REVERE, Mass. — Misguided 43-year-old street punk Martin “Peanut” Landers announced today that he will be upping his cigarette intake to help himself lose 15…
ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local woman Connie Walters is fed up with all of her friends constantly asking for financial advice, based solely on the…
LOS ANGELES — Local girlfriend Ashley Wagner mistakenly believes Bryce Latterby, her boyfriend of six months, is actively engaged in a sultry conversation with Instagram…
CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple released a surprising new report today, revealing that the average iPhone owner uses roughly half of their storage space to save…
POMONA, Calif. — Aging punk Kelvin Obera hired a no-nonsense private investigator last week, trying to determine the exact time the headlining band would take…
IRVING, Texas — Senior ExxonMobil executive Robert Stone announced today that his company will donate millions of dollars toward rebuilding gas stations across southeast Australia…
MAMANUCA ISLANDS, Fiji. — Crew members currently filming the latest season of “Survivor” were shocked to discover that a scab covered, emaciated, crust punk they…
WHITMAN, Mass. — Small town police officer Patrick O’Brien is looking forward to reuniting with old friends and classmates while they’re in the back seat…
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Local 14-year-old Colton Blewitt resisted the urge to tell his father he loved him today, fearing the declaration might be perceived as…
SAN FRANCISCO — Lifelong straight edger Timothy Sharp tipped $5 on a glass of tap water last night, thanks to his ignorance of bar etiquette…
CRANSTON, R.I. — Punk father and son team Jerry and Steve Pappas began work today restoring a mint condition 2017 Ford Econoline van to get…
DALLAS — Local punk Denny “Wart” Morrill surprised fellow Dallas Marathon runners yesterday by shitting himself at the very beginning of the race, leaving many…
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Local death metal enthusiast Cooper Dempsey realized that the lyrics to Cannibal Corpse’s 1994 classic “Fucked With a Knife” might be a…
WASHINGTON — Legendary frontman and Airbnb Superhost Ian Mackaye was confused last week when a couple renting a room in his legendary Dischord House didn’t…
A Non Playable Character who seems mostly responsible for pushing around medical equipment in the background cut-scene of porter meeting his mom has told sources…