British Broadcasting legend David Attenborough has had a long and illustrious career as the gold standard of documentary narration. There isn’t anyone else on this planet who can make sophisticated scientific information soothing, compelling, and accessible. As we approach David’s 98th birthday, we feel like this legend needs a change of pace. Yeah, animals are cool and all, but you know what’s begging to be conveyed in a sophisticated, high-class way? Cannibal Corpse lyrics. Truly the peak of artistry, Cannibal Corpse are wordsmiths of the highest degree. It’s only natural to marry David’s talents with one of the most serene and peaceful metal bands. We’re sure nothing weird will come out of that at all. (Listen to the playlist)

15. “Devoured By Vermin”

We’re gonna spend a lot of this list essentially comparing humans to animals, and making David Attenborough describe the worst crimes imaginable as natural processes. For this song however, let’s give him a break. He finally gets to talk about an actual animal. Mice. They’re still devouring corpses though. But the main reason we want to hear David’s scientific mind tackle “Devoured by Vermin” is to watch him try to justify how the subject somehow stays alive through having his eyes rip out, skin chewed to the bone, and shredded internal organs.

14. “Rancid Amputation”

Another one of the “tutorial in slaughtering people” songs in Cannibal Corpse’s discography, “Rancid Amputation” makes it on the list because Attenborrough’s sophistication would enhance lines like “Stumps writhing in sludge like an infection.” The first-person narration of the song also makes it even funnier. We want to hear Attenborough try to sound intimidating as he threatens “your own rectal slime, I’ll force you to drink,” but still somehow making these gruesome lyrics very warm and inviting.

13. “Scalding Hail”

While nature documentaries primarily focus on animal-on-animal interaction, we’d be doing ourselves a disservice to ignore natural disasters. Sure, how tectonic plate movements impact the oceanic ecosystem is interesting, Sure, but you know what’s way cooler? A volcano destroying an entire city. Ecosystems be damned, let’s talk about “Burning fragments steaming stones tearing through my skin. Lodging near my organs I’m burning from within.” The large-scale drama of “multiple people being graphically killed” versus the usual “one person being graphically killed” will allow David to ham up the drama here. Taking long, dramatic pauses between every sentence. The only reason this ranks lower is because these lyrics give him too much unironically good material to work with. It’s great, it just needs more phrases you’d hear screamed in the back of a middle school bus.

12. “The Wretched Spawn”

Here we arrive at another staple of nature documentaries, perfectly suited for Attenborogh’s description. This is of course, the birthing process. Typically, Attenborough doesn’t have to do much talking for these scenes. He can just let the cute and tender moment speak for itself. We can’t see why he wouldn’t do the same here when this cute little guy is described as a “pawn of the darkness,” “blasphemous child” and “inherently vile.” So, if David chooses to let those adorable characteristics speak for themselves, he can come in and add some context for the bright future of this baby as “Predestined to annihilate, through sinister eugenics.”

11. “Postmortal Ejaculation”

Another cornerstone of David Attenborough’s discography is telling miraculous stories of survival, as weaker prey are somehow able to survive situations that should, by all means, kill them. “Postmortal ejaculation” is Cannibal Corpse’s version of this. Somehow, a man’s horniness wills him to resurrect himself after committing suicide via cumming. Attenborough could enhance this song by telling it as a triumphant overcoming of death and the human desire to commit horrible atrocities. On top of that, we want to hear David say “Adipocere spurts from my erection,” solely because “adipocere” is the first term we had to google a definition for in this list, and maybe he would make that make more sense.

10. “Raped by the Beast”

Now it’s time to lean on one of Attenborough’s best skills; keeping a straight face while he explains the freakiest sex in the animal kingdom. So of course, “Raped by the Beast” will be a softball. The lyric “Resurgence of a gruesome species, with carnal obsession, it lusts copulation,” already feels more like a nature documentary than a song with a longer list of trigger warnings than lyrics. Of course, though, the ever-elegant Cannibal Corpse graces us with pure poetry such as “Macabre fuckfest inside her cunt.” Attenborough really doesn’t have to add much of his calm collected delivery to make this super palatable song go down as well as bringing up the weird obsession with sexual violence to any old-school death metal fan. Super super easy.

9. “Disposal of the Body”

Considering there’s already been so much killing on the list our documentary needs a little switch-up. What’s more educational than seeing the lesser-known processes of life? Luckily Cannibal Corpse provides us with “Disposal of the Body,” where we get a thorough, factual, and comprehensive look at hiding a corpse. While Attenborough may not be a “how to” guide person, he’s great at craving meaty information into understandable steps (pun intended). This makes Attenborough the perfect man to describe to break down the mutilation process into simple steps like “dissect him in the tub,” “smash the teeth,” and “with a crowbar-scrape off all tattoos.” With such clear and logical directions provided by one of the smartest men on TV, you too will know how to hide a body.

8. “Force Fed Broken Glass”

You know, to switch up the pace, maybe we need to give David a break from describing eating via murder and cannibalism. Nature is diverse and luckily, Cannibal Corpse provides a vegan option, eating broken glass. Attenborough gets to be more relaxed as he describes the very tame process of “oral sex with broken glass.” There are just some choice lyrics that beg for sophisticated analysis, such as “glandular eruption” and “blistered skin secretion.” This is totally different than all the other depictions of blood and gore up to this point. At least the process of the graphics team CGI rendering this shredded throat will only be slightly less miserable than whatever shitty Marvel show is next to hit Disney+
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7. “I Cum Blood”

This had to be on the list at some point. “I Cum Blood” is baby’s first absurd metal title, and while the word “cum” has won me plenty of Jackbox games, there’s more to this song that deserves narration. Nature documentary narration helps us understand what’s happening in animals’ heads as they live in the wild. Well, the next logical step is describing how “a load of my lymph, will quench this dead body’s thirst” and how our subject will achieve that through “behaviors” such as “tonguing her rotted anus” and when he “pissed in her maggot-filled asshole.” These lyrics read like a story, and if there’s one man who could lull us to sleep talking about getting an STD from necrophilia, it’s David Attenborough.

6. “Covered with Sores”

Unfortunately, another part of nature is disease. Part of life is doing whatever it takes to persevere through disease. Getting way too many shots, mildly violated by a strep throat test, and sucking the puss out of corpses. All of these are part of the necessary things we as humans must do to survive. In the most climactic moments of nature documentaries, Attenborough’s underrated emotional delivery can really sell the desperation of a creature at the edge. This keeps us on the edge of our seats rooting for the monkey to find that one medicinal leaf, or for this man to find a body to smash with a sledgehammer, carve up with a knife, and consume organ by organ. Those two things are definitely the same. To be blunt though, we’d be lying if we said that part of the reason this is so high is because we want to hear David Attenborough dramatize “throbbing glands” and “pus eruption of cysts.”

5. “Hammer Smashed Face”

A staple of every nature documentary is the hunt where we get treated to the most pathetic-looking creature getting torn apart by whatever apex giga-chad predator is being focused on. “Hammer Smashed Face” is, in the same way, a hunt, just replace claws with a sledgehammer. David could build up suspense and a complex primal desire of “I feel like killing you” and pay as we see him “smash your fucking head in until your brains seep in” Plus, every time nature documentaries show a hunt, it has to end on a scene where we realize that this is a never-ending cycle and I realize I watched a gazelle’s intestines getting knawed on for nothing. I can’t think of a better sentiment to encapsulate that feeling that “Violence is my way of life, the sledge my tool of torture as it plows down on your forehead.”

4. “Compelled to Lacerate”

“Compelled to Lacerate” is one of the more “high class” Cannibal Corpse songs. We aren’t committing murder, we’re compelled to lacerate. There’s a difference. David’s voice would add even more sophistication to it. We want to hear David say “Ruptured figures sprawl. Slaughtered in a rage now left to be found. A grisly gift of art” with the same energy as your high school English teacher talked about “Farenheight 451.” This is high society shit goddamn it. Why would you think otherwise?

3. “Dismembered and Molested”

“Dismembered and Molested” would work well for Attenborough because it’s one of Cannibal Corpse’s most “matter-of-fact songs.” Instead of David talking narrating “First the whale shark opens its mouth to take small fish and krill in, then it filters the hundreds of tiny organisms into its mouth using its gill rakers as a filter, and pushes the remaining water out of its gills” he instead gets to describe a much more serene process. “Sever the limbs. Decapitate. Yank out the teeth, then masturbate. Pounding the face, ejaculate.” His trademark delivery would make the song soothing while providing insightful step-by-step insight into the key biological processes that are cutting someone apart while you jerk off.

2. “Gutted”

Gutted is a wonderful 2-for-1 of nature documentary staples. Of course, we get the classic dissection and eating of Cannibal Corpse songs. What’s new is another nature documentary staple. That being, of course, the vicious murder of a cute baby animal. Typically, Attenborough leads you gently into this, being like “Oh but that’s life isn’t it.” Well, Cannibal Corpse eases you in about as gently as drunk crowdkillers at an all-ages show. We want to see how he attempts to explain “the knife invades the child” as normal ways of an oh-so-hungry creature to obtain key sustenance such as “gutted little torsos” and “various digestive parts and assorted meats”. Luckily the song gives David an out with a super logical motivation “Killing to release pure souls to heavens. Justification of his killing,” so like in a nature documentary, Attenborough can use his soothing charm to make the horrifying scene we just saw seem somewhat justified.

1. “Mangled”

We’ve talked about cannibalism, and corpses a lot through this article so far, shocker. Well, one of the most fitting songs for David Attenborrogh’s reading is the most thorough description of cannibalism we get. We’re accustomed to talking about how each organ of a whale carcass is consumed by orcas and can benefit the oceanic ecosystem. So, with all the murder talk, we’d be missing out if we didn’t have a step-by-step description, and boy, do we get one. Some highlights include “Crawl into the cadaver head first, eat your way through the guts,” “Spleen of carcass is oozing from your mouth,” “Suck the vomit through intestines,” and the most important step of all “chew on the piss-filled kidney”. As the song progresses, however, we learn that not only is our protagonist taking apart his victims, but he’s also re-animating them. Attenborough gets to detail the entire circle of life in one song, taking us on a journey from death to birth. If you ask me, there’s no better use of his calm voice, sophisticated demeanor, and crystal-clear articulation than describing some acts of brutal murder, and “Mangled” shows all that range and potential in one song.