Aging Rock Band Enters Their Touring with a Full Orchestra Phase

Posted on by Mike Maher

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Veteran rock mainstays Ironsides officially entered the phase of their career where they tour with an orchestra, unenthused sources who hoped this day would never come confirmed.

“For years we just played the same exact setlist every night,” Ironsides singer Gary Mann said while rippin’ a Zyn. “But now we’ve totally switched things up and play the same exact setlist every night with a 100-piece orchestra! The response so far has been super responsive. Honestly, I didn’t know a lick of classical music until this tour, and man, these cats can jam! They got violins. Harps. Pan flutes. Some big honkin’ horns. You haven’t heard our classic ‘Wet Humpin’’ until you’ve heard it with a gong solo. This is some classy shit. That’s why tickets start at $300. And it’s a black-tie event. In fact, a black tie is literally all I wear on stage. There’s also intermission. And cheese.”

Klaus Hasselhoff, conductor with the Jacksonville Philharmonic, detailed how the unlikely collaboration came to fruition.

“I have never listened to Ironsides,” Hasselhoff admitted. “I don’t even listen to Ironsides when we perform. I listen to audiobook in my earbud, and just wave my baton as the orchestra plays whatever they feel like. No one notices. All these cretin fans want are tits and riffs. They are simple and unschooled. Musically, it is a disaster. Sexually, it is a revelation. Do you know how much…how do you say it in American…bomb-ass pussy I’ve gotten on this tour? And blow?! It almost make this whole thing worth the career suicide.”

Freelance music preservationist Niles Pridgen offered a biased yet bullseye take on the trend of rock bands touring with orchestras.

”No one asked for this. Not rock fans, not classical fans,” Pridgen said. “I’d say this is just a cash grab but judging from the low ticket sales, bloated production budget, and the fact that Ironsides and the Jack-Phil are sharing one U-Haul together, this is an absolute financial fuckshow and a cautionary tale of what not to do with musical instruments. I’d honestly rather listen to hick-hop or that Lou Reed Metallica album than this cock opera.”

At press time, Ironsides fired the orchestra and pawned all their gear to recoup financial losses, but continued the tour performing acapella versions of their songs.

Trump Calls in National Guard to Get Washington Under Control After Watching YouTube Video of January 6th

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump took control of the police in Washington, D.C. and deployed the National Guard to crack down on rampant crime and destruction after accidentally watching a 30-second YouTube clip of the January 6th riots he provoked, sources confirmed.

“This once great city that was built on the world’s most beautiful swamp is being destroyed by a horde of bearded, tubby, radical left lunatics with ill-fitting pants. Just today I watched news footage of the gorgeous Capitol Building being destroyed by these Antifa thugs sent from New York by Mamdani, who we are going to deport by the way. No way that guy is staying here, he’s gone,” said Trump from his underground bunker. “That is why today I’m calling up the National Guard to come in and restore order. Everyone in the National Guard has been begging me to let them loose, they call me up they say ‘Mr. Trump, Biden ruined this city, it’s a mess. Dogs are peeing on trees, I saw someone littering, please let us beat people up.’ Attorney General Pam Bondi, she’s great isn’t she folks? And look at those legs, they go all the way up to heaven and beyond, and she’s got a brain to match, she’s going to lead the crack down and we know she’s going to do a great job.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt explained more of the President’s logic.

“Mainstream media outlets are reporting that crime is down in the city, and that might be true statistically, but you have to remember that in 2021 there were hundreds of crimes on one single day and that is going to skew the numbers. So if you throw out the January stats, and then throw out all the other stats from the past 10 years, and then go by the numbers we just made up, you can clearly see crime is out of control,” said Leavitt. “The President says this is just a temporary measure, and once every citizen of this city agress to comply with everything the President wants then we can return to normalcy. But we just want to make it clear that any protesting, filming of police, or even if you look at a cop funny, will result in you being sent to a black site with no due process.”

Historians across the country are sending up warning signs about Trump’s actions.

“Oh yeah this is fucking bad. We’ve seen this so many times in banana republics across the globe. It’s only a matter of time before they round up me and my colleagues and summarily execute us for spreading knowledge,” said Stanford History Professor Edward Calder. “I don’t think I’ll be sticking around here. I’ve saved up some money, I’m going to buy a shack in the northern woods of Norway and try to live out the rest of my days in peace. I wish all the other Americans the best of luck, but you’re fucked.”

At press time, Congressional Democrats are deciding to fight back by doubling the amount of fundraising emails they send to constituents.

Woman Only Dating Man for His Intelligence, Personality, Depth of Character

Posted on by Malia Simon

HOUSTON — Local woman Charlotte Kissinger is reportedly only dating boyfriend Matt Bower for the truest contents of his character, sources speculated.

“I can’t help but worry Matt is being used,” said Bower’s childhood best friend Jack Bucknell. “Charlotte loves him and all, but sometimes it seems like she’s only dating him for his wit, wisdom, goodness of heart, and quality of mind. Like she has some sort of kindness fetish. You know, Matt also has abs and money. He’s pretty good at tennis. He had on some pretty cool slides yesterday, and it was like she didn’t even notice.”

Bower’s father reported concerns for his son’s stability in the relationship.

“Sure, Charlotte loves him now, but what happens when a man gets a little older?” said Henry Bower. “I’ve seen it happen before. How do we know she’s not gonna just up and leave him for someone who’s more honest, more kind? More willing to give her the love that she deserves? Seems a little dicey to me. If I know my son, I know there is a lot more to him than that. For instance, he’s tall, never had a cavity, and once hit three home runs in a single game in his amateur baseball league.”

Princeton Sociology professor Mark Davis confirmed the tendency for women to choose partners based on such traits is a heavily-studied phenomenon.

“It’s a real conundrum,” said Davis. “While men tend to choose mates based on things like hair color, weight, and an internal evaluating system which scientists call ‘ugly or not ugly,’ women choose mates based on whether or not they like the guy as a person. Huh? I think I speak for all scientists when I say: we don’t really get it. We’ve theorized that maybe the female species has her own internal evaluating system, like ‘ugly not ugly,’ but for souls and depth of character. But that’s just a guess. At the end of the day, this may go down as one of the most widely confusing phenomena in science, right alongside my wife regaining interest in sex with me after I stopped yelling at waitstaff.”

At press time, Kissinger was seen refusing to put aside her all-loving and patient gaze as Bower attempted to show her his layup.

Looking on the Bright Side: Here Are Five Times Vince Neil Was Able To Drive to the Liquor Store Without Killing Anyone

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Mötley Crüe frontman Vince Neil definitely has a troubled history with driving. He came under fire in late 1984 for an incident in which he drunkenly lost control of his car while partying with members of Finnish band Hanoi Rocks, killing their drummer and seriously injuring two occupants in another vehicle. While Neil was ultimately punished for this transgression with a grueling two weeks in jail, we think the lifetime damage to his reputation has been a much more profound miscarriage of justice. What about all the times he made it to his destination without racking up a bodycount? As such, here are five times he was able to drive to the liquor store without killing anyone.

January 14th, 1984
Look at this! Neil, although still unspeakably intoxicated, managed to drive the three blocks from his LA mansion for a new bottle of top-shelf tequila without leaving any corpses on the road. Try telling that to the bloodthirsty media, though. They’re still too busy focusing on that vehicular manslaughter conviction he racked up later that year, as if they themselves have never made a mistake.

July 16th, 1984
What’s this? He’s perusing the aisles of his local Wine & Spirits, and his De Tomaso Pantera is sitting in the parking lot without so much as a human-sized dent? Imagine that! It’s too bad we live in such a depraved society, otherwise this would be among the most notable life events on his Wikipedia page.

December 3rd, 1983
Did the booze and sex-addled hair metal vocalist make it to the liquor store on this day? Technically, he did. Did he happen to sideswipe a parked Porsche 959 in Beverly Hills on the way? Yes, he did that as well, and without stopping to so much as leave a note. Look, we’re not writing this list to outline his exceptional driving prowess. We’re just saying he didn’t kill anyone during this trip.

August 9th, 1982
To be fair, that goldendoodle ran in front of Vince’s car, and in his defense, he tried to swerve out of its way, albeit in an extremely delayed and sluggish manner, before resuming his drive to the Martinez Beverage Center. We’ll use this example as an opportunity to clarify that by “anyone” in the title, we’re talking about humans. That poor dog, as well as the sobbing, but very much alive, six-year-old child he left in his wake, do not count.

December 04, 1984
You go, Vince! Nevermind what transpired a mere four days after this; it’s what happens in the moment that counts! You may be piss drunk on a Tuesday afternoon, arguing with the M&K Wine and Spirits clerk who says he’s legally not allowed to sell you this bottle of Wild Turkey, but you made it here without any blood on your hands. Today is your day!

Nostalgic Glenn Danzig Rekindles Old Lawsuits

Posted on by Brett Olsen

LODI, N.J. — Famous singer and mildly renowned film director Glenn Danzig felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him when he spontaneously decided it was time to once again sue the rest of the band, confirmed sources.

“I’ve known these knuckle-heads for more than half my life, and let me tell you—life was simpler back then when I had my lawyer on speed dial,” a reminiscent Danzig chuckled while refilling his iced tea. “Kids these days just want to hear songs about hellish whorehouses, infant mortality, or alien transmogrification. It’s exhausting, albeit profitable. Misfits aren’t just some spooky band—we’re a family, a family that peddles merchandise, and I deserve a bigger cut, quite frankly. Our legacy would be nothing without our deep-rooted history in litigation, and I’m excited to rekindle that flame and remind people that even us old-timers still got that New Jersey judicial system spunk in us.”

Distraught Misfits’ bassist Jerry Only spiraled as he reflected on recent events.

“I thought he got this out of his system, but I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible. Danzig’s generation never really learned how to communicate their feelings effectively, but this was something we had come to terms with before getting the band back together,” said Only, who is four years younger than Danzig. “The burden has always been on us to decipher his body language. I should have known he was irritable when he referred to Doyle as ‘Temu Frankenstein,’ but I pushed my luck regardless by asking if we could cover ‘Monster Mash’ live just one time. God, how could I have been so stupid?!”

Judge Gary Klausner, who previously dismissed multiple Danzig lawsuits, was noticeably cranky when he heard the news.

“Those New Jersey hooligans are bickering again?” Judge Klausner barked incredulously. “Let me guess—Danzig’s back, trying to sue the Presley estate because it was Elvis who somehow ripped him off? Or is this about the hotdog allegations? Kitty litter royalties? Oh, wait! It’s the one where he thinks he deserves more pie because he had the genius idea of tracing a skeleton in the ‘70s? What was it again? ‘The Fiendish Skull?’ Blah! None of this is about music—it’s satanic phooey!”

At press time, Danzig had a eureka moment and was feverishly searching to see if any members of Samhain were still alive and liable.

Fox News and CNN Vow to Keep Their Journalists Safe By Never Reporting Anything About Israel

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Executives at top corporate media properties Fox News and CNN promised that all of their journalists will remain safe from targeted assassinations by the IDF by continuing to not report any of the news coming out of Palestine, sources confirmed.

“Fox News has proudly kept its journalism ‘America First’ for the last two decades. We don’t care what is happening in the rest of the world, our reporters are on the ground here in America finding proof that Obama is a Kenyan nationalist who colluded with Russia to discredit President Trump’s win in 2016,” said Fox News Media spokesperson Erol Hanley. “The American people don’t need to know about what Israel is up to. Our viewers are more interested in how President Trump is doing a perfect job, and if anything bad happens, it’s because Joe Biden and the radical left fringe in Washington are creating Antifa super soldiers who are going to invade your town and kidnap your children.”

CNN representatives had similar reasoning for not making reporting on Israel’s war crimes a priority.

“We have heard that the entire Al Jazeera journalism team was killed in Israel, and as sad as that is, we cannot be certain that the bullets that entered their bodies came from Israeli forces. For all we know, they could have had all those bullets in them for months, and they just happened to explode in their bodies all at once. We don’t actually know how bullets and guns work,” said CNN executive Lynn Fleming. “We’ve talked with the IDF media relations team and they assure us that not a single person has died in Gaza for the last 18 months, and we simply have to take their word for it. They have no reason to lie.”

Independent media analyst Carla Flores says this is all part of a plan to make Americans blind to the atrocities happening in Gaza.

“People love to imagine scenarios of what they would do if they were alive when Hitler was perpetrating a genocide, but now one is happening in real time and most people have no idea,” said Flores. “The top news outlets are more interested in ratings and partisan political talking heads endlessly debating nonsense that doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Over 200 Palestinian journalists have been killed in Gaza during the Israeli occupation. These war crimes continue to be ignored because the American media system is bought and sold and only exists to sell you more pharmaceuticals to fix your chronically dry penis or some stupid shit.”

At press time, The New York Times publishes a new editorial from Benjamin Netanyahu titled “You Would Have to Be A Dumbass to Call this a Genocide.”

Scientists Warn Flushing Unused Meds May Lead to Fish Losing Creativity and Ability to Get Hard

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

SALEM, Ore. — Local scientists at the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife (ODFW) warned this week that flushing unused and expired SSRIs, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-psychotics may lead to a serious crisis in the creativity and sexual potency in marine life, confirmed sources.

“We’ve all seen ‘Finding Nemo.’ Now picture that movie with less fish boners. That’s what we’re dealing with here,” said Dr. Mariclare Berendo of the ODFW. “All drains lead to the ocean and flushing unused head-meds really robs the fish population of their creative spark. They can’t make their little fish music. They can’t paint their little fishy paintings. They can’t tell their little fishy stand-up jokes. All they do is go through long bouts of depression where they can’t seem to get themselves out of their coral reefs in the morning. Plus, at night, their eyes roll around in their heads, which is real weird.”

While Dr. Berendo provided no explanation as to how fish could paint before, this news has nevertheless been a shock to locals.

“Look, family court made me go on meds to see my kids,” said Kyle Wendice. “Something about my clinical paranoia and constant mood-swings didn’t gel with the judge for a safe upbringing. But I don’t take that shit. It all goes straight from the pharmacy into the toilet. I always assumed it would be no trouble to flush the meds. After all, I flush most of my garbage and recyclables down the john. But now I know I’d be better off taking those expired meds myself.”

This has come as a surprise to local fish merchants as well, such as Daniel McGuirken, head fish-monger of Beaver State Seafood Market.

“It ain’t what it used to be,” said McGuirken. “Used to be they’d haul in the catch of the day with bloodshot eyes and huge, swollen cloacas, stuck out like any man’s rosy pecker. Boy, you’d never seen randier fish. We’d have to chop ‘em right off before we’d show ‘em to people or the city’d come down on us. Nowadays, I bet most of you’ve never even seen a fish’s massive hard-on. It’s a travesty.”

At press time, scientists at the ODFW were preparing final edits on a new study on the effects of over the counter pain killers on the state’s massive beaver population.

As the Proud Owner of a $3,200 St. Vincent Signature Guitar, I Think I Know a Thing or Two About Feminism

Posted on by John Danek

My life’s march towards being the male embodiment of fourth-wave feminism began the moment I was born. I opened my placenta-soaked eyes, looked up at my mother, and thought “Wow, we truly are equal.” And that journey culminates today with my purchase of a brand new Ernie Ball Music Man St. Vincent Goldie Signature 6-string electric guitar in a Velveteen finish with 3 gold-foil mini humbuckers and whammy bar.

I no longer have to couch my verifiably correct opinions with “Look, I know I’m a dude and this isn’t necessarily my place to speak,” or some bullshit like that. I can just launch right into it. Why? Because I am literally financially supporting women in one of the most expensive ways possible. Just peep my phone background of the guitar being held up against the sky. So yes, I think I know how to represent women and their needs.

I bought the guitar this morning. As I waited in Guitar Center for them to fetch me an untouched model from the back of the store, I pulled bell hooks’ “Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center” out of my backpack, which I’ve been reading for the last 6 years or so. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from her, it’s that capital letters are the patriarchal devil made flesh. so fuck you, mr. grammar man. i am not using any in the rest of this article.

the guitar center employee finally returned, rang me up at the register, and said “dude, this is a sick guitar.” i responded with a curt “dude? women can play guitar too,” then looked around the room for a woman to make knowing eye contact with and eventually start talking to. alas, there were none. the patriarchy strikes again.

feminism only has a chance if we are honest with ourselves. and in the nature of pure honesty, i am going to be fully transparent. tax was an additional 312 dollars. so i need you to understand that i actually spent $3,512 on this piece of women’s herstory.

for anyone saying that feminism isn’t measured by the amount of money you spend and that you could have gotten the sterling model for a fraction of the price, i think you should susan b. minding your own business. now excuse me while i go make some pinch harmonics that are so nasty, they shatter glass ceilings.

Crust Punk Worried His Drugs Aren’t Laced

Posted on by Dom Turek

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local crustie Hank “Spew” Collins was shocked and appalled to discover the cocaine he’d been snorting all night and well into the next afternoon wasn’t laced with a single additive, reports confirmed.

“I got ripped off,” said Collins. “To think I panhandled and stole money to afford drugs, only to discover they weren’t cut with meth or even a common household cleaner, is honestly embarrassing. I knew something was off when I didn’t feel the intense urge to cover my windows with newspapers or accuse my friends of plotting to murder me. You have to be really careful about who you get your drugs from these days.”

Unlaced narcotics are causing noticeable apprehension in some drug-addled communities, but users maintain the trick to finding good drugs is to get them from someone you don’t know and don’t trust.

“My product is totally and completely impure, guaranteed,” said Chris Atkins, a small-time drug dealer for the lower Ogden area. “Scouts honor. If anyone says otherwise, they’re either lying or died immediately after buying drugs from me. If you’re looking for safe, reliable drugs, go to a hospital or Lollapalooza. When people snort or shoot my stuff, I want their first reaction to be, ‘Ow, was there glass in that?’”

Despite the stigma associated with hard drug use, experts say the availability of laced drugs and the demand for them are signs of an ailing society.

“Back in my day, if you wanted to see God, you had to chug a gallon of orange juice and use a pipette to mainline LSD straight into your eyeballs,” said Ruth Jett, recovering addict and founder of the sober living facility, Freedom House. “Now, you do one bump of coke at a Sabrina Carpenter concert, and ‘Espresso’ could be the last song you ever hear. Having to numb out on a budget so badly that death no longer scares you indicates a nationwide dissatisfaction with our standard of living, but the blame will likely be pinned on rap music or drag queens.”

During press time, Collins was seen beating the piss out of his drug dealer for selling him heroin that had no fentanyl in it.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Desperately Waiting For The Interstellar Probe To Take Us All

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

There’s a new kid in town. 3I/ATLAS – an interstellar object that many ‘scientists’ are calling a ‘comet’ – has just recently entered our galactic backyard. At least one person is already raising the alarm that it’s most likely a malicious alien probe sent to doom humanity, to which we say: ‘about damn time.’ According to this lone report, we’ve got just over two months to enjoy the spoils of Earth before the stock market crashes, money is irrelevant, and we welcome our alien overlords to a new era of humanity. Here are six songs we’re listening to this week to help ease the wait.

AFI ‘Behind the Clock’

If you’ve seen a photo of Davey Havok’s illustrious new mustache and mullet combo, you’d think AFI were prepping the soundtrack for the next season of Monster Jam. As glorious as that sounds, the goth-punk legends are digging their heels into – you guessed it – more goth music. ‘Behind the Clock’ is the first single from the band’s forthcoming album ‘Silver Bleeds the Black Sun’ and it’s sure to have you dancing under a bridge with a bunch of weirdos in no time.

Algernon Cadwallader ‘Hawk’

Legendary emo-revivalists Algernon Cadwallader had already stunned fans enough: first when they announced a slew of reissues, then with a month-long reunion tour a couple of years later. It would be greedy to expect a new album from the Philly legends, but they’re doing it anyway. ‘Trying Not To Have A Thought’ will be the band’s first album in 14 years. The lead single ‘Hawk’ makes that long stretch feel more like a blink of an eye, and finds the group having not skipped a single beat if you don’t count all the time signature changes.
Trying Not to Have a Thought by Algernon Cadwallader

Deftones ‘milk of the madonna’

All legendary bands find themselves the victims of product placement at one point or another. It’s just an inevitability. The latest in a long line of mighty who have bent the knee to corporate interests is unfortunately, Deftones. Their latest, ‘milk of the madonna,’ is nothing short of a blatant advertisement for Madonna’s new health product line ‘Madonna Milk.’ While they do their best to hide this opaque cash grab with brilliant guitar work and vague lyricism, we at the Hard Times know the truth. Killer song though.

Snõõper ‘Worldwide’

Snõõper, a band whose genre can only be described as ‘short-circuiting Devo,’ is back with their latest single ‘Worldwide.’ It’s a psychotic romp that maintains the band’s signature deranged sound that has contributed to their status as one of the most exciting new voices in punk. This song will have you asking the big questions like: ‘Are my speakers broken?’ and ‘Is it supposed to be this tempo?’ Their new album ‘Worldwide’ will be crashing into your stereo or headphones in October so you still have time to figure out your jerky dance moves.
Worldwide by Snooper

Brian Damage ‘King Of The Opera’

Midwestern power-pop freaks, Brian Damage, just released their fourth album ‘All Hell Broke Loose’ via Anyway Records. It’s a pandemic driven DIY masterpiece that will have you wondering how it’s possible to have so much fun while hearing so many horrifying synth sounds and chord changes. That’s a compliment for those wondering. If you’ve been itching for an album that sounds like The Rentals desperately trying to break their contract as Hell’s house band, this one is for you.
All Hell Broke Loose by Brian Damage

OSEES ‘Abomination’

Can someone do a wellness check on Jon Dwyer? We’ve reported on this before, but there’s no way a healthy individual can be making this much goddamn music constantly. Our only hopeful guess is that he’s some sort of half-man, half-cyborg, half-Casio-keyboard-demo type deal. We understand no one can be three halves, but we have to believe Jon Dwyer is capable of this mathematical impossibility as there is no other plausible explanation. Anyway, OSEES’ 4,578,942nd album ‘Abomination Revealed At Last’ dropped on Friday and it rips as per usual.

We cancelled our Spotify account, so you’ll have to make your own playlist. We’d say sorry, but it’s probably a good thing to force you to take some agency in your own life for once.