Noise Fan Attempts to Shazam Unbalanced Washing Machine Heard Through Apartment Wall

Posted on by Tim Graham

KINGSTON, N.Y. — Noise music enthusiast Craig Spencer tried in vain to identify the cacophonous racket heard through his living room wall, according to sources who had come over to buy weed.

“One afternoon I started hearing this wild music coming from my neighbor’s pad,” said Spencer while rearranging his record collection from alphabetical to chronological order. “The composition began with a deep, pulsing buzz and was soon overlaid with a rhythmic mechanical thrumming. I pulled out my phone and tried to Shazam it, but got no results. I sat there mesmerized until the track ended. Whatever it was, it ranks up there with some of the greatest harsh noise I’ve ever heard. I ran into my neighbor later and asked, ‘What was that incredible music you were playing?’ but she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. I hate gatekeeping.”

Neighbor Gwen Dubovich was initially baffled by Spencer’s questioning.

“I try to avoid talking to Craig as much as possible, so when he came up to me I really wasn’t in the mood to answer questions,” said Dubovich. “But I eventually realized he was asking me about the day my old washer finally croaked. I had tried to wash my heavy duvet after my dog puked on the bed and it was too much for the thing. It started rocking and shuddering, and then fizzled out and began smoking. I guess I could tell Craig what the sound actually was, but I really don’t want to start another conversation with him. The last time we spoke he invited me over to smoke weed and check out something called Agonal Lust. I claimed to have diarrhea and made a hasty exit.”

Underground music scholar Creighton Blemer says Spencer’s experience is enviable.

“Mr. Spencer witnessed something very few of us in the harsh noise community have been privy to: The spontaneous creation of pure music, unsullied by the meddling hand of man. Compositions made solely by machines with no human intervention are in fact the most perfect form of music that exists. What better expression of despair, isolation and ennui could there be than the sonic death throes of an industrial automaton? There is no more fitting way to exemplify the failing anthropocenic experiment than the wailing of machinery as it breaks down and succumbs to the indifferent will of entropy.”

At press time, Spencer had been spotted sitting cross-legged next to a concrete mixer at a nearby construction site, listening with rapt attention.

20 Misfits Songs That Will Get You Kicked Out of the PTA for Playing at a Children’s Halloween Party

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Well, it’s that spooky time of year again. Halloween is almost here and now that you’re a parent with young children it’s time for the most terrifying thing you can imagine… interacting with other parents and their kids at the local neighborhood Halloween party.

You are now thrown into a nightmare of unsupervised children and their parents who want to chat about tree nut allergies and how hard it is to plan for their 3rd grader’s path to an Ivy League school. The only way you know to drown out this claustrophobic suburban cacophony is to volunteer to play DJ for the night. And what better playlist for a night of ghoulish Samhain Eve celebration than the Misfits?

Be careful though. Even though the Misfits might seem like Sesame Street Singalong to your seasoned punk ears, some parents may be offended by the lyrics and you’ll find yourself kicked out of the PTA faster than you can say gluten-free muffin. Fret not, we compiled twenty Misfits songs not to play to avoid this from happening. Not that you really want to plan a bake sale or be a chaperone for the museum field trip anyway. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

20. Mommy, Can I Go Out & Kill Tonight?

A song about a quiet student who goes around killing his classmates was pure fiction in the early ‘80s but now that there seems to be a school shooting every nine seconds maybe skip past this one.

19. Children In Heat

Honestly we have no idea what this song is about. All we know is it’s not very Halloween-y and there is something about urinating blood for a week? What we do know though is that if you play this for the kids the concerned parents in your neighborhood are gonna have a field day talking trash about you on their Nextdoor message group.

18. Devil’s Whorehouse

Playing a song for kids on Halloween about the devil is borderline acceptable (unless you live in the South) but you surely don’t want to be the parent who has to explain what a whorehouse is.

17. Die, Die My Darling

You could probably sneak this one into the playlist but only later on in the party when the parents are all on their fifth glass of Pinot Noir and the kids have hit the sugar coma.

16. Dig Up Her Bones

The title and lyrics to this are perfectly appropriate for a spooky little kids’ party and there is nothing really here that will get you banned from your neighborhood but this is from the Michale Graves era though and you know you really can’t do that to these poor kids.

15. Angelfuck

You could possibly get away with playing this if every time they say “fuck” you cough loudly to cover it up. Then it would just sound like “Oh little angel” cough. Be careful though because with all the coughing everyone is going to think you are some kind of anti-vaxxer.

14. Hollywood Babylon

Even though you’ve been listening to this song for decades you probably just sang along to the chorus without really paying attention to the rest of the lyrics. Heaven is doing WHAT on her chest? Yikes.

13. We Bite

It’s not so much that the lyrics are too much for kids it’s more the fact that it will probably trigger that little dickhead Julian who goes around biting everyone. Then it’s somehow going to be your fault that he has sunk his teeth into some kid’s arm and not his parents who are pretending not to see it happening.

12. We are 138

This song doesn’t really seem to be about anything related to Halloween. In fact, we have no idea what this song is even about – Misfits reunion ticket prices maybe? What we do know is you don’t want to play the live version of this song because Henry Rollins is on it and some dad will start telling you how Rollins is now “too woke” to play a cop in movies anymore like he did in the ‘90s.

11. Death Comes Ripping

Even though it has that great line about the heat “burning your balls off” this is one you should just listen to on your own. Speaking of your balls though, have you made that vasectomy appointment yet? All these screaming children around you right now should be a good reminder.

10. Bullet

The kids haven’t had a history lesson yet about how JFK got “unalived” by a lone gunman or possibly the CIA (whoever you choose to believe.) And since Danzig gets all Danzig-y at the end of the song talking about getting a blowie from Jackie Onassis, maybe skip this one.

9. Bloodfeast

Sure, when you were a kid you loved how gory the lyrics to this were. But you were born in a very different time than these kids. And also based on the number of meds you’re currently on, maybe your childhood shouldn’t have included listening to songs about ripping off people’s faces?

8. Where Eagles Dare

On the spectrum of offensive curse words “goddamn son of a bitch” isn’t really that bad. But it is probably something these kids hear from their grandparents especially when talking about Joe Biden. And what could be more horrific for the kids on Halloween than reminding them of the political shitstorm of a world they were born into?

7. Spinal Remains

Sure, the lyrics are not appropriate for children, but really this song is nothing to write home about anyway. And you don’t want to scare yourself by realizing that one of your favorite bands isn’t actually as good as you remember.

6. Skulls

A song about skulls… on Halloween? Good heavens, no! This is too triggering! Now let’s all get back to our adult discussion within earshot of the kids about Israel bombing Gaza hospitals and schoolchildren.

5. Attitude

Out of all the songs the Misfits have this is the one you are probably going to want to play the most because the lyrics perfectly encapsulate your feelings about your normie Lulu Lemon-adorned neighbors. Just don’t expect to be invited to the next wine and book club meeting.

4. Last Caress

Playing this song will not only get you kicked out of the PTA, it will also get you disinvited to any future block parties, garage sales, neighborhood kickball games, or Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties. So yeah, you really have nothing to lose throwing this one on.

3. The Monster Mash

The original is a Halloween party classic so it seems like this would be ok but the Jerry Only era of vocals is somehow even worse than the Graves era. Hard pass.

2. Halloween

Seems like a no-brainer playing Halloween for the kids on Halloween until they notice the part about “dead cats hanging from poles.” Then you’re going to have a room full of crying children and irate parents.

1. Halloween II

Even though some of these overly-zealous parents have been trying to get Latin back into the curriculum for some fucking reason Danzig doing his satanic ceremonial Latin chant is probably going to raise some finely manicured eyebrows.

Listen to the playlist:

News of Foo Fighters Hiatus Rocks World of the 5 Remaining Child Musicians Who Hadn’t Yet Been Invited on Stage

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

LOS ANGELES — The Foo Fighters’ indefinite hiatus following Dave Grohl’s infidelity scandal is upending the world of the few child musicians who have not yet been invited up on stage to play with the band, inconsolable sources confirmed.

“I feel like I’ve wasted my life. I’ve spent the last four years perfecting my craft so Dave could call me up on stage, it was all for nothing,” explained eight-year-old Cameron Duckers, one of five children in the world still waiting for their chance on stage. “Everyone knows these days it’s TikTok, drop out of Juilliard, or get invited up on stage at a Foo Fighters concert. And my mom has made it abundantly clear she can’t afford Juilliard and I got banned from TikTok for trying to make usernames with variations on ‘dick and balls.’ And it wasn’t a far-fetched plan. My buddy Mike got brought up at their last tour and my buddy Kevin’s friend’s older brother was on the year before that. Mom was using my college fund for Ticketmaster fees. That’s how much of a sure thing this was.”

The implications of the band’s break also came as a shock to many adult fans.

“Of course I’m bummed. Foo Fighters have been my favorite band for almost three decades. I’ve been trying to get a viral video of Dave inviting a kid up on stage for years. But I’m always behind someone really tall or like one time I got too excited and dropped my phone in my beer,” said mega-fan Nora Rochester. “I’m actually in this Facebook group for viral video artists and I feel like I was getting so close to knocking this one off my bingo card. Now I have to depend on my stupid cat knocking a wedding cake off the counter or something like that to go viral, I’m screwed.”

Grohl admits the decision to stop touring has been a hard one.

“This is not something we took lightly, we know there are still a half dozen children out there who have not had the chance to play with us and it breaks my heart. When we talked through our options, I did a whole PowerPoint presentation on how this would affect the child music industry. But they wouldn’t hear me,” said Grohl. “They kept saying things like ‘That’s what you’re thinking about right now?’ and ‘Maybe those aren’t the kids you should be worried about.’ And I just want all the little Daves and Davettes out there to know that this isn’t their fault. I still love them. And they can totally come play on my new Podcast if they want! It’s called Dave’s Faves. I talk about my fave child prodigies.”

At press time, Grohl announced he would only grant paternity tests to women who beat him in a social media drum battle.

Tim Walz Debating Chatbot Trained Entirely On Your Uncle’s Social Media Feeds In Preparation For Vance Debate

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz recently revealed that he has been practicing for the debate with J.D. Vance by competing against a chatbot trained on your uncle’s unhinged right-wing social media posts.

“We’ve all got those conspiracy-brained uncles and weird relatives that we’ll dread feeling obligated to split the turkey with next month,” Walz remarked to some of the pre-debate press. “J.D. Vance is basically Peter Thiel’s cyborg clone composite of the ultimate weird uncle. JD-GPT doesn’t understand basic social moves, Minnesota niceties, cultural sensitivities, or how to say anything with the slightest hint of human heart or sincerity. But neither does the real deal, flesh-and-blood J.D.! I’ve been playing this machine harder than my goddamn Dreamcast. Reminds me, it’s been collecting dust, oughta boot up Shenmue sometime.”

Your uncle offered his two cents on such a technology, and he appeared to express mixed feelings.

“My kids, nephews, and nieces are too afraid of the truth to return my phone calls. If an AI bot wants to take its talk from me, least that’s someone who wants to hear about childless cat chow, or the radical left’s plans to give everybody healthcare,” said your enraged uncle while forking over $490 to Donald Trump’s campaign fund. “All this shows me is that Tampon Tim is some sort of foreign communist hacker. If he actually cared about American jobs he would have hired me or my friends to debate him, but he knows he couldn’t match wits with us. He would rather have a robot steal work from us.”

Trump’s running mate and frequent subject of mockery J.D. Vance dismissed Walz’s methodology.

“Look, if they have to create a bot to recreate the stories that I create out of thin air, so be it,” Vance said. “But a bot can’t sow its oats. A bot can’t write a forgettable memoir to be adapted into a forgettable Netflix movie. A chatbot can’t nail the impeccable comedic timing required to improvise jokes about racist soda, or exhibit the bare minimum social competency required to order donuts. And most importantly, a bot can’t platform a rumor about immigrants that spurs bomb threats for days.”

As of press time, no one has laughed at Vance’s “jokes,” and no weird stains have been identified on any furniture items in the broadcast center.

Concerned Cardiologist Still Attempting to Explain to Math Rock Guitarist That Arrhythmia Isn’t a Good Thing

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

CHICAGO — Exasperated cardiologist Dr. Everett Johnston is struggling to explain to his math rock guitarist patient that an arrhythmia, the irregular beating of the heart, is very much not a good thing, concerned sources reported.

“I’m at my wit’s end here. I keep telling this young man that this is a very serious medical condition and could potentially lead to heart failure, stroke, or shortness of breath after walking up a single flight of stairs. But instead of being worried, he’s very happy to hear about his newfound ailment,” said Dr. Johnston. “I even tried explaining it to him in a language he might understand, what with music and what not. His heart is beating like it’s constantly shuffling between the catalogs of American Football, Rush, and Slint. Honestly, he didn’t even seem fazed when I started humming Tool’s ‘Lateralus’ while using my stethoscope to listen to his heart.”

Patient and math rock guitarist Adrian Reyes, who has reported severe bouts of dizziness, chest pain, and sweating, was relieved to find out his diagnosis.

“Man, I was really worried for a second there. I thought the doctor would come out and tell me I have COVID or the cooties or something. Luckily, I just have arrhythmia, which number one, sounds like an extremely sick band name, and number two, means I was born to play math rock. It’s kinda like I’m that rain man guy from that movie ‘Rain Man,’” said an extremely detached Reyes. “But then the doctor started talking about some pacemaker bullshit and I’m like fuck that. They want me to ignore my unique and potentially fatal nature and replace my heart with some 4/4 radio-friendly pop country trash! No way man, I’d rather die than become a sell out.”

Researchers from Northwestern University have seen many cases similar to Reyes’ and have charted the trend across all musical genres.

“It’s a relatively new research area, but it’s one that’s unfortunately becoming more and more necessary. We’ve got teens who’ve showcased stable mental health patterns for years and all of a sudden, they start asking for Adderall and Vyvanse because they listened to the latest hyperpop record from Charli XCX,” said post-doctoral researcher Belinda Salz, rubbing her temples. “At this rate, I think we can call this an epidemic. Surprisingly, we’ve not heard any concerning reports coming from psych rock fans, but we feel this can be explained because they’re all probably already high as fuck on whatever mushrooms they grew in their sheds.”

At press time, Reyes was found sneaking into hospitals to hook himself up to an EKG machine to discover new tempos and time signatures for his band’s upcoming EP.

Inspiring: This Man is Willing to Do Anything for Custody Besides Be a Good Father

Posted on by Dom Turek

In a heartbreaking but all too common scene, a hardworking father adds a completely respectful amount of whiskey to his morning coffee in a mug that reads, “Best Dad Ever” but there are no children around. The once lively house filled with sounds of endless marital spats and children running from sight has become a shell, and he has no one to blame but everyone except himself. This is the life Lucas Holmes has built for himself.

From trying to undermine his youngest child’s relationship with his mother to making false claims about his ex-wife’s fidelity all over town, this empty nester has tried everything just short of telling his kids, “I love you and I care about you” to win their affections and prove his worth as a father.

Luckily, Lucas knows firsthand that growing up with a strong father figure has nothing to do with how much you love them. Growing up with a dad who uses you for emotional leverage and treats you as an option only makes you love them more and encourages you to spend your teen and adult years devising creative strategies to gain your parents’ attention. Some of a kid’s best memories are spent pulling dangerous stunts with the subconscious intention of receiving unconditional love.

Though he’s been accused by the courts and those closest to him of not spending enough quality time with his children, no one sees what he’s doing behind the scenes to secure full custody. What he lacks in quality time with his kids, he spends attaching quality tracking devices to his ex-wife’s car and stashing three hundred dollars worth of quality drugs in his ex’s work desk to frame her for possession.

Fighting dirty isn’t something to be proud of, but it’s common knowledge that courts always side with the mothers no matter how many times you pass your car’s breathalyzer interlocking device. Lucas is fighting tooth and nail against centuries of prejudiced attitudes formed against men who want sole custody of their children, and no one seems to give a damn.

It doesn’t help that they’re throwing the book at him left and right. Since when is missing a few child support payments illegal? Oh since the 1900s? His lawyer should’ve told him that. This is just another example of feminists gatekeeping obscure legal information that could help a father reunite with his boys, except for this weekend because he has a poker night planned with some friends.

National Archives Releases Documents Proving the Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight, Tonight” Moon Landing Was Faked

Posted on by Sidney Conant

WASHINGTON — The National Archives released an overwhelming collection of previously classified documents this morning proving that the moon landing from The Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight, Tonight” music video was faked, incredulous sources confirm.

“It is a great day when truth prevails against the lies told by powerful men, and today is perhaps the greatest day I’ve ever known,” said Melanie Collins, National Archives Director of Communications and Marketing. “In these 18,000 pages there exists insurmountable evidence that what has been fed to us since 1996 is little more than a fabrication used to win half a dozen MTV Video Music Awards. No spaceflight records from any government agency, that one guy in the video clearly being voice actor extraordinaire Tom Kenny, and does anyone else see the resemblance to that movie ‘Le Voyage dans la Lune’ by Georges Méliès? Seriously, it’s like a straight-up copy.”

The Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan provided his own side of the story.

“Years ago, our group created a falsehood that was ultimately very lucrative for my career, but I’d like to point out that it wasn’t my fault,” said Corgan while recording James Iha’s guitar track himself. “Those blowhards over at NASA were unwilling to compromise for my vision and wanted to have a team of so-called ‘professionals’ man the spacecraft from launch to landing. I would have had no input whatsoever in that scenario, so we had to settle with what ended up giving us a kind of worldwide recognition that has never once negatively impacted my mental health. And no, I will not be returning these trophies.”

Despite both the documentation and the testimony provided by the band themselves, some fans still remained skeptical.

“It honestly feels like the guys denying the moon landing are in the makings of a cult,” said lifelong fan Dominic Herrera, ironing a Homerpalooza t-shirt between swigs of Madame ZuZu’s Emperor’s Mint Meritage tea. “For decades, denialists have asked questions like, ‘How could they breathe up there without any helmets?’ or, ‘Do you really think the moon has a face, you idiot?’ and it pisses me off. Why can’t they just accept the first-hand experiences of the people that were actually there? Billy would never lie to us—I mean, except for today. But he had to do that to keep the peace.”

At press time, Corgan was heard saying that the video’s underwater segments were totally legitimate and that the octopus actually played drums for them when Jimmy Chamberlin briefly left the band.

Every Fucked Up Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Fucked Up are a hardcore punk band formed in 2001 in Toronto, and the best hardcore punk band of the 21st Century. They have always been a band prone to extremes—like writing, recording, mixing, and releasing an entire album from scratch in a 24-hour period, and then making it available for 24 hours (which, for that reason, won’t be covered below)—and whose thesis could be “Nothing is more pathetic than too much self-restraint.” Two notable things about the band are: first, frontman Damian Abraham, whose rabid, herniated snarl-bark makes Cujo seem comatose; and second, guitarist/producer/songwriter Mike Haliechuk, whose everything-at-once gluttonous production on FU albums would give Mr. Creosote pause. So let’s rub some stones together until magic comes out while we run down their records.

7. Glass Boys (2014)

Maybe making three impossibly over-top-top records in a row depleted them. Fucked Up’s fourth full-length finds them retreating to make 42 minutes of straight-ahead (melodic) hardcore punk. “Glass” offers some strong material, and Abraham gives his best-ever performance, sounding as if, like Tootles, he’s (finally) lost his goddamn marbles. Still, “Glass” feels and sounds like exhaustion. It’s oddly fitting, given the lyrical throughline is being a punk while getting old(er). Abraham’s impressively succinct writing allows him to express in four words the futility of trying to act younger: “Rapt attention / Turns malaise.” When he snarls “For a second it all made sense, but it fell apart,” it’s as if he’s shouting back time itself. Time doesn’t shatter like glass, but that didn’t stop the band from trying.

Play it again: “The Great Divide”
Skip it: “Warm Change”

6. Another Day (2024)

A sort-of sequel to “One Day” (see #3), FU’s newest album is their most optimistic. Perhaps because it wasn’t made under the severe restrictions as its older brother, “Another” is the more considered work. The production is brighter than “One,” with lead guitar often appearing as gleaming neon streaks. Abraham and Haliechuk again share lyric writing, with the former growing as a lyricist. He even comes close to writing like Abraham: “I’m clenching my arms around a guitar / Make music instead of a hole in the wall.” Abraham, meanwhile, can’t help but be a punk: “I watch in glee as that motherfucker grabs his chest / A tinge of jealousy that he’s the one who leaves this mess.” This is another solid effort, but it proved that FU works best when pushed to the edge.

Play it again: “Tell Yourself You Will”
Skip it: “House Lights”

5. Dose Your Dreams (2018)

FU’s second double-album rock opera is the band’s longest full-length to date, acting as an idea-dump of experiments akin to “Tusk” or “The Beatles.” This is still a punk record at its core, but there’s also heartland rock, trip-hop, dance-rock, shoegaze, industrial, and twee indie rock scattered across 82 minutes. It’s a (fun) mess, in other words. The narrative is equally messy: David from “David” (see #4) tries a mind-altering drug and winds up with a looser grip on reality than QAnon followers. Haliechuk steps in as chief lyricist, and while he’s a fine writer (“I found a path to God inside of this nothing-box / I’d sell my soul for that little wire, and I’ve found a buyer”), here he lacks Abraham’s wit and quotability. “Dose” works best as a sample platter, and you’ll get more mileage if you follow David’s lead.

Play it again: “Raise Your Voice Joyce”
Skip it: “Two I’s Closed”

4. David Comes to Life (2011)

The better double-album rock opera of the two. This is the closest they ever came to channeling The Who, and “David” is indeed their “Tommy.” Of course, this is Fucked Up we’re talking about, the batshit narrative has more misdirection than Apple Maps at launch, and the equally-batshit elevator pitch is (spoilers!): “Love Story” meets “The Truman Show” meets “Groundhog Day.” Even when Abraham is snarl-yelling about the titular character’s love and loss (“He knows that death is part of life / He would’ve made that girl his wife”), he still finds time for bitter humor (“Swans mate for life, or so I’ve heard / Which is fitting, because that shit’s for the birds”). The burning-bright cover art is apt, because they sounded burned out on the follow-up (see #7).

Play it again: “Turn the Season”
Skip it: “Let Her Rest”

3. One Day (2023)

Here, the band’s individual members wrote and recorded their respective parts in 24 hours. The result is a bright blast of spritely hardcore with minimal fat. This is their most fun and inviting record, featuring big hooks and a handful of their strongest melodies to date. Even when the lyrics—split between Abraham and Haliechuk—touch on, say, listlessness (“I used to think there was no way / For us to know which path to take / So I took the one that had me stay in place”), there’s inspiration in the shrugging acceptance of it all: “Each generation gives its traumas to the next / And they carry it.” “One Day” demonstrated that the band can throw together a better album than its peers in that amount of time.

Play it again: “Broken Little Boys”
Skip it: “Falling Right Under”

2. The Chemistry of Common Life (2008)

FU’s second album pulls a magic trick by doubling down on the bombasity of “Hidden World” while chopping off 20 minutes and being a sleeker version of its predecessor. “Chemistry” is, thus, a heavier record than their debut, even with two contemplative passages. Guitar overdubs aplenty envelop furious hardcore punk, making the album denser than a dying star. The lyrical theme is the frustration of religion and spirituality: “The hubris of the fallacy that only God can judge me / Was it only arrogance, or were we simply that naive?” Abraham’s superb writing on the topic is angry without being cynical, and he vomits out the best couplet of 2008: “It’s hard enough being born in the first place / Who would ever want to be born again?” “Chemistry” proved that Fucked Up don’t need the capacity of a CD to make an expansive piece of art.

Play it again: “Magic Word”
Skip it: “Looking for God”

1. Hidden World (2006)

On FU’s debut LP, they stopped being a singles band and became an album band; they died and were born again, to borrow from the record’s lyrics. Here, they declared war—on punk, on their own future, on critics. Or as Abraham puts it: “Cut down all the forest trees / Search the horizon for what is now seen.” There are quick-ish songs driven by a coupl’a chords repeated ad infinitum, sure, but three-quarters of “Hidden” is made up of songs that are five to nine minutes and feature proggy interludes, orchestration, and arena rock leads. The result is 72 minutes of anthemic prog-punk played with Hulk-smash energy and intensity. To call this punk would seem to test the tensile strength of language itself. Then again, nothing’s more punk than breaking all the fuckin’ rules.

Play it again: “Triumph of Life”
Skip it: the final third of “Vivian Girls”

25 Worst Foo Fighters Songs To Play During Your Marriage Counseling Session

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Marriages can be so difficult that nearly 50% of them end in divorce. Because you and your spouse don’t want to become another depressing statistic, you’ve decided to work through your differences with your new marriage counselor, Gerry. He’s a pretty laid-back therapist. Even though your spouse prefers silence, he has allowed you to play some music during your sessions to help calm your nerves.

You’re a big fan of Foo Fighters, and you’ve always found Dave Grohl’s romantic lyricism to be one of the few keys that unlock your soul. Before you start picking out some of their tracks to express your deepest feelings, here are 25 you should consider avoiding. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

25. “The Last Song”

Even though Gerry said this is a safe space, it’s still pretty jarring that you brought your 100W JBL Partybox into his office. Don’t make it worse by playing a rowdy song that suggests you’re ready to throw in the towel before the session even starts. If you must play it, at least turn it down. There’s already been enough shouting.

24. “Statues”

This is a marriage counseling session, so it’s best to pick songs that fit the theme. While ‘Statues’ does mention growing old with someone, it’s pretty bleak with its mentions of death and unremarkable lives. This would make more sense to play in a grief counseling session or maybe even hospice. Just don’t play it here, it’ll bum everyone out.

23. “White Limo”

We’ve listened to this song a few times now, and for the life of us we can’t figure out what the hell it’s about. We think it could be about a fractured relationship, but we’re not sure what the lines about limos and Day-Glo thongs are referencing. Since communication is vital in these situations, it might be best to skip this one in favor of a song with less abstract metaphors.

22. “You Should Be Dancing”

We get it. This is a tough time, and you’re desperately trying to lighten the mood. Everyone thought Foo Fighters’ post-pandemic era Bee Gees covers album was hilarious after being stuck in our homes and losing all sense of reality. Should be a no brainer, right? Wrong. This is no time for dancing and even less of a time for Grohl’s terrible falsetto.

21. “Monkey Wrench”

Gerry sometimes likes to use the metaphor of an ‘emotional toolbox’ during his sessions. In this scenario, the ‘monkey wrench’ represents the words you will use to fix the ‘pipe’ that is leaking your unresolved emotions. Needless to say, this song will probably come off as rude to him. If you don’t like his silly word games, just tell him.

20. “Holding Poison”

This song seems to suggest that it’s a good idea to hold in all of your negative feelings until you implode. Though Dave says in the song that ‘there ain’t nothing’ he can do about it, Gerry has told you repeatedly to talk about your emotional state. These sessions are like… $900 an hour so it’s important you don’t waste them by not listening. If you put this song on, you’ll only reinforce the belief that your poor spending habits are ruining the family.

19. “Subterranean”

One of the larger issues involved with letting Dave Grohl speak on your behalf is that he can be a bit dramatic at times. ‘Subterranean’ is a great example of this. You and your spouse have been married for over a decade. Do you really want to suggest that they don’t know you, damn well they don’t? If you have to put an asterisk next to a song choice, it’s best to just skip and move on.

18. “Sunday Rain”

It’s important and even healthy to voice your disappointment. If you’re going to go with poetry, though, at least pick some that makes sense. We’re not sure what the fuck Dave means by ‘Sunday Rain’ or why he’s drowning in it, but we’re pretty sure it’s a personal thing. Find your own words and make them relevant to the situation.

17. “Run”

Strong relationships aren’t all about attachment styles, but you just so happen to be avoidant as fuck, you withholding asshole. While the sentiment behind this song might seem romantic, your problems won’t magically go away no matter how far you run from them. Feel your feelings for once in your life.

16. “Next Year”

While this is certainly one of the more soothing tracks in Foo Fighters’ discography, it doesn’t really bode confidence for your marriage to suggest that you’ll be taking off only to return at an unspecified time during the following year. Also, this reeks of the “Scrubs” soundtrack. This isn’t “Scrubs”. This is real life.

15. “Tired Of You”

Ugh. The entire reason you entered marriage counseling was because you both are exhausted with each other. Since actions speak louder than words, this one will ring a bit hollow. Your spouse likely won’t appreciate the promise of continued lies and bad news to boot.

14. “Another Round”

On the surface, you might think this one is a romantic plea to a distant lover. Well, buddy, we took half a creative writing class six years ago and we’re sad to say this is not the case. When closely examined, ‘Another Round’ seems to depict a codependent relationship. You don’t want to give Gerry more to examine about you than he already has.

13. “I’ll Stick Around”

Modern beliefs regarding partnerships strive to eschew the idea of ownership and emotional debt. This is irrelevant, though, because you still haven’t come up with a good explanation for the $3,000 that suddenly disappeared from your joint bank account. Somehow no one has brought this up during the session. Don’t invite the topic with a song that repeatedly says ‘I don’t owe you anything.’

12. “Have It All”

While intimacy and sexual chemistry are important components to discuss in any couple’s therapy session, it’s important to be professional. For this reason, ‘Have It All’ might be a bit too steamy for this session. In fact, it’s borderline disgusting and might get you banned from the office indefinitely.

11. “Weenie Beenie”

When you get flustered in situations like these, you have a tendency to babble incoherently. It’s part of the reason your spouse suggested counseling in the first place. Putting this nonsense song on is a surefire way to let everyone in the room know you have no intention of working on this quirk.

10. “What Did I Do?/God As My Witness”

The purpose of these sessions is not to point blame, but to empathetically explain actions and discover patterns behind problematic behavior. That being said, everyone here knows exactly what you did. Since you’re already on thin ice, it’s best to quit denying the obvious and skip this extremely acerbic song.

9. “Wind Up”

When Gerry suggests that perhaps your fear of intimacy is rooted in your unresolved feelings of inadequacy, your first instinct might be to punch his lights out. Unfortunately, this is not your best recourse as evidenced by last week’s session. Playing this track is only going to make everyone think you haven’t learned how to control your anger.

8. “M.I.A”

While it’s generally good to acknowledge your flaws openly and honestly like Dave does in this song, you sometimes take it too far… like Dave does in this song. Even if you don’t mean it, it’s never a good idea to suggest you’re planning to go missing during a crisis such as this.

7. “DOA”

Everyone knows you don’t want to be here, but there’s no need to be so dramatic about it. Playing a song that states ‘no one’s getting out of here alive’ will change the trajectory of this session quickly and in a bad way. In this context, you might as well be yelling ‘bomb’ on an airplane. In other words, don’t.

5. “Erase/Replace”

It’s okay and even encouraged to be confrontational when your feelings are at stake. If you don’t stand up for yourself, no one will. Still, there’s a fine line between confrontational and delusional and this song crosses it within the first pre-chorus. If you’re trying to allude that you have the emotional intelligence of a toddler, put it on. Otherwise stay far away from this one.

4. “Enough Space”

First off, who the hell is Lily? Secondly, the first time you admitted to an affair you were sleepwalking and also talking nonsense about UFOs and shit. It’s a safe bet that you don’t want to remind anyone of that. Lastly… seriously, who the fuck is Lily?

3. “Hell”

You might think of including this one because the guitars and melody sound pretty upbeat and most of these sessions have been such downers. You might want to give the lyrics a once over first. We hope you’ll come to the conclusion that someone repeatedly scream-singing ‘see you in Hell’ is inappropriate. Just in case you don’t though: playing a song where Dave repeatedly screams ‘see you in Hell’ is inappropriate.

3. “Bridge Burning”

Listen, everyone is here to help repair the bridge between you and your spouse. Putting this defensive ass song on will certainly derail all hope of that happening. Remember, it’s you, your spouse, and Gerry, we guess, against the problem. No one is trying to make a bonfire out of your charred corpse as this song suggests.

2. “Love Dies Young”

This is the absolute opposite of the vibe your counselor is attempting to cultivate here. It’s melodramatic and counterproductive. Maybe there’s a Foo Fighters song called ‘Love Lasts Forever Despite Some Roadblocks Along The Way.’ We don’t have time to research, but if that song exists, play it instead.

1. “All My Life”

If you want to sound like a crazed lunatic with drinking problems, or even worse, just a total brat, go ahead and put this one on. Let’s see how your spouse or Gerry reacts to the suggestion that you can just pick up and go to the next greatest love of your life. Just for clarity, we’re being sarcastic. Social cues are something you’ll work on in next week’s solo session.

Listen to the playlist:

Local Punk Venue Introduces World’s First No-Ply Toilet Paper

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

RAPID CITY, S.D. — Local punk venue The Pukebox has somehow invented the world’s first “no-ply” toilet paper as a courtesy to their guests, sources in the bathroom report.

“I pregamed at home, then ate some Wendy’s chili I found in my friend’s car, and dropped a massive deuce during the opening set. I had grabbed a handful of toilet paper, but when I went to wipe I got nothing but my hand. It was so weird,” said local punk Steven Hoffner. “It dissolved like cotton candy in your mouth. Tried it again, same thing. By then I heard the band was doing an Aus-Rotten cover, so I just credit carded the rest with my fingers and ran back out there. Didn’t even wash my hands or anything.”

The Pukebox owner Larry Runnels says he’s proud to be at the forefront of sanitation at punk venues.

“We take health and safety very seriously at The Pukebox. Sure, it looks like a festering shithole, but that’s just the aesthetic. We also developed a hand soap that feels just like water. Some people have said we just fill the dispensers with water, but those are baseless accusations from people who prefer gooey soap. The rumors that we mop up puke, wring out the alcohol then sell it back to customers at half price are outrageous as well–we would never sell anything at half price.”

Microbiologist Stephanie Laroque has studied punk venues for years as an easy way to access various germs, bacterias, and diseases for her research.

“Oh yeah, punk shows offer the ideal habitat for germs to thrive in their natural environment. Even more so than a controlled laboratory,” said Laroque. “These dives have effectively never been sanitized, so we can really see how these things develop without the presence of antibacterial cleaners. Every square foot of your average punk venue has nearly unlimited data on germs, bacteria, fungi, mold, and so on. Our industry owes a lot to disgusting punks and piece of shit venue owners, for sure.”

At press time, Runnels was seen cleaning pint glasses with a dirty diaper he found in the alley.