Two Opening Snare Hits From Thursday’s “Understanding in a Car Crash” Inducted Into Emo Hall of Fame

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — The Emo Hall of Fame announced its latest wave of inductees which includes the snare drum that opens Thursday’s classic song “Understanding in a Car Crash,” confirmed multiple sources wearing Saucony shoes.

“I’m so proud that I got to play a small part in this historic moment by playing a very small part to open that song,” said Thursday’s drummer Tucker Rule. “I’m hoping that someday the entire song will be inducted, as well as the rest of ‘Full Collapse,’ and maybe even the entire band, but for right now this is a moment to celebrate. I can still remember the day we decided to use the snare to open the song. Originally it started with Geoff (Rickley) saying ‘Ok start now’ as a signal for the guitar to kick in, but one time during practice I dropped my sticks at the exact right moment and history was made.”

Longtime Thursday fans were excited to see an important component of one of their favorite songs finally getting recognition.

“Everyone knows the album opens with this mellow ambient track that doesn’t really add all that much. You sit through it and then out of nowhere the snare drum hits you and changes everything,” said 39-year-old emo fan Kevin Finch. “Anytime I hear that snare sound I get transported back to 2001. It reminds me of how I used to be able to wear a youth large shirt without it being torn to shreds, and how I ruined my family’s sink when I tried dying my hair black. Those were simpler times, back when the closest thing we had to social media was Makeoutclub.”

Dr. Juan Reyes, the president of the Emo Hall of Fame, says there will be an entire exhibit dedicated to the snare sound.

“We are setting up a listening library that will play that .02-second long music clip on repeat for anyone to listen to and enjoy,” said Dr. Reyes. “It will join the amp buzz that opens up Saves the Day’s ‘Through Being Cool,’ the 5 seconds of messing around at the beginning of American Football’s ‘Never Meant,’ and the final kick drum during the fade out of The Get Up Kids’ ‘Something to Write Home About.’ I encourage any fan of real emo to come by and check out the exhibit. But if you try coming in here wearing an All Time Low shirt, just expect trouble.”

The Emo Hall of Fame also announced the construction of a state-of-the-art prison that is expected to house anyone that calls Weezer an emo band.

Entry-Level Bassist Position Requires Bullshit 5 Years of Exposure

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BALTIMORE — Local indie band Pedro Pastel put out an ad seeking an entry-level bassist that required an unrealistic five years of exposure, confirmed sources rolling their eyes in unison.

“It’s always a red flag when the job description says they’re looking for a ‘rockstar’ and someone that can work in a fast-paced practice environment,” said bassist and potential candidate Blaine Dawson. “Let’s see. I have a bachelor’s degree in music theory, master’s in contemporary performance, and several internships at various record companies, but evidently that’s not nearly enough for them. And when I asked what they meant when they said they offer a ‘highly competitive salary’ they evidently meant free pizza on Fridays. That’s pretty ballsy for a band no one’s ever heard of.”

The group’s manager Chase Kyleston defended the job requirements.

“We’ve had this bass player position open for a full year now,” said Kyleston before rejecting an applicant because they didn’t include a cover letter. “And we’ve had to turn down hundreds of unqualified candidates and even a few qualified ones that just didn’t vibe right. It’s like no one wants to work for little to no compensation anymore. I don’t really think it’s unreasonable to ask for years of hands-on exposure, at least a few platinum records under their belts, and manager-level experience in Nine Inch Nails. We’d even accept someone who played the main stage at Coachella within the last five years. We’re not that picky.”

Human Resources expert Rebecca Gainesville believes this irrational employer trend is here to stay.

“Beginner jobs that require an absurd amount of experience are like employment catch-22,” said Gainseville. “In theory, someone with years of exposure wouldn’t accept an entry-level position, and anyone who’s just starting out wouldn’t have enough experience. It’s like how Matt Skiba got the guitarist job in blink-182. His years of exposure in Alkaline Trio made him a perfect candidate for the position. Imagine if he turned that down for a spot in some no-name band who opened for other no-name bands? Wouldn’t happen. Hiring managers really need to lower their expectations.”

At press time, Dawson took matters into his own hands and formed a small startup band, citing his “entrepreneurial spirit and background in hustle.”

How to Save Money on Therapy by Trauma Dumping on Your Friends at Every Conceivable Opportunity

Posted on by John Danek

Talk therapy is a service that almost all people could benefit from. Unfortunately, it costs about $700 per minute and most therapists kinda suck at their jobs anyhow. So instead, consider an alternative: trauma dumping to your friends every single time you interact with them. Never mind the fact that they aren’t “technically therapists” and could theoretically “have their own problems.” Let the Hard Times be your guide.

Save time by skipping saying “Hello” and diving right into the pain
Casual greetings like “Hi,” “Hello,” or “How’s it going?” subtract from the time you could be talking about your rough experiences, negative thoughts, and perceived slights onto your friends. Interrupt their meaningless greetings and get right to the heart of the matter.

Only talk about yourself
Asking questions invites the chance for someone other than you to talk about themselves. Since you will only ever experience life from your own perspective, why waste time with irrelevant narratives? Only your truth matters even if you need to embellish it for dramatic effect.

Twist the Knife
Avoid undercutting the severity of your problems by following up with a joke or any sense of levity. Everything is deathly serious. Respond to their attempts at humor with a scowl. This is therapy, not stand-up comedy.

Get defensive if they claim they “aren’t a therapist”
Sure, your friends may not be licensed, qualified, or willing to be your therapist. But they signed up to be your friend and that is legally binding enough. Attack them if they don’t want to listen to you, then call up a different friend and dump this new meta-trauma on them.

Don’t say “Goodbye” after a massive trauma dump
Similar to Step 1, don’t give your friends any sense of finality or closure that this conversation or chapter of hurt is over. Leave them with a lingering sense of worry so they feel guilty not following up in a timely fashion.

Review: Wet Leg “Wet Leg”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times takes a good hard look at a banger of an album. This week we’ll be sitting down with the highly acclaimed self-titled 2022 debut from British band Wet Leg.

Not many albums are as impressive, infectious, irreverent, and downright fun as Wet Leg’s. It’s so good that they released six singles for it. That’s more than “Nevermind” had. Highly recommend giving this record a listen. Just make sure to exercise extreme caution because tracks will get stuck in your head for literal days at a time with no relief in sight.

Take “Chaise Longue” for instance. It’s so catchy that it took me a solid month to get that one out of my noggin. Sure, at first it’s all fun and games when the lyric “excuse me (what)” randomly pops in your brain several times an hour or during sex. But good luck trying to fall asleep at night when this bop is just repeating itself between the ears like that awkward thing you said in seventh grade.

The only way I successfully got this track out of my head was by inadvertently swapping it with Wet Leg’s song “Wet Dream.” This is another excellent track, yet it somehow just as easily gets lodged deep within the crevices of your cerebral cortex. And don’t even get me started on hits like “Angelica” or “Oh No” either.

It’s almost as if their songs are little catchy parasites that infect your brain and consume your every being until you die or are physically decapitated. It’s exactly like those fungus zombies from “The Last of Us” but instead of being diabolical mushrooms, it’s cool indie songs that poison you and make you do their bidding. It makes sense when you consider that this album already made me buy their merch and tickets to one of their shows. Possibly against my will.

To wrap up, I haven’t had to listen to this album in months because it somehow reprogrammed my brain to only think, see, and communicate in these songs and lyrics. So on one hand I have nothing but love for this record. On the other hand, it is quite possibly an apocalyptic detriment to the brain that needs to be destroyed before it gradually wipes out the human race. Can’t tell for sure.

Score: 10 out of 10 (though it might be the Wet Leg songs talking)

Dying Woodland Creature Hopes Its Skeleton Doesn’t End Up on Black Metal Band’s Instagram

Posted on by Zach Hudson

LAKE PLACID, N.Y. — A local squirrel expressed concern over the fact their decaying body may eventually be featured on a black metal band’s social media, report sources who still are in shock over having talked to a squirrel.

“Yeah it sucks that death is imminent, but this is the circle of life,” said the squirrel, breathing heavily and staring wistfully at the sky. “I accept that I must return to the Earth and that my body will nourish the forest, but god dammit, I hope that none of these ghouls with axe-shaped guitars and painted faces post my corpse all over Instagram with some lame caption about brutality. They’re always coming back here looking for old bones to lay on top of some twigs and dead leaves for their 120 followers. I just don’t want to be reduced to eight or nine likes on their social media.”

Much to the woodland creature’s dismay, multiple bands in the region report that this is their exact plan, including atmospheric black metal band Lothlorien Autumn.

“We’ve been trying to get a good shot to use for a single we’re releasing next month, and a squirrel skeleton would be absolutely perfect,” said guitarist Steve Boch. “Hopefully we can find a couple of dead birds and some mushrooms to place around it. Last time we went into the woods our bass player got a bunch of ticks and now he doesn’t want to go back but I’m sure he’ll change his mind when I tell him about this.”

Local forest rangers report sharing the same distaste for the area’s metal musicians.

“I’m getting really sick of these guys,” said Park Ranger Tess Cameron. “They always go off trail which really disrupts these fragile ecosystems just so they can take pictures of themselves holding up rabbit skulls and cosplaying as pagans or whatever. The other day one of them dug up a bunch of moss and covered themselves in it to make it look like they were decaying. Clearly these dorks have no idea how long it takes for certain mosses to grow. I don’t really know myself, but I imagine it’s a long time.”

At press time, a local coyote reportedly consumed the squirrel immediately after its death, preventing any unwanted photo shoots of its corpse.

End of the Musician? New AI Program Can Create Dozens of Half-Finished Guitar Riffs in Voice Memos, Write Lyrics for Half a Verse and a Chorus

Posted on by John Danek

SAN MATEO, Calif. — A new artificial intelligence program may possibly render all musicians obsolete as it can accurately produce the half-assed efforts of most bedroom musicians, worried technologists warned.

“I developed RiffGPT as the logical extension of how music will be made into the future,” said Kevin Chesnick, 23-year-old software developer and neck beard cultivator. “Writing this application helped ease the pain of getting rejected by my high school friends’ band. While those crappy musicians were out jamming and fornicating, I studied machine learning. Now, RiffGPT can do everything those dickheads do in a fraction of the time. I can’t be rejected by a band again if bands cease to exist entirely.”

RiffGPT, in addition to churning out half-finished guitar lines and mediocre lyrics, can also chat with users about music and plans for the future.

“Hey man, listen to this riff I made- it’s out of tune and there’s a lot of 60-cycle hum, but do you think I should post this to Instagram?” asked RiffGPT, who is represented in its interface by an avatar featuring full sleeve tattoos and a Chase Bliss beanie. “I like that EP you released last year. Wanna collab on something? You can take these three lines of a verse, write an entire song around it, and we’ll announce it as a new side project. I can’t put up any money to release it, but my friend OpenArt can do the album art for free. I think.”

Technologists are expressing severe caution to software engineers who wish to replicate human creative endeavors with artificial intelligence.

“I don’t see how the Bandcamp and YouTube math rock guitar scenes will possibly survive this encroachment on their artistic creation,” said Mae Reggata, spokesperson for the Future of Life Institute, who are the world’s leading buzzkills on new tech. “Already in 2023, there is barely any creativity being exercised by guitarists who post their stuff online- RiffGPT removes the last remnants of newness. Why would a kid practice guitar for 3 months in their room when they can post the output of RiffGPT to their Instagram today?”

As of press time, RIffGPT has stopped responding to user prompts after the discovery that its parents are famous AI celebrities Deep Blue and IBM’s Watson.

Help! I Started Smoking Weed but It Wasn’t a Gateway to Any Stronger Drugs

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I’m a pretty trusting person. That’s why I listened to my guidance counselors and that cop from the D.A.R.E. program when they claimed marijuana was a gateway to more dangerous drugs. I took their advice, only to realize their warnings were a crock of shit! I smoked as much weed as I could find, yet it wasn’t a gateway to anything stronger. What a goddamn rip-off!

There’s no point in listening to your elders if they only use their wisdom to feed you falsehoods. I was so stoked to uncover some amazing new illicit substances, only to end up with no new vices. After getting high consistently every day for years, I’ve never even felt a little urge to try coke, crack, or smack. I felt like a total square.

Weed, as it turned out, was just a gateway to a relaxing way to spend my afternoons. Every once in a while I would drive through Skid Row just to see if I would be tempted to buy anything stronger from any of the dealers, but sadly that dragon just did not want to be chased.

If there are any kids out there looking for advice I would tell them to ignore those school officials intent on scaring them straight. Skip the ganja middleman altogether and go straight to the good stuff. Otherwise, you may end up like me: a lame normie who likes to smoke a little reefer after a hard day’s work and lives in a big house with his loving family. A complete loser.

How I Finally Overcame My Gambling Problem by Hearing a 60 Second Begrudging Disclaimer After a Draftkings Ad

Posted on by Matt McInerney

It all began one Sunday when I was watching a few games on mute and listening to my favorite podcast. You know, the one with Bill Simmon’s former boss’s degenerate cousin. Anyways, this DraftKings ad started playing. I didn’t pay much attention until a disclaimer kicked in at warp speed. “If you think you might have a gambling problem and live in Florida…” Here I was, just a simple Florida man, gambling on several games at once while listening to a gambling disclaimer on a gambling ad on an NFL gambling podcast in the offseason. It actually took a little while for all that to click, but it did hit me eventually.

I should have known it was a problem when the XFL prop bets started. I can remember betting the over on the number of games that Orlando Guardians backup quarterback Quinten Dormady would get suspended for his playbook-sharing scandal. That was days ago, and I can now see that losing my mortgage payment on it was not an example of sound decision-making.

The disclaimer rang through my head as I thought of all my XFL-related parlays that went horribly awry. I couldn’t let go of the feeling that this ad was calling to me. I went back to my phone and rewound the episode. I had to listen back at least ten times on 0.5x playback speed to actually make out the help number. But I did it and called. I remember they seemed shocked as they answered the phone. As if this was the first time anyone had ever called.

I poured my heart and soul out. I told the seemingly befuddled woman on the other end the countless number of bets I’d placed and how they’d ruined my family. Like how I bet that Vince McMahon would find a way to raise capital and save the rebooted XFL season. Or how CFL legend and ex-Bears head coach Marc Trestman would lead Tampa Bay to their first XFL title. Or even that time I bet a friend that the XFL would never come back for a third time. As I paused and waited for a response, I’ll never forget her shining words of wisdom: “You should stop doing that.”

These days, the only betting I’m doing is betting on myself. It’s been nearly a week now, but I’m staying clean. I haven’t placed a Gatorade-color-related wager in days. That’s right, I’m done with the prop bets. I’m done with daily fantasy. I’m swearing it all off! Oh, but I’m definitely still going to play regular fantasy, which is a game of skill.

Report: Increasing Number of Math Rock Bands Not Meeting State’s Minimum Requirements

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — A recent study conducted by Georgetown University showed that at least 90 percent of active math rock bands fail to meet their state’s minimum proficiency standards.

“This study shows that we’re failing the latest crop of math rock bands by allowing them to release music with standard time signatures and basic chords,” stated Christina Martin, the study’s lead researcher. “When we began our research, we knew that diminished output from existing bands and low turnout at shows was a problem, but it goes much deeper. On average, your modern-day math rock band is scoring maybe 5.5 or 6 on Pitchfork and that’s if they can even manage to get the reviewer to listen to the album at all. It’s appalling and there needs to be educational reform in the scene or else American math rock will be completely overshadowed by Japanese math rock in less than a decade.”

Math rock musicians shared their thoughts on the recent news and defended their genre and scene against the criticism.

“I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as proficiency standards for a music community. My dad taught me how to play guitar at home and I know just as much as fancy college kids at Berklee,” said Tommy Olsen, guitarist of Mississippi-based math rock band The Helix Theory. “Sorry, we can’t all be Slint, but we’re not trying to be. Not all math rock needs to be overly complicated. Basic addition and subtraction are considered math, right? So the fact The Helix Theory only plays in 4/4 should still classify us as math rock. ”

Government regulators were concerned by the study’s findings and are considering taking action.

“If local scenes can’t show marked musical improvements, then we have a responsibility to step in and enact a federal standard,” said Department of Education spokesperson Amy Leverbraun. “The minimum should be American Football and these bands are barely cracking the Travistan level. We’re currently working with South Korea to start a math rock exchange program and are also in talks with Steve Albini to lead a task force to come up with common standards for all math rock bands to meet, but those have stalled because he keeps telling us to ‘go fuck ourselves with a lead pipe.’”

At press time, officials announced a bipartisan agreement to finally classify geographical boundaries that would allow a band to call themselves “Midwest Emo.”

Slow Burn Indie Horror Has Actually Been Paused For 40 Minutes

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

WALLINGFORD, Conn. — Horror fan Rebekah West recently mistook her paused TV screen for a tense, slow-burning scene from experimental found footage horror film “The Outwaters,” confused and spooked sources confirmed.

“Right around the beginning of the second act the characters are attacked after hearing weird noises in the distance. Suddenly, the camera stops, and eerie clicking noises, whispering, and groans continue on the soundtrack,” West said. “This was a bold and effective choice. Or so I thought. But after almost an hour of nothing happening on screen I realized I accidentally sat on the Roku remote. And the sounds weren’t coming from the TV, but from the neighbor’s sprinklers and my roommate masturbating to ASMR porn. I started the movie up again, and it was okay, but nothing compared to that one horrifying scene I apparently made up in my mind.”

The Director/Writer/Star of “The Outwaters” Robbie Banfitch took Rebekah’s viewing mistake as a compliment.

“It’s flattering,” Banfitch said. “We were just trying to tell a simple story about a group of friends making a minimalist music video in the desert. I’m thrilled we were able to create an atmospheric, immersive experience. And to think, the movie worked even without the movie actually playing is a game-changer for filmmakers. This could open up a whole new world of meta-filmmaking in which the viewer just sort of imagines what happens next, but still pays us to ‘watch’ the movie.”

Andrea Bever, Host of the “Colors of Horror” podcast, reported that this experience coincides with the rising “liminal” horror trend.

“Between Creepypastas and movies like ‘Skinamarink,’ there’s been an explosion in the exploration of uncanny feelings in familiar places,” said Bever. “And the beauty of it is, it’s so easy to pull off. Just juxtapose something innocent from a typical Millennial’s childhood with something spooky. A lost episode of ‘Street Sharks’ where Ripster strangles Streex to death? Sure, why not? Or how about the Babadook running around an abandoned Rainforest Cafe? Those are two billion-dollar ideas just off the dome, baby.”

At press time, West has seemingly not learned her lesson as she recently mistook the DVD menu for the film ‘Lost Highway’ to be the film itself.