Man Wishes He Was Dumb Enough to Be Happy All the Time

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local highly-observant man Gavin Wells recently started to sincerely wish he was dumb enough to experience genuine happiness, multiple friends confirmed.

“Every day I’m having anxiety attacks from the endless stream of news about mass shootings, Moms For Liberty, and old high school acquaintances trying to trick me into crypto schemes. But I had an epiphany while I was doom scrolling: were I just 10 or 15 IQ points dumber, I might lack the media literacy and common sense to know everything’s fucked,” said Wells. “I’d be so much happier if I liked Top 40 radio and commented on pictures of Instagram models like I had a chance with them. Would it have killed my mom to smoke or drink for a few weeks while I was in utero?”

While most of Wells’ friends encouraged him to not be so hard on himself, others suggested he put the world’s problems out of his mind.

“Gav’s issue is that he needs to just flat out ignore negativity at all costs. The other day he was telling me about how stressed he was over Putin plotting to take over Ukraine, and I was like wait, the guy who’s friends with Steven Segal? Being out of the loop kicks ass, I’m out here living my best life,” said Allen Pierson. “I think all that college learning he did rewired his brain to think too critically. I literally just look at Minions memes all day, those little dudes are hysterical. And if you need someone to quote Ace Ventura with, I’m your guy.”

Researchers who’ve spent decades studying the correlation between intelligence and mood noted the data all pointed to one conclusion.

“There already existed anecdotal evidence that people with lower intelligence were generally happier, and they were referred to as ‘village idiots.’ Today though, willful stupidity is running rampant,” said cultural anthropologist Bryce Townsend. “I mean we’d all love to exist in a frame of mind thinking trickle-down economics works and Vin Diesel is a good actor, but this is the same thinking pattern of people who aren’t alarmed when it’s 70 degrees in January. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of them, because collecting data on the downfall of society is depressing as hell.”

Wells was reportedly in better spirits after finding that he could replicate the feeling of perpetual blissful ignorance by listening to Theo Vonn podcasts while huffing paint.

How To Support Your Friend During Their Raw Denim Phase

Posted on by Carson Kile

You knew this was going to happen. You saw the signs, you were aware of the risks. You found the “sea salt” scented body washes, you watched them linger in the brimmed hat section of the department store, you witnessed the switch from Camels to American Spirits. And now, as you listen to them talk about how they wore their jeans in a hot bath to have them “form to their legs,” your greatest fears have been realized. Your friend is in their “raw denim” phase.

The best thing to do in this situation is not to panic, or try to “fix” them. Now more than ever, your friend needs your help. As someone who has seen a few friends lose their footing and slide into the deep end of the un-sanforized abyss, here are a few tips to support your friend during their raw denim phase.

1. Constantly reassure them their jeans look good.

Within a month of wearing stinky, dirty jeans, your friend will inevitably come up to you and point out barely visible creases in inconspicuous places on their legs: behind the knees, the crotch, the back pocket where they’ve shoved an unopened Copenhagen tin. At this point, make sure to use affirming language, like: “Yes, your ‘honeycombs’ ARE looking totally sweet,” and “Your ‘whiskers’ ARE the perfect size! No, no, the really big ones scare me, promise!”

2. Take the odor situation into your own hands.

Your friend will surely be wearing the jeans every day while refusing to wash them, and pretty soon there will be a sweaty, pungent elephant in the room that will become impossible to ignore. Your friend has become absolutely nose-blind to this powerful musk, so the best thing to do is wait until they’ve fallen asleep whacking off to “Fade of the Day” forums all night and spraying Lysol in the jeans yourself, and maybe even on your disgusting friend too, for good measure.

3. Create a routine.

Raw denim hobbyists can sometimes find it overwhelming to be a functioning member of society. I mean, these are the same types of people who cringe at the idea of having to wash your clothes. So, creating a routine can simplify life for them. Every morning, have them bust out 10 deep squats with the pants on, put on their bolo tie, and kiss the framed picture of James Dean on their wall before heading out. This removes any critical thinking from their daily life that could overheat their brain or cause them to second-guess their life choices.

Raw denim is a phenomenon that captures the hearts of millions of quarter-lifers every year who want to cosplay as a 1950s greaser, so just know that there are plenty of others who are empathetic to your situation. Remember, this little obsession will pale in comparison to their inevitable cowboy boot phase, so enjoy it while it lasts.

Modern Day Country Singer Visits Folsom Prison to Advocate for Harsher Sentencing

Posted on by Matt Husser

FOLSOM, Calif. — Country singer Carlson Swagger brought his cowboy bootlickin’ brand of lawful country music to Folsom Prison today where he performed only for law enforcement while advocating for harsher sentencing for the prisoners, sources confirmed.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone except the criminal scum who deserve to rot behind bars, who’s ready for some law abidin’ tunes from the heartland? Johnny Cash once visited this very stage with his brand of outlaw country, but I’m here for something a little different: the red, the white, and to back the blue,” shouted Swagger, before breaking into his hit song “I Walk the Thin Blue Line.” “But before I get out of here, I wanna dedicate my next song to all the hardworking Americans busting their asses every day to raise the mandatory minimums for misdemeanor drug possession and keep our prisons full—you’re the real heroes. This one’s called ‘Do the Petty Crime, Serve the Max Time.’”

Clarence Daniels, a prisoner serving a life sentence at Folsom Prison, recalled how Swagger’s performance deviated from the legendary concert performed by Johnny Cash.

“When they canceled our time in the yard because this Swagger fella was coming through I had high hopes we’d enjoy another great show like Mr. Cash put on in ‘68, but I knew we were in for a long day when he started singing ‘I like my convicts like my KFC: extra crispy,’” said Daniels, recalling what he could hear through the cell walls. “I didn’t get to leave my cell all day, then the guards came back wearing concert t-shirts all singing some bullshit love song called ‘Sweet Little Miss Demeanor Ain’t Walkin’ the Streets No More.’”

Meanwhile, prison guard Stephen Capella proclaimed that he thoroughly enjoyed the show, and was still humming catchy lyrics like “I falsified the evidence, just to watch a criminal fry” hours later.

“You know it’s always ‘Fuck the Police’ with these musicians types, but nobody writes songs celebrating the vital role that prison guards play in society. Thankfully, Swagger really captured the pure joy you get from dragging a convict to solitary confinement with ‘Folsom Prison Screws,’” said Capella, admiring his autographed baton. “Not only that, he generously agreed to donate a percentage of his album sales to lobby for more prison beds for non-violent offenders in Sacramento County!”

At press time, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice had announced that Swagger would headline their next death row execution.

Showoff? This Guy is Washing Both His Hands After Using the Bathroom

Posted on by Dom Turek

Lately it seems the world is increasingly full of self-righteous dickheads dropping subtle hints as to how I should live my life. Whether it be my wife flossing next to me twice a day or my coworker who always covers his face when he sneezes, these virtue signalers are clearly only doing this to keep up appearances, as I can find no other logical explanation for this level of gloating.

The “look at me” culture has even spread to our public bathrooms. Though it may seem like an innocuous place, look closely and the Regal Cinemas men’s room is full of showboating.

During one of my last visits, I had just finished taking a two-flush dump when the man at the sink next to me washed his hands so vigorously that I ended up with some of his suds on me. I wanted to say, “Chill out man, there are no ladies to impress here,” that is unless this theater has become one of those gender-fluid bathrooms where anyone is free to come in and shame me for having a little pee on my hands, and a lot of pee on my jeans.

Call me old-fashioned, but I cannot imagine a situation just short of gutting a fish that would require me to wash both hands. Even after pounding a family-sized bag of Doritos half-asleep in the middle of the night, or dealing with the lavatory aftermath of Elk Tavern’s spicy wing night, I’ve only ever had to wash one hand. Similar to the justice system, why would I send both hands to jail when only one is guilty of a crime?

Just when I thought this guy at Regal couldn’t be more of a braggart, I saw steam rising from the sink like a pot of Sunday soup. Hot water and soap? You’d think this man was prepping for the most important surgery of his medical career but no, he’s just prepping to dive into some Sno-caps and a medium-sized popcorn. At this point, he might as well strip down naked and ask me to give him a sponge bath.

To my disbelief, he finished his performance with a trip to a hand dryer, a mechanism I’ve only ever used to dry my shoes after an impromptu rain storm. It says right on the sign that only employees have to wash their hands, but he couldn’t help himself from flexing on me. He’s no better than the other show-offs who obey yield signs and don’t smoke on airplanes.

Photo by Jesse Rhodes.

Polls Show J.D. Vance Performing Favorably Among Men Who Think the Bartender Is Flirting With Them

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Ohio senator and vice presidential hopeful J.D. Vance is enjoying a high favorability rating from men who misconstrue the routine fulfillment of job duties by bartenders for flirting, according to a recent independent poll.

“J.D. Vance? Oh yeah, he’s great,” reported bar patron Robert Carruthers. “I love what he’s said about childless women wanting everyone to be miserable because they’re in fact miserable themselves. I actually mentioned that to the bartender a few minutes ago, hoping that she would understand how much more fulfilled she would be if she settled down and started a family with a nice guy like me. She glanced at me and asked if I needed another Miller Lite, so she’s definitely interested. She’ll have to get rid of that septum piercing, though. I’ll have to make that her first wifely duty.”

Vance himself was overjoyed to hear of his popularity amongst this subpopulation.

“This is yet another victory in the fantastic run we’ve been having towards making me the next vice president,” the senator said. “While I don’t support women in the workplace I do know it’s common knowledge that a bartender smiling at you and asking what you want to drink is a clear sign that she’s got the hots for you romantically, and if she makes polite small-talk with you about the weather, you might as well marry her on the spot and turn her into an honest woman. I’m not at all surprised that the men in this country who are smart enough to understand this also know that I’m much better suited for the job than Tim Walz. Obviously, we’ve all seen that he has absolutely zero political draw compared to me.”

Political strategist Isabel Rivera was confused about Vance’s takeaway from these findings.

“This shouldn’t even need to be said, but having an avid following of socially backward rejects who view women as babymaking machines is not a recommended campaign strategy,” Rivera remarked. “Given comments that Vance has both made and doubled-down on, I’m not surprised, but at some point he’s going to have to use rhetoric that’s at least slightly less repugnant and pathetic if he wants to expand his appeal. He can’t ride the coattails of the literal cult his running mate started forever.”

At press time, the Vance campaign was celebrating a new poll showing his favorability among grown men who become incensed at the nationalities of characters in children’s movies.

“Did Edward Scissorhands Perform His Own Circumcision?” and Other Questions We Were Planning To Ask Tim Burton Before He Walked out of Our Interview

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Here at the Hard Times, it’s not like we get to interview a film visionary very often. We’re just a small-time punk news website, so when the opportunity to sit down with legendary director Tim Burton came along, we just had to pounce. After all, the guy is seen as an absolute pioneer in modern goth culture. This was the most promising moment of our careers, and we’re big enough to admit that we completely fucked the dog on this one.

Like, we royally blew it, to the point where we got a half hour into the interview before realizing we had even forgotten to record it. It’s not pretty, but here’s what we were able to salvage:

Tim Burton: “— directed or produced over 20 films AND I’ve just received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, yet the entirety of this interview has been focused solely on the anatomy of one of my characters from a movie that came out 34 years ago. Did you even watch it? How, and if, he performed certain bodily functions isn’t the fucking point.”

The Hard Times: “We’re sorry, Mr. Burton, and we promise we’ve seen MOST of the movie. Granted it was decades ago, on TBS, but we’re pretty sure we got the gist of it. We’ve just been plagued with these questions ever since, and —”

TB: “‘Beetlejuice Beetlejuice’ just came out in theaters. It’s the sequel to arguably my biggest work, and it’s been hotly anticipated by millions for over 30 years. I’m currently on a press tour for it, which is the reason I agreed to this interview in the first place. Were you going to ask me about it?”

HT: “Oh shit, you directed ‘Beetlejuice?’”

TB: “Jesus Christ.”

HT: “Wow, that’s really interesting. Now that we know this, we actually have some questions about the mating habits of those big sandworms. How would they —”

TB: “Forget it, I’m done with this interview.”

At that point, he just stood up and walked out of our offices, which kind of left us hanging considering how much we still wanted to ask him. Here’s a (by no means exhaustive) list of the outstanding questions we had:

– Was Edward Scissorhands circumcised? If so, did he perform the procedure himself? He seemed pretty capable with those scissors, and we sincerely doubt he had health insurance, so it would’ve been a total money-saver.

– How was Edward Scissorhands able to safely hold his penis while urinating?

– Was masturbation just completely off the table for Edward Scissorhands, or had Vincent Price’s character constructed some sort of device for him?

– Testicular self-exams are important, yet the thought of Edward Scissorhands conducting one is a fucking nightmare. Why was this dilemma not explored in the film?

Oh well, we’re going to look on the bright side here and take this as a learning experience. At least we know now that the questions we have planned for our upcoming interview with David Cronenberg need A LOT of rework.

Green Day Reveals “American Idiot” More Specifically About Time Tré Cool Ate Big Plate of Lasagna and Didn’t Wait 30 Minutes Before Going in Pool

Posted on by Bobby Korec

RODEO, Calif — Bay Area punk band Green Day revealed that their 2004 release “American Idiot” was more specifically a concept album about the time drummer Tré Cool ate a large serving of lasagna and didn’t wait at least 30 minutes before going in the pool, confirmed sources who had a hunch that’s what it meant.

“As you may already know, all of our albums have themes to them,” said singer Billie Joe Armstrong. “‘Dookie’ is about stepping in dog crap as soon as you walk outside and how that ruins your day, ‘Warning’ is about us knowing the exact events of September 11th a year before it actually happened and alerting everyone about it through song, and ‘American Idiot’ is about the time Tré had a lethal combination pasta, ricotta cheese, and Ragu sauce and immediately jumped into the pool upon completion. We’ve been calling him the American Idiot ever since that incident. In fact, ‘Nimrod’ was also about Tré doing the same thing. That man can’t get enough Italian food and water-based activities.”

Fans of the band were excited to finally understand what the record was all about.

“I always suspected ‘American Idiot’ had a deeper meaning, but I was just never 100% sure. Kind of just thought it was about masturbation, like much of their previous work,” said longtime fan Jason Abbigal. “The song ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’ actually makes sense now, because pool parties generally cease at the end of that month. Either way, every time I listen to a new album I need to know precisely what it stands for, and now I can finally enjoy ‘American Idiot’ to its full extent.”

Music historian Grace Tennenbaum was well-aware that the content on these kinds of releases can surprisingly be quite mundane.

“Concept albums have always been highly specific in ways that are completely underwhelming when you find out,” said Tennenbaum. “For instance, Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ is about applying drywall correctly. Coheed and Cambria’s ‘In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3’ explores the mating rituals of gophers. And the Beach Boys’ ‘Pet Sounds’ is about plain old beastiality. It’s probably better if we didn’t know any of this.”

At press time, Green Day revealed that they were working on a new album about the time bassist Mike Dirnt had too much Chipotle and was in the bathroom for a good 45 minutes.

Ten Underrated Moon Ska Records Albums to Listen to Next Time You Go Fedora Shopping

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Ska may be a punchline to some, but to us it’s also a punchline. Still, there are some high quality ska bands that deserve notoriety, and we’re here to highlight some that you rudeboys and girls may or may not know about… If you’re aware of any of these, you have porkpie hat cred. Basically, Moon Ska Records led the pack from their inception in 1983 until 2000 when pretty much every single ska band attempted to distance themselves from the then-dreaded word by substituting upstrokes and horns with keys. It made sense at the time, but these acts were still sadly pigeonholed to many as ska or ska-adjacent so few took off and most split up. For this piece bands like The Toasters, Spring Heeled Jack, The Pietasters, and Dance Hall Crashers are disqualified from entry as they are too large to be considered underrated.

The Adjusters “Before the Revolution” (1998)

Get off of your seat and let’s start skanking to the beat: If you like your portions of ska with about a million band members, complex carbohydrates, plant-based protein, and deep dish pizza/casserole then boy do we have the band/album for you! Chicago, Illinois’ The Adjusters’ sophomore full-length album “Before the Revolution” is a fantastic sequel to their debut LP “The Politics of Style,” which was released on Jump Up! Records. Soul and ska make an awesome pairing just like the aforementioned The Pietasters, and The Adjusters showcase such with style and finesse! People do make the world go round, and the band’s loose roots made them a welcome addition to any ska-tinged bill. Sadly the band split in 2003, the year their third record, the gloriously named “Otis Redding Will Save America” was released.

The Allstonians “Go You!” (1994)

Boston, Massachusetts is usually known for insufferable accents and random fist fights on the street, but if you manage to namedrop their city’s ska act The Allstonians more frequently than you do global sensations The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, then “go you,” this piece is for you. If not, it’s all good, we still have a hell of a hat as a consolation prize. Like The Adjusters and so many more ska acts, The Allstonians have had many, many band members from their inception in 1992 until they closed shop shortly after Donald Trump got elected. If you only pick one song from this full-length studio album to take a gander at on Spotify, try “Mariachi Go Ska!” and help get it to 200,000 streams or multi-platinum status; as of press time, it currently sits atop their popular song list at 178,200.

The Bluebeats “Dance With Me” (1996)

Easily the album listed here with the friendliest and most welcoming title, the state of New York’s The Bluebeats, featuring the former lead singer of the yet to be mentioned The Scofflaws, Mike Drance, goes the traditional ska route in style. “Dance With Me,” The Bluebeats’ debut full-length studio album sure has a lot of songs with the word “me” in their respective titles, but somehow is endearing enough to not be narcissistic. So come on, babies, let us see your pretty smiles whilst listening to this LP… It’s difficult NOT to grin to this record so don’t get too crazy. Also, fans of fellow Moon Ska Records acts Laurel Aitken and Hepcat will truly enjoy “Dance With Me” front to back with generous sides of well pressed suits and dancing shoes.

Edna’s Goldfish “The Elements of Transition” (1999)

Long Island, New York’s Edna’s Goldfish may have had a silly name AND a CD release show without a CD present for their debut full-length studio album, “Before You Knew Better” via Moon Ska’s subsidiary label, Ska Satellite Records, but their follow-up sophomore album “The Elements of Transition” is where they really came into their own while simultaneously paying homage to the genre as the band incorporated new influences. The album’s single “Veronica Sawyer” became an anthem for the area codes 516, 631, and beyond, and even got showcased by the then-influential MTV show “120 Minutes’. Fun fact: Non-Moon Ska Records act that you love or hate, hate, Reel Big Fish paid tribute to the song quite well on their 2009 cover album “Fame, Fortune and Fornication,” which also featured RBF ska-punk versions of John Mellencamp, Van Morrison, Toots and the Maytals, and The English Beat tunes.

Memphiskapheles “God Bless Satan” (1994)

If you requested your ska multi-course dinner with a generous side of Satan, the hilariously and scarily named Memphiskapheles will make you hail below. Fronted by Andre A. “The Nubian Nightmare” Worrell, and usually containing a plethora of musicians, “God Bless Satan” tows the line at being quite critically acclaimed to dorks the world over and unknown for all others. If you caught the band rocking Irving Plaza in NYC in 1998 with ska-punk peers The Suicide Machines and Telegraph, and one of the more underrated punk bands Limp without the Bizkit, you were treated to a show that felt like heaven, but was literally created in hell. In closing, try to find a more fun and raucous ska cover than Memphiskapheles’ vivid interpretation in musical form of “The Bumblebee Tuna Song”; we are still waiting.

Ruder Than You “Horny For Ska” (1996)

Don’t judge a book by its cover or an album by its title or, uh, cover. Opening with a Black Sabbath classic is a bold move for any band in any genre, but Nittany Lions are often strong with their athletics and their blind allegiance to the now-disgraced Joe “JoePa” Paterno, so it didn’t come as THAT much of a surprise. Formed in State College, Pennsylvania, Ruder Than You relocated to Philadelphia and took the East Coast ska scene by storm for those in the know, yo, yet still managed to be considered underrated by the general public and definitely you, unless they aren’t. “Horny For Ska” also has some solid hip-hop influences for your Uncle Albert who loves Public Enemy, and that is NOT a Misskaculation; we’ll see ourselves out even though we didn’t come up with that pun.

The Scofflaws “Self-Titled” (1991)

The oldest entry listed in this piece from another Long Island band, specifically Huntington, The Scofflaws, is a fun listen front to back in self-titled glory from the year that grunge broke, and not the three-four month period that ska was on top in the mid-90s. Who would’ve thought that they’d be one of two for 1998’s Ska-Lo-Ween opening for Reel Big Fish, a band you likely hate but they freaking shred, in a Sam Ash parking lot near Roosevelt Field mall on LI? Not you! Anyway, The Scofflaws may be the biggest band listed here, but ask a casual Sublime, No Doubt, or even Goldfinger fan to name three songs from the band, and you won’t be surprised with the nil results. This is the second and last of two entries to feature vocalist Mike Drance. Party on, Mike. Party on, Drance.

Skavoovie and the Epitones “Fat Footin’” (1995)

Now we’re at the portion of this piece wherein we list the first of three bands starting with the letters “S” and “K,” even though the last entry was a cheat code with “S” and “C,” but we’ll let it slide: Massachusetts’ Skavoovie and the Epitones survived the wackiest or second wackiest band name next to Memphiskapheles in this piece, and their sophomore full-length studio album “Fat Footin’” not only contains amazing melodies, but it has an apostrophe; what more do you want? Like a lot of other acts listed above, Skavoovie and the Epitones have a large number of band members, which makes sense given their, wait for it, BIG band influences… Skavoovie and the Epitones literally buy what they’re selling! Sadly, the band had a short run from 1994, when ska was about to rise, to 1999, when it certainly fell down.

Skinnerbox “What You Can Do, What You Can’t” (1997)

If you hung out in the dredges of a pre-gentrified St. Marks Place in New York City in the mid-’90s, you already have a Skinnerbox t-shirt, but if you didn’t, we doubt that you know of the band, UNLESS you’re a hardcore King Django fan, which you aren’t. The band’s fourth full-length studio album “What You Can Do, What You Can’t” is their lone Moon Ska Records release, and our favorite from the band. If you aren’t old enough to register for the American military, or buy stupid cigarettes, we do not give you permission to view its lude/crude album cover. We know that you will comply with this request, and we respect you for doing so… Things get out of hand! Regardless of whether you’re Stubborn or not, the band had a more than solid nine year run, and we’d love to hear from them again this century.

The Skoidats “The Times” (1997)

Let’s close this out with a cool anti-racist Skinhead but non-Bonehead racist ska band, Helena, Montana’s The Skoidats! This band had the shortest run of all bands in this piece at just under two years, but definitely quite an impact for those in the know. One may not associate the state of Montana with upstrokes and checkers, but The Skoidats avoided all stereotypes for such, and their beefy multi-genre sound that appeals to both fans of The Business and The Slackers. “The Times” is an enjoyable listen despite the fact that it isn’t on streaming platforms such as Spotify, but you sleuths can find it if you work really hard. In closing, check out The Skoidats and the nine underrated acts we listed above. Ska-lom!

Ska Cinderella Presented With Pair of Glass Checkered Vans

Posted on by Sara Božin

LOS ANGELES – Local ska enthusiast Claudia Lopez was given a surprise pair of checkered Vans made out of glass to wear to an upcoming music festival, enchanted sources report.

“You know how there’s always that one older person who hangs out at house shows, and you’re not really sure what their story is or where they came from? Well, I think that kindly old crone was my fairy godmother all along,” said Lopez excitedly, as she tried the Vans on and admired them in her bedroom mirror. “She gave me these shoes to wear to the festival, and some other magic stuff. Only thing is the spell wears off by midnight, and that might be a problem because I don’t think any of the bands will have gone on by then. Still, it was really cool of her.”

Brunhilde the Good Fairy of the North, a mystical being who likes to attend local ska shows for some reason, confirmed that she was the one who blessed Lopez with the magical gift.

“Claudia seems like a nice kid. The thing with the rats hanging around her sort of threw me at first, but I just assumed she was a crust punk. I thought she might appreciate my limited edition set of Vans that I’ve never really worn,” explained North, while casually levitating. “Even though part of the reason I gave them to her was because I just didn’t feel like making a trip to drop them off at Goodwill, I didn’t want her to think that. So I may have overcompensated a bit by going extra hard with the magic.”

Lopez’s oddly rat-like designated driver for the evening Mr. Crumbs weighed in on the fairy tale events.

“As someone who is clearly a normal human person, I can imagine getting a glass pair of shoes probably is not something that happens often,” said Crumbs bewilderedly, while licking both his hands and then using them to groom his mustache. “But frankly, I do not know what it is like to wear shoes. I also do not know how to drive a car. Don’t worry about it.”

At press time, Lopez was reportedly asked to change shoes by security due to the music festival not allowing glass inside the venue.

Guidance Counselor Suggests Students Check Out His Ska Band

Posted on by Ryan Danley

PITTSBURGH — Greenwood High School Guidance Counselor Ben Harkins is facing allegations of promoting his newly formed ska band to students instead of providing information on college and career opportunities, prompting concerns among parents and school administrators.

“As a guidance counselor, I need to stay connected with the interests of the youth. No one wants to be counseled by someone stuck in the classic rock era. That’s why I started ‘The SKAlers,’ knowing it would resonate with the students. Kids love ska,” said Harkins from his office near the cafeteria. “Some parents don’t see the value of ska, but its multicultural elements offer more than what students might get in those so-called social studies classes. How could I not invite them to our all-ages show at the Greenwood Community Center on Friday night? Would you like a flier?”

While Harkins’ intentions appear to be innocent, Student President Dawn Gaviette believes that discussions about ska should be moderated.

“I used to appreciate Mr. Harkins; he was considered one of the more approachable faculty members. However, since he started his Ska band, it’s become the sole topic of conversation, and it’s noticeably changed his demeanor. The other day, I went into his office to discuss my SAT scores, and he was wearing a fedora. How am I supposed to take a guy in a fedora seriously?” said Gaviette. “When I asked him about potential career paths, he began discussing how Gwen Stefani wasn’t into ska when No Doubt first started. I’m not sure how that relates to my career plans, and honestly, I’m questioning if No Doubt even qualifies as a ska band.”

As concerns from students and parents increase, GHS Principal Dr. Sam Whitley urges everyone to stay calm and assures that he has the situation under control.

“As an administrator, I’ve always encouraged my teachers to have outside interests that enrich their relationships with students, but there’s a time and place for everything, I had to draw the line at Mr. Harkins’ suggestion to incorporate ‘skanking’ into our P.E. program,” said Dr. Whitley. “After discussing the significant student complaints and the walkout triggered by the Ska talk, we reached a mutual understanding. If you’d like to discuss this further, join me at Roscoe’s Bar on Saturday night, where I spin Rockabilly vinyl.”

Harkins was maybe available for further comments, but he was in a heated debate with another guy about the 4th wave, and we didn’t want to deal with that.