Fred Durst Begins Ghost Story, “On a Dark and Stormy Night, When Everything Was Fucked and Everybody Sucked…”

Posted on by Courtney Hill

MT. POCONO, Penn. — Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst recently crashed a Halloween campout and borrowed a bit of his own poetry to launch into a ghost story, sources ‘round the bonfire reported.

“Some buddies and I were on a camping trip when there was a rustle from the woods,” Casey Morehouse explained while dousing embers with bong water. “Then we heard a belch and a fart at the same time and suddenly Fred Durst came tumbling out of the bushes like, ‘Whazzah ya’ll halloweenisses!? You want a ghost story?? Aight, check it— On a dark and stormy night, when everything was fucked and everybody sucked, there was a ghost who couldn’t say why but wanted to justify ripping someone’s head off.’ It started strong but then got kind of confusing. The ghost was part of some murder-for-hire plot, then went around punching people in the face just for talking and ultimately wound up harvesting someone’s skin with a chainsaw. For the big scare at the end Durst was like, ‘and the ghost was ME!’ and we were like, ‘Yeah, no shit.’”

Contrary to assumption, Durst himself clarified that the tale was not just drunkenly made up on the spot.

“Na dog, it’s been in the fam for generations… through the oral tradition,” Durst snickered. “The story has many versions cuz really it’s a metaphor for symbolism and shit. Like the ghost is mad dope, but the world got mad haters so to earn that respect the ghost has to climb out of a giant toilet. Sometimes the ghost just wants to crowd surf on some plywood but the world can’t hear him cuz the microphone’s broke. The scariest one is when everyone thinks the ghost is gone forever, but then it reappears and abducts Halle Berry to a psych ward just to film himself licking her chin. It’s relatable cuz we’re all the ghost.”

Professor of lyricology Dalton Norshank pointed out that this was no isolated incident.

“Hard rockers are always repurposing their own work to add to the Halloween spirit,” Norshank said while cataloging his toenail clippings. “Ozzy has started countless ghost stories with the rhetorical question ‘what is this that stands before me?’ Kerry King has been banned from speaking at any Halloween parade in the country ever since the Dead Skin Mask incident. Billy Corgan has a short yet stirring Halloween classic: ‘This killer in me is the killer in you. The end.’”

At press time, Durst remained lost in the woods asking fellow hikers if they knew which way was straight.

Are You Turning Into a Vampire or Just Simultaneously Horny and Hungry?

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Now that we’re in the throes of Spooky Season, it can be so easy to be caught up in the festivities you forget about your personal health and safety. You might go out to a Halloween bar crawl one Friday night and have a little too much fun, only to wake up the next day to find the sun through the blinds might actually kill you and experience excruciating hunger pangs. Now you’re starting to second guess if the couple that liked your vibe last night weren’t actually dressed as characters from “True Blood”. Since time may be running out, here are some handy questions to determine if you’re turning into a vampire or just horny and hungry.

Q: Does hypoglycemia run in your family?
Low blood sugar could explain the paleness and feeling weak, but they’re also boilerplate characteristics of vampire life. Another good question to ask is if you’re having a diabetic episode, is your go-to snack chocolate or are you desperate enough to suck the blood out of a rat in public?

Q: Are you experiencing an unslakable craving for blood?
This is the best place to start because if you’ve not been recruited into the army of the undead, you could just be low on iron. Now might be a good time to shotgun text all your Tinder connections for an intimate steakhouse dinner date. If the bloodlust remains after housing a 32 oz. prime rib and the handjob in the Uber afterward, do the right thing and tell your date to RUN.

Q: Can you turn into a bat?
Just checking! But if you said yes, know that the Catholic Church is probably hunting you as you read this.

Q: What’s your opinion on garlic?
If you find yourself salivating at the intoxicating scent of cooking garlic, chances are you are simply hungry or possibly Italian. But many benefits of the natural vampire repellent DO align with vampire superpowers such as boosting strength, extending life longevity, and being an aphrodisiac. It all comes down to the last time you had bolognese or let someone bite you during sex.

Q: Go rub one out, we’ll wait.
Now that you have some post-nut clarity, has your insatiable lust been quenched or do you still have a bloody orgy on the brain? If you’re feeling the latter, split the difference and hit up a local brunch spot and rizz up a bachelorette party while drinking one of those Bloody Mary’s where they stack half the appetizer menu on top of it. And if that doesn’t work, you at least can look forward to amassing a polycule of undead concubines to solve the horniness problem at least.

Halloween Party Struggles to Power Through All Nine Minutes of “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local Halloween party attendees were seen struggling to make it through all nine and a half minutes of “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by goth band Bauhuas after host Darkwave-DJ Max Pendleton put it on, according to sources who just wanted to dress slutty and get drunk.

“I was into it for, like, the first 90 seconds but then minutes went by and it was still just like strumming,” said attendee Erin Fields, while waiting to use the bathroom for the second time before the song ended. “Then I was like… this is still happening. Is it going to stop? Everyone was looking around at one another, like, is someone going to say something? By the eighth minute, most of us were screaming at [Max] to switch to another song. Some left, others were looking at their phones, while others pretended to be engrossed in beer bottle labels.”

Pendleton, however, refused to skip the track no matter how much they complained.

“BLG is all about the vibe and the atmosphere it creates. I was setting a specific mood for the party. I thought people would appreciate that,” Pendleton explained, adjusting his black velvet cape even though he wasn’t dressed as a vampire. “It’s a classic, quintessential Hallowen track. Timeless. Iconic. Mysterious. People need to experience it in its entirety to fully get into the Halloween spirit, you know? Plus, it just went so well after eight and a half minutes of The Cure’s ‘Disintegration.’”

Dr. Meredith Collins, a professor of music history at Eastman School of Music, explained this all too common phenomenon.

“People love to throw ‘Bela Lugosi’s Dead’ on their Halloween playlists because it feels like a necessary Halloween track, but they always forget just how long, tedious, and monotonous it really is,” Collins explained. “It’s almost ten minutes of eerie nothingness that drags on, which is great for introspection when you’re writing the screenplay for an A24 horror movie, but it’s definitely not suited for a lively party. By the time you hit minute five, guests are usually staring at the floor, wondering when, if ever, it will end.”

As of press time, Pendleton’s party officially cleared out when the very next track was the seven-minute long “Love You To Death” by Type O Negative.

Top 30 Radiohead Songs That Would Financially Ruin the Kidz Bop Franchise If They Covered Them

Posted on by Bobby Korec

On the surface, it seems like Radiohead and Kidz Bop are a match made in musical hell. But if you dig a little deeper, you realize it could actually be worse than that. The crossover could open a portal to a world where both entities are forced to shut down their operations indefinitely. To avoid these realities colliding and causing a cultural embolism, we’ve compiled the 30 Radiohead songs that would economically devastate the Kidz Bop franchise. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. (Nice Dream) (1995)

If Kidz Bop can make any Radiohead track work, it’d be an older song before the band discovered the beautifully rhythmic and harmonious sounds of laptops. However, Thom’s mumbling vocals don’t quite fit the Kidz Bop format. If we know anything about kids, it’s that they’re always screaming in public.

29. Codex (2011)

Perhaps the most depressing song on the list, “Codex” will just make kids worried about the mental state of the band. We need to let children be children and wait as long as possible to tell them about the existence of Thom Yorke.

28.Kid A (2000)

Radiohead did not release any singles for the “Kid A” album. If they didn’t have any confidence in their breakthrough record that changed the game for musicians who want to be weird around the world, surely Kidz Bop fans won’t.

27. All I Need (2007)

The main problem with Radiohead is that they never consider how their songs would come across when sung by a bunch of fourth graders. Perhaps Thom isn’t the musical genius we thought he was.

26. There, There (2003)

There’s just something so eerily soothing to the music in this one. But don’t let that fool you. It’s still capable of monetarily ruining your successful compilation franchise. This is probably why Punk-O-Rama stayed away from Radiohead too.

25. True Love Waits (2016)

Judging by the lyrics, this track is either a love song or not a love song. Hard to tell. Either way, only Radiohead can write a tender ballad that makes you want to curl up in a ball underneath your weighted blanket. Eight-year-olds are just not ready for Radiohead’s interpretation of love that induces eternal pain.

24. Packt Like Sardines In a Crushed Tin Box (2001)

For this album, Thom “wrote impersonal and abstract lyrics, cutting up phrases and assembling them at random.” This sort of lyrical irresponsibility is just not what the Kidz Bop franchise is all about and will only alienate the prepubescent fanbase.

23. The Gloaming (2003)

Only Radiohead can add an electronic beat over the sound of a busted vacuum cleaner with lyrics that don’t seem to relate from one line to the next. We need to know if the band is taking this seriously or just messing with us.

22. Reckoner (2007)

The main goal of the Kidz Bop franchise is to cover music that could be played at a six-year-old’s birthday party in a Chuck E. Cheese. Unfortunately, Radiohead is more suited to pump up a 38-year-old before their divorce proceedings.

21. Street Spirit (Fade Out) (1995)

There’s a reason Radiohead has never appeared on Kidz Bop to this point. It’s mainly because the mannequin guy on “The Bends” album cover is still giving everyone the creeps. Leave the PG-13 album covers to the despondent adults.

20. Karma Police (1997)

The video in this one features Thom in the backseat of a 1976 Chrysler that’s chasing down a middle-aged man on the run before the guy sets the car on fire. It begs the question, is Thom Yorke the karma police? Is the man? What is karma? These are things an eight-year-old simply cannot answer.

19. House of Cards (2007)

Radiohead released “In Rainbows” and said fans could pay what they wanted for it. Which means it was free. Kidz Bop is too capitalistically savvy for this gimmick, which is why they make children pay full price for their audio entertainment.

18. Idioteque (2000)

Good luck trying to get a group of eight-year-olds to sing along to music that sounds like what an ear infection feels like. This one is more on them than Radiohead.

17. Paranoid Android (1997)

“Ok Computer” altered the trajectory of the band and they never looked back. Much of the lyrics on this album portray a dystopian civilization hampered by capitalism, consumerism, and a random robot doing background vocals. This will go over the heads of children, not to mention their parents and grandparents. Defer this to the art history students.

16. Burn the Witch (2016)

To make this one work for Kidz Bop, you’d have to change the song title to something more positive, like “Embrace the Witch” or “Burn the Evil Within,” before it can be suitable for kids. Or you can choose a different band entirely, which is the recipe that the Kidz Bop franchise has been implementing for decades.

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Werewolf Criticized After Leaving Himself in Hot Car

Posted on by Matt Husser

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local werewolf Steve Callahan was under fire today after an unexpected transformation left his wolf form trapped in a hot car, concerned sources confirmed.

“How was I supposed to know the full moon would be visible in the middle of the day? I was just sitting in my car and suddenly I’m a werewolf, I can’t get the doors open cause I don’t have thumbs, and some Karen is calling the cops,” said Callahan, trying to cover himself with his tattered clothes. “Next thing I know this lady smashes the window, I black out during my werewolf rampage, and I wake up naked in jail. How can I get arrested for animal abuse when I’m the animal?”

Concerned bystander Gloria McHale came across the snarling nine-foot hellhound trapped in the car and immediately called 911 to help rescue the animal.

“The audacity of that horrible man to leave his sweet little angel puppy in that hot car! That poor little pup was so scared that he was clawing at the windows and biting through the steering wheel in one chomp. It’s no wonder he mauled all those people after we set him free,” said McHale, patching up a bite on her arm. “And worst of all they found the dog’s terrible owner the next day naked in some gutter, ranting about how he was actually the dog—no doubt coming down from some drug trip.”

Damien Krieger, spokesperson for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Cryptids, warned of the importance of protecting your animal transformation.

“While Lycanthropes might not be able to choose exactly when they transform, it’s their responsibility to take extra precautions near full moons to ensure the safety of their werewolf form. We recommend not participating in certain activities during that time of the month, like operating heavy machinery or being around a bunch of Halloween chocolate that might make your wolf sick,” said Krieger, throwing red paint on a display selling genuine Chupacabra leather. “Now you can’t always avoid things that might trigger your wolf form, like holidays with fireworks, but you should at least wrap yourself in a ThunderShirt so you don’t frighten your werewolf with scary noises.”

At press time, local vampire Andrei Moldovan was facing a fine for animal endangerment after he transformed into a bat and accidentally got tangled up in his clothesline.

Séance at Halloween Party Summons a Perfectly Alive King Diamond

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Guests at a local Halloween party were struck with fear and confusion recently when a light-hearted séance conjured up the very much alive heavy metal legend King Diamond, several corpse paint-wearing sources report.

“We were all having a fun time and then some joker busted out the Ouija board to connect with the afterlife. I figured I’d try to contact my grandma who had passed away a few years back, since I knew her spirit would liven up the place,” partygoer Karen Shelly explained. “Sadly, all we managed to do was summon this guy with a high-pitched voice in facepaint who just kept yelling ‘GRANNDMAAA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!’ It definitely was frightening, especially because he just barged into the front door holding an upside-down crucifix made of bones of some sort. But it wasn’t like, ‘seen a ghost’ frightening. I was more ‘do I call the cops for this dude breaking and entering’ scared. Now I know why that stupid Ouija board was two bucks at Goodwill.”

King Diamond claims that his recent summoning wasn’t just an isolated incident.

“This happens to me like 60 times a year, no lie. I get kids messing around with evil, dark forces they cannot begin to comprehend who zap me into their dorm rooms or whatever out of nowhere, interrupting very important rituals,” Diamond stated. “This group of nogoodniks are just lucky I wasn’t in the middle of my daily frowning practice, or shopping for a new menacing top hat, or else there would’ve been hell to pay. And I mean ‘hell’ not in the good sort of way!”

Metal expert Dwayne Kulas revealed summoning metal musicians is actually quite common.

“Weird stuff happens in metal, for sure. Black metal murders, the existence of the band Enuff Z’nuff, and Celtic Frost’s ‘Cold Lake’ are just a few examples,” Kulas said. “But the weirdest thing for my money is just how many metal musicians can be summoned out of the blue so easily. I mean, you say ‘Ummm’ four times in a mirror and POOF, there’s Lars Ulrich ready to slap you with a cease and desist letter! That’s not only too easy to stumble upon unknowingly, but it’s also just plain scary.”

At press time, Diamond asked to be re-summoned by Shelly in order to pick up his fingerless gloves he accidentally left in her dorm.

Five Ancient Otherworldly Entities We Accidentally Summoned While Learning the Scat-Singing Part of “Freak on a Leash”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

After years of denial, we at The Hard Times finally opened up and were honest with ourselves about our proclivity for nu-metal. As such, we could unashamedly don the Tripp pants, XXL Coal Chamber shirts, and wallet chains we’d kept in our closets for the past two decades. Words cannot express how liberating this felt, so we decided to let it ride and learn how to sing like some of our favorite musicians, and who better to start with than Jonathan Davis, the lead singer of nu-metal stalwarts Korn? Unfortunately, our first practice session did not go quite as we had planned, and, while learning the scat-singing part of “Freak on a Leash,” we ended up uttering several ancient incantations by mistake that welcomed some pretty horrific beings from other realms onto our planet. We’re ready to own this and intend this article as a warning to humankind, or as a last vestige for future societies to discover amidst the ruins for which we’ll have been entirely responsible. Truly, our bad. Here are five of the otherworldly entities we accidentally summoned:

Yon-Vabbureth

An unfathomably wretched and loathsome sight to behold, Yon-Vabbureth was awakened from eons of slumber by our singing. It stood roughly the size of an oak barrel and was largely protoplasmic in nature. Covered in jelly-like orbs that were either eyes or pustules (we had no intention of getting close enough to find out which,) it moved about in a viscous manner that was awful and unsettling to watch. We found ourselves frozen and nauseated each time one of the eyes/pustules was pointed in our direction, but luckily Yon-Vabbureth seemed bored with us and slid out of our offices not long after being summoned. We have no idea where it went or what kind of damage it has since caused, so if you hear something you’ll know where to point the finger.

Sanctum Fiend

Of all the entities we accidentally summoned, Sanctum Fiend definitely seemed the most pissed off about being taken from whatever horrid realm it had been inhabiting. It was a many-tentacled being about waist-high, and it scurried around in a frantic and agitated manner. We managed to lock it in the bathroom and told our intern Brandon to go in and check on it. He put up a fight, but ultimately agreed after we threatened to fire him. Apparently, Sanctum Fiend had calmed down and used one of its tentacles to summon Brandon to its location on the wall by the hand dryer. Brandon was transfixed by the motion and couldn’t resist, and the foul thing ended up striking him blind with a single touch from the tentacle. Better Brandon than us, we guess.

Oq the Colossal

Contrary to what you might think after reading its name, Oq is normally sized, bipedal in motion, and fairly nondescript in overall physical appearance. However, one look upon its flesh sent us on a wretched journey into the infinity of our own thoughts, which conjured a terror so immense that we’re fairly certain we will never recover. It just stood there and looked at us as we clasped our heads in our hands and uttered bloodcurdling shrieks that did nothing to express the eldritch horror we were experiencing within what remained of our own minds. It may be too late to warn you, but if you come across Oq we wholly recommend running as fast as you can in the opposite direction, lest the exposure to the Stygian depths of your own consciousness reduce you to the same piteous wretch he made of us.

Hi’xivof of the Ild

Now, Hi’xivof of the Ild really was immense in size; a being so titanic that one’s own grip on reality is completely staggered by a simple glance in its direction. We just didn’t have a frame of reference for a being of this magnitude, and again our minds were transformed into soup when we accidentally summoned it. Luckily, it’s so unbelievably gargantuan that it actually seems functionally useless, and aside from completely destroying the building that houses our offices through the sheer act of being conjured into existence, it doesn’t appear capable of doing much damage. While our landlord is definitely pissed, that seems like small potatoes compared to what the fifth entity may subject us to.

NONBEING

Ok, this one seems like it’s going to create the most problems. We don’t think there exists words in the English language, or even concepts in the human mind, that can describe what NONBEING is (or, uh, isn’t.) It’s definitely not good, or is it good? Or is it both at the same time? Or neither at the same time? Fuck, we don’t know. Or do we? Jesus Christ, this is a fucking catastrophe (or is it a miracle?) We’d better call it quits on this article and run to/from the nearest/farthest safe/dangerous zone. Come to think of it, have we already done or not done that? Or did we do nothing, which is actually everything? FUCK.

We’re going to take these as indications that nu-metal vocals just aren’t for us, and maybe try our hands at death metal vocals. Hopefully these Morbid Angel lyrics are less likely to summon some cross-dimensional nightmare creatures.

Conservative at Halloween Party Thinks Regular Cops Already Pretty Sexy

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local conservative man and general douchebag Chet Dyker was spotted at a Halloween party this past weekend telling women dressed as sexy cops that they’d be even hotter in regular, less revealing uniforms, sources who didn’t agree with that sentiment confirmed.

“What’s the big issue? I mean, those brave men and women are out there serving our communities every day – issuing parking tickets, getting weed off our streets, keeping neighborhoods like this one safe – there’s absolutely nothing more titillating than that,” Dyker stated. “You don’t need to make cops sexy when they already are. It’s about respect, really. Plus, I mean, being covered head to toe in navy cloth and wearing hats that seem like a light gust of wind will blow them off their heads. Now, that is sultry.”

Maddie Birch, one of the women who was approached, found the experience with him rather odd and disturbing.

“It was really weird,” said Birch. “First of all, the guy was dressed as…like, some anime dude with spiky blonde hair? I have no idea. Then he sized me up, looking up and down and shaking his head before telling us he was disappointed that women these days just don’t know what men want. He kept saying my costume needed a military-grade bulletproof vest and that cops don’t really wear three-inch shorts in real life. This was the sign that this man was to be avoided for the rest of the evening.”

Political analyst and news columnist Adrian Prost offered his thoughts.

“It is pretty fascinating seeing them in the wild like this. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t talk as if they’re wild animals, but I mean…kinda close, right?” Prost said. “Don’t you think it’s weird that in one breath they’ll say they hate authority and big government, but then they can’t get sexually aroused unless they imagine a cop murdering an unarmed civilian during a routine traffic stop? It seems a little contradictory, if you ask me. And if you ever get a load of their browser history, they’re always searching for fully clothed police officers on porn websites.”

At press time, Dyker was seen with a raging erection as he and other guests were escorted from the premises by police following noise complaints.

Every The Stooges Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Formed just two years before the counterculture and dirty smelly hippy festival known as Woodstock, Ann Arbor, Michigan’s The Stooges proved to the world that blue could in fact go. The influential and wild by definition four-piece band performed a highly specific genre of music that was the precursor to ‘70s Sex Pistols and/or Ramones rock known as proto-punk, which you likely never read on paper before despite the fact that we know that you know everything there is to know about punk. For this album ranking piece no live records, compilations, box sets, or Iggy Pop solo records are listed, but The Stooges went by another moniker, Iggy and the Stooges, for two of their five full-length studio albums, so those are included here. We know, we know, we don’t make the rules, but we sure as heck follow them. Maybe we’re not as cool as you think?

5. The Weirdness (2007)

Despite the fact that your friend and ours, the late Steve Albini of Big Black, Shellac, “Surfer Rosa,” and “In Utero” fame produced “The Weirdness,” album #4 of five for The Stooges, one release had to be in the golden stinker spot here, and this free, freaky, fried, and fun one sadly fits the bill. Obviously if you’re a hardcore fan of The Stooges, or even a casual one, you know for sure that it would be a violent battle between their two full-length studio albums this century for the next to be mentioned ranking, as their 1969, 1970, and 1973 records are all killer, no filler… so death wins! Still, it is quite an epic feat that this record was The Stooges’ first effort in thirty-four years, just beating the non-twenty-seven but thirty-three club featuring the holy trinity of John Belushi, Jesus of Nazareth, and Chris Farley.

Play it again: “My Idea Of Fun”
Skip it: “The End Of Christianity”

4. Ready to Die (2013)

The Stooges’ fifth and final full-length studio album as of now actually, as the kids say, slaps (do they still say this? Honest question), even if you stupidly aren’t aware of their older and classic twentieth-century material. Also, the record certainly packs quite a punch and got a lot of love from inferior publications, basically proving in recorded form that old guys can in fact rip hard, and even, uh, harder than your Midwestern uncle Reggie’s weekend warrior active rock cover band featuring not one, not two, but three lead guitar players. Released on the legendary Fat Possum Records out of M-I-SS-I-SS-I-PP-I, making it the band’s only non-major label effort, “Ready to Die” is the last to be mentioned here with some filler, but that’s ok, as it’s an unfriendly world out there. So get a job, burn your gun, and beat that guy! Which guy? You decide.

Play it again: “Sex and Money”
Skip it: “The Departed”

3. Fun House (1970)

The Stooges’ sophomore full-length studio album “Fun House,” like the next two records to be listed below, is a “no skip” effort, and if you disagree, skip the rest of this article; we already got your advertising money anyway, FOOLS. Anyway, back to the song AND the year 1970: Easily the cult hipster favorite for the band’s famous and non-famous fanbase, proving that our bronze opinion is wrong unless it’s right, “Fun House” was a grower and not a shower, as initial sales were disappointing, but the world eventually caught up like they did when “Office Space” was on display at Blockbuster Video. Basically, if you are a fan of fellow Michigander Jack White and ALL of his projects, then this record is for you! If you’re more of a Jack Black Dewey Finn stan, then the next two are even more up your alley, even down on the street!

Play it again: Elation
Skip it: Apartments

2. Self-Titled (1969)

First of all, it’s pretty cool that 1970’s sequel “Fun House” has a song called “1970,” and that The Stooges open their debut full-length studio album with a song called “1969”… at least to us! In addition, for another dorky stat, this record has a song that Sex Pistols covered called “No Fun,” and “Fun House” also contains the, wait for it, word “fun.” Anyway, The Stooges certainly closed out the 1960s in style with sweat and volume with this record! Featuring an iconic album cover, The Stooges made a dirty statement in musical form that was consistent across and throughout the album’s eight tracks that knock your proverbial socks off and even put holes in ‘em. Fun fact: This album is the only album featuring the man now known as Iggy Pop with the moniker “Iggy Stooge.” If you already knew that, you’re lying and that’s not right.

Play it again: Moe
Skip it: Shemp

1. Raw Power (1973)

Honestly, if The Stooges’ third full-length studio album “Raw Power” was eight consecutive tracks of its album opener “Search and Destroy,” it might have still won the gold medal position here, but luckily the album is a tour de force that doesn’t stop till its closing… and we’re here for it. For another hot/heavy version of “Search and Destroy,” check out underrated Louisville, Kentucky act Emanuel’s cover of the song on ”Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland Soundtrack,” which features thirteen other then-contemporary scene/scene-adjacent bands covering classic punk rock tracks. Back to The Stooges: “Raw Power” is universally known as one of the more influential rock records of all time. “Raw Power” was also the band’s comeback album after a short breakup post-”Fun House,” but disappointingly it was their last for another few decades, as the chaotic band split up again in 1974.

Play it again: Monday Night
Skip it: Dangerous Dillard Fighting Flippo Bam-Bam Barch

Classically Trained Theremin Player Sells Out For Haunted House Gig

Posted on by Jeff Cardello

CINCINNATI — Ophelia Kingsley, an esteemed thereminist who has been a featured guest player with the London Symphony, Orchestre de Paris, and the Los Angeles Philharmonic, recently took a job at Screamz Manor to help pay her bills.

“I’ve performed pieces like Camille Saint-Saëns’ ‘The Swan’ for audiences in the most beautiful concert halls across the world. Now, I get to play for a bunch of bored teenagers in what was once a Blockbuster Video in a failing strip mall,” said Kingsley. “I could either take this job or start learning a more lucrative instrument. Bassoon players, accordionists…. even lowly triangle players pull in more annually than me.”

Buzz Eastman, a self-described “serial entrepreneur” who launched Screamz Manor, says the project is the culmination of his creative vision and love of money.

“This ain’t your mommy and daddy’s haunted house. We got Draculas, we got gorillas, heck we even have both Freddies and Jasons,” said Eastman while counting a stack of single dollar bills. “There’s also a fancy lady who doesn’t look like she wants to be there waving her hands over a television antenna making spooky sounds to scare the bejeezus out of you. I went ahead and hired this woman who plays some sorta crazy instrument that sounds right out of a B-movie. Her sound effects are bringing a whole ‘nother level of ‘creepy’ to the gig!”

Classical music critic Agatha Pemberton commented on Kingsley’s performance in the Manor’s penultimate fright night.

“While it was difficult to hear over the laughter of people responding to the actors stumbling around unable to see through their ill-fitting monster masks, Kingsley’s ethereal playing filled the space with beauty, which would otherwise be a dark void lacking any sense of art or trace of human intellect,” said Pemberton while adjusting her opera glasses. “Perhaps next year she will finally play in one of these establishments that is worth her pedigree, such as Halloween Horror Nights on the West Coast. Anywhere else is, frankly, a waste.”

As of press time, Kingsley’s act of selling out and loss of dignity has brought in extra income that has made it possible for her to pay off .001% of the interest on the student loan she took out to study classical music at the Berklee College of Music.