Confederate LARPer Loser in Real Life Too

Posted on by Vincent J Ives

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Local Confederate LARPer Dale McKagney was known around town as a loser in his everyday life which coincided with his role-playing life, confirmed sources.

“The art of live action role playing requires one to have as few friends as possible in order to have the ample amount of time necessary to practice Civil War battle moves by yourself on a Saturday night,” said the 31-year-old McKagney. “Sure, I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’ve only heard about the concept of sexual intercourse through word of mouth, but that doesn’t mean I can’t adeptly wield my custom musket in a field with a dozen other Stonewall Jackson fans. And yeah, ultimately we lose, but that’s just a technicality. Also, these Confederate Flags I hang in my room are only to help get into character. Not to mention, Robert E. Lee wasn’t as bad as the mainstream media portrays him.”

On the other hand, LARPers of the Union appeared to be anything but losers in their real lives.

“I have a wife, three kids, a paid off home, a job that pays handsomely, and my health. I only do this LARPing thing as a hobby because I’m such a history biff. Some of those Confederate nerds take this way too seriously,” said live action role player Anthony Fleur. “These neck-bearded dweebs like to talk about preserving their culture. If only they invested that same energy in their own personal life. But I guess that’s why the Confederates lost in the first place. Too many deadbeats on their team and not enough Ulysses S. Grants on their side. These guys should try seceding from their parent’s basement once in a while.”

Civil War experts provided some context on these types of LARPers.

“Many losers like to glom onto the Confederacy as a coping mechanism,” said historian Peter Dwellor. “I guess losers just naturally relate to Jefferson Davis. When you’re so used to losing in your own life, you find a lot of comfort in unsuccessful historical figures. It’s like when MAGA people refused to accept that they were losers in the 2020 election. Plus, they are always head to toe in Trump and MAGA merch. Only a complete loser would dress like that.”

At press time, a nearby group of losers were LARPing as Nazi Germany during a World War II reenactment.

Help! Bon Iver Won’t Stop Writing Melancholy Songs About My Small Town’s Relationship Drama!

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I get that everyone else is super excited about Bon Iver’s new album of melancholy love songs, but, buddy, I cannot wait for that creep to get the hell out of Evansville, IN. He milked our town’s relationship drama for a record’s worth of material, and it was exhausting.

When my ex and I broke up in the park, Bon Iver was crouching behind a bush, plucking a guitar, and humming some shit about an astuary king passing through a vertebrae queen without the breeze of love. When he says it like that, the lyrics might as well be, “Jacob Snider is incapable of commitment and will dump you when he gets bored!” What the fuck, man? It was mutual!

And everyone that hangs out at the Peephole is sick of him, too! Bon Iver has been eating fried bologna sandwiches and taking notes in the corner like a fucking psychopath for the last six months. Which also means open mic nights suck now. A Grammy-winning musician wearing a fake mustache over his real mustache basically recites the oral history of our romantic trysts through a vocoder. It’s beautiful and upsetting.

Once, when he went to the bathroom, I looked in his notebook, and that man is unscrupulous. This sad king must be tapping our phones because he’s documented every flirty emoji, late-night DM, and dick pic in Vanderburgh County. I didn’t appreciate accidentally reading who my sister’s been sexting, but it’s nice to know it’s with a decent guy.

And he’s never brought Taylor Swift around—although Aaron Rodgers did come for one horrible weekend. Mr. Football bought a bunch of ditch weed and talked about vaccines with every uncle he saw. It was a boost to the economy, but at what price?

But as embarrassing as it is to have a Shakespearian ghost-lookin’ motherfucker sing about our failed relationships, Evansville should be flattered. Wisconsin could never inspire harrowing songs of emotional disquiet like us. We all knew Justin Vernon would one day be forced to mine Southwest Indiana for its signature ennui.

That said, please don’t come here trying to replicate his success. I hate to admit it, but our dysfunction pairs exceptionally well with Bon Iver’s unique combination of palpable sadness and bespoke instruments.

Battle Rapper Shocked to Learn Mom Slept With So Many of His Competitors

Posted on by Doug Kolic

ATLANTA — Local battle rapper Slim Todd Paulson was apparently surprised that so many of his opponents in a recent competition slept with his mother, according to nearby sources questioning his mental faculties.

“That revelation did throw me off my game a little bit,” admitted Paulson. “When the first guy mentioned her riding his ‘disco stick,’ I thought it must have been a case of mistaken identity because I don’t ever remember her showing interest in going to clubs or drinking Cristal off anyone’s abs like he claimed. But then after the fourth guy dropped a line indicating he also hooked up with her, I knew it had to be more than just a coincidence. She’s a grown woman so she can obviously do whatever she wants, but I feel like she should have at least given me a head’s up. Plus, now I gotta figure out a way to break the news to my dad.”

Competitor Killa Chainz questioned whether Paulson understood the format of the contest.

“This fool for real?” Chainz stated. “Does he not know that we just make shit up about each other as part of this whole thing? Like my dude, nobody here actually knows who your mom is let alone are they sleeping with her. Bless his heart. I don’t think he will last long as a battle rapper, but in the meantime I’m more than happy to continue collecting W’s off of him. Maybe the next time we face off, I’ll put him into a coma by dropping a line about his grandma.”

Professor of Music and Culture Dr. Albert Kenn explained that people trying new hobbies sometimes don’t understand all the nuances involved.

“Many times new participants in rap battles are unprepared for their ferociousness,” said Dr. Kenn. “Roast battles, poetry slams, and even best man speeches can easily give someone a complex if they take them literally. It’s important to understand that the insults that fly are not meant to be taken seriously, but for the uninitiated, they can take years of costly therapy to get over if you believe everything you hear, like a dumbass.”

At press time, Paulson withdrew from the competition and was seen rushing to his accountant’s office after numerous competitors said he was a “broke ass bitch.”

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Desperately Trying To Save Our Sleep Schedules

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

We’ve made it through yet another week with at least some semblance of sanity left. To ensure you burn off that extra little bit while simultaneously reeling with the damage Daylight Savings Time has done to your circadian rhythm, you might want to start listening to some new music. Here are five new tracks our staff has been listening to while grumbling and falling asleep at their desks.

Feeble Little Horse ‘This Is Real’

If you stumbled upon a VHS tape that had been partially eaten by rats, attempted to fix it with glitter glue, and then popped in a barely functioning VCR, you would probably get close to the sound of Feeble Little Horse’s ‘This Is Real.’ That’s a compliment, by the way. The Pittsburgh quartet’s first single since their incredible 2023 debut album cranks their beloved eccentricities up to a thousand, resulting in some of the nastiest shoegaze you’ve heard in your life.

Propagandhi ‘At Peace’

OH SHIT! Propagandhi is back! It’s been eight years since we’ve felt so lectured by a band, and goddamn did we miss it. ‘At Peace,’ the lead single and title track from their forthcoming album, is a blistering and triumphant return for the Canadian punk legends. The riffs are so sharp you’ll feel like you got a papercut from an anti-capitalist pamphlet. Play this one loud while thinking of ways to massively disrupt your local city council meeting.

Stander ‘Exhaustion’

If you’ve been finding yourself awake at 3 a.m., brain buzzing with dread, thinking the only thing that can help you is depressing post-hardcore music, then Stander’s “Exhaustion” is here to validate your worst instincts. It’s a relentless, churning mess of jagged riffs and raw-throated vocals – the perfect soundtrack for pacing around your apartment while your neighbors wonder when you started running an unlicensed fight club. By the end, you’re either cathartically drained or ready to punch through drywall. Either way, progress!

Lauren Mayberry ‘Sorry, Etc. Etc. feat. Joe Talbot’

You wouldn’t think that combining the worlds of CHVRCHES and IDLES would work, considering the only aesthetic similarities between the two are the unnecessary all caps spelling of their names, but yet, here we are. ‘Sorry, Etc. Etc.’ first appeared on Lauren Mayberry’s debut solo album in December, and was selected for a grittier rework after a proposed collaboration with Joe Talbot. It’s a more urgent version of the original, and plays out like a rom-com in which the main characters spend the first half of the movie arguing with each other.

Ty Segall ‘Fantastic Tomb’

Imagine someone remade the movie ‘Speed.’ Instead of having to keep the bus going at 50 mph, though, the protagonist has to keep recording music or an unrelated bus somewhere will explode – the plot isn’t great, but anyway. The star would likely be Ty Segall, who seems incapable of not churning shit out. After releasing two albums last year, he’s back with another: ‘Possession.’ The lead single ‘Fantastic Tomb’ is a ‘70s style doozy, which should surprise no one.

If you’re still looking for a jolt of new music to blast while having no idea what it, like, ‘really even is, man,’ look no further! We’ve compiled all of these and others into a handy playlist so you can be even more sluggish for the next few days. Check it out below:

Democratic Congressman Travels Back in Time to Hold Up Tiny Sign Near Baby Hitler

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BRAUNAU AM INN, Austria — Democratic Congressman David Eastlund of Nevada bent the rules of time and space as we know it to go back in time and hold up a tiny protest sign within the vicinity of Adolph Hitler as a newborn baby, multiple confused sources report.

“I spent hours in my lab and finally created a device that would bring me right to the moment Hitler was born so I could give that baby a piece of my mind and change the course of history,” said Representative Eastlund while enjoying a delicious plate of apple strudel at a quaint Austrian cafe. “I didn’t want to be rude when I arrived at Hitler’s place so I stood in the doorway and held a sign that said ‘Save Medicaid’ as high as I could. I’m pretty sure baby Adolph saw it, but he may have been sleeping. After about 15 seconds a man with a very thick mustache escorted me out of the building, but my message was pretty clear. I’m excited to see how much better the world is once I go back to the present.”

Klara Hitler, the mother of the newborn baby who would grow up to be a genocidal madman, spoke of the incident through a translator.

“I was trying to rest when there was a soft knock on the door. There was a man in strange clothing standing completely silent holding a paddle like he was at the sausage auction. He didn’t say a word, but he seemed quite nervous,” said Mrs. Hitler. “I kept asking if he wanted to come in for some tea but he wouldn’t respond. Eventually my husband had to intervene and ask the man to leave. Strange things keep happening ever since baby Adolph was born, just last night another man with a gun came into our home and threatened to shoot our baby, but he didn’t pull the trigger and then fled through the window.”

Historian Jane Plumber says nothing will change until someone is actually brave enough to commit infanticide.

“It’s clear that time traveling back to April 20, 1889, in Austria is getting easier and easier. But you can’t just go and give baby Hitler a lecture on why genocide is bad. You need to pick the kid up and spike him on the ground like a football,” said Plumber. “And killing the baby isn’t even the worst part, you will most likely get arrested for killing this kid and nobody will actually know you’re a hero to millions. You are just some psycho who turned a healthy baby into a puddle of blood and guts. Unfortunately, that’s the only way to make a difference.”

At press time, Rep. Eastlund returned to 2025 and realized he failed to make a difference, but intends to travel back once again and stand up to baby Hitler by wearing a pink tie.

We Asked AI To Make a Tom Waits Song and It’s Six Minutes of Skeleton Bones Falling Into a Pile

Posted on by Bob Kerr

We’ve listened to a lot of AI-generated songs in our time, and let’s be honest, it’s been laughably bad. To think, we’ve been so worried about AI taking over music! “Ha ha!” We chortled, mocking dumb ol’ AI.

Well, now we’re not laughing, because we asked AI to make up a Tom Waits song and it gave us a six-minute track of skeleton bones falling into a pile. It was so convincing, it made our actual human flesh curdle.

As we continued listening to the melodic clatter of human remains falling on top of more human remains, our boss barged in: “Why the hell are you playing Swordfishtrombones right now? It’s not even noon!” We told him that it was actually AI. “You’re fucking with me.” I slowly showed him my laptop.

His face went pale. “That’s it, then. They’ve done it. This is the beginning of the end.” The hollow click-clack of a skull tumbling over a ribcage punctuated his point.

Just then, we heard a loud clang of a metal trash can falling over in the alleyway. I went to investigate and realized we don’t have a trash can in the alleyway. My blood ran cold. It was the AI-Tom Waits song.

Our intern walked in and started singing: “The Earth died screaming, as I lay dreaming!” Our boss punched him in the mouth.

We heard a frightening mewling of a cat in heat. AI Tom Waits. Chains being dragged across more chains. AI Tom Waits. The sound of a circus tent being erected. AI Tom Waits. Some of us had to leave the room to trauma-vomit.

That night, I went home and curled up in bed. Music was dead. I wanted to be comforted but I didn’t know how. So I asked AI to make a lullaby in the style of Bjork. It started playing seagulls screeching inside a kaleidoscope.

That’s the stuff.

Bruce Springsteen’s Grandkids Exhausted After Lullaby Last Four Hours, Two Encores

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

COLTS NECK, N.J. — The grandchildren of legendary musical artist Bruce Springsteen are reportedly exhausted after being serenaded with a soul-scorching series of lullabies that made them believe in the power of rock and roll but also just want to fucking sleep, confirmed sources.

“I love Grandpa, even though he makes us call him The Boss,” Wendy Springsteen, 7, said while yawning heavily. “He has all these funny stories about growing up in something called ‘The Working Class’ and hanging out with magic rats, but I really hate it when he sings us to bed. Me and my sister Mary and my brother ‘69 Chevy been wanting to sleep for hours now and he brought in some guy who he says is the nephew of a guy who used to play saxophone for him and now there’s another 20 minutes of solos.”

Springsteen himself was ready to keep going between lullaby encores.

“These kids are in for a show,” Springsteen said. “A number like ‘Itsy Bitsy [Spider]’ can’t be summed up in a 15 or 40 minute performance, you know? When people or my own grandchildren sign up for a Springsteen show, they know they’re getting an experience that they’ll remember for a lifetime and I can’t let them down. If I only did one encore during this lullaby, what’s next? A 15-minute set at my nephew’s bris? A half-assed Tom Waits cover during my neighbor’s cousin’s daughter’s junior high school graduation? Rock and roll doesn’t die, no matter how sleepy someone is.”

Behavioral therapist Martha Carter says that the tendency of legacy rockers like Springsteen to keep their progeny up at night is indicative of a troubling trend.

“It is typical for musicians like Mr. Springsteen to feel like they need to perform for hours for paying customers,” said Carter. “And that can bleed over to lullabies, voicemails, even takeout orders. Pearl Jam has been known to do six hour sets to commemorate savings time and Red Hot Chili Peppers once spent two and a half days going ‘ring a ding dingy dang’ when Flea’s niece won a spelling bee. In other words, musicians need to get a fucking grip.”

As of press time, Springsteen’s grandchildren burst into tears as he interrupted a lullaby to introduce a guest performance of “Rock-a-bye-Baby in the Free World” by Neil Young.

Crushing Blow Dealt to Oligarchy as Local Man Creates Bluesky Account

Posted on by Trevor Graham

DULUTH, Minn. — The massive tech billionaire-run oligarchy suffered a devastating blow today as local account coordinator and frisbee golf enthusiast, Michael Murray, created an account on the new social media platform Bluesky, sources who are not even sure where reality ends and nightmares begin anymore confirmed.

“I don’t really want to brag, but yeah, I am proud of myself for doing my part to take down these tech oligarchs who run all of our lives,” said a satisfied Murray. “It’s not every day you get the chance to take on the ruling class and it can be scary to make a change but sometimes you gotta step up and do the right thing. The next thing I had to do after taking a stand is spreading the word so I’ve been posting on Instagram about it all day. The people need to know it’s time to unite and fight back!”

Some who work for Bluesky say that while they certainly appreciate the number of recent new users they do not seem to share the same ideology as to what is fueling the uptick.

“Yes, we are absolutely thrilled that people like Mr. Murray and so many others have recently joined our platform and we look forward to continued growth in market share which Meta and X currently dominate,” said Bluesky executive Dan Smith. “And we will of course continue to be an ad-free, pro-free-speech platform until such time that we want to actually start making money. With the goal of course getting to a Zuckerbergian-level of megalomaniacal billionaire supervillain. That’s the dream we, and everyone who gets into this business, are hoping to achieve.”

Social media historian Kelsey Lambert says that Bluesky currently acquiring large numbers of naive activists is something the industry has seen many times before.

“First of all, can you please not laugh every time I say I am a social media historian? It is a real job. And secondly, the trajectory we are seeing Bluesky on is very similar to other smaller platforms which also ostensibly started with more philanthropic intentions such as Snapchat, TikTok, and even Google Plus,” said Lambert. “The perception of an SM company going from an underdog app for the people to an omniscient Orwellian nightmare happens around the time it actually starts to make a profit. We’ve seen it time and again in the field of social media history. Again, please don’t laugh.”

At press time, Murray said he was going to see the end of the climate crisis by starting to do Meatless Mondays.

If This Applebees Didn’t Want Patrons Hurled Across the Bar, Then They Shouldn’t Have Put “I’m Shipping up to Boston” on Their Touchtunes

Posted on by Laura Lewis

Look, I know I’m not perfect. Me and my boys, we got a reputation for getting a little riled up at times. Maybe we could stand to work on that. But at the end of the day, I can’t change who l am. I’m an Irish catholic gym rat named Mark—one of thousands living in this city—and if Applebees didn’t want all that smoke, then they shouldn’t have Dropkick Murphys’ “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” on their touchtunes.

It all started when I went out looking for some green Michelob Ultra to celebrate St Paddy’s. (Normally, I’d go for a Guinness, but I’m doing a cut right now.) The Applebees was the only place in the area that had what I needed, so since it wasn’t an authentic Irish pub, I took it upon myself to make it feel like one, right?

So I sat down at the u-shaped bar, yeah, and the bartender gave me the lowdown. She gave me a menu and told me about TouchTunes, an app that works like a virtual jukebox. I downloaded the app, and it was wicked easy to find what I was looking for. I mean, there was no Pantera or Trapt on there, which was a red flag, I guess, but there was plenty to choose from that fit the St. Paddy’s theme.

I paid my $1.99, and Applebees took my $1.99, so I should have been able to do what I want with it, right? Plus, I ordered round after round of tater tots and green beer, shouldn’t that count for something? But here I am, sitting on the sidewalk, talking to Boston’s finest. All this because a man was allegedly thrown behind the bar counter, allegedly damaging the entire supply of Tito’s vodka and 2 TVs on Paddy’s weekend. TVs that were showing the Celts game and Boondook Saints, respectively, l might add.

Anyway, so Dropkick plays because I paid an ADDITIONAL $1.99 to skip the line, and my memory’s a little fuzzy from here on, but words were exchanged and honor demanded that another man be lifted bodily and hurled across the bar Roadhouse-style. The bartender called the authorities, and that’s how I ended up here on the sidewalk talking to you fine folks.

By the way, have you seen my thin blue line punisher tattoo? It’s not just a look, it’s a lifestyle. Nothing but respect for my boys in uniform. So you don’t need to keep reminding me that I have the right to remain silent with increasing force. You don’t need to be here at all!

The real enemy here, I think you’ll agree, is this establishment. They dished it out, but they couldn’t take it. Should have called the woke police, am I right? I’ll just be on my way, and I’ll see you all at mass tomorrow.

“These Aren’t Your Dad’s Skinny Jeans” Claims Advertisement That Doesn’t Know What the Fuck It’s Talking About

Posted on by Tim Mehew

NEW YORK — Local ad agency Brunch Menu launched a new advertising campaign that simply read, “These aren’t your dad’s skinny jeans,” confusing every onlooker who was unfortunate to be within eyesight of it, confirmed sources who were less inclined to buy the product after seeing it.

“Skinny jeans are back and they’re not for people who listened to indie sleaze or emo in the mid-2000s who now have three kids and an unsettling inability to change with the times,” said Senior Marketing Coordinator Brad Dudley. “No! You and all your very youthful friends can bask in the unaccommodating rigidity of this new line of skinny jeans from the up-and-coming brand Tarred and Feathered. Sure, your dad might think they’re kind of neat, but we assure you, he is a nerd. His wants, needs, and opinions must be vanquished. Also, it’s not easy to come up with flashy ads nowadays. Unfortunately, we as an industry will never be able to replicate a Jake From State Farm or Geico gecko. Let us have this one.”

Those who noticed the ad didn’t quite understand what it was going for.

“I expect better from an advertisement on the subway platform,” said 19-year-old Lou Dawson. “I mean, I have no idea what they’re trying to convey here. For one, my dad evidently wore JNCOs back in the day, not skinny jeans, and I would kill to own a pair of them. Plus, my dad listens to Alice in Chains, Deftones, and Korn, so he rules. Dad is the best. I exclusively buy pants that my father would’ve worn in the late ‘90s. The bigger, the better. Nice try, advertisement. I find it alarming when an ad aims to separate me from my family.”

Experts noted an unnerving trend in current marketing strategies.

“Ad agencies have been struggling in recent years to get their intended audience to buy the products they’re promoting,” said analyst Dane Brunell. “So they’ve been trying to get more aggressive and downright vicious at times. Anthropologie recently put out an ad that read, ‘These mom jeans ain’t your mom’s jeans. Fuck that bitch.’ Then there was Urban Outfitters whose ad just said, ‘All 38-year-olds must die and go to Hell.’ It wasn’t even promoting a specific product or anything. Dire times we live in.”

At press time, Brunch Menu doubled down on the campaign by putting out a second confusing ad that read, “These aren’t your grandfather’s carabiner keychains.”