly.

“Tony has always been great at the *skateboard sounds* which I love,” said Michael Winslow, Police Academy star and sound effects comedian. “I remember once the *camera sounds* were off, we went to the craft service table and *eating noises* till our bellies were full. Afterwards we all swam in Guttenberg’s pool *splash sounds* but then we got a call *phone ringing sounds* and it was the director saying we need to head back for reshoots.”

At press time, Hawk. attempted to distance himself from the Police Academy franchise by reminding the general public that he was once Tony the Tiger’s stunt double in a Frosted Flakes commercial in the early ‘90s.

Kash Patel Vows To Arrest Brown University Shooter as Soon as FBI Finishes Engraving, Planting Shell Casings

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – FBI Director Kash Patel has informed reporters of a breakthrough in the manhunt for the Brown University shooter, stating that they will arrest the suspect as soon as the agency’s field operatives finish engraving leftist slogans and planting shell casings on campus.

“We are using every available resource to hunt down and arrest this heartless murderer, so I have asked that our agents work around the clock to engrave anti-MAGA rhetoric onto as many shell casings as possible and have them strewn around the scene of the crime. This will not only make a motive easier to pinpoint but will save our asses if the shooter happens to be on our side. If and when we find this person, we’ll know for sure that he was a leftist, America-hating extremist who was clearly upset with students being indoctrinated by liberal ideologies. Oh, actually, scrap that last part, we’re still workshopping that memo. I will, however, ask that local authorities let us do our job and stop nagging our agents about ‘hard evidence’. Do they know how many agents I had to pull off redacting the President’s name from the Epstein files to pull this off?”

As of press time, Patel informed reporters that he had to immediately follow a lead on the suspect, claiming they were hiding in a private airport near the next UFC fight location.

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

Opinion: You Can Be a Progressive and Still Hunt the Homeless for Sport – Guest Column by Gavin Newsom

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

My name is Chief Bob’s Big Boy in Charge of Things — Gavin Newsom. I’m writing this op-ed currently and with great intentions to talk to people who share the same political leanings as I do: specifically left ones. I know lately there’ve been discussions about me running for President (stop, stop, I’m blushing, OMG) and whether or not I’d actually be a progressive enough candidate to make any sort of difference. 

Critics of mine (San Diego zoo animals that they are) will frequently point out that as governor of California, I’ve made several major decisions that are baffling for a “progressive.” For instance, my insistence on having parties during COVID, my unflinching support for the fifty-first American state (Israel) and most of all, my treatment of the homeless. But to these detractors, I’d like to say: you’re so stupid. I am the handsome, shiny face of the American progressive movement. That is to say, you can be a progressive and still hunt the homeless for sport.

That’s right. Ever since I was just a little baby Governor Gavin Newsom, I dreamed of being a force for political change. I knew that one day, when I had the power to do so, I would eliminate California’s homelessness crisis the only way I knew how: by driving around in my Hobo-Zamboni and hunting the unhoused for sport with my crossbow. It keeps our streets clean and safe. And it sure gives me quite a chub while I’m doing it. 

Look, I know some of you doubting desert-dwellers and mouthy meth-heads off in Bakersfield might say I’m out of touch. But my suits are barely ever made out of dead people anymore. And my haircut only costs as much as the monthly rent on a Santa Barbara studio apartment. I’m a man of the people: Women in Glendale constantly message me to say how they pay property taxes to feel safe and that we should get rid of the homeless by sending them somewhere with women who can’t pay. But I’m just too nice. I believe in hunting them for sport to give back to the community.

Yes, that’s right, I believe in recycling. Once she learned of my blood-lust, L.A. Mayor Karen Bass Pro Shop reached out to me about using the carcasses of the homeless I’ve slaughtered to be turned into a cheap source to dog food for huskies. Angelenos hate the homeless, but they love huskies. Even though they don’t have the weather for them, nor the space to keep them energized. 

So stop criticizing me, you Sacramentally Challenged individuals. I am Daddy. I am the moment. I deserve to be president in three years. I definitely shouldn’t stay my sorry ass in my lane and keep California from getting overrun by Republicans.

Band Photo Features Shirts of Four Better Bands

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

TORRANCE, Calif. — Up-and-coming hardcore band Loaf High are fending off critics after releasing a new batch of promo pictures that depict them wearing merch from other bands infinitely better than them, confirmed sources.

“I used to be all about getting recs from some dude with gauges big enough to fist, but I think those guys are all either dead, deaf, or too busy watering their succulents now. So, now I see which bands end up on the shirts of these new kids doing their first ever photoshoot and decide if they deserve a shot,” said scene veteran Hassan Batma. “These guys had the fucking Mount Rushmore staring back at me. Mindforce, Scowl, DRAIN, and Sunami? But when I played Loaf High’s EP, it sounded like dogshit, doodoo, poop, and feces. How does that even happen? Fuck the government and fuck snitches, but I am this close to reporting them to the FTC for false advertising.” 

Members of Loaf High doubled down on their decision to proceed with the photos.

“Look, we get it. You think we suck ass. You think we’re giving the bands on our shirts a bad rap because we’re associating ourselves with them. That’s all fine. Just please, stop DMing us links to the Foo Fighters merch shop,” said Loaf High drummer Natalie Grossman. “Whatever you may think of us, just know that this is our dream. No one cared about our music review blog in 2017, so we had to pivot to making music, in the hopes that one day, someone would care about our music recs. It’s like that one saying, a pimple-faced teen ignored by the scene will watch it burn to feel its warmth or whatever.”

The photographer behind the band’s infamous promo picture has also broken their silence, following multiple threats online. 

“Oh boy, I knew this was gonna be trouble when I accepted the job. I tried warning them, I told them to change it up. There’s nothing wrong with a young hardcore band taking pictures wearing striped cardigans and scarves. But they wanted to look tough. So I says to them, lose the scarves, add a fedora and boom, you’re Al Capone!” said part-time JCPenney’s photographer Boris Dabrowski. “They didn’t like that neither. Last resort, I beg them to switch to ironic band t-shirts. Like, what if they wore a Hannie Montanie shirt or like a vintage Michael Bublé ‘Crazy Love’ era tee? You know, something to temper the audience’s expectations. Ah, but what do I know? It’s not like I’ve been doing this shit for 45 years.”

At press time, members of Loaf High were drawing straws to see who would have to model their own merch.

We Sat Down With the Ghostwriter of Trump’s Touching Eulogy To Rob Reiner

Posted on by Dan Rice

When you enter the world of politics, you are no longer just a person; you’re a brand. Everything you say publicly has to match that brand, that singular energy that defines your public perception. That’s why even leaders as loquacious as Donald Trump need help from time to time. 

When news broke of Rob Reiner’s tragic and mysterious passing, Trump knew he had to say something to his people, something that acknowledged the event as cryptically and suspiciously as possible, but he was tired and still recovering from diaper rash. Luckily, the White House keeps a writer on retainer so in touch with Trump’s trademark chaos and ghoulishness that his voice is practically indistinguishable from that of our current President. 

We sat down with the man who penned the eulogy that now has America asking, “Wait, did Trump kill Rob Reiner?” 

The Hard Times: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us today. 

The Joker: It’s an absolute pleasure. 

HT: People are calling Trump’s post on Rob Reiner tasteless, petty, and needlessly divisive. How are you able to capture the voice of our president so well? 

J: I get Trump. When he first came onto the political scene with his scandals and his abuse allegations and his Hitler playbook, I thought to myself, “I like him already!” He understood that this country needed an enema, that resonated with me. 

HT: This is a totally random and bizarre tragedy, and when news of it first broke, people weren’t associating it with the President at all. Why was the president so determined to insert himself into such a macabre event? 

J: Well, it seems you just answered your own question, friend. People weren’t talking about Trump. Our president will be god damned if he lets a random act of violence take attention away from him for even a moment. By dying in a manner completely unrelated to the president, Reiner was rubbing another man’s rubarb! 

HT: Well, the Truth post certainly turned that around. I have to say this almost reads like a ghoulish confession. IS our takeaway supposed to be that maybe Trump had Rob Reiner killed? 

J: I’ll say this — you wanna make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs. Maybe one of those eggs directed “Spinal Tap,” who’s to say? 

HT: Some have criticized the post as tasteless exploitation. How do you respond to that? 

J: “Thank you” comes to mind. But really, taste pertains to art, and art is subjective. That’s what I am you see, I’m an artist. I have a vision. 

HT: How would you best describe that vision? 

J: Trump’s face on the hundred-dollar bill. 

HT: That’s… okay. But don’t you think it’s a little disrespectful to use the tragic death of a beloved American director for a cheap political jab so soon after his passing? 

J: Ever seen “North”?

HT: Again, too soon! 

J: Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? 

HT: Thank you for your time we have to leave immediately.

Local Man Proud of Self For Outsmarting Housefly 

Posted on by Trevor Graham

DENVER — A local mediocre man spent several days feeling proud about himself after outsmarting a housefly that had been trapped in his apartment for days, sources with compound eyes confirmed.

“Man, I’ve just been on such a high ever since I tricked that fly into leaving my apartment. It was buzzing around for hours, and every time I tried to swat it, it would just fly away. So finally I had the idea of taking the screen off the window, and it flew right out. HA HA! Stupid insect. Who’s the apex predator now?” said Evan Richards, unemployed. “I am pretty exhausted after all that excitement, though. I might just spend the rest of the day scrolling TikTok and playing video games while my wife cleans up the place.”

His wife, Sara Richards, says she hasn’t seen her husband this proud of himself since the time he tricked the family dog into going to the vet.

“He seems to be really pleased with himself for outwitting an insect. It’s just like when we had to take Ruffles to the vet, and she wouldn’t get in the car, so Evan threw some treats in the backseat of the car, and she jumped right in. He is beaming with that same sense of pride now over getting the fly out of the house,” said Ms. Richards. “If only he could put this type of energy into something productive like doing the dishes or you know, finding a job.”

Social psychologist Dr. Debra Gorman says there is a certain percentage of the population like Mr. Richards, who have lowered their expectations in life and feel proud about their trivial achievements.

“We find that a good portion of the population, mostly men in their 30s to 40s, have had their expectations on what would be considered a successful life lowered so that any mundane task for them now feels like they have actually accomplished something meaningful,” said Gorman. “And rather than ridicule these individuals, we should encourage and support them. After all, mediocre middle-aged men with no discernible skills could very well go on to become CEOs of major companies or even elected officials.”

At press time, Mr. Richards had reportedly “beaten that super hard mission in ‘Red Dead Redemption II’” and had gone out for beers to celebrate.

The Next Alex Mack? This Child Was Just Hit by a Hazardous Waste Disposal Truck!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

If you grew up in the nineties, it’s highly likely that you spent a lot of time watching Nickelodeon. Classic shows like “Clarissa Explains It All,” “Hey Dude,” and “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” helped to impart some moral lessons while keeping us entertained and, most importantly, out of our parents’ hair. Perhaps one of the most well-known of these programs was “The Secret World of Alex Mack,” about a teenage girl infused with special powers after an accident involving a truck from a nearby chemical plant. Well, hold on to your hats, because we may have found her successor!

Meet 12-year-old Ethan Ryland of Troy, Missouri. Just last week, Ethan was walking home from school, minding his own business, when a truck containing hazardous chemicals suddenly veered off the road, spilling its contents while simultaneously striking him!

Whoa, pretty cool!

So, what do we know about the vehicle that struck Ethan? Well, according to local sources, the driver had been employed by a local petroleum refinery plant, and had lost control of his truck as he swerved to avoid a squirrel that had wandered into the road, crushing Ethan and covering him in hydrofluoric acid in the process. This solution had been left over from a  catalytic alkylation process for high-octane fuel production, but may be serving a new purpose if Evan becomes a superhuman once he heals from the third-degree burns and systemic poisoning it inflicted when it pooled over his unconscious body.

Fingers crossed!

Will Ethan be granted the powers to turn himself into a shiny, silver liquid, able to sneak through pipes and vents while he uncovers the shady misdeeds of the truck driver’s employer? Or will he suddenly become telekinetic along with the ability to generate electricity from his fingertips? Because he’s still listed in critical condition, and reportedly has not awakened from the medically induced coma doctors placed him in just after the accident, we can only speculate until he wakes up. He’d better hope that he does become the next Alex Mack, though, because it’s going to be hard for him to get around with that shattered spine and collapsed lung!

Time will only tell if Ethan has a new life filled with adventure and wacky hijinks waiting for him when, and if, he comes to. We don’t know about you, but we’re on the edge of our seats!

Hitler Rolling in Grave Sharing Person of the Year with These Dorks

Posted on by danerice

BERLIN — Former German leader Adolf Hitler, who is widely considered to be one of the most evil men of all time, is reportedly rolling over in his grave after learning he is sharing Time’s annual “Person of the Year” award with the architects of AI, sources confirmed.

“I haven’t been this upset since Stalingrad, and that says a lot because I’ve spent the last 80 years in Hell being brutally tortured by demonic beings that I had dreamed would fight alongside Germany on the frontlines,” said Hitler. “I don’t know what the editors at Time are thinking. I was trying to destroy humanity the old-fashioned way, by using humans to kill humans. These dorks are destroying humanity by rotting brains and wasting resources. When I was done killing humans I still wanted Earth to exist, I don’t even know what the end game is for these guys.”

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman says he is honored to share the award with his peers and the architect of the Holocaust.

“Ever since I was a kid I looked up to Hitler and what he was able to accomplish in such a short time. In fact, some of the earliest AI models I created were programmed to recreate some of Hitler’s art,” said Altman. “But Hitler’s vision was too limited. I envision a world where AI completely replaces humans, humanity can finally be obsolete. Picture that, a world where you don’t have to work every day, you don’t have to be stressed out all the time, and it’s because you’re dead, thanks to the fact that data centers used up all the potable water on the planet. I can’t wait until we reach that point.”

Time’s editor-in-chief Sam Jacobs defended the selection.

“The ‘Person of the Year’ award is something we are very proud of at Time because we basically invented clickbait. We have been riling up people for years and staying relevant by making selections that make people say ‘What the fuck are these morons thinking?’ Well buddy, I think you’re talking about us and that’s all that matters,” said Jacobs. “You think we are going to waste out time picking the Pope again? Fat chance, that doesn’t move units in 2025. So fuck you, maybe next year we will pick ‘Your Mother’s Rotten Crotch’ and see how you like that.”

At press time, Satan admitted that the architects of AI will have their own special circle of Hell reserved just for them.

Puscifer Fan Shocked to Learn Vocalist Has Side Band

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Noted Puscifer fan and parolee Peter Schwartz recently learned the vocalist of his favorite act has a side band, sources reported.

“I love Puscifer so much, I named both my kids after their catalog: my daughter ‘M’ for Milla, and my son ‘V’ for Vagina. I even live in an Airstream that was stolen by dopers, let’s say. But Puscifer’s lead singer is always in disguise, so I never could tell who he really was. When I first saw the cover for ‘Conditions of My Parole,’ I thought that was a real portrait of him after a genre-defying conjugal visit. He looked so proud of his black eye,” Schwartz said from an iPhone that came with names pre-loaded on it. “Turns out that guy is named Maynard James Keenan, and he has a side band. I was in shock, like someone body slammed me on stage. This side band is pretty big in an underground way and put out some mind-blowing singles. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s called A Perfect Circle.”

Schwartz’s discovery started in an unlikely place.

“Yeah, Peter came in looking for a white wine for a dinner date with a ‘Bikini Bandit’ he met through a prison pen pal program. Pretty sus, but I’ve seen worse,” said Lisa Loch, who works at a liquor store directly outside the exit of a federal prison. “I sold him a 2023 Merkin Vineyards Chupacabra Blanca to pair nicely with his other questionable life choices. I mentioned how the vineyard’s owner is in Puscifer and A Perfect Circle. He seemed surprised and excited to tell his date about it. Hey, at least it’s not crypto.”

Keenan also expressed surprise at Schwartz’s discovery.

“Most people find me the same way they have for years: from my appearance in the seminal 2009 motion picture, ‘Crank 2: High Voltage.’ The method acting took a year of my life, but it really grounded my role as a dog trainer who uses a shock collar to zap farts out of Jason Statham. Anyway, it’s true that I’m in exactly two bands: Puscifer and A Perfect Circle,” Keenan said without using the Fibonacci sequence. “Another happy fan means I did my job. I love all my fans. They are the best.”

As of press time, Schwartz said he discovered Keenan’s “secret” third band, Tool, and looks forward to checking them out one day when he gets around to it.