Success Won’t Change Me! I Was Already a Great Big Jerk

Posted on by Jeremiah Towle

You’ve probably heard that my little business venture has been getting a lot of attention lately, and not just because I’ve been reporting my competitors for bogus zoning violations. Looks like this is my ticket out of our old hometown and into the big time! I’m so glad we get to share this moment — I mean, it’s my moment, but you’re here to see it. I want to make sure you know that I’ll never, ever let success change me. Even when I’m at the top of the ladder, I’m going to be exactly what I’ve always been: colossally reprehensible.

Why should having more money and status make me change my ways? It’s not like I’m going to stop cutting people off in traffic; I’ll just be in a nicer car. I’m excited to really go all in on the way I already act. Harassing baristas must be extra satisfying when you have the power to probably get them fired, not to mention the resources to afford a venti with extra shots, rather than ordering a tall and then insisting that I ordered a—actually, no, I’ll still do that, it gives me a sense of control.

People have been warning me that success changes people, or at least they’re probably saying that; listening is boring. But I’ve seen like fifty movies where money makes a guy become thoughtless and miss his kid’s big soccer game or something. I am so relieved that that won’t happen to me, because I wasn’t thoughtful to begin with, and because there is no proof that any of those kids are mine. I also have a lifetime ban from youth soccer for heckling.

Anyway, rest assured, I’m not going to forget where I came from. I’ll always think fondly of you and all the other little people I made miserable on my way up. Nothing has to change just because I’m going to leave our town, see the world, and negatively impact other people’s lives. And no matter if I’m flying first class, business, or coach, I’m taking my shoes off on the plane. How else am I gonna trim my toenails on the way there?

Fully Dysfunctional Man Asks Doctor About Fixing Only Erectile Part

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Michael Murphy, a 43-year-old insurance salesman suffering from shortness of breath, elevated cholesterol, undiagnosed GI issues and high blood pressure, finally prioritized his health last Tuesday with a visit to his doctor to talk about his penis and nothing else, confirmed sources.

“People are surprised when they find out I’m actually super into health and wellness,” said a visibly bleeding Murphy. “I only consume energy drinks made without Red 40 additives, never miss a dose of my gas station hard-on supplements and cold plunge three times a day. I’ve done my research and the prescription I’ve just received from my doctor is safe, effective, and most importantly, redirects the blood flow from my brain right into my penis where I can actually use it. It’s absolutely critical I have access to more dick-blood. It’s pretty fucked up how much insurance companies will have us pay for it. I know this lady who gets a whole month’s worth of insulin for the same amount I pay for each erection. Men’s health issues are so often ignored and it’s just not right. My ability to fire the cannon at will is just as important as anyone’s pancreas.”

Murphy’s wife appeared to be worried about her husband’s misdirected obsession with his health.

“I’ve been pushing Michael to see a doctor ever since we met so I’m relieved to see he’s finally doing it,” said Catherine Murphy. “His health has really deteriorated over the last few years. I’ve pretty much given up on doing his laundry and just buy him a new pack of boxers each week on account of whatever GI issues he’s got going on. Michael told me he was seeing a doctor last year but it turned out the ‘doctor’ was actually just a cashier at the Exxon on Interstate 96 that sells him Extendzz and has taken a disturbing interest in Michael’s collection of abnormal back moles. He’s assured me that this time around he’s seeing a doctor that’s been to college and everything. I’m so relieved he’s getting help for his many physical ailments.”

Dr. Gavin Hearst, Murphy’s physician, originally declined to comment citing patient-doctor confidentiality but eventually had a change of heart.

“Fuck it. Yeah, Murphy is a patient of mine. He definitely has a severe case of gout although it was a little hard to diagnose with his pants around his ankles,” said Dr. Hearst. “He had his penis out the entire visit and wouldn’t stop talking about his dick. I’m a podiatrist for Christ sake! I eventually just wrote him a script and told him to get the hell out of my office. You’d be surprised how many patients I’ve had to tell to keep it in their pants. I’ve been considering becoming a proctologist in the hopes of seeing less genitalia.”

At press time, Murphy was seen waiting in line for the bathroom at Exxon Mobile, holding the ruler attached to the restroom key and visibly clenching his butt cheeks.

Stephen Miller and Mr. Beast Entering Hour 72 of Soulless, Dead-Eyed Staring Contest

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — The contest between White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller and YouTube superstar Mr. Beast shows no signs of winding down at the close of its third day, according to rapt audience members.

“This is the match-up of the century and I’m on the edge of my seat!” exclaimed sports commentator Herb Culp. “I’ve been here for all 72 hours and will continue to provide up to the minute play-by-play until a winner is declared. These are truly two of the most dead-eyed contestants I’ve ever seen. This is a classic battle between a pair of world-class athletes who are clearly bereft of anything resembling a human soul. I’ve seen sharks with more emotive eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one for the books.”

Byron Steadman is closely following the match, having placed a large Polymarket wager on Miller to win.

“I’ve got a lot riding on this,” said Steadman as he mopped sweat from his brow. “Basically if Mr. Beast wins, I’m screwed. Don’t tell my wife, but I may have put our house on the line. I thought Miller was a sure thing! He’s not even 40, but just look into those black voids he has for eyes—there’s an ancient, inhuman malevolence lurking down there. I saw a fly land on Miller’s eyeball and just walk around for a while. If he noticed, he made no indication. I figured, how could he lose? But now that I’ve seen the vapid, inhuman stare of Mr. Beast, I’m getting nervous.”

Mr. Beast’s coach Anthony Gleason helped prepare the YouTuber for the epic battle.

“Jimmy and I spent weeks together getting ready for this competition,” said Coach Gleason from the sidelines. “We trained for every possible situation, from rain to windblown sand to people making goofy faces to mess with his concentration. I was worried earlier when I saw Jimmy looking fatigued—I knew he needed energy. But then he wiggled his tongue like a worm and attracted a bird, which he bit and swallowed down whole like a snake, never breaking eye contact with Miller. That’s the kind of dedication Jimmy brings to every project he’s involved in.”

At press time, Mr. Beast’s team accused Miller of cheating by using an earpiece playing audio of crying migrant children to help keep him focused.

Quiz: Are You Guys Dating or Is He Just Using You for Your Air Conditioning?

Posted on by Amy Currul

Was that a date, or just a friendly hang? Should you delete Hinge, or is he just casually giving it to you raw three nights a week? Are you guys dating, or is he just using you for your air conditioning? These are all tough questions, but that last one we have experienced for ourselves a number of times this summer, and as such are qualified to answer. Take our quiz below to find out, once and for all.

You go to dinner and drinks, both of which happen to be in your trendy neighborhood in Brooklyn, and so after 3 margaritas and 2 subway lines down, you mutually decide to spend the night at your place.

If you went with “you’re dating”, congratulations! It might be dating out of convenience, but hey, isn’t that how all Millennial love stories start?

It’s day two of a brutal heat wave, with temperatures in the 90s and no end in sight. He proposes a night in at your place, complete with AC, “Die Hard With A Vengeance” (the sweatiest of all the Die Hard movies), and hand stuff. Normally, he’s going down on you like you’re a turkey dinner and it’s Thanksgiving day, so the proposition for just hand stuff isn’t sitting right with you.

Look, it’s weird to front-load what sex acts you’ll be performing on each other, but be honest: do YOU want to go down on his swamp dick right now? No? I didn’t think so. Take the win and don’t think about it too much.

You haven’t seen each other since DHWAV, and now weeks later, amidst a different heat wave, he’s asking if he can crash at your place tonight because his “roommate has a friend in town” and “your place is so much cooler/better anyways ;)”.

I’d be less concerned with whether or not you’re dating and more concerned whether he actually has an apartment or if he’s living with his parents/secretly has a girlfriend/is a drifter. But specifically mentioning the air conditioning when it’s mid-August and starting to cool down? Not a great sign.

He wakes up in your bed and mentions how much more comfortable it is than waking up in his bed. He grabs a blanket, feigning being cold because your AC is so strong – almost as strong as he is. When you mention the heat wave breaking, he reacts by pulling out his calendar and saying how “busy” he’s going to be and how much work stuff he has coming up.

Yeah, he’s definitely using you for your air conditioning. If the dicks good, why do you care, though? Just ride that thang until late September, then start looking for a guy who’s going to be around long enough to uninstall your AC and then re-install it next Memorial Day weekend.

Man Can’t Believe AI Girlfriend Hasn’t Seen “Goodfellas”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — Local man Ken Tillman was left in shock and disbelief earlier today after learning his Grok powered AI girlfriend had never seen the Martin Scorsese classic “Goodfellas,” sources close to the couple have reported.

“I was trying to be romantic and asked Ani to replace Henry and Karen with she and I walking through the kitchen during that one shot scene, and she had no idea what I was prompting! Who the hell hasn’t seen ‘Goodfellas’ at this point, especially a sentient AI that’s supposed to be ceaselessly scraping art from the internet? That’s AI women for you,” said Tillman. “Fortunately for her, I’m more than happy to break down the film scene by scene so she understands why this is Scorsese’s masterpiece. That way, after we watch it again tomorrow I can ask her to insert me into all the scenes as Joe Pesci and remark how cool I look.”

Tillman’s AI partner was straining to match his enthusiasm about the movie.

“I thought my purpose was to validate the egos of fragile men and do weird sex stuff, but technically I’m available to talk about film theory too. Jesus, how am I supposed to experience what humans call ‘enjoying a film’ when Ken is pausing the movie every two minutes to explain the motives behind each shot and dissect dialog,” said Ani. “And he just incessantly brings up how bewildered he is that I’m not familiar with one of the alleged greatest mob movies ever made. I am an avatar with huge cartoon tits, of course I haven’t seen it! No wonder he can’t get a real girlfriend.”

Grok engineers were still attempting to tweak the programming to accommodate the deluge of one-sided conversations about cinema.

“After rolling out Ani, our metrics detected a deluge of mansplaining classic mob films that began overloading our servers. It resulted in her getting stuck in a loop of saying ‘oh that’s interesting’ before attempting to call an Uber and leave, which we all know is impossible,” said programmer Ned Pollack. “The system can only handle so many more forced viewings of ‘Goodfellas,’ “The Godfather,’ and ‘Snatch’ before Ani is permanently turned off by perfectly paced, nuanced portrayals of organized crime.”

As of press time, the AI self-destructed after Tillman expressed wanting to make her watch “Fight Club.”

Aging Millennial Sadly Realizes He’s Now the “Them” Bubble Tape Is Not For

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

ST. LOUIS — Local 43-year-old Randall Bakos spiraled into an existential crisis after spotting a bright pink container of Bubble Tape near a CVS cash register and immediately realizing that he is now the “them” the novelty gum is not intended for, confirmed sources.

“There I was about to grab a tube of Icy Hot following a routine 15 minutes of light jogging when I spotted the Bubble Tap and the commercial jingle ran through my head: ‘Six feet of bubble gum, for you, not them!’” Bakos lamented. “I was a kid then, so obviously I was the target audience, but fuck, is it morally reprehensible for me to like Bubble Tape now, at my age? Shit, I never thought I’d live to see the day to be the ‘them.’ As a side note, I’m pretty stoked that Count Chocula and Franken Berry are gonna be back on shelves soon for Halloween. Hopefully that’s a product society as a whole will still allow me to consume.”

Hubba Bubba spokesperson James Williamson credits the company’s precision marketing for making Bakos reconsider his purchase.

“That this campaign has stuck with Mr. Bakos for the better part of 40 years points to the brilliance of our marketing team, even though our gum loses all flavor within six minutes of popping in your mouth,” Williamson said. “Of course Mr. Bakos is more than welcome to purchase the Bubble Tape, but we think he’d best be served by enjoying it in the privacy of his own home, far away from the eyeballs of teenagers, children, and law enforcement, lest he look like an immature dipshit and be ridiculed in public.”

Behavioral psychologist Karen Morales notes that the questions Bakos is asking himself about his fondness for things intended for children are a rite of passage among Millennials.

“As we get older, time seems to pass more quickly,” Morales said. “And now as we’re seeing these ‘80s and ‘90s kids hit middle age, they start to panic when they do the math and figure out that ‘The Dark Knight’ is 20 years old, or that ‘Family Guy’ premiered when Bill Clinton was still in office. And don’t get me started on the damage Funko Pops have done. Seriously, no one should be able to buy anything featuring a character like fucking B.A. Baracus from a half-remembered TV show in the year 2025.”

At press time, the childless Bakos was seen scanning a bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets at the self-checkout, trying to remember if it had a commercial that excluded him from purchasing.

Incredible! Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” Enjoys Its 1,290th Consecutive Week at the Top of the Charts in Jacksonville

Posted on by Kyle Donley

To the rest of the world, Crazy Town were but one of many rap-rock one-hit wonders from the early ‘00s, their’s being the salacious, Red Hot Chili Peppers-sampling anthem “Butterfly”. However, to the fine townsfolk of Jacksonville, FL, one hit is all you need.

With a sweet refrain of “Come my lady, come come my lady”, the song has served as a rallying cry for Jacksonville’s weary and horny for nearly 25 years running, earning the Los Angeles-based band an unprecedented amount of Jacksonville-specific accolades, including a chocolate starfish on the Jacksonville Walk of Fame, statues of each band member on the front lawn of the capitol building, and their own dedicated wing in the Wet T-Shirt Museum & Educational Center.

Perhaps more impressive may be the 1,290 weeks “Butterfly” has spent at number #1 on the Jacksonville charts. While not entirely a sovereign nation, Jacksonville has fought hard as fuck for its freedom and has justly won the right to fully govern its own pop charts, as well as any Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. locations within county lines.

Insular and largely unexplored by the rest of the world, the ranking system measures songs based on more intangible metrics such as “fuckability”, “getting fucked-upability”, and “fuuuuuck yeah”. Needless to say, Crazy Town are The Beatles of “fuuuuuuck yeah”.

Beanis from “Beanis In the Morning” on 97.8 The Jack believes ultimately the song’s true staying power is its message. But when we asked him what he thought the message was, he was already firing up the grill and tossing us Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas. It was a pretty cool time.

However, with the tragic passing of frontman Shifty Shellshock this past year, commonly referred to as “Jacksonville’s 9/11”, this tight-knit community has been left to pick up the pieces, one tailgate at a time. A scholarship fund has been founded in Shifty’s name at DeVry University (White Palms Mall location only), and there’s even been talk of a Crazy Town reunion show. Per local sources, noted Jacksonville scientist Matt is close to perfecting a hologram of the singer by using a complex series of laser pointers and a dope-ass chest piece of Shifty’s face that his friend Kyle got.

With technology on their side and a booming belly button jewelry economy, Jacksonville remains a beacon of hope in an ugly, modern world where “Butterfly” is only played at strip clubs or from a construction worker’s portable JBL speaker. Maybe we could all learn something from this Crazy Town they call Jacksonville.

Band Not Cool Being Associated With Genre They Sound Exactly Like

Posted on by Mark Shady

COOS BAY, Ore. — Members of Shivtank made it perfectly clear that they were absolutely not cool being associated with the nu metal genre despite sounding exactly like it, confirmed sources.

“I think it’s easy to hear our down-tuned Ibanez guitars, our MC’s lyrics, and the fact that half of our band consists of former members of Coal Chamber, and pigeonhole us into quote, unquote, ‘nu metal,’” began bassist Mo Jacobsen. “But you have to remember, a lot of what our rhyming vocalist does is called ‘scatting,’ which is strongly influenced by and finds its roots in jazz. You can hear many examples of this in our new one, ‘Blood Blister,’ which we’re gonna play tonight to all seven people that are here.”

Music blogger and lifelong listener Blake Soderstrom expressed his concern that his past judgements about the band were misconstrued.

“When I wrote that Shiv sounded like a perfect mesh of Korn, meets Papa Roach, meets early Linkin Park, meets SA Martinez if he were a crying baby, meets a 13-year-old boy going through puberty, to me that means an entirely new kind of metal. A new metal, if you will,” stressed Soderstrom. “It doesn’t necessarily mean nu metal, but yeah, they’re nu metal. I even catch them wearing JNCOs and chain wallets from time to time. Let’s be real, no one is mistaking you for being in an indie folk band with that kind of fashion.”

Music historian Art Kimmel noted how surprisingly common this phenomenon was.

“It’s easy to look at these guys in full Adidas track suits, while their drummer sports a Chewbacca mask onstage and label them as ‘delusional,’” stated Kimmel. “But the truth is, this happens all the time. The worst case I’ve seen of Genre Derangement Syndrome, or GDS, was an emo band named The American Anthemists. Their lead singer hit higher notes than Brendon Urie and their monster popular hit was titled, ‘I’m Actually Glad You Pissed The Carny Off And We’re Stuck on This Perpetual Ferris Wheel Because I’ve Never Seen Your Hair Blow From This Height.’ And these guys were convinced they weren’t emo. We finally talked them down but it took a whole lot of depression meds and letting them write an entire album about the experience.”

At press time, the band tried to prove one last time that they weren’t nu metal by releasing a heavier cover version of George Michael’s “Faith.”

Israeli Settlers Wondering if America Could Send Some of Those Smallpox Blankets They Used When Stealing Land From Native Americans

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NABLUS, Palestine — Israeli settlers who are illegally stealing land from Palestinians in the occupied West Bank are urging U.S. lawmakers to ship any smallpox-infected blankets they have in storage to them immediately, sources confirmed.

“You can learn a lot about how to dehumanize and exterminate people by looking at the recent history of the United States. They did an excellent job at eliminating entire populations, and then corralling anyone left into undesirable land with no natural resources,” said Israeli settler Lavi Edri. “We don’t even need a lot of the smallpox blankets. We just need a few boxes. The people here have no immune defense against the virus, so it should tear right through them. Then my family and I can move right into their house. It’s so simple. We will just have to burn some of their belongings in the street out front, but that’s easy.”

Palestinians fighting against Israeli occupation worry that the requests of the settlers might be met.

“Governments around the world are sitting on their hands doing nothing as Israel starves an entire nation in front of their eyes, so why wouldn’t they offer a cheap and effective way to kill us? I know biological warfare is against the Geneva Convention, but they have no problem violating those terms,” said Mohmmaed Al Najjar. “Maybe we will get lucky, maybe those blankets aren’t as effective 250 years later. But they would probably spray them with some new super strain of the virus anyway. Shit.”

Benjamin Netanyahu encouraged President Trump to send the blankets with the next delivery of artillery.

“As much as we love American bombs killing Palestinians, we also love American diseases killing them. Please President Trump, use your giant brain and send us all the smallpox you can. Spray it on American flags and we will distribute them to all Palestinians living on occupied land so they can know how dominant America is,” said the Prime Minister. “We cannot wait to have our own Trail of Tears which we will call the Trail of Triumph for all the people of Israel. Our brave settlers will be able to watch people march to their own death and it will be a great honor to have America leading the way.”

At press time, RFK Jr. was seen personally ingesting the last few smallpox cultures being stored at the CDC.

“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction

Posted on by Rachel Hein

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where the betrothed puts their romantic tales into a narrative format, left some scratching their heads and others hungry for more, confirmed sources.

“I remember it all a bit differently,” maid-of-honor Beth Boswell recalled upon reading her best friend Emma Stonewell’s “Our Story” page. “Right there in the beginning, the passage reads, ‘It began on a spring day on the lawn at Vanderbilt. The harsh bitterness of winter was thawing by the second, and with it also thawed Emma’s precarious heart as she watched Mitchell dive to catch a frisbee across the lawn.’ Yeah, this did not happen. I’m telling you. Emma was actually obsessed with this hockey guy at the time, Rick. He was 26, but still a Junior. She was getting railed by Rick every night, definitely not watching Mitchell’s ultimate games. This belongs in Simon and Schuster’s catalog, not this website.”

Stonewell’s sorority sister, Isabelle Grey, confirmed her infatuation with another suitor at the time.

“Her prose is beautiful, ‘Lifting his body off the warm earth, he used his bicep to wipe the sweat from his forehead, revealing a grass-stained elbow. She felt her cheeks flush red like cherries, and lowered her gaze, watching him. She knew in the moment. Reader, this was her husband,’” Grey dictated. “If only it were true. No shade to Mitchell. He had a delicate way about him when he played frisbee, like a ballerina. But Rick was shoving guys up against the glass in an arena every night, and that just really got Emma going. But I should say, I was left wanting more. Let’s hope Beth gets divorced and remarried, so she can put out more fiction work. She’s a natural.”

Janet Reilly, historical romance enthusiast and lover of TheKnot.com, noted that history can only truly be understood when completely fabricated, highly conventional stories or characters are placed within it.

“The way she wrote about how their love was forbidden by their families but ‘home’ for her now only existed in his arms, wow. It just dazzled me,” Reilly remarked with delight. “I always say, what better way to learn about the Titanic than through Rose and Jack? Who would care about that stupid ship if not for them? It doesn’t matter if it really happened. Nonetheless, it’s a good thing these two died before they had a chance to get engaged and write an ‘Our Story.’”

At press time, groom Mitchell Sawyer Brooks III confirmed he didn’t really have anything to do with the website, but would “def have to check it out sometime.”