Quiz: IDLES Lyrics or Something We Said While on Anesthesia

Posted on May 1, 2023 by Zach Hudson

British rock band IDLES are known for their raw energy and gruff, in-your-face instrumentals, but it’s their catchy, chaotic lyrics that toe the line between poetry and just plain gibberish that sets them apart. While fans may consider vocalist Joe Talbot to be a lyrical genius, based on our recent trip to the operating table, we think we are more than qualified to step into his shoes should he ever leave the band. See if you can tell the difference between IDLES lyrics and something we said while on anesthesia.

Crawling hurts, but it works for me
I’m alright! I’m alright!
I’m alright! I’m alright!
I’m feeling mani-fucking-fique

Answer: IDLES – Crawl!
While we did spend a good amount of time crawling around the hospital floor, we did not come up with this one.

You pulled my teeth out
Give ‘em back
You pulled my teeth out
I don’t need them
Take two
Take two
Take two
‘Gotta pay your dues

Answer: Anesthesia.
We weren’t getting oral surgery, so we aren’t sure where this one came from but we are glad to report that all of our teeth are accounted for.

Football’s on
All be quiet
Let’s sing together
I said be quiet

Answer: Anesthesia
Apparently, we had been watching The Price Is Right but kept referring to it as football for reasons unknown to us.

I got new shoes
‘Cause I mean business
I mean business
I got new shoes
‘Cause I mean business
I mean business, uh huh

Answer: IDLES – Gram Rock
We aren’t sure what business Joe Talbot was referring to, but if it involves new shoes it must have been serious.

Coo-coo ca choo-choo
Lay on the tracks
Coo-coo ca choo-choo
The hand bites back
Celebrate!
Celebrate!

Answer: Anesthesia.
According to some very unhappy nurses we did in fact try to bite them, although we have no recollection of this.

Let’s seize the day
All hold hands, chase the pricks away
You can do it
You can do it
Yes you can
Woo-hoo!

Answer: IDLES – Mr. Motivator
Whoever this Mr. Motivator is, he’s much more motivational than half of the motivational speakers we’ve listened to.

Man up, sit down
Chin up, pipe down
Socks up, don’t cry
Drink up, just lie
Grow some balls, he said
Grow some balls

Answer: IDLES – Samaritans
While the nurses were telling us to sit down and be quiet, no, this one was not us.

Pick up your hands
Put ‘em on your face
Your face
It’s all yours
Your hands
They’re all yours

Answer: Anesthesia
According to our buddy, we made up a very embarrassing dance for this little chorus we came up with.

Islam didn’t eat your hamster
Change isn’t a crime
So won’t you take my hand sister
And sing with me in time
Great!
Great!

Answer: IDLES – Great
While “great!” was our response whenever we were asked how we were feeling, credit goes to IDLES for this one.

Four feral cats in a garbage vat
They can handle their liquor
Let them dance, let them fuck
Have your way with God
It’s a party!

Answer: Anesthesia.
We’ve spent weeks trying to figure out what this one means and so far we have zero theories.

Favorite Band’s “New” Record You Haven’t Listened To Yet Just Turned 10

Posted on May 1, 2023 by Dave McNamara

PITTSBURGH – Local man Jack “JJ” Jenkins was shocked to find out the “new” album from his favorite band Deer Stalker just turned 10 years old, which he admitted to still not listening to yet, confirmed unsurprised sources.

“Time just moves faster when you’re an adult. I swear I blinked and an entire decade has gone by and I really have nothing to show for it,” said Jenkins, while patching a hole in a faded OBEY hoodie. “It doesn’t really seem like it’s been that long. I mean, I bought their first album after I saw them open for Flypaper Envelope at Smalls and that was only back in 2003. Now that I say it out loud, I guess that was twenty years ago… Wow. I’ve been working as a part-time door guy at a bar that serves pickled eggs and two-dollar pitchers that whole time. Am I going to die there? This actually hurts to think about.”

Jordy Piatik, a founding member of Deer Stalker, claims that many of their biggest fans seem to ignore anything released after 2008.

“We’re super stoked about the reissue of ‘A Picture of All Your Friends Crashing in a Plane,’” said Piatik. “It wasn’t our best seller, but it’s one we’re very proud of. A lot of people don’t know this, but we’ve actually released four albums and three EPs since after the first Obama term. Bret and I also started a synth band called Deer Witch, and we put out another two albums with that project as well. All told, we’ve put out more records since people stopped paying attention to us than many bands do in their whole career. I’m not bitter or anything, I just think it’s weird when our audiences go batshit for our old songs and fake mumble through anything we did after 2010.”

Record Store Day co-founder and vinyl enthusiast Deirdre O’hare helped usher in the era of deluxe reissues of albums no one thought were that important.

“I love bringing forgotten gems back to life,” said O’Hare. “But more than that, I love making aging hipsters become aware of their creeping mortality. Nothing scares the shit out of you more than when that sell-out record of your favorite band gets the double-digit anniversary treatment. I’m talking double gatefold, essay liner notes written by Chuck Klosterman, and a big shiny sticker on the plastic that says ‘Ten years of your life have slipped away.’ It really spooks them, and I live for it. Next year I’m going to include intake forms for prostate exams with any reissue of an album from the aughts.”

Also scheduled for release next month is the twentieth-anniversary edition of the Wes Anderson movie you thought was lame but never watched.

Every Social Distortion Album Ranked

Posted on April 30, 2023 by James Knapp

We’ve written about Social Distortion a few times before. Fortunately, we were pretty drunk all of those times and don’t remember most of what we said. So, against our better judgment, we have decided to rank every Social D album, which we are doing with a gut full of blue raspberry flavored MD 20/20. Enjoy!

7. Hard Times & Nursery Rhymes (2011)

Now, there’s nothing wrong with this record morally speaking. It didn’t commit any war crimes or serve on the supreme court or have any sort of reprehensible failing like either of those things I just mentioned. Beyond that, there isn’t much positive I can say about this record. It didn’t bomb civilians with nerve gas I guess. At least not literally.

Play it again: …
Skip it: “Writing on the Wall”

6. Prison Bound (1988)

“Prison Bound” is sort of the forgotten Social D album. And with good cause. A lot of these songs are pretty forgettable. Anyone outside of diehard fans is probably safe giving this one a miss, and diehard fans are too busy refurbishing antique jukeboxes to give a shit about it.

Play it again: “It’s the Law”
Skip it: “No Pain No Gain”

5. Sex, Love and Rock ‘n’ Roll (2004)

Before the band really strayed off on Nursery Rhymes, they did a pretty good job on “Sex, Love and Rock ‘n’ Roll.” Lead track “Reach For the Sky” kicks all kinds of ass and as the whole the album stays true to the tried and true sound the band perfected over the years. I wish I could put it higher on this list but… well… we’re about to get into here, folks.

Play it again: “Reach For the Sky”
Skip it: “Winners and Losers”

4. Mommy’s Little Monster (1983)

It really hurt me to have to put this record this low in the ranking. I mean, “Mommy’s Little Monster” is a fucking classic. It’s iconic. But upon revisiting it for this list and being well and truly honest with myself, it’s not great. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. But it’s about as good as any other punk record from the time. Mike Ness Still needed several more years of mainlining Buck Owens before the band would really create something great.

Play it again: “Another State of Mind”
Skip it: “Anti-Fashion”

3. White Light, White Heat, White Trash (1996)

“White Light, White Heat, White Trash” is the tail end of Social D’s golden era. The six or seven years when they were in the right place at the right time with the right sound and just absolutely killing it. It is actually a great record, but now I’m not gonna talk about it anymore ‘cause I wanna get started on the next one already.

Play it again: “When the Angels Sing”
Skip it: “Crown of Thorns”

2. Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell (1992)

This is the album that “Prison Bound” should have been. Finally, the band’s sound caught up to where the content of the songs had been hovering high. It just goes to show that maybe all you need is to be a few years out of rehab before you can really start to unpack all that stuff and form a coherent and memorable masterpiece. Anyways, this is it. This album is sick.

Play it again: “Bad Luck”
Skip it: “Sometimes I Do”

1. Social Distortion (1990)

Oh, come on! You knew this was coming! Seriously, what else was gonna be in the number one spot, “Nursery Rhymes?.” Of course “Social Distortion” is their best. It has every song that everyone knows on it and all the ones that not everyone knows are still fucking phenomenal. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve just finished all of my MD 20/20 and I have a strong urge to go punch my parole officer. Farewell.

Play it again: “Sick Boys”
Skip it: Nothing. Don’t skip anything.

Lesbian Completes Seasonal Changing of the Guard by Swapping Out Flannels for Hawaiian Shirts

Posted on April 30, 2023 by Colleen Nerney

SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y. — Local lesbian Molly Roth recently completed the solemn task known in her community as the “changing of the guard” by putting her flannels in storage and taking out her Hawaiian shirts, sweaty sources report.

“It is every lesbian’s duty to perform the ritual come spring, or really, come whenever it’s 80 degrees and we can’t stand it anymore,” said Roth while saluting for some reason. “It’s a long and intensive process that takes a full day; I have to make sure everything is folded like the American flag before putting it into my storage bins, and then all my Hawaiian shirts have to get steamed to ensure they are properly wrinkle-free and crisp while hanging. It’s a tough job, but I respect my ancestors too much to skip it.”

Roth’s token heterosexual friend Maggie Wainwright took notice of the seasonal practice.

“I always know when the last snow has fallen, because the second it’s nice out for real, Molly disappears for a whole Sunday and emerges in the most hideous printed button-downs money can buy from the Dollar Thrift,” said Wainwright. “Sometimes I think she’s lost her touch when she wears a beat-up old flannel on a hot afternoon, but no matter what, the following day it’s always cold as hell. I don’t know what weird psychic lesbian shit this is, but honestly, I respect it.”

Meteorologist and local news weatherman Bryce Dayton weighed in with his professional perspective on this phenomenon.

“There’s actually been a long and well-researched history of lesbians accurately predicting meteorological patterns based on when they put their heavier shirts away for the season,” Dayton said while gesturing to a grainy sepia-toned photo. “We have accounts from as far back as the 1600s of ‘spinsters’ claiming to know when to plant seeds to avoid a frost, all because they left their petticoats inside that day. And you know, you see this with gay men, too. You know it’s really summer vacation time when the inseams go from short shorts to really short shorts. It’s just an inherited cultural trait, it seems.”

At press time, Roth was seen swapping her Doc Martens Chelsea boots for Doc Martens sandals.

Review: The Damned “Damned Damned Damned”

Posted on April 30, 2023 by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a classic album from punk history. We also consume enough ketamine to kill an adult zebra every week, but this is unrelated to our reviews. This week we checked out the debut record from punk pioneers The Damned, “Damned Damned Damned.”

The Damned truly were groundbreakers in the early UK punk scene. They were the first English punk band to put out a single, the first to tour the United States, and “Damned Damned Damned” was the first full-length studio album to be released.

But The Damned’s list of first doesn’t end there. Such a prolific band spent much of their early days racking up an impressive string of historic firsts. So we thought we’d take a look back on just a few of the ones they hit during or around the recording of triple D.

First UK punk band to not pay back their recording advance.
First UK punk band to hold a band meeting that they forgot to tell the drummer about.
First UK punk band to fuck with those big hat guards at Buckingham Palace and actually get a reaction out of one of them.
First UK punk band to try tapas. They didn’t like it.
First UK punk band to publicly denounce Benjamin Disraeli even though he’d been dead for like ninety years at that point.
First UK punk band to be on tour and think they forgot a piece of gear at the last gas station and have to drive all the way back to get it and then not find it at the gas station and then check the van and it was in there the whole time just in a different place than it usually is.
First UK punk band to visit a waterpark in East Lansing, Michigan. They all bought souvenir photos from the log flume ride.
First UK punk band to think that The Poseidon Adventure was “an intriguing concept, but the production ultimately fell flat.”
First UK punk band to break up, then get back together like four days later but without the bass player.
And finally, first UK punk band to use a picture of Margaret Thatcher with eyes cut out as show flyer art.

SCORE: 1 out of 1 for everything all the time ever, apparently.

We Revisit Trace Adkins’ “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” Because Our Flight Is Delayed in the Nashville Airport

Posted on April 30, 2023 by Sara Mellas

Whether you’re a fan of country music or not, there’s no denying the musical talent and songwriting skills of countless country artists from the past century. From Johnny Cash to Dolly Parton, Kenny Chesney to Shania Twain, the genre has made a marked cultural impact.

I’m no country music scholar, but I am three hours into a layover at the Nashville airport and Trace Adkins’ 2005 hit “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” is booming through the speakers of the saloon next to my gate. So let’s give it a listen while I wait for the Southwest agent to call boarding group B.

The song opens with a bass line that sounds like it was taken from the Seinfeld theme, over which Adkins speaks to his fellow country boys in a thick drawl. “Turn it up some / Alright boys, this is her favorite song / So, if we play it good and loud she might get up and dance again / Ohh, she put her beer down / Here she comes.” To summarize: He devised a scheme to get the ladies movin’ and it worked immediately. If only Southwest Airlines could figure out how to execute a plan so efficiently.

The first verse launches into a faster tempo and Adkins starts singing, “Hustlers shootin’ eight ball / Throwin’ darts at the wall / Feelin’ damn near ten feet tall / Here she comes, Lord help us all / Ol’ T.W.’s girlfriend done slapped him out his chair / Poor ole boy, it ain’t his fault / It’s so hard not to stare.” Who knows who T.W. is, but it’s safe to say it was his fault.

Chorus time! “At that honky tonk badonkadonk / Keepin’ perfect rhythm, make ya wanna swing along / Got it goin’ on like Donkey Kong / And oo-wee, shut my mouth, slap your grandma / There oughta be a law, get the sheriff on the phone / Lord have mercy, how’d she even get them britches on / That honky tonk badonkadonk” If this song isn’t the rural man’s “Baby Got Back,” then I don’t know what is. When they were in the studio recording, do you think they laughed at all or kept things serious the whole time? More importantly, do you think my flight will get delayed another hour?

In the bridge, Adkins advises his friends, “Boys, you better keep your distance / You can look but you can’t touch,” which is solid feminist allyship by 2005 standards. Then he closes the song with this declaration: “That’s why we do what we do / It ain’t for the money, it ain’t for the glory, it ain’t for the free whiskey / It’s for the badonkadonk.” Such a shame no one writes lyrics like that anymore. Maybe backwoods chivalry really is dead.

Hopefully, one day artists of all genres will start writing entire songs about butts again. But it looks like pre-boarding just started so I’d better line up to get my badonkadonk on this plane.

Bass Player Really Bringing Supergroup Designation Into Question

Posted on April 30, 2023 by Matt McInerney

MALDEN, Mass. — Two members of Grassachusetts and Stink Witch are reportedly forming a three-man supergroup with roadie Brit Charrington on bass, leading some fans to question the supergroup designation altogether.

“Sure, the other two guys are legends. But I’ve done some pretty notable work myself. I was a touring member of GWAR for a whole summer. I know it just looked like a horny lobster on stage, but I promise that was me sweating through the foam,” said Charrington. “I also did a bit of session work on an unreleased Bongzilla album. Oh, and I even played the tambourine for Mastodon once. They did ask me to play from behind the stage, but if you can find any of those live recordings, you can hear me loud and clear.”

Jayden Briggs, fan of both Grassachusetts and Stink Witch, remains skeptical.

“I’m just not buying it. When I think of supergroups, I think of heavy hitters like Chickenfoot and Sammy Hagar and the Circle. Who the fuck is this Brett Charringuard guy?” asked Briggs. “Why can’t they get someone respectable? I don’t mean to be rude, like, I’m sure Bront Charizard is good or whatever. But at least get someone I know or have literally heard of in passing. Like, just off the top of my head, maybe Michael Anthony.”

Music historian Easton Hilbert agrees that the term supergroup is starting to get a bit fuzzy for his liking.

“It’s rare to find a group like boygenius that is equally respected across all members. More often than not, you have to compromise a little. Or a lot, if you’re the Hollywood Vampires and you accidentally invite Johnny Depp on stage once,” said Gilbert. “But this is too much. Taking two famous guys and adding a rando on bass is absolutely foul play. And while we’re at it, I don’t think you should be able to do the Audioslave thing either. That’s just Rage with a different vocalist. If that was Van Halen, they’d just call them Van Halen.”

In related news, Sebastian Bach announced he’s reforming Damnocracy with Jason Bonham’s nephew on drums and a former contestant from Rock of Love on guitar.

Ron DeSantis Signs Bill Limiting Teachers to Only Use TV Cart for “Birth of a Nation”

Posted on April 29, 2023 by John Danek

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Reactionary governor Ron DeSantis signed a controversial law limiting all use of public school TV carts to only showing D.W. Griffith’s 1915 silent film “Birth of a Nation,” the governor’s office proudly stated.

“We Floridians are ready to push back against woke, and that starts in the schools; children are going to love the traditional American values on display in ‘Birth of a Nation,’” said DeSantis, who is reportedly crafting laws to replace any trace of critical race theory in schools with introductions to phrenology and eugenics. “And I believe children will find the action exhilarating in a way that no talkie could ever hope to achieve. It’s always been a personal favorite of mine. In fact, my Top 4 on Letterboxd are ‘Triumph of the Will,’ ‘Loqueesha,’ and ‘Left Behind’ starring Kirk Cameron.”

Some Florida parents applauded DeSantis’ efforts to run “woke” progressive ideologies out of the public sphere.

“Thank God and praise Jesus for DeSantis- without him, I would have to actually start parenting and monitoring what my children do instead of just leaving it up to the state,” admitted local mother and gator wrestler Geena Comers. “To be quite frank, I’m not sure ‘Birth of a Nation’ will hold the childrens’ attention in the age of ‘Fortnite’ and Snapchat, but maybe my kids will get some extra shuteye before they learn about God creating the world in six days in science class.”

Prominent thinkers in the world of film lambasted DeSantis’ ill-advised choice of educational film content.

“Not only is ‘Birth of a Nation’ a piece of racist trash, but it’s also an agonizing slog to get through,” explained Dr. Reggie Thayers, film professor at the University of Miami. “It has some importance in the history of film, but very little value as entertainment today. It’s yet another piece of evidence of conservatives’ inability to make good art. George W. Bush’s shitty paintings, Kid Rock’s ear-splitting music, and anything Kevin Sorbo has done furthers the amateurish, ineffective tradition. And don’t even get me started on the Michale Graves era of Misfits.”

The DeSantis camp is considering expanding the law by limiting all school dance functions’ music to only former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee’s unaccompanied bass lines.

Every Slayer Album Ranked

Posted on April 29, 2023 by Chris Bowen

FUCKIN’ SLAAAAYYYYYEEERRR have been a staple in the metal community since their debut album in 1983. And since then, they have existed as a band through a variety of metal music trends (for better or for worse) and various interesting sound directions (for better or for worse), but if you ask most any Slayer fan, they’ve always just been “FUCKIN’ SLAYER.” However, this is a ranking of their records, and blanketing them with that sentiment wouldn’t be exciting….plus as you’ll see, it’s just wrong.

11. Diabolus In Musica (1998)

First off, I’ll admit that this isn’t a Slayer album that I listen to a whole lot. Well, by that I mean I listened to it once when I was like 7 years old. But as a more mature adult, with more refined taste, I thought, “It can’t possibly be that bad. It has evil satanic Powder on the front, and the Slayer logo is written all cool-like.” Slayer was not only bitten by the Nu-Metal bug when this was written, it laid its eggs inside their brain and what hatched was this. Best to just avoid.

Play it Again: “In The Name of God”
Skip it: Literally every other song

10. God Hates Us All (2001)

This album being released on September 11th, 2001 really solidifies the fact two tragedies occurred that day: the 9/11 attacks, and Leftöver Crack releasing their first record…..wait, no, that doesn’t make sense. Make that three tragedies. This album is one of them.

Play it Again: “Disciple”
Skip it: “Deviance,” but only after you get past the intro sound clip with the hilarious stock screams.

9. Christ Illusion (2006)

Five years after “God Hates Us All,” Slayer is back and as not exciting as ever. I feel like this record was their way of saying, “Alright, no more tripp pants or ‘bugga chugga’ riffs, let’s get back to our thrash roots.” Plus, Dave Lombardo is back behind the kit. It is an okay effort, and much more enjoyable than the previous two on this list, but it still has a little too much of that ’90s-era stink on it.

Play it Again: “Flesh Storm”
Skip it: “Jihad”

8. Repentless (2015)

This record is more than likely the last Slayer full-length we’ll ever get. Gary Holt replaces Jeff Hannemen (RIP) on guitar and Paul Bostaph returns as the band’s drummer once again. Not the worst record of theirs, but it really isn’t worth carving their band name into your arm over either.

Play it Again: “Repentless”
Skip it: “When the Stillness Comes”

7. World Painted Blood (2009)

This is the last Slayer record to feature Jeff Hanneman (RIP) on Guitar and Dave Lombardo on drums. The most solid of the 2000s era records, it still just barely sets itself apart from the previous two records on this list. Good records, but just sorta one big ball of open “e” strings, bad words and cover artwork that I’ll always forget goes to which albums.

Play it Again: “Hate Worldwide”
Skip it: “Human Strain”

6. Divine Intervention (1994)

This was the album we saw Slayer sorta veer off in a different direction musically. While not necessarily massively different from “Seasons,” you can tell they were into experimenting with their sound a bit. Some might call it “evolving” or “progressing” their sound, and I suppose you could look at it that way. But Tom uses that weird “megaphone” effect on his vocals everyone was doing at that time on some parts. It’s still a really solid record, regardless.

Play it Again: “Fictional Reality”
Skip it: “Circle of Beliefs”

5. South of Heaven (1988)

“Before you see the light…..you must, diiiiiiieeeee.” -Tom Araya

Certainly words to.…umm.…live by? Anyways, “South of Heaven” is a classic Slayer album. Also, to the best of my knowledge, the first Slayer record to feature a Tom “whispering” vocal part that would be a staple of his in the albums to come (for better or for….. well, you know). A bit slowed down, this record showed Slayerites that they can write heavy shit without just playing 10,000 miles an hour. Which coincidentally is the speed limit in hell.

Play it Again: “Silent Scream”
Skip it: “Spill the Blood”

4. Hell Awaits (1985)

“Hell Awaits” is the record when Slayer decided to just play all their instruments as fucking fast as they possibly could. And to be quite frank, it turned out really goddamn cool. Kinda boring, but not too much, but also really goddamn good. Plus that cover art is iconic, and cool as fuck.

Play it Again: “At Dawn They Sleep”
Skip it: (This album is best when you listen to it in its entirety, but also “Hardening of the Arteries).

Honorable Mention: Haunting the Chapel (1984)

This is the EP when Slayer decided to just play their instruments as fucking fast as they possibly could. Now, I’m not allowed to rank comps or EPs on this list, and if I could, this would probably be higher up, but I don’t make the rules nor have the know-how. But I do know “Captor of Sin’ fucking rules.

3. Seasons in the Abyss (1990)

“What poser puts ‘Seasons’ in their top three Slayer records,” you say? Well, me, I guess. But it’s a fucking great album. It takes the slow heaviness of what they did on “South of Heaven,” and mixes it with the ferociousness of “Reign in Blood” to make what I think is one of the best metal records of the 1990s, even though it was still basically the ’80s when it was released. Highly underrated and overlooked mostly by posers who still like to call people posers.

Play it Again: Spirit in Black
Skip it: “Expendable Youth”

2. Reign in Blood (1986)

“Reign in Blood” is one of, if not the best thrash metal record of all time. From beginning to end, it’s a relentless onslaught of no reverb and iconic riff after iconic riff. That one dude with the really long beard along with Slayer themselves nailed it with this one. There isn’t much else to say here other than if you haven’t heard this then I’m surprised you’re reading this.

Play it Again: “Angel of Death”
Skip it: “Raining Blood,” because every 14-year old wearing a Pantera shirt uses that riff while testing out a Jackson at Guitar Center.

1. Show No Mercy (1983)

Slayer’s debut, and their best. Not one other record of theirs compares to the fast, evil, cult heavy metal sound of “Show No Mercy.” It was a game changer for thrash and made Metallica look like Peter, Paul, and Mary in comparison. Each song is memorable, heavy as fuck, and written with pure aggression. Tom’s vocals are by far the best on this album, and so is the overall production. I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that this is the greatest heavy metal album to feature Kerry King on guitar. A total essential.

“Play it Again: “The Antichrist”
Skip it: If you skip any song off this record, when you leave this mortal coil, may you spend all eternity in the kingdom of heaven.

Every Metallica Album Ranked

Every Every Time I Die Album Ranked

Woman Experiments With Bondage By Trying on Jeans From High School

Posted on April 29, 2023 by Dom Turek

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local woman Tracey Garibay entered the wild world of bondage by trying on a pair of American Apparel skinny jeans she hadn’t worn since her junior year of high school, stunned sources reported.

“You’ll have to excuse my underwear,” said Garibay, sitting on her bed with her pants stuck halfway up her thighs. “I’ve experimented with some light bondage in the past, like when I put my pants on right after they came out of the dryer, but I’ve never done anything this extreme before. I don’t know what got into me. I was sitting alone in my room feeling a little kinky and decided to test the limits of my leg circulation.”

Garibay’s subconscious desire to surrender control was triggered after a long-forgotten pair of size 26 jeans resurfaced while cleaning out her closet.

“I didn’t even know she owned jeans,” recalled Garibay’s boyfriend Andrew Whitaker. “I’ve only seen her wear one-size-fits-all sweatpants or my basketball shorts. Whenever she’s around me, she keeps it very vanilla, I’m talking overalls and t-shirts from promotional giveaways at the gym. I have to admit seeing her helplessly wriggling around on the floor begging me to pull on one of her pant legs got me pretty hard. I’m hoping she might also want to try on that Warped Tour 2008 tank top I saw in the back of her closet.”

BDSM is not risk-proof. It’s important for beginners to tread lightly, whether you’re working with spreader bars, crotch knots, or trying to get out of a dress you haven’t worn since 2012 without dislocating your shoulder.

“She already broke rule number one by engaging in self-bondage,” said Madame Felicia Evil, dungeon monitor at an undisclosed location. “It’s important to have a Dom standing by so you can administer safe words like ‘hazelnut,’ ‘pineapple’ or ‘Oh my god my legs are turning purple, call an ambulance and tell them to bring scissors.’ I once walked in on a girl bound so tightly by a pair of vintage Guess jeans that it made a shibari hogtie look like a spa treatment.”

At press time, Garibay was heard screaming “pineapple” midway through trying on a pair of raw selvedge jeans she hadn’t worn since college.