WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump threw a lifelike dummy of himself moments ago off a bridge onto sharp rocks below to seemingly avoid being indicted for the mishandling of top secret documents, witnesses confirmed.
“They want a witch hunt, do they? Well, watch me fly. The dead tell no secrets,” said the unhinged former Commander-in-Chief as he hurled the 145-pound replica into the air. “Everyone will miss me when I’m gone, they will. This was a perfect throw off the bridge, and the plan is airtight — and believe me folks, I know airtight. They will probably rename this bridge ‘Trump Bridge’ and people from all over the world will come here and cry so hard the whole city will flood.”
Onlookers saw Trump laughing maniacally as he dragged the mannequin to the ledge before sending it airborne.
“When he popped the trunk of his car and put the dummy on the ground, he started doing this weird dance and kept mumbling about his ‘100 percent approval rating,’” said witness Carrie Long. “After he tossed it, he started spinning around with his arms outstretched, just staring at the sky. There was a brief moment where he stopped and we locked eyes… and it was the most terrifying moment of my life. There was no soul behind those pale, puffy eyelids.”
As of press time, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were seen wailing hysterically as they descended the sheer cliff in hopes of recovering what they believed to be their father’s corpse.
This sentiment was undercut when he proceeded to mistake one of the documents for Marla Maples.
It’s hard to blame Trump for keeping such a sentimental document marking the happiest day of his life.
If executed, this will be the first time a former U.S President has declared “Losers weepers” since Warren G. Harding
“I wish dad got indicted every day!”
“If continuing to trust Trump is a telltale sign of my mental sun-downing then pass me the gravy!”
“The parking lot at Jake’s Jack Shack is huge, the best.”
According to the Super-Trump NFT card stats he’s stronger than Thanos and The Hulk combined, and unlike Superman, he is resistant to magic.
“More like ‘Aileen Can-not!’ Is that something?”
The phrase “we’re talking about a real dog here” was used 36 times.
“We need to focus on dismantling the insidious literacy-to-liberalism pipeline!”
“Let’s just say something tells me I’m gonna be tearing it up in the Florida Keys pretty soon.”
“Shamrock, extra whipped cream, shaken not stirred.”
Joe Biden has called the map “the whole reason I became President in the first place,” and considers Trump “a total dick for bogarting it.”
“Yaas Queens, stand down and stand by.”
Coming in dead last is the only album Beastie Boys ever released that won a Grammy. Which is interesting, considering it’s an instrumental album. I don’t know if the lack of singing is what finally landed the boys a grammy, but it’s certainly the reason it’s ranked last on the list. Not that it’s without its charm. The experimental funky jazz fusion is very on-brand and consistent with the band. But ultimately it feels like it’s missing something pretty fundamental, like you know, everything that makes the group so fun.
This one hits a bit of a sore spot, because it was the last record the Beastie Boys were ever going to make. It was delayed and in production limbo for a few years as the dark clouds rolled in with MCA’s announcing a cancer diagnosis. The final era for the Beastie Boys did bring their best music video to date, the form of a short film “Fight For Your Right Revisited” which is kinda the magnum opus of their music video saga. As for the album itself, not as memorable as their earlier work. But considering it came out a good 30 years into their career, it showed promise the Beastie Boys engine still had some gas in the tank. Try listening to this and not shed a tear over MCA’s untimely passing in 2012. You can’t. In fact, I’m crying right not just thinking about it.
I’ve never been to New York City, I’m not sure if I’ll ever go to New York City. But thanks to this album, I don’t even think I need to bother. While a post-9/11 love letter to the Big Apple might seem like a super cringey idea, leave it to the Beastie Boys to produce a record that hits the mark for both coolness and loving where you come from. If that place is New York, anyways. This one is pretty much as serious as the band is gonna get and pretty political in nature. But at least they’re all rapping on this one and the beats go harder than “Hot Sauce Committee.” Just gotta get used to how “grown up” they all sound on this one.
By the time this album came out the ‘90s were in full force and it was clear the band was trying to wash off all that frat boy image that launched them to extreme success in the mid-80s. Clearly that’s not what the band wanted to be anymore and this record was a solid swing at putting some distance between them and previous releases. If you skip this record, you’re really not missing out on a whole lot. They’re still working some kinks out. Are they gonna be more funky, produce some mediocre rhymes or show off some more production skills? It’s a mixed bag, but if you sit through the entire thing you’ll find something you enjoy. Also, nothing else was really going on in 1992 musically, kind of a slow time for auditory arts.
We’re only listing studio albums and there are numerous EPs and whatnot I could comb through to place in the rankings, but honestly the eight studio albums are just fine on their own. The only thing missing was this EP where the band decided to go back to their punk roots before they became massively successful rappers. I’m not going to pick a repeat or skip it for this one, the entire thing clocks in under 12 minutes and it slaps front to back, go listen to it three times in a row.
If I’m going to piss anyone off, it’s probably where I’m placing this one. This is the biggie. The first release that brought all those ‘80s beer-fueled party bangers to playlists all across your local campus for nearly 40 years. For good reason though, the use of samples aligns with the big beats and snotty kid attitudes all too well. Does it age well? No. It aged as well as most things that were widely successful in the mid-80s. That’s why it’s sitting at the halfway mark. While it is a rap album front to back, you’ve still got your punk rock bases covered. They show their early NYHC roots off at least a few times on this one, most notably back to back with “Fight For Your Right” into “No Sleep Til Brooklyn”
Ad-Rock claims this is the band’s best record overall. I’m not going to argue with him, but I do think he’s wrong. Although, this is kinda where the band “peaks” if you want to go that far. By the time this album came out in the late ‘90s, they were already more than well-established household names who can do new wrong. This album further expands on their experimental nature of working with everything in their vicinity and top-quality production. Bass particularly on this album seems more polished and perfected than anything they’ve released prior. This carries a weird techno, almost dance club element in with it at parts. You’ve definitely heard “Intergalactic” at numerous points in your life and that’s the vibe you’re going to feel throughout this one, so crank this one loudly if you’re stuck in traffic to set the mood for everyone around you to also enjoy.
There’s literally no other record out there that sounds like this one. Even as far as Beastie Boys albums, this one is unique. So unique there was a bunch of court bullshit over the number of samples used throughout so there will never be another “Paul’s Boutique.” This also cost a boatload to make and was considered overall to be a bomb, so that’s probably a good sign the album kicks ass. It’s more about consistently establishing how big of weirdos they are when they’re not pretending to be party bros. Taking any weird elements from their first album and just making it 10 times weirder while making it work. This one pairs better with getting high on weed more than it does getting drunk on beer.
Here’s that sweet patch of grass you can roll your blanket out on. This one is just the right balance on the Beastie Boys scale. You’ve got them rapping together, funkin’ together, jazzin’ it out, hauling out some punk tunes. It’s 5 Stars all around and shows off every skill set they have. The first track even whips off the last bit of their ‘80s image of frat boy party nonsense with MCA apologizing, how sweet of them. It’s lengthy, clocking in around an hour to get through. But you’re going on a ride and touching your foot off half a dozen musical styles being held together by that magical Beastie Boys glue that gives this album the number 1 ranking.
While we can generally applaud the haphazard production style of Rosenstock’s early days, ‘To Leave or Die In Long Island’ sounds particularly rushed. It’s also the second shortest record in the band’s discography, suggesting even the guy making it was tired of the sophomore album before it was even completed. While there are certainly some classics here to accompany your next shower beer, the majority of this one sounds like discarded tracks from the debut album that was released within the same year.
Not long after the dissolution of Rosenstock’s former band, the Arrogant Sons of Bitches, BtMI!’s debut record, ‘Album Minus Band,’ was born. Forged from a need to cope with the seemingly less-than-amicable split of the previous group and a month-long flirtation with sobriety, the record features Rosenstock programming drum tracks and playing most of the instrumentation himself. While serving as an undisputed modern-day DIY classic, the record ultimately suffers from a lack of cohesion as Rosenstock throws all the paint he has at his likely overheated PowerBook.
If anyone needed a vacation in 2011, it was Rosenstock and company. Marking their seventh album in as many years, ‘Vacation’ finds the BtMI! train understandably losing steam. This record would prove to be the band’s final full-length, and it relies heavily on experimentation with different permutations of the band’s classic sound. While a bit of this tinkering provided great results, much would be executed with greater success on Rosenstock’s solo works. Fans often call this era of the band ‘Proto-Roso.’ Just kidding, no one has ever said that.
The last true album of Rosenstock’s iPod days, ‘Goodbye Cool World’ finds him tightening up his production skills while pushing his predilection for synth-heavy material up in the mix. Lyrically, the album shows a more reflective side to the songwriter as he struggles with rising notoriety while living in financial destitution. In addition to that, he even manages to make a dub track that primarily features saxophone not sound annoying as fuck. This one could have very well ranked higher, but Rosenstock has admitted to mixing some of the album on a cheap pair of earbuds, which… no.
Packed with dizzying heights, crushing lows, and a fuckton more reverb than other BtMI! releases, ‘Scrambles’ might be the band’s most colossal album. It’s the second record to feature a full band, and the first to have an honest-to-god music video in the form of a brilliantly directed clip for the excellent ‘Wednesday Night Drinkball.’ Historically, this is one of the most important records of Rosenstock’s career as it marks the crosspoint between his early obscurity and future success. While some of the group’s finest work exists within its runtime, there’s a self-admitted Peter Pan Syndrome throughout that ultimately undercuts some of the record’s more serious moments. It’s sort of like that friend of yours who keeps telling you Crocs are trendy now to avoid wearing real shoes.
If you’re anything like us, you probably thought this was an EP. We can all be forgiven here considering the seven-song tracklisting. Still, this could have been a disaster. Had our earlier assumptions been correct, they would have knocked one of BtMI!’s best releases out of this ranking entirely. You would have never known that we think “All Ages Shows” is one of the band’s best songs. Nor would you have learned how much better we believe ‘Adults!!!’ would have served as a final record than ‘Vacation’ did. Fortunately, Rosenstock considers this one to be a full-length studio album so you can reread the previous two sentences to see how we feel about it.
If there is a better coming-of-age DIY punk album about moving to Athens, Georgia with all of your friends that happen to be in your moderately successful band, we don’t want to fucking hear about it. This one is perfect and we’re done missing our youth for the day. Dealing with the trials and tribulations of chasing artistic endeavors in an increasingly oppressive capitalist society, ‘Get Warmer’ sounds like ‘a fucking party to celebrate that you are fucked,’ to steal a quote from Rosenstock. If you were ever lucky enough to catch the band live, chances are you’ve never danced your ass off to a song with subject matter as bleak as ‘Depression Is No Fun’ since. Despite being one of the messiest-sounding Bomb records, it is leaps and bounds ahead of the rest in terms of scope and cohesion. Give this one a spin and you’ll surely be pleasantly reminded of that time your band played two cities an hour away from your hometown and called it a ‘tour.’