Steve Lampiris, Author at HARDTIMES

Mourning Family Torn Over Whether Daughter’s Murder Should Be Podcast or Netflix Series

Posted on January 28, 2024 by Matt McInerney

NEW LONDON, Conn. — A local family is torn over whether to memorialize their late daughter with a podcast or a Netflix special that will document her abduction and brutal murder, confirmed sources slowly circling the story.

“These last few days have just been a whirlwind of emotions. How is anyone supposed to live through this and then continue to deal with life’s constant curveballs?” said Gregory Wellington, father of the tragically fallen teen. “On one hand, podcasts seem more accessible. Anyone can listen, and you can do it anywhere, really; I listen in my car all the time. And it doesn’t stop you from making a TV show later. But a Netflix series is kind of the gold standard! Who didn’t watch ‘Tiger King’? I don’t know if there’s a better way to honor the memory of my sweet baby girl than to associate her with a brand that I think represents premium streaming content. Plus, I’ll probably make a few bucks from it. It’s a win-win.”

Kaylah Garcia, a local teen, has been closely following the story.

“The tragedy really struck a chord in our community. I truly feel for the family. Seeing them hold each other, weeping in their kitchen, was just heartbreaking,” said Garcia. “I just couldn’t stop watching. Well, until I looked back down into the trash I’d been rummaging through. What’s this scrap of paper? It appears to be a name! Could it be a clue? Either way, I think they should go with a documentary on Max or an episode of ‘Radiolab.’ That’s where I get most of my mystery dead daughter content.”

Netflix executive Jeremy Pitzki felt compelled to offer his thoughts and prayers.

“I just hope the family can find closure. It’s such a devastating story that we can have available to stream by spring. I can only imagine what they are going through. Well, I kind of know, we have done a lot of these, it’s probably like a lot of our first episodes,” said Pitzki. “What I find brings closure is being able to tell your story. To look back on your memories and make sense of them while ominous music plays in the background of your confessional video. And the only real way to find this is in a limited six-part series that we are ready to start production on right now. We just need a signature.”

At press time, the Wellington family opted to go with both a podcast and Netflix series as well as an interview on “Good Morning America,” “The Drew Barrymore Show,” and a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl.

The Next Celebrity Chef? I Made a Pretty Good Soup and I’m Verbally Abusive to My Coworkers

Posted on January 28, 2024 by Reuben Blanchard

I’m not what you’d think of when you think of a celebrity chef. I’m a white guy who grew up upper middle class, but wanted to “find himself” doing “real labor”. But after I realized how much that sucks, I had my dad make a few calls, and now I’m an accountant. But I do think I’ve got that special something. That “Yo No Se Qua”. Because I straight up don’t know how to cook, but I just made some pretty decent soup and I yell at people a lot.

Look, I’ve barely even heard of the Culinary Institute of America or James Corden Bleu, but if I’m being honest, this soup kinda fucks. It fucks in the same way I do: Nothing particularly memorable, but essentially gets the job done, and bare minimum: I like it. Compared to my usual lunch of “toast and whatever’s in the fridge that looks spreadable” this soup was a revelation. I don’t even really remember what I put in it. Potatoes? Some kind of onion? My coworker Bill asked me if I used leeks, but I just called him a homophobic slur and sack-tapped him. Mostly because I don’t know what leeks are and feeling stupid is a trigger for me.

But like a modern-day Jocko Pépin, I just threw some stuff in there and then hit it with the immersion blender my ex left at my place after she bailed on me because of my “toxic, narcissistic delusions of grandeur”. I don’t really know what that means, but fuck her, I’m the main character, and I think I might be the next celebrity chef.

It also must’ve had some fish, because Kyle from accounts payable whined “Hey, that’s kinda stinking up the kitchen. I thought we had a ‘no fish’ rule?” Without missing a beat, I harnessed my inner Gordon Ramsey, and shot back “Hey Kyle, get fist-fucked, you blood-shitting, diarrhea stain” and threw my coffee mug directly at him, resulting in him needing 11 stitches. Yes, hello? Is that the Food Network on line 1? Thought so.

And look, If I’m being totally honest, I’m not even interested in Lindsay from data analysis, but that shouldn’t stop me from going “Batali-mode” and giving her unsolicited details of my (imagined) sex life. How else will I score my own run of mildly noxious cookware exclusively available at Target? Oh you wanna cancel me? Does the truth scare you? Is my “no-nonsense look into what it means to be a chef” making you uncomfortable? Am I making it worse by saying all this with my pants down? I don’t even care, because once I get on Rogan, it’s all good.

Seriously, I don’t give a shit. Now that I’m a badass chef, I’m from a different stock of man. The type of guys who actually work for a living. The type of guys who call everyone queer, but like, not in the new positive and accepting way. But also not in an intentionally homophobic way either, I think? More like in the way guys from Boston use it. No, not that part of Boston. That part of Boston. I’m tough. And like the greats before me, I can only express my emotions through insults, violence and the occasional ass-grab. Bon Appetite!

Retired Frontman Finds New Career As Cop Who Yells at People Dropping Off Family at Airport

Posted on January 28, 2024 by The Hard Times Staff

BOSTON — Local man Scotty Donovan, the former vocalist of semi-popular Boston Hardcore band Winter Hill, is thriving at his new career as the cop who yells at anyone stopped by the curb at Logan Airport, stressed-out sources confirmed.

“After we played our farewell show, I thought I’d never be able to yell ‘move the fuck up motherfuckers’ ever again, and it broke my heart. But then I started a shift directing traffic at the airport and I’ve never felt more at home,” said Donovan while drinking a cup of Honey Dew Donuts coffee. “I was able to pace back and forth, scream at the top of my lungs, and punch the ever-living shit out of any car idling for more than eight seconds. I used to get a giant thrill any time the pit opened up in front of me during a heavy Winter Hill breakdown, but it’s even more exhilarating to see the fear in the eyes of a housewife from Methuen when I scream ‘get the fuck up, move!’ when she’s trying to drop her shitty teenager off at the Delta gate.”

Veteran airport cops admitted they were impressed with how fast Donovan was able to excel at the job.

“Usually it takes new recruits a few weeks to get the confidence to scream at a stranger, but Scotty had no fear from the start. We actually had to ask him to calm down because he kept spin-kicking luggage in front of airport shuttle buses,” said Officer Jimmy Callahan. “He’s still a bit raw and needs to work on some of his lingo. Just yesterday an elderly woman was dropping off her family and Scotty went right up to her window and started yelling about having merch for sale in the back. He realized his mistake, abd then told her in a stern voice to ‘move your fucking Buick away from the curb or I’m gonna break your back.’ He’s going to have a long career here.”

Airlines are already reporting that customers have filed multiple complaints about how they were treated by Officer Donovan.

“Unfortunately, we have no control over how the police manage traffic at the terminals. But we have had multiple customers say they had to jump out of a moving car in order catch their flight because their Uber driver didn’t want to be arrested for stopping,” said American Airlines Customer Liaison Ray Thorpe. “I’ve actually had my own run-in with Officer Donovan that was less than pleasant. I was late for work, I was hustling in the crosswalk and stumbled and fell to the ground. Officer Donovan rushed over to help me up, but as soon as I started walking away he booted me in the back and I went head first into a pillar.”

At press time, Officer Donovan reportedly injured his back after attempting to stage dive off the curb onto a parked taxi that moved out of the way at the last second.

Nardwuar Struggling to Unearth A Part of Taylor Swift’s Life Not Already Widely Known to Public

Posted on January 27, 2024 by Tom K

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Famed journalist and serviette Nardwuar was reportedly “upset and disturbed” after his most recent interview with pop star Taylor Swift unraveled into bland pleasantries about facts everybody already knew.

“I hit Taylor with everything I had, but each time I brought up something obscure some 13-year-old behind me kept finishing my sentences. I had Taylor’s first-ever Yak Bak recording from age 6, but apparently that’s already trending on Deezer,” said a visibly shaken, sweating Nardwuar in between sadly dooting and muttering “white whale, white whale.” “I thought the petrified remains of her long-lost conjoined twin separated at birth would surprise her, but I guess I didn’t see the Tubi documentary they made about that. And then my ace in the hole? The obstetrician who delivered her as a baby? Was on Fallon last week talking about how Taylor was the most talented baby she ever saw. Unfathomable.”

Swift herself was not surprised by the fact that Nardwuar was unable to dig up any new information on her.

“That’s just how it is,” murmured a catatonic Swift to her contractually obligated E! News Online post-Nardwuar reaction interview. “I guess life isn’t something that one can own. It’s for everyone. I realized that growing up when my pediatrician started delivering my test results directly to People magazine. I had to go through my agent to find out I had eczema. Once, when I was 5, a petting zoo goat bit my shirt. That’s not that interesting, but it’s the only piece of myself that I can still call my own to prove that I still exist as an entity in an increasingly meaningless world. At least it was before I found the fan blog trying to hunt down that goat. C’est la vie…that’s life (Taylor’s Version).”

Other celebrities were quick to offer their support to the mega-famous musician who lives in the public spotlight.

“Taylor’s comments echo an unfortunate lineage of media treatment towards celebrities from Karen Carpenter to Paris Hilton to essentially any recurring actress on a commercial during football games,” states fellow snake handler Brittney Spears, who aims to combat this trend with the founding of the Organization of Women Without Privacy. “At the OWWP, we look to restore, nay…provide for the first time, dignity to famous women. Or at the very least, get those CNN cameras out of our bathrooms.”

At press time, Netflix announced they will be providing in-depth coverage of OWWP proceedings, including detailed profiles of each member’s struggles with the media, in an upcoming exclusive 87-part docu-series.

Why I Stopped Training for a Beach Body to Work on a Deep Ocean Trench Body Instead

Posted on January 27, 2024 by Julia Shebek

I used to tell everyone I wanted a beach body, but then I realized it’s stupid to spend hours a day doing grueling exercises to match a stereotypical “ideal” body type. That’s why I’ll be spending hours a day doing grueling exercises to look how I really want to look—like one of those spooky, fucked-up fish from the depths of the sea.

I used to have a goal weight, but I’ve got new goals now. My new goals? Inspire fear. Thrive in the darkness. Devour any lesser beings that cross me. Also, I want to get back into knitting.

It’s an intense program to make a human being look like a grotesque trench fish with ancient, soulless eyes. To achieve the iconic “aquatic demon” look I’m going for, I’ll be spending 8 hours a day treading water in a dark, haunted void, and fueling myself with a steady diet of kelp and solitude. I’m working towards being able to hold my breath for 24 hours, and I’m currently at about 57 seconds, so I’m basically almost there.

Instead of trying to attract partners with my physique, I’m trying to attract prey with a glow stick I’m dangling in front of my face. I’m working on my eerieness, too—I’ve been practicing classic moves like “You thought I was dead until I blinked” and “Surprise! you’re in my mouth!”

I’ve tried talking to doctors about surgery, but they’ve told me it would be unnecessary because I’m perfectly healthy as I am now, and also that it’s “medically impossible” and “Why would you do that?” and “Are you okay?” But I’ll show them! (I won’t—I’ll be 4,000 feet underwater and beyond the reach of man or God—but I’ll know I bested them.)

I should look how I want to look—and I want to look like what a scream sounds like. Wish me luck!

Condemned Punk Venue Finds Second Life as Punk Venue

Posted on January 27, 2024 by Tom K

SAN DIEGO — Former music venue The Everybody Inn, which specialized in metal and finger-crust shows from 2001 until it was shuttered by the city in 2020 for thousands of code violations reopened last month without any changes, sources confirmed.

“It used to suck before it started falling apart. We’re talking your typical, capitalist, corporate establishment…ample parking, accessible circuit breaker, a sound guy who was always smiling…it was torture. After it closed, we had to wait for all the documentary crews and GoFundMe leeches to clear out before we could build it down to what it is today,” said scene elder Scrad ‘Two-Heads’ Jackson while describing the Inn’s evolution from humble beginnings as a punk venue to its current heralded status as a punk venue. “Each week, Bloody Bobby usually steals us a keg, shows are announced with a series of nondescript chalk drawings throughout the city, and the whole PA runs through a Bluetooth speaker. Nowadays we call it ‘The Red X’ based on the sign they put out front.”

The Inn’s success is not without controversy, however, as nearby venue owners, such as House of Blues’ Edwin van Lindleham, lament what they consider unfair competition.

“Even the cobwebs in there are rusty somehow. How can I compete with ambiance like that? I sent the cops to break up a show they got tetanus, dysentery, something called hoof-and-mouth disease, and diphtheria, which was supposedly eradicated until now,” said van Lindleham. “I know it’s been condemned, but how has it not been, like, double condemned? They’re mopping the floor with us, and I’ve seen them use steel wool strapped to a mannequin leg as a mop.”

The punk community has been unified in rallying around the dilapidated building which could collapse at any moment.

“This place is punk in its purest form,” affirms de facto historian Fat Mike while stealing copper wiring for display in the Punk Rock Museum. “Punk subculture has an inherent invulnerability in its ethos. The worse it gets, the more unhinged it gets, the closer to death it gets the more punk it is. Allin’s paradox states: The degree to which something is ‘punk’ is inversely proportional to the magnitude of effort exerted to make it punk. It’s the circle of strife. What is built eventually must rot, and what rots must eventually contain squatters with Circle Jerk tattoos.”

At press time, local sources are hopeful for the prospective longevity of The Everybody Inn as it currently exists due in large part to the enormous financial burden of any restoration attempt which Zillow currently lists at “we pay you $60,000.”

Music News: Gwen Stefani Talks No Doubt Status With Coachella Announcement

Posted on January 27, 2024 by Jake Skudder

No Doubt frontwoman and advocate for sh*t being “bananas” Gwen Stefani recently discussed the return of the ska punk-tinged band.

Speaking to PEOPLE, Stefani revealed what it was like confirming that she would be rejoining the band at Coachella 2024 and what the future holds for the ‘Don’t Speak’ legends.

“It just happened so fast [the reunion], and that’s my favorite kind of thing to happen” the singer revealed. “We haven’t really figured out the next steps of how we’re going to do this, but we’re just all so excited. And I think really just watching the internet blow up [with] how excited that the fans are? It’s inspiring us.”

“It’s just going to be cool and it’s just going to be: get up there and do what we always do, which is play our music and try to connect and be so grateful that we got this amazing career that we never expected to have,” she added.

Music News: Gwen Stefani Talks Reuniting with No Doubt

Although there doesn’t appear to be any official indication of what the group will be doing post-Coachella, it seems likely that a full reunion tour could be on the cards.

So the band will be finally getting back together in April for Coachella 2024, which is set to be headlined by Lana Del Rey, Tyler, the Creator, and Doja Cat.

Last year’s festival saw the big comeback gig for Blink 182 following Mark Hoppus’ battle with cancer, so it appears that reunions could be THE thing for the festival over the next few years potentially.

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out. Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my own site FightFans.

Music News: Colin Young of God’s Hate Makes AVNA Revelation

Posted on January 27, 2024 by Jake Skudder

God’s Hate drummer and frontman for Twitching Tongues Colin Young recently came to a revelation that he told the world about on X/Twitter.

Young posted: “Turns out p*rn conventions and hardcore fests smell equally terrible!” Later adding in a separate tweet “Turns out p*rnstars are the nicest people in the world.”

Colin and Bo of Harm’s Way are currently at the AVN Awards in Las Vegas creating content for the HardLore podcast (not that sort of content, get out of the gutter).

Bo shared similar sentiments to the man he speaks to about McDonald’s and Merauder on a near-weekly basis, posting himself: “Every sw we met today at @avnawards was so cool and welcoming it was amazing.”

Music News: HardLore Goes Hardcore in more ways than one

HardLore will be releasing content with a number of different stars over the next few weeks (presumably), discussing how they themselves into Hardcore (Punk) and Hardcore (the other one).

The X account for the pod noted: “The legendary @DJBritStar telling us about stagediving to DRI and Suicidal as an 80s punk.”

The legendary @DJBritStar telling us about stagediving to DRI and Suicidal as an 80s punk 🥲 pic.twitter.com/HRvvvZ9yob

— HARDLORE (@hardlorepod) January 27, 2024

So clearly, the AVN Awards are the Master Killer of p*rn conventions.

The Hard Times Does Some Real News Now Don’t Get Angry

Music News: TikTok Testing AI Music Creation With Prompts For Users

Posted on January 27, 2024 by Jake Skudder

TikTok is reportedly experimenting with AI so that users will be able to generate music based on simple prompts, according to TechCrunch.

The short video platform has partnered with Bloom, a language model AI, for lyric creation, and the instrumental itself will be available from a pre-saved catalogue that TikTok provides.

In pretty much the same way you’d use something like ChatGPT, users can enter their own prompts or choose from a ‘curated’ selection such as “going to concerts” or “cuddling with pets” whilst also choosing a genre like Pop, EDM or Hip-Hop.

Music News: TikTok Experimenting with AI Music

It’s both incredible and frightening just how quickly AI use is becoming commonplace in the creative world, with many artists already having to file copyright claims against tracks that have been created without their blessing or actual physical input.

Some have actually embraced this different approach to ‘song creation,’ with the likes of Grimes bringing out their own tech to essentially make it easier for people to use their favourite singer’s voice to add to their own tracks.

Essentially, this is probably TikTok’s way of trying to avoid paying out expensive licenses to artists when their track is used for a viral video. That may sound cynical, but that’s because I am.

The Hard Times Goes Real (at least a bit of it has)

Read More: Spaced Confirm Debut LP and Share Brand New Video

Music News: Morrissey Cancels Anniversary Shows

Posted on January 26, 2024 by Jake Skudder

Morrissey has cancelled two ‘You Are The Quarry’ 20th-anniversary shows that were set to take place this weekend, with the venues citing “unforeseen circumstances.”

The former Smiths frontman was set to appear at Anaheim, California’s Honda Center on January 26 and Los Angeles’ Kia Forum on January 27, before both venues confirmed on X/Twitter that the shows would no longer be going ahead.

Both venues sent out near-identical cancellation messages, and the majority of fans didn’t actually seem to be too surprised that he had nixed another couple of dates.

“Morrissey is gonna Morrissey” was one of the replies to the tweet from the Civic Center, with another fan noting “Pssh, I just got tickets yesterday!!!” But the most apt reply stated, “Why anyone continues to buy tickets to Morrissey shows, I’ll never know.”

Music News: Morrissey Cancels Anniversary Shows

This isn’t the first time that the British singer has cancelled shows last minute, with Morrissey having stopped a date last year at London’s Crystal Palace on July 9.

A tour was then announced, but interestingly, the Nottingham Royal Concert Hall gig that replaced the Crystal Palace show in said tour was also cancelled. For both shows that were cancelled, the venues also claimed that it was due to “unforeseen circumstances.”

To quote someone pretty wise, “Why anyone continues to buy tickets to Morrissey shows, I’ll never know.”

Music News: Gwen Stefani Talks Reuniting with No Doubt

The Hard Times Real News

Music News: HardLore Goes Hardcore in more ways than one

The Hard Times Does Some Real News Now Don’t Get Angry

Music News: TikTok Experimenting with AI Music

The Hard Times Goes Real (at least a bit of it has)

Music News: Morrissey Cancels Anniversary Shows

The Hard Times: We also do real news now