We learned everything we needed to know about dinosaurs from “Jurassic Park.” We learned that velociraptors are clever girls, that Wayne Knight could scream, “We’ve got Dodgson here!” and no one would care, and most importantly, that a T-Rex had vision based on movement only. But did you know there is an even more terrifying predator with the exact opposite impairment?
My boss will not acknowledge you in any way unless she sees that you are not working. At first I thought she was just a huge jerk, but it’s been so consistent I’ve begun to realize it’s an actual physiological condition. The woman literally cannot see you unless you are not actively working, and if you’re staying busy, you’re not in her field of vision. Just like a T-Rex, but in reverse. And it’s as stressful as it sounds.
What’s more, nobody on the staff told me when I first got hired. I’m sorry, that’s not something you just casually forget to mention! But I get it, HR probably knows if they warn people about something like that in the interview, it’s over.
After I had spent my first day training with the internet sales manager, Terry, I had a few moments where I was just sitting at my desk, absorbing everything I had learned, kind of just staring off into space, when she finally noticed me and introduced herself as the CEO. After, as she was walking away, she turned around and said, “You can tell Terry you’re here and start your training.” It was a little confusing.
It’s hard to believe that nature would produce such a strange adaptation. It doesn’t seem like only seeing people not moving is an evolutionary advantage. It’s certainly not an effective management strategy. Life finds a way, I guess.
The break room is where she seems to have most of her conversations, or want to talk about your work performance. Everyone understands her condition, but it makes it extra difficult to get a moment’s peace. And it’s a little passive-aggressive when she says the only time she sees you is in the break room doing nothing, when that’s literally the only time she can see you.
Apparently, the only employee she never sees is the janitor. I can’t tell you how many times she’s asked around to upper management, or even random employees, if we even have one.
There are, of course, ways to stay off her radar. A lot of employees have started putting plastic cups of water on their desks and then looking for that familiar “shimmer” in the liquid as her footsteps get closer. One staff member went a step further and put a rear-view mirror backwards on their desk to see her as she approached. If you see her in time, you just open a spreadsheet, and she’ll walk right by you.
Everyone’s just getting desperate now, so the gloves are off. Because after a year of her only seeing employees when they’re not working, she’s getting more relentless. It was rumored she’d had enough one day and just fired the accounting manager for taking a shit. Her reasoning was “All the guy does is shit!”
The staff has collectively come to the conclusion the only way to get her off our scent is to actually be productive. But we were so preoccupied with whether or not we could, we didn’t stop to think if we should.
Oh, she also has giant arms that come out of her back.
