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Ron DeSantis Signs Bill Limiting Teachers to Only Use TV Cart for “Birth of a Nation”

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Reactionary governor Ron DeSantis signed a controversial law limiting all use of public school TV carts to only showing D.W. Griffith’s 1915 silent film “Birth of a Nation,” the governor’s office proudly stated.

“We Floridians are ready to push back against woke, and that starts in the schools; children are going to love the traditional American values on display in ‘Birth of a Nation,’” said DeSantis, who is reportedly crafting laws to replace any trace of critical race theory in schools with introductions to phrenology and eugenics. “And I believe children will find the action exhilarating in a way that no talkie could ever hope to achieve. It’s always been a personal favorite of mine. In fact, my Top 4 on Letterboxd are ‘Triumph of the Will,’ ‘Loqueesha,’ and ‘Left Behind’ starring Kirk Cameron.”

Some Florida parents applauded DeSantis’ efforts to run “woke” progressive ideologies out of the public sphere.

“Thank God and praise Jesus for DeSantis- without him, I would have to actually start parenting and monitoring what my children do instead of just leaving it up to the state,” admitted local mother and gator wrestler Geena Comers. “To be quite frank, I’m not sure ‘Birth of a Nation’ will hold the childrens’ attention in the age of ‘Fortnite’ and Snapchat, but maybe my kids will get some extra shuteye before they learn about God creating the world in six days in science class.”

Prominent thinkers in the world of film lambasted DeSantis’ ill-advised choice of educational film content.

“Not only is ‘Birth of a Nation’ a piece of racist trash, but it’s also an agonizing slog to get through,” explained Dr. Reggie Thayers, film professor at the University of Miami. “It has some importance in the history of film, but very little value as entertainment today. It’s yet another piece of evidence of conservatives’ inability to make good art. George W. Bush’s shitty paintings, Kid Rock’s ear-splitting music, and anything Kevin Sorbo has done furthers the amateurish, ineffective tradition. And don’t even get me started on the Michale Graves era of Misfits.”

The DeSantis camp is considering expanding the law by limiting all school dance functions’ music to only former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee’s unaccompanied bass lines.