AUSTIN, Texas — Local hardcore band Cheapshot’s vocalists Victoria Weiss and Anthony Byers simultaneously launched into separate, heartfelt speeches between songs during a show last…
BERKELEY, Calif. — Total dumbshit motherfucker Bobby Owens attempted to start a circle pit last night during local hardcore band Ripped Together’s obvious two-step groove,…
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Aspiring musician Evan Wohrman spent the majority of an hour yesterday weighing the pros and cons of bringing home a pair of…
HARTFORD, Conn. — An elite extraction unit was called in last night to save local hardcore kid Tom Rodrigues from a swirling mosh pit after…
STILLWATER, Okla. — Doorjam guitarist and licensed driver Cory Adams passionately disagreed yesterday with his bandmates on what the phrase “treat it like a rental”…
EL PASO, Texas — Local musician Lenny Windsor was sentenced to two consecutive life sentences today for his part in a wild game of “Fuck,…
WASHINGTON — President Trump reversed this morning an Obama-era policy limiting the amount of guitar solos butt rock bands could include in a single song,…
WILKES-BARRE, Pa. — A 20-year-old threat made by Blink-182 frontman Mark Hoppus about fucking your mom is suddenly more realistic than ever following your parents’…
DURHAM, N.C. — James Polk High School maintenance workers found yesterday an extensive collection of vintage hacky sacks, some accidentally kicked onto the roof over…
KINGSTON, Mass. — A hardcore matinee show scheduled for this afternoon is reportedly indefinitely delayed until promoters can adequately stock the cash box to make…
SEATTLE — Members of local hardcore band Within My Grasp discovered today that a benefit show they agreed to play was actually a fundraiser to…
QUINCY, Mass. — A pair of teenagers crossing the parking lot of an abandoned strip mall moments ago report that there is definitely someone fucking…
LOS ANGELES — The first openly punk Bachelorette Kelly Sears stirred up controversy on the long-running reality show last night by immediately eliminating any contestant…
WASHINGTON — The entirety of the straight edge subculture is waiting patiently as a collection of hardcore elders draft their official stance on the non-psychoactive…
LAS VEGAS — Descendents frontman and Ph.D. molecular biologist Milo Aukerman can pay off his remaining student loan debt after reportedly hitting a $42,000 jackpot…