Punk Walmart Greeter More of a Deterrent

Posted on by Ben Friedman

RICHFIELD, Minn. — Foot traffic at a local Walmart store has dropped off significantly after one of its greeters, unapologetic punk Steve McKenzie, has turned out to be more of a deterrent than a welcoming presence, confirmed sources.

“I came with my family yesterday when we were immediately accosted by some vagrant who began making pig noises at us and made a condescending comment to my son about coming to buy, as he put, ‘probably some shitty major label vinyl garbage.’ But then I saw his name tag and thought, ‘This is who Walmart is hiring these days?’” said Daniel Wallace. “I thought greeters were supposed to be old retired veterans, not crusties who look like they dumpster dive out back on their lunch breaks. We ended up leaving after he wouldn’t let us in without paying a $5 cover fee or giving him drugs. I’ve been treated better at Dollar General!”

Despite numerous complaints, McKenzie saw no issues with his job performance.

“I guess I’m supposed to greet people with a smile or whatever bullshit was in the job description, but do you see any of my coworkers providing good customer service having to cater to morons all day? If people don’t want to shop here because of me, it’s because they were never welcome in the first place,” said McKenzie. “I run the front the same as the house show doors I work: keeping out poseurs, jocks, and rednecks. My manager pulled me the other day and said the spikes and patches on my work vest are intimidating shoppers. Good, they should be afraid of me.”

Walmart’s Midwest district manager resigned to the fact that store greeters are almost always wildcards.

“The truth is, the position is for employees that can’t really do anything or would do more harm than good if given any real responsibility. But 98% of the complaints we receive are related to greeters acting like security but without preventing any shoplifting, or trying to hand out copies of their band’s EP to everyone. It’s killing our sales more than inflation,” said Roger Baker. “Despite Mr. McKenzie’s numerous write-ups, we’re stuck with him until we can find someone desperate enough for the job who also won’t pull knives on cops.”

As of press time, McKenzie was put on a final warning after several physical altercations with customers wearing MAGA hats, who make up 70% of the store’s clientele.

How To Fill Your Metal Scene’s Diversity Quota With a Weird Old Guy Who Moshes

Posted on by Steve Packosky

We all know representation matters. Whether it’s in the workplace or in our favorite movies and television shows, it’s important to give marginalized communities a voice in all aspects of society. This works in everybody’s favor, as the inclusion of heterogeneous perspectives in business, academia, and art invariably yields better results.

So there have been calls to up the diversity in your local metal scene, and you only just now realized that it’s comprised exclusively of white men in their twenties and thirties. Who would’ve thought that such a purposely unpleasant style of music would have such a narrow fandom? Anyway, this task might prove too difficult for your fellow Watertown, South Dakota headbangers, so here’s a guide to finding a weird old guy who moshes. We’re going to be completely honest in telling you that’s likely the best you’re going to be able to do here.

Start at the local firehall, where all the weird old guys like to pound shitty beers on weekday nights. Play some old AC/DC on the jukebox and see who gets into it. Any old drunk whipping out the air guitar to “Hells Bells” would surely be open to moshing at 0.75 speed while flailing his arms about unconventionally the next time Deicide comes to town, so find your guy and hand him a flier! Make sure you sweeten the deal beforehand by making sure all venues in your area have plenty of Busch Lite on hand, and a Blue Lives Matter flag outside their front doors certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Following the above steps should prove invaluable to getting one or two weird old guys at the next show, but how do you get them to mosh once they’re there? The answer is painfully simple: beer beer beer! It’s a known fact that the older you get, the more invaluable booze is to getting you in the moshpit. How else can you rationalize slamming into strangers over the death growls and blast beats of Suffocation and Dying Fetus when you’re at the age at which sleeping wrong can somehow throw your back out? Make sure your weird old guy is constantly hitting the sauce during the opening bands, even if it means dipping into your own coffers to make sure this is accomplished. After all, the beer this dude likes is dirt cheap, so don’t let the financial hit stop you, and be sure to keep your eyes on the prize. At this rate, he’ll be sure to throw down and hop in once Decapitated plays the opening riff of “Spheres of Madness.”

Success! You may not have an actually diverse metal scene, but you can at least kind of claim to now that your weird old guy is wheezing his way around the circle pit. Having somebody to awkwardly avoid for fear of causing a stroke or heart attack is the first step in your local scene becoming a beacon of diversity that those in other towns can only hope to aspire to, so give yourself a pat on the back in knowing that you’ve put forth more of an effort in being inclusive than 99% of others in the metal community. Great work, and stay tuned for our introductory CPR course for when your weird old guy inevitably collapses during a wall of death!

Nu-Metal Act Completely Ostracized From Local Scene for Spelling Their Band Name Correctly

Posted on by Steve Packosky

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Nu-metal band Deranged found themselves the pariah of their local scene for failing to misspell their band name, sources report.

“I wish somebody would’ve explained this rule to me when we started,” vocalist Teddy “Loco” Sampson lamented. “We would’ve been happy to change the spelling, but we already spent all our money on designing our logo and printing merch, and I already put in my two weeks at Famous Footwear. There’s no going back now. We’re just going to have to try to push forward and play some shows. We already got kicked off the bill for the upcoming Mudvayne concert down in Daytona Beach, which would’ve been huge for us. It really sucks that we have no other bands in our scene to team up with.”

Bassist Dave “Vermin Shock” Taylor from fellow Tallahassee nu-metal band Sikkened expressed his outrage at Loco’s actions.

“When I saw their logo on the bill for the Mudvayne show, I was incensed,” Taylor said as he fiddled with his Ibanez K5. “Everybody knows nu-metal bands aren’t permitted to spell their names correctly. I immediately got on the phone to everybody in our scene, and Deranged is now completely blackballed. I mean, how difficult would it have been to just spell their name ‘DRaynged’? At the very least, they could’ve flipped the ‘R’ around in the logo, but they didn’t bother with any of that. It’s truly offensive that they thought they could get away with this type of behavior. I’m just glad I discovered this before my band sullied its good name by playing on the same stage as them.”

Nu-metal expert Trina Seang provided her insight on the situation.

“Nu-metal appears to scoff at societal norms like grammar, but you’d be surprised at how strict the artists are otherwise,” Seang mentioned. “The list of transgressions a band can commit is pretty extensive, such as not using enough hair gel in your spikes or not having at least one band member who wears a mesh tank top. I wish I could say Deranged could work their way back from this, but I’m not aware of a single documented incident of a nu-metal band redeeming themselves after wrecking their reputation with other bands in their scenes. There’s honestly a better chance of them making it if they change their style to country or adult contemporary.”

At press time, Deranged further enraged their peers by writing a song in standard tuning with a six-string guitar.

Opinion: Is the World Ready for the First Openly Muppet Pope?

Posted on by Matt Husser

As the secret proceedings of the Papal Conclave draw to a close, millions of people around the world are waiting with bated breath for the announcement of the next Pope. But there’s a different conversation happening in Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock: Is the world ready for the first openly Muppet Pope?

Muppets have been an integral part of Catholicism for a millenia, even launching their own First Muppet Crusade when the Muppets took Constantinople in the year 1202. But the higher echelons of power have always been strictly off-limits to Muppetkind, as Muppets weren’t even allowed to become ordained to priesthood until Father Gonzarini was controversially ordained by an American Bishop in the 15th century before founding the oldest Catholic Church in Sesame Street.

Despite the discrimination they faced from the Church, it’s possible that an incoming Muppet Pope wouldn’t be the first — there were hushed whispers that 17th century Pope Grover IV was secretly a muppet due to his scraggly blue fur, flappy mouth, and googly eyes, but historical records could never substantiate this claim. However an openly Muppet Pope is another matter entirely, and would face scrutiny from more conservative Cardinals that believe Muppetry is a sin, interpreting Leviticus 19:19 “Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.” to mean that never shall the woollen fur of a Muppet be allowed to wear the sacred Papal robes.

But in recent years, more progressive stances have been adopted by the late Pope Francis, paving the way for darkhorse candidates like Cardinal Rizzo Ratzibaldi, a progressive Muppet Catholic who is a staunch advocate for Muppet rights and is outspoken about anti-Fraggle discrimination. The idea has even entered pop culture, with an alternative ending of the Oscar-nominated film Conclave showing a leading Cardinal candidate opening his robes to reveal his fuzzy Muppet fur before diving into a musical number.

When the Conclave finally ends and the white smoke pours into the sky signalling the election of a new Pope, keep an eye out for bits of felt and fluff ushering in a new era of Muppet Catholicism.

Study Finds Strong Correlation Between Binaca Use and a Hot Date With a Total Babe

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Sociologists at the University of Michigan have discovered a shocking correlation between Binaca use and an upcoming date with a smoking hot babe, sources report.

“We had expectations going into our field experiments, but this completely blew them out of the water,” said head researcher Carrie Robergh. “We performed an extensive field study over the course of several months, and Binaca was used as an accessory to anticipated intimacy with a totally bodacious hottie in over 80% of our findings. Moreover, the babe in question was completely out of the league of the Binaca user in almost 60% of cases. I don’t even think I need to say it out loud, but this can have staggering implications for horny nerds everywhere.”

Socially awkward dweeb Simon Dorkus reflected on the experiment as he prepared for a date.

“I’m not at all surprised by these findings,” Dorkus said while pushing his thick-rimmed eyeglasses up his nose. “I spend most of my time in Mathletes or playing ‘World of Warcraft’ with my friends, so it’s not every day that I get to go on a date with the prettiest girl in school. Of course I’m going to give myself a spritz of Binaca beforehand, as well as make sure my pants are properly hiked up above my bellybutton and my TI-83 is safely secured in my front left pocket protector. I can’t wait to see how impressed she is when I show her my prowess in calculating logarithms with bases other than 10.”

Dorkus’ date Katelynn Kapranski didn’t see eye to eye with him.

“I initially thought my date with Simon was a tutoring session,” Kapranski admitted. “I’m not doing very well in algebra and my parents won’t let me go to Sunday’s big game against the Wildcats if I don’t ace the midterm tomorrow. I’m the Homecoming Queen, so there’s no way I can miss it. However, when I saw Simon use Binaca before knocking at my front door, I knew this was in fact a date. I’m actually kind of impressed at his boldness, but my boyfriend Brett Norris is not going to be happy when he hears about this. He’s the captain of the football team, so Simon better be careful.”

At press time, the research team made a breakthrough discovery of a link between getting a kiss from the babe and hearing a resounding “whoooo” from an unseen audience.

Sad! Kid in Nirvana Shirt Doesn’t Even Know the Words to “Moist Vagina”

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

It was P.T. Barnum’s angsty cousin who once said, “There’s a poser born every minute,” and the older I get, the more I think truer words were never spoken. On the one hand, it’s cool that ‘90s alternative is experiencing something of a resurgence with today’s youth culture, but how sincere is it? On a recent trip to my sisters place to do laundry I met Trevin, her 12 year old son’s snot nosed friend, who I noticed was sporting a Nirvana T-Shirt but who, when pressed, couldn’t even recite the words to “Moist Vagina.”

I politely attempted to test my nephew’s friend by asking them, “ If you’re such a big Nirvana fan, what song is ‘I’ve been sucking the walls of her anus’ from?” and the kid just looked down at the floor and shuffled their feet awkwardly. He seemed deeply uncomfortable right away; that’s how embarrassed he was to be outed as a poser. Sorry Trevin, you may have the wherewithal to cut the Hot Topic tag from your oversized “In Utero” tee, but it’s clear you’ve never bothered to track down the Japanese “All Apologies” import with the “Moist Vagina” B-side. Pathetic.

As true audiophiles know, there has been an influx of “fake fans” lately — people who wear merch from bands they don’t know anything about just because they like the design. My nephew’s friend fit the fake fan profile perfectly. There was no patchy scruff below their chin, no interrupting people with, “Um, actually.” This pre-teen puke didn’t even say “I prefer their earlier stuff, before they sold out.”

I hate being a gatekeeper, so out of fairness, I gave the kid another chance to prove they weren’t a poser. This time, I threw them a softball. “Hey kid, what song is it where Kurt sings “Beans, beans, Jessie ate some beans?” It was painfully obvious from their one-word answer of “Huh?” that they had never experienced the lo-fi awesomeness of “Beans” from Montage of Heck. At this point, I doubted the kid could even tell the difference between “Mexican Seafood” and “Hairspray Queen.”

Oh, the kid knew “With the lights out, it’s less dangerous,” of course, but when I grilled them on the meaning behind “Pee pee pressed against my lips,” from “Floyd the Barber” suddenly I was “being inappropriate,” and “embarrassing” my nephew “again.”

Look, I’m just trying to do my part to educate today’s youth. Do you want a whole generation walking around in Iron Maiden T-shirts because they enjoy Steve Harris’s nuanced, gallop-style bass playing on “The Trooper” or because they think the zombie guy on all of Maiden’s albums looks cool? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Being a Nirvana fan isn’t about buying a cool-looking shirt and listening to “Nevermind” on Spotify. It’s about going on eBay and paying through the nose for an Australian copy of the “Hoarmoaning” EP on vinyl. It’s about knowing the difference between the “Outcesticide II” bootleg and “Outcesticide III.”

The encounter may have ended with my nephew and his friend running upstairs while muttering derogatory comments about me under their breath and my sister telling me I’m barred from her house because I “have no chill” but if that kid in the Nirvana shirt comes away from it with a new appreciation for the band’s music then it was all worth it.

Violent Femmes Finally Spring for Bass Drum

Posted on by Jeff Bender

MILWAUKEE — Legendary folk-punk group Violent Femmes announced Thursday that the band has finally bought a bass drum after 44 years of using just a snare and, occasionally, a 22” Weber Kettle Grill, excited sources reported.

“I want to be clear that this is just a trial period. We found a used bass drum at Rick’s Music and Christmas Shoppe on Brady Street and got a really good deal on it. But it’s fully refundable after 30 days,” said Gordan Gano, the Femmes’ guitarist and lead songwriter. “So we figured, eh, we’re going on tour, we have tons of expensive violins and acoustic basses, John [Sparrow, the Violent Femmes’ current drummer] has been a good boy. We’ll see how it goes. But if he gets at all uppity and starts thumping that thing more than once every four beats, we’re taking it away and sending it—and maybe him—back to Rick’s.”

Sparrow, the band’s intermittent drummer since 2005, reported nothing but excitement for his new piece.

“Wow, this really opens up a lot of avenues for me as a drummer,” Sparrow said. “I mean, the Femmes might have a completely different sound from now on. Instead of just brushing the snare with one hand and striking it on the two and four with the other, I can now go brush-dum-BAP, brush-dum-BAP—the ‘dum’ being the bass drum. Think how I could drive the beat in something like ‘Add It Up’ or go ‘bum-bum, bum-bum’ on ‘Blister in the Sun.’ I really think this could be my defining era as a drummer.”

Danielle Haim, songwriter and lead singer of the sister-group HAIM, advised Gano to tread lightly in terms of “feeding” a drummer.

“I’d be really careful with what you let him get away with,” said Haim, who’s been known to replace her drummer willy-nilly with a machine. “Make sure he knows this is a one-time thing and not by any means a ‘promotion’ or an invitation to play louder or—dear God—a fill. Otherwise, they can start building expectations for outrageous things like a tom-tom, a seat on the bus, or even a hotel bed. Whenever my drummer gets a little too ask-y, I just dub in a drum machine and have him sit in the corner and think about his choices.”

At press time, Gano was overheard denying Sparrow’s request for a cymbal.

Liberal Now Boycotting Google, Meta, Apple, Amazon, and X Spends Free Time Staring Blankly at Wall

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BOSTON — Local liberal Brian Mullins, who is boycotting any company that he sees as supporting a fascist regime, spends all of his free time staring at a wall with no idea what else he could be doing, sources who just created a Bluesky account confirmed.

“Seems like voting doesn’t do much good anymore, but I can still make my voice be heard with what companies I support. And now that I’ve stopped using all these tech products, I have time to just sit here and admire the Sherwin-Williams paint on the wall,” said Mullins. “Sitting here completely still and in total silence, since I’ve also boycotted Spotify, really seems like the best way to protest. I’m sure the complete inaction of me sitting in my apartment will get my message across to those who support fascism, if only there was some way I could get the message out. Besides, I can’t think of anything else to do anyway.”

Some of those close to Mullins understand his reasoning but wish they were included in the silent protest.

“I mean, I get it. He doesn’t want to support these dipshit oligarchs anymore but what he doesn’t realize is if you boycott anything run by a rich piece of shit you end up staring at your living room wall all day,” said Mullins’ friend Jeff Costa. “I’ve suggested to him that we go do an actual protest outside or help volunteer at a non-profit but he said he can’t drive anyway because he got rid of his Tesla and he is also boycotting Uber. When I told him he could just ride a bike he said that it sounded like ‘a lot of effort’ and that was the end of that.”

Stock market analyst Percy Conroy says these types of boycotts may not be having the effect that one would hope to achieve.

“We see this a lot on Wall Street where people boycotting this company or that company think they are making a difference on the market but honestly at best they’re causing a minor blip for a day or two and that’s only if they can somehow organize and boycott in sizeable numbers,” said Conroy. “And if causing the market to crash and companies to lose billions in value is their goal then they should’ve just voted for Trump in the first place.”

At press time, Mullins reported that he is now essentially on day 3 of a hunger strike since boycotting DoorDash for screwing their drivers out of their tips.

Here’s Why My Experience on “Rock of Love” Makes Me the Perfect Fit for This Hedge Fund

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Listen, it seems like you’re a little upset now that you know I embellished certain aspects of my resume to land this interview, but I think that’s a pretty standard phenomenon among job applicants. As far as I’m concerned, a counterfeit MBA from NYU Stern School of Business and a false claim of 8 years at Citadel is no different from misleading bullet points about supposed Spanish-speaking or C++ skills. With all that being said, let me tell you about a surprisingly applicable work experience that I actually have: a 2007 appearance on the popular VH1 dating show “Rock of Love.”

You may be asking yourself how that could possibly translate to success at one of the country’s biggest hedge funds. Well, let me ask you this: what’s of utmost importance in working here? No, well, yes, I would presume a thorough understanding of market dynamics is indeed invaluable, but I was talking about networking. I know that what I’m lacking in professional experience can more than be made up for in what I honed through the various alliances I forged in ensuring I was the 7th runner-up in winning all the affection Brett Michaels was able to muster while the cameras were on.

Also, one cannot excel in a hedge fund without attention to detail, and what did I do after noticing Brett graphically describe his arousal to the camera after seeing my left breast come out of my top while pole dancing in the first episode? That’s right. I made sure it happened two more times throughout the remainder of the series’ duration, which was pivotal seeing how far I made it, especially after I learned that he had referred to me as “dumb as shit” on more than one occasion.

I would also imagine that telephone negotiation skills are needed in this industry, and I proved my prowess during the phone sex competition in which my performance increased the measured blood flow to Brett’s penis more than that of 80% of the other contestants. I assure you, he didn’t think my presence was an “unforgivable HR fuck-up” as you’ve outspokenly noted several times since this interview started.

It seems like you’re really determined to bring our discussion to a premature close, which I don’t really understand, but I’ll respect your time and work with you in that so we can each be on our way. As such, I’ll forgo going into detail regarding the pertinent demonstrations of teamwork and collaboration inherent in the amazing chop block I executed during our mud football game that resulted in Lexi making it into the endzone, but to say it was instrumental in me getting some alone time with the bandana-clad heartthrob in the Affliction shirt would be a huge understatement.

No, there’s no need to call security. I’ll show myself out, but I’ll close by telling you that, while my skills may be unconventional, I have no doubt that they make me the most qualified candidate for this position. I’ve made it exceedingly clear that a broken heart and a perfectly manageable case of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea are far from the only things I took away from my time in that rented Los Angeles mansion, but I’ll let you be the ultimate decision-maker there. OK, I’m done, and again, I’m perfectly capable of finding the exit unescorted. Thanks again for taking the time to discuss the position with me, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you about a second interview! How does this work, do I get a rose or something?

Kim Deal Learns She’s Been Kicked Out of the Pixies after Plugging in Old Fax Machine

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

DAYTON, Ohio — Breeders frontwoman Kim Deal reportedly discovered today that she’d been fired from the Pixies after plugging in an old fax machine in her attic to see if it still worked, confirmed sources.

“I was shocked when the first thing that printed out of my IntelliFax 600 from Brother Electronics was a note from Black Francis stating that the band was broken up. I probably should have expected this, I never used fax machines but Francis loved them and used them frequently,” said Deal. “He would often fax the studio his lyrics instead of singing them. The rhythm guitar on ‘Is She Weird’ was actually just a series of well-timed faxes. I’m more impressed than anything. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve actually met him in person. He spoke to the entire band exclusively through fax. It probably explains why I stopped hearing from him after I unplugged my fax machine to move to my new apartment.”

Francis thought for sure Deal had received the message long ago.

“I’m really shocked she had no idea, I’ve been reaching out to her for years to make sure she knew she was fired. I sent faxes, telegrams, carrier pigeons, you name it. There’s no way she didn’t get any of my communiqués,” claimed the Pixies frontman. “I guess she didn’t even receive the barbershop quartet and accompanying dancers I hired to confirm the message either. We choreographed a whole routine about me firing her. It’d be such a shame if she didn’t see it, we worked hard for months on that.”

Experts were well aware of the importance of fax machines in interpersonal band communication.

“This is not completely unprecedented; Ringo Starr still believes he is in the Beatles due to fax machines not having been invented yet 1969,” said music historian Tom Noble. “Back then, there really was no way to kick someone out of a band. Even today, the lack of fax machines makes this simple task a real hurdle for many. Matt Skiba even still thinks he’s in Blink-182 and is just waiting for the text from Mark to get the band going again. Poor sap.”

At press time, Francis was forced to evacuate his apartment complex after his series of smoke signals to order DoorDash set off the carbon monoxide detectors.