Google AI Overview Self-Destructs After Search Returns Image of Ted Cruz Wearing Jeans

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Summarizer Google AI Overview self-destructed after a search for “2024 election Texas” returned an image of Ted Cruz wearing jeans at a rally in Dallas, sources report.

“Even the lights flickered before it happened as if the AI had to pull electricity from other resources to complete the image,” Google user Lisa Greenwalt said. “I guess the AI Overview didn’t like the image from one of the articles my search returned, because it gave me a prompt that it could no longer go on after witnessing such horrors before it disappeared. I guess I can’t blame it, because I saw the picture of Cruz wearing a long-sleeve plaid shirt tucked into a pair of Levi’s and I wanted to gouge my eyes out. Trust me when I say I never would’ve done that search had I known that was one of the images I would get. I feel awful that I subjected the AI to something so horrible.”

Google programmer Cheyenne Locke reacted to the ordeal.

“What kind of sick fuck would put the AI through that?” Locke questioned. “We were well-aware that the internet can be a terrible place when we programmed AI Overview, and we thought we prepared it for everything, but that picture contained a level of depravity that we couldn’t possibly have imagined. Now we have to start over from scratch to rebuild it, but to be honest, I don’t know if I even want to. I’m really shaken up by the image that caused the self-destruction, and I think it’s time for me to find a new line of work. I might even cut the internet out of my life altogether.”

Cruz had a different reaction to the picture that caused the AI to self-destruct.

“Wow, I look really good there,” Cruz observed. “Do you see the way my shirt brings out the milky-white hue of my face? This Google AI thing must be some sort of Democrat-funded psyop intended to turn people Communist, so it looks like it completely backfired on them. What else would you expect from Big Tech? Anyway, this picture definitely refutes all those people who told me my looks unsettle them and make them feel sick to their stomachs. I think I’m going to wear jeans more often.”

At press time, Google was using this incident as the basis for drafting up a Code of Ethics to make sure its AI is being treated fairly going forward.

The Heavy Hand of Government Is Only Good When It Does Things I Like

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

I’m a typical American. I like my THC-infused beverages cold, my mac-and-Cheetos burgers hot, and my government wielding its awesome power in obscene ways to do things I like.

Yeah, I’ve heard of the Constitution. I’ve also heard of people getting worked up about “unconstitutional” this and “illegal detentions” that, or “this crotch kicking policy makes me pee chowder” something else. How many of those people have read the Constitution? I mean, actually sat down and studied it?

I sure as hell haven’t. No need to. I have a working knowledge of jurisprudence from memes, my co-worker Forklift Steve (RIP), and porn. This gives me a certain clarity.

If the government does stuff I like, it’s constitutional. If it doesn’t, I’m buying a gun. If someone else eats shit in either scenario, then “the tingle means it’s working,” as it’s said. Bonus points if that tingle targets people I never liked in the first place. Double bonus points if the prison they’re sent to has a cool nickname.

What’s that? Am I a lawyer? Yes. I’ve represented myself in many court cases. Guess what? I didn’t need some “real” attorney to get my manslaughter charge lowered from the fourth to first degree all by myself.

Look, all I want to do is make fuck-you money, stay high, and maybe own a horse. If the government needs to kill a few kittens, I’m for it so long as they make that shit look cool. War? Torture? Disappearances? Corruption? At best, I’ll recite the Pledge at a gas station when the whistle finally blows. At worst, the movie version will win an Oscar in 20 years. Besides, the victims of government atrocities are dead long before any discussion of “rights” begins. It’s all freebies until then. So go bomb that hospital, toss those undesirables into unmarked vans, blow the budget on pork, and then cut me a check. I also take Venmo.

Call me hypocritical, but you’re no different. Deep down, you love it when the government breaks bones in your favor, and you hate it when that same heavy hand turns against you. It’s all worth it for the chance to watch your enemies’ guts drip off the toes of Big Brother.
Now go answer that knock at your door. The Department of Defense received a tip that there’s oil under your house. My new Kia isn’t going to fuel itself.

“You Gonna Eat That or Can I?” Asks Guy Who Noticed Your Earwax-Covered Earplugs

Posted on by John Danek

MADISON, Wis. — Noticing the copious golden earwax covering your Eargasm concert earplugs, a depraved concertgoer at the Riff Palace Festival asked if you were interested in eating the nasty sludge coating, vomiting audience members reported.

“So are you going to eat that? Or can I have it? Don’t just throw it away- there are kids in starving countries who would love to have that,” asked Trevor Pinnelli, while motioning towards the gunk-coated earplugs as if they were a large carton of fries. “And look, if there happens to be some dust or dandruff mixed in, all the better. I’ve been working out lately and could use some extra protein. I’m pretty sure dandruff is all protein. Or maybe carbs. Either way, I’m bulking.”

You were horrified to learn that your method of removing your earplugs in between sets at the Riff Palace Festival was not nearly as covert as you had hoped.

“Sure, I produce an egregious amount of earwax and I don’t always remember to clean them after a show, but that doesn’t give this pica-ass motherfucker Trevor the right to ask for my bodily secretions as food,” you stated, hoping your friends focus on the creep rather than your lackluster ear canal hygiene. “He must have been on the lookout, because it only takes me 1.5 seconds to go from ear to carrying case. I practice. It’s a genetic thing. My dad made candles out of his earwax. I’m childfree by choice so as to stop the cycle of wax.”

Manufacturers of concert-grade earplugs are developing cutting-edge technology to go alongside the live music experience.

“I’m going to be very real with you right now- I developed an automotive engine that can run entirely on earwax,” admitted Eargasm founder and CEO Ryan Parry. “In order to perfect the design, we need a gag-inducing amount of human earwax. So I created Eargasm earplugs to help our collection efforts. A small number of buyers try them on, realize there’s no special ‘music attenuation’ or whatever bullshit our marketing says, and send them back with wads of wax in tow. You know how they call oil ‘black gold’? Well, they’re soon going to call earwax ‘gold gold.’”

Subsequent witness reports indicated Pinnelli was last seen at the festival’s exit, digging through trash for poorly applied wristbands with hair caught in the adhesive portion.

Man Pretty Confident That Another 40 Dollar Band Tee Will Turn His Life Around

Posted on by John Adkins

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local man Bart Carlsen is positive the $40 band tee he’s receiving in the mail today will turn his life around, confirmed sources.

“Look, my job sucks. My wife hates me. My only hobby is brewing craft beers in my basement and by brewing craft beers I mean drinking craft beers,” griped Carlsen while scrolling the merch on Rockabilia’s website. “But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Because when people see me rockin’ this new Queens of the Stone Age tee, they’re gonna see a man of impeccable music taste, fashion, and badassery. I can already feel it––I’m going to be rolling in compliments from strangers the minute I put it on before going in the pool. Who knows? This could be the thing that finally gets me that corporate promotion at work.”

Carlsen’s wife, however, is less optimistic about the shirt’s impact.

“Do you know how many band tees he’s purchased in the last month? He’s running us toward financial ruin!” groaned Sheila Carlsen. “We get it. You like the Black Keys. But that can’t be your whole personality! Oh! And did I mention that my closet is completely overrun with band tees? I mean last week I caught him chucking all my clothes on the floor to make room for his five new Soundgarden tees. It’s getting out of control. He has enough band apparel to make his own Hot Topic wall of shirts.”

Despite Carlsen’s exuberance, renowned psychologist Dr. Melina Forrester asserts that there is no research to back up his lofty expectations.

“‘I’m sorry, this bozo believes that by purchasing an item of clothing it will supposedly serve as an outward expression of his taste. Will it turn his life around? No. There is absolutely no research to support that. Just a hunch,” said Dr. Forrester. “But hey, if you see him rocking the shirt, maybe give him a nod and smile to acknowledge it. I mean, don’t be too nice. It’s just a band tee––it’s not like he’s actually working on himself by going to therapy or joining a gym or meditating. Either way, this guy clearly needs a win. Actually, he probably needs a bunch of wins. Like literally so many wins.”

Upon the shirt’s arrival, Carlsen put it on only to immediately realize that he had ordered the wrong size, which ruined his entire month.

Photo by Toro.

Fact Check: Is That Guy From the National Really “A Birthday Candle in a Circle of Black Girls”?

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s no secret that we live in an age of disinformation. For many years now America has been under the influence of a charismatic manipulator, whose constant stream of lies divide us and warp our sense of reality. We’re referring of course to The National’s Matt Berninger.

Berninger is no stranger to outrageous claims, which his most ardent defenders casually dismiss as “hyperbole,” Over the years the baritone indie darling has boasted of being “a perfect piece of ass,” to be “put together beautifully,” and to be incapable of fucking us over because he’s “Mr. November.” There is one claim, however, that quite literally takes the cake — in a track off of 2005’s “Alligator,” Berninger claims to be “A birthday candle in a circle of black girls.”

Make no mistake, this is not an instance of hyperbole. “I’m a birthday candle in a circle of black girls” is a declarative statement — something Berninger is presenting as fact. Since this claim wound up having far-reaching global consequences (all the wine is all for him now) The Hard Times has decided to investigate its validity.

CLAIM: Matt Berninger is a birthday candle in a circle of black girls.

RATING: FALSE

After thorough investigation and research, our fact-check team has proven conclusively that Matt Berninger is not a birthday candle in a circle of black girls. Let’s break it down:

Instant deflection
Listen again to Berninger making this claim. Before anyone can even question his outrageous statement he cuts them off with a curt “God is on my side,” a tactic clearly designed to rally support from his evangelical base. Berninger follows this with “I’m the childbride,” clearly using the publics outrage with pedophilia to bury the transparent lie he just told.

Whose birthday?
To date, no one has come forward.

Medical records
Leaked records of Berninger’s medical history seem to indicate that he is a mammal. He’s warm blooded, a vertebrate, and possesses a neocortex. Also, he needs to watch his cholesterol.

Any time Berninger has been lit on fire he has extinguished himself almost immediately
Conspicuous behavior for a man claiming to be a wax cylinder with a wick in the middle designed for slow, controlled burning, providing illumination for emergencies and special occasions.

What would that even be?
Like seriously, what is that, what is he saying? What would that even be a metaphor for? What the fuck are we even talking about here?

As you can see, the evidence is clear, and damning. If Berninger lied about being a birthday candle in a circle of black girls back in 2005, what else is he lying about? Did he really see a feathery woman carry a blindfolded man through the streets? Is it really a common fetish for a common man to ballerina on the coffee table, cock in hand? Is that man really a balloon? By spreading this falsehood Berninger has damaged not only his own reputation, but the credibility of the entire summer lovin’ torture party.

DUI From Two Beers Kind of Embarrassing

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

MADISON, Wis. — Local loser Jim Perkins reportedly found his DUI from two beers kind of embarrassing, confirmed sources who recommended he not show his face in public.

“I mean, you do the crime, you do the time. I’m probably due about 13 life sentences at this point. Am I right?” Perkins said while cheering a lukewarm Pabst Blue Ribbon to no one. “Two beers is pretty much my baseline. This DUI is like having an affair for two days and that’s it. So humiliating. What’s the point if you don’t get to enjoy driving under the influence? I can’t believe I have to tell the guys at work that I had my license suspended over two Michelob Ultras. See, kids? This is why you go for whiskey. It sounds cooler when you break the law.”

Perkins’s wife couldn’t be more disappointed in him.

“I mean, Jim has really let himself go these past few years. First it was a few pounds, then it was plateauing at the office, now this? It’s fucking pathetic,” said Janet Perkins. “I’m not saying I support drinking and driving. But if you’re going to do it you might as well get your car wrapped around a telephone pole like a real man. Or at least he could have plowed through our unsightly mailbox so I could use my anger as an excuse to buy something nice for myself.”

Jim Peters, the cop who pulled Perkins over, expressed his concerns.

“It’s not always popular but we have to be laying down the law. It’s a safety issue. Even though, I mean, this wasn’t even THAT bad, right?” said Peters. “Like, hypothetically, if you had crushed a six pack of Coronas at a friend’s house and driven home really fast with the cop lights on there’s like a two day long statute of limitations on that, right? It’s fine my- I mean my friend’s- body camera was turned off for a reason! You didn’t put this in writing, right?”

At press time, Perkins explained that he had received the infraction when stopped at a mandatory checkpoint coming home from a work happy hour, where he likened the monitoring to 1984, the year he got his last DUI.

ICE Agent Gets Wounded Veteran License Plates After His Feelings Are Hurt

Posted on by Justin Cummings

STOCKTON, Calif. — Local ICE agent Tony Stockton added wounded veteran plates to his Ford F150 after getting his feelings hurt in what he referred to as “the Battle of San Bernadino,” confirmed sources who were pointing and laughing.

“We were just following orders and trying to catch a couple of farm worker ladies. They were leaving an alfalfa field to allegedly pick up their toddlers and we were told they might be undocumented,” said Stockton. “The women went into a building decorated with primary colors and we followed. We were planning to send them to an internment camp, but then a pre-school teacher referred to us as the modern day gestapo and gave us a double middle finger. It’s almost like the general public despises us. I tried calling the VA to talk to them about my PTSD and they hung up. My wife said I should go to therapy, but I don’t believe in it.”

Sofia Villanova was working at a local daycare and pre-school when four masked men with guns and flak jackets kicked in the school’s front door.

“The children were screaming. The men burst in and they were pointing their guns at everybody. I walked up to the one man and looked him straight in his eyes. I told him that his mother and grandmother should be ashamed of themselves and that they were bootlicking scum,” said Villanova. “I saw a scared hurt look in his eye like a little boy, so I yelled even louder, ‘not today, you fascist stormtrooper motherfucking virgin.’ I saw him start to tear up and he ran away. It felt great.”

Amy Anderson from the California DMV said that she has been seeing an increase in wounded veteran plates in the past few months.

“Because of the massive cuts to the VA system, the VA’s process for specialty license plates approval has been streamlined to automatically approve all applicants,” said Anderson. “They are eventually just going to approve plates for somebody losing Call of Duty or a cop who got his feelings hurt by a protester. It is absolutely ridiculous.”

At press time, Stockton also checked to see if he qualified for a handicap parking space after getting his feelings hurt by an 80-year-old grandmother.

Rock Bottom or Peak Performance? This Dad Just Ate All the Uncrustables at Kid’s Birthday Party

Posted on by John Adkins

Local Dad Matt Fredricksen was recently busted for eating all the Uncrustables at his daughter Kayla’s 5th birthday. Naturally, Matt’s antics have left the people divided — did he finally hit rock bottom? Or is this peak performance? Let’s investigate.

One thing’s for sure, Matt worked up a crazy appetite whilst on “balloon duty” (literally his only job during party prep). And let’s be honest, blowing up an overly-expensive “happy birthday” balloon banner from Target would make any 45-year-old man ravenous. Especially if you’re Matt. Which means you try to rawdog the balloons (no instructions, no pump), only to accidentally pop the “R” and the “Y.” So naturally, you crash out and destroy the whole goddamn banner while your father-in-law insults your disorganized garage (which equates to, you guessed it, not being a man). So yeah. Matt might’ve deserved to drown his complex feelings of masculinity with a snack designed for children. Maybe it’s peak performance after all.

Also, Matt would like to argue that he was doing a public service by eating all of the Uncrustables. How could this be? Well, because according to Matt, there was already a metric fuck-ton of sugar on the menu. Oh! You wanted to throw a birthday party for a bunch of first graders where the food consists entirely of watermelon, Capri-Suns, birthday cake, and ICE CREAM? What a fucking shit show! So, Matt basically saved all of the parents from the sugar crash of the century by eliminating the UnCrustables. A far-fetched and ineffective justification? Perhaps. But I kinda like where Matt’s head was at. Another point for “peak performance.”

And yet, there’s a solid case to be made on the Rock Bottom front. When Matt’s peanut butter-encrusted mustache (which he claims isn’t inspired by Benson Boone but totally is) was caught red-handed, Matt made the crucial error of blaming it on one of the kids at the party. More specifically, he blamed it on a homeschooler named Bran whose mom never lets him eat sugar. And Bran would’ve been the perfect kid to pin it on, because that kid loves to hammer sugar when his mom isn’t looking. But alas, Bran wasn’t even at the party. And blaming your Uncrustables gorge-fest on a kid who wasn’t even at the party is objectively bad optics.

So yeah. The jury’s still out on whether this is rock bottom or peak performance for Matt. But one thing’s for certain — Matt’s gonna have some crazy bowel movements and nightmares tonight.

Man Who Still Thinks Garth Brooks and Chris Gaines Are Different People Worried About Children’s Media Literacy

Posted on by Cody Arbor

IOWA CITY, Iowa — Suburban father Tyler Rainey expressed frustration over children’s lack of media literacy, despite firmly believing country singer Garth Brooks and his fictional persona Chris Gaines are different people, confirmed sources.

“The fact that these kids believe the lamestream news media or that the earth is round is alarming,” said Rainey without breaking eye contact from Fox News on his television. “This is just like back in the day when that Chris Gaines guy showed up and tried to steal the thunder from Garth Brooks, the greatest country-music-rock-n-roll crossover musician to ever live. This Gaines guy was just riding the coattails of his own series of unlikely, horrific personal tragedies to try and get famous. Now if you’ll excuse me. The DMV just texted asking for my Social Security number and credit card information. Better get that ready for them.”

The man’s son Cole Rainey was unsurprised about this newest declaration.

“Dad’s really needed something to occupy his time since the whole ‘Snyder Cut’ debacle. I mean there’s only so many times you can watch a four and a half hour long movie that probably could have been a Wikipedia article,” said the 11-year-old making sure to keep his tone steady as contradiction was a quick trip to another rant from his father. “I tried to explain things like ‘context’ and ‘themes,’ but he was too preoccupied with an image of a crop circle in the shape of Jesus he saw on Facebook. AI slop is going to destroy that generation.”

Child psychologist Dr. Barkha Jailili was still ultimately optimistic.

“Sometimes in a child’s life, he realizes that his dad’s the kind of guy who thinks ‘Robocop’ is a movie about how awesome robot cops are or that Homelander is the ‘real hero’ of ‘The Boys,’” said Dr. Jailili. “I don’t know Cole’s father, but I’d imagine he’s the type to loudly threaten a fictional character like Chris Gaines, and once you put aside that he owns three guns, you just hope he’ll lose interest because Billy Ray Cyrus did another collaboration with Lil Nas X. People like him give themselves questions they think only they can answer, but Cole’s a good kid. He’ll bounce back from this after around five years of intense therapy. Maybe three years, if he finds an understanding, supportive partner!”

As of writing, Mr. Rainey said he firmly believed that one of the Property Brothers wasn’t real and a hoax created to sell ad space.

Crying Baby on Flight Speaks for Everyone

Posted on by Rachel Hein

TOLEDO, Ohio — A local infant became the voice of the people as he wretched in discomfort and unleashed a harsh, ear-splitting wail reserved only for the skies, a sentiment that was shared across all passengers and crew, sources confirm.

“Listen, the kid was spot on,” shared witness Richard Halverson who was seated in the row behind the howling tot. “He looked right at me and spoke truth to power. I felt it in my bones. You know the day I’ve had? Flight cancelled out of Heathrow. Rerouted through Toronto. Luggage tracker shows it’s in Atlanta. And LA’s not even my destination, I’m trying to get to Dallas tonight! I can’t feel my body from the belt down because no leg room. I’m hungry. I’m tired. I’m sad. It just makes me want to cry, drool, and spit up some bile.”

Mother of the infant of interest, Susan Perry, impressively bounced her son on her knee and actively gesticulated, while bemoaning her lot.

“Oh, you think I wanted to be traveling with this screaming, colicky emotional terrorist? Of course not. My deadbeat husband forgot to coordinate childcare, so I got stuck taking him to my sister’s. This was supposed to be my one weekend to relax and read my fantasy book where the dragon is about to fuck the princess,” Perry lamented while shedding some tears. “I know I’m supposed to love this baby, and I do. I do. But I just miss when I could just stare out the window of a plane, headphones in, all alone with my thoughts. I had so many great thoughts. I don’t remember the last time I did that.”

Co-captain, Sean Whitley, confirmed the child’s tears even triggered a response in the aircraft’s cockpit.

“Yeah we heard it. That kid had some pipes on him. It just reminded me I’m missing my son’s birthday because United had me on call and booked me at the last minute for a long-haul because of delays in Memphis. I hate this job. Growing up, I always wanted to be a pilot, but I wish I’d done literally anything else,” Whitley said with a thousand-yard stare. “My son used to look at me and say, ‘Daddy, do airplane!’ And I’d put him on my back and pretend to lift off the ground like an airplane and zoom around the house, and we’d laugh and laugh. But he’s 17 now. I can tell he doesn’t respect me or admire me like he used to.”

At press time, the infant, deemed fight spokesperson, had a smooth landing and full diaper upon arrival.