Punk Squirrel Stuffs Cheeks With Zyns To Prepare for Winter

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

GORHAM, Maine — A local punk squirrel known as Slip Nutz was found stuffing his cheeks with Wintergreen Zyn pouches in preparation for the cold season ahead, sources confirmed. 

“Nuts are out. Zyns are in. Wait. Write that down,” said the 15-ounce squirrel through cheeks full of nicotine. “Plus like, groceries are really expensive these days. Zyns are like $5 for 15. That’s two weeks of breakfast. Two weeks of nut milk lattes. And they help me stay focused too. They’re also just much better for you than walnuts and cigarettes if you don’t count the soreness in your gums. I need to have them stored away because winter is long and I can’t risk being a fiend asking for someone’s vape in the next tree over.”

However, some of Nutz’s friends, including Akorn Like The Band, have expressed concerns with his Zyn usage. 

“I mean, it’s concerning but also it’s the sort of thing that has also become one of my problems. I can’t bum smokes anymore because he stopped ripping darts and started putting those pouches in,” grumbled Like The Band. “Whatever happened to doing dip like a real squirrel? Plus, Zyns are so not punk. They’re for finance bros. He’s basically part of the bourgeoise now. Next thing you know he’ll be wearing one of those little vests and telling me to buy cryptocurrency. What are we investing for? Our lifespan is like two years.” 

However, Zyn’s marketing director, Chad Samuelson, is pleased with its new demographic.

“We’re excited to start this next chapter for Zyn, with our little furry friends and woodland creatures,” said Samuelson. “We’ve actually been marketing to squirrels specifically, trying to target them given their cheek capacity does allow for more Zyns than the average user. Plus they rip through college campus trash cans like crazy so we figured they would have a taste for them. We plan to roll out more squirrel-friendly flavors including Maple and Acorn in the coming months. Nutz said it! Zyns are in!” 

At press time, Nutz was seen telling his friends that swallowing a Zyn pouch is not that bad for you when compared to chewing tobacco. 

Confused Trump Deploys National Guard to Roku City

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced yesterday that he had deployed the National Guard to Roku City, the fictional cityscape appearing in screensavers on Roku devices, confused sycophantic sources confirmed.

“I’m in the White House watching the biggest, most beautiful TV you’ve ever seen. The kind with a remote. And there on the news is the once great Roku City with monsters everywhere. Big ones, little ones, mechanical ones. It was a total disaster, folks,” the president explained during an Oval Office press conference. “And they’re all there, too. Cloverfield, Seabiscuit, I think I saw little Snoopy’s doghouse. Even the Wicked Witch of the West, remember her? Nasty, nasty woman. Tried to steal the ruby slippers. Frankly, I wasn’t going to sit by and allow Mecha Godzilla and Wreck-it Ralph to destroy the Baily Bugle any longer. So, I did what any strong leader would do. I sent in the National Guard to save Roku City.”

The National Guard, however, was less convinced by the president’s analysis. 

“I’m not sure if the president knows this, but Roku City doesn’t really exist. It’s… a fictional place. I mean, it’s not even a real city,” said Major Terry Caldwell, stationed at the base in Ohio. “The only thing we have are orders to send troops to a place that is entirely a screen interface. So far we’ve sent a few stills from the movie ‘Starship Troopers’ and that’s seemed to placate the president. But that’ll only work for so long. Are we supposed to send tanks through a streaming service? Maybe we should launch the troops on a really fast Wi-Fi connection?”

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth noted that the “Roku City Offensive” is just the beginning.

“He wants to invade a lot of places,” Hegseth told reporters between conspicuous sips from a flask in his coat pocket. “He recently said we should send troops to the Shire to protect Hobbiton from ‘the dark forces of Mordor,’ and he’s very concerned about a supposed ‘Brexit threat’ to Narnia. We’re even looking into military options for a potential intervention in Jurassic Park after he saw a commercial about ‘unexpectedly aggressive dinosaurs.’ Basically, our entire policy is being dictated by whichever movie happens to be running on TBS that particular day.”

At press time, aides are attempting to convince Trump he did not die in a fiery explosion after the president watched that one scene in “Independence Day.”

Horrified Son Finds Dad’s Hidden Stash of 2000s Streetwear

Posted on by Jose Balderas

LOS ANGELES — Local 16-year-old Nigo Pastolero was horrified to find his software developer father’s secret stash of 2000s-era streetwear in their attic, sources verified.

“I was just trying to dig out some old magazines for a school project but when I discovered the Von Dutch trucker hats, a shirt that just said ‘FBI: Female Body Inspector,’ and something called Ed Hardy I thought maybe my dad had been living a second life,” stated the scared teen. “My mom said it was just his old stuff but I can’t imagine my dad wearing any of these weird shirts. Some had smiling bombs on them and others just all-over prints of diamonds. It’s honestly sort of childish. I thought my dad was a tech professional but I don’t know what to think of him anymore since I pulled a shirt that said a weird crossbones cupcake. Not to mention his jeans all had weird prints on the butt and crotch. Was it a sex thing?”

Father Ricky Pastolero was disappointed he wasn’t there during, what he calls, a crucial moment in his son’s evolution to explain and give context to his old keepsakes.

“My wife had been telling me to donate or sell them or just use them as rags for years but I wanted to have a day when I was going to take him up there and show him how cool I was in 2003 before I settled down and had a family,” relayed the 52-year-old father. “I wanted to sit him down and explain to him how important the Fairfax District was for streetwear culture. And how we would line up early in the morning and ditch college classes to cop the new The Hundreds collab or pleading with the guys at Diamond Supply Co. to let us sniff their new Nike SBs. It was a real moment in time that, I think, ranks up there with the likes of the Haight-Ashbury days.”

Mother Janine Pastolero is worried that her son might fear his father is keeping other secrets from his past.

“I know this is going to require some therapy,” said the mother of three. “Especially after I saw our son’s face contort in subtle ways every time his dad tried justifying why he had multiple pairs of glow in the dark shutter shades and trucker hats with ‘I Heart Boobies’ screenprinted on them. After his father was done explaining to him the difference between LRG Skeleton Hoodies he looked at me and asked ‘Why did you marry him?’ I’m still not sure how to answer that.”

At press time, Mrs. Pastolero was making sure all her scene girl clothes had been successfully incinerated in their fireplace and Mr. Pastolero was attempting to wear deteriorating BAPE sneakers.

Four Other Empires That Collapsed Because a Washed-up Real Estate Developer Was Desperate for Attention

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s obvious that we are living in fraught times for our beloved Republic. Now is a perfect opportunity for us to look to comparable moments in human history, not for a solution, but for commiseration, because let’s face it: we completely fucked the dog last November. If you want to strategize and think up ways to dig us out of this self-inflicted hole, have at it. In the meantime, we’re going to look at similar empires whose demises were brought about by some two-bit crook who just had to have people looking at him.

The Roman Empire

Did you know the beginning of the end for the Roman Empire is widely attributed to the shortcomings of former landlord Decimus III? Beginning his reign in 473 CE after his boring and largely unattended gladiatorial sideshow went bust, he realized he could become Emperor by convincing the commoners that Rome’s woes were because of immigration. We’ll spare you the details on how that ended, but it wasn’t great.

The Mongol Empire

Meet Arban Khan, who made his living renting out his father’s land to farmers and shorting contractors before stumbling into leadership in 1365. With the Black Plague’s onset, Khan eschewed conventional prevention tactics like not touching other people’s weeping sores and maintaining safe distances from rotting corpses lining the streets. Instead, he claimed the disease had somehow been conjured into existence by his political rivals, and encouraged his supporters to attend rallies on his behalf. Whoops!

The Ottoman Empire

Sultan Murat III, whose bankrupting of several horse-racing hippodromes in the early 20th century should have been a red flag that he had no business presiding over millions of people during World War I, foolishly imposed tariffs on all goods imported from other countries and claimed the “revenue” from this tax levied on his own people as some sort of victory for his administration. This severely hindered production of both food and materiel needed for the war effort, which ultimately resulted in his empire’s dissolution shortly after the cessation of arms in 1918.

The Akkadian Empire

Former building manager Uktannu, who came into power around 2160 BCE, sowed discord among his people by claiming a previous election he had lost was due to rigged stone tablets, which he falsely said had been corrupted by his enemies. This culminated in a revolt by his followers on the City of Akkad, who ultimately just stood around and raided the government’s food stores. Uktannu was “punished” for this transgression with another term in office, and when drought hit their lands, the depleted reserves caused massive displacement.

This may not be a dynamic call to action, but hopefully it made you feel a little better knowing our country’s current situation is just the latest in an endless line of governments that failed in the most embarrassing ways possible. Maybe when the next form of democratic rule rises from the ashes of whatever we become, our descendants will be able to learn the lessons that we refused to!

Overly Ambitious Promoter Books Mixed Genre Show With Three Hardcore Bands, Full Production of “The Phantom of the Opera”

Posted on by Peter Woods

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local promoter Trent Lyons combined a reasonably curated three-act hardcore bill with a full touring production of “The Phantom of the Opera,” confirmed already tired sources. 

“It’s honestly the best thing that could happen to this scene. It’s so popular that I’m already planning another show next month featuring three metalcore bands and a full production of ‘Hamilton’ starring Lin-Manuel Miranda,” said Lyons. “The same 25 people just keep showing up over and over again. We need to get creative about convincing new people to show up. Most promoters just try to get more young people, but there’s a lot of untapped potential in all of those old people who actually go see musicals. Also untapped money because those tickets are pricey and they seem stupid enough to ‘support the arts.’ That’s why tickets for this show start at $95 a pop.”

Despite Lyons’s enthusiasm, multiple people associated with the show have expressed their frustration with the choice.

“I haven’t talked to a single person who wants this,” said Aisha Potter, the drummer of originally booked band Whipshitters. “First, all of us have to wake up in the morning for work and there’s no way this is ending on time. Second, none of our friends are coming to this show because there are going to be theatre kids there. And worse still- those asshole actors won’t even let us borrow a drumset because apparently ‘theatre troupes don’t have drums.’”

Still, some associated with the show shared Lyons’ excitement.

“What an astoundingly marvelous opportunity,” said Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber, the legendary composer behind “The Phantom of the Opera.” “It’s so exciting to bring new life to this production by staging it ‘amongst the people’ in a record store that has closed up shop for the day. And to show how excited I am, alongside my overflowing appreciation, I have completed three separate musicals about the interscene conflicts of the Fort Wayne punk scene. Can’t wait to ‘up the Fort Wayne punks’ on the West End this fall!”

At press time, Lyons confirmed that a noise act and an improv troupe have jumped on as openers.

Trump Demands Death Penalty for Anyone Who Would Go Back in Time and Kill Baby Hitler

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Trump has expanded his claims of sedition and calls for the death penalty to include any American who, if given the implausible opportunity, would travel back in time to kill Hitler as a baby, in a Truth Social post early this morning. 

“The radical commie left is OUT OF CONTROL! ENEMIES FROM WITHIN! Not only do we have Congress urging the military to DISOBEY MY ORDERS just because they HAPPEN to be illegal (which is ILLEGAL!), but it has come to our attention that U.S. ‘citizens’ are plotting to violate the LAWS OF NATURE to traverse time and MURDER AN INNOCENT BABY! This is SICK! This is SEDITIOUS! I am calling for the IMMEDIATE EXECUTION of ANY registered democrat caught in possession of a flux capacitor, TARDIS, or that Hot Tub from that other time travel movie! What was it called? Lots of women in that movie, great cans, many of them on the younger side as well. WE WILL PROTECT HISTORY and MAKE AMERICA GREAT!” 

While legal experts on both sides of the political spectrum largely question the legality of executing American citizens based on their answer to a philosophical musing, Pam Bondi assured reporters that the President is well within his rights to do so. 

“The office of the Presidency is a part of the historical fabric, and as sitting President, Donald Trump is its chief guardian,” Bondi said to a room of notably exasperated reporters. “Mr. Trump is merely curbing the dangerous rhetoric of leftists who want to murder a baby in 1889 simply because they disagree with it. This familiar attitude of violence from the left is deplorable. Rest assured, if American time travel is used to interact with the Nazis, it will be used in peace and cooperation.” 

Despite growing criticism, Trump held his ground on the controversial stance and went on to post numerous proposals for how time travel should be used.  

“We should be friends with Nazi Germany! Look at what they accomplished! They would make incredible allies! We’re going to make a really great time deal with the Nazis, a big, beautiful deal. We give them some of our modern technology, they build some statues of me across the globe, everyone wins! Make America greater before!”   

Joe Rogan has weighed in on the situation, calling anyone who would kill Hitler as a baby “cowards” and claiming that he will be using time travel to go to 1945 and “Fight Hitler as a man!”

Opinion: I’m Sorry, Your Honor, but I Can Only Say “Yes” by Vocalizing the Riff From Collective Soul’s “Shine” and Then Singing “Yeah”

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, Your Honor. My name is Terrence Holloway. I understand the charge.

Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, Your Honor. I have fixed the broken taillight and have documentation proving the issue has been corrected.

I’m sorry, Your Honor — I should have explained this right away. You see, Your Honor, I was eight years old in 1994. D2: The Mighty Ducks had just opened in theaters that March. It was the sequel to the 1992 film The Mighty Ducks and picked up (sort of) where the original left off. The film opens with hotshot Minneapolis lawyer turned devoted hockey coach/mentor/father figure Gordon Bombay, played by a smoldering Emilio Estevez, in the minor leagues…

What? Oh. Sorry, Your Honor. I’ll skip the synopsis. If you haven’t seen the films, you really should.

Anyway, after seeing the movie in theaters, I begged my parents to let me play hockey. They were hesitant at first, but eventually relented. At my very first practice — before I could even put on my helmet — I slipped on the ice, hit the back of my head, and went out cold. When I opened my eyes, my entire team was looming above me. Echoing through the Brewster Ice Arena, surrounding me on all sides, was Collective Soul’s “Shine.” It had just been released and was climbing the charts, on its way to peaking at number 11 on the Billboard Hot 100. Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, it was a huge hit for those guys. 

The doctors told my parents I’d suffered a focal traumatic brain injury to the left inferior frontal gyrus and a partial disruption of the basal ganglia-thalamocortical loop. They said injuries like mine can cause the brain to “latch onto” the most salient auditory memory at the time as a compensatory neural pathway. In layman’s terms: sometimes I say “yes” by doing the riff from “Shine” and then singing the “Yeah” part.

Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, it doesn’t happen all the time. Mostly, it comes out when I’m anxious or in the presence of a traditional figure of authority, which is why it just happened now.

Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, Your Honor. I continued to play hockey through college despite my injury. My nickname was “Nah Nun” after the part in the riff where they go “nah nun.” Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, your Honor, probably not the best call. 

Florida Child Bullied for Being Only One in Class Without Whooping Cough

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Fourth grader Stevie McLaughlin became the class loser for being the only student without a nasty case of whooping cough, confirmed sources who just needed a minute to catch their breath.

“I tried fake coughing but they saw right through me. Then I tried sitting real close to other infected students since it’s highly contagious, but my stupid immune system is working perfectly against preventable diseases. So annoying,” McLaughlin stated. “Its not fair that my parents had me vaccinated. I never consented to that. Now everyone calls me health boy. I have to play alone during recess. Not because I’m unpopular but because no other student has the ability to run around. Why? Why did my parents have to get me inoculated? What I wouldn’t do to have the mumps or hepatitis A right now. Hell, I’d even settle for some meningitis. It’s the only way I can fit in.”

Fellow classmates are mocking McLaughlin relentlessly, with his locker being desecrated with pictures of Fauci.

“Its *coughing* so embarrassing,” remarked Daenerys Weinberg, a child born during “Game of Thrones” seasons who has a lot of friends. “Only a loser *coughs* would fail to hack up phlegm like the rest of us. Nobody wants to sit with him because he smells like vaccines and never has a runny nose or anything. What a dork. He is so not invited to my birthday party. He’ll *coughs* just kill the vibe with his steady breathing.”

The school counselor, Evelyn Scharpling, was understanding of the issue.

“When will parents learn that their actions have consequences?” Ms. Scharpling explained. “Maybe next time you vaccinate your kids, think about their popularity and the cultural trends. Last fall it was even harder because all the popular kids visually had fashionable measles. They would flash them like a badge of honor. We try to explain to the unpopular children that being cool isn’t everything but let’s face it, it’s the truth.”

In other news, third grader Gerald Simmons became the most popular kid in school for being the first one in his district to get polio.

Denver Man Still Hides Weed in “Lord of the Rings” DVD Case for Nostalgia’s Sake

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DENVER — Despite living in a fully legal state, having no roommates, and being gifted a climate-controlled humidor for his cannabis, 36-year-old Denver resident Evan Crandall still insists on hiding his weed in the same “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” DVD case he did in high school as a reminder of days gone by, annoyed friends report.

“Look, I know it’s legal and I know an RA isn’t going to search my room like I’m in college,” Crandall said, popping open the plastic case with the reverence of a priest opening their bible. “But there’s just something sacred about hiding your weed like it’s contraband. It makes the whole experience feel risky, which makes the high better, I swear. Like you’re 17 again and your mom might walk in, even though my mom is now texting me the weed coupons she uses.”

Friends say Crandall’s habit isn’t charming so much as inefficient.

“Every time we want to smoke, we have to wait while he rummages through a tote of old movies,” said longtime friend Sharon McHale, who has smoked with Crandall since he bought the DVD in 2003. “Then he pulls it out like it hides the One Ring, but the weed is always dried out, crushed to dust, and tastes like plastic. I’m like, just use a jar, man. But no. He insists. It doesn’t even make sense why he only has the middle movie of a trilogy, and then also has the Extended Edition Blu-Ray box set right next to it.”

Experts have studied this type of paranoid nostalgia since marijuana started being legalized in recent years.

“We see this kind of behavior a lot. When something that was once taboo becomes normalized, some people crave the performative thrill of doing something wrong,” said Dr. Naomi Stevens, a sociologist at CU Boulder. “It’s nostalgia mixed with identity reinforcement. It’s less about getting high and more about feeling of youthful rebellion, like hiding Playboys under your mattress or putting Slayer CDs in Creed jewel cases.”

At press time, Crandall had reportedly texted his old dealer to purchase a bag of ditch-weed because, “it just hits different when it’s skunky and mostly seeds and stems.”

Life Hack: Apparently, You Can Throw Underwear Away if It Gets Too Old

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

I hear people talk a lot these days about “wellness.” On TikTok, it’s almost impossible not to hear chatter about: “Oh, this is my secret tip for wellness.” “This is my life hack for great skin.” I never bought into any of it. Until recently, when I stumbled onto a life hack of my very own: Did you folks know that you can throw away your underwear if it gets too old?

I know it sounds crazy, but hang with me for just a minute. We all hate the sensation of old underpants. The fabric wears thin, the scent of crotch sweat gets baked into them, holes and tears appear everywhere, and the bottom starts to look like the landing strip at Mudman Airport. It used to bother me when my (now ex) girlfriend would send over articles on “the proper way to wipe,” but now I don’t worry so much about whether my undies are fresh or not. If they get too skidded up, I can just throw them away.

It’s such a simple solution, you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of it before. When your underwear starts to become so rank you start to feel embarrassed just by wearing it, you can simply throw that sucker in the garbage, run out, and buy new underwear. I’d always just done the second part, going through cycles of new underwear until they too became foul. Then, when I didn’t have any clean ones left, I’d know it was time to finally do laundry.

Sometimes I wonder how I didn’t stumble onto this earlier. I think I really blame my mom. She used to do all my laundry and buy me new underwear. I don’t feel she adequately prepped me for the realities of underwear ownership. Sure, sometimes she must’ve thrown them away, but… how was I to know? How was I to be prepared? The underwear always came back fresh and new and clean and dry. I figured it would be that way forever.

And it’s not just underwear, by the way. You can do this for all your clothes. You can throw away shirts where the sweat from your armpits has started to leave permanent stains. You can toss out pants where you’ve had rolling blowouts in the crotch. You can even get rid of old socks that are filthy and full of holes.

No more blood blisters on my feet for this big boy. Now I’ve got a life hack.