KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Famed journalist and serviette Nardwuar was reportedly “upset and disturbed” after his most recent interview with pop star Taylor Swift unraveled into bland pleasantries about facts everybody already knew.
“I hit Taylor with everything I had, but each time I brought up something obscure some 13-year-old behind me kept finishing my sentences. I had Taylor’s first-ever Yak Bak recording from age 6, but apparently that’s already trending on Deezer,” said a visibly shaken, sweating Nardwuar in between sadly dooting and muttering “white whale, white whale.” “I thought the petrified remains of her long-lost conjoined twin separated at birth would surprise her, but I guess I didn’t see the Tubi documentary they made about that. And then my ace in the hole? The obstetrician who delivered her as a baby? Was on Fallon last week talking about how Taylor was the most talented baby she ever saw. Unfathomable.”
Swift herself was not surprised by the fact that Nardwuar was unable to dig up any new information on her.
“That’s just how it is,” murmured a catatonic Swift to her contractually obligated E! News Online post-Nardwuar reaction interview. “I guess life isn’t something that one can own. It’s for everyone. I realized that growing up when my pediatrician started delivering my test results directly to People magazine. I had to go through my agent to find out I had eczema. Once, when I was 5, a petting zoo goat bit my shirt. That’s not that interesting, but it’s the only piece of myself that I can still call my own to prove that I still exist as an entity in an increasingly meaningless world. At least it was before I found the fan blog trying to hunt down that goat. C’est la vie…that’s life (Taylor’s Version).”
Other celebrities were quick to offer their support to the mega-famous musician who lives in the public spotlight.
“Taylor’s comments echo an unfortunate lineage of media treatment towards celebrities from Karen Carpenter to Paris Hilton to essentially any recurring actress on a commercial during football games,” states fellow snake handler Brittney Spears, who aims to combat this trend with the founding of the Organization of Women Without Privacy. “At the OWWP, we look to restore, nay…provide for the first time, dignity to famous women. Or at the very least, get those CNN cameras out of our bathrooms.”
At press time, Netflix announced they will be providing in-depth coverage of OWWP proceedings, including detailed profiles of each member’s struggles with the media, in an upcoming exclusive 87-part docu-series.