Review: I Tried Every Flavor of Monster I Could Find Before I Was Put Into a Medically Induced Coma for My Safety

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

Monster Energy drinks are the lifeblood of musicians and athletes alike. There are seemingly hundreds of varieties to choose from. This week, I picked up one of every Monster at the liquor store by my apartment to determine which flavor is best.

In hindsight, I probably should have taken just a small sample of each one somalie style. Instead, I pounded can after can until the beast within me was truly and medically released, and I had to be induced into a coma as I had become a threat to myself and others. Anyway, here’s how far I got.

Monster Energy (Original)
This is your entry-level Monster. It’s got that sweet, citrusy chemical taste we’ve all grown to love. And it packs more than a full day’s supply of whatever the fuck D-glucuronolactone is. Just one of these bad boys gives me the strength to load a dirt bike into my truck by hand, no ramps needed! Try pulling that off with one of those inferior energy drinks!

Monster Energy Lo-Carb
Not too shabby. There’s a familiar artificial citrus flavor but it’s a little less sweet. This blue beast has all the caffeine and “Energy Blend” you get from its green brother, which I desperately need right now to fight this sugar crash I’m experiencing as that first Monster wears off. My entire body is vibrating with approval as I fire back my second Monster of the day.

Monster Energy Zero Ultra
Yum, yum, yum! I’ve never tried the white Monster before. I usually stick to the green one because it’s the O.G. and I loved it enough to get the logo tattooed on my chest in high school so why would I have done that if there was anything wrong with it that needed to be “zeroed” out of the recipe, huh, can you tell me that? I am so fucking into this flavor! I think I’ll try a few of the other Ultra variants next to see if they’re all this good!

Monster Energy Ultra Violet
HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS FUCKING PURPLE!

Monster Energy Ultra Fiesta Mango
Not enough purple! Not even close. Ultra Fiesta Mango was hard for me to finish. Mostly because the Howling Man phased in through my kitchen wall and tried to stop my research but you can go eat shit, Howling Man! I’ve had five cans of Monster and even you aren’t powerful enough to stop me! Now take your snakes and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Monster Ultra Blue and Monster Ultra Red mixed together in a bowl and frantically chugged to achieve necessary internal levels of purple
Here comes the purple you shrieking bastard! I should have never betrayed my beloved purple to swill that foul mango concoction. Certainly not with these wretched cobras afoot! Fortunately, I’ve memorized the ancient formula for purple, like my forefathers before me. Only I can resist the wail of the Howling Man and his entourage of serpents!

Well, that’s as far as I got before the National Guard showed up to tranquilize me. Evidently, I had mistaken a local food court for the lodge of The Howling Man and the denizens of said food court for his proxies, who I attacked with a Yield sign I had torn out of the ground mistaking it for the sword of Lightingyore. I wish I could explain it better than that but the details of the mythology I had crafted have faded since the coma. Funny side note, they actually thought I was clinically dead for a few days! I wish I could say this won’t happen again, but it’s come to my attention that there are actually a lot of Red Bull variants now, and I have a job to do.

Texas Republicans Introduce Bill Requiring Parental Advisory Stickers on All Guns Sold to Minors

Posted on by Tim Sheard

AUSTIN, Texas — GOP lawmakers from the Lone Star State introduced a bill requiring parental advisory stickers be placed on all guns that end up in the hands of minors, sources report.

“This is our way of letting the public know that we hear your repeated calls to address the concerning cases of gun violence in the great state of Texas,” House Republican Jared Patterson said. “We all remember how effective parental advisory stickers were with preventing young people from hearing offensive music, and we feel they will have the same effect in curbing future tragedies. While, lamentably, guns here can only be sold to minors with the express consent of a parent or guardian, we want to make sure every God-fearing Texan has access to a bump-stock equipped death machine, and we will all be sleeping a little easier at night if this bill passes.”

Negligent parent Ron McCormick expressed his hope that the bill would pass.

“It’ll be nice to have some peace of mind when I take my son Conner to get his first AR-15 for his 16th birthday next year,” McCormick offered. “He’s been adamant about getting a gun lately, and I figure anything that gets him away from the computer is a blessing. I’m glad Texas politicians are keeping safety at the forefront of their gun priority list with this sticker bill, though. I want Conner to have a warning attached to his first semi-automatic rifle. He spends all his time in his dark bedroom using something called ‘4Chan,’ so if a new gun gets him out of the house and around other people in the real world, I’m all for it.”

Gun violence expert Natasha Healey was less receptive to the effort from Texas Republicans.

“This is just the latest example of lazy, superficial policy made under the thin veil of addressing gun violence,” Healey sighed. “Parental advisory stickers started being placed on compact discs 40 years ago because Tipper Gore was bored and stupid, and there’s no evidence to suggest that those kept any minors from hearing N.W.A. I’m certain we’re going to see a similar result with them being placed on firearms. At this point, we should all just give up and live in bunkers.”

At press time, Patterson was also working on a bill that would require the Ten Commandments be displayed next to any computer that can be used to type a sprawling manifesto.

Elon Musk Makes Generous Donation to Erectile Dysfunction Therapy Startup for Absolutely No Reason in Particular

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Social pariah and world’s richest man Elon Musk made a staggering donation to a new startup with a mission statement of curing erectile dysfunction, confirmed sources who say it isn’t a big deal and people need to stop reading into it.

“Right, I can’t donate $789,000,000 to a company seeking to eradicate erectile dysfunction without people talking about how my penis doesn’t work, how sad my balls are, and how they would kill themselves if they had a penis even half as bad. It’s a tired and lazy attack. I consider myself a hero for helping this cause,” Musk said while wearing a vintage 1932 Hugo Boss SS uniform. “You people need to get a life, really, it’s getting annoying. These are the same jerks that gave me crap for helping fund an AI company that is making great advances in creating virtual reality sex slaves. Or the medical science company that does non-surgical penis enlargement and shape correction. These are valuable companies that I’m proud to support.”

Jeremy Kapston, the COO of Harden, was surprised by Musk’s interest in his startup.

“I had just started putting together a pitch deck for funding when I got a call from Elon who was super excited about what we were doing. Harden promises to give men rock-hard erections without the side effects often associated with Viagra and Cialis, not to mention we will help men produce more semen with our proprietary formula. The semen thing really got Elon excited, it’s really all he talks about on our progress calls,” said Kapston. “The other great thing about working with Elon is he wants to help test the product. Every time he walks through the facility he eats any random pill he finds on the ground, I guess that’s what it’s like being a genius.”

President Trump also promised government funding to bring Harden to the American people.

“I’ve looked at the research and America is falling far behind in erection dominance. Before Obama, America had the best erections, my erections were beautiful back then, it was like the New York skyline covered in red hair all the way down the shaft. But the Democrats neutered us all with DEI and open borders,” said Trump. “When I look at porn I’m not seeing virile American men anymore, it’s all foreign men with our barely legal teens. That needs to change, I want to make America stand at attention again.”

At press time, Musk was actively looking for startups that could develop a treatment to prevent sex workers from puking every time he undressed in front of them.

I Used to Love Meth Until I Learned about its Roots in Fascism

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

Meth: It’s one of those things we all love. For many people, myself included, meth is more than just a crystal shard, it’s a lifestyle. But what I learned recently about meth shook me to my core. Behind every shard of meth, was a man, and that man’s name was Adolf Hitler.

I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out. When I started Googling “facism” for the first time after the election, I was appalled at what I read about Nazis, but what really shocked me was finding out that meth was actually developed by Nazi scientists in an attempt to create super soldiers. I was speechless, meth being used for evil? I couldn’t believe it.

At first, I tried not to think about it, but the next time I hit the pipe, I felt weird. I have friends who are Jewish and gay. I used to never understand why they kept begging me to stop smoking meth every day. But now it finally clicked. Smoking crystal in front of them reminded them of the struggles they and their families had to go through. Walter White, to them, was just another Himmler.

Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. When I smoked meth with others, I noticed their swastika tattoos for the first time. Were they always there? Or did I only start noticing them now? It was the subtle things like this that I had been blind to my whole life.

The scariest takeaway from this: meth has become ingrained in the American way of life. It’s not enough for just me to quit. People stared at me for tweaking at ShopRite, they didn’t stare at me for enabling fascism. We need to do better, America, and build a culture that looks past meth, and cares about history.

It’s crucial we build a better world, one where we can separate the art from the artist. If we can get our meat humanely, why not mix cough syrup, iodine, lye, and muriatic acid into a boil in a way that oppressed minorities can get behind. When will Congress wake up and fight the real evil?

But for now, it’s not enough to just quit smoking meth, I have to fight the injustice I helped support, I’m going to do something that isn’t rooted in evil, that will maybe help topple the rising tide of fascism. This speedball’s for you, Bernie Sanders!

Hüsker Dü Fan Celebrates 10th Anniversary of Never Saying Band Name Out Loud

Posted on by Robert Butler

MINNEAPOLIS — Local Hüsker Dü fan Paul Mallard quietly celebrated the 10-year anniversary of never saying their band name aloud to avoid potential ridicule, confirmed sources who didn’t even know he listened to them.

“In high school, they were one of those bands I’d shy away from. I knew I wasn’t ready to answer the really tough questions. Like, who are you listening to?” recalled Mallard. “In my early 20s I remember going to parties seeing people being mocked for saying ‘Hoo-ska Do.’ Before long I caught myself fully projecting this insecurity and completely humiliating people for saying it like ‘Hesker Due,’ or something close. I didn’t want to be that guy anymore. I decided it was time to grow up and never utter the name of my favorite band of all time. If all goes well I will be taking my fandom to the grave.”

Mallard’s girlfriend Ashley Drake claims secrecy over the band’s name causes strange tension in their relationship.

“I only ever attempted to read the name out loud once myself before he completely shut me down,” said Drake. “I also suggested we just call them ‘The Du’ or ‘that one band’ so we can get past this weird silent treatment. But that idea just upset him. He keeps insisting that I’m not gonna get it, because he doesn’t even get it. I guess I kind of understand. After all, what do those little dots above the letter ‘u’ even mean? No way I’m taking the time to look that up.”

Music critic Tony Pittman believes fans of hard to pronounce band names tend to hide their interest in them.

“In my business, it doesn’t take much for a fan to hide their deepest adoration for a band’s music because of their name,” recalled Pittman. “Sanguisugabogg, Sunn O))), Samhain. Some bands you should never speak of in a social setting. If someone asks you who you listen to, you must hide your voice as much as humanly possible. For instance, while pronouncing Dimmu Borgir, go ahead and fire up a nearby saw or smack a board with a hammer while some sort of noise comes out of his mouth. If that doesn’t work, you can simply show the other person what is playing on your phone screen and make them pronounce it. Just whatever you do, do not say Yngwie Malmsteen out loud.”

At press time, Mallard also quietly celebrated the 15-year anniversary of never saying the name Hoobastank out loud, mainly to avoid having to admit he listens to them.

Kanye Announces New Album “Austrian Art School Dropout”

Posted on by Matt Husser

LOS ANGELES — Kanye West followed up a Nazi-glorifying rant on ‘X’ today by announcing the surprise release of his newest studio album “Austrian Art School Dropout,” sources confirmed.

“’Austrian Art School Dropout’ is a concept album about a misunderstood genius living in Austria in 1907, and the sinister Illuminati forces that conspired to keep him out of art school but ultimately couldn’t keep his greatness down—and that young genius’ name? Yedolf Yitler,” shouted West into a megaphone spinning from a ceiling fan. “I even traveled back in time with the infinite power of my mind to play this album for baby Hitler and he was all ‘goo goo gaga, thank you Ye for sonically hitting me with this supreme knowledge.’ You’re welcome baby Hitler, I love you, I wish I could breastfeed you.”

The new album is supported by guest features ranging from Ted Nugent to rising MAGA rapper Yung Goebbels, but was released to mostly negative reviews that labeled it ‘technically competent’ but ‘kinda full of Nazi shit’.

“The concept album starts off with the forceful ‘Yetzkrieg,’ featuring a driving drum beat cleverly sampled from goose-stepping soldiers at the Nuremberg Rally, before returning back to the main character’s early art school beginnings with ‘Two Words (Mein Kampf)’,” said music critic Nate Kohler. “But by the time you get to ‘Führer Walks’ and ‘New Final Workout Solution’ it gets kind of difficult to separate the art from the genocidal Austrian artist.”

Shadow-President Elon Musk reportedly took issue with Kanye labeling him a ‘bandwagon Nazi’ after discovering a diss track titled ‘When The Berlin Wall Falls Down’.

“As a longtime supporter of Kanye and a defender of his free speech on X I feel completely betrayed that he would call me something as disgusting as a ‘Bandwagon Nazi’ when I have clearly been a fan of Hitler long before it was cool,” said Musk, pointing to the hundreds of hours he sunk into the single-player Nazi campaign in ‘Call of Duty’. “He even started the song with a skit that goes ‘Elon, I’mma let you finish but Hitler had one of the best genocides of all time’ which is so unfair when I’ve only had one month in power and Hitler had a whole decade.”

Shortly after the news broke, Kayne announced his next album would be a synth-fueled neo-nazi concept album, “1488s and Deep States.”

DOGE Teens Use Government Servers To Create Dream Girl

Posted on by Dan Katz

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s team of DOGE teens used their unprecedented access to federal agencies to create their dream girl using the immense computing power of the US government, totally stoked sources confirmed.

“My RTX 4080-equipped laptop is great for playing ‘Path of Exile 2’ and ‘Roblox,’ but we needed a lot more power for this. Thankfully we have the government’s servers at our disposal, and if anyone tells me I can’t use them they will be arrested. This place is fire,” explained 19-year-old Edward “Big Balls” Coristine. “We scanned into the computer everything we could think of to create the perfect woman: pages from ‘Mein Kampf,’ ‘Atlas Shrugged,’ a picture of Kaitlin Bennett. Then we fed in some sheet music from Kanye West and Grimes. Topped off with the collective works of Libs of TikTok, and ‘Rick and Morty’ fan fic. Then my boys and I just wore my younger sister’s bras on our heads, hooked up the leads to Kasumi figurine, and voila, we had a flesh and blood woman we call MaXa.”

Elon Musk expressed his excitement for the beautiful, trad wife his goon squad conjured.

“I’m not, like, just making tech here. This is a super exciting innovation, you know, in the future of companionship. Pushing the boundaries of xAI. I have leveled up MaXa so much in such a short time; with just a little more hardcore grinding, I’ll have her at level 97 within the next couple of weeks,” said Musk while jumping around wildly. “Pretty soon, I’ll be able to put her in real, live sexual situations and see how she reacts. Real sick, demented shit. You’ll love it! Probably leave her breasts as-is, though. Anything bigger than a handful and you’re risking a sprained thumb.”

Not everyone is thrilled about the development, no matter how incredible the creation of a gorgeous, magical woman might be.

“Those teenage Great Gatsby cosplayers just marched into our offices and hijacked our computer systems,” complained US Department of Energy senior analyst Lisa Brockway. “Sorry the Shermer High bullies pantsed you in gym class, but that doesn’t give your statuesque supermodel the right to throw a rager in my office and turn my department head, Mr. Donnelly, into a talking pile of feces. I don’t care if the effects will wear off – they still need to clean up their Capri-Sun garbage.”

At press time, the DOGE crew was helping Donald Trump create his own, real version of his daughter Ivanka, but they forgot to connect the doll, and the electrodes were resting on a copy of the federal tax code.

Child Protective Services Finally Called On the Lady From Megadeth’s “Youthanasia” Album Cover

Posted on by Steve Packosky

GRAND ISLAND, Neb. — Child protective services finally paid a visit to 89-year-old Bertha Gwynne after she had been clipping newborn babies upside-down to a miles-long clothesline in the field behind her house, appalled sources report.

“Frankly, I’m shocked that I got away with it for this long,” Gwynne admitted as she was handcuffed and placed into custody. “I’ve been hanging babies upside down and leaving them exposed to the elements since 1994, and I just now got caught? It’s not even like I was being surreptitious about it, either. I mean, look at my work. This clothesline extends as far as the eye can see. I’m definitely not happy that I got caught, but I guess I can be thankful that I got away with it for so long. I’m going to miss my babies, but I guess everything happens for a reason.”

Child protective services agent Jessica Nantasri was taken aback by the scene she encountered.

“I’ve been working in this agency for 12 years, and I’ve never seen anything this bad,” Nantasri said. “It was just miles and miles of upside-down humans that got progressively older the farther back you went. I consider it a failure on our part that such a horrific crime went unnoticed for so long. I can’t even begin to speculate what her motivation behind this was, much less where she got all these babies. There was also a cat on the clothesline, but that’s not in our jurisdiction, so it’s still just dangling. There are just so many questions I have, so I’m really looking forward to the police questioning Ms. Gwynne.”

Tony Morelock, one of Gwynne’s countless victims, had mixed emotions upon being freed from the clothesline.

“Obviously, I’m happy to no longer be hanging from my toes, but it would be nice if someone had intervened sooner,” Morelock said as he acquainted his body to being upright. “I’m 31 years old now, and there’s so much life that I haven’t had the chance to live because I’ve been suspended in the air like a wet t-shirt since I was born. I’m surprised that I’m even still alive, as I’ve been stuck outside wearing nothing but a diaper for my entire life. It would be one thing if we were somewhere tropical, but we’re in Nebraska, for Christ’s sake. Do you have any idea how windy it gets?”

At press time, Nantasri was so busy with the situation that she was forced to ignore yet another call regarding the monsters from the “Butchered at Birth” album cover.

We Asked Gen Alpha Kids What They Thought Vinyl Records Were for and They Quickly Devolved Into a Feral “Lord of the Flies” Society

Posted on by Dan Rice

It seems the older you get, the faster time moves. It’s amazing how quickly a technology that’s part of our daily lives one minute can become not only obsolete but forgotten. We decided to illustrate this notion by showing a group of Gen A kids some vinyl records and sure enough, they had no idea the discs were used to play music. Unfortunately, we found that while technology comes and goes in the blink of an eye, the darkness at the heart of man remains eternal.

In less than an hour of trying to determine the purpose of records, a sort of group psychosis took hold of the children. Long story short, we are currently trapped in a barricaded office as the children, adorned in war paint and brandishing crudely fashioned weapons, engage in “The Hunt.”

We should not have taken their phones away, that was our first mistake.

At first, examining the records seemed to calm the children, who were pretty anxious from nearly 30 minutes of TikTok withdrawal. They were transfixed by a lot of the artwork. One of them pulled out a copy of The Psychedelic Furs “All of The and Nothing” and said, “I saw this on my Daddy’s screen once but why is it here?” It was about what we expected, but then the children agreed that only the person holding the Psychedelic Furs LP should be allowed to speak. We thought it was pretty cool that they were naturally governing themselves and decided to give them some space for a few minutes. That was our next mistake.

We swear to god we left those little fuckers alone for 5 minutes, 10 max, but when we went back to the room they had transformed. They were wearing war paint and crude skirts fashioned from the office plants. They had torches fashioned from God knows what. The weakest of them, Henry, was being forced to eat looted vending machine candy off the floor for the amusement of the others. It was clearly time to end this little experiment, but before we could give them their phones back their leader, wearing the Psychedelic Furs sleeve on his head like a hat, took notice of our presence, pointed his finger at us, and shouted “BEAST!” That’s when we noticed the spears, and the bloodlust in their once innocent eyes. We got the fuck out of there as fast as we could.

We’re not sure how many they’ve killed, surely there are other groups barricaded in rooms like we are and God willing one or two made it to the elevator and sent for help, but with each passing minute our hopes of rescue become dimmer, and the children’s ingenuity grows. You know in horror movies where a killer kid starts crying and saying they’re sorry and some sap opens the door only for the kid to go ballistic and stab them? We’ve heard three of those play out already.

If you’re reading this for the love of God send help. We’re getting hungry, which means so are they.

Punk’s Work Ethic No Match for His Drinking Ethic

Posted on by Ben Friedman

DULUTH, Minn. — Exasperated coworkers of punk Jimmy Alpin threatened to quit after watching his work ethic repeatedly be eclipsed by his drinking ethic, sources have confirmed.

“The day I say out loud that my passion in life is to process insurance claims is the day you can shoot me. This job is simply to fund my passion project, which is working up a tolerance to drink an entire bottle of Malört in one sitting. If I forget to email my boss about a super important account, it’s not like the sun won’t rise the next day,” said Alpin. “I put a lot of effort into getting my BAC into that sweet spot in order to make this job tolerable, so I don’t appreciate HR’s comments about my priorities being misplaced. Maybe they’re still mad about all those shooters I strategically hid in all the office plants.”

Alpin’s coworkers were growing tired of him placing casual drinking over one solid day of work.

“Jimmy is a nice enough guy but being his desk neighbor is absolute hell. We constantly have to carry his workload because he’s too busy planning the office happy hour guest list with the intensity of a high stakes day trader. I’m doing both our jobs and believe me, I fucking wish I could be sauced right now,” said Craig Abramowitz. “I have no idea how he keeps getting away with it! Four times now he’s gotten drunk at lunch and was reimbursed for it being a business expense. If I wasn’t getting home at 8 pm every night from picking up his slack, his commitment would be impressive.

Human resources noted that Alpin was not the only one who was putting their personal lives above work.

“Well this is partially our fault, because right after we ended the ability to work from home many of our employees came back to the office with some extra ‘skills.’ Jimmy is now one of many professional drinkers here, but it’s not as bad as the IT department starting a ska band. They hold daily practices in the break room and it’s impossible to relax,” said Senior HR Coordinator Janey Lewis. “Plus, I think Jimmy and some others are secretly selling our office furniture on the side. I could’ve sworn we had more desks in here.”

As of press time, Alpin received a promotion after impressively outdrinking the entire executive board at a company retreat.