BOSTON — Local man Scotty Donovan, the former vocalist of semi-popular Boston Hardcore band Winter Hill, is thriving at his new career as the cop who yells at anyone stopped by the curb at Logan Airport, stressed-out sources confirmed.
“After we played our farewell show, I thought I’d never be able to yell ‘move the fuck up motherfuckers’ ever again, and it broke my heart. But then I started a shift directing traffic at the airport and I’ve never felt more at home,” said Donovan while drinking a cup of Honey Dew Donuts coffee. “I was able to pace back and forth, scream at the top of my lungs, and punch the ever-living shit out of any car idling for more than eight seconds. I used to get a giant thrill any time the pit opened up in front of me during a heavy Winter Hill breakdown, but it’s even more exhilarating to see the fear in the eyes of a housewife from Methuen when I scream ‘get the fuck up, move!’ when she’s trying to drop her shitty teenager off at the Delta gate.”
Veteran airport cops admitted they were impressed with how fast Donovan was able to excel at the job.
“Usually it takes new recruits a few weeks to get the confidence to scream at a stranger, but Scotty had no fear from the start. We actually had to ask him to calm down because he kept spin-kicking luggage in front of airport shuttle buses,” said Officer Jimmy Callahan. “He’s still a bit raw and needs to work on some of his lingo. Just yesterday an elderly woman was dropping off her family and Scotty went right up to her window and started yelling about having merch for sale in the back. He realized his mistake, abd then told her in a stern voice to ‘move your fucking Buick away from the curb or I’m gonna break your back.’ He’s going to have a long career here.”
Airlines are already reporting that customers have filed multiple complaints about how they were treated by Officer Donovan.
“Unfortunately, we have no control over how the police manage traffic at the terminals. But we have had multiple customers say they had to jump out of a moving car in order catch their flight because their Uber driver didn’t want to be arrested for stopping,” said American Airlines Customer Liaison Ray Thorpe. “I’ve actually had my own run-in with Officer Donovan that was less than pleasant. I was late for work, I was hustling in the crosswalk and stumbled and fell to the ground. Officer Donovan rushed over to help me up, but as soon as I started walking away he booted me in the back and I went head first into a pillar.”
At press time, Officer Donovan reportedly injured his back after attempting to stage dive off the curb onto a parked taxi that moved out of the way at the last second.
