Help! I’ve Been Begging Hall & Oates To Take My Kiss off Their List for Decades, but They Refuse

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

As you’re no doubt already aware, Hall & Oates just released their annual Best Things in Life list, and what do you know? My kiss is on there for the 27th year in a row! Jeez, you join one throuple in college, and it follows you for life.

I know I should be flattered, but honestly, it reeks of desperation. Like, I get it, we had some good times — some really good times if I’m being honest — but that was a lifetime ago when we were all young, dumb, and full of … well, you get the idea. It’s time to let it go and move on. “We’ll always have Paris,” and all that horseshit.

Apparently when you’re the most successful pop duo of all time with record sales in excess of 80 million units worldwide you can kiss and tell all you want and nobody says boo. Well, I’m saying it. I’m saying boo.

What’s so special about me anyway? I’ve kissed dozens of men and women since my fling with Daryl and John all those years ago, and none of them have felt the need to catalogue my smooches like a psychopath, nor should they. I’m an above-average kisser at best. Not bad, but nothing to write home about and certainly nothing to put on a goddamn list.

I’ve been begging those two to take my kiss off their list for years, but they refuse as if they’re hoping that we might still get back together. Oates got his little mustache in such a twist over it last year that he sent me a bag of gourmet coffee with a note attached that said, “You mocha my dreams come true.” I’ll admit, it was cute, but I’m married with kids, for Christ’s sake! I’m not leaving my family just for a little slap and tickle with the guys who sang “Maneater.”

I recently tried to take it off the list myself, but it’s harder than deleting a Facebook account. First, I had to call the official Hall & Oates hotline, which is automated by the way. I had to navigate six menus before I reached an actual person, and then, get this, the bastard put me on hold! Guess what the hold music was? That’s right, fucking Hall & Oates. Ironically, it was “I Can’t Go For That” which was exactly how I felt after being on hold for twenty minutes.”

Eventually, I just gave up. If those clowns want the world to know how much they love my kisses, so be it. I’m not happy about it, but what else can I do? After all, there are worse lists to be on, like the Epstein List or People Magazine’s Worst Dressed list. When it comes down to it, I suppose I should be flattered. Now, if I could just get the Doobie Brothers to publicly admit that “Black Water” is not about that time I shit myself behind the Torrance, California Taco Bell in 1972…

MAGA Rapper’s Career Takes Off After Sexual Misconduct Allegations

Posted on by Steve Packosky

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Up and coming MAGA rapper Shilla Flo found his career reaching new heights after sexual harassment accusations from multiple women were brought to light, sources report.

“I woke up this morning, and the number of listens my album ‘Support the Flolice’ had on Spotify was ten times what it was last night,” Flo said. “I’ve also received phone calls from several right-wing record labels looking to sign me. Apparently it’s because there were some ladies who didn’t agree with my flirting style. It feels incredible to finally be in the same league as the best president this country has ever seen, which is great because he’s almost certainly going to stay in office past his allotted term limit. Trump 2028, baby!”

Fan David Crowley reacted to Flo’s newfound fame.

“This is amazing,” Crowley provided. “I hold my rappers to the same standards I hold my elected officials, so Shilla Flo is now one of my all-time favorites. I’ve been paying attention to him ever since his song ‘My Favorite Felon’ dropped last summer, and I was overjoyed to hear that he’s also being targeted by the same deep state that’s been going after our president so unfairly for the past decade. Every fan of MAGA rap now needs to support this guy and show the Woke Mob that we’re not going to stand idly by and let them turn this country back into the socialist hellhole it was under Biden.”

President Donald Trump weighed in on his acolyte’s overnight success.

“I don’t listen to much rap, but what a great guy,” Trump mused. “The radical left thugs and lunatics are running wild with their allegations. I bet these women who are accusing him aren’t even his type, because the same thing has been happening to me for years. There are so many men just like him. Big men. Strong men. You wouldn’t believe how big these men are. They’ve come up to me before with tears in their eyes, saying ‘Mr. Trump, I can’t believe what they’re doing to us. They’re accusing us and they’re stealing elections. They’re stuffing ballot boxes.’ And it’s awful what they’re doing. Just awful, but we’re back now, and I’ve got leaders from all over the world calling me, begging me to make deals with them.”

At press time, “Support the Flolice” went platinum after footage surfaced of Shilla Flo using a racial slur.

Virtual Dominatrix Caught on Zoom Call Wearing Pants

Posted on by Peter Woods

TRENTON, N.J. — Local virtual dominatrix Vixen Velvetlash was caught on Zoom wearing pants, shocking the BDSM community, confirmed disappointed sources.

“I feel violated and humiliated, but not in a good or sexual way,” said Armaan Fuller, Velvetlash’s sub who was on the call. “I was in the middle of putting my nipple clamps on and I just happened to look back at my screen through my gimp mask. And I saw my master stand up from her computer chair wearing a very comfortable-looking pair of grey sweatpants. She even had a pair of Lilo and Stitch slippers on. I couldn’t even look at her after that and not just because she makes me punch myself in the balls every time I do.”

Since the encounter, Velvetlash issued numerous formal apologies to both Fuller and the fetish community as a whole.

“I’m so ashamed,” said Velvetlash while searching Amazon for latex sweatpants. “Moving forward, I promise never to make my clients feel like their humiliation isn’t my sole focus when we have a session. And I am taking concrete steps to right this wrong. For instance, I promise to minimize all online poker games I have running on my computer during all dom interactions and I will move my computer so that my roommate won’t accidentally walk through the background at any point.”

However, the consequences of this incident have not just been experienced within the BDSM community, as ripple effects travel throughout daily life.

“We’re all trying to figure out what the ramifications will be,” said Clara Kaufman, a spokesperson for the Federal Communications Commission. “Normally, people fill out a form anytime they see something vaguely offensive, but this is the opposite problem, which is better than what we usually get, but it’s just kind of annoying that we have to write a new form letter saying we can’t do anything about people on the internet not being inappropriate enough.”

Despite the apologies, Velvetlash decided to move entirely to text, a decision many suspect was taken so the dominatrix can watch Netflix while working.

Opinion: Political Correctness is Ruining Bigotry

Posted on by Mike Moran

As we all know, “woke” culture has permeated nearly all facets of our American way of life, soaking through to the very fabric of our being, and our right to live free. It seems nothing is sacred anymore, not even the centuries-long tradition of judging, and condemning others based on their looking or acting differently than myself.

My grandfather was a great man who worked hard his whole life. He loved his family, his church, and a good old-fashioned racist joke every now and again. But when I try to honor his legacy nowadays, and break out the one about the “chinaman, the jewish, and the pants-wearing-woman, walking into a bar together,” I get stares of disapproval from the entire PTA.

It’s not just social interaction that is affected. Political correctness is silencing the serious discussions we need to have in this country, like how it’s totally weird how some dudes are attracted to other dudes. Or how young people are starting to dress outside of contemporary cultural fashion norms which dictate clothing styles arbitrarily associated with specific genders.

I mean, do you think George Washington or Jesus would have been caught wearing anything besides pants?

And don’t even get me started on immigrants. Listen, “native Americans” if you don’t like being called Indians, maybe you should go back to your own country. No one asked you to come here. I mean, it’s not like us white people came to India, and tried to force everyone to act the way we wanted.

We have to save America before it’s too late, people. If we don’t act now we could have an entire generation of citizens respecting one another without regard to race, gender, religion, or truck ownership.

It’s our right, nay our duty as proud, patriotic, Americans to fight political correctness like we fight the environment.I would like to think the founding fathers smile down on us true citizens, every time we use our freedom of speech to belittle an already marginalized minority, just like they intended.

Report: Sting Almost Done Having Sex Begun in 1994

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

LOS ANGELES — Legendary rock musician Sting has finally neared climax in a round of sexual intercourse that originally began in 1994, according to sources close to the coitus.

“Sting has been having the same round of intercourse for decades now,” said Carter Shah, Sting’s official biographer and sex timeline monitor. “While many fans became aware of the singer’s propensity for tantric lovemaking through his drunken 1993 interview with scarf-wearer Bob Gelfod, few know that he has actually been in constant lovemaking for years. That includes during the recording of hits like ‘Desert Rose,’ his 2007 reunion tour with The Police, and just off-camera in his supporting role in ‘Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.’”

“However, according to the feverish grunts I hear,” Shah added, listening through a water glass pressed against the wall of Sting’s bedroom. “It sounds like he’s about to cum.”

Sting’s wife Trudie Styler confirmed via text message that their 1990s-era sex was close to conclusion.

“When Gordon and I first got together,” Styler’s texts read. “I thought that he was exaggerating about his ability to prolong sex and, as he put it to Geldof, ‘take you to higher levels, where you don’t spill your seed.’ That was kind of weird, but I went along with it anyway and now I know that, if anything, he was underplaying it. In theory, this is pleasurable, but I also have missed everything from Y2K to that season of ‘American Crime Story’ where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays OJ, which has been a bit of a letdown.”

Sting himself also sent a somewhat garbled email to indicate that the idea of 30-year sex might actually be better in theory than practice.

“I’m a hugely busy guy,” read Sting’s email, apparently composed while nearing ejaculation. “I’ve got acting roles, music to record, more philanthropic efforts than you can possibly imagine. For years, I’ve sent stand-ins for every public appearance that I could while I’ve been plowing me wife, but still, I can’t do that all the time. You have no idea how awkward it is to make eye contact with Shaggy while simultaneously recording a collaborative reggae album and achieving heights of erotic pleasure that few humans have ever known. It’s weird, mate.”

As of press time, Sting’s orgasm was reportedly delayed by four more months after he accidentally thought about the time he saw Eric Clapton naked at Live Aid.

Netanyahu Presents Trump With Blown Up Body of Palestinian Two-Year-Old as Thank You for Continued US Support

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited President Trump at the White House today and gifted him the remains of an infant killed by American bombs in Gaza, multiple sources confirmed.

“America is the best friend Israel could ever ask for. To show my appreciation I brought him a fruit basket with Israel’s most delicious offerings, and an unidentified corpse of a future Hamas terrorist that we were able to eradicate because the American taxpayers have been so generous to our cause,” said Netanyahu while trying to wash the blood from his hands. “Traditionally, we would have just thrown this body in an unmarked mass grave, but I wanted President Trump to see that his support is not going to waste. Hopefully I’ll be able to bring him more exploded children next time, there are certainly plenty of them to choose from.”

President Trump spoke about his fondness for the gift and the relationship with Israel going forward.

“This is really great stuff. I love seeing just how powerful American bombs are, I opened up that bag and you can’t even tell it was a kid. I hope we can start using some of these bombs on the border and in these cities run by radical leftist lunatics. If we want to make America great again we have to blow a few people up, there is no way around it,” said Trump. “Prime Minister Netanyahu is also going to lend us a few members of his military to train our brave ICE agents on the best way to subdue a population. It’s going to be beautiful, then we are going to have illegal immigrants fighting on the White House lawn to the death and the winner gets a green card. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Democratic leader Chuck Schumer pushed back against the Netanyahu visit.

“It’s a disgusting display that Prime Minister Netanyahu didn’t bring more dead children as a sign of appreciation for all the Democrats who have supported him over the past two years. Democrats have stood firmly by his side, we want to see those dead children ourselves. We didn’t sign those bombs because we like the look of our signatures,” said Schumer. “I just hope he sees the error of his ways, but I would also like to apologize to anyone at AIPAC for speaking out of turn. Please don’t turn off my money, I’m just frustrated, we can work through this.”

At press time, Netanyahu turned on a live feed of a Gaza aid site and let President Trump yell the ceremonial “Open fire” to Israeli troops with their guns trained on starving Palestinians.

Man Wears MAGA Hat to Airport to Let Flight Crew Know He’ll Be an Issue

Posted on by Charles Bill

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Local right-wing conservative Tom Rospin wore a MAGA hat to the airport to let the flight crew know in advance that he would be an issue, confirmed sources who avoided eye contact with him at all costs.

“I love triggering libs who are just trying to make a connecting flight to San Diego,” said Rospin, whose Facebook profile pic is him in a truck wearing sunglasses. “I know I’m going to be a constant pain in the ass to the flight attendants, so I wear this hat so they can prepare for it. It’s a little consideration I take to let everyone know that I will be taking anything that doesn’t go my way like a toddler and loudly complaining about it. That’s the American way, as our president has demonstrated. I guess JetBlue just isn’t ready for a patriot like me.”

The Trump voter’s precautionary headwear proved to be a useful tool in identifying a problem passenger.

“I saw the hat and knew the guy would be a real jackass, and lo and behold, he absolutely was,” explained a visibly beleaguered flight attendant Sandra James. “He was asking for a drink before we even left the gate. I explained that we couldn’t serve anything until we were in flight, and he grumbled and sulked for a while. He loudly talked on his phone to someone about how people weren’t ‘respecting’ him, and how things used to be different. Fortunately we were prepared for this thanks to the hat and were able to drug his fourth Bud Light. He ended up sleeping and murmuring racial slurs.”

The FAA has praised Rospin for his willingness to self-identify as a massive prick.

“The real danger is assholes who are not clearly marking themselves,” relayed Chris Rocheleau, acting administrator of the FAA. “For every MAGA hat wearer making themselves known as dickheads, we have ten undercover monsters who will repeatedly use the call button to berate stewardesses. I am proposing that everyone who has ever written a Yelp review be put into a special database of trouble-makers. This would give our flight crews ample time to prepare to be abused.”

At press time, Rospin saw someone wearing a Che Guevara shirt and was preparing himself to cause a scene.

5 Great Podcast Ideas for Senators Who Just Don’t Feel Like Doing Their Jobs

Posted on by Steve Packosky

UGH, constituents, am I right? Constantly asking you to do things like legislate on their behalf and act in their best interest. Don’t they get that you just want to spend your time chilling and having conversations with your friends?

Your time is your own. Just because you’re a public servant doesn’t mean you should have to waste it performing your elected duties. As such, here are 5 great podcast ideas for senators who just don’t feel like, you know, senating.

Movies

Doesn’t talking about the newest Marvel movie sound so much better than being there for your state’s citizens during a life-threatening power outage? Honestly, who gives a shit? It’ll probably come back on at some point, and it’s not like you’re an electrical engineer. Brush up on rudimentary movie analysis (or don’t, it truly doesn’t matter) and get ready to discuss how good you think Mark Wahlberg was in “Flight Risk”.

Grievance Politics

This definitely seems like the most viable option here. A podcast dedicated to complaining about Critical Race Theory or some high school trans volleyball player in Kansas sure beats the shit out of proposing legislation to help the people who cast a vote for you, so get out of the Capitol and into a comfy chair, and start recording. Your loyal followers aren’t going to get inordinately angry about inane things for no fucking reason on their own!

True Crime

This topic will always be all the rage, so you’ll definitely have an eager audience. And anyway, doesn’t it sound so much more interesting than serving on the Senate Appropriations Committee? Almost certainly, so hook up your mic and talk about the Zodiac Killer for a few hours. Your pals up in Congress likely won’t even notice you’re gone.

Food

Cooking food, eating food, exploring food’s history, it doesn’t really matter. So long as it doesn’t involve working as a Senator, feel free to hit this from whichever angle you prefer. Just make sure to get going as soon as possible. Your colleagues are going to begin the boring-ass confirmation process for some presidential judicial nominees soon, and you need an excuse to miss it.

Christianity

Fuck yeah, your voters love this shit. You’ve been espousing religious bullshit ever since you got into politics, and for whatever reason they haven’t caught on that you think it’s a bunch of beans. It’s largely the reason you got into office in the first place. Weirdly, doing this is probably better for your career than actually doing your career, so get started!

Punk Opens Up to Therapist and Confesses Their Love For The Misfits’ “Famous Monsters”

Posted on by Jose Balderas

ONTARIO, Calif. — Local punk Remy Omomo made a breakthrough during a recent therapy session and admitted his love for the Graves-era Misfits’ album “Famous Monsters,” sources reported.

“I’ve been harboring these feelings since 1999 and I knew every time I pretended it wasn’t a big part of my identity I felt like I was dying inside, and not in a cool B-movie body horror way, so it was a major milestone when I was able to tell my therapist how much I fucking love this album even if I lose some of my best friends or even family,” relayed Omomo. “You have to be true to yourself and admit that you love ‘Lost in Space’ with Michale Graves’ weirdly fluctuating vocals and ‘Forbidden Zone’ with its retelling of everyone’s favorite ape movie. My therapist said it was all in my head and that many other punks also suffer. It’s important to know that you are not alone.”

Close friend Spider Gonzalez recounts how much Omomo’s secret affected their group.

“We were always concerned about how irrationally angry he would get at just the mere mention of anything Misfits-related. His outburst would seriously kill the mood when he’d begin yelling ‘Fuck Michale Graves!’ because yeah, we agree, but please calm down inside the Barnes & Noble,” said Gonzalez. “He told us recently he began therapy and we thought it was to handle his obsession with only having an even number of safety pins on him at all times but I guess it was for his Famous Monster-era phobia. The rest of his friends accept him even if he chooses to like that album. You know what they say, ‘love the band, hate that album.’”

Omomo’s therapist, Dr. Herman Garrett, expanded on scene-specific trauma he’s encountered with more regularity.

“More and more punks have been open to the idea of accepting who they are beyond what is expected of them in their social circles and scenes,” stated Garrett. “It’s ok to like a sub-par album of a band. It’s ok to put in a Laufey song in between Agnostic Front and Propagandhi. It doesn’t change who you are and what you are true to. It’s ok to enjoy ‘Famous Monsters’ and also want to punch Michale Graves. Those are valid feelings and once we understand that you are a multi-faceted person that can, and will, like shitty things from time to time then you are truly free to be yourself without any reservations.”

As of press time, Omomo also included Alkaline Trio’s “Crimson” and Bad Religion’s “Into The Unknown” into his regular rotation of albums.

RFK Jr. Announces Plans to Live Forever After Stuffing His Holes with Silica Gel Packets

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today declared his plans to live for eternity after stuffing his orifices with silica gel packets, sources confirmed.

“I’m proud to announce I’ve discovered a miracle anti-aging breakthrough—I stuffed silica gel packets in all my holes and now I can never die! You’d be amazed how many of these suckers you can fit in your pee-hole, but you really gotta get ’em up there or the healing crystals can’t latch onto your taint chakra,” mumbled RFK Jr., loose packets spilling from his mouth. “You see, the ancient Egyptians had the right idea with mummification, but the crucial mistake they made was only embalming themselves after they were dead. But this stuff is all-natural, non-toxic, and ever since I’ve started silica-maxxing I’ve transcended the need to void my bowels.”

Make America Healthy Again acolyte Bradley Gaines took to TikTok to try the new silica-maxxing trend.

“We stan our desiccant daddy RFK Jr., so you know I had to try this new miracle aging cure myself. Now the first thing you’ll notice is all these junk food wrappers around me—I wouldn’t be caught putting this processed garbage in my body, I just needed to buy it to get enough nourishing silica packets to fill my bodily apertures,” said Gaines, grunting as he stuffed a handful of packets down his pants. “Wow, you can really feel the silica working immediately, it’s kind of like popping a Zyn except instead of an energizing buzz it feels like your asshole is filled with rock salt. Well the guidelines did say that some bleeding was normal, but thankfully the silica will dry all that up in no time.”

Healthcare workers pleaded with Americans to not follow the new HHS guidelines on how to safely shove silica packets in your orifices.

“I can’t in good conscience recommend that Americans ‘lube up with tallow and start slowly with one or two fistfuls of silica packets until you feel the euphoria wash over your naked body,'” said gastroenterologist Dr. Gabriel Trammell. “The list of things we recommend you shove up your ass are pretty small, and desiccant packets from an old bag of beef jerky is definitely not one of them. There is also no clinical evidence to the claim that ‘when you cross the silica desert and hallucinate an oasis, it’s the trickster Loki trying to con you into drinking from the pool of seed oils.'”

Having conquered death, RFK Jr. announced plans to spend the next 500 years searching across time and space for the cure for autism.