There are plenty of things I enjoy in life, but nothing gives me quite the thrill of feeling smart because I caught a reference. And of course, there’s the added satisfaction of knowing how much better I must be than the uncultured masses that clearly missed it. What a feeling. And I’ll tell you a close second: getting to tell people, “I’ve been there!” Sometimes it’s a scene in a movie, and you get to play GeoGuessr at home in front of your friends. Or better yet, when a song you’re listening to mentions a place you’ve been, and suddenly you get to talk about it and control the conversation for the entire car ride. Nothing will make me like a song faster. Unless it’s a Billy Joel song. (Listen to the playlist)
The Menzingers “Anna”
I used to live in Philadelphia, and I agree, Anna, you should come back! I mean, I don’t live there anymore, but maybe you should! There’s plenty of great stuff for you to return to. Did you know one of the guys from “Always Sunny” really has a bar there? And it’s slightly nicer than in the show. Also, “Law Abiding Citizen” was shot there. Oh, and there’s that beer garden in Fishtown. I saw Marc Summers do a live episode of “Double Dare” there, where he poured slime on drunk adults instead of kids. This excellent song is right, no excuse not to go back.
The Front Bottoms “Rhode Island”
This is probably the best song on the list because not only have I been to Rhode Island, but I’ve been to Florida too! And it’s absolutely true, Florida is a long way from Rhode Island. It took me 21 hours. It should have been 20, but my EZPass didn’t work in Florida at the time. They had some weird knockoff brand, so I had to pay cash while everyone else was breezing by. So take it from me, this song is 100% accurate about the distance part at least. That makes for a great song in my book.
Relient K “Savannah”
Actually, I don’t really like Relient K. Just the idea of Christian pop punk makes me cringe a little bit when I hear it. But I did live in Savannah once! And this song gives me an excuse to talk about that! So go ahead, ask me about it so I can take over the conversation and tell a semi-relevant story. Like one time a friend barfed on the corner of Abercorn and Oglethorpe at 10 a.m. because it was the St. Paddy’s Day parade, and he thought pregaming at 7 a.m. was a good idea. I know, pretty cool.
The Get Up Kids “Mass Pike”
Ah, phew, back to a good band! I grew up in Massachusetts, so I’ve driven on the Mass Pike plenty and therefore I like this song. But here’s the thing. Even if the Get Up Kids are a great band, they really need to come clean to Massachusetts natives. Between this and their single “A Newfound Interest in Massachusetts,” you might think they’re from Mass. Well, guess what, not even close! They’re from Kansas City! Know what’s even worse? Kansas City isn’t even in Kansas. I guess if I were from Missouri, I’d try to trick people into thinking I was from a great state like Massachusetts, so I kind of understand.
Orchid “Amherst Pandemonium, Pt. 2”
Orchid don’t have to trick people into thinking they’re from Massachusetts. And yes, I have been to Amherst. And I mean the real Amherst. Don’t tell me you’ve been to the Target in Hadley and act like you know the real Amherst. I’m talking about references only the locals would get, like that Mexican restaurant Bueno Y Sano, if that’s still around. Or giving directions based on where Bartucci’s used to be. You don’t know where that is? You start at Bueno Y Sano (which is good, I don’t care what J Mascis says), walk past Emily Dickinson’s grave, keep going, and you’ll find it. Anyway, the song doesn’t actually mention Amherst but it’s in the title and that’s close enough for me to get to talk about it. New Rule: The town being in the title counts.
Donovan Woods “Portland, Maine”
I’ve heard Tim McGraw doesn’t know where Portland, ME is either, but that guy’s been touring since the ’90s, so I don’t really believe him. I’m gonna take the word of the guy who wrote this song instead. And I like it, because I DO know where that is. And that makes me feel smart. And if you ask for a recommendation, I can tell you about the few places I’ve been to that were within walking distance of my hotel. So you should absolutely go to that one brewery that was next to the other brewery. And buy a very expensive bag made out of an old sail. And get a lobster at that place near the boats. Sorry Donovan if you don’t feel as smart as me, I’m just very cultured and well-traveled. And did I mention smart?
American Nightmare “Hearts”
The Eastern Prom! That was one of the places I could walk to from my hotel. It also had a brewery nearby. So definitely go to the brewery over there too. Donovan should call these guys. I bet they could help him find his long-lost love and maybe recommend some more breweries. I wonder if they even have their own IPA yet?
The Promise Ring “Nothing Feels Good”
Now this song makes me feel really smart. I do know East Texas from Louisiana because I flew to New Orleans once for a bachelor party and didn’t even realize it was Mardi Gras. Who knew? I’ve driven through Atlanta, so I know where that is too! I don’t know a ton about Alabama, but I could spot it on a map at least. I will admit I don’t know God or Billy Ocean personally, but I did make it all the way through college. So I am checking a lot of boxes here. Incredible song!
https://open.spotify.com/track/4vgiUA5KxlpT2N9ywQjKw7?si=7aa03a29cc264827
The Chariot “Forgive Me Nashville”
I’ve been to Nashville too! And this is probably the most iconic song written about that sleepy little town. So again, if you want to know things that were within walking distance of my hotel room, I can tell you about a pretty good chicken sandwich that was only a block away. Also, the NFL draft was there one time. They only seem semi-aware that they have their own football team. And there you go, that’s most of what I know. I’d be very happy to tell you or Josh Scogin all about it.
Godspeed You! Black Emperor “Providence”
I mentioned Rhode Island but not Providence specifically, so I feel it’s only fair to take a second pass here. This is a great song to play in the background, and it seems vaguely religious, which makes sense because Providence was actually founded as a refuge from religious persecution. And later, to avoid ridicule for using celery salt as a condiment. Everyone will tell you it’s a carcinogen, but there’s no way to make a hot wiener without it! So do get one at New York System when you’re in town. I know, it’s not a New York thing, it’s a Providence thing. We’ll get to New York later. This song is making me hungry.
Coheed and Cambria “Devil in Jersey City”
I don’t like to admit this, but I traveled to New Jersey intentionally once. I took a train from New York to Jersey City to visit a friend. We spent most of the day in a dank bar and drank too many beers. So I can’t say I know any more about Jersey than before I visited. But I could tell you about the inside of that bar. Mostly that the jukebox didn’t work. Also, this Coheed song might be about some Jersey City in space. I’m not sure. I mostly like the part at the beginning where he giggles and says “Shabütie.”
Taking Back Sunday “Miami”
I don’t really like beaches, hot weather, or Florida in general. A lot of bad stuff seems to happen there. But I’ve been to Miami a few times. It’s a great place to go if you like cigars. I don’t, but I’ve seen other people enjoy them. Even if you do like cigars, you probably have to stand next to a man who smells like cigars. And even if you do like cigars, you probably don’t like that, right? It just smells bad, objectively. Can anyone who likes cigars weigh in here? Anyway, this is a good song though. It’s got that guy from Breaking Pangea. Now there’s a good band, from Philly, where I’ve been. Still never been to Long Island, though.
The Movielife “Ship to Shore”
Oh wait, yes I have. I was driving through New Jersey, got totally lost, then finally realized I was actually in Long Island. It was terrifying. I was like, ‘Wait, why is everyone so weird all of a sudden?’ It was a little bit like being in Florida, but there are no palm trees for context. So I got out as fast as I could. They say “Long Island Sound is beautiful” in this song. I definitely wasn’t in that part. Oh wait, that was Staten Island.
Botch “Framce”
I have mot beem to Spaim, Japam, Vietmam, Afghamistam, or Micaragua but I have beem to Framce! Took the traim im from Lomdom. I wish we had more traims in the Umited States. It’d be mice. But yeah, spemt some time in Framce. Absolutely get a croissamt. Maybe some macaroms. I will say, you cam skip the Moma Lisa. It’s the size of a postage stamp and all you cam really see are cell phomes takimg pictures of it. For my momey, a hot weimer is a more importamt cultural experiemce.
I Am The Avalanche “Amsterdam”
After Paris, I headed up to Amsterdam. I did eventually figure out what “coffeeshop” means. I still haven’t figured out where to get a coffee, though. Since I couldn’t figure out the food, I headed to the museum. You know what you’re gonna love? The paintings there are big! No postage stamps. Rembrandt painted some big boys. So you can really get in there and see what’s going on. I wonder if da Vinci ever thought of that.
Sirens And Sailors “Born & Raised (Flower City)”
I went to a wedding in Rochester once. It was a long drive, but nice! You know what’s fun? The Kodak stuff, especially the George Eastman Museum. You’ll probably spend some time out front trying to figure out who that statue is: it’s Philip Seymour Hoffman. Check out the history of photography, sure, but definitely don’t miss the taxidermied elephant head on the wall in the living room part. I like to imagine old George wondering, “Is the gigantic severed elephant head a bit much? … Naw!” I’m surprised this song doesn’t mention that elephant head.
Manchester Orchestra (featuring Front Bottoms) “Allentown”
I saw The Front Bottoms in Allentown. God, what a sad place. As far as I can tell, the only thing they have is a semi-pro hockey team. I guess Billy Joel wrote about it once too, but this is about songs I like. And I understand that it’s weird that The Front Bottoms make it on the list twice. Well, they mention places a lot. You start writing songs about places I’ve been, and maybe you too can make the list.
Sufjan Stevens “Chicago”
I flew to Chicago for a job interview once. I ended up taking a different job, but I had a good time. I ordered a whole deep dish pizza on day one. It was way too much to eat, so I took back leftovers. I forgot to refrigerate them but still ate the leftovers three days later. And I lived! So I’d say Chicago is a city of miracles. Also, when are Sufjan’s other state albums coming out? This article would be a whole lot easier to write. 2025 maybe?
Microwave “Trash Stains”
Hey! I’ve been to Dunkin’ Donuts. Well, not in the dumpsters but I’ve been inside the store. And through the drive-thrus. I guess I don’t know the Dunkin’ he’s talking about, but if I had to guess, it’s probably the one between my house and the post office. That’s the good one. Don’t go to the one that’s closer to Wendy’s. Sorry, I mean the one by the good Wendy’s. That’s the bad Dunkin’. I don’t think there’s a Dunkin’ by the bad Wendy’s.
The Weakerthans “One Great City!”
I had a layover in Winnipeg once. I was on my way to Vancouver, where it seems like everything is just better. I’ve never heard a song with lyrics like “I Hate Vancouver.” But from what I could tell, the airport was nice. They have a thing called a “Tim Hortons,” which seems to be the name of a guy that serves you Dunkin’ Donuts.
Did you want all these songs in one convenient playlist? Good news:
This one is for the true OG goth sun-avoiders, the black-clad pale-skinned shut-ins who want to watch something in theme for the season but can’t even handle color in their movies.
The camp slasher entry of the Fear Street series offers the brutal gore of the genre tapered with the coziness of a Goosebumps novel. It’s weird. There is something uniquely jarring about hardcore violence written young-adult. One character is addicted to “drugs,” not any particular drug just drugs, literally a handful of cartoonishly colorful pills in all different shapes and sizes that she eats at random. Going from that after-school special-level reality to someone getting their head put through a meat slicer is kind of a strange ride.
A poignant reminder to stay inside all summer so you don’t get infected! Does the flesh-eating virus from this movie really exist? No, not yet, not to our knowledge anyway, but at one point no one thought Covid existed, and look what happened—Covid! Best to play things safe.
The first of several “Road trips are a super bad idea” movies on our list, “Tourist Trap” posits that you could fall victim to a telekinetic killer who uses their mind to puppet museum props into murdering you. Not the most likely scenario we admit, but hey, just to be safe, let’s spend the summer inside with the air conditioner blitzed on edibles instead.
This one is not for those who can’t handle ’70s pacing, but it’s noteworthy because the original look of Jason Voorhees was based on the killer in this movie, and it’s based on true events. So, to summarize, Jason is confirmed real. Makes you wonder why anyone goes outside, ever.
Who is the mysterious motorcycle killer terrorizing a Florida beach full of sinful teens? Well, it’s exactly who you think it is in the first like 10 minutes of the movie. It’s predictable, but still a uniquely stylized ’80s slasher and still no excuse to try dragging me to a real beach, where the sun lives.
Remember, when someone talks about roughing it in the woods to get away from “technology,” they mean getting away from everything separating you from the blades of creepy redneck inbred murder brothers. We’ll take the loud, bright, go-go pace of the modern world over that any day.
From what we can make out on social media the world is very much becoming one giant summer camp taken over by tough sadistic mean kids.
Thinking of beating the heat with a dip in the river? This movie will have you thinking again! As you’ll see, going anywhere near water could put you face to face with a fish THAT HAS ARMS AND LEGS! And then, something else could happen, with regular fish, and you’ll be like “Damn, I really wanna know the deal with that walking mutant fish, but I guess we gotta take care of this real fish problem first!” and then after an hour or so you’ll realize you’re never going to circle back to the mutant fish, it just happened and that’s it. Scary stuff.
The sleaziest entry in the Friday the 13th series ranks lowest on our list, but it’s still worth a watch. It features a copycat killer pretending to be Jason Voorhees killing everyone in sight, but where this one really stands apart is how the killer isn’t even the craziest character in the movie! Everyone in this film is an unbridled psychopath, reminding you that just because someone isn’t waving a machete around in a hockey mask doesn’t mean you should go out and hang with them.
It takes place during the summer and it’s undeniably one of the best gory horror movies ever made. The reason it doesn’t rank higher here is because it has less of a summer feel and more of a “face the trauma of your overbearing codependent mother” vibe. We prefer to binge our mommy-issue horror in early spring when the cherry blossoms bloom and the looming guilt trip of Mother’s Day starts to set.
AKA “Bloody PomPoms,” this movie features two things we like on paper, but never quite know what to do with—the sunny outdoors and women’s breasts.
When the sun is shining through your blinds and the birds are chirping and you find yourself tempted to peek your head out the door and see what vitamin D is like, just remember one word—graboids. Let Kevin Bacon deal with that shit, you stay inside where it’s safe.
This meta summer camp slasher/comedy isn’t quite as fun as it looks on paper but it has its moments and is overall a good time. Way more than you can say for actually camping.
No, we’re not saying they are both just as good, the original is better, don’t @ us. Honestly, we just didn’t want to have to write two “It” blurbs. It’s so hot out thinking hurts. Anyway, Pennywise is great, and kids on bikes, and nostalgia. All the feels, 5 stars. Passing out now.
Even punks partying it up in a graveyard at night aren’t safe from the horrors of summer.
This mid-tier ’80s slasher inspired by the legend of Cropsy doesn’t re-invent the wheel or anything but it’s a surprisingly competent reminder that the people you hear outside cracking wise around a fire pit are all doomed made on a very small budget, so it deserves props.
Nothing says good bad movie like John Saxon and Burt Young. Not to be confused with the motorcycle killer film “Nightmare Beach” (also starring Saxon,) “Blood Beach” deals with a sand-dwelling creature that pulls beachgoers underground and eats them in a conveniently low-budget effect. We know such creatures don’t actually exist, but they are a solid metaphor for the very real horrors waiting for you at Venice Beach or the Santa Monica Pier.