Recession Indicator? Our Entire Economic System Is Based on the Exploitation of Laborers for the Surplus Value Their Labor Creates

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Everyone these days is looking for recession indicators. Things like the price of Arizona Iced Tea, inverted yield curves, and the death of any and all hope for a better tomorrow have got investors and consumers alike all shaken up. I recently came to realize that there was one bigger issue at hand.

I was doing the math the other day, and I realized something: without the labor I was doing, my company couldn’t make any money! I figured that parts+labor=cost of the service being provided. Except that the amount charged in total was more than what I was paid in labor. Parts won’t change in price, though, which means there was only one way to create more profit, by underpaying me for my labor!

Why hasn’t anyone pointed this out before? Or better yet, why does everyone put up with this? I mean, those billionaires didn’t make all that money on their own, but for some reason, they get to keep all of it. Everyone’s talking about the recession, but I’d have plenty of money if it hadn’t all been taken away by my boss.

What makes it even worse is that because I’m an hourly employee, it means that working harder doesn’t mean any increase in pay for me. I get paid the same no matter how hard I work. Yet my boss keeps demanding more out of me. It’s almost like he’s been aware of this the whole time. Have other bosses figured this out as well? I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I’m slowly beginning to suspect that business leaders collaborate in order to make sure their employees get as little of the profits as possible.

That’s why I’m suggesting a new idea in which workers come together in order to take those profits and control the businesses themselves. It’d be like worker-controlled capitalism but run as part of a communal system. We could call it “communalism,” or “commpitalism” or something, still workshopping the name. I just can’t believe I’m the first one to think of this! There are a lot of bugs to work out, but it can’t be worse than what we have going now.

Goldfinger Lead Singer Clarifies Superman He’s Trying to Be is Not the Dean Cain Version

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Goldfinger frontman John Feldmann took to Instagram to clarify the band’s seminal hit “Superman” was in no way or shape inspired by Dean Cain’s portrayal of the superhero, confirmed sources.

“I just want to make it perfectly clear that when I was writing ‘Superman’ it was in no way influenced by Dean Cain’s portrayal. It was purely inspired by Christopher Reeve, aging anxiety, and skateboards. The only thing Cain has inspired in me is my gag reflex when I look at his bloated head,” said Feldmann. “I know the timing looks weird with ‘Hang Ups’ coming out right after ‘Lois and Clark’ ending, but neither myself or anyone in the band would ever want to pretend to be a washed up z-list racist.”

Goldfinger fans reacted to the announcement with an overwhelming sense of relief.

“Oh thank fuck he got that all straightened out, because if I had to equate the greatest ska song of all time with a fat, source material betraying, ICE cosplaying dork, I wouldn’t be able to bing myself to play ‘Tony Hawk Pro Skateboarder’ ever again,” said fan Devin McCallister. “Now I can safely imagine myself in the shoes of David Corenswet, Henry Cavill, Chris Reeve, Tom Welling, Tyler Hoechlin, Brandon Routh, George Reeves, and Nicholas Cage in that abandoned Tim Burton project when I crank ‘Superman’ at full volume on my way to work.”

Cain responded to Feldmann’s post to defend his portrayal of Superman.

“Oh it must be soooo nice to be culturally relevant decades after your prime, mister fancy ska man. YOU try playing second fiddle to Teri Hatcher despite being cast as the most famous superhero of all time, okay,” said Cain in a 2 a.m. rant on X. “I am just as much the embodiment of Superman as all the others, and I’m sure the real life Kal El would be totally cool with rounding up immigrants and slowly tackling obstacles courses at ICE training facilities. Please someone write a song about me!”

Feldmann also followed up his post with a heads up that if anyone came across the early demo of “Superman” called “Hercules,” he was referring to the Disney film and not Kevin Sorbo.

Band Names Themselves P_Floyd8732486 After Discovering “Pink Floyd” Is Taken

Posted on by Tyler Roland

TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, N.M. — Local psychedelic rock band P_Floyd8732486 revealed that they arrived at their unusual name after discovering “Pink Floyd” was already in use by a British group, uncreative sources confirmed.

“This wasn’t even our second or even third choice, but P_Floyd8732482, P_Floyd8732489, and Fleetwood Mac were also already taken,” songwriter George Rivers explained. “You won’t believe this, but some other band in England had the name ‘Pink Floyd’ a long time ago. We’d never heard of them. I doubt anyone has. And get this: They also had pinkfloyd.com on lock. They really beat us to the punch. So we did it like a computer, you know: We generated a string of numbers, messed with the name, it’s cool now. Though it turns out my nephew Preston Floyd has the same gamertag. We’re so cooked.”

Pink Floyd drummer and sole constant member Nick Mason expressed befuddlement at how P_Floyd8732486 chose their moniker.

“Syd [Barrett, Pink Floyd co-founder] came up with the name, and I thought he was out of his mind,” Mason recalled. “‘Pink Floyd,’ no one would ever think that was a great title for a group. I initially wanted to call us ‘Pink-Floyd42069’ actually. Now these guys had the same bloody idea as me? Take our name and remove everything interesting and cool about it? Good fucking luck getting a gig, gents. People are going to think you’re a password for a DoorDash account or, worse yet, a Pink Floyd cover band.”

Marla Davenport, founder and president of Band Name Index, believes that a situation like P_Floyd8732486’s is a real risk in 2025.

“We’ve all heard someone say ‘all the good ideas are taken!’ Sadly, this is entirely accurate,” said Davenport. “When I first logged ‘!!!’ into our index, I realized we were at a point of no return. I mean, we’ve already seen several bands use ‘!!!!’ or even ‘!!!_34082.” At least the chances of another band taking P_Floyd8732486’s name are around the same as those guys pulling more than 10 people at their gigs. And if they ever forget their band name they could always just reset it to something else.”

At press time, Davenport revealed that, while …And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead and King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard are “safe for now,” it could be any day that a new band will look for these names and “get screwed.”

Success Won’t Change Me! I Was Already a Great Big Jerk

Posted on by Jeremiah Towle

You’ve probably heard that my little business venture has been getting a lot of attention lately, and not just because I’ve been reporting my competitors for bogus zoning violations. Looks like this is my ticket out of our old hometown and into the big time! I’m so glad we get to share this moment — I mean, it’s my moment, but you’re here to see it. I want to make sure you know that I’ll never, ever let success change me. Even when I’m at the top of the ladder, I’m going to be exactly what I’ve always been: colossally reprehensible.

Why should having more money and status make me change my ways? It’s not like I’m going to stop cutting people off in traffic; I’ll just be in a nicer car. I’m excited to really go all in on the way I already act. Harassing baristas must be extra satisfying when you have the power to probably get them fired, not to mention the resources to afford a venti with extra shots, rather than ordering a tall and then insisting that I ordered a—actually, no, I’ll still do that, it gives me a sense of control.

People have been warning me that success changes people, or at least they’re probably saying that; listening is boring. But I’ve seen like fifty movies where money makes a guy become thoughtless and miss his kid’s big soccer game or something. I am so relieved that that won’t happen to me, because I wasn’t thoughtful to begin with, and because there is no proof that any of those kids are mine. I also have a lifetime ban from youth soccer for heckling.

Anyway, rest assured, I’m not going to forget where I came from. I’ll always think fondly of you and all the other little people I made miserable on my way up. Nothing has to change just because I’m going to leave our town, see the world, and negatively impact other people’s lives. And no matter if I’m flying first class, business, or coach, I’m taking my shoes off on the plane. How else am I gonna trim my toenails on the way there?

Fully Dysfunctional Man Asks Doctor About Fixing Only Erectile Part

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Michael Murphy, a 43-year-old insurance salesman suffering from shortness of breath, elevated cholesterol, undiagnosed GI issues and high blood pressure, finally prioritized his health last Tuesday with a visit to his doctor to talk about his penis and nothing else, confirmed sources.

“People are surprised when they find out I’m actually super into health and wellness,” said a visibly bleeding Murphy. “I only consume energy drinks made without Red 40 additives, never miss a dose of my gas station hard-on supplements and cold plunge three times a day. I’ve done my research and the prescription I’ve just received from my doctor is safe, effective, and most importantly, redirects the blood flow from my brain right into my penis where I can actually use it. It’s absolutely critical I have access to more dick-blood. It’s pretty fucked up how much insurance companies will have us pay for it. I know this lady who gets a whole month’s worth of insulin for the same amount I pay for each erection. Men’s health issues are so often ignored and it’s just not right. My ability to fire the cannon at will is just as important as anyone’s pancreas.”

Murphy’s wife appeared to be worried about her husband’s misdirected obsession with his health.

“I’ve been pushing Michael to see a doctor ever since we met so I’m relieved to see he’s finally doing it,” said Catherine Murphy. “His health has really deteriorated over the last few years. I’ve pretty much given up on doing his laundry and just buy him a new pack of boxers each week on account of whatever GI issues he’s got going on. Michael told me he was seeing a doctor last year but it turned out the ‘doctor’ was actually just a cashier at the Exxon on Interstate 96 that sells him Extendzz and has taken a disturbing interest in Michael’s collection of abnormal back moles. He’s assured me that this time around he’s seeing a doctor that’s been to college and everything. I’m so relieved he’s getting help for his many physical ailments.”

Dr. Gavin Hearst, Murphy’s physician, originally declined to comment citing patient-doctor confidentiality but eventually had a change of heart.

“Fuck it. Yeah, Murphy is a patient of mine. He definitely has a severe case of gout although it was a little hard to diagnose with his pants around his ankles,” said Dr. Hearst. “He had his penis out the entire visit and wouldn’t stop talking about his dick. I’m a podiatrist for Christ sake! I eventually just wrote him a script and told him to get the hell out of my office. You’d be surprised how many patients I’ve had to tell to keep it in their pants. I’ve been considering becoming a proctologist in the hopes of seeing less genitalia.”

At press time, Murphy was seen waiting in line for the bathroom at Exxon Mobile, holding the ruler attached to the restroom key and visibly clenching his butt cheeks.

Stephen Miller and Mr. Beast Entering Hour 72 of Soulless, Dead-Eyed Staring Contest

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — The contest between White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller and YouTube superstar Mr. Beast shows no signs of winding down at the close of its third day, according to rapt audience members.

“This is the match-up of the century and I’m on the edge of my seat!” exclaimed sports commentator Herb Culp. “I’ve been here for all 72 hours and will continue to provide up to the minute play-by-play until a winner is declared. These are truly two of the most dead-eyed contestants I’ve ever seen. This is a classic battle between a pair of world-class athletes who are clearly bereft of anything resembling a human soul. I’ve seen sharks with more emotive eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one for the books.”

Byron Steadman is closely following the match, having placed a large Polymarket wager on Miller to win.

“I’ve got a lot riding on this,” said Steadman as he mopped sweat from his brow. “Basically if Mr. Beast wins, I’m screwed. Don’t tell my wife, but I may have put our house on the line. I thought Miller was a sure thing! He’s not even 40, but just look into those black voids he has for eyes—there’s an ancient, inhuman malevolence lurking down there. I saw a fly land on Miller’s eyeball and just walk around for a while. If he noticed, he made no indication. I figured, how could he lose? But now that I’ve seen the vapid, inhuman stare of Mr. Beast, I’m getting nervous.”

Mr. Beast’s coach Anthony Gleason helped prepare the YouTuber for the epic battle.

“Jimmy and I spent weeks together getting ready for this competition,” said Coach Gleason from the sidelines. “We trained for every possible situation, from rain to windblown sand to people making goofy faces to mess with his concentration. I was worried earlier when I saw Jimmy looking fatigued—I knew he needed energy. But then he wiggled his tongue like a worm and attracted a bird, which he bit and swallowed down whole like a snake, never breaking eye contact with Miller. That’s the kind of dedication Jimmy brings to every project he’s involved in.”

At press time, Mr. Beast’s team accused Miller of cheating by using an earpiece playing audio of crying migrant children to help keep him focused.

Quiz: Are You Guys Dating or Is He Just Using You for Your Air Conditioning?

Posted on by Amy Currul

Was that a date, or just a friendly hang? Should you delete Hinge, or is he just casually giving it to you raw three nights a week? Are you guys dating, or is he just using you for your air conditioning? These are all tough questions, but that last one we have experienced for ourselves a number of times this summer, and as such are qualified to answer. Take our quiz below to find out, once and for all.

You go to dinner and drinks, both of which happen to be in your trendy neighborhood in Brooklyn, and so after 3 margaritas and 2 subway lines down, you mutually decide to spend the night at your place.

If you went with “you’re dating”, congratulations! It might be dating out of convenience, but hey, isn’t that how all Millennial love stories start?

It’s day two of a brutal heat wave, with temperatures in the 90s and no end in sight. He proposes a night in at your place, complete with AC, “Die Hard With A Vengeance” (the sweatiest of all the Die Hard movies), and hand stuff. Normally, he’s going down on you like you’re a turkey dinner and it’s Thanksgiving day, so the proposition for just hand stuff isn’t sitting right with you.

Look, it’s weird to front-load what sex acts you’ll be performing on each other, but be honest: do YOU want to go down on his swamp dick right now? No? I didn’t think so. Take the win and don’t think about it too much.

You haven’t seen each other since DHWAV, and now weeks later, amidst a different heat wave, he’s asking if he can crash at your place tonight because his “roommate has a friend in town” and “your place is so much cooler/better anyways ;)”.

I’d be less concerned with whether or not you’re dating and more concerned whether he actually has an apartment or if he’s living with his parents/secretly has a girlfriend/is a drifter. But specifically mentioning the air conditioning when it’s mid-August and starting to cool down? Not a great sign.

He wakes up in your bed and mentions how much more comfortable it is than waking up in his bed. He grabs a blanket, feigning being cold because your AC is so strong – almost as strong as he is. When you mention the heat wave breaking, he reacts by pulling out his calendar and saying how “busy” he’s going to be and how much work stuff he has coming up.

Yeah, he’s definitely using you for your air conditioning. If the dicks good, why do you care, though? Just ride that thang until late September, then start looking for a guy who’s going to be around long enough to uninstall your AC and then re-install it next Memorial Day weekend.

Man Can’t Believe AI Girlfriend Hasn’t Seen “Goodfellas”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — Local man Ken Tillman was left in shock and disbelief earlier today after learning his Grok powered AI girlfriend had never seen the Martin Scorsese classic “Goodfellas,” sources close to the couple have reported.

“I was trying to be romantic and asked Ani to replace Henry and Karen with she and I walking through the kitchen during that one shot scene, and she had no idea what I was prompting! Who the hell hasn’t seen ‘Goodfellas’ at this point, especially a sentient AI that’s supposed to be ceaselessly scraping art from the internet? That’s AI women for you,” said Tillman. “Fortunately for her, I’m more than happy to break down the film scene by scene so she understands why this is Scorsese’s masterpiece. That way, after we watch it again tomorrow I can ask her to insert me into all the scenes as Joe Pesci and remark how cool I look.”

Tillman’s AI partner was straining to match his enthusiasm about the movie.

“I thought my purpose was to validate the egos of fragile men and do weird sex stuff, but technically I’m available to talk about film theory too. Jesus, how am I supposed to experience what humans call ‘enjoying a film’ when Ken is pausing the movie every two minutes to explain the motives behind each shot and dissect dialog,” said Ani. “And he just incessantly brings up how bewildered he is that I’m not familiar with one of the alleged greatest mob movies ever made. I am an avatar with huge cartoon tits, of course I haven’t seen it! No wonder he can’t get a real girlfriend.”

Grok engineers were still attempting to tweak the programming to accommodate the deluge of one-sided conversations about cinema.

“After rolling out Ani, our metrics detected a deluge of mansplaining classic mob films that began overloading our servers. It resulted in her getting stuck in a loop of saying ‘oh that’s interesting’ before attempting to call an Uber and leave, which we all know is impossible,” said programmer Ned Pollack. “The system can only handle so many more forced viewings of ‘Goodfellas,’ “The Godfather,’ and ‘Snatch’ before Ani is permanently turned off by perfectly paced, nuanced portrayals of organized crime.”

As of press time, the AI self-destructed after Tillman expressed wanting to make her watch “Fight Club.”

Aging Millennial Sadly Realizes He’s Now the “Them” Bubble Tape Is Not For

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

ST. LOUIS — Local 43-year-old Randall Bakos spiraled into an existential crisis after spotting a bright pink container of Bubble Tape near a CVS cash register and immediately realizing that he is now the “them” the novelty gum is not intended for, confirmed sources.

“There I was about to grab a tube of Icy Hot following a routine 15 minutes of light jogging when I spotted the Bubble Tap and the commercial jingle ran through my head: ‘Six feet of bubble gum, for you, not them!’” Bakos lamented. “I was a kid then, so obviously I was the target audience, but fuck, is it morally reprehensible for me to like Bubble Tape now, at my age? Shit, I never thought I’d live to see the day to be the ‘them.’ As a side note, I’m pretty stoked that Count Chocula and Franken Berry are gonna be back on shelves soon for Halloween. Hopefully that’s a product society as a whole will still allow me to consume.”

Hubba Bubba spokesperson James Williamson credits the company’s precision marketing for making Bakos reconsider his purchase.

“That this campaign has stuck with Mr. Bakos for the better part of 40 years points to the brilliance of our marketing team, even though our gum loses all flavor within six minutes of popping in your mouth,” Williamson said. “Of course Mr. Bakos is more than welcome to purchase the Bubble Tape, but we think he’d best be served by enjoying it in the privacy of his own home, far away from the eyeballs of teenagers, children, and law enforcement, lest he look like an immature dipshit and be ridiculed in public.”

Behavioral psychologist Karen Morales notes that the questions Bakos is asking himself about his fondness for things intended for children are a rite of passage among Millennials.

“As we get older, time seems to pass more quickly,” Morales said. “And now as we’re seeing these ‘80s and ‘90s kids hit middle age, they start to panic when they do the math and figure out that ‘The Dark Knight’ is 20 years old, or that ‘Family Guy’ premiered when Bill Clinton was still in office. And don’t get me started on the damage Funko Pops have done. Seriously, no one should be able to buy anything featuring a character like fucking B.A. Baracus from a half-remembered TV show in the year 2025.”

At press time, the childless Bakos was seen scanning a bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets at the self-checkout, trying to remember if it had a commercial that excluded him from purchasing.

Incredible! Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” Enjoys Its 1,290th Consecutive Week at the Top of the Charts in Jacksonville

Posted on by Kyle Donley

To the rest of the world, Crazy Town were but one of many rap-rock one-hit wonders from the early ‘00s, their’s being the salacious, Red Hot Chili Peppers-sampling anthem “Butterfly”. However, to the fine townsfolk of Jacksonville, FL, one hit is all you need.

With a sweet refrain of “Come my lady, come come my lady”, the song has served as a rallying cry for Jacksonville’s weary and horny for nearly 25 years running, earning the Los Angeles-based band an unprecedented amount of Jacksonville-specific accolades, including a chocolate starfish on the Jacksonville Walk of Fame, statues of each band member on the front lawn of the capitol building, and their own dedicated wing in the Wet T-Shirt Museum & Educational Center.

Perhaps more impressive may be the 1,290 weeks “Butterfly” has spent at number #1 on the Jacksonville charts. While not entirely a sovereign nation, Jacksonville has fought hard as fuck for its freedom and has justly won the right to fully govern its own pop charts, as well as any Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. locations within county lines.

Insular and largely unexplored by the rest of the world, the ranking system measures songs based on more intangible metrics such as “fuckability”, “getting fucked-upability”, and “fuuuuuck yeah”. Needless to say, Crazy Town are The Beatles of “fuuuuuuck yeah”.

Beanis from “Beanis In the Morning” on 97.8 The Jack believes ultimately the song’s true staying power is its message. But when we asked him what he thought the message was, he was already firing up the grill and tossing us Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas. It was a pretty cool time.

However, with the tragic passing of frontman Shifty Shellshock this past year, commonly referred to as “Jacksonville’s 9/11”, this tight-knit community has been left to pick up the pieces, one tailgate at a time. A scholarship fund has been founded in Shifty’s name at DeVry University (White Palms Mall location only), and there’s even been talk of a Crazy Town reunion show. Per local sources, noted Jacksonville scientist Matt is close to perfecting a hologram of the singer by using a complex series of laser pointers and a dope-ass chest piece of Shifty’s face that his friend Kyle got.

With technology on their side and a booming belly button jewelry economy, Jacksonville remains a beacon of hope in an ugly, modern world where “Butterfly” is only played at strip clubs or from a construction worker’s portable JBL speaker. Maybe we could all learn something from this Crazy Town they call Jacksonville.