Violent Femmes Finally Spring for Bass Drum

Posted on by Jeff Bender

MILWAUKEE — Legendary folk-punk group Violent Femmes announced Thursday that the band has finally bought a bass drum after 44 years of using just a snare and, occasionally, a 22” Weber Kettle Grill, excited sources reported.

“I want to be clear that this is just a trial period. We found a used bass drum at Rick’s Music and Christmas Shoppe on Brady Street and got a really good deal on it. But it’s fully refundable after 30 days,” said Gordan Gano, the Femmes’ guitarist and lead songwriter. “So we figured, eh, we’re going on tour, we have tons of expensive violins and acoustic basses, John [Sparrow, the Violent Femmes’ current drummer] has been a good boy. We’ll see how it goes. But if he gets at all uppity and starts thumping that thing more than once every four beats, we’re taking it away and sending it—and maybe him—back to Rick’s.”

Sparrow, the band’s intermittent drummer since 2005, reported nothing but excitement for his new piece.

“Wow, this really opens up a lot of avenues for me as a drummer,” Sparrow said. “I mean, the Femmes might have a completely different sound from now on. Instead of just brushing the snare with one hand and striking it on the two and four with the other, I can now go brush-dum-BAP, brush-dum-BAP—the ‘dum’ being the bass drum. Think how I could drive the beat in something like ‘Add It Up’ or go ‘bum-bum, bum-bum’ on ‘Blister in the Sun.’ I really think this could be my defining era as a drummer.”

Danielle Haim, songwriter and lead singer of the sister-group HAIM, advised Gano to tread lightly in terms of “feeding” a drummer.

“I’d be really careful with what you let him get away with,” said Haim, who’s been known to replace her drummer willy-nilly with a machine. “Make sure he knows this is a one-time thing and not by any means a ‘promotion’ or an invitation to play louder or—dear God—a fill. Otherwise, they can start building expectations for outrageous things like a tom-tom, a seat on the bus, or even a hotel bed. Whenever my drummer gets a little too ask-y, I just dub in a drum machine and have him sit in the corner and think about his choices.”

At press time, Gano was overheard denying Sparrow’s request for a cymbal.

Liberal Now Boycotting Google, Meta, Apple, Amazon, and X Spends Free Time Staring Blankly at Wall

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BOSTON — Local liberal Brian Mullins, who is boycotting any company that he sees as supporting a fascist regime, spends all of his free time staring at a wall with no idea what else he could be doing, sources who just created a Bluesky account confirmed.

“Seems like voting doesn’t do much good anymore, but I can still make my voice be heard with what companies I support. And now that I’ve stopped using all these tech products, I have time to just sit here and admire the Sherwin-Williams paint on the wall,” said Mullins. “Sitting here completely still and in total silence, since I’ve also boycotted Spotify, really seems like the best way to protest. I’m sure the complete inaction of me sitting in my apartment will get my message across to those who support fascism, if only there was some way I could get the message out. Besides, I can’t think of anything else to do anyway.”

Some of those close to Mullins understand his reasoning but wish they were included in the silent protest.

“I mean, I get it. He doesn’t want to support these dipshit oligarchs anymore but what he doesn’t realize is if you boycott anything run by a rich piece of shit you end up staring at your living room wall all day,” said Mullins’ friend Jeff Costa. “I’ve suggested to him that we go do an actual protest outside or help volunteer at a non-profit but he said he can’t drive anyway because he got rid of his Tesla and he is also boycotting Uber. When I told him he could just ride a bike he said that it sounded like ‘a lot of effort’ and that was the end of that.”

Stock market analyst Percy Conroy says these types of boycotts may not be having the effect that one would hope to achieve.

“We see this a lot on Wall Street where people boycotting this company or that company think they are making a difference on the market but honestly at best they’re causing a minor blip for a day or two and that’s only if they can somehow organize and boycott in sizeable numbers,” said Conroy. “And if causing the market to crash and companies to lose billions in value is their goal then they should’ve just voted for Trump in the first place.”

At press time, Mullins reported that he is now essentially on day 3 of a hunger strike since boycotting DoorDash for screwing their drivers out of their tips.

Here’s Why My Experience on “Rock of Love” Makes Me the Perfect Fit for This Hedge Fund

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Listen, it seems like you’re a little upset now that you know I embellished certain aspects of my resume to land this interview, but I think that’s a pretty standard phenomenon among job applicants. As far as I’m concerned, a counterfeit MBA from NYU Stern School of Business and a false claim of 8 years at Citadel is no different from misleading bullet points about supposed Spanish-speaking or C++ skills. With all that being said, let me tell you about a surprisingly applicable work experience that I actually have: a 2007 appearance on the popular VH1 dating show “Rock of Love.”

You may be asking yourself how that could possibly translate to success at one of the country’s biggest hedge funds. Well, let me ask you this: what’s of utmost importance in working here? No, well, yes, I would presume a thorough understanding of market dynamics is indeed invaluable, but I was talking about networking. I know that what I’m lacking in professional experience can more than be made up for in what I honed through the various alliances I forged in ensuring I was the 7th runner-up in winning all the affection Brett Michaels was able to muster while the cameras were on.

Also, one cannot excel in a hedge fund without attention to detail, and what did I do after noticing Brett graphically describe his arousal to the camera after seeing my left breast come out of my top while pole dancing in the first episode? That’s right. I made sure it happened two more times throughout the remainder of the series’ duration, which was pivotal seeing how far I made it, especially after I learned that he had referred to me as “dumb as shit” on more than one occasion.

I would also imagine that telephone negotiation skills are needed in this industry, and I proved my prowess during the phone sex competition in which my performance increased the measured blood flow to Brett’s penis more than that of 80% of the other contestants. I assure you, he didn’t think my presence was an “unforgivable HR fuck-up” as you’ve outspokenly noted several times since this interview started.

It seems like you’re really determined to bring our discussion to a premature close, which I don’t really understand, but I’ll respect your time and work with you in that so we can each be on our way. As such, I’ll forgo going into detail regarding the pertinent demonstrations of teamwork and collaboration inherent in the amazing chop block I executed during our mud football game that resulted in Lexi making it into the endzone, but to say it was instrumental in me getting some alone time with the bandana-clad heartthrob in the Affliction shirt would be a huge understatement.

No, there’s no need to call security. I’ll show myself out, but I’ll close by telling you that, while my skills may be unconventional, I have no doubt that they make me the most qualified candidate for this position. I’ve made it exceedingly clear that a broken heart and a perfectly manageable case of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea are far from the only things I took away from my time in that rented Los Angeles mansion, but I’ll let you be the ultimate decision-maker there. OK, I’m done, and again, I’m perfectly capable of finding the exit unescorted. Thanks again for taking the time to discuss the position with me, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you about a second interview! How does this work, do I get a rose or something?

Kim Deal Learns She’s Been Kicked Out of the Pixies after Plugging in Old Fax Machine

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

DAYTON, Ohio — Breeders frontwoman Kim Deal reportedly discovered today that she’d been fired from the Pixies after plugging in an old fax machine in her attic to see if it still worked, confirmed sources.

“I was shocked when the first thing that printed out of my IntelliFax 600 from Brother Electronics was a note from Black Francis stating that the band was broken up. I probably should have expected this, I never used fax machines but Francis loved them and used them frequently,” said Deal. “He would often fax the studio his lyrics instead of singing them. The rhythm guitar on ‘Is She Weird’ was actually just a series of well-timed faxes. I’m more impressed than anything. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve actually met him in person. He spoke to the entire band exclusively through fax. It probably explains why I stopped hearing from him after I unplugged my fax machine to move to my new apartment.”

Francis thought for sure Deal had received the message long ago.

“I’m really shocked she had no idea, I’ve been reaching out to her for years to make sure she knew she was fired. I sent faxes, telegrams, carrier pigeons, you name it. There’s no way she didn’t get any of my communiqués,” claimed the Pixies frontman. “I guess she didn’t even receive the barbershop quartet and accompanying dancers I hired to confirm the message either. We choreographed a whole routine about me firing her. It’d be such a shame if she didn’t see it, we worked hard for months on that.”

Experts were well aware of the importance of fax machines in interpersonal band communication.

“This is not completely unprecedented; Ringo Starr still believes he is in the Beatles due to fax machines not having been invented yet 1969,” said music historian Tom Noble. “Back then, there really was no way to kick someone out of a band. Even today, the lack of fax machines makes this simple task a real hurdle for many. Matt Skiba even still thinks he’s in Blink-182 and is just waiting for the text from Mark to get the band going again. Poor sap.”

At press time, Francis was forced to evacuate his apartment complex after his series of smoke signals to order DoorDash set off the carbon monoxide detectors.

Dad Calls Penis Something Weird Again

Posted on by Peter Woods

LAFAYETTE, Ind. — Local dad Sean Nolan is once again using a weird, unexpected, and previously nonexistent slang term for his penis in casual conversation, confirmed unsettled sources.

“He does this all the time so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal,” said Zack Nolan, the eldest son. “He’s always talking about ‘draining the snake’ or ‘punching someone’s twig and berries’ or whatever. If he says something like ‘pecker’ I don’t even blink. But none of that prepared me to hear the words ‘skin pole’ leave his mouth. I can’t even figure out if he made that up or heard it from someone else. And I don’t actually know which would be worse.”

Following the incident, the father of three was quick to defend himself.

“There’s nothing wrong with calling your Johnson something else,” said the 62-year-old Car and Driver subscriber. “You just have to do it appropriately. Like, if I’m with the misses I’m calling it my ‘wild hog,’ but I would never do that with the boys. That’s when I’m talking about my hanger. The doctor hears about my ‘groin pointer,’ my priest listens to me discuss my ‘sin sliver’ during confession, and Target employees help me find clothes to cover my ‘adult outie.’ It’s just more civil that way.”

Experts warned that excessive penis slang use can be a sign of other issues.

“A mention of a pud here or a tallywacker there is nothing to worry about,” said cognitive psychologist Tegan Sparks. “But too much can be a sign of dementia. You want to look out for signs of older adults forgetting what to call their penis altogether. For instance, have you noticed your father or grandfather struggling to remember the word for ‘schlong’ and instead using the name of the city he grew up in or a childhood friend instead? If so, seek help immediately.”

As of press time, the Nolan father developed seven new terms for his penis following the initial incident, but still refuses to look his wife in the eyes when he needs to use the word “vagina.”

Here’s What Being a Dumbass Who Failed Upwards at His Father’s Company Taught Me About B2B Sales

Posted on by Ben Friedman

When you’re struggling to succeed in today’s fast-paced B2B sales landscape, it’s easy to second-guess whether you’re cut out for this line of work or not. But sometimes you need to look at lessons from your personal life to forge your own path to the top. I’ve been called a “dumbass” and a “screw up” on a few dozen occasions, but that never stopped me from achieving Senior VP status at my father’s company.

What is B2B? I’m 70% sure the “B” stands for “business”, and the number 2 in there is to make it look fun. It’s really fun to say in random conversations, like when I overheard two of my coworkers complaining about how I ruined a pitch to a potential client after remarking I finger banged his daughter at my old fraternity. If this has happened to you, just burst through the door, gripping your balls yelling “I’m the B2B king motherfuckers!” and then threaten to have them fired before lunch.

This mindset will work for most B2B products, because I’ve been promoted every six months despite having no idea what the hell we do here. I do know we send out a whole lot of marketing emails, though, at least that’s what I caught during orientation a few years back. I was still coming down from a weekend cocaine binge.

The key to growth is to have open and collaborative relationships with other entities, and the best way to do that is to max out your dad’s company credit card to take clients out to earn their trust. I’ve found getting blackout drunk at the country club and then hitting three consecutive strip clubs to be the most effective. And if the accounting department follows up, slap the receipts out of their hands and call them a nerd.

My econ professor once told me that I was “the poster child of willful ignorance and galling nepotism”, and due to my complete lack of understanding of how successful businesses operate, that I would easily bankrupt anything I touched. But last I checked, it was my dad’s name on the school gym, so I’ll probably be OK. I know from first-hand experience that it’s definitely not what you know, but who you know, if that person is immediate family, and if they pay you six figures a year to sit in an office and not talk to anyone or make any decisions.

Warmer Weather Briefly Turns Punk Into Sublime Guy

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Steve “Vomit” Parker reportedly began his annual metamorphosis into a Sublime guy after temperatures cracked the upper 50s this week, sources confirmed.

“I don’t practice Santeria, but I do have a crystal ball I bought at Spencer’s Gifts,” said Parker, rolling a joint with one hand and a half-finished Modelo at his feet. “It’s called Weather Underground, and the forecast says it’s gonna be 57 degrees today. Bup-bup! It’s boardshort time, baby! This winter’s been tough, brah. But there’s just something about this time of year where the sun starts setting later and ‘What I Got’ gets stuck in my head for an entire month straight. Plus, the weed just hits better with ’40oz. to Freedom’ cranking in May.”

Milo Martinez, Parker’s roommate, describes the impact of his yearly transformation on their friends in the punk community.

“Oh, we fucking hate it! I try to book out-of-town shows for my band around this time every year,” said Martinez. “It’s impossible to be around him when he’s like this. He completely changes! He grows this little soul patch, trades in his combat boots for those Reef flip flops with the bottle opener in the sole, rocks Oakley Topcoats, and wears nothing but Quiksilver for a month. And he won’t shut the fuck up. Dude, I don’t care who the Long Beach Dub Allstars are!”

Lisa Dempsey, host of the Sublime podcast Casting for Badfish, says she regularly receives emails from listeners asking for advice on how to deal with their Sublime guy.

“My subscribers listen to Sublime year-round, but there’s a unique type of seasonal fan who only comes out once a year. And, frankly, they’re a lot to deal with,” said Dempsey. “As spring rolls around, the emails start pouring in. The questions are usually things like, ‘How do I get my Sublime guy to put on a shirt?’ or ‘My daughter’s getting married in a week. How do I get my dumbass husband to take off his stupid fucking puka shell necklace?’ Her words, not mine. My advice is usually to ride it out until the fall when they become seasonal AFI fans.”

At press time, Parker was at Minneapolis Animal Care and Control asking if they had any Dalmatians for adoption.

Trump Debuts Previously Undiscovered Way to Pronounce “Cinco De Mayo”

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump debuted a completely new pronunciation of the holiday “Cinco De Mayo” while addressing local reporters at the White House today, confirmed several journalists struggling to spell it out phonetically for their news outlets.

“It started out like most other comments from the president, going over what internet celebrity he’s beefing with and expressing interest in hearing from people who died decades ago. And then it happened,” said reporter Noelle Dean. “Usually the room is buzzing with reporters shouting questions. But everything stopped. There was an uncharacteristic silence in the room. Not because we were shocked, we just weren’t sure what he was talking about. Also because he said it in a way that sounded like he was soft launching a new racial slur to his base.”

President Trump didn’t even seem to notice that he mispronounced the name of the annual celebration.

“You know, Mexicans, they’re great people. Well, some of them are not so great,” said President Trump. “That’s why the wall is so important. And China, they know about walls. Trust me, you do not want to be in China, people. They will lock you in a room for eating pizza, it’s true. Nasty place. Except that Wang Chung. Incredible singer, huge talent. But the food. That’s why I trust Taco Bell. You never go wrong with a Chalupa on May 5th, or as I like to call it, Shinko del Maiypo [sic].”

Marian Di Stefano, a linguistics expert specializing in presidential vernacular, offered her insights.

“This is a pretty typical Trumpism. Instinct would lead you to believe he would pronounce it as whitely as humanly possible, but people underestimate how much this man loves attempting to sound ethnic,” said Di Stefano. “Of course he gets it completely wrong and that is why we end up with such novel pronunciations. That’s how we got him saying Puerto Rico with like five h’s. It’s not that he can’t hear the way things come out, which is an issue for many people who mispronounce things. It’s more a complete lack of awareness of reality.”

At press time, there were whispers that President Trump will soon release a new pronunciation of Flag Day.

Masculinity Win! An Influencer Said I Wasn’t a Real Man, so I Started Doing Everything He Said

Posted on by Dan Rice

Throughout my life, I had always felt completely secure in my masculinity. Then, the unthinkable happened — an alpha male lifestyle influencer on TikTok challenged it by implying people like me weren’t man-ing hard enough. I was devastated.

A deeper dive into @ArtOfTheAlpha’s socials revealed further blows to my ego. I didn’t have any children at 30. I had a cortisol belly. I didn’t even smoke cigars, bro. It seemed the state of my man-card was in jeopardy. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

A weaker man would have admitted defeat, but not me. I was going to prove this stranger on the internet wrong by doing everything he said to do for the rest of my life.

By making him my daddy and doing everything he tells me to do, I’ve beaten @ArtOfTheAlpha at his own game. Now I’m a man’s-man who changes his entire lifestyle the second an ill-informed gym rat gives him unsolicited advice on the internet instead of going to therapy. By following the code of someone I’ve never met who seems kind of buff and mean, I’ve become my own man:

ALL MEAT DIET: Fruits and vegetables are a slippery slope that lead to sissification and cuckholding. By the fourth week, I didn’t even miss shitting and the diverticulitis makes me feel like more of a man.

NEUTROPICS: It used to take me hours to finish the NYT crossword puzzle. Now, I don’t do the NYT crossword puzzle because I know it’s full of liberal Satanist propaganda.

PROCREATE: According to the Bible, it’s the only reason to have sex in the first place. Oh, the bible is super important by the way, but don’t read it, reading is feminine.

HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN OUTSIDE OF PROCREATION: Are you a heterosexual man in a relationship with a woman who loves and supports you? Have fun with that BETA! Associating with women can infect a male with feminine energy. I only associate with other alphas now because iron sharpens iron. Cuddling, going on dates, and paying child support are all traps to turn you gay.

EMPATHY = DISEASE: Have you ever wronged someone and felt bad about it? Congratulations, you’re host to the woke mind virus! Every parent, teacher and mentor who ever told you to be a good person growing up was paid to do so by George Soros.

NEVER NUT: Semen retention is crucial. Semen is pure masculinity, it makes us strong. The least gay thing you can possibly do is worship semen.

My so-called friends have all begged me to abandon the way of the alpha. They tell me things like how I should be comfortable with who I am, that I shouldn’t feel insecure because of some right-wing influencer, that @ArtOfTheAlpha is either satire or an attempt at forming a cult and I am the dumbest person alive. In other words, they’re all a bunch of weak-ass beta CUCKS. How else do you explain why they all have extremely attractive wives while I remain so very, very alone despite maximizing my gains?

Guy Listens To Entire Genesis Catalog While Waiting for Opportunity to Back Out of Trader Joe’s Parking Spot

Posted on by Courtney Hill

SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Local man Travis Anders recently listened to all 15 Genesis albums while waiting for a chance to back out of his parking spot at Trader Joe’s, fellow shoppers reported.

“When I got to my car it was classic TJ’s parking lot gridlock so I put on the Genesis debut and went to work on a bag of strawberry popcorn,” Anders recounted with the corners of his mouth still caked in congealed pink flavor dust. “I never intended to go deep in the catalog but after the proto-prog triptych of ‘Trespass,’ ‘Nursery Cryme,’ and ‘Foxtrot’ I was still boxed in and figured I’d dig into some tuna-cheddar cashews and fire up ‘Selling England by the Pound.’ I finally had a window of escape but a Cybertruck hit a shopping cart and burst into flames so I settled in for the hyper-concept ‘Lamb Lies Down on Broadway’ through synth-rock smash ‘Invisible Touch.’ Once the store closed I ended up spinning the final two albums while some teenage employees partied on the hood of my car not realizing I was in it.”

Resident Trader Joe’s parking lot busker Rusty Fitzgerald listened along to the whole thing from a nearby mulch bed.

“Hearing the complete works really highlights how Genesis was a constantly evolving force of creativity and innovation, kind of like the Trader Joe’s snack lab,” Fitzgerald mused while dipping jalapeño banana chips in butterscotch ricotta. “Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett’s departures were like Trader Joe’s pulling Chocolate Chip Sandwich Cookies from the shelves; it left a huge void in a classic lineup. Phil Collins taking the lead of the remaining trio felt like the music version of a wasabi pea covered in shredded coconut; nobody asked for it but there’s a subtle complexity. In the same way you’ll try a snack and say, ‘whoa- these are Trader Joe’s?!’ you’ll hear a song and say, ‘whoa- this is Genesis?!’”

Trader Joe’s manager Fran Dunbar pointed out that customers going through discographies in the parking lot is quite common.

“Many people are more comfortable sitting alone in a Trader Joe’s parking spot than they are being at home,” Dunbar explained while doctoring expiration dates. “Once a week I see someone with their seat all the way back and an icepack on their head listening to the full Rolling Stones or Bruce Springsteen or live Grateful Dead library. It’s one of the last places people can still go just to think. One guy hasn’t moved in months; he’s working through the Ty Segall collection but every time he finishes one album three more have come out.”

At press time, Anders was consulting with MIT professors to guide him out of a diagonal spot he’d foolishly backed into.