PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Local moron Griff Bradshaw made frequent frustrated attempts to gain entry to the venue bathroom you were, unity recently, peacefully defecating in, confirmed sources who also wish you would hurry up a little.
“I wanted to use the bathroom, but it’s like the door is jammed or something. I tried pushing on it really hard, but the handle seems stuck or something. Normally the handle moves and I’m able to walk right in, but today it’s all jammed up and I’m about to piss my jeans ” sputtered Bradshaw, in between strained yanks of the door handle. “I don’t understand. This is definitely where the toilet lives, I know it is. I had two Monster Energy drinks before show so if I don’t get in there soon I’m going to have to go in the sink behind the bar again.”
Attempts to enter the Indigo Room’s only lavatory increased in frequency and desperation as the seconds ticked by.
“If it doesn’t open the first time, that means it’s locked,” you exclaimed after the fourth time the door handle rattled fitfully. “What do you think if you try it again it’s going to magically unlock? Somebody’s in here, and you’ll just have to wait. What’s so hard to understand about that? Now I have stage fright knowing there’s probably a line outside stretching all the way to the bar and I’m going to have to look them all in the eye. And it’s going to stink pretty bad in here for them and I have no one else to blame it on.”
Washroom access has been a recurring issue, according to venue management, but a solution remains elusive.
“I can’t count the number of deadbolts I’ve had to replace over the years from wear and tear,” said venue owner Michael Renzoni. “We have this problem nearly every show. Some people just can’t wrap their heads around the concept of a locked door, I guess. At this point, I’m considering bringing in a few port-o-johns to up our toilet access. At least those say ‘occupied’ when someone’s in there. I’m hoping that will clear up some of the confusion.”
At press time, Bradshaw was seen asking another concertgoer standing outside the bathroom if they were waiting for the bathroom.
I really wish we could start this list off strong, but numbers being what they are, here we are at 11. And right now you’re saying to yourself, ‘Holy shit, the Smashing Pumpkins have how many albums?’ It seems that every now and then Billy forgets where he put his guitar and decides to make an album with a children’s keyboard from Toys-R-Us. This is the first of these albums we will encounter, and most definitely the worst. It doesn’t matter what kind of Pumpkins fan you are. You hate this album.
This is the Smashing Pumpkins that is best listened to as a YouTube video in the background of your mindless Facebook scrolling. I’m just going to assume this was essentially a failed Zwan album that got repackaged by the record company as a Pumpkins disc just so they could clear out the unsold copies from a warehouse in South Jersey. It seemed like a good idea, but alas, it failed. The record company ended up burning the unsold copies which resulted in an ecological disaster of biblical proportions that up until now has mostly gone unnoticed among the piles of shit already scattered about the Philadelphia area.
Zeitgeist is one of those words I kind of know what it means. It’s a word that guys like Billy Corgan and Moby use to make the rest of us feel like morons…remember that time Moby used the word insouciant? Yeah, that kinda thing. But jokes on them, I have a dictionary. Zeitgeist: the general intellectual, moral, and cultural climate of an era. I didn’t bother to look this up when the album came out. Then Billy used the word during a Joe Rogan interview and it seemed like Rogan knew what it meant. The idea of Joe Rogan understanding something better than I do terrified me, so I immediately looked the word up.
And then there was one. Making an album with only one original member is a time-honored tradition in rock and roll. Sometimes a band really only needs that one person, like Mike Ness and Social Distortion. Sometimes the band is more about a core group that is necessary for it to work…even Axl Rose eventually figured that out. The Pumpkins seem to be the latter of the two. Yes, Billy writes the songs, and he can do all the guitar, bass, and vocal tracks by himself…but no matter how hard he tries, no matter how many drum machines he buys, there is only one Jimmy Chamberlain…and that has to piss Billy off so much. Bravo Jimmy…Bravo.
I just recently entered “Cyr” into my Smashing Pumpkins discography and haven’t really made space for “Atum” yet…but hey, it’s the internet era, let’s give parts one and two a listen.
When Billy Corgan gets inspired, he writes a shit ton of songs. When Billy Corgan writes a shit ton of songs, he releases double albums. But really, there’s no shame in taking 30 songs and trimming it down to a lean 12 for the purpose of just getting to the fucking point. But alas, if I was asked to cut down the Machina I/II saga to a single disc, I honestly don’t know what I’d leave behind. Is every song necessary? Maybe. And that’s what is so irritating about it.
FINALLY, the band is mostly back together. James Iha has returned. Jimmy is still alive. Darcy is…well, that’s not important right now. And after all that time apart the band finally crafts a fine album of…8 songs? I’m just going to fill in the story behind this one: Jimmy and James were so happy to be making music with Billy again that they tolerated his crap long enough to make 31 minutes of music. I mean, I know I said I wanted them to start trimming the fat, but Jesus, leave a little flavor on the bone.
For those of you familiar with the Pumpkins, this is the album you’re supposed to say is their best. I know, you really hated it when it came out because ‘hey, where’s Jimmy?’ Ultimately this album is what happens when a rockstar gets bored. Billy got all the big guitar rat-in-a-cage stuff out of his system and now he’s ready to lay down some roots, buy a Casio keyboard, and ruin his legacy for millions of fans.
“Gish” is not the reason you like the Smashing Pumpkins. You didn’t even know “Gish” was a thing until 1994. You bought this album because the local radio station was playing a song called “Drown” and you had to have it. You already owned “Siamese Dream,” and the record store only had one other Pumpkins album…”Gish.” You got the album home, put it in your boombox…and waited…and waited. An hour later, in a moment of pure rage, you looked at the track list only to find that “Drown” isn’t on this album you idiot. It’s actually on the “Singles” soundtrack, a movie you’ve never even seen, even though the movie poster was hanging on your dorm room wall.
Double albums are the musical equivalent of a threesome. They’re usually the brainchild of the one person who’s least equipped to handle this sort of thing. I’m sure it started one evening with a semi-sober Corgan wearing a turtleneck and saying “You know what would be really hot…” The band went on to make 28 tracks of pure excess scattered across two CDs. It showcased the good, the bad, and yes, the ugly of everyone involved. And of course, the end result of all good double albums, much like a threesome, was a messy breakup and a mattress you will never get that smell out of. But, was it worth it? Probably. The album is heavy and soft, fast and slow, introspective and frivolous, it’s everything this band was capable of…good, bad, and ugly.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. If you really want to seem like an intellectual Pumpkins fan, just claim that “Machina” is really their best album. Cite its deeper lyrics, its binding concept, its varying texture, and that sweet ass riff at the beginning of “The Everlasting Gaze.” True Pumpkins fans will give you a simple nod to express their mutual understanding. Lesser Pumpkins fans will come at you like a cornered possum…either way, you will be both respected and feared.
Ok, this compilation of outtakes and b-sides must have ‘Drown’ on it, right? Wrong. This collection of stuff not good enough to be on “Gish” and “Siamese Dream” has really only one song you actually want: a cover of “Landslide.” I’m not exactly sure, but it seems to me that Billy sang this song even higher than Stevie Nicks did. This is either a testament to Billy’s vocal range, or a testament to how much cocaine Nicks did in the ’70s which resulted in her husky yet feathery voice.
This is why you’re here right? You wanted to verify that “Siamese Dream” is #1. You wanted to make sure it wasn’t rated below “Adore” or god forbid “Machina II” just to get clicks. As you scrolled through this list, you actually became visibly stressed that I might play the wildcard and put this album at #2…or maybe even #3. Once you hit Adore at #4, you actually started to sweat. I can see it….you’re still not sure what my intention is right now. I’m in your head…at any moment, I could drop a compilation or a live album. I fucking own you right now.
The story was exposed as a hoax when truthers proved such a radical color scheme was impossible in the vacuum of space.
“You’re telling me I learned how to wear sunglasses for nothing?!”
Cobain’s body was found in a house in Seattle home Friday morning, dead of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot blast to the head. He was 27.
Some artists use words instead of brushes.
“Just keep your heads down and play that wacky jazz, or, whatever.”
And we still like him more than Dave Holmes.
What happens when 25% of a major conglomerate’s staff gets laid off and agrees to have their lives filmed?
They add up over time!
He’s just like us, the young people.
All music fans really need to know is that Sylvester Stallone is loyal but dangerous.
It’s time to take this whole YouTube thing down a peg.
From the legend of Orpheus to “Fat Lip,” it’s been one hell of a run, music.
Until such a time that the Loderforce is recharged and he may rule again.
Okay he pretty much looks the same. Older though! And still more appealing than Dave Holmes.
There can be only one.
If you cared enough to click on this and have read this far you are at least 35.