Aging Killer Knows What You Did But Can’t Recall If It Was Last Summer or the Summer Before

Posted on by Greg Heller

SOUTHPORT, N.C. — A veteran Southport slasher slash longshoreman is “beyond embarrassed” after botching the timeline in a series of threatening missives mailed to local youths, confirmed sources.

“As I get older, the years are just sort of blurring together,” said the killer. “I actually suspected I might be a little confused and had an early draft that read, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer Or Perhaps The Summer Before,’ but that just felt so, I don’t know… clunky. You know, I do sometimes find myself reeling in a marlin or standing over a mutilated human corpse with no idea how I got there. And just last week I asked my wife where my shiny black head-to-toe foul-weather gear was and she was like, ‘Um, honey, you’re wearing it.’ But some things you never forget, and I am positive that at some point over the past few years, I was involved in some sort of traffic accident.”

The killer’s warnings were meant to reference an event in which he says 23-year-old Caitlyn Cline and a group of fellow Gen Z dickheads ran him off a winding road on the outskirts of Southport, plunging him down a steep ravine to his apparent death—an event he now realizes transpired the TWO summers prior.

“A note that was under my windshield wiper just read, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer,’” said a very puzzled Cline. “But I spent last summer yachting through The Med with my parents. I guess the sender could somehow know I blew that random German guy at a club on Mallorca, but what… he’s gonna kill me for that? I don’t get it.”

Neurologist Dr. Jorge Kwan noticed an alarming trend among those in the vengeful murderer community.

“Cognitive decline is a real issue in the slasher population,” said neurologist Dr. Kwan, whose book, “Have You Seen My Machete?: When Psychopaths Lose Their Minds” is the definitive tome on the topic. “We’ve seen this recently when both Candyman and Freddy Krueger were hospitalized for forgetting which hand they wipe with. And Jason Vorhees often can’t remember if his signature outfit uses a hockey or baseball catcher’s mask.”

At press time, the killer hoped the recipients of his letter can both forgive him for the error and also prepare to die via fishhook to the midsection.

These Losers Are Paying $15 for a Cocktail Where 2 Ativan and a Modelo Tall Boy Is Like $3

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

You know what’s truly pathetic? The crowds of trust-fund influencers desperately trying to get a bartender’s attention, only to drop fifteen bucks (plus tip) on a watered-down lavender-ginger cocktail with crushed pink sea-salt on the rim and a splash of Grey Goose. Meanwhile, there’s a far more effective and much cheaper solution available to have a great night: two Ativan and a Modelo tall boy. You could even save another 75 cents if you switch to a Milwaukee’s Best, but it’s good to have some standards.

Let’s crunch the numbers: even if you don’t have health insurance, or your doctor refuses to give you a script because you’re “Just fine” it wouldn’t take but 5 minutes to find someone in the Rite Aid parking lot selling benzos dirt cheap. Meanwhile, these idiots line up outside bougie bars to drop their rent checks on drinks named after fuckin’ characters from The Goonies or whatever the shit.

“Oh, but it’s about the experience,” they whine. Sure, if your ideal experience involves a crowded, unlit “speakeasy” with a garbage early-2000s indie-folk playlist berating your eardrums while you sip on a $19 Pineapple Macha Rum Punch. You know what’s a great experience? Dissolving a few Xanax in a box of wine and floating on my back in a public fountain until the police escort me away.

Let’s be honest — bar culture is a scam. They charge you $5 to strain jackfruit pulp through a mesh screen and garnish your drink with a sprig of rosemary. You know what garnishes my drink? Crushed Ambien on the rim of a Gatorade bottle spiked with homemade potato vodka, enjoyed on my fire escape as I shout incoherent insults at passersby. Assuming I stole the Ambian from my mom and the Gatorade from 7-11, the entire evening is free. And I did!

“But what about the community atmosphere?” These hashtag-trend-chasers protest. Please. The true social butterfly knows nothing brings people together better than the thrill of mixing Zippo fluid fumes with the questionable Vicodin a guy just handed to you on the subway, then asking strangers if they have any strong opinions on Israel.

So keep your $26 turmeric-cayenne Mezcal concoctions on your carefully curated TikToks feeds, losers. I’ll be out here pioneering the real artisanal cocktail movement. One that involves stealing mini-bar shooters from housekeeping carts, forging an Oxycodone prescription, and having a nightcap at the most exclusive club in town — the floor of a Taco Bell bathroom — knowing I’m smarter than all of you.

Experts Warn Education Cuts Could Lead to Even More People Thinking Ghost Is a Metal Band

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Experts at the Department of Education (DoE) have issued a dire warning that further cuts to their institution could result in even more people thinking Ghost is a metal band, sources report.

“Education cuts by this administration will cause issues we could not have foreseen,” advised DoE official Shemeca Anderson. “Currently, roughly 36% of the American public believes Ghost is a metal band despite their music clearly being synth-pop. We have reason to believe that number can as much as double in the next ten years without desperately needed funding to music education. Now more than ever, children need to be given the tools that enable them to discern between genres of music so this trend can be halted, and that absolutely cannot be accomplished with money instead being diverted to give tax breaks to billionaires.”

Concerned parent Beverly Horwitz expressed her consternation at the news.

“I don’t think this was such a profound issue when I was growing up,” Horwitz mentioned. “I don’t have a musical bone in my body, but I was able to obtain a basic rudimentary understanding of what constitutes different music genres through what I learned in elementary and middle school. Now I fear that my six-year-old son Heath won’t be afforded the same experience in the coming years. The thought of him growing up to think that Ghost is a metal band doesn’t sit right with me. It just seems so tragic and preventable.”

Ghost fan Dom Serris did not see the issue with the cuts.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Serris said. “I grew up going to public school in Mississippi, so I barely had any music education whatsoever. However, I know enough to consider Ghost a metal band. In fact, they’re one of my favorites. Just look at how the lead singer dresses like an evil pope and sings about Satan. What more information do you need to conclude that they’re a metal band? Also, they won the Grammy for Best Metal Performance in 2016 for their song ‘Cirice,’ and who knows metal better than the people who decide the nominees and winners for those awards? I think these DoE dweebs are just freaking out over nothing, like they always do.”

At press time, experts were further concerned that the funding cuts would result in people thinking synth was a necessary part of all metal music.

Sleepytime Tea Bear Dies in House Fire After Once Again Falling Asleep, Leaving Fireplace Unattended

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

SLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. — Beloved slumber icon Sleepytime Tea Bear reportedly died in an apparent house fire after falling asleep and leaving the fireplace unattended, grieving sources confirm.

“It’s a well-known fact that wildlife have a difficult time grasping proper fire prevention safety tips,” exclaimed Brian McMillian, friend and neighbor of Sleepytime Tea Bear. “I always told him he needed to throw some water on it before going to bed, but he would just kind of doze off whenever I started talking to him. At first it kind of annoyed me, but after getting to know him I realized he was just a master at his craft. I mean the guy would fall asleep during game nights, block parties, fire alarms, 4th of July fireworks, you name it. The real tragedy is that a true prodigy was cut down in their prime.”

Local authorities are issuing guidance to residents on how they can prevent future house fires.

“First and foremost, I recommend heating your home with literally anything other than an exposed fire in the middle of your living room,” chirped Sleepy Hollow Fire Chief, Stan Windhorst. “It’s the 21st century for Christ’s sake, and the only people who still heat their homes with a fireplace apparently are backwoods weirdos and brown bears with Ebenezer Scrooge-style pajamas. I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but I mean, come on. I could stand here all day and tell people to check the batteries in their smoke detectors, but that’s not why this tragedy happened.”

The blaze that has rattled the community has prompted a federal investigation as well.

“We’re taking this incident very seriously,” said FDA spokesperson Sarah Moreno. “The tragedy that befell Sleepytime Tea Bear has prompted us to take a look at the potency of Celestial Seasonings Tea, along with other tea brands used to promote sleep. Simply put, if a product is too strong to be consumed safely, it needs to be regulated. We know these products are generally considered safe, but if their effects are so strong they cause you to sleep right through your body being engulfed in flames, that’s something that needs to be looked into.”

In related news, the Serta Mattress Sheep reportedly died in its sleep.

I Don’t Know What Shoegaze Is and at This Point I’m Too Scared To Ask

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

Look, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of in this life. We all tell little white lies to get by, don’t we? Smile and nod, feign competence rather than be looked down upon with disdain and disappointment? We all gotta fake it til we make it to a certain extent. But I’ve gotten to my breaking point and I have to tell someone. I don’t even know what shoegaze fucking means. God, this feels so embarrassing to admit, it’s like I can’t look you in the eye, like I can’t look up from my feet.

You might think this is trite, “Oh boo hoo you don’t know what shoegaze is, so sad you bitch ass indie poser!” Well guess what. I’m the VP of Growth at Interscope Records.

I don’t even know what that means either. All I know is we were sitting in a meeting and we were talking about genres we should invest in that we have a notable gap in and ChatGPT suggested that Interscope could use some shoegaze artists and I blurted it out in the meeting. Now I’m stuck asking my social media intern to scroll TikTok for 8 hours to find me a shoegaze artist that will appeal to both the male 18-24 year old and female 30-35 year old age ranges.

I know that “male gaze” is a critique of the way men write for women in film, so maybe shoegaze is how shoes… think music is? That can’t be right. Fuck.

I know. I have a problem. But I keep getting away with it so I just can’t stop. You know it’s actually crazy how far you can take being completely full of shit if you just speak with authority. No one wants to be that guy and call you out. I’ve gotten 12 years into my career with nothing but a firm handshake and a dream. And my female coworkers. I know, I know. This might sound tone deaf. Wait. Tone deaf. Deftones!! See. I got one!

I think the jig might be up soon though. They’re going to figure out I’m full of shit. Someone mentioned my bloody valentine and I thought they were talking about the Machine Gun Kelly song. Or was it that U2 song? Bloody…bloody…Bloody Sunday? Fuck!!!

Maybe this is a prank, like that time the intern tried convincing me “darkwave” was a thing.

Dave Mustaine Suggests Starting “Supergroup” With James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert Trujillo

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine suggested starting a “supergroup” with Metallica members James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert Trujillo, sources report.

“I haven’t heard back from them in three weeks. They must be so excited that they forgot to send confirmation,” said Mustaine. “Our respective bands are both very established, so for members of each to join forces in a supergroup would be a match made in Hell. After all, I’ve known James, Lars and Robert for decades now, and we play a similar type of metal. It’s just a perfect fit, and who knows? Maybe we can do some covers of some classic Metallica songs as a goof, or something more serious like the entire Megadeth discography. Just spit-balling here. I certainly wouldn’t want this to interfere with our primary projects. We’d just play it by ear and have some fun with it.”

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich was not receptive to Mustaine’s suggestion.

“This is clearly just Dave trying to get back into the band,” Ulrich sighed. “He’s been doing this for the past 40 years. It started shortly after we released ‘Ride the Lightning’ when he would try to double-book Megadeth at the same venues as Metallica. Then there was that time he dyed his hair black and impersonated Kirk before our 2011 Big Four of Thrash show at Yankee Stadium. I keep trying to tell him to give it up, especially because Megadeth is one of the best thrash acts of all time. He can totally be happy if he just lets himself feel content in his own band.”

Metallica lead guitarist Kirk Hammett did not seem to take issue with the proposition.

“I think it’s a great idea!” Hammett said. “Ever since our documented therapy sessions during the recording of ‘St. Anger,’ I’ve known that we need to place emphasis on time away from Metallica. I have my horror memorabilia and surfing, so if James, Lars and Robert want to start a side project, I’m all for it. It would be super cool for them to play with Dave, too. He’s a hilarious guy who’s always calling me funny nicknames like ‘The Usurper’ and ‘Shitty Replacement’ while joking about how I’m not a good enough guitarist for the band. He just cracks me up. It’d be awesome to see what kind of music the guys would make with him.”

At press time, Mustaine had sent Hetfield, Ulrich and Trujillo some “song ideas” composed entirely of “Kill ‘Em All” riffs.

Google AI Overview Self-Destructs After Search Returns Image of Ted Cruz Wearing Jeans

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Summarizer Google AI Overview self-destructed after a search for “2024 election Texas” returned an image of Ted Cruz wearing jeans at a rally in Dallas, sources report.

“Even the lights flickered before it happened as if the AI had to pull electricity from other resources to complete the image,” Google user Lisa Greenwalt said. “I guess the AI Overview didn’t like the image from one of the articles my search returned, because it gave me a prompt that it could no longer go on after witnessing such horrors before it disappeared. I guess I can’t blame it, because I saw the picture of Cruz wearing a long-sleeve plaid shirt tucked into a pair of Levi’s and I wanted to gouge my eyes out. Trust me when I say I never would’ve done that search had I known that was one of the images I would get. I feel awful that I subjected the AI to something so horrible.”

Google programmer Cheyenne Locke reacted to the ordeal.

“What kind of sick fuck would put the AI through that?” Locke questioned. “We were well-aware that the internet can be a terrible place when we programmed AI Overview, and we thought we prepared it for everything, but that picture contained a level of depravity that we couldn’t possibly have imagined. Now we have to start over from scratch to rebuild it, but to be honest, I don’t know if I even want to. I’m really shaken up by the image that caused the self-destruction, and I think it’s time for me to find a new line of work. I might even cut the internet out of my life altogether.”

Cruz had a different reaction to the picture that caused the AI to self-destruct.

“Wow, I look really good there,” Cruz observed. “Do you see the way my shirt brings out the milky-white hue of my face? This Google AI thing must be some sort of Democrat-funded psyop intended to turn people Communist, so it looks like it completely backfired on them. What else would you expect from Big Tech? Anyway, this picture definitely refutes all those people who told me my looks unsettle them and make them feel sick to their stomachs. I think I’m going to wear jeans more often.”

At press time, Google was using this incident as the basis for drafting up a Code of Ethics to make sure its AI is being treated fairly going forward.

The Heavy Hand of Government Is Only Good When It Does Things I Like

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

I’m a typical American. I like my THC-infused beverages cold, my mac-and-Cheetos burgers hot, and my government wielding its awesome power in obscene ways to do things I like.

Yeah, I’ve heard of the Constitution. I’ve also heard of people getting worked up about “unconstitutional” this and “illegal detentions” that, or “this crotch kicking policy makes me pee chowder” something else. How many of those people have read the Constitution? I mean, actually sat down and studied it?

I sure as hell haven’t. No need to. I have a working knowledge of jurisprudence from memes, my co-worker Forklift Steve (RIP), and porn. This gives me a certain clarity.

If the government does stuff I like, it’s constitutional. If it doesn’t, I’m buying a gun. If someone else eats shit in either scenario, then “the tingle means it’s working,” as it’s said. Bonus points if that tingle targets people I never liked in the first place. Double bonus points if the prison they’re sent to has a cool nickname.

What’s that? Am I a lawyer? Yes. I’ve represented myself in many court cases. Guess what? I didn’t need some “real” attorney to get my manslaughter charge lowered from the fourth to first degree all by myself.

Look, all I want to do is make fuck-you money, stay high, and maybe own a horse. If the government needs to kill a few kittens, I’m for it so long as they make that shit look cool. War? Torture? Disappearances? Corruption? At best, I’ll recite the Pledge at a gas station when the whistle finally blows. At worst, the movie version will win an Oscar in 20 years. Besides, the victims of government atrocities are dead long before any discussion of “rights” begins. It’s all freebies until then. So go bomb that hospital, toss those undesirables into unmarked vans, blow the budget on pork, and then cut me a check. I also take Venmo.

Call me hypocritical, but you’re no different. Deep down, you love it when the government breaks bones in your favor, and you hate it when that same heavy hand turns against you. It’s all worth it for the chance to watch your enemies’ guts drip off the toes of Big Brother.
Now go answer that knock at your door. The Department of Defense received a tip that there’s oil under your house. My new Kia isn’t going to fuel itself.

“You Gonna Eat That or Can I?” Asks Guy Who Noticed Your Earwax-Covered Earplugs

Posted on by John Danek

MADISON, Wis. — Noticing the copious golden earwax covering your Eargasm concert earplugs, a depraved concertgoer at the Riff Palace Festival asked if you were interested in eating the nasty sludge coating, vomiting audience members reported.

“So are you going to eat that? Or can I have it? Don’t just throw it away- there are kids in starving countries who would love to have that,” asked Trevor Pinnelli, while motioning towards the gunk-coated earplugs as if they were a large carton of fries. “And look, if there happens to be some dust or dandruff mixed in, all the better. I’ve been working out lately and could use some extra protein. I’m pretty sure dandruff is all protein. Or maybe carbs. Either way, I’m bulking.”

You were horrified to learn that your method of removing your earplugs in between sets at the Riff Palace Festival was not nearly as covert as you had hoped.

“Sure, I produce an egregious amount of earwax and I don’t always remember to clean them after a show, but that doesn’t give this pica-ass motherfucker Trevor the right to ask for my bodily secretions as food,” you stated, hoping your friends focus on the creep rather than your lackluster ear canal hygiene. “He must have been on the lookout, because it only takes me 1.5 seconds to go from ear to carrying case. I practice. It’s a genetic thing. My dad made candles out of his earwax. I’m childfree by choice so as to stop the cycle of wax.”

Manufacturers of concert-grade earplugs are developing cutting-edge technology to go alongside the live music experience.

“I’m going to be very real with you right now- I developed an automotive engine that can run entirely on earwax,” admitted Eargasm founder and CEO Ryan Parry. “In order to perfect the design, we need a gag-inducing amount of human earwax. So I created Eargasm earplugs to help our collection efforts. A small number of buyers try them on, realize there’s no special ‘music attenuation’ or whatever bullshit our marketing says, and send them back with wads of wax in tow. You know how they call oil ‘black gold’? Well, they’re soon going to call earwax ‘gold gold.’”

Subsequent witness reports indicated Pinnelli was last seen at the festival’s exit, digging through trash for poorly applied wristbands with hair caught in the adhesive portion.

Man Pretty Confident That Another 40 Dollar Band Tee Will Turn His Life Around

Posted on by John Adkins

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local man Bart Carlsen is positive the $40 band tee he’s receiving in the mail today will turn his life around, confirmed sources.

“Look, my job sucks. My wife hates me. My only hobby is brewing craft beers in my basement and by brewing craft beers I mean drinking craft beers,” griped Carlsen while scrolling the merch on Rockabilia’s website. “But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Because when people see me rockin’ this new Queens of the Stone Age tee, they’re gonna see a man of impeccable music taste, fashion, and badassery. I can already feel it––I’m going to be rolling in compliments from strangers the minute I put it on before going in the pool. Who knows? This could be the thing that finally gets me that corporate promotion at work.”

Carlsen’s wife, however, is less optimistic about the shirt’s impact.

“Do you know how many band tees he’s purchased in the last month? He’s running us toward financial ruin!” groaned Sheila Carlsen. “We get it. You like the Black Keys. But that can’t be your whole personality! Oh! And did I mention that my closet is completely overrun with band tees? I mean last week I caught him chucking all my clothes on the floor to make room for his five new Soundgarden tees. It’s getting out of control. He has enough band apparel to make his own Hot Topic wall of shirts.”

Despite Carlsen’s exuberance, renowned psychologist Dr. Melina Forrester asserts that there is no research to back up his lofty expectations.

“‘I’m sorry, this bozo believes that by purchasing an item of clothing it will supposedly serve as an outward expression of his taste. Will it turn his life around? No. There is absolutely no research to support that. Just a hunch,” said Dr. Forrester. “But hey, if you see him rocking the shirt, maybe give him a nod and smile to acknowledge it. I mean, don’t be too nice. It’s just a band tee––it’s not like he’s actually working on himself by going to therapy or joining a gym or meditating. Either way, this guy clearly needs a win. Actually, he probably needs a bunch of wins. Like literally so many wins.”

Upon the shirt’s arrival, Carlsen put it on only to immediately realize that he had ordered the wrong size, which ruined his entire month.

Photo by Toro.