Opinion: My Favorite Hometown Dive Bar May be a Panera Bread Now, But That Won’t Stop Me From Getting Absolutely Shit-Housed and Crying in the Parking Lot

They say that home is where you make it, and when I found out that my favorite hometown watering hole was replaced with a Panera Bread, I decided to put the sentiment to the test. I had to pour one out for Splunky’s, but I really ended up pouring out like 14. Hell, most of the time my buddies and I would be half in the bag before even arriving on dollar draught night. Just because the good old days are long gone doesn’t mean I can’t turn it up and have an unforgettable evening of my own design.

Luckily, I always roll in style, and I already had my Giant Jenga set in the trunk of my Corolla. I would have busted out the cornhole, but my roommate back in the city needed to borrow it for a hometown visit of his own. I called up all of my best buds from back in the day, but I forgot that we all live in different states now. But hey, there’s nothing wrong with having a solo night of debauchery. I figured I’d even make a couple new friends along the way.

So naturally, I started pregaming in my car, and shotgunned a few Twisted Teas to really set the mood. But beforehand, I grabbed a couple of those Charged Lemonades from the drive-thru so I could keep the buzz going well into the night. It’s not quite Four Loko, but it got the job done.

When I finally had a good buzz going, I quickly realized how different things really were. If we were still raging at Splunky’s, everybody would have died of laughter when I threw $20 into the TouchTunes and played nothing but “Wonderwall” for three hours. But blasting it from my car stereo had a polarizing effect, to say the least.

I had to sober up, and fast. “Get me out of here!” I said to no one in particular. “I mean, I need some of that soup in a fucking bread bowl…. stat!” But the kitchen was closed, which threw me into a rage and made me want to storm out and call my ex-girlfriend, which I did like 23 times in a row until she picked up.

Turns out drunk dialing somebody you dated for three weeks over 12 years ago is less of a crowd-pleaser than Liam Gallagher.

Sobbing uncontrollably in a drunken stupor, I wallowed in self-pity and gently pissed my pants. But then I had an epiphany: it wasn’t Splunky’s that made me feel so alive when I was younger. It was public recreational substance abuse.

Next time I go visit my folks, I’m gonna check out that new Lowe’s they broke ground on last week.

Los Angeles Police Budget Allocates $50,000 For De-Escalation Training, $1 Billion For Escalation Training

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department announced that in response to requests from the public they are now allocating $50,000 of their budget towards de-escalation training while maintaining the normal $1 Billion they use for their standard escalation training.

“I’m glad we were finally able to get some resources for these valuable techniques in the budget,” said de-escalation counselor Luigi Prestifillipo. “I kept advocating for getting some sort of training for our officers and how they should learn how to bring a situation down to a simmer before it all boils over and suddenly your kitchen is filled with hot pasta water and you’ve scalded your arms and you need to shoot your way out. But they kept telling me ‘It’s not in the budget’ to which I was like then put it in the budget you mook! You’ve got $1 Billion advocated for how to kill people, maybe send me a few bucks and we can save ourselves some money on these police brutality lawsuits. It’s good to know that they’re finally pretending to listen.”

Longtime LAPD member sergeant Kevin Polanski was less than receptive towards having to take this extra training.

“You really expect me to take 1 hour a year out of my busy schedule to come and hear some guy tell me I shouldn’t be clubbing people who can’t pack up their tents fast enough?” said a clearly miffed Polanski. “The whole thing really hurts my brain too because after being taught that everyone is a threat and should be treated as such, now they want to tell me that sometimes people desperately need help and I need to show empathy? Like do they want some old lady skulls bashed in or not? Because I have and I probably will continue to crush old lady skulls.”

Chief of Police Michel Moore clarified that the de-escalation program wouldn’t get in the way of the LAPD doing their normal job.

“Before I hear any complaints about this from the union I want everyone to know that everything will be business as usual,” said Chief Moore. “See someone of a different persuasion in your rich neighborhood? Is there a homeless guy sleeping outside your store? Are there people just minding their own business standing around? Well don’t you worry. The LAPD is ready, sort of willing, and well-trained to come and turn these situations into events that will end up causing days of public protest. No de-escalation course is going to change that.”

At press time, sources confirmed that the police union was able to whittle the training down from a 1-hour course and turn it into a small pamphlet no one is expected to read located next to the trash can in the break room.

Man Who Spent 30th Birthday Convincing Himself He’s Old Spends 40th Birthday Convincing Himself He’s Still Kind of Young

HANSON, Mass. — Local man Ryan Cook reportedly spent his entire 40th birthday reassuring himself he’s not that old, despite calling himself geriatric 10 years prior on the same day, sources close to the man confirmed.

“I remember turning 30 and thinking, ‘Well this is it, I should prepare a will and pick out a burial plot before my brain turns to goo.’ But that’s not how it played out at all, my 30s were pretty good. My metabolism slowed a little bit and I started going to bed an hour earlier, but that’s about it,” said Cook. “Now that I’m 40 I basically feel 20 again. I’m going to skateboard more, get a crap load of tattoos, and I’m welcoming the next few decades with open arms. I’ve found myself listening to the Minor Threat song ‘Minor Threat’ on repeat for the past few weeks, I know Ian was like 19 when they wrote that, but I can relate to the ‘It’s not how old I am, it’s how old I feel’ line. It’s going to be lit once I figure out how to use Tiktok, no cap.”

Cook’s wife of 13 years Gerri Baccay was cautiously optimistic about her spouse’s new attitude.

“I’m happy that Ryan is feeling reinvigorated. He spent the last three years with a terrible case of plantar fasciitis and once that finally went away it seemed like he would pull a muscle in his back every other week,” said Baccay. “I’ll catch him staring at himself in the bathroom mirror counting the wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes. He just stares with dead eyes, like he’s looking past his reflection hoping to manifest a younger version of himself. It’s kind of scary. But then he throws on a t-shirt of some hyped new hardcore band and he pretends everything is ok. Even though he orders all those shirts online, he hasn’t been to a show in six years.”

Psychologist Thomas Monson says what Cook is experiencing is very common.

“When people turn 40 they get this sudden burst of energy like they are ready to tackle the world, but that typically only lasts three years at the most. Once a man has to think about scheduling their first prostate exam they realize how close to death they actually are,” said Dr. Monson. “But the most telling sign you’ve finally gotten old is when a neighbor is throwing a party and you call the cops on them if it goes later than 8:30 p.m., and if you don’t think it will happen to you then just wait.”

At press time, friends and family were desperately trying to convince Cook to not sign up for improv classes.

Biden Announces 2024 Campaign Slogan “I’ll Die in Office Anyway, So You Won’t Have to Put Up With Me for Much Longer”

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden unveiled his new 2024 campaign slogan which promises voters he will die in office soon after being elected, DNC officials confirmed.

“Listen up Jack, I know people are saying I’m too old, that I look like a corpse that escaped the morgue, and that children scream whenever I’m on the television because they think a skeleton is coming to steal their bones, but I need your support in 2024,” said the incumbent. “When you go into the ballot box in November just know a vote for me is a vote for a guy who will die in less than a year and will be succeeded by his Vice President. If you want a change in this country then vote for me, and change is bound to happen. Heck, it’s been over 60 years since a President died in office. Let’s give it another try, America.”

Registered Democrats across the country are already resonating with the new message.

“I don’t want to see a repeat of the 2020 election. Trump and Biden are both two of the last people I want in charge. But knowing that Biden plans on dying soon after being sworn in for a second term makes him a much better candidate,” said Massachusetts resident Cara O’Malley. “I swore I wouldn’t vote for him because of how he is handling Gaza, but maybe, just maybe Vice President Harris is a better option. But I really don’t know, they never seem to let her talk. I haven’t learned anything new about her in the past four years.”

The Trump campaign is also workshopping new slogans as the former president attempts to lock up the Republican nomination.

“In 2016 people went nuts for ‘Make America Great Again,’ and we want to capture that same fire. We are workshopping slogans like ‘Let’s Bomb Mexico Off the Fucking Map,’ and ‘God Hates Democrats.’ Both are polling really well,” said Trump’s Communication Director Steven Cheung. “But we still haven’t landed on something short and sweet that scares people into voting for Trump. We need people to think they will have to pledge allegiance to the Pride flag if they don’t vote our way. I’m just spitballing here but something like ‘Trump 2024: Biden Will Turn You Gay.’”

At press time, every justice on the Supreme Court applauded President Biden’s commitment to dying in power.

What My Musician Boyfriend Lacks in Money He Makes up for in Narcissism, Depression, and an Undying Obsession With Fame!

It’s no surprise that my parents disapprove of my singer/songwriter boyfriend, but when my besties started calling his financial situation and all of his personality traits “red flags,” I had to defend our relationship. Like, I know he doesn’t make as much as their boyfriends with their soulless nine to fives, but I like that he’s doing something non-traditional. They clearly don’t understand that his narcissism, depression, and an undying obsession with fame is all part of his journey.

They just need to put positive spins on his not-so-pleasant qualities like I do.

Where they see his fame obsession, I see him striving for greatness. I’ll finally get him out of his home studio to go apple picking, and sure, at first he’ll bitch that anything other than the pursuit of success is frivolous, but once he sees that people love apple picking, he’ll have this eureka moment that an apple-picking song could be his golden ticket! I’ll just want to hold hands and stroll through the orchard, but he’ll be feverishly writing his new apple song on the dashboard. His dastardly grin, like a Bond villain trying to take over the world, is kinda cute.

After the apple picking song, or the beach song, or the cherry blossom song isn’t the singular thing that makes him world-famous, he dips into a weeks-long depression. But that just means he cares deeply. He’ll barely get out of bed, so I’ll feed him, water him, and inflate his ego enough to shower and begin his next plot for world domination. Those times are tough because I’ll have stuff going on in my life, and I’d like his support sometimes too, but he reminds me that I’m being a lot and that he’s going through something real. After realizing that he never listened to my feelings, I told him how many great songs are about feelings. Now I get to vent while he nods along holding a voice recorder in my face.

I don’t think he feels emotions like the rest of us, but he is really good at reminding me to be grateful. Like, I’ll tell him how much I want to quit my soul-crushing, verbally abusive job, but he’ll beg me not to. He reminds me of the salary and benefits, and how this is by far the nicest apartment he’s ever lived in, so I trudge back in there the next day. By paying for absolutely everything now, I’m allowing him the time to hone his craft, which will one day make us millions! Plus, he’ll completely drop the toxic behavior and focus more on our relationship once he achieves his goals, right?!

Music News: Alt Rock Star Starts Hardcore Band with Twitching Tongues Member

Jesse Rutherford of The Neighbourhood is now the frontman of a hardcore band called Valley Girl.

The singer, who also released Hip Hop-styled tracks under the name Jesse®, is now in a band with Colin Young of Twitching Tongues and God’s Hate…at least Colin did the drums for the demo.

Young’s brother, Taylor Young, produced the new demo from the band, and you can check out the full ten-minute offering below.

Read More: British Punk Legends Release New Video

Music News: New Hardcore Band Featuring Jesse Rutherford

The new band played their first-ever show this past Saturday at the Midnight Hour in San Fernando, CA, which was the record release for the new Cosmic Joke album.

Cosmic Joke’s (EXCELLENT) first LP was co-released by Triple B Records and Colin Young’s own label HardLore Records, which is an offshoot of the successful HardLore podcast.

Read More: TikTok Testing AI Music Creation With Prompts For Users

Valley Girl Live

It’s pretty clear that Jesse is a back fan of newer hardcore acts like Turnstile (shoutout to BrooklynVegan who clearly also made that distinction), but there’s also a ton of influence from Militarie Gun in there as well.

Does this mean that we’re going to start seeing even more ‘pop’ acts make their way into the hardcore scene? It’s certainly possible, and the sXe and hXe gatekeepers will be happy to be busy for the first time since the mid-90s.

You can check out the band’s first live show via the video below from 197 Media.

Read More: Spaced Confirm Debut LP and Share Brand New Video

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my own site FightFans.

Read More: Spotify Appears To Confirm New Feature Coming Soon

Music News: Spotify Appears To Confirm New Feature Coming Soon

Music News: Spotify has seemingly confirmed that a ‘Superfan Clubs’ feature will be heading to the streaming music platform in the very near future.

The company appeared to confirm the news as part of a blog post, which looked at how the DMA/Digital Markets Act will (apparently) mean a “better Spotify for artists, creators, and you.”

As part of the company’s new plans, they claim to want “an easier experience” which “means good things for artists, authors, and creators looking to build their audiences of listeners, concert-goers, and audiobook-loving fans” as outlined in the post.

Read More: British Punk Legends Release New Video

Music News: Spotify Superfan Clubs

One of the more intriguing elements of the blog was the mention of “superfan clubs,” although exactly what this will entail has not yet been confirmed:

“Thanks to the DMA we’re looking forward to a future of superfan clubs, alternative app stores, and giving creators the ability to safely download Spotify for Artists or Spotify for Podcasters directly from our site — and that’s just the start.”

Hopefully, this will be a positive for artists going forward, as Spotify (and other streaming services) have really added to the hit that bands and record labels have felt over the past few years.

Read More: TikTok Testing AI Music Creation With Prompts For Users

The Hard Times Does Real News Now, get hype

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my own site FightFans.

Read More: Spaced Confirm Debut LP and Share Brand New Video

Music News: British Punk Legends Release New Video

British Punk legends Cock Sparrer have released a new video ahead of their upcoming album release in April 2024.

The video for the new track “With My Hand On My Heart” was produced and directed by Chris Curtis and will be part of their new album ‘Hand On Heart’ coming out on April 5th 2024 via Captain Oi!, Randale and Pirates Press.

Cock Sparrer will be playing some album release shows in the UK in April, with London and Glasgow the two cities currently set for the punk legends to head to.

Read More: Gwen Stefani Talks No Doubt Status With Coachella Announcement

Music News: Cock Sparrer UK Tour and New Album

You can find more information about the two shows below and can get tickets from Songkick.

  • APR 06 Saturday 19:00 – London O2 Shepherds Bush Empire
  • APR 13 Saturday 19:00 – Glasgow O2 Academy Glasgow

Read More: Colin Young of God’s Hate Makes AVNA Revelation

Music News: Cock Sparrer New Video

If you’re already a fan of the UK band (that has been going for like 50 years), then you’ll know what to expect from “With My Hand On My Heart.”

But, if you aren’t, then make sure that you also check out what is arguably their greatest release “Shock Troops” from 1982 after listening to the new single.

You can check out the video for “With My Hand On My Heart” below.

Read More: TikTok Testing AI Music Creation With Prompts For Users

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out. Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my own site FightFans.

Read More: Spaced Confirm Debut LP and Share Brand New Video

 

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Avoid Whatever Ben Shapiro Just Released

It’s almost February, which means the horrors of winter are nearly halfway over. While you’ve been floundering and lamenting the lack of sunlight in your day, a flurry of new sounds has been occurring just outside your black-out curtain-covered window. We don’t blame you for missing it. Everyone knows you aren’t particularly renowned for your observational skills.

That being said, we can’t in good conscience leave you in the literal dark like this for even a second longer. Our esteemed staff of music experts has taken on the Herculean task of googling ‘new music’ for you. Here are six of the best results we could find.

Sunny Day Real Estate “Novum Vetus”

2024 is shaping up to be a phenomenal year for emo veterans Sunny Day Real Estate, who are celebrating the 30th anniversary of their groundbreaking debut album ‘Diary.’ In addition to announcing a US tour in celebration of the milestone, the band also announced a live recording of the full album due out in May. Part of this announcement included a surprise release of the unreleased track ‘Novum Vetus,’ marking their first new music in a decade. Let’s hope their next disappearance is more short-lived than previous break-ups.

Katy Kirby “Fences”

Recently, singer-songwriter Katy Kirby took to her Instagram to review her newest album while under the influence of a Blue Raz Four Loko. While we can’t remember what inebriated score was given, a sober listen yielded a 10/10 for us. ‘Blue Raspberry’ picks up right where Kirby’s debut ‘Cool Dry Place’ left off before gradually morphing into a stunning and more vibrantly produced effort, equipped with Kirby’s inimitable voice and writing chops. Album highlight ‘Fences’ splits the difference as it pulls the listener into the heavier themes that permeate the record.

Alkaline Trio “Bad Time”

As pop-punk and emo-adjacent music once again soars in popularity, it has become clear that some elder statesmen are not going to quietly let their legacies fizzle out. Alkaline Trio are no exception with the release of their excellent new record ‘Blood, Hair and Eyeballs.’ The final lead single from this effort, ‘Bad Time,’ features some of their most inspired riffage in years, harkening back to their rough and tumble days without sacrificing the need to evolve. While many are excited about Tom DeLonge rejoining Blink 182, not enough are focusing on how refreshingly invigorated it has made Alkaline Trio sound.

Genital Shame “Schooled In Every Grace”

Pittsburgh’s Erin Dawson – the sole producer and performer of Genital Shame – is single-handedly changing the landscape of black metal. Her output thus far has paid homage to the genre’s chaotic roots while fusing it with a unique and daring pop sensibility. This makes for a disorienting push and pull as the confines and boundaries of black metal are stretched as close to the limits as possible without breaking entirely. Her latest single ‘Schooled In Every Grace’ – from the forthcoming debut LP ‘Chronic Illness Wish’ – is no exception to the rule with its combination of kick-the-fucking-door down riffs and earworm vocalizations.

Donny Benét “American Dream”

A few months ago, we featured ol’ Donny and his smooth-ass bass and synth wizardry in this very column. We were promised eggs, but they never arrived. While we listen to the hypnotic and excellent sounds of his latest single ‘American Dream,’ we will have our own dreams about someday tasting a sweet breakfast from our hero. Some have tried to tell us that he was never going to send us those eggs in the first place, but we know Donny wouldn’t do us that dirty. Perhaps they were just lost in the mail. Some postal worker smelled what was cooking and had at it, maybe. Either way. Don man, old friend. If you’re reading this, we’d love a replacement ASAP. You have 12 hours.

Saintseneca “Soft Axe”

Ohio indie-folk legends Saintseneca are at it again with the release of their epic new venture ‘Soft Axe.’ Over the course of six and a half minutes, lead singer and founder of the cult-favorite-outfit, Zac Little, croons atop an ever expanding sonic landscape that in key moments sounds as if it is about to break out of the speakers to join the terrestrial world. Announcing the song as a ‘post-holiday jam,’ Little expressed a desire to write ‘seasonal, yet evergreen songs.’ With compositions as enduring as this one, we think he can mark that aspiration as accomplished with aplomb.

Now that we’ve told you some new things to listen to, you should be ready to face the world with a fresh new attitude and a sense of relevancy you haven’t felt in years. To double down and make sure the message sticks, however, we’ve compiled all these tracks and more into an ever-growing playlist. Click here to like, listen, and do even less work.

Mourning Family Torn Over Whether Daughter’s Murder Should Be Podcast or Netflix Series

NEW LONDON, Conn. — A local family is torn over whether to memorialize their late daughter with a podcast or a Netflix special that will document her abduction and brutal murder, confirmed sources slowly circling the story.

“These last few days have just been a whirlwind of emotions. How is anyone supposed to live through this and then continue to deal with life’s constant curveballs?” said Gregory Wellington, father of the tragically fallen teen. “On one hand, podcasts seem more accessible. Anyone can listen, and you can do it anywhere, really; I listen in my car all the time. And it doesn’t stop you from making a TV show later. But a Netflix series is kind of the gold standard! Who didn’t watch ‘Tiger King’? I don’t know if there’s a better way to honor the memory of my sweet baby girl than to associate her with a brand that I think represents premium streaming content. Plus, I’ll probably make a few bucks from it. It’s a win-win.”

Kaylah Garcia, a local teen, has been closely following the story.

“The tragedy really struck a chord in our community. I truly feel for the family. Seeing them hold each other, weeping in their kitchen, was just heartbreaking,” said Garcia. “I just couldn’t stop watching. Well, until I looked back down into the trash I’d been rummaging through. What’s this scrap of paper? It appears to be a name! Could it be a clue? Either way, I think they should go with a documentary on Max or an episode of ‘Radiolab.’ That’s where I get most of my mystery dead daughter content.”

Netflix executive Jeremy Pitzki felt compelled to offer his thoughts and prayers.

“I just hope the family can find closure. It’s such a devastating story that we can have available to stream by spring. I can only imagine what they are going through. Well, I kind of know, we have done a lot of these, it’s probably like a lot of our first episodes,” said Pitzki. “What I find brings closure is being able to tell your story. To look back on your memories and make sense of them while ominous music plays in the background of your confessional video. And the only real way to find this is in a limited six-part series that we are ready to start production on right now. We just need a signature.”

At press time, the Wellington family opted to go with both a podcast and Netflix series as well as an interview on “Good Morning America,” “The Drew Barrymore Show,” and a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl.