ISSAQUAH, Wash. – Costco Wholesale recently unveiled the eight-foot-long, 48-string Kirkland Signature Super Widebody electric guitar, sources both confused and impressed report.
“At Costco, we pride ourselves on offering our members significant cost savings over standard-size purchases,” stated senior VP of Communications Patricia Reddingridge while delicately placing her half-eaten $1.50 hot dog on a napkin. “With the new Kirkland Signature Super Widebody economy-sized guitar, you’ll never run out of strings at an inconvenient time. Buying that old standard guitar is like picking up a puny quart-sized bottle of vodka or one roll of toilet paper. Sure, you could, but you’re simply wasting your money.”
Members appeared excited about the massive rig, which comes with a 10-foot amp requiring a forklift for safe transport to the buyer’s vehicle.
“Oh yeah, this’ll be sweet,” said Jordan Statsky, 25-year-old guitarist for indie band The Ordinary Dividends, who was using his mother’s Costco Executive membership to fill his cart with beef jerky and Nerds Gummy Clusters. “We’ll have to tie it to the top of the van when we tour, and maybe get one of those highway escort vehicles, but if my mom finds a coupon in The Costco Connection for this bad boy, it’ll totally be worth it. Even though I guess we’ll have to rewrite all our songs to get rid of barre chords. Dude, I can’t even wrap my arm around the fretboard. It says you need two people and an industrial wrench for the tuning pegs. But I won’t have to buy new strings, like, ever again!”
According to musical gear industry analyst Frank Aureli, Ph.D, economic challenges for today’s struggling bands have opened the door to creative — if questionable — solutions.
“Back when bands relied on album sales and profitable tours, they could swing a decent mid-level Strat, with no financial strain” recalled Aureli. “Now, we see a lot of guitarists playing whatever moldy knock-offs they find on Craigslist. Some are even resorting to gear theft to supply their bands. And others will probably shell out for this downright Brobdingagian Kirkland Signature axe, which cannot be slung around a performer’s neck without breaking several bones. During testing, once we found enough people to play an actual chord, the tone was surprisingly exquisite. Costco is likely white-labeling high-quality components from the Fender factory and melting them together. Pretty sad.”
At press time, Costco’s product development team had released early prototypes for a Kirkland Signature 1,000-key economy-sized piano.
If you’re a Propagandhi fan whose eye is now twitching with rage because I’m ranking this juvenile outing last, how’s that AARP membership working out for you? “How to Clean Everything” sounds bad. There are hardly any songs worth revisiting. This is what happens when you let teens into a recording studio.
Failed States completes Propagandhi’s transformation from a snotty melodic skate punk band to a darker thrash/hardcore institution. Have you ever listened to an album, enjoyed it, but had difficulty remembering which songs were which? That happens to me with “Failed States.” A better music critic could tell you why, but you’re stuck with me, so we’re going to leave it at that.
A step up from their debut, Propagandhi’s sophomore effort “Less Talk, More Rock” moves closer towards what would become their signature sound. Quite a bit more aggressive, this LP aims for fewer chuckles and garnered more boos from assholes. We here at The Hard Times can relate.
Propagandhi’s most musically progressive entry in their catalog is “Supporting Caste.” The performances and production are top notch, and Chris Hannah gains mastery over his voice here. Oh shit, I started sounding like a real music critic there. Umm, suck my ass?
No band has gotten more ferocious as they’ve gotten older like Propagandhi has. “Victory Lap” is aptly titled, as it contains some of their most intricate and heavy guitar lines as well as great hooks. Maybe Propagandhi has the Benjamin Button disease? They should go get that checked out.
I almost put this album at number 3. Then I woke up and reordered it all because I’m a different person today. “Today’s Empires, Tomorrow’s Ashes” sees the band with a more mature, more radical worldview. It doesn’t get much straightforward and pure than a song like “Fuck the Border.” Fuck it, indeed.
You know how people dunk on those columnists in the 90s who were like “I think the internet is a fad and will be gone by year’s end?” The same treatment should be applied to all the idiots who didn’t realize the genius of “Potemkin City Limits.” It contains some of the best, complex hardcore/melodic/whateverthefuck punk songs in North American history. The album opens with one of the greatest punk songs ever which is about an imagined conflict between the U.S. and Canada and escalates from there. Now blast this album and go set a business park on fire.
