Widow Won’t Shut Up About Her Ex

Posted on by Max Eckert

SHIPPENSBURG, Penn. — Local widow Claire Donnelly wouldn’t shut the hell up about her former spouse who tragically passed away recently, confirmed sources who have been trying to change the subject for the last 15 minutes.

“My god, all she talked about was Peter or James or whatever his name was. I’ve got my own problems, I really don’t need to keep hearing about how he died in a horrific car accident two days before their fifth wedding anniversary. I get it, he was on life support and in and out of comas for weeks,” said coworker Bradley Jameson. “It’s like, talk about the weather, football, or anything else people are interested in. No one likes someone who trauma dumps. Honestly, I’m just trying to swoop in and get in her pants. I don’t need to keep being reminded of the love she shared with a man for 15 years during his funeral. Think about someone else for a change, like me and my needs. For instance, my cat died two years ago and she hasn’t brought that up even once. So selfish.”

Despite indifference from everyone, Donnelly just couldn’t read the room.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” said Donnelly while friends didn’t know whether to console her or pretend like she wasn’t sobbing. “The amount of love and support I received immediately after the incident has been tremendous, but after a good few hours it seemed like people wanted me to move on. I mean, I tried to. I talked about my grief and depression, but people seemed to be more interested in the catering job. I get it. The tuna tartare was to die for.”

Experts didn’t appear to relate to the widow’s struggles.

“Thanks to the advances of modern-day therapy, no one has to hear anyone else’s troubles anymore so nobody wants to be burdened with someone else’s emotional pain,” said psychologist Rudy Maiyer. “It’s way more healthy to pay to talk to a complete stranger about things that are going on in your life. We have evolved beyond the confines of intimate friendships and relationships, so now it just looks weird to talk about your dead spouse to your best friend of 30 years. Give your loved ones the gist and move on.”

At press time, Donnelly wouldn’t shut the hell up about her child who passed away after getting hit by a bus immediately after the funeral of her former husband.

Revamped Village People Lineup Featuring All Cops to Perform At Trump Inauguration

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Popular ‘70s gay icons Village People announced they would be performing at multiple Trump inauguration events and will feature a new lineup made up entirely of cops, sources with perfectly groomed chest hair confirmed.

“This is the Village People everyone has always wanted. We’ve trimmed the fat, no more cowboys, no more bikers, no more Native Americans, just six boys in blue who love working out, hanging with the guys in the locker room, and giving thanks to the machoest macho man of them all, Donald Trump,” said Village People founding member, and convicted felon, Victor Willis. “Don’t worry, we are going to play all the hits, and if anyone so much as whispers about how we seem a little gay I will sue the crap out of you. Since when is it gay to have a handful of buff guys sing and dance to disco? Thankfully our Republican fan base understands.”

Trump supporter, and lifelong Village People fan, Trent Lepoita says he is excited for the inauguration festivities.

“This is going to be such a great day. I’ve done so much to prepare, first I’m making sure I eat light, I trimmed all my body hair because I feel like a real American patriot when I’m well-groomed, and I gave myself an enema because this is the best country in the world,” said Lepoita. “All the guys at the bathhouse I go to are just as excited. We told our wives to not expect us to come home, things might get a little wild when the boys get together to celebrate Trump and see the Village People in all their glory. I’m so excited I could squeal.”

President-elect Trump praised the news about the new Village People lineup.

“The Village People, some of the best people I ever met. Really great people, all of them. But now they are even better. All of them are cops now, can you believe that? I had a cop come up to me the other day, real big strong guy, nice mustache, really thick. I asked him how he got his mustache so thick and he said ‘That’s a great question nobody has ever asked me that before,’” said Trump. “Then he started tearing up and told me the only reason he likes being a big tough guy cop is because of me. He said that. He said he looks at me and sees the toughest guy around. He compared me to Batman, think about that. Batman.”

At press time, the new Village People lineup were seen harassing a group of teenagers for loitering outside a 7-Eleven.

David Lynch Dead at 78, or in the White Lodge, or Maybe the Whole Thing Is Just a Dream, We’re Not Sure

Posted on by Dan Rice

David Lynch, the iconic auteur behind such projects as “Twin Peaks,” “Blue Velvet,” and “Mulholland Drive,” passed away today at the age of 78. Maybe. We think. It’s also possible that he has entered a world just beneath the surface of this world known as “The White Lodge,” or that everything we are witnessing is merely someone’s dream. Gotta be honest we are completely lost on this one.

Our office has been in a surrealist state of high strangeness ever since the story was announced. When our editor first informed us, there was an immediate silence, followed by every writer saying “We’re sorry” in unison. The lights dimmed, and a spotlight suddenly showed on Julee Cruise, who honest to god we didn’t even know was there a second ago. She sang a hauntingly sad song, which we applauded, then attempted to resume business as usual.

For a few moments, everything seemed normal, save for the jazz music playing in the background that no one could find the source of. Then, an intern began shrieking in terror at a ceiling fan. Our copy editor waltzed passed her humming an old doo-wop song, his hair having mysteriously turned white. The head of our art department inexplicably transformed into a 20-year-old mid-west auto mechanic who looked exactly like Balthazar Getty, and we had to let him go.

We’ve employed every means of deduction at our disposal to unravel the mystery of what exactly is going on here—dream analysis, spiritual intuition, the Tibetan method—and so far every clue has created more questions than it’s answered. Here’s what we know so far:

The Body
Lynch was found on the side of a lake wrapped in plastic, his arms tied backward. A tiny piece of paper with a lowercase “r” was extracted from one of his fingernails, perhaps what The Giant was referring to when he said, “When he is pointing he can talk.”

Time Of Death
Lynch’s exact time of passing was printed in a personals ad in a BDSM magazine published two weeks ago, suggesting either prescience or foul play. The ad also contained the chess move Qc7.

There Is A Giant
Oh, we should backtrack a bit. Yeah so there’s a giant, we call him The Giant, he shows up and tells us stuff sometimes. He’s also maybe a dancing jazz dwarf or an arm. Everybody up to speed? Great.

Every Woman Involved In The Case Is An Absolute Smokeshow
Talented! Undeniably talented but yeah, wall-to-wall 10s.

The Owls Are Not What They Seem
They are either aliens, tulpas, or ghosts, if they exist at all. This has no bearing on the case whatsoever but just, be aware.

We’re At Your House Right Now
Here’s a phone, go ahead and call your house. You’ll hear us answer. It’s fucking crazy man.

On July 16, 1945, The First Atomic Bomb Was Detonated
It is unclear if this unholy act created true evil itself or merely opened the door for already existing otherworldly evil to enter our plain of reality but needless to say The Giant, who is also The Fireman, did not approve.

Pay Particular Attention To The Opening Of Mulholland Drive
Lynch insists that at least two clues to his death are revealed before the credits. Note the coffee cup.

Andy Has A Gun
This is unrelated but should Andy really have a gun?

A Horse
Just a beautiful, magnificent white horse.

IDF Soldier Haunted By Images of Palestinian Children Playing in Town Square

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GAZA CITY, Palestine — Israeli Defense Force First Sergeant Yosef Shochet admitted that he is suffering from terrible nightmares portraying happy, active children playing in the streets of Gaza following the announcement of a ceasefire, sources close to the soldier confirmed.

“When I close my eyes at night I hear the sounds of their childish laughter and it makes me physically ill. Their joy is nothing short of evil, I wouldn’t be surprised if there are Hamas command centers inside all of these kids,” said Sergeant Shochet while clutching his rifle. “Some people say they count sheep to fall asleep, but the only thing that works for me is counting bombs falling from the sky. I picture them leveling schools and hospitals and it gives me a brief respite of inner peace. But eventually, the negative images creep back in. I wake up in a cold sweat thinking about these kids playing soccer with a deflated ball outside of where their house used to be.”

Gaza resident Hasan Arafa says he feels no sympathy for any IDF soldier claiming to suffer from any form of PTSD.

“It’s a miracle I’m still alive. I’ve watched my wife and mother die in my arms and I haven’t had a real meal in almost a year. I’ve been drinking contaminated water and most days I actually pray for death, so no, I don’t feel bad that a war criminal is having a tough time coping with not killing children,” said Arafa while helping clear debris from a recently bombed aid center. “When I look around I see nothing but death and destruction, when I close my eyes I see nothing but death and destruction. It is true torture, I just hope it ends soon.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says all IDF soldiers will have unlimited access to mental health resources free of charge thanks to money from the United States.

“We know this potential ceasefire will be tough on our military recruits. We are already developing lifelike dolls that look like Palestinian women and children for our soldiers to shoot, stab, and whatever else brings them some sense of normalcy,” said Netanyahu. “Also, I want to remind everyone that this ceasefire probably won’t stop us from dropping bombs. Nothing will stop us. We can do whatever we want and face no consequences because our allies abroad let us.”

At press time, soldiers having the hardest time dealing with the ceasefire were reassigned to the West Bank to help with the illegal seizure of land for Israeli settlers.

Childhood Trauma Rebranded as “How Things Were Done in Those Days” by Your Parents

Posted on by Matt Oriente

MOSES LAKE, Wash. — Your parents announced that your childhood trauma will now be officially rebranded as “how things were done in those days,” confirmed sources currently discussing this in therapy.

“We just want to make sure things are viewed in the right light now that our children are grown adults with opinions,” explained your dad. “Did it really matter that I didn’t hug my kids enough? Honestly, I thought that’s what their grandparents were for. But again—that’s just the way it was in those days. Things like putting your career first to climb the corporate ladder and making as much money as possible for yourself was what you did. The reality was, sitting in an auditorium watching my two-year-old’s dance recital wasn’t going to pay the mortgage on our house that we paid $1,000 for. Now that house is worth $3.5 million.”

You understandably were concerned that the rebrand downplays the more significant moments of your childhood.

“We obviously don’t agree with the revamped memories, as it doesn’t allow for any sort of resolution or healthy dialogue with my parents to come to a mutual understanding,” you said. “I’ve talked to both my parents about this, and the moment you call them out, they just get this glazed over look in their eye and say ‘it is what it is,’ as if that explains why they still won’t tell me they’re proud of me. It’s frustrating.”

Donna Loverly, a researcher at UCLA studying the effects of childhood trauma on the population, thinks the issue isn’t so black and white.

“Defining and encapsulating ‘childhood trauma’ is complicated,” Loverly said. “Some kids legitimately go through significant psychological challenges that change them on a deep level. But what others view as childhood trauma can’t always be classified as that at all. It’s often just scenarios where the child wasn’t the absolute center of the universe for everyone around them and not realizing they are being extremely annoying. In those cases, we found that parents just needed a breather—always being ‘on’ as a parent is exhausting. It’s ok to take a few days or weeks off from parenting here and there for some quality ‘you’ time. That’s what I did and almost some of my adult kids still call me.”

At press time, you stated that you had no plans to have children but were set to marry someone this summer who, you admitted, reminds you a little too much of your dad.

Opinion: Fuck It, 2026 Will Be My Year

Posted on by Tyler Roland

Well, it’s a week into 2025, and let’s just cut the bullshit right here, right now. Fuck it, 2026 will be my year. 2025 is just not it.

Just thirteen minutes into the new year, I knew the next twelve months were toast. I drunk-texted my ex, we’ve all been there, right? Well, she just unloaded this huge update on me. Turns out the new guy popped the question when the ball dropped and they’re getting hitched in February. That’s Valentine’s Day already messed up. Clearly the first week of 2025 was not the right week to quit Big Macs. Also drinking.

I figured I would just take a knee for the week and go at me new year new me plan full force on January 8th, but wouldn’t you know it, my mom texted me. Turns out my brother wiped out his student loans and got a huge promotion on his first day back after the holidays, and instead of just being happy for him she had all sorts of questions about when I was going to “make something” out of myself. Well Mom, right now as a matter of fact, but since you decided to trigger me like that it looks like another week of Big Macs and booze for me! Also lethargy.

Just looking at this upcoming year, I should have known this would not be the one. I just checked the calendar and my birthday, June 13th, is on a Friday this year. What a fucking drag. Call me superstitious, but to me that’s just a bad omen that says another lazy year of booze and Big Macs. Also, pretty sure I’m losing my job.

My whole plan in 2025 was nonstop entrepreneuring, but all of my ideas are falling apart right before my eyes. Like making a mini-golf chain called “Golf of America,” that ain’t happening now.

Oh, well. 2026 is for sure gonna be my time to shine. I’ll get to work on a bunch of ideas that’ll pay off by 2030. Maybe do some crypto investing with my newfound fortune around 2032. By 2036…maybe 2040-ish…you’ll be sorry you ever doubted me.

Dipshit Out on Walk With Headphones Definitely Picturing Self in Opening Scene of Movie

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — Disturbed onlookers rolled their eyes as local bozo Sturgill Lacey clearly envisioned himself in an opening film’s montage due to the music he was listening to, sickened sources confirmed.

“I mean, we can’t really hear what he’s listening to in his headphones, but, c’mon, the guy is clearly imagining that he’s the main character of the planet today. Jauntily skipping over puddles, and petting every dog he comes across. I guess the plot is about a man who unites his entire community through cringing?” lamented local coffee shop owner Imani Hempstead, as she made eye contact with a customer as if to say “I know, right?” “Ah jeez, did you see that? He just said ‘bonjour’ to the baker across the street, like he’s Belle or something! Someone needs to kick this dude’s ass. Now that, I’d watch!”

Lacey’s response did little to combat the town’s suspicion.

“Sorry, can’t talk now! On my way to my high-powered job as a corporate lawyer, maybe! Or perhaps today’s the day I win back my lost love, the one that got away because I just couldn’t give her what she deserved, until today!” murmured Lacey, as the plodding strains of the Buzzcocks’ “Why Can’t I Touch It?” blasted faintly from his earbuds. “Hell, I may even need to do some of this commute in slow motion. Ah, bonjour monsieur bread baker! How are vous today, mon frere! Ah, can’t talk long, ze chorus, she is coming back up!”

As luck would have it, the film crew behind the upcoming 24-hour Truman Show-esque documentary series on Lacey titled “Simply Sturgill” admitted this wasn’t in their plan.

“This dummy’s ruining the whole show! It’s sucking the fun out of everything now that he’s pretending to actually be filmed. We need a guy who doesn’t think that would happen at all!” said director of photography Michaela Windstrom-Linz. “And if he starts singing along, our music licensing budget surely doesn’t cover an actual Buzzcocks song. Damn, I knew I should have taken that three-camera sitcom job over at CBS. Reality TV, man, it really is ruining everything.”

At press time, the imagined movie in question ended up having only enough footage for a short film, as Lacey thankfully got creamed by a city bus.

NYPD Unveils AI Surveillance Program to Help Them Arrest Wrong Guy 70% Faster

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — The New York City Police Department unveiled a new AI surveillance program that promised to help them arrest the wrong guy 70% faster, law enforcement official sources confirmed.

“Crime sure feels like it’s at an all-time high, and that’s why the NYPD is proud to introduce our revolutionary new ‘AI in the Sky’ surveillance program that is guaranteed to get somebody—anybody—behind bars in under 24 hours,” said NYPD Chief Lou Maddrey, visibly struggling to keep Mayor Adams from taking the microphone during his press conference. “With the time that AI will save us on pesky detective work, we’ll be able to allocate twice as many officers to perp walk shackled fare evaders. We’re confident that this incredible technology will be instrumental in justifying why we need our budget to increase to $10 billion next year.”

New York City resident Terrell Jones was reportedly impressed with how quickly he was arrested after the AI tool pinpointed him, despite the fact that he did not actually commit the crime.

“I thought it would be impossible for me to have mugged that lady in Central Park since I was on a flight back to NYC from Toronto when it happened, but with the groundbreaking power of artificial intelligence it turns out I’m actually guilty—is there anything AI can’t do?” said Jones. “I’m on the flight manifest and everything, but if AI said I did it then I guess it must have been me. I hope my lawyer knows some good prompts to ask ChatGPT for a criminal defense strategy!”

Senior AI Engineer Thomas Paulson explained how the “AI in the Sky” program could pinpoint a suspect for any crime in just seconds.

“First, our proprietary algorithm searches the probability matrix and cross-references billions of facial recognition results within the quantum nexus. Then through the magic of AI, our program selects someone at random, and voila! There’s your suspect,” said Paulson, demonstrating the surveillance tool. “With a 100% arrest rate using our program, we can confidently say that AI will be the future of police work. Now we’ve heard some worrywarts describe our use of AI-surveillance to pinpoint suspected criminals with words like ‘unfriendly’ and ‘techno-fascist police state’ so that’s why it comes with a charming avatar of an eagle named Ian wearing a police hat to make your AI-powered arrest feel more fun and personalized.”

At press time, Paulson was arrested after the AI pinpointed him as the culprit for JFK’s assassination, despite not being born until 1985.

5 Household Pets That I’ve Failed To Teach Karate To

Posted on by James Knapp

Karate—the perennial backup sport for kids who weren’t coordinated enough to play soccer. And what is a more direct comparison to an uncoordinated child than the average house pet. Well, I have attempted to teach karate to five of the noblest of man’s varied best friends and, as my father said to me after every little league game, several spelling bees, and one particularly disastrous bring-your-child-to-work day, “it was all an abysmal failure.”

Here are the top 5 pets that despite my very best efforts, are sadly not ninja.

5. Snake
I never had particularly high expectations for the snake, despite it being the inspiration for an entire kung fu movie fighting style and the icon behind Cobra Kai’s philosophy. Kata demo afte kata demo the snake failed to learn anything, save for deception and treachery, which it already had a huge head start on because it’s a snake. Still, its body made a pretty decent karate belt to hold the whole gi together.

4. Parrot
I’d have thought a parrot would be better at learning karate than most birds. I mean, their whole deal is that they’re supposed to copy whatever you tell them, I figured I could apply the same logic to its muscle memory. But all this jerk did was dance around his oversized seed bell while repeating the phrase “Do some goddamn karate already, you smartass bird!” He lacked discipline is what I’m saying.

3. House Cat
I thought this one was basically a layup. The world’s foremost karate masters pride themselves on having cat-like reflexes, so I figured he was born halfway there! Here’s the thing about cats, they have no loyalties. Sure, though their lithe bodies and ability to always claw at the most vulnerable part of your body may lend themselves to karate in theory, without the essential respect for their sensei. Fluffy pissed all over my house, scratched the hell out of my furniture, and worst of all refused to take his shoes off on my matt. He’s a cat, he’s not even supposed to wear shoes at all!

2. Tarantula
A tarantula felt like it should be an obvious choice to learn karate. Like, long limbs mean strong kicks, right? What I failed to take into account is that, despite being larger than most spiders, they are still relatively easy to kill with a shoe. And though karate is usually taught barefoot, at some point this is gonna spill out into the real world and where the hell is it gonna be then? Splattered all over the wall of a PetCo aquarium display? Actually yes, which brings me to my next house pet…

1. Goldfish
Well I’ll say this for Goldy, he tried his little fish heart out. But without hands or feet or a memory that lasts more than eleven seconds his karate move selection was always gonna be very limited. Still, I think he did manage to learn a couple of defensive moves, like hiding behind the 19th-century scuba diver figurine in his tank, before I blasted that tarantula all over the glass and he had a little fish heart attack. Again, apologies to everyone at PetCo for my behavior, and I promise this will all go so much better when I try to teach all those rescue dogs to play poker.

Drummer Wants More Creative Input on Where the Band Stops for Lunch

Posted on by Jeff Bender

LAUREL, Miss. — Drummer Keith Reed for the hard rock group Assistant Coach expressed a desire to contribute creatively to the band’s decisions about where they stop for lunch, sources reported.

“Usually it’s Tongue [McSwayne], our frontman, who decides where we dine,” said Reed, who also drives the van. “But lately, I don’t know. I’ve been on a creative tear about where we could get lunch. Sometimes I wanna just be like, ‘Hey, how do we all feel about Saladworks?’ or, ‘Anyone thinking Whole Foods right now?’ These creative impulses assault me, mostly because I see the restaurants as I drive, and I’m just trying to let them breathe. But when I mention something to Tongue, he just says he’ll consider it and to pull over at the next Arby’s.”

The Assistant Coach lead singer had an eye-roll approach to Reed’s creative outbursts.

“Keith means well,” said McSwayne. “But we’d never be where we are today if we’d listened to his ‘ideas’ every time we stopped for lunch, brunch, or even—let’s face it—an early dinner. His instincts are all wrong. The other day he suggested Jimmy John’s with a stop at Minit Mart for trail mix. I just tell him we’ll have a band meeting about it, but let’s be honest, we’re not gonna meet about it. We all know what happened when Metallica let Lars take them to Another Broken Egg Café. Three months later, out pops ‘St. Anger.’”

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl offered some advice for Reed.

“Speaking as someone who’s been a drummer and a lead, I think it’s really important he tread lightly. Maybe make one small suggestion per week—and I’m talking conservative, like Cracker Barrel. Or maybe let Tongue ask, first, if anyone has ideas,” said the veteran, who’s in his fourth decade of navigating tour dynamics. “Could Keith be the next Phil Collins, calling out exciting and innovative lunch solutions when the frontman craps out? Sure. But he could also sink the band with his ‘creative input.’ As drummers, we need to keep to ourselves and do what they tell us—especially regarding dining options.”

At press time, McSwayne was in an IHOP parking lot auditioning new drummers to see how well they could shut up and drive the van.