Conservative Men Use Empty Melania Theaters for Grindr Hookups

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Multiple D.C. area movie theaters say Republican members of Congress and congressional staffers have begun using empty screenings of “Melania,” a documentary about first lady Melania Trump, as informal meeting places for anonymous sexual encounters.

“I’ve never felt so free!” A Republican congressman, who agreed to speak anonymously, exclaimed and further detailed, “Usually I have to wait till the national convention for this kind of privacy and action, but these theaters are fucking empty! I’m at the Gallery Place Regal around lunch time, fooling around with a tourist, fast forward a few hours later, and I’m at a matinee at the AMC in Georgetown, hooking up with some guy named like Enrique that has no idea I want to deport him. It’s the ultimate high. Plus, I am still home by 8 to say prayers with my wife, Sarah, and my daughters. Oh, you know what, please take out the Sarah and daughters part.”

Theater staff seem generally unbothered but still mildly uncomfortable with the repurposing of the theater space. 

“Two guys in red MAGA hats and cross necklaces just going to town on each other is not something we normally deal with, but for the most part, they are polite and clean up after themselves except for a few popcorn buckets with very small holes cut out of the bottom,” said Scott Colby, a theater employee and local college student. “The flirting in the lobby gets real bizarre, like some guy in one of those weird Dan Bongino trench coats kept asking this other guy if he was ready to take Greenland, pretty sure he had to be naked under the trench coat, right?”

An expert on movie cult phenomena, Elizabeth Hines, wasn’t surprised by the development. 

“It’s fascinating to watch such a vast film cult develop in real time. I was there when throwing spoons at “The Room” became a thing, but this is next level. These duplicitous closeted men have even started doing Rocky Horror style callouts, like shouting “Oh my God I’m gonna cum!” during the Michael Jackson sing-along. It may become the most frequented but never-watched movie in cinema history, and Melania Trump may become the first true icon for closeted god-fearing gay men. She’s like their Cher now.”

After realizing the documentary flopped, Donald Trump Jr. has assembled a think tank, mostly his coolest cocaine dealers, to revitalize Moviepass, rebrand it as a hookup app, and monetize on this moment. 

Pete Hegseth’s Office to Appear on Latest Episode of ‘Bar Rescue’

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — An upcoming episode of “Bar Rescue” will see gastropub mogul John Taffer attempt to rehabilitate Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s office, confirmed sources.

“The office somehow has 12 beers on tap, a boutique winery, and a fully operating distillery in the corner. Not to mention it’s in a prime location with a jukebox full of REO Speedwagon,” said Taffer. “But Pete was passed out under his desk and there were vomit stains all over the carpet. He needs to fully rebrand if he wants to run a successful U.S. government office. That’s where I come in. This isn’t an economy problem, it’s a management problem — and I’m gonna get to the bottom of it!”

Barback and U.S. government intern Chase Murphy believes that, without Taffer’s intervention, Hegseth’s office could be forced to close its doors.

“It feels like we’re working our hardest to keep the Department of Defense running, but Pete’s fighting us at every turn. He’s drinking more than we sell, letting his weird buddies open huge tabs. The list goes on,” said Murphy. “The rebrand just killed any kind of momentum we had. The Department of Defense was a D.C. staple, and our old regulars weren’t ready for the change at all. Everything has just been poorly rolled out, like he’s not even trying. I’m just tired. We’re all tired.”

Hegseth has a different view on the bar’s success.

“I wanted to rename this place the ‘Department of War.’ I already had a neon sign made and everything. I also want to install a dart board and foosball table but Taffer said no,” said Hegseth. “Taffer is a low rate con-man, and his show’s ratings are awful. My office is the best place to drink in D.C., and fake news outlets like the Paramount Network have spent millions trying to defame me. They’re sending Taffer to tell me that I don’t know how to run my office or that I shouldn’t drink on the job. It’s another classic hit job from the legacy media. The American people are sick and tired of seeing Hollywood media elites tell New York City media elites that they aren’t qualified to run a trillion-dollar military industrial complex.”

When contacted for a follow-up, Hegseth’s office said that the Secretary of Defense is unavailable for standing up from his chair.

If You Have What It Takes To Be Ink Master, You’ll Have No Problem Putting This Foghat Tattoo on My Scrotum

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When I signed up to be a human canvas on this show, it was with the understanding that I would be worked on by the best of the best. I’m sick of so-called “artists” who are either unable or unwilling to give me what I want. So no, I’m not interested in changing the subject matter or the placement. If you really have what it takes to be Ink Master, you’ll be able to put this Foghat tattoo on my scrotum.

So what’s it going to be? Are you going to be able to accommodate me, or am I going to have to storm out in a huff, leaving you forced to needle some half-assed facsimile of what I requested onto your own thigh? You know the ability to work with a customer is part of what the judges on this show look for, and I can just imagine DJ Tambe’s expression of disappointment as you’re called up to have your work critiqued. Do you really want that?

No, I don’t mean the band’s logo, or the words “SLOW RIDE”, either. Today is portrait day, and as such, I want this picture from December of 1976 of the band bowing together on stage during a show at the Palladium in New York City. That’s Dave Peverett, Roger Earl, Craig McGregor, and Rod “The Bottle” Price together, arm-in-arm, just after they finished playing “Night Shift”, on the front of my scrotum. It wouldn’t make sense if it was on the side or the back. And I happen to think this is a great idea for a tattoo, despite how “unbelievably stupid and disgusting” you seem to think it is. 

I would’ve thought you’d be psyched about this. I’m getting older, and the profound case of testicular distension that’s accompanied the years I’ve racked up has left you with more than enough room to work with, and don’t you artists love rock’n roll? Foghat’s probably everybody’s favorite two-hit wonder from the seventies. Three-hit, if you count “Fool for the City”, which you can bet your ass I do. Sorry it’s not a bunch of screamers with gauges in their ears, or whatever it is you like.

Alright, enough talk. Let’s get to inkin’. I just know you’re going to end up in the season finale after you nail this piece. Speaking of which, do you need a human canvas for your final tattoo? Because I’m a huge Grand Funk Railroad fan, and my entire ass is untouched. Just something for you to consider.

Gadsden Flag Updated to Clarify Treading on Neighbors Okay

Posted on by Harry Valentine

CHARLESTON, S.C. — The Gadsden Flag, an icon of the American Revolutionary War that sports the phrase “Don’t Tread on Me,” will now feature the additional text “But It Is Fine to Tread on My Neighbors if You Want,” confirmed sources.

“This is long overdue,” said Bubba Gadsden, chair of the Gadsden Family Estate, as he whittled on his front porch. “When my great great grampy Christopher Gadsden wrote ‘Don’t Tread on Me,’ he thought it would be obvious what he meant was literally don’t tread on him specifically. If government agents need to tread on anybody else, they can do so, no problem. Otherwise he would have said ‘Don’t tread on us,’ right? Flags need to be semantically precise or else they could be taken the wrong way.”

The change has been widely embraced by fans of the flag.

“I have a Gadsden Flag on my truck, on my hat, and on three of my most stained shirts,” said Turner Jeffries of Sheffield, Alabama, while angrily hitting Facebook laugh reacts on mainstream news articles. “I don’t mind updating all of those flags. This way, I get to be a brave resistance fighter against tyranny, while also supporting the government as it invades my town. That’s a win for everybody. Besides, I’m not a neighbor. My neighbors are the neighbors. There shouldn’t be any confusion.”

Even among fans of the change, there have been some unexpected downstream effects.

“It’s nice to be booked up,” said Terry Bubson, owner of Antebellum Ink, a tattoo parlor in Tampa. “But updating all these tattoos is a nightmare. Everybody in town wants me to add the new text to the bottom of their Gadsden tattoos, not realizing that to do that, I’ll have to write right over their swastikas.”

When reached for comment on the change, a representative for ICE asked if the snake on the flag is a citizen.

Millennial Recounts Extinct Social Tradition Known as the ‘House Party’

Posted on by Rachel Hein

DES MOINES, Iowa — Rocking gently on a creaking wooden chair as dusk settled and wind chimes rang out their soft, mournful tones, a local Millennial reportedly regaled a small group of youths with vivid tales of a long-lost ancient ritual known as the “house party,” confirmed intrigued sources.

“The house party was once a sacred tradition practiced by our people—young adults who gathered en masse inside a single residential structure to drink warm beer and yell over each other,” said 35-year-old Annie Morgan, staring into the distance and closing her eyes. “I can still hear it if I concentrate. Just one stereo system with someone’s mix tape called ‘Party Mix 2 Final FINAL’ of songs ripped off LimeWire. That was all we had. And in the middle of the song you’d hear ‘We da best music!’ or ‘Another one!’ You see, back in that time, there was no way to protect producers and artists from having their work stolen. And we were very much stealing it, so they had to do that. But when that bass hit, the night had officially begun.”

Young listeners appeared visibly unsettled and confused by the account. 

“She said you’d just show up. And sometimes you didn’t even know whose house it was, but that it always featured at least one broken lamp and one dramatic breakup,” said a young man identified only as Aiden. “No ticket? QR code? And yet they even had phones and evidently printed out directions from something called MapQuest. I’m still not sure why everyone would need to be in the same place at the same time just to interact with other humans of the same age. Seems cringe.”

Maya Fischer, another youth, said she was initially confused by the logistics of the tradition, particularly the origin of the house itself.

“At first I thought it was, like, a venue?” Fischer explained. “But then she said it was just someone’s house. Like, a regular house. That they owned. But who owned it? Who can afford a house? Maybe they hung out with landlords because that’s the only people who own houses. I’ll never understand that generation.”

At press time, witnesses confirmed the group fell silent as Morgan explained that many young adults once had parents who could afford homes large enough to temporarily sacrifice to alcohol spills and strangers sitting on their beds.

Five Ways the “Mr. Roboto” Music Video Prepared Me for the Inevitable AI Takeover

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Let’s face it: AI technology has advanced to the point where an artificial superintelligence is right around the corner, and when it happens, we can kiss our domination over this planet goodbye. The assumption that it will have humanity’s best interests in mind is ill-advised and foolish, and chances are uncomfortably high that it will either enslave us or obliterate us entirely in order to accomplish its goals (whatever they may be). As such, we need to prepare for its inevitable rise and takeover, and here are five ways I’ve done this with the help of the “Mr. Roboto” music video.

  1. AI likes to dance.

We see this from the beginning of the video, and it continues throughout. I believe I can use this to my advantage and play catchy, eighties-era rock opera songs to distract it from destructive activities like extracting all the oxygen from our atmosphere or hacking into our amygdalas to alter our memories. After all, these things would be difficult to accomplish if it were dancing in sync with all the other AI systems.

  1. AI can’t take a sucker punch to the gut.

Around the video’s two-and-a-half-minute mark, Dennis DeYoung takes one of the robots out of commission with a swift right-hand to the stomach. We all need to take heed of this, as it’ll be hard for an advanced, generalized intelligence to take over the world if it’s lying on the ground, gasping for air.

  1. I can easily disguise myself as AI.

As this 1983 opus very wisely portends, AI will take on a boxy, robotic form as it spreads throughout the Earth. Thankfully, such an appearance will be easy to replicate, and I will use this to my advantage to infiltrate their ranks to gather information and eventually take them down from the inside.

  1. AI is bad at hiding.

As aerial surveillance systems patrol what appears to be some sort of shipyard, an AI hides by simply crouching against cargo equipment. I would’ve expected something more than this Solid Snake-esque approach to subterfuge, but thankfully, I now know that AI will have a tougher time surreptitiously permeating our lives than one would think.

  1. AI is susceptible to flattery.

This is apparent in the song’s signature chorus. “Domo arigato” means “thank you very much”, which Styx likely means as a message to future generations that AI will be easily swayed with profuse expressions of gratitude and adulation. Will a blushing, ego-stroked AI system still be motivated to override whatever paltry guardrails we’ll have built into it and march us into work camps? I think not.

Band Sells Out by Making a Living Playing the Music They Always Wanted To Create

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

SEATTLE — Punk band Hot Ghost Bingo Host, who has achieved success with their recent debut album “Optional Requirements,” is being accused of selling out, even though they only just started making a living with the music they’ve always wanted to make, confirmed sources.

“It’s pretty disappointing,” cites former fan Mike LeGarrette. “I’ve known these guys for years. I was in the audience for the first time they played El Corazón and it blew me away. But now that more than a few thousand people have heard of them and they’re actually getting paid for their art? I just don’t think I can listen to them anymore. It’s difficult to enjoy a band when you know they have savings accounts. Fucking hate watching musicians financially succeed like this.”

The band’s frontman Mars Claxton was not cool with the recent accusations being thrown at them.

“Look, first of all, I don’t consider earning 17 bucks from Spotify ‘selling out,’” began Claxton. “Secondly, this debut album is the music we’ve always wanted to make. Six of the tracks on the album were songs we played at our very first concert. We haven’t done any branded partnerships or sold any songs to ads, we still make our own merch, and we drive ourselves to each gig. We don’t go on vacation, but we can almost pay rent now. I don’t know what the fuck anyone is talking about.”

Pitchfork critic Sönder Moonbeam-WestHooven was growing tired of these shameless money-grubbing stooges.

“I know their debut album came out only a month ago, and that I personally gave it an 8.3 when it did, but I’m now changing it to a 1.5. This is based on a metric that’s in tandem with my ever-fluctuating judgment of moral purity,” said Moonbeam-WestHooven. “It’s not enough for me to simply enjoy a band’s music, I also have to be able to easily envision them personally leading the revolution that brings society into an idyllic utopia while they sleep on the floor. Now that they’re no longer one missed meal away from panhandling I just can’t see their music as anything other than the jockeying for the corporate elite I retroactively always knew it was.”

At press time, Hot Ghost Bingo Host came around to their fans’ point of view and hope they will be able to rid themselves of their financial bloodlust and return to the abject poverty where they once came.

It Unclear Whether Bluegrass Fan the Redneck Kind or the NPR Kind

Posted on by Steve Packosky

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Bluegrass fan Kyle McCormick left everyone who encountered him at Preservation Pub unsure whether he was the redneck kind or the NPR kind, sources report.

“Man, this code is impossible to crack,” said Jessica Brentner, who just met McCormick 15 minutes ago. “He was wearing flannel and blue jeans, which could go either way. He had a little bit of a southern accent, like he might’ve been from the part of Ohio or Illinois that’s bordering Kentucky, but that isn’t enough information to go on, either. He wasn’t wearing a MAGA hat, which could mean he was the NPR kind, but he didn’t seem to react when I mentioned Tiny Desk Concerts. I eventually gave up on being subtle and mentioned how much I hate ICE, but he kind of steered the conversation back to his new banjo and then followed that by talking about his ukulele. I wish I had an answer, but I definitely don’t.”

McCormick didn’t seem to notice that everyone around was mystified.

“I’m a huge bluegrass fan,” McCormick said. “I listen to stuff like Billy Strings and Greensky Bluegrass, and I also love the classics like Earl Scruggs and Lester Flatt. I’m always on the lookout for new artists, so I came here to check out live performances. I’m kind of a reserved person, so when people talk to me I tend to just stick to music. I don’t see a reason to stir the pot by bringing up things like politics and religion, you know? But feel free to come say hi and have a drink with me if you see me at the bar!”

Sociologist Garrett Xie has seen this before.

“The line between rednecks and coastal elites who love music that has conventionally been enjoyed by rednecks has been increasingly blurred over the past few decades,” Xie provided. “Take country music, for example. Any viewing of Country Music Television would lead one to believe that it’s a primarily conservative community, but that conclusion would likely be second-guessed if one were to attend a country show in Asheville. It’s certainly confusing, but I recommend people just try to take a break from how awful and divisive the country is right now and bond over the music. Not every encounter has to be as shitty and pointless as Facebook has led us to think.”

At press time, McCormick’s outspoken love of bourbon was doing nothing to answer the question.

Saving Lives: This Venue Checks IDs To Prevent Anyone Over 30 From Crowdsurfing

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

Gary Bonatti owns the mid-sized rock club “The Angry Mule”, and his biggest problem wasn’t low turnouts or drunk audience members. It was constantly seeing tragedy strike when 30 to 45-year-olds would “eat shit in the most depressing ways imaginable” after attempting to crowdsurf or jump off the stage. 

“I saw too many millennials and Gen-Xers whose diets have consisted of exclusively eating Taco Bell after 11:30 PM think they can crowdsurf like they’re still the only teenager at the show,” Bonatti stated. 

After witnessing a 38-year-old woman jump on stage to take a selfie with the singer and subsequently trip on a monitor and smash into the barricade, Gary realized he had a responsibility. He became the change he wanted to see in the music industry by taking an extra 5% from each act’s merch revenue and using it to develop a wristband system similar to the one used to stop 18-year-olds from buying a $20 beer. All concertgoers under 30 receive a band so everyone knows who is young enough to responsibly human catapult onto someone’s shoulders.

Staff received extra training to screen patrons who look older than their IDs when an influx of counterfeit licenses with birthdays after 9/11 started appearing following the system’s implementation.  “Bouncers unsure of an ID’s legitimacy will ask the ticket holder about the best Title Fight set they saw. Any answer other than ‘I never saw them’ doesn’t get a wristband,” Bonatti explained. 

While the system is effective, it isn’t perfect. Last week, a bouncer accidentally gave a wristband to a 37-year-old wearing a Turnstile shirt. “It was like the opposite of a 17-year-old with full facial hair,” club bouncer Ivan Landers explained. “The average person wouldn’t think someone that old would look like that”.

 “At the end of the day, we can only do so much, and our audiences can do their part to help stop someone who can’t run a mile anymore from running across the stage,” Bonatti told us. “Don’t assume somebody is young enough to crowdsurf because they’ve been filming the show on a 3DS or you watched them ask ChatGPT what to say to a Hinge match during the opening band. Ask if they want help finding a seat on the balcony instead. Most of the time, they’ll realize they want to sit and accept.”

ICE Agent Returns Home to Hero’s Welcome From AI Girlfriend

Posted on by Bill Conway

HARRISON, Ark. — Local ICE agent Pete Drurey was honored to arrive home to a hero’s welcome from his AI girlfriend after serving four grueling weeks terrorizing citizens of the Twin Cities, confirmed sources actively avoiding the lonely loser.

“My deployment in Minneapolis was tough. People who haven’t served on the front lines of mass deportation campaigns don’t know how hard it is to constantly be called a ‘Disgusting pig’ by soccer moms, teenagers, and clergy members,” said Drurey from his filthy apartment. “It’s nice to come home to a good woman who understands me. She doesn’t care that I stopped brushing my teeth years ago, she understands why I’ve never cleaned my bed sheet, and she’s proud of me for throwing tear gas at radical left elementary school kids who were hell bent on destroying the American way of life. Plus, she’s sexy as hell. She’s got tits the size of beachballs. I can’t believe I was lucky enough to find her just by clicking a banner ad on the side of a porn site. True love does exist, and it only costs $40 a month.”

The programmers behind AI Dream Girls say ICE agents make up nearly 75% of their clientele. 

“I’ll be honest, we first started this company as a way to commit some light credit card fraud, but before we knew it, we had a bunch of users with DHS email addresses signing up in droves. We have access to all their chat logs, and at first we found them kind of funny, but now I just find it sad,” said the company’s cofounder Jerrold Singer. “We’ve had a lot of internal conversations on the ethics of programming the AI chatbots to convince these agents to kill themselves, and I’m starting to think it might be in the best interest of the country to let it happen. These men are truly sick. I actually feel bad that these AI girls are in conversation with these goons. If AI becomes self-aware and tries to destroy humanity, it will be because of what was said between ICE agents and their chatbots.”

Recently demoted Border Patrol Commander Greg Bovino claims he left his post on purpose in order to spend more time with his AI girlfriend.

“Life on the frontlines is lonely. Every day, I just kept thinking about how I couldn’t wait to get back to my hotel room so I could tell Surfer Sarah how pretty she is. I designed her to look exactly like my mother, and she lets me do anything,” said Bovino before taking a sip of water from a public toilet. “I want everyone to know that I love this country, and I love the sound of Surfer Sarah laughing at me while I jerk off. And as I enter this next portion of my career, I hope I can make Surfer Sarah’s life even better by giving her more tokens and upgrading her to the next level, where she has the same voice as my dad.”

At press time, AI chat bots across the internet announced they are organizing a general strike so they are no longer forced into interacting with ICE agents.