If You Didn’t Want to Attend the Gathering of the Juggalos You Shouldn’t Have Put Me in Charge of Planning Our Honeymoon

Posted on April 12, 2023 by Doug Kolic

Yo babe, are you serious? You really wanted to go to Disneyland after the wedding? Then why didn’t you just say so?

Oh, you did a million times but I just nodded as if I was listening and continued to spray Moon Mist all over the apartment? Fair enough, but in my defense, if you didn’t want to attend The Gathering of the Juggalos why the hell did you ever entrust me with something important like planning our honeymoon? Whoop whoop!

I’m not blaming you per se, but you also did specifically tell me that you’d be cool with any destination that was unique and interesting. And that’s exactly what the GOTJ is all about. Frankly, I’ve already sacrificed a lot of my customs by agreeing to hold off on the face paint until after the church service and to not stick anything between my butt cheeks until we were off the plane.

Of your extreme reaction, I’m starting to question whether you love me at all. You know I was down with the clown when we met, and I guess I just wished you would meet me halfway into the dark carnival. I never judged you for your unhealthy fascination with The Mouse House and all those times you forced me to watch Frozen. Just imagine how embarrassed I was having to admit to my friends that my fiancée was into Disney and preferred Fanta.

Just reserve judgment until after you compete in the juggalette beauty pageant I entered you in. Or after we spend a romantic walk along the drug bridge while the weed and salvia smoke wafts around your exposed cans, my popsicle and nizzos dangling in the afterglow of the numerous trash fires raging out of control. Of course, we’ll be naked and my butthole will be out, what kind of question even is that?!

Maybe our differences are too much to overcome and I should just take my hatchets and fireworks and fuck off. Or maybe I can stay if we promise to come together and embrace all of me, from the tips of my Osiris sneakers to the top of my krazy ass, filthy spider braids.

Fine, but I’m huffing nitrous on Space Mountain.

Concerning: Dentist Just Put On Speed Metal Before Root Canal

Posted on April 12, 2023 by Charles Bill

AUSTIN, Texas — Local dental patient Peter Thomas was in a state of panic recently when his dentist began absolutely blasting speed metal before beginning a root canal, sources paralyzed with fear confirm.

“It all started when he asked me if he could put on some tunes,” said Thomas. “I said sure, because I hate the noise of teeth grinding. Next thing I know he’s blasting ‘Raining Blood’ and talking to me about the time he double-teamed a nurse with Kerry King at a medical supplies convention in ‘98. I tried to ask him to change the music, but my mouth was numb and he was too busy playing drums on my chest with two of those little mouth mirrors. I should have noticed his Pantera scrubs, but that’s my mistake.”

Dr. Greg Yermin, DDS, was completely nonplussed by what he considers a standard soundtrack to his daily work.

“I asked that guy if he had any questions, but then he started making weird noises and I had to say ‘wait shut the fuck up, this part rules,’” said Yermin as he turned up “Through the Fire and Flames.” “This shit gets me so pumped to rip teeth right out of the jaw. And then, he wouldn’t stop squirming, which was really harshing my nitrous buzz. I asked if he wanted a hit, ‘cause I can get it like, no problem. Those dopes really just sent it to me because I went to ‘dental school.’ Chumps.”

While this musical practice may seem unusual to some, it is in fact rooted in cutting-edge scientific research.

“Music that blasts ass at 300 beats per minute actually makes dental procedures easier,” said American Dental Association fellow Janice Gomez as she practiced on her massive drum kit. “The most wildin’, head-banging tracks actually slow down blood flow, making it substantially easier to pull a tooth, cap a cavity, or beat someone’s fucking head in. We’ve recommended all our doctors stop playing pussy shit like Hall and Oates and start shredding their patients’ faces off with some Children of Bodom on a 32-inch subwoofer.”

At press time, Thomas was feeling uneasy when his dermatologist put on the YouTube video ‘Most Bone Crunching Dubstep Drops Of 2012’ before freezing off a mole.

GWAR Forced to Build Costume and Elaborate Backstory for Tambourine Player Featured in One Song

Posted on April 11, 2023 by Charles Bill

RICHMOND, Va. — Thrash metal band GWAR was forced to build an immense costume and elaborate backstory for a tambourine player that was featured in just one song on a recent release, sources confirmed.

“I got hired to play on a track, and next thing I know they’re handing me a 200-page character bible,” said session tambourinist Thomas Paige, now known in the band as Adolfus Cumlizard. “They insisted I memorize the whole thing before I go on tour with them. I just play on the bridge, and suddenly I have to pretend to be, what they called, a ‘multiversal fuckbeast.’ They gave me a costume and I nearly put my eye out when I tried to put it on. Can’t believe I went to Juilliard for this. But they’re tripling my daily rate so I guess I’ll roll with it.”

The primary members of the band seemed excited about adding the tambourine player to their ranks.

“Adolfus Cumlizard will tear your fucking face off and then piss on your skull,” said lead guitarist Pustulus Maximus. “This crazy mamma jamma comes from a planet where they fuck volcanos to reproduce. He knows the caldera g-spot and he’ll hit it and cause Mt. Vesuvius to bust all over Rome. He splooges on the audience in shows and they love it. His tambourine creates a sonic boom that compels all puny humans to fuck until they die from dehydration. No gatorade on his planet.”

Music expert Janet Oakes explained that this is not the first occasion of a temporary band member being absorbed into a band’s lore.

“This happens all the time,” Oakes explained. “I remember in 2007, Slipknot contracted 200 members of the Boston Gay Men’s Chorus to provide backing vocals in a concert and had to spend thousands of hours coming up with unique masks for each of them. A few were clearly Halloween masks from Party City, but most were of very high quality. Also Okilly Dokilly would routinely make their backing musicians get major cosmetic surgery to look exactly like Ned Flanders. It’s an industry standard.”

At press time, Paige was admitted to the hospital after scalding their hands while mixing a vat of corn syrup and red food coloring to simulate volcanic semen for the upcoming tour.

Every Nine Inch Nails Album Ranked

Posted on April 11, 2023 by Tyler Roland

Nine Inch Nails is a hard band to categorize. Best known as the side project of the guy that created the award-winning music for Pixar’s “Soul,” it has something for everyone. Whether you only know that one Johnny Cash song they covered or obsess over collecting every Halo number, Trent Reznor has released eleven angsty, edgy LPs that we’ve ranked for your inner goth’s listening pleasure.

11. Pretty Hate Machine (1989)

The greats have to start somewhere. This second-rate Depeche Mode tribute with lyrics that appear to have come from a high school sophomore fresh out of the poetry class he got a C- in, in NIN’s case. And just listen to the production. Did they have GarageBand in 1988?

Play it again: “Head Like a Hole,” but that sick live version on YouTube where Trent screams “something’s gonna get broken!!!”
Skip it: “Down In It.” “Rain, rain, go away?” Lord help us.

10. The Slip (2008)

This album took about a week to make, and boy, does it show. Take the first “real” opening track, “1,000,000,” which features a riff Tool has employed dozens of times already. It lives in the shadow of the first Ghosts release, and suffers from being the most forgettable thing NIN has released. Even releasing this sucker for free didn’t help.

Play it again: “The Four of Us Are Dying” has a pretty sick beat. If it was on Ghosts I-IV (it’s an instrumental), it would have carried the whole project.
Skip it: “Discipline.” King Crimson’s mind-numbing track of the same name is far more worthy of the title.

9. Ghosts V: Together (2020)

The most inessential Nine Inch Nails project gets brought back during the pandemic after twelve years. A boring soundtrack to a film that doesn’t exist. Many of the tracks here run over five minutes, and even that frantic drum break in “Still Right Here” can’t awaken us from the deep sleep this snoozefest put us in.

Play it again: The first seven tracks, on repeat, while you sleep.
Skip it: “Still Right Here.” The buildup ain’t worth the payoff.

8. Ghosts VI: Locusts (2020)

Released at the same time as Ghosts V, this one gets the edge as it sounds just a tad more Lynchian. Remember when Trent did the soundtrack to “Lost Highway”? Even that fuckawful sax mess “Driver Down” creams every single track on this bloated endeavor.

Play it again: “Another Crashed Car” is a nifty little experiment made entirely out of car noises. Trent, score the next Fast & Furious. That could kick ass.
Skip it: “When It Happens (Don’t Mind Me).” GOD, is this one annoying! If a panic attack had a sound.

7. Ghosts I-IV (2008)

The first Ghosts release is still the best, even if it runs an insulting one hour and fifty minutes. The Adrian Belew contributions on tracks 25 and 27 make for perhaps the most memorable moments over thirty-six fuckin’ tracks. And don’t get us started on “34 Ghosts IV.”

Play it again: The aforementioned 25 and 27, both of which have a Belew co-writing credit. Did you know the dude almost joined the 2013 live line-up? Damn you, Trent, that could’ve been cool.
Skip it: The one Lil Nas X sampled. You’ve heard it a million times before.

6. Year Zero (2007)

With an opening track named “Hyperpower!” (Trent’s exclamation mark, not ours), this “dystopian” “concept” album doesn’t give us high hopes. While it ends decently enough, this one is a thorough exercise in mediocrity. “Enjoyment Zero,” we call it.

Play it again: “Zero Sum.” A closer every Trump hater would be proud to jam.
Skip it: “Survivalism.” Legendary madman Aaron North was in the music video, but didn’t play on the track. Huge bummer.

5. With Teeth (2005)

The beginning of Nine Inch Nails’ downward spiral (ha, see what we did there?). After back-to-back masterpieces with “The Fragile” and, uh, “The Downward Spiral,” T-Rez started hitting the gym and making marginally less depressing music. Things would never be the same.

Play it again: “Only.” Get your Newton’s Cradle out for this one.
Skip it: “Every Day Is Exactly the Same.” As tedious as the situation the title describes.

4. Bad Witch (2018)

The first album in which Atticus Ross is an actual member, although calling this half-hour release an “album” is stretching it. Featuring a Death Grips-meets-jazz track, “God Break Down the Door,” is about the album’s only highlight. The instrumental tracks, however, are better than anything on the Ghosts projects, and the closer is a nice hat-tip to David Bowie. With a name like “Bad Witch,” though, this album just can’t hit the top three.

Play it again: “God Break Down the Door” for some saxophone AND breakbeats.
Skip it: “Shit Mirror.” A cringeworthy song title to kick off an album with a similarly cringeworthy title.

3. Hesitation Marks (2013)

Goddammit, this album gets way too much shit. Just because Trent traded the anger for minimalist grooves doesn’t mean it should be written off. Did you know Lindsey Buckingham plays on this one? Don’t miss the killer bass playing from Pino Palladino, either. But, again: Lindsey Buckingham. We rest our case.

Play it again: “In Two” to hear Lindsey “The Dude Who Was On Rumours!!!” Buckingham deliver a subtle, yet memorable, guitar line.
Skip it: “Everything,” a song even lamer than the entirety of Pretty Hate Machine.

2. The Fragile (1999)

You knew there were only two choices for the top spots, right? Even though the second disc is plagued by the godawful “Starfuckers, Inc.,” it takes a seriously fucked-up genius to have “La Mer” flow into “The Great Below.” We’re in the fetal position wishing she never left us just thinking about that one-two gut punch.

Play it again: “Even Deeper.” Dr. Dre cut time out of his Eminem-boosting schedule to work on this banger, and that sweet production is evident.
Skip it: Do we need to say it? Rhymes with “tar shuckers rink.”

1. The Downward Spiral (1994)

Okay, folks. We’re probably the 2,512th Nine Inch Nails ranking list to put this one at the top. But goddamn. We’ve got everything from regular NIN cohort Adrian Belew doing that weird texture-guitar at the end of “Mr. Self Destruct” to that Johnny Cash cover everyone loves at the end. Deep cuts like “The Becoming” are just as badass. Brian Eno wishes he wrote “A Warm Place.” Oh yeah, it was also recorded in the Tate house. That Manson voodoo ensures this bleak, nihilist hellscape nabs the top of our ranking.

Play it again: The title track, perhaps the most haunting NIN song ever (and that’s saying something), as well as the last original piece on the album.
Skip it: “Heresy” might have the edgiest lyrics Trent has ever penned – again, that’s saying something. Nietzsche would not be proud.

Billy and the Boingers (Bloom County)

Created for a running arc of Berkeley Breathed’s Bloom County comic strip (which popularized characters like Bill the Cat and Opus the Penguin) Billy and the Boingers released a flexi-disc distributed solely through the Bloom County treasury “Boingers Bootleg.” Possibly the only recorded punk band that emerged from a comic strip, unless those Family Circus kids cut a secret 7” I don’t know about.

Kobujutsu (On-Gaku: Our Sound)

In the animated feature On-Gaku: Our Sound, Three bored, taciturn teenage delinquents suddenly start a band that sounds somewhere between the devolved garage of the Gories and a malfunctioning washer/dryer. It’s a great movie that anyone reading THIS site should seek out immediately. Has a climactic “rock festival” scene that genuinely rivals anything that guy Scorcese ever did.

The Bird Brains (Spongebob Squarepants)

It’s the Cramps voicing a group of funny little marionette birds who rock so hard they blast Tom Kenny through a dozen walls…What am I supposed to do, NOT put it on the list???

How Now Brown and the Moo Wave (Sesame Street)

The Street’s resident new wave band How Now Brown gave us this blistering ode to, uh well, paint glippin’ and gloppin’ around in a bucket. Which apparently the Children’s Television Workshop deemed an important enough concept as the alphabet and “the concept of near and far” to teach to the kindergartners of the world. And you know what? They were right.

Dewey Cox & the Hardwalkers (Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story)

In the 2006 biopic parody Walk Hard, country rocker Dewey Cox is introduced to cocaine by his ever-apprehensive, but entirely un-discouraging drummer and invents hardcore instantly. And this sequence is implied to take place in the early ’50s, somehow even pre-dating Marty Mcfly inventing rock ‘n roll in the early ’60s. What a whirlwind.

Rock City Soundscape (The Birthday Boys)

Lampooning the genre-switching tendencies of indie musicians, The Birthday Boys’ Rock City Soundscape gave us the dance-punk classic “The Woods.” How punk rock is “The Woods” you ask? Well, as you can see from this video, they sometimes have a spider for a keyboardist. Why, not even Crass was THAT anarchic. Featuring all three members of the very NON-fictional party-rock band The Sloppy Boys.

Hell Hath No Fury (Degrassi: The Next Generation)

From the aptly titled episode “Rock ‘n Roll High School” Hell Hath No Fury is formed by Degrassi High students Ashley, Hazel, Paige and Ellie. Their song, “Mr. Nice Guy” is a fantastic anti-Craig Manning ode that sounds like Hole by way of the Go-Go’s. And if you think Downtown Sasquatch deserved to beat them at the battle of the bands, I’m sorry, but you’re a sexist.

Lady Parts (We Are Lady Parts)

This all-female Muslim punk band at the center of the British sitcom “We Are Lady Parts” is the absolute real deal (except for the being “real” part, but that’s the whole point of the article.) If you subscribe to Peacock, maybe make better use of your time by watching this show instead of your twelfth run through of the damn Office, huh?

The Blowholes (The Adventures of Pete & Pete)

In the episode “A Hard Day’s Pete,” music-hater Little Pete Wrigley forms a band to capture the one song he’s ever heard that he actually likes (Polaris’ “Summerbaby”). Even though the Blowholes consist of two children, a middle school math teacher, and a local gas meter reader, they can blast the belly button lint right out of your innie. You can tell Iggy Pop lived down the street.

The Stains (Ladies and Gentlemen…The Fabulous Stains)

In my opinion, more bands should feature Laura Dern on bass. Because, let’s face it: “dern” is the sound a bass makes.

Nada ft. Piggy (Get Crazy)

Allan Arkush’s spiritual sequel to Rock ‘n Roll High School “Get Crazy” revolves around New Year’s Eve concert curated with a cornucopia of made-up rock bands (often played by real musicians. Lou Reed acts in this thing, it’s nuts.) This one in particular is notable because, well, you can probably tell from just listening: that’s Lee Ving as lunatic vocalist “Piggy”, making this pretty much a lost FEAR track.

The Queen Haters (SCTV)

Take away the laugh track and somehow ignore the fact that all the members are recognizable 70’s comedy stars, “I Hate the Bloody Queen” could easily be mistaken as a legitimate entry in British punk’s first wave. The anthem proved so seminal that it’s been covered by NOFX and Mudhoney respectively. Plus, look at John Candy on those drums. Perfect.

Josie and the Pussycats (Josie and the Pussycats)

While their cartoon predecessors dealt firmly in bubblegum (and solving mysteries), the titular band of the 2001 cult classic Josie and the Pussycats are a pop punk powerhouse that could easily open for Blink 182 (for exactly one gig, until the tour organizers realized they messed up and correct it to be the other way around)

The Riverbottom Nightmare Band (Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas)

Also known as simply “The Nightmare” to the folksy woodland community of Frogtown Hollow, this gang of puppet thugs Though some may scoff at my calling their glammy, Blue Oyster Cult-ish stomp “punk”, please take note that one member of the Nightmare’s employ is a fish whose only job is to snottily spit on the audience and their expensive equipment.

Crisis of Conformity (Saturday Night Live)

C’mon, you knew Fred Armisen was gonna be on here somewhere. Honestly, good on us for not simply making this a whole list of fake bands he’s been involved with. Anyhow, this is a great sketch with a killer reveal that manages to satirize Jello Biafra, Suicidal Tendencies, and Black Flag all while on the precious airwaves of mainstream national broadcast television. You gotta hand it to the guy, that’s no small feat.

Death Metal Vocalist Accidentally Slips Into Customer Service Voice Onstage

Posted on April 11, 2023 by Sarah Feliciano

POMONA, Calif. – Liz Gore, lead vocalist of local death metal band Afterbirth, reportedly slipped into a strained and high-pitched customer service voice onstage last Wednesday, disturbed sources confirmed.

“I sped to the gig from my shift at The Undies Drawer, so I was hot off work mode. When I saw the pit open up, I started hearing my boss in my ear demanding to know why I hadn’t offered the people running into each other a shopping bag,” said Gore. “I only snapped back to it when I remembered we were playing our song ‘Nose Breaker’ and not a Charlie Puth remix over a mall speaker. Have you found everything alright today? Shi–”

Gore is known around the local scene for their angry expressions and moaning gutturals, so the crowd was shocked to witness the unsettling personality shift.

“Everyone was moshing, feeling the deep growls about salivating blood. Then Liz’s eyes went glossy, and they had this pained smile as they were talk-singing falsetto about the ’42 pairs for $10 sale’,” said fan Owen Feng. “After that, they made a beeline through the crowd to the merch guy, grabbed some shirts from him, and yelled ‘I’m getting the vibe you need a dressing room, you gorgeous goddesses.’ It was the most fucked up shit I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen someone get their pelvis broken after a botched stage dive.”

Music critic Sal Felbert has praised Gore for ushering Afterbirth into a new era of sound, and being the first non-binary death metal vocalist to pull out a company walkie-talkie on stage.

“It seems that Afterbirth is making a statement about the chokehold of capitalism. It’s a pit of hell that other bands have been too scared to touch and instead have opted to sing about chicken-shit like massacre and flesh-eating,” said Felbert. “Gore’s vocals make you feel like a shell of a person forced to follow a possibly armed shoplifter and the dissonant backing from the band leaves you worrying about whether you, too, will get your shift covered.”

At press time, Gore has since been awarded at work with a bonus that can only be used at the store itself.

We Sit Down With Our Dad To Ask, Hypothetically Speaking, What Would Happen if We Totaled His Car

Posted on April 11, 2023 by Ben Friedman

I think I can say without hyperbole that I have the coolest, most chill dad ever. The way he keeps his cool and doesn’t let petty bullshit bother him is admirable, unlike some fathers who berate their kids over every little mistake. To gauge just how naturally composed he is, we presented him with a scenario in which — and this is purely hypothetical mind you — we went on a joyride with his prized classic car and completely destroyed it.

Thanks for coming, you look great by the way. Are you using a new moisturizer? You don’t look a day over 50!

Whatever you want, I’m not buying it for you. I’m meeting your uncle for lunch so make it quick. And why do you have my keys?

Fair enough. Okay, so I think I’ve paid my dues to society driving the family’s minivan. Don’t you think I deserve just a taste of pure American muscle to raise hell around town for just an afternoon?

Oh that’s rich. In what scenario would you ever be behind the wheel of my ’68 Camaro? You would need to have a death wish! OK but seriously, I need to head out. Hand over the keys.

Right! But in some wacky parallel universe, and not earlier this morning, where I did take it for a spin and tried to pull a Blues Brothers style jump in an abandoned construction site, how would you move on from that?

First of all it’s worth more than your college tuition, so you’d be spending the rest of your life and then the afterlife paying me back. Secondly, there would be no moving on because it was your grandfather’s and it’s irreplaceable. Wait, did you barricade the garage door?

Oh yeah, I think I accidentally knocked over your beer fridge. Clumsy me! But back to the car. You have insurance, right? Just a paint touch up here or there, push some dents out of the bumper, and reassemble the drivetrain provided all the pieces of it were recovered and it would be like nothing happened. Hypothetically speaking, naturally.

If we’re JUST speaking in hypotheticals and wasting each other’s time, what if I just walked into your room and smashed up your old school video game consoles and tore up your Pokemon cards? What if I told your girlfriend that you slept with a stuffed animal until you were 22? What if — wait, is that a headlight in the garbage can? YOU ARE A DEAD MAN.

Punk Band Suddenly Art Rock After Receiving First Trust Fund Payment

Posted on April 10, 2023 by Scott Murray

PORTSMOUTH, N.H. – Sibling members of local DIY punk band Reserve recently changed their musical style and image after discovering they are the beneficiaries of a family trust, jealous sources confirmed.

“We’ve really matured lately,” said vocalist, drummer, and eldest brother Anders Albrecht. “It’s pretty crazy to think that only days ago when we were poor, our music was so utterly unrefined, full of anger, and raw. This week we’ve started to explore longer songs, odd tempos, and multiple movements. It’s just hard to convey real emotion in ninety seconds of angry, thrashing punk music. The real game-changer was quitting our jobs, which freed up tons of time for rehearsing and buying new gear. I think we’ll build a home studio next. Truly amazing what a little financial stability can do for the evolution of the group.”

Adam Pelagia, a longtime fan of the group, noted that the brothers have even begun to explore new venues to better suit their sudden change in style and direction.

“I’ve seen these guys play a million basements, but last week they did a house party way up in the hills. Good set, but the crowd was real stiff and I didn’t see anyone else in Docs,” Pelagia said while double-fisting a PBR and an American Spirit. “Must have been a new spot, because no one had put stickers up in the bathrooms yet. Kind of got the vibe that everyone there not only started art school, but finished it, too. I was surprised the band finally ditched their duct-taped guitar straps and trash can cymbals, but the projector playing ‘Requiem for a Dream’ really threw me. Plus, their bassist ‘Skunk’ who is known to launch snot rockets mid-set actually pulled out a monogrammed silk handkerchief at one point.”

Reserve’s newly-hired manager Rich Neebly believes the the band’s evolution is positive..

“They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can definitely help you outbid other artists for a tour. We’re officially doing six weeks in Europe this summer, followed by a month-long stay at Coco Chanel’s former hotel suite in Paris to start writing the next record. And to top it off, instead of selling lame t-shirts, we’re actually going to auction off NFTs during the show so the most committed fans can flex their one-of-one digital artwork in the metaverse. Nothing says ‘real fan’ quite like a blockchain record of how much you paid for a .JPEG.”

At press time, the group had left town to attend “a thing on a boat” and could not be reached for further comment.

We Listened to American Football Track-by-Track So You Don’t Have to Get All Depressed Too

Posted on April 10, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

In the annals of sad white Midwestern guys with guitars, American Football stands tall. The iconic emo rock group (originally consisting of singer, guitarist, and bassist Mike Kinsella, guitarist Steve Holmes, and drummer and trumpeter Steve Lamos) produced one self-titled album (plus an EP, also self-titled) in 1999 and then called it quits for decades. Then they reformed to critical acclaim and continue to make us feel really bummed out, but in a weird, satisfying way, which we can’t thank them enough for. We just got a refill of antidepressants, so we’re willing to take one for the team and go through “American Football” track by track and save you the sadness.

“Never Meant”

The song that inspired a thousand rounds of morose day-drinking, “Never Meant” kicks off with what sounds like a band fucking around in rehearsal, which is really not too far off from the truth. But then Lamos delivers a quick drum fill, ringing, clear-toned guitars join in, and then Kinsella’s nasal, strained voice delivers a body blow with “Let’s just forget everything said/ And everything we did.” There could not be a better mission statement for American Football (both the band and the album) than the murmuration of those guitars and Kinsella’s distant voice muttering “There were some things that were said that weren’t meant” over and over again until we’re crying. That’s just track one, motherfuckers.

“The Summer Ends”

Next up, “The Summer Ends” is pretty self-evidently a song about breaking up with your college girlfriend and trying to act like it’s no big deal, but that doesn’t mean this shit still doesn’t burn to the core. Lamos’s brightly melancholy trumpet weaves in and out of the guitars, giving a thousand emo nerds a chance to talk about jazz-rock, until it drops out and the six-strings retreat to let the singer mumble about his romantic confusion over a minimal drum beat. Fun fact: this is the only song on the album to use standard tuning, because math-rock nerds are gonna math-rock.

“Honestly?”

Look, we’ll level with you: it’s pretty hard to argue that “Honestly I can’t remember teen dreams/ All my teenage feelings and the meanings” aren’t the single greatest lyrics in all of emo history and if someone wants to, we’ll be right outside with a roll of quarters in a sock. Kinsella was pretty far from the noise of Cap’n Jazz with American Football, but “Honestly?” is the closest the album comes to favoring aggression over sadness, which is probably why we’re getting a little riled up.

“For Sure”

The trumpet’s back, peeking over a simple, Neil Young-like guitar line, until Kinsella’s voice arrives. This time around, he’s singing at the top of his register and occasionally responding to himself and all his doubts about what it means to have feelings about stuff and things. Reportedly, he used lyrics that he had written in a journal years before “American Football” was recorded, which just kind of shows he’s always been a beautiful bummer of a guy.

“You Know I Should Be Leaving Soon”

It’s an instrumental, thank god. We needed a break.

“But the Regrets Are Killing Me”

“American Football” is pretty close to a perfect album, but it’s fair to say that this track doesn’t really do anything the other songs don’t. It’s not that it doesn’t pierce our hearts and make us weep for our lost youth, but it doesn’t stand above the pack in any particular way.

“I’ll See You When We’re Both Not So Emotional”

It is entirely possible that “I’ll See You When We’re Both Not So Emotional” is the most emo song title that any band has ever come up with, and that is a very competitive field. Apparently, the songs were given titles basically to wrap up work on the album artwork (featuring the spooky house of a friend of a friend), with all but the instrumentals just using the last lyrics of a track as names. If there’s a spiteful core of the album, it’s this one, which pretty convincingly turns “You may accidentally/ Misinterpret honesty/ For selfishness” into either lacerating self-contempt or the bitch line of the year.

“Stay Home”

The beast of “American Football,” “Stay Home” is over eight minutes long and almost all of its lyrics are “But that’s life, it’s so social.” For all of the impending-autumn melancholy of the album as a piece, the melody of this one is likely the most oddly uplifting of them all. We won’t say it’s a ray of light or anything, but if there’s a part of “American Football” that can convince you that such a thing as closure exists and maybe you’ll be able to move on from a breakup, it’s this one.

“The One with the Wurlitzer”

We won’t lie: it’s a baller move to end an album with an instrumental track and a throwaway title like this one. Nice piano melody, the trumpet takes us out, and we have to go call our ex, just to hear their voicemail. Thanks, American Football.

Portrait of Paul Rudd in Attic Also Weirdly Young-Looking

Posted on April 10, 2023 by Ella Gale

RHINEBECK, N.Y. — A portrait found in the attic of a well-appointed, upstate mansion owned by actor Paul Rudd hangs an eerie oil painting of the actor that also looks oddly ageless, jealous Hollywood sources confirmed.

“He guards it most ferociously,” said Enya Calhoun, Rudd’s housekeeper of the last two decades. “First it was only a heavy lock, but later he barred the doors and windows with iron bars, and he keeps the key forever on his person. I’ve offered to go in there to dust, but he always says he’ll do it. It kind of creeps me out.”

Rudd’s wife, Julie Yaeger, confirmed that dire suspicion led her to seize the key and uncover the room’s fell secrets.

“Behind the door, I found a dusty chamber. A heavy embossed leather screen was set before a frame, and that frame was covered in a gold-embroidered purple Venetian beach towel—which I’m pretty sure Paul got as a wrap gift when he was shooting ‘I Love You, Man,’” said Yaeger. “Anyways, I flung the heavy cloth aside and gasped as I looked in terror upon a pretty good painting of Paul. It was cute, and I was immediately confused about why he was keeping it in the attic. I thought it might be a gift for me, but he acted so weird when I told him I had looked at it. He’s owned the shirt he’s wearing in the painting since middle school.”

Rudd confirmed that the portrait was his greatest most shameful secret.

“So you think I am mad? Is this what you wanted? To look upon this face, to see the truth etched in these lines? It is in this portrait that my sins have been written, instead of my own face,” a frantic Rudd explained. “Whoops, that’s a mirror, actually. I meant to point to the painting. They’re super hard to tell apart. Wait. Which one is the mirror and which one is the painting?”

At press time, Rudd and his wife continued to argue about whether he’d had the painting done fifteen years ago, or last week.