Punk Finishes 5K in Circle Pit

Posted on by James Webster

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local punk Kevin Wilder admitted he was feeling slightly fatigued after he completed a 5K race during a circle pit during a performance by local punk band Joe Cameltoe, confirmed sources who thought he made good time.

“Those 3.1 miles go real quick when you’re throwing fists in a counterclockwise motion,” said an out-of-breath Wilder. “According to my Fitbit I finished in 26 and a half minutes, which is my best time yet. However, this is nothing compared to the half marathon I accidentally ran during Riot Fest last year. In fact, I mainly go to shows for the health benefits. You can get in a really good workout just by violently swinging your arms backwards during a windmill. Plus, I never skip leg day so you’ll often see me spin-kicking in a mosh. Bonus points if I can get my foot high enough to crack someone’s jaw. Those are some serious calories burned.”

Friends of Wilder thought there were better ways to do cardio during a show.

“I actually prefer to get my exercise through stage diving. They say it’s easier on the joints and works out every muscle group in your body,” said Shelley Armstrong in her swimming trunks. “Running in a circle pit is very bad for your knees, according to one study that I read in 1975. Plus, you lose muscle mass by doing that much jogging. That’s why you would need to do double the amount of ‘picking up change’ moves if you want to maintain muscular glutes. Unfortunately, you need to limit circle pit cardio if you want to be jacked.”

Personal trainers typically recommend their clients attend shows featuring heavy bands.

“The gym can be extremely limited in what it can provide for you physically,” said fitness coach Michael Bonifer. “Sure, we have treadmills and elliptical machines, but if you really want to get your blood flowing you need to be attending shows that encourage movement and punching unsuspecting strangers in the back of the head. Hardcore and metal guys are some of the most fit people on the planet. However, they don’t look like it, but that’s mainly because of all the beer and Hot Pockets they eat. That will always offset any running you do.”

At press time, Wilder pulled a muscle during a circle pit and was forced to take three to five weeks off of running.

Jesus Christ! Rosie O’Donnell Just Revealed That Every Koosh Ball She Launched Into Her Talk Show’s Audience Was Purposely Infected With Scarlet Fever

Posted on by Steve Packosky

If you’re around millennial age, chances are pretty high that you got home from school every day to find your mother watching the newest episode of “The Rosie O’Donnell Show,” which aired for six seasons between 1996 and 2002. This seemingly banal variety talk show featured celebrity interviews, extended production scenes from topical Broadway shows, and jokes mailed in from children around the country. While the show itself was fairly nondescript amongst the sea of like-minded programs pervading the airwaves at the time, The Hard Times has recently discovered a sinister bit of information regarding its presenter.

It turns out the bubbly, chatty host occupying our living rooms for the better part of a decade was actually a diabolical bioterrorist. Good God!

Throughout certain episodes, O’Donnell (and sometimes the presumably unaware and well-intentioned guest) would launch Koosh balls into the audience, which was presented as a light-hearted gag and appeared to be well-received by those in attendance for the tapings. However, in a recent interview with People, O’Donnell admitted that every Koosh ball was purposely infected with Streptococcus pyogenes, colloquially known as scarlet fever. While the details of her access to this largely controlled scourge of the pre-antibiotic era are unknown, O’Donnell appears unapologetic for these heinous crimes, stating that her exasperation with being forced to repeatedly interview Barbara Streisand and the Spice Girls to entertain bored baby-boomers across America was the impetus for her reprehensible actions, Furthermore, she states that her only regret was that the show’s cancellation in 2002 prevented her from infecting more innocent bystanders.

Holy shit! Like you, we are completely stunned at the unrepentant and unabashed lens through which O’Donnell views her past atrocities.

Following these shocking and horrific admissions, epidemiologic investigators have been able to link four outbreaks of scarlet fever in midtown Manhattan that killed seven children in 1998 to tapings of the Rosie O’Donnell show at Rockefeller Studios, which tragically is not an exhaustive list of victims. As the coming weeks unfold, we are sure to see the true scale of suffering caused by the evil, vindictive trespasses of this disgruntled entertainer. One fact is certain amidst all the unknowns at this time: such behavior should not go unpunished.

Will there be justice for this unspeakably vile assault on the health of our country’s most vulnerable citizens? We’re unsure if a precedent even exists for a decades-old case of deliberate, Koosh ball-fueled spreading of harmful pathogens, but we can only pray that the statute of limitations has not run its course. Rosie O’Donnell may have brightened our moods consistently throughout the latter years of the nineties, but every day she enjoys outside the constraints of a jail cell is an absolute affront to the moral, legal and hygienic order of our society.

Battle of the Bands Ends in Fragile Ceasefire Agreement

Posted on by Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — A ceasefire has been reached after tense backstage negotiations at this weekend’s Battle of the Bands, confirmed relieved sources.

“As fragile and temporary as it may end up being, all the bands agreed to stop with onstage verbal attacks, which is a great first step,” explained event promoter Lou Esparza. “We’ll see what else comes of it but I just know we can’t go on like this. At the last Battle of the Bands, someone pulled the fire alarm as the winners were about to be announced. It was chaos. The record executives that were there to award the winners a six-album deal had seen enough and left. But finally, both sides agreed not to retaliate.”

EJ Raser, whose band Lefternal lost the battle, views the ceasefire as a small yet meaningful victory especially for newer groups trying to gain ground on the more veteran acts that make a living in the battle scene.

“This ceasefire is more than record contracts and notoriety, it represents an opportunity for us to secure basic rights—like a place of our own to store our gear. Right now, our instruments get shoved into the venue’s janitor closet all the way on the other side of the venue—it’s inhumane,” said Raser. “We bring in crowds. These veteran bands, because they’ve been doing this longer and receive funding from their industry allies to spend on larger and more expensive gear, cozy up to the promoter for prime spots on the bill and private areas to stash their gear and hang out.”

Jess Bassi, an expert in competitive band competitions, says this type of power struggle is common during these types of events.

“It becomes a volatile ecosystem where the entrenched veteran acts—backed by venue staff and promoters—assert dominance over the newer bands,” Bassi explained. “What complicates this is really a matter of perception versus reality. Sure, the newer bands bring in an audience of family and friends—and, in theory, their support—but that support often translates to nothing more than shaky vertical videos that end up on an Instagram story and go nowhere. So, while the ceasefire is a good step, until the younger acts get real, actionable support from their audiences—not just fleeting attempts at scoring imaginary internet points—nothing much will change.”

At press time, veteran Battle of the Bands act, Tuff Enuff, has agreed to promote an upcoming competition, which is a first for the group and a hopeful sign that peace may be possible.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Zillowing Homes In Canada

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week in the confusing hell-scape that is life. Just because the world seems to be crumbling at an alarming rate doesn’t mean that we can’t stop and enjoy things every once in a while. Or, at least that’s what our increasingly anxious therapist says. One of the easiest things to do to brighten your mood and cleanse your news-addled brain is listen to new music. Because we love you, here are five new handpicked songs to get you on your way.

Fime ‘Better Half Of A Dollar’

If you’ve been planning an overnight drive to the depths of hell and need a song to keep you awake and focused, look no further than Fime’s latest, ‘Better Half Of A Dollar.’ Equipped with a driving backbeat, relentless guitars, and a full-throttle vocal performance that will make you wonder if you should be screaming too, the track is a tour de force of chaos. We’re borrowing your friend’s description of your life, but we mean it positively in regard to the song.

AJJ ‘Psychic Warfare (demo)’

If you’re somehow unfamiliar with the long-running folk-punk institution AJJ, just picture “Weird” Al Yankovic suddenly pivoting into earnest songwriting about some of the most depressing topics you’ve ever heard. If that sounds like something you’re into, you should listen immediately. The band just released a handful of demos from their excellent album ‘Good Luck, Everybody’ and the timing is unfortunately apt.

Squid ‘Cro-Magnon Man’

Imagine yourself in a seedy alley. A crazed man claiming to be Jeff Lynne from the future offers you a pitiful self-rolled cigarette. You quit months ago, but you decide to be polite. How often do you get to bum a square from THE Jeff Lynne from the future? You take a drag and realize you are now full on tripping on DMT. The fractalized stranger now wants your feedback on his new ‘demo.’ As it oozes from his phone, you just hear Squid’s ‘Cro-Magnon Man.’

Sleigh Bells ‘Bunky Pop’

Your friends often judge you for living in the past. The summer of 2012, in fact, when Sleigh Bells’ ‘Reign of Terror’ was in full swing. Well, friend, it’s time to start living in the new age. A magical era in which Sleigh Bells are prepping a new horrifyingly catchy rule over the guitar pop dominion. ‘Bunky Pop’ is the second single from their upcoming album ‘Bunky Becky Birthday Boy’ and it’s a hell of a lot more fun to dance to than that album name is to say out loud.

Idle Heirs ‘Pillow Talk’

Don’t let the title fool you. Idle Heirs ‘Pillow Talk’ sounds less ‘sweet nothings whispered late at night’ and more ‘apocalyptic sermon screamed through the sentient severed head of a goat.’ The crushing riffs and relentless intensity make any chance of a peaceful night in with your crush completely impossible. It’s the kind of song that rattles the walls, scrambles your thoughts, and leaves you wondering if sleep was ever an option in the first place.

If you need more songs to get through the dystopian dread, don’t worry! We’ve compiled these and others into a handy playlist that you can listen to before the intermittent internet outages of 2026 start. Listen, save, and disassociate below:

Israel’s Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six More Weeks Of Genocide

Posted on by Amy Currul

TEL AVIV — IDF soldiers and fellow genocidal maniacs alike were excited to witness Israel’s version of Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow Monday morning, which historically symbolizes another six more weeks of genocide, sources confirmed.

“This is my least favorite day of the year. They yank me out of my home in the morning, point their guns at me, and then celebrate as I cower in fear. I’d say they treat me as bad as the people in Gaza, but they actually give me food and they aren’t actively trying to kill me,” said the groundhog shortly after the ceremony. “Unfortunately for everyone in Palestine, my shadow was there, and now the Israeli government will use that as their excuse to ignore ceasefire deals and invade the West Bank. But I have a sneaking suspicion they would have done it even if I’d seen nothing.”

Zionists admit they are looking forward to the immediate future of running Palestinians out of their homeland, bombing entire villages out of existence, and murdering them systematically, a springtime tradition for the last 58 years.

“We have an incredibly complex infrastructure wherein the buildings reflect light in such a way that the groundhog always sees its shadow,” said Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Israel would look weak if we decided to stop the genocide now, thankfully nobody is actually going to stop us. The groundhog is a cute excuse to keep up these bombing campaigns as long as we can. The troops we have in the West Bank have already recorded a nice video thanking the groundhog for giving them permission to displace anyone living there. ”

Recently laid-off American State Department employee and X user Zack Smith pointed out another contributing factor as to the groundhog not acting of his own accord.

“Israel’s Punxsutawney Phil is actually flown in from Pennsylvania. Groundhogs are not native to this part of the world,” said Smith. “This is another example of the American government funding Israel’s genocide by providing weapons and America denying its part in a genocide resulting in murdering thousands more Palestinians. They are actually requesting more groundhogs so they can continue the excuse.”

At press time, Israel printed their own version of “The Old Farmer’s Almanac” which predicts 2025 will be a year of heavy genocide.

Overworked Emotional Support Dog Now Requires Its Own Smaller Emotional Support Dog

Posted on by Rachel Hein

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Local emotional support dog Gus is reportedly “at his limit” and has sought his own emotional support from local Yorkipoo, Lil Mama, confirmed sources who could use a few therapy animals themselves.

“It’s not a nine to five, you know? You’re never off the clock in this business,” said Gus, the Labrador Retriever, wearing a vest that read, “don’t pet me, I’m working.” “Sure, I wait at the door for the person I support. When she watches the same news cycle on loop, I know to lick her face repeatedly. And when she scrolls on her phone for too long, I pee on the carpet so she has to get up. I put in the work. Eventually I’ll think, ‘thank god, she’s finally asleep’ and then the heaving sobs start again. Long story short, I found myself gradually turning into the person I was supposed to emotionally support. It’s like the depression was contagious.”

Lil Mama, a toy poodle and Yorkshire Terrier, seemed geared up to provide support to Gus.

“Before I came on board as Gus’s personal certified ESA, he was alone with this millennial sad girl loser who got dumped or her mom died, or both. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention when he told me,” Lil Mama shared. “That’s why I’m here holding up the delicate emotional fabric of this household. Evidently, this woman previously had an emotional support cat. Those things don’t do anything unless you count vomiting on the kitchen floor as mentally comforting. If anything, her emotional state got worse from the feline companion and that instability was projected onto Gus.”

Spongecake, a watchful bulldog that lives next door, expressed concern for the growing number of emotional support animals one house over.

“He said Lil Mama assuaged his deep loneliness in a way that heretofore he believed could only come from the biggest stick in the world. Yeah, right!” Spongecake said with a snort. “Oh, and get this, last week he mentioned Lil Mama had her eye on a potential emotional support squirrel for herself, in case things got worse. That’s ridiculous. All you need is the perfect stick to really turn your mental state around. I suggest they all just rummage through the backyard. That’s how I get out of a funk.”

At press time, Lil Mama pressed her nose up against Gus’s asshole to sniff it, which gently reminded him that everything was going to be okay.

Fuck! I Accidentally Showed Competency in My Job and Now I’m Expected To Do Stuff

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Fuck! I made a huge mistake at work and now I’m paying for it dearly. My huge mistake? Not making mistakes!

Unlike my coworkers, I’m not constantly fucking shit sideways. I’ve shown a level of competency at my job which means my superiors are now dependent on me to make sure that the work is done correctly around the warehouse. Has said competency been rewarded with an increase in pay? Nope, just a mounting pressure to continue going above and beyond or I will be fired.

My main problem is that I’ve shown the ability to critically think and solve problems which keeps getting more work piled on top of me. For example, I was the guy who figured out how to get the squirrels out of the roof rafters so now I’m the head squirrel guy. I’ve also been tasked with operating the shipment tracking software, fixing the constantly clogged toilet, and calming down the boss when his ego gets hurt. Wrangling squirrels and my temperamental boss are very taxing jobs which are well beyond my job description of forklift operator.

The thing I’ve come to realize is my fellow employees aren’t dumb. In fact they’re actually quite smart because they know that effort isn’t rewarded around here. I asked my boss for a raise and was told “Work is its own reward” and explained to me how work makes you free. I would try to work less or make some mistakes but they already know that I know better. This means that they’re less likely to be lenient on me when I screw up, unlike how lenient they are with Steve the Screwup who as the name implies is a screw-up. They let him do whatever because they don’t expect anything out of him making him the smartest guy here.

When I threatened to quit, my supervisor counter-threatened to write a stellar letter of recommendation for me and send it to any new bosses I might have. It would be filled with effusive praise of my abilities and what a hard worker I was, meaning no matter where I went, this specter of competency would follow. Maybe it’s time to fake my death so I can start fresh elsewhere. I’ll get Steve the Screwup to fake dropping a tower of pallets on me. Or maybe he’d actually kill me because of his constant screw-ups. Either way, I’ll finally be free.

Priest on “Holy Diver” Album Cover Probably Deserved It

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest depicted being whipped by a giant demon probably deserved what was happening to him, sources report.

“Yeah, I emerged from Hell with a whole planned agenda to take over the world,” the demon offered. “I didn’t even have a set strategy of punishing members of the Catholic Church, but when I saw the clergyman I instinctively hit him with my whip. Normally, I have a pretty strict checklist to ensure people are wicked before torturing them, but come on. This is a priest we’re talking about. I don’t think an exhaustive background check is needed, and also, we’re close to Boston for Christ’s sake. Have you seen ‘Spotlight’? We can just presume the worst and not subject ourselves to a deep dive on this guy’s past.”

Artist Randy Berrett saw eye to eye with the demon.

“I’m going to have to agree with the demon in this picture,” Berrett said. “When I was contracted to create the cover for Dio’s debut, I was given loose instructions on what the band wanted to see. As soon as I heard they wanted a priest being persecuted, I figured no follow-up questions were necessary. I usually like to come up with an elaborate backstory for my work, but one glance at this man fruitlessly attempting to flee in terror while being assaulted by a towering demon is all the context the viewer needs here.”

Sociologist Jeewani Peiris provided her expertise on the art.

“Given the Catholic Church’s unbelievably corrupt and evil history, we can always just assume men of the cloth deserve the horrific fates they meet in metal music,” Peiris offered. “At face value, it may seem repetitive to show priests being tormented and killed in artwork and music videos, but do we really need a lesson on why they’re clearly the bad guys? I don’t even do case studies on the subject anymore because they would be completely superfluous. Is anybody watching, for instance, the music videos for ‘Hades Rising’ by Bloodbath or ‘Homage for Satan’ by Deicide and feeling bad for the preachers? It’s highly doubtful at this point.”

At press time, it was determined that the guy from the album cover for Slayer’s “Diabolus in Musica” probably deserved to be attacked as well, but no devil was brave enough to do it.

Anarchist Refuses to Answer Survey About His Experience at OfficeMax

Posted on by Josh Fernandez

SEATTLE — Local anarchist Tommy Greggors staunchly declined to answer a survey about his experience at OfficeMax, confirmed sources.

“I simply refuse to let the ruling class tell me what to do in the third largest office supply retailer in the country,” said Greggors as he tried but failed to unsubscribe to the store’s email distribution list. “Just because I had to buy more cyan and magenta cartridges for my color printer, doesn’t mean I want to willingly take part in the corporatocracy of America. Sure, Kevin did wonders helping me locate the exact HP ink I needed and I really do hope he gets that promotion he’s up for, so I just had to leave a glowing, 600-word Google review about his efforts. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to fill out a five-question survey. Go to Hell, OfficeMax.”

Friends of Greggors were getting a little tired of him taking stances against local retail stores.

“Tommy tries really hard to protest corporations, but the only things it’s damaging are his friendships,” said Jenn Plywater. “Last week he asked me to purchase a 50-inch television for him from Best Buy and he would reimburse me, all because he said he didn’t want to personally participate as a cog in the wheel of ‘late-stage capitalism.’ I don’t think he knows how capitalism works. That’s why I pocketed the money he gave me and instead supplied him with my 10-year-old, 26-inch Visio. He’ll never know the difference. Anarchists notoriously do not know how to use a ruler so he’ll never check the screen size.”

Experts did not seem to respect the anarchic movement.

“Anarchists are constantly putting their energy into things that won’t make progress on their agenda,” said political strategist Victoria Martin. “In theory, they’d like to eradicate institutions that seek to perpetuate authority and hierarchy. But in reality, they’d just like to see the iPad tip screen abolished. Also, If we want to take anarchists seriously they have to start holding political office. But unfortunately they’d have to buy a suit and dress shoes for that. If we know anything about anarchists, they hate Men’s Wearhouse.”

At press time, Greggors had no choice but to delete Instagram from his phone after a notification pop-up asked him, “Are you enjoying this app?”

5 Tips for Attracting and Retaining Top Talent Into Your Godsmack Tribute Band

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Employers need to be consistently sure that they’re checking every box to ensure the field’s best professionals are not only drawn to their businesses, but fulfilled and content once they’ve signed on. This is truer now than at any other time in recent memory, as the Great Resignation of 2021 showed us that employee attrition can happen at any time, and at a much greater scale than previously thought possible.

These same principals can be applied to your nascent Godsmack tribute band. You’ve compiled an eager group of backing musicians who have collectively perfected the Drop D-tuned riffage and soulpatch-infused attitude needed to excel in today’s climate of semi-ironic nu-metal nostalgia. The only thing missing is the perfect Layne Staley-imitating lead singer. Here are 5 tips to make sure you’re able to snag and hold on to the best your area has to offer!

1. Strengthen your brand

You need to be aware of the target audience here. Sure, “Demigodsmack” is actually a pretty good pun for a band name, but do you really think an aspiring Godsmack tribute band singer appreciates such wittiness? Try something simpler, with a bit of an edge to it. “Godfuckinsmack” or “God Bitchslap” should serve as eye-catching band names that any prospective frontman would be happy to join, provided doing so doesn’t violate the conditions of his parole. Remember, you’re not looking for a Pulitzer Prize-winning wordsmith here, so don’t waste too much time coming up with something clever when it’s just going to go over the head of your prospective new member.

2. Incentivize with appropriate on-site job perks

This will work wonders in enticing the perfect singer, and contrary to what you may be dreading, it won’t break the bank! A simple line added to your Craiglist ad mentioning that the rehearsal space is perpetually stocked with Busch Lite and Slim Jims will effectively triple the responses you get in the first week. Also, now’s the time for you and your bandmates to take up smoking Camel No Filters, as knowing he’ll always have someone to bum a smoke from will definitely increase the likelihood that a top-tier Godsmack-emulating singer will want to join. If any current members take umbrage with the new smoking requirement, kindly inform them they’re no longer needed and expand your search accordingly.

3. Develop an effective onboarding process

Any new member is going to be a little timid in his first days, so it’s necessary to have a system in place to make sure he’s gradually incorporated into the band while given the tools and information he’ll need to be at the top of his game come showtime. Consider enacting a mentorship program with a more senior band member acting as a guiding force both in and out of the band, whether the issue is difficulty remembering song lyrics or apprehension over the possibility of getting caught with that dirtbike he stole from the Boston Market parking lot. Remembering that his problems are your problems is paramount to your band performing at its full potential.

4. Prioritize member engagement

Do your members look forward to weekly practice, or do they anticipate it with dread, boredom, or some combination thereof? Make sure the experience is fun for everyone by scheduling team-building activities centered around shared behavior, such as petty theft from the local 7-11 or the irresponsible mishandling of fireworks. Having a fun group activity to look forward to will motivate your new member to come to practice, particularly in the early days when your bassist keeps fucking up the intro licks to “Voodoo.”

5. Emphasize career progression

Your first show might be at an empty firehall, but you might end up opening for a Mudvayne tribute band someday. A shared goal between all members is important in taking the band to where you want it to be, so make sure the new singer is aware of this from his first day of practice onward. Don’t be afraid to aim high, either! Having your music played in a Navy commercial like the band you’re emulating may seem like a lofty goal, but you’re sure to land among the stars even if you miss the moon!
There you have it. By following these simple, common-sense tips, you can make sure your Godsmack tribute band dominates your local nu-metal scene for as long as you’re able to stay out of jail. Good luck!