Merch Table Looks Suspiciously Like Garage Sale

Posted on by James Klinger

WAUSAU, Wis. — The products for sale at local thrash metal band Hellhund’s merch table reportedly looked more like a garage sale, confirmed sources currently checking out a 15-year-old silverware set.

“The band was okay, I guess, but what really caught my eye was the variety at their merch table,” reported concertgoer Jim Letter before asking the price of a bowling pin table lamp he was interested in. “Usually it’s some crappy printed t-shirt that doesn’t fit right, or a beer koozie. These guys are way ahead of their time, even for a bargain bandit like me. I managed to snag a gently used elliptical and even some yarn for my wife. Everything was so affordable that I even have enough money leftover to buy a $14 beer.”

Hellhund admitted that they financially struggled before diversifying their merch table.

“We weren’t making much money from our shows so our manager, my mom, came up with the revolutionary idea of selling some of our old stuff. So far it’s been a hit,” detailed drummer Roy Evans. “Now we’re packing the bars for our shows, the crowd loves us and people are moshing in the pit with antique vases. It’s so metal. I just hope my grandma doesn’t show up to our shows and see her jewelry for sale.”

Veteran band King Sludge’s merch guy Sean Callahan was clearly jealous of Hellhund’s popularity.

“I don’t really get how they’re selling so much merchandise,” Callahan explained. “Their line is always filled after the show despite us being the headliners. King Sludge has been filling this place for years, our sound blows people away, and our logo is way cooler, so I don’t understand. We’ve got shirts for $69.99, key chains for $35.99, and one of a kind pins for $45 apiece. What do they have, some hand painted mugs? They’ve never even been cheered on enough for an encore. It seems like the crowd can’t wait for the concert to be over. Wait a minute, is that our singer leaving their table and why does he have a patio set?”

As of writing, Hellhund is currently unloading their U-Haul rental and making plans to hire a moving company to focus on their next single, “Thrift to Thrill.”

Israeli Doctors Suggest Treating Biden’s Cancer With Indiscriminate Bombing, Followed by Starvation

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GREENVILLE, Del. — Top doctors from all over Israel travelled to the United States to prepare a course of action to treat former President Biden’s prostate cancer, which will involve heavy bombing followed by a starvation campaign, sources confirmed.

“Joe Biden is revered in Israel for all he did during his presidency to make sure our country was armed with the most technologically advanced weapons of warfare the world has ever seen. We want to pay him back by helping treat this cancer and getting him back on his feet,” said Dr. Eitan Peretz. “The best course of action against something as evil as cancer is to bomb it out. Surgery is no longer a viable option, it’s too diplomatic, and the cancer could be allowed to regroup and come back stronger than ever. We have new bomb technology that could level President Biden’s cancer to dust. After that aggressive treatment, it’s best to starve him entirely. We won’t allow him to have food or clean water for months, it’s the only way to guarantee the problem is eradicated for good.”

Top Democrats in the Senate were excited to see President Biden working so closely with Israeli doctors.

“Israel has the best healthcare system in the world, all paid for by generous American taxpayers. He really is in great hands, if Israel is half as good at keeping people alive as they are at killing people in Gaza then President Biden could live another 30 years. And we really need him in 2028,” said Senator Cory Booker (D-N.J.). “Because these doctors are being so generous with their time, I’m going to introduce a new funding bill that will give Israel carte blanche when it comes to weapons systems. It’s literally the least we can do to help our allies.”

Former President Biden remains optimistic about the future despite being informed that the cancer metastasized in his bones.

“Listen Jack, I’ve taken down bigger thugs than prostate cancer. I remember back when I was a teenager I used to go to this swimming pool and there was this guy there, everyone called him Smooth Tony, he was really Italian, you knew it because how greasy he was. Anyway, Smooth Tony challenged me to a drag race, and my car had never been beaten,” said Biden, trying not to nod off. “Where was I? So I said to the guy running the soda jerk that I’m not one to be trifled with. He ended up giving me an entire glazed ham. I loved that ham. I married that ham. Can someone turn the sun back on? I’m freezing my ass off here.”

At press time, the official White House doctor claimed President Trump is so physically fit that cancer cells are afraid to infect him.

IDF Warns Gaza Children’s Hospital Harboring Reincarnated War Criminals

Posted on by Matt Husser

TEL AVIV — The Israeli Defense Force defended their lethal bombing of a Gaza Children’s Hospital today by alleging that the kids inside were reincarnated Hamas war criminals, sources confirmed.

“We’ve recently discovered evidence that the reincarnated souls of dangerous Hamas terrorists have infiltrated the bodies of several youth-adjacent Palestinians in this so-called ‘Children’s Hospital’, and planned to use them as vessels to carry out their nefarious plot to wipe Israel off the map,” said General Yaniv Salama from the Israel Defense Force. “Thankfully our brave soldiers have wiped out the NICU harboring this Samsaran threat, but this is just one battle in the ongoing war on rebirth. Rest assured that whatever body these war criminals decide to reincarnate into next—be it children, journalists, or foreign humanitarian aid workers—we will find them and exterminate this metaphysical menace.”

Marshall Whitman, a spokesperson from AIPAC, later went on Fox News to strongly denounce the spiritual threat.

“The cowardly act of smuggling souls inside the bodies of children is Hamas’ most despicable plot yet—Abrahamic religions don’t even believe in reincarnation, which just goes to show you the lengths dead Palestinians will go to harm Israel,” said Whitman. “After this frightening revelation, I think we have to assume every Palestinian is a potential threat being used as a human shield by these dastardly spirits and must be eliminated. We must also consider the possibility that they possessed the missiles that were dropped on the hospital to frame the IDF, even though we did nothing wrong.”

US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reiterated that rooting out reincarnated war criminals and terrorists was a priority of the Trump administration.

“We want to make it clear that antisemitic transmigrants are not welcome in America, and our brave warfighters are ready to root out any reincarnated terrorists both domestic and abroad,” said Hegseth, wincing and exhaling sharply after taking a sip from his coffee cup. “I mean what’s next, dreamwalking indoctrination? Voodoo assassinations? Planting psychic IEDs in our minds? If they’ve already learned how to reincarnate into children, they’re likely already infiltrated Democratic politicians, college protesters, and that judgemental prick that runs my AA meetings.”

At press time, Israeli settlers claimed that they were forced to bulldoze a row of Gaza houses after a malevolent Palestinian poltergeist possessed the buildings.

Little Victory: My Ex’s New Last Name Sucks

Posted on by Zac Lux

In life, you need to claim victories when you can, no matter how minor. That’s why I will be spending the entire day celebrating the fact that my ex-girlfriend’s new last name is embarrassing as hell after she recently got married.

There I was, doing my weekly stalking of her Instagram page when I saw it. She updated her user handle to the most ridiculous last name I’ve ever heard. Sure, she married an independently wealthy man who runs his own charity and they just closed on their 2.5 million dollar house, but at the end of the day, you can’t run away from a surname like Assjhole. Evidently, the “H” is silent.

After all, she could’ve been Mrs. Seymour Wiener. But no. She just had to break up with me and lose that name change opportunity because, according to her, she needed someone with more emotional intelligence. What a tool.

Oh, and get this. She is already pregnant with their first child. Cannot believe she’s bringing an Assjhole into this world. That could’ve been my Assjhole kid!

Unfortunately, she seems pretty happy in her new life despite the shit name. I didn’t think that was possible. I mean, do you think Elon’s kid X Æ A-12 Musk is going to grow up to be happy with a name like that? Surely, he’ll be embarrassed to share a last name Musk. The first name is pretty cool though.

But whatever, now she has to update her driver’s license, credit cards, and Costco membership with her new last name. Then everyone will see what a foolish surname she’s wielding. Who knows? Maybe someone will bully her online so much that she changes her mind. And maybe that bully will be anonymous, who maybe even once stole 20 bucks out of her purse from her. You never know.

So, Monica Assjhole, if you’re reading this, please take me back. There’s still time to upgrade your last name to a more socially acceptable one.

Barenaked Ladies Threaten to Release Another Song Unless Tariffs on Canada Are Lifted

Posted on by Steve Packosky

TORONTO — Canadian rock band Barenaked Ladies responded to U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs on their country by threatening to release another single, horrified sources report.

“Donald Trump has upended decades of free trade between our two countries,” Barenaked Ladies singer Lloyd Robertson said. “We had intended this as a last resort, but unless he makes the extremely prudent decision to lift them, we will pervade the airwaves with another one of our insufferable songs. Does he not remember how awful ‘One Week’ was? Does he really want to subject his country’s citizens to my pseudo-rapping over uninspired college rock? We really didn’t want it to come to this, but what happens now is entirely up to him. He has 48 hours to come to a decision.”

President Trump was visibly shaken by the threat.

“I didn’t even consider this possibility,” Trump complained. “Don’t get me wrong, I still think the tariffs are a great idea, some say the best idea a President has ever had. I just didn’t think Canada would resort to such drastic measures in response to them. I was prepared for our economy to take a hit, but this is something else entirely. I don’t think I’m prepared for the fallout of another song by the Barenaked Ladies. This is undoubtedly the biggest decision of my presidency, and I’m going to have to think for a bit before I respond. Luckily I have many experts to meet with in making my decision. Big, strong experts. You wouldn’t believe how big these experts are.”

Trade expert Gretchen Aaberg discussed the threat from Barenaked Ladies.

“I have been studying trade for decades, and I’ve never seen anything this serious,” Aaberg provided. “Society barely made it through one Barenaked Ladies song without collapsing, and I shudder to consider the effects of another. Just the thought of hearing that guy rant about Chinese chickens or Harrison Ford again is enough to send chills down my spine. Hopefully this is the message that finally gets through to Trump, because it undoubtedly goes without saying that his tariffs are the dumbest economic policy enacted by any President in our country’s history. All we can do now is pray that he makes the right decision, for all of our sakes.”

At press time, Sum 41 decided to join Barenaked Ladies on the threat to release another song.

Local Man Hoping Fact He Worked Phrase “Late-Stage Capitalism” Into Conversation Makes Him Appear Smart

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Mick Lovell attempted to weave the phrase “late-stage capitalism” into casual conversation, hoping it would make his friends respect his intelligence, sources confirmed.

“I recently learned the phrase while listening to NPR in the back of an Uber. But I’ll be honest, it was a 25-minute car ride so I fell asleep a few times and I didn’t really understand what the conversation was about, I just knew it seemed really smart,” said Lovell. “I finally found the perfect time to bust it out to wow everyone when I was out to dinner with a few friends, and they were talking about how the abandoned mall in our hometown burned down because teenagers lit fireworks inside there. That’s when I hit them with ‘That’s late-stage capitalism for you.’ The table went quiet, they all looked at me in awe. It was so impressive that the waiter even came over and asked me if my food was tasting ok because he probably thought I was some big shot food critic with an IQ of 210.”

Lovell’s longtime friend Danny Haywood was at the table that night.

“We were all having a great time laughing and catching up on old times when Mick chimed in with the capitalism nonsense. After he said it he leaned back in his chair and put his arms behind his head with this smug expression on his face that confused all of us,” said Haywood. “My wife asked him to explain what he meant and that just made things way worse. He started mumbling about gender roles and then faked like he was choking and ran to the bathroom. The secondhand embarrassment was so overwhelming I nearly passed out.”

Sociologist Anna Duncan says there is more evidence that people are trying to inject buzzwords into conversations to appear more intelligent.

“I don’t want to blame everything on Joe Rogan, but fucking hell, almost everything can be blamed on that meatball. There was a time when men were proud to be dumb, they made up for it by being tough, but now they want to be smart guys who can kick your ass,” said Duncan. “Unfortunately for society, these men are only able to regurgitate half-formed thoughts presented by discredited ‘experts’ and we have an entirely new breed of men who punch through drywall while talking about microbiomes.”

At press time, Lovell’s Google history was littered with the search ‘What can I say to make people respect me?”

We’ve Been Waiting Behind the Boathouse for 30+ Years but the Guy From The Toadies Has Yet To Appear and Show Us His Dark Secret

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

You may think of us as just piddling music journalists, but we here at the Hard Times are hard-hitting investigative reporters as well. When we get a sniff on a lead, we remain dedicated to getting the story no matter how long it takes. Which is why when the lead vocalist and songwriter for the Toadies sang, “Behind the boathouse / I’ll show you my dark secret,” in “Possum Kingdom,” track four on the 1994 album Rubberneck, we knew the story was behind the boathouse. We’ve been waiting 30 years so far, but we’re still feeling positive.

We’re not gonna lie, it’s pretty cold and damp behind the boathouse, and we’ve missed out on a lot of important milestones that most folks our age and also a vast majority of society have experienced. But we know when to quit. And now is not that time. Any minute now, he’s gonna show up, and he’s going to BLOW US AWAY with his dark secret. Any minute now.

We know when to give it up. The lead, that is. And this lead couldn’t possibly be a dead end, especially when we know our source is trustworthy. I guess one might call him a reliable narrator. So when Vaden T. Lewis (we won’t use his full name to protect his identity) promised he’d treat us well (AND called us sweet angels?!), we KNEW that he’d come through. He’ll be here. He probably just got stuck in traffic.

We’ve made up our mind. We’ve decided to walk with him around the lake tonight and, well, honestly, every night for the last 30 years. God, lakes and the areas immediately surrounding them are fucking cold and muddy though. We might be developing trench foot. Good thing we’re warmed up by the burning thought of how good this dark secret’s gotta be.

Wait, there’s not more than one boathouse on this lake, is there? No? Okay, phew. Okay. Back to waiting.

“Do you wanna die?” is a question he asked us, and, like, that adds some bonus intrigue, for sure. If we’re being honest, the answer is no; we’d prefer not to die. Especially not from hypothermia. So whether he has the secret to eternal life or plans to murder us, answering him seems worth the wait alone.

Wait is that HIM!?! Oh no that’s some birds. When you’ve been waiting so long, sometimes the movement in the bushes seems like the lead singer of a popular ’90s grunge band.

I know it’s cold. I know it’s been a long time. I bet you’re not used to seeing such pure, unadulterated journalistic integrity. You probably find our patience terrifying.
But listen.

Don’t be afraid, we don’t mean to scare you. So help us, Jesus.

Aging Punk’s Weakened Piss Stream Now Eliminates Only Method He Uses to Clean His Toilet

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Local punk Corbin Stefanski’s weakening urine stream is severely limiting his ability to clean his toilet, according to several sources familiar with the situation.

“So normally I try to clean all the dookie stains on the inside of my toilet using what traditionally has been like a golden pressure washer,” said Corbin. “Now I don’t know what’s going on, but as I’ve gotten older the stream has gone the way of the Colorado river and just continues to drop more and more. It could be all those nut shots my friends have given me over the years, or maybe my prostate is squeezing my urethra tighter than the jeans I used to wear in high school. Either way, my toilet is filthy. Or at least filthier than normal.”

Corbin’s girlfriend Janice Waters was also concerned about his failing urination abilities.

“In any relationship it’s very important that both partners contribute,” said a miffed Waters. “I contribute to our house by paying for rent, electricity, water, groceries, and caring for Corbin’s sick mother. In a fair exchange we worked out it was decided that it’s Corbin’s responsibility to clean the bathroom. With his piss stream failing I’m naturally upset that he’s not living up to his end of the bargain. I would use my own piss to clean the toilet because my stream is nice and strong, but I just don’t have the same aiming abilities on account of not having a dick.”

Corbin’s physician from the local free clinic weighed in on the situation.

“The last time I checked Corbin’s prostate specific antigen he was at a 37. The normal number is below 4 so the dude needs help,” said Dr. Isaiah Kulp. “There’s like no way this dude doesn’t have cancer and he desperately needs to get in and get checked again. OJ had prostate cancer coming but Corbin doesn’t. Except Corbin seems more worried about not being able to clean his toilet versus the possibility that he has an illness. It’s like, dude, just use a toilet wand like everyone else! I will literally write him a prescription for a toilet wand if that’s what it comes to, though I wouldn’t be surprised if those cheap insurance bastards don’t pay for it.”

At press time, Corbin solved his dirty toilet situation by now only directly shitting into the storm drain outside of his house.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Pretending To Be Excited By Festival Lineups

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Spring is in full swing, and for the few days that aren’t ravaged by devastating storms or wild temperature fluctuations, it’s been amazing. Still, you’ve been feeling like something’s missing. As your social media feeds you bands from your youth reuniting to perform half-hearted versions of your favorite albums at prohibitively expensive festivals, you’re probably yearning for something new. That’s why we’ve taken the time to shove five new songs down your throat. It’s for your health.

Wavves “Spun”

Next month, Wavves will be releasing their ninth album “Spun.” The recently released title track plays out like Nathan Williams was granted access to Rivers Cuomo’s alleged vault of unreleased material and made off with one of the tracks in tow. It’s a blast of hooky power-pop with wall-to-wall guitars and melodies that only Williams or possibly a tied-up Cuomo in a basement could come up with.

Stolen Gun “THE GLORIOUS ARRIVAL OF THE NEW LORD AND SAVIOR”

In case you missed it, The Acacia Strain’s Vincent Bennett released a collection of demos under the name Stolen Gun. We would have written about it sooner, but we only recently were able to lift our heads off the floor after nearly being bludgeoned to death by the sonic assault that comprises all seven songs on the drop. While it will only take you about 10 minutes to listen to the whole thing, the horror will last a lifetime.

Guerrilla Toss “Psychosis Is Just A Number”

Close the blinds and get ready to practice your interpretive dance moves because Guerilla Toss is back with a new single. “Psychosis Is Just A Number” – which was produced by Stephen Malkmus – plays out like the Talking Heads melded with a litany of ‘80s new wave bands to form some unholy blob that decided to add a horn section before performing at a dance party in Hell. It’s great, and you might actually experience psychosis after a few spins.

La Dispute “I Shaved My Head”

In great news for people who love bands where the lead singer is just kind of loudly talking over the whole track, La Dispute has announced a new album, “No One Was Driving the Car.” It marks their first new LP since 2019, and based on the three tracks they shared with the announcement, it’s going to be a heavy affair. The opening track “I Shaved My Head” is an ominous churner built on an absolutely crunchy bass line that has made us too scared to listen to the other two singles. We’re sure they’re great, though.

Bleary Eyed “Susan”

Philly shoegazers Bleary Eyed just shared their latest hit of ‘90s nostalgia, “Susan” from their forthcoming album “Heaven Year.” Built atop a churning break beat and filled with synths and guitars that sound like they were recorded onto a VHS tape in a melting VCR, the track is as dreamy as dreamy can get. Take a break and get lost in a lush soundscape that will whisk you away to a magical time when you didn’t know what a smartphone was.

What? You want more? That’s certainly surprising given your aversion to anything new or uncomfortable, but we’ve got you covered anyway. Check out our ever-growing and ever-disorienting playlist that includes these songs and everything else we’ve pretended to listen to this year. Listen, follow, and share below:

Donald Trump Replaces Medal of Honor With a Piece of the Aggro Crag From Nickelodeon’s “Guts”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump made the decision to replace the country’s highest military decoration for valor in action with the grand prize from ‘90s Nickelodeon action show “Guts,” visibly disgusted sources report.

“The Medal of Honor was old, boring, outdated,” said President Trump. “I had men coming up to me, big men, coming up to me with tears in their eyes. You wouldn’t believe how big these men were. They said ‘Mr. President, can we replace the Medal of Honor with something better?’ And these men fought so hard, so hard. You know you can’t even say that about our great military anymore? ‘These men.’ No, you have to say ‘these people’ now because of the Radical Left. Just look at what they’ve done to our great country. It’s a disgrace, but we’re fixing that now. Going forward, our brave fighting men will have the honor of owning one of these, but only if they have the guts. D-d-d-do you have it?”

Past Medal of Honor recipient Reginald Cooper was none too pleased with the idea.

“I’m just glad I’ve already been awarded the actual Medal of Honor so I don’t have to take home one of those godawful things,” Cooper said. “I was recognized in 1968 for rescuing several men and risking my life to get more ammunition during an attack on one of our air bases during the Tet Offensive. Honestly, if I had known such gallantry would be rewarded with a garish, oversized rock that’s the color of neon-infused snot, I might not have behaved so selflessly. I certainly hope this doesn’t act as a deterrent for any potential heroes going forward.”

Historian June Martinez provided her expertise on the matter.

“This is just another example of Donald Trump tarnishing our nation’s storied history,” Martinez commented. “At this point, rationally minded Americans are completely numb to it. Whether he’s using meme coin with the potential for foreign oligarchs to secretly send him money in exchange for favors or ordering investigations into officials from his first term just because they said the 2020 election wasn’t stolen, Trump’s routine actions each day would be swift term enders for anybody else. Honestly, this stupid ‘Guts’ trophy is the most benign thing he’s done this week.”

At press time, Trump decided to present the first Aggro Crag piece to the guy who had taken a shit on Nancy Pelosi’s desk on January 6th.