Mitch McConnell Settling Into Retirement by Destroying All the Houses Jimmy Carter Built

Posted on by Tom K

FRANKFORT, Ky. — Oft-succumbing and soon-dying United States senator Mitch McConnell revealed his post-political plans of destroying all the houses Jimmy Carter built during his time with Habitat for Humanity, confirmed sources who even spotted him with a gas can and book of matches.

“After spending more years in political office than most people have lived, it’s extremely liberating to just be freely and belligerently destructive at my own pace,” explained McConnell to a slightly disorganized coat rack he mistook for a reporter. “My life and career have been defined by a strong and unwavering opposition to the less fortunate, but up until now it’s all been on paper. I haven’t been able to really roll up my sleeves, put boots on the ground, and just strangle a poor person, ya know? But first, these Carter-shacks gotta go now that he can’t hurt me anymore.”

This interest in demolition is not new, however, as Habitat for Humanity staff have identified numerous past appearances by the senator.

“Yep, he’s been out here quite a few times,” reported the organization’s on-site gerontologist Gerald Wayfeather. “Always coming in after his Sunday mall-walk, right after Mr. Carter used to leave for the weekend. Ol’ Mitchy would run around all day slapping drywall, gnawing on support beams, falling through plate glass windows until he was all tuckered out. Not a care in the world other than blind antagonism, bless his heart.”

Experts often point to passion projects such as these to keep one’s life full of vigor well into old age.

“Retirement should be about rediscovering the roots of your identity,” stated AARP spokesperson Bertram Hannick. “It is important for former lawmakers, jaded by years of political deadlock, to use their newfound independence for becoming the fullest, most unrelentingly primal pieces of shit they couldn’t quite be during their career, though not for a lack of trying. For instance, when Strom Thurmond retired, he would spend his time stealing food from old people who just received a hot dish from Meals on Wheels.”

At press time, McConnell planned to expound on his malevolent personal endeavors in the forthcoming memoir, “Human Impediment: Tales of a Worthless Life, Soon Forgotten.”

New Primary Care Physician? My Roommate Thinks Antibiotics Are a Hoax and Has Tons of Health Podcasts To Show Me

Posted on by Tim Sheard

New insurance means finding a new PCP. Thankfully, my roommate Kaleb took an online holistic sound-bath course and really knows his stuff. He says since I don’t have a doctor, I don’t have to endure their bullshit vaccine lies. I am waking up from a history of deception. In fact, Kaleb’s constant medical advice has me wondering: do I even need a PCP? I have the smartest roommate in Miami-Dade County!

Kaleb has a lot to say about the medical industrial complex. We don’t even have Tylenol or Band-Aids in the apartment. “Skin heals itself, bro. Our ancestors didn’t have soap,” says Kaleb smoking a cig, blistered and barefoot. This is way more chill than heading into some lame clinic. Kaleb doesn’t take insurance, he takes loosies. Kaleb doesn’t give prescriptions, he gives truth.

Over a glass of raw milk, Kaleb explains how we’ve grown into weak medicated betas. He’s kind enough to share his raw meat and wet soil with me. Kaleb fires up desktop clips of RFK Jr. giving health speeches. Boy, I’m lucky to have such smart friends. And this is all super generous of him, especially since his neck is so stiff from the polio, poor guy has difficulty turning his head to comment on bookmarked Rogan videos.

When I take out my phone, he grabs ahold and throws it into our swimming pool. “5G is destroying your semen!” he screams. I have to admit, despite the lack of evidence, he makes a good point. Why haven’t any of these so-called “medical professionals” warned me about the Chinese phone networks depleting my swimmers? I know what those antenna towers are for.

Without my phone I feel naked but safe in Kaleb’s embrace of homespun medical care. We celebrate with an “all-natural” concoction: a blend of cucumber juice, his mother’s breast milk, fermented goat piss and unfiltered pond water. I feel more alive than ever, my head thrumming with a soft buzz. Maybe it’s the water-borne amoeba snacking on my brain. Kaleb says it’s my “thinking lobes” getting bigger.

Unfortunately Kaleb also thinks rent is a hoax, so we’ve had to kick him out. It’s all copacetic: he’s doing van life in the backyard. Can’t lose my doctor! In fact, we have a check-up scheduled later about my measles rash, but Kaleb’s got plenty of carrot juice so I’m feeling confident I can kick this.

Dave Mustaine Urges Trump to Outlaw Bands Firing Their Best Guitarist

Posted on by Ryan Danley

WASHINGTON — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine is petitioning the Trump administration to institute a new law to prevent bands from firing their best guitarist, headbanging onlookers reported.

“I don’t care what anyone says—I’ve seen it happen way too many times, and it’s wrong,” said Mustaine. “Bands kick out the guy who brings the riffs, the soul, and the fire. If you’re the most talented guitarist, not to mention the handsomest, you should be the one in control of your future. It’s like cutting off your right arm for no reason and replacing it with the Exodus guitarist’s arm. I’ve watched it happen with all sorts of bands, like ones where the best guitarist gets the boot because of politics or personality clashes. I’m the one who brings the energy, the riffs that people can’t forget. I don’t care how successful a band is after their best guitarist leaves! I mean at least give them credit for ‘The Four Horseman.’ It’s time for our government to step in!”

President Donald Trump, always quick to align with Mustaine, voiced his full support.

“Dave is a legend, and I’m 100% behind him on this,” Trump said. “Bands can’t just get rid of their highest quality guitarist. That’s just sad. No band ever succeeded without their original lead guitarist—except for maybe a few, but they didn’t have Dave Mustaine. Believe me, I’ll sign an executive order on this. It’s time to protect the great musicians, who were metal guys but now are born again Christians and support MAGA, who’ve been screwed over.”

While the president’s backing has rallied some to Mustaine’s cause, others, like Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, are skeptical.

“Oh great, another law protecting washed-up guitarists from the consequences of their own egos. Maybe we should also ban bands from replacing drummers who ‘find Jesus’ mid-tour, or ban starting a new band because your gooner guitarist spent all the band’s money on OnlyFans,” Ocasio-Cortez added. “I know the cis white guys are feeling sad these days, but are we going to create a whole new level of victimhood for aging rockstars who were disappointed four decades ago? And did any of these guys ever stop to consider that maybe—just maybe—they got fired because their singing sounds like the Cryptkeeper doing karaoke?”

At press time, Mustaine was reportedly drafting a follow-up proposal demanding that all fired guitarists be legally entitled to release an album called “The Real Metallica, Vol. 1.”

Five Songs We Listened To This Week And Accidentally Leaked to The Atlantic

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Hey there! How ya holding up? Can we get you anything? A drink? A full frontal lobotomy? Oh. You’re ‘good’? Fair enough. The least we can do is offer you some comfort in these crazy times, so here are five new songs that made us do that little half smile we do when we’re actively having a panic attack but don’t want to draw attention to it. Enjoy!

PUP ft Jeff Rosenstock ‘Get Dumber’

It should come as no surprise that a Jeff Rosenstock feature on a PUP song goes off like the dirtiest atomic bomb you’ve ever seen. With their forces combined, ‘Get Dumber’ sounds like a gang of gremlins who simultaneously discovered fire and distortion pedals and reacted by bashing through hooks and screaming – trapped in an existential crisis they refuse to solve. It’s loud, it’s reckless, and it actively shaves points off your IQ in the best way possible.

Sum 41 ‘Sleep Now In The Fire – Rage Against The Machine Cover’

Sum 41 have officially left the chat, and decided to leave everyone on read with the most absurd choice of all time. That’s right, they covered Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Sleep Now In The Fire’ (we assume ‘(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)’ was deemed too obvious). It sounds like the feeling of watching your least mechanical friend hot-wire your car: totally unexpected, definitely illegal, but still impressive?

Viagra Boys ‘The Bog Body’

If you were to randomly wake up in a smoked out van barreling into a swamp at top speed, there’s a good chance Viagra Boys latest single ‘The Bog Body’ would be absolutely blasting from the 8-track player. True to the band’s form, their latest single has the swagger of a drunk friend at a house party who just threw up in a fish tank right before suggesting shots. The vocals sound like dropping a lit cigarette in a pint of beer, and don’t even get us started on the guitars. Long live the bog.

St. Vincent ‘DOA’

St. Vincent has contributed a new track to the upcoming horror/comedy movie ‘Death Of a Unicorn.’ Seems the film has a bit of a fantasy element, so there might be a mismatch of tone here. ‘DOA’ sounds like it should be the theme of an ‘80s B-movie in which Annie Clark plays a chain-smoking detective who’s too drunk to function, but still ten steps ahead of the antagonist. Since it’s an A24 film, there’s like a 90% chance we just gave away an integral side plot here, though.

Laura Jane Grace and the Trauma Tropes ‘Mine Me Mine’

Historically, there are two sure signs that spring is officially in the air: taxes are due, and Laura Jane Grace has formally announced her latest band. The latter typically helps soothe the capitalistic dread caused by the former, and the latest track from LJG’s hundredth band, the Trauma Tropes, is no exception. ‘Mine Me Mine’ is a blistering rebuke of the ultra wealthy that will make you want to slam dance while also committing tax fraud.

Even though you’re too modest and polite to say it, we can tell you probably want some more songs. That’s why we took the time to compile these and more into a handy playlist for you. We’re just that selfless. Listen, follow, and escape the dread below:

MAGA Conservatives Unite in Outrage After Woman Makes Valid Point

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHARLESTON, S.C. — MAGA devotees united in shock and outrage in protests across the country after local woman Helen Graves made a valid point regarding the effectiveness of gutting the Department of Veterans Affairs, belligerent and screaming conservatives have confirmed.

“I have never felt so disgusted seeing a woman voice her opinion on a topic I am one hundred percent pretty sure I’m right about. First of all, who the hell let her watch the news and secondly why does she think she’s qualified to bring up denying services to veterans with PTSD which will lead to long term mental health issues?” said demonstrator Alan Munson in the parking lot of what was until recently the local VFW. “We’re here to let her know that if she wants to spread her feminazi ideas about supporting our troops she can just slap a yellow ribbon magnet on her minivan and not make us patriots realize vet care is more nuanced and complicated than DOGE makes it out to be!”

Graves was stunned that her comment sparked a national backlash.

“All I did was respond to some story my uncle reposted on Facebook, pointing out screwing over people who served our country isn’t in everyone’s best interest. That’s it. Three hours later there’s 20,000 death threats in my DMs and protestors outside my house claiming I’m converting kids into militant lesbians in my basement,” said Graves. “I’ve seen other people make the same argument without this much heat, do they really have nothing else to be mad about? Guess I have no choice but to add ‘pointing out the obvious’ to the list of things I’m not allowed to do as a woman.”

Political analysts noted that a negative reaction of this proportion is becoming the norm.

“The number one thing people underestimate about America is how much this country hates women. Yes, progress has been made but look how quickly women’s voices are being eroded the moment it becomes more socially acceptable to be a misogynist dickbag towards women making sense in public,” said analyst Caitlin Bunker. “We’ve seen polls indicating that MAGA men would rather lose their livelihoods and die penniless due to Trump’s policies than heed advice from a person they view as a human incubator. Seriously, it’s that fucked up.”

As of press time, the firestorm around Graves intensified after old social media posts surfaced referencing that Nazis were the bad guys in World War II.

Absolutely Devastating: The Old Man in This ‘80s Movie Is Like 35

Posted on by Dan Rice

I just had the most horrible experience. There I was, minding my own business, watching “My Dinner With Andre” so that I could mention watching it to people in passing and they’ll think I’m better than them. All of a sudden out of nowhere Wallace Shawn, who we can all agree has always been incredibly old, casually offers up that in that movie, he is 35 years old.

That’s. Not. possible. I’m 36!

At first, I thought “What an odd choice to make the character so much younger than the actor, especially when he’s playing himself” but I looked it up, and sonofabitch he was right!

It’s a real headscratcher because both the character and the man playing him are actually younger than I am, and yet Wallace Shawn is very, very much an adult in this film. This has to be a glitch in the matrix or something right? Wallace Shawn can’t be 35 in this movie because I’m already 36, and I’m still in my twenties! Wait. Oh. I never said that out loud before. Hmm.

I’m not old! This doesn’t make any sense! When I look at myself in the mirror I don’t look like Wallace fucking Shawn, I look like me! Only older! Oh. Fuck.

Hang on… am I old? Is this how I find out I’m old now? Am I supposed to be bald and own sweaters and shit? Am I supposed to sit at fancy restaurants listening to guys like André Gregory vamp poetic about theater and existentialism and like, not really get it all but deep down desperately want to, or whatever the fuck?

Wait, does that mean this is how my life turned out? This is me, fully formed? That sucks! I know 20 years is a long time to work at a bookstore, but in the back of my head I always still assumed I would grow up to be something cool, like a famous artist or a spy! Can I still be a spy? Let’s see, googling Sean Connery + James Bond + age and… 33?! James Bond was thirty fucking three?! Oh my God… it’s over!

Wait… hang on. Yeah. Okay. I just remembered. I’m actually 39.

Pinback’s “Penelope” Nominated for “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” for 24th Year in a Row

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN DIEGO — Members of the indie rock group Pinback celebrated after their song “Penelope” was once again named the “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” by the American Fishkeepers Federation, excited sources confirmed.

“Ecstatic is an understatement. I can’t believe we pulled it off again this year, but it turns out not a single other band on the planet is focusing their creative energy towards songs about goldfish. I’m running out of room in my trophy case,” said Armistead Burwell Smith IV, who briefly owned a goldfish named Penelope who inspired the song. “I remember the exact day we came up with the song. It was September 12th, 2001. The Twin Towers had just collapsed, America was on edge, and nobody knew what would happen next. That’s when I looked at my fishbowl and saw Penelope floating there, and I knew at that moment this was an even greater tragedy that we had to write about.”

Ted Rouse, the Director of the American Fishkeepers Federation, said the Pinback song is a valuable tool for goldfish owners.

“Dropsy is no laughing matter. Educating fish owners about this terrible affliction is the best way to keep tanks clean and fish healthy,” said Rouse. “‘Penelope’ is a tragic song about a fish cut down in its prime. Just thinking about poor Penelope makes me tear up a little. But thankfully she did not die in vain. It’s impossible to calculate how many goldfish have been saved because of that song, but I’d estimate it’s at least two dozen. I’ve been trying to convince the band to write a follow-up song that addresses polycystic kidney disease and they keep telling me they are working on it. I’ve been waiting 15 years already so I assume the song is going to be amazing once it’s done.”

Petco CEO Joel D. Anderson admits he has been trying to erase “Penelope” from streaming services.

“This song cuts into our bottom line. We don’t want fish owners to know about common afflictions that befall fish. We want them to buy fish, have them die, and then buy more fish. It might sound heartless, but that’s capitalism for you,” said Anderson while tapping on the glass of a fish tank with his pen. “I’ve lobbied Spotify and YouTube to get the song removed. I’ve bought up old copies of ‘Blue Screen Life’ and burnt them in a trash can in my backyard. Once ‘Penelope’ is gone then I expect Petco profits to skyrocket.”

At press time, Pinback hopes to piggyback off the success of “Penelope” by writing a song about a Red-Eyed Crocodile Skink a family friend received as a birthday gift.

Photo by Mackenzie Kosut

Producers of “Love Island” Announce Punk Spin-Off “Promiscuous Warehouse”

Posted on by Nick Conway

LOS ANGELES — The producers of the hit reality dating show “Love Island” announced a punk spin-off titled “Promiscuous Warehouse,” confirmed sources.

“Mario Lopez’s assistant and Jeff Probst’s stunt double will host the 78-episode season,” said producer Cheryl Lacy while casting solely based on how dirty peoples’ fingernails were. “We’ll have our contestants work 12-hour shifts six days a week in a dinghy warehouse where they can commingle, flirt, and make out in the utility closet if they advance to the next rounds. They will participate in physical challenges like lifting 30 pounds, standing on their feet for several minutes, and holding in their urine for eight hours at a time. Each week a couple will be laid off via internal deliberation process. The one couple left standing will get married and promptly have the marriage annulled 48 hours later after one of them is caught cheating with a former contestant. Just like in a real warehouse, we think.”

Fans of “Love Island” couldn’t be more excited for the new companion show.

“I cannot wait to binge watch this one during my nightly bed rotting sessions,” said reality TV fan Blaine Howard. “Shows like this are amazing because I get to see what it’s like to sleep around while working in a stockroom. That’s exactly why I like ‘The Great British Bake Off.’ I get to see what it’s like for pastry chefs to do hand stuff in the back of a bakery. Very enjoyable watch.”

Experts believe we may be nearing the end of this type of entertainment media format as a whole.

“Reality shows are clearly running out of ideas, so they’re trying to set dating plot lines in curious places,” said pop culture blogger Jessie Jimenez. “We’ve seen bizarre shows like that one called ‘Laying Pipe’ that combined ‘Love Is Blind’ with plumbing where contestants were forced to get to know each other while installing toilets blindfolded. Then there was that one called ‘Change My Oil’ that took ‘The Bachelor’ format and set it in a Jiffy Lube. Contestants had to find love while figuring out why check battery lights suddenly switched on. Let’s just say dating shows are cooked.”

At press time, “Promiscuous Warehouse” was picked up for a second season after realizing warehouse workers were far hornier than initially anticipated.

Random Act of Kindness: The US Just Surprised Israel With A Larger Than Normal Arms Shipment!

Posted on by Amir Adan

Just when you thought international relations couldn’t get any sweeter, we’ve got a story of one long-term pals really showing up for another—the US and Israel! And it looks to me like the US State Department’s love language is giving gifts because we just surprised our closest ally in the Middle East with a shipment of arms double the size of what they asked for! So cool! I couldn’t possibly think of a better use of our money than helping out such a good and reliable friend like Israel.

If we know one thing, it’s that Israel is short on weapons, so it’s incredible that we could really show up for them in this time of need. As the richest nation in the entire history of the world, I can’t imagine a situation where we don’t help another nation out with its weapon stockpile. I mean, they’re using them so fast and so often! Our government would really hate to see their stash get too depleted, that’s why it’s so cool that this is something seemingly everyone in Congress can all agree on!

Of course, a cynic might look at this and caution that the bipartisan US foreign policy apparatus is only serving to enable a genocidal, fascist ethnostate to annihilate a civilian population—nearly 70% of which have been women and children since October 2023—to make room for more illegal settlement on stolen land, or that this entire house of cards that is the apartheid state of Israel is unviable because their society seemingly doesn’t even have the ability to reproduce itself in the long term due to deep internal tensions between the needs of the state’s Zionist military-industrial complex and the convisions of their fastest growing population, Haredi Jews, and that these massive outbursts of violence against Palestinians seek to only distract from their unstable foundation at the cost of countless lives, but as a counterpoint, where else are our military and defence contracting industries going to learn how to exercise even more brutality than they already do when the weapons get turned on us as our very own society starts to crumble thanks to a growing fascist movement that is seemingly entirely unchecked and cosigned by the entire ruling class??

If you ask me, nothing screams friendship on the international stage much like two countries raining unchecked horrors and death upon an entirely innocent group of people. It’s just such a huge relief that we’re the good guys in this situation and that nobody is doing anything to stop it!

Aging Beastie Boys Fan Fighting for His Right To Have CPAP Machine Covered by Insurance

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

NEW YORK – Nearly-retired Beastie Boys fan Seth Duffy is currently fighting for his right to get a CPAP machine declared medically necessary by health insurance megacorporation Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield, sources confirmed.

“When my doctor said I gotta pay outta pocket for some funky sleep hookah so I don’t die of snorin’, I was like, ‘LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT!’ I don’t got that kinda loot! So me, my horsie, and a quart of beer are gonna have-ta stick up a Fifth Third Bank to afford it,” Duffy shouted while slapping bongos in the waiting room of a sleep disorder clinic. “I’m in the prime of my late 50s! I should be out there mackin’ on girlies and drinkin’ brews! Besides, I’m still makin’ layaway payments on the ‘Paul’s Boutique’ anniversary edition, so I’m not in a position to absorb unexpected medical bills.”

When questioned about his roommate’s sleep apnea, Jason “J-Rock” Jacobs took a bong rip and laughed at a poster on the opposite wall.

“This whole CRAB machine changed Seth. We used to party after a hard day of gettin’ people to sign our petition to free Tibet. Now, he stops breathing in his sleep several times an hour,” Jacobs grumbled while lighting a stick of Nag Champa. “I’m usually a pacifist, but maybe Luigi Mangione had the right idea. If those insurance companies are so rich, why aren’t they payin’ for Seth’s thing? And while they’re at it, they should pick up our tab from Scores Gentlemen’s Club, too. I’ve never had insurance, but I’m sure Anthem is good for a couple-a ten, twelve trips to the boom-boom room.”

When asked about Duffy’s claim, pro-bono lawyer Jamie Johnson rolled her eyes and pulled out a large, marijuana-scented case file.

“My client may be living in 1996, but that doesn’t mean Anthem can deny the CPAP machine Mr. Duffy recently purchased at an army surplus store. Sure, Mr. Duffy’s voicemail is full, he doesn’t reply to emails sent to illcommunication69@hotmail.com, and every medical form is covered in Funyun dust,” Ms. Johnson said while sanitizing the folder. “But Anthem is legally-bound to cover $39.67 of the $112.32 he spent at Ralph’s Military Surplus and Smoke Shop for medical expenses. I believe the company is discriminating against my client because his name is legally spelled in bubble graffiti letters.”

At press time, Mr. Duffy is also involved in a separate fight for his right to be prescribed mushrooms and free tickets to Bonaroo with his general practitioner.