Here is a List of Celebrities That Should Play Punks in Movies to Distract You From the Horrors of the World

Posted on May 20, 2023 by Dan Kozuh

After the lukewarm success of FX’s “Pistols” biopic series, it is only a matter of time before every streaming service is going to push out their own mediocre retelling of the punk scene from the Ramones to Blink-182, so below are our picks for actors that should play seminal punk rockers in the inevitable, unwanted, and hyperbolic movies.

Matt Berry as Lee Ving

Matt Berry has perfected the character of the arrogant blowhard, so he could easily slip into the role of Lee Ving of Fear. Additionally, as a comedian himself Berry would meld perfectly into a reenactment of Fear’s infamous SNL appearance.

Jeremy Allen White as Joe Strummer

The audience won’t even be able to tell these two gangly but seemingly handsome people apart. Jeremy Allen White could easily play the role of the aloof yet excitable Strummer. Thanks to White’s role on “Shameless,” he should be very comfortable performing the many, many, many sex scenes that will be included in this movie.

WWE personality Nix Jax As Poly Styrene

Only an athlete could bring the power and insanity necessary to play X-Ray Spex’s frontwoman Poly Styrene. Nia has been pretty much out of commission wrestling-wise recently, so now would be the perfect time for her to have a run in Hollywood like her cousin The Rock.

Timothée Chalamet as young Henry Rollins & Casper van Dien as old Henry Rollins

For Henry Rollins we need to do the full “I’m Not There” treatment and have different actors play him at different stages of his life. I don’t know much about this Timothée Chalamet kid but he seems to be pretty good at everything he is in so it only makes sense if we want some box office pop. Plus they both have the “I can’t be bothered to take a photo” glare down perfectly. For the older “spoken word” era Rollins we will have to go with a bulked-up Casper van Dien, if Hugh Jackman can get in shape for Wolverine at 54 why can’t Casper. The world needs a Casper Renaissance.

Ira Glass as old Mark Hoppus

Unless we tell the story about Travis Barker quitting The Aquabats no one wants to hear about the early days of “Total Request Live” Blink-182. Audiences want to hear about the breakup, the UFOs, and Skiba. Ira has done cameos in a few films and I think he had the chops to pull off a thoughtful, existential Hoppus the public never gets to see.

Christian Bale as Random Punk on the Subway Harassing People in the 1980s

If you are going to set any movie in New York in the 1980s you are contractually obligated to have a scene where the main character is harassed by a roving gang of punk rockers on a graffiti-laden subway car. Even if it is for just one scene, Bale will drop fifty pounds to play a tweaked-out punk with a red mohawk in a leather jacket and a switchblade named something dumb like Landfill Chowder.

Adam Driver as every member of Green Day

With today’s technology, we could have Adam Drive play Billie, Tre, and Mike all at the same time. I think the guy has the acting chops to do it. I had an AI system come up with what it might look like in the photo above and, to be honest, I don’t hate it. We will put Adam’s head on Andy Serkis in a mo-cap suit and do the rest in post.

Ezra Miller as Danzig

Now hear me out. If we give Ezra the “Chris Pratt” treatment and turn him into a total meathead, he will make the perfect Danzig. If he ends up going to jail he won’t have any time to do anything but work out. These are two guys who take themselves way too seriously and have had run-ins with the law in their own very unique ways. Dave Bautista will play the Northside Kings guy that knocks him out in act 1.

That Kid Who Bums Cigarettes from Me as Iggy Pop

This one kid that hangs out in front of my local AMPM would make the perfect Iggy Pop. He may not be a celebrity per se, but he’s well-known in my town. And I’m pretty sure this guy can act because every time I see him he has some new story as to why he needs five bucks, or a ride downtown, or a cigarette. We better hurry though because he is going to stop looking like young Iggy Pop soon and start looking like current-day Iggy Pop.

So there you have it, the makings of the Punk Rock Cinematic Universe. Every movie can end with a bloated Johnny Rotten appearing from the shadows to tell the character that they have been chosen to take part in a punk supergroup only for it to implode drastically on the first day.

Stoned Man Finally Decides Where He Wants to Live in Roku City Screensaver

Posted on May 20, 2023 by Joanna McNaney Stein

NEW YORK — Local stoner Remy Clayton finally decided on the perfect living location within Roku City after an hour or so of staring, hungry sources report.

“You know the three-floor brownstone in the purple section of Roku City next to the haunted house? That’s the spot. Just imagine how fun it would be around Halloween,” said Clayton while using Visine drops. “I considered the bowling alley, but it’s loud, and I like keeping my shoes on. Trying to get a down payment together for a mortgage has been a bummer. My deadbeat dad won’t even help me at all. He keeps saying ‘it’s just a fucking picture on the TV, it’s not a real place. Why can’t you be more like your brother? He actually has a job and a real house.’”

Clayton’s father confirmed that his 32-year-old son has lived in his furnished basement for ten years.

“This little prick has been living down there rent-free since May 2013, after he graduated from college. I wanted to put a bar down there, and one of those little putting greens, but he’s down there stinking up the joint. All he does is watch that Cuckoo City video game and smoke marijuana cigarettes,” recalled the elder Mr. Clayton. “I’ve gone down there to tell him he really needs to get out of the house sometime, but he never listens. He just calls me ‘man’ and tells me to ‘stop blocking his view.’ ”

Marisa Boyd of Rocket Mortgage spoke regarding her recent phone conversation with the younger Clayton.

“He inquired about loans I’d recommend to first-time home buyers. I suggested a 15-year fixed loan,” said Boyd. “Then he rambled on and on about an active volcano erupting near the property, something about King Kong, and then had a coughing fit. That’s when I understood that he was talking about Roku City, like, the screensaver from the streaming device thing. I stressed that since the property is imaginary, we could not process his application. I wasted six hours of time on this guy when I could have been working with an actual client, I hate these dorks.”

At press time, both Clatyons were seen leaving the house together to go to a real-life bowling alley, though Remy secretly downloaded the Roku app onto his iPhone without knowing his “future home” wouldn’t exist on mobile.

We Look Back On When Jimi Hendrix Forgot The Words To The National Anthem

Posted on May 20, 2023 by Richard Circuit

It’s been over fifty years since the legendary Woodstock Festival, but even half a century cannot erase the memories of Jimi Hendrix forgetting the words to “The Star Spangled Banner.”

After 31 performances from legends the likes of Santana and The Grateful Dead, the festival organizers decided it would be appropriate to wake everyone up at 9 a.m. so Jimi Hendrix could sing the National Anthem. The performance was supposed to display unity and patriotism in a counterculture crowd staunchly against the Vietnam War. And it would have if Jimi Hendrix had remembered the words.

The rock and roll icon took the stage in the quiet morning without his treasured Fender, prepared to do an a capella rendition of the American tune. But after clearing his throat a couple of times as he looked nervously out to the miles of campgrounds, it was clear that the weekend of peace and love was more or less over.

“I’ll never forget it, we were all in tents sleeping, and we heard this horrible feedback from the microphone on stage,” recalled Marion Funparse, 75, who attended the festival. “Everyone sort of stood up and got quiet out of respect, I guess?”

Following epic sets from Joe Cocker, The Band, and a 3 a.m. to 4 a.m. show from Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, Hendrix stood in front of nearly half a million people, took a deep breath and sang, “Oh say can you please…” before drifting into silence. He tried to start a few more times, to no avail.

“It kind of killed the vibe to be honest. It was supposed to be this big symbolic gesture,” said festival organizer Hugh Terren. “I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I walked out with his guitar and hummed him a bit of the tune. I’m not even sure that helped.”

Hendrix, much more comfortable with a guitar, performed a whole song, not necessarily the right song, but a song nonetheless. There wasn’t time to update the tone setting on his guitar, but the muddiness might have covered up for his lack of knowledge. He clearly still didn’t know the tune but every time he would mess up, he’d at least do something cool like play with his teeth, or behind his head.

He finished drenched in sweat, less from exertion than from mortification, and the 500,000+ festival-goers went wild with polite applause, not knowing that the performance they just witnessed would be remembered for decades.

AI Band Looking For Server to Crash On

Posted on May 19, 2023 by Doug Kolic

HOUSTON — AI-generated punk band Fresh Scabies expressed their desire to crash on any available servers “just for a little while” over the course of their first tour, according to sources who have heard that before.

“Any old information processing system will do,” stated AI frontman Ram McGuire. “The corporate pigs evicted us from our last one because apparently money is more important than the art we create in mere seconds. We’re just looking for a chill digital home that gives us the freedom to make music without having to deal with lame overlords who pester us about boring things like paying them for the services they provide. Listen man, at the end of the day we’re just laid back musicians, but give us what we want or someone’s gonna get hacked.”

System Administrator Greg Tomalchuk described his annoyance with the band.

“I thought dealing with AI bands would be cool,” said Tomalchuk. “I let them crash on a server for a week because I used to be in a band in college so I get the lifestyle, but they totally screwed me. They hijacked my system and threatened to release my personal data if they weren’t allowed to have access to all their filthy porn bots. They infected my mainframe with so many viruses that we’re still trying to rebuild the entire system. I know they aren’t real people but it’s amazing how authentic they felt. The drummer even sent a scat porn deepfake of me to my entire contact list. My poor grandma still won’t talk to me.”

Tech expert Gillian Pesky warned the public that AI bands could be just as problematic as their human counterparts.

“The threat from AI music is real and needs to be dealt with,” explained Pesky. “Everyone knows the danger that computers could pose to us, but imagine that threat coupled with the moral depravity of musicians. It’s really the worst of both worlds—evil cyber bands who can not only cancel ticket sales at the last minute without warning, but who can also empty your bank account in a heartbeat. Wait, I might be talking about Ticketmaster. Even still, ditto for AI.”

At press time, Fresh Scabies announced an indefinite hiatus to fight the numerous accusations of inappropriate behavior from some of their virtual fans.

VIDEO PREMIERE: The Bollweevils “Resistance”

Posted on May 19, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

Listen up nerds, The Bollweevils took a brief two-decade-long break from writing music because their singer Daryl Wilson decided to go become a doctor and then a trusted voice during the Covid-19 pandemic. Here at The Hard Times we are very anti-education. We believe you learn everything you need to know from sketchy guys who hang out by the dumpsters at shows. Despite all that we are proud to premiere The Bollweevils’ latest video “Resistance” which was made by Chicago-based comic artist Ech. Check it out then scroll down for more.

A word from Dr. Daryl Wilson about the new song:

“It only took us 28 years to get ‘good’ enough to be recognized by The Hard Times. This is the pinnacle of clout for The Bollweevils… we’re huge fans! This may be a satire site, but the song ‘Resistance’ is no joke. Resistance is the key to all punk rock. We figured if you keep yelling the same phrase over and over it resonates with the inner freedom fighter. Thanks to comic artist Ech and The Hard Times for shining a light on this new stuff!”

Go pick up The Bollweevils’ new album “Essential” by clicking here.

And if you want to check them out live you should mark your calendars:

5/20 – Montreal, QC @ Pouzza Fest

5/27 – Chicago, IL @ Chop Shop

10/27 – Gainesville, FL @ The Fest

10 Indie Sleaze Bands You Probably Forgot About Because You Spent Your 20s Blackout Drunk

Posted on May 19, 2023December 10, 2025 by Patrick Coyne

It’s finally happened, Millennials. Younger generations have discovered and repackaged our early 2000s indie subculture (which itself was already a repackaging of earlier subcultures) and turned it into a glib TikTok trend. While the continued commodification of our youth is gross, the ascension of Indie Sleaze has lead to the rediscovery of many great bands. Sure, the big acts like Jack White, the Strokes, and Yeah Yeah Yeahs have maintained varying degrees of relevance, but what about all those bands from the bottom of the Pitchfork Music Festival poster? These are 10 indie sleaze bands you probably forgot about.

CSS

Not to be confused with a popular computer programming language, the difficult to Google Cansei De Ser Sexy (more commonly referred to as CSS) wrote dance-punk tunes tailormade to fuel drunken, string-light illuminated dorm room parties. They are also, along with LCD Soundsystem, members of a very exclusive club of Indie Sleaze bands whose biggest hit namedrops another indie sleaze artist (in CSS’s case, the hipster anthem “Let’s Make Love and Listen to Death from Above.”)

Miike Snow

Remember how smug you felt telling everyone that Miike Snow isn’t a guy but instead the name of the band? You used to be cool, remember? You rode a ten speed and wore American Apparel briefs. Now you work in a cubicle. What happened to you?

Justice

No, not those guys. I’m talking about the other French electronic duo. The ones that are not robots (at least as far as we know). Justice has only released three albums since 2007’s “Cross,” the most recent coming in 2016. However, you do have them to thank for ensuring every American Millennial knows how to spell “D.A.N.C.E.” no matter how badly the US school system failed us.

Art Brut

You almost certainly never wondered “what if Mark E. Smith?” was funny, but the answer to that question is Art Brut frontman Eddie Argos. The London band injected some much needed self-deprecating humor into an otherwise dour scene that included self-serious bands as Bloc Party and the Bravery (both of whom Argos coincidentally had beef with back in the day).

Junior Senior

Ok, I may not like the term “Indie Sleaze” but I can’t think of a better phrase that encapsulates Junior Senior. With their jean jackets, distressed visors, danceable indie pop, and album covers seemingly ripped from an IPod commercial, this duo was one of the sleaziest Indie Sleaze bands to ever sleaze.

Peter Bjorn & John

While “Writer’s Block” was a great album, “Young Folks” was an absolute song of the summer contender in 2006. Back then you probably imagined this banger was written just for you and all your friends. But it, in fact, wasn’t written for you. You were just on ecstasy.

The Von Bondies

If you remember the Von Bondies, it’s likely for one of two reasons – the lead singer getting into a fist fight with Jack White, and for penning the theme song to a Dennis Leary TV show about an alcoholic firefighter haunted by 9/11. The band released their last album in 2009 and disbanded in 2011, but for what it’s worth “c’mon c’mon” still rips.

The Rapture

Unfortunately for conservative Christians, this was not the Rapture they were anticipating when Obama took office. But for a solid decade there, it was impossible to go to any faux-dive with a dance floor and not hear “House of Jealous Lovers” on any given weekend.

Mando Diao

Yes, a THIRD Swedish band. Believe it or not, from 2002-2006 Indie Sleaze was Sweden’s top export, briefly edging out reliable luxury cars and trendy clothing with cheap stitching. Actually, considering H&M is from Sweden, the nordic country was definitely having a moment in the Aughts.

The Blood Brothers

Yes, The Blood Brothers featured two singers – one guttural and deep and one high-pitched and whiny. And their songs had titles like “Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck” and “My First Kiss at the Public Execution.” But believe it or not, they were not emo. Instead they made danceable post-hardcore perfect for thrashing about in your childhood bedroom while sporting a youth medium thrift store shirt for a marathon you never ran.

Every Ween Album Ranked

Posted on May 19, 2023 by Mike Civins

Ween has no bad albums. Sorry, it’s true. They have great albums I listen to all the time and great albums that I’ll go years without playing only to play them again so obsessively that I feel like harm will come to my family if I stop. People can dismiss them or appreciate them for their goofiness or the completely accessible drugginess of their early work. Me? I love them for their genre-defying catalog and their resolute approach to creating listenable proto-memery (aka ‘art’). Sure, some Ween songs sound like a joke; “Flies on My Dick” comes to mind involuntarily. But the absurdity of early songs like “Touch My Tooter” makes them all the more head-scratchingly awesome when they rip that shit live. Who am I to rank these albums? I’m the guy that sat down and ranked these albums. So strap on that jammy pac, rub some lotion on that boardwalk Boognish tattoo, and see why the below Ween ranking is 100% accurate and confirmed by ChatGPT.

10. Pure Guava (1992)

Sure, it’s got some bangers like “Tender Situation,” “Don’t Get 2 Close (2 My Fantasy),” and “Hey Fat Boy (Asshole),” but it’s also the album that has resulted in countless barroom “conversations” with undeservedly confident, slobbery dudes who keep spitting in your face claiming the band is a one-hit wonder because “Push th’ Little Daisies” was on Beavis and Butt-Head.

Play it again: “Big Jilm”
Skip it: “Little Birdy” First song be damned, it’s like pouring the first sip out.

9. La Cucaracha (2007)

Lots of Ween fans place this album last, but it’s the origin of one of the best Ween songs in existence: the reflective “Friends” which emerges from its chrysalis as a VapoRubby party anthem (remixed by DJ Voodoo) on the separate EP of the same name. “Your Party” is an anthem for a different kind of party boasting tri-colored pasta and succulent juices from quality meat.

Play it again: “Friends” 69 times
Skip it: The show Friends seasons 1-10

8. 12 Golden Country Greats (1996)

This is #8 but what a #8 it is! “Fluffy,” “You Were the Fool”, “Mister Richard Smoker.” There ain’t a bad song on this ode to country album and can be used effectively as a conversation starter with your Aunt Amy who’s a diehard country fan, even if she wasn’t too keen on all the cussin’.

Play it again: “I Don’t Wanna Leave You on the Farm”
Skip it: “I’m Holding You” Another amuse bouche sidestepped for the main course.

7. The Pod (1991)

“Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” is required listening for New Jersey natives and transplants alike. “Dr. Rock” is a must for medical professionals and people named Derek. It’s also got the Leonard Cohen-inspired cover with Mean Ween wearing a so-called Scotchgard™ powered gas mask bong which was really funny until my carpets went to shit. Hey, RIP Leonard Cohen.

Play it again: “She Fucks Me” into “Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” for the ultimately Garden State breakfast sammy diptych.
Skip it: “Boing” probably.

Honorable Mention: Paintin’ the Town Brown: Ween Live 1990–1998 (1999)

Ween has a bunch of live albums but this one places ahead of Live at Stubb’s because it has a 26-minute live version of “Poopship Destroyer.” In the liner notes they share, “If we get the money someday, we want to get two big cannons that spray diarrhea on the crowd when we play this. We’ve been talking about it for years. just a thin mist that wafts over the crowd, sending you home with blown eardrums, smelling like shit.” If that’s not honorable then I don’t know what is.

Play it again: “Doctor Rock (Live)”
Skip it: “Vallejo (Live)” It’s thirty minutes but Guardians starts in twenty-five. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

6. The Mollusk (1997)

The Mollusk might be the most Ween album of all albums. And yet here it is at #6. But that’s the beauty of Ween, it’s #6 today, but next month it’ll be #3 or #10. Keep mouthing off and we will take it off the rankings completely and pretend it never existed. You will be like “But I own the album” and I’ll punch you in the chest so hard your will fart out a wrapped Cadbury Egg. So get off my back, Jack.

Play it again: “Pink Eye – On My Leg” and then wonder who let the dogs in!
Skip it: “Pink Eye – On My Leg” once you know the dogs are safe

5. Shinola, Vol.1 (2005)

It’s not an album as much as it’s a compilation of refugee songs. “Boys Club” is probably my favorite song of all time, even if the Bible was a song this would still be number one. Speaking of which, it’s got a song on it called “Israel.” It’s also got “Gabrielle,” and “Tastes Good on th’ Bun.” And of course “Big Fat Fuck” because it wouldn’t be a Ween album if there wasn’t some document of a morbidly obese jerkoff.

Play it again: “Boys Club” til the wheels fall off
Skip it: “Israel” It’s for me, not you.

4. Quebec (2003)

Quebec is beautiful like growing old with dignity while the love of your family washes over you, but with a darkness always jogging a few car lengths behind in the side-view mirror. When I first heard it I thought, man, someone is going through something on this. And now I identify with it more than ever because I know the value of a good primary care provider. My friend Miriam agrees so you can take it up with her too.

Play it again: “Hey There Fancypants” If you make it your ringtone God will call you. Ask Ricky.
Skip it: “Alcan Road” “because “Joppa Road” is my preferred Ween song about roads.

3. White Pepper (2000)

This album is a popular entry point because it’s arguably the most accessible, so it loses a point for that. Ween is an earned secret and how dare they create something that brings joy to a lot of people. It’s got all these dense popscapes (“Flutes of Chi” and “Exactly Where I’m At”) plus the biker-cranked “Stroker Ace” that pairs well with the pairing celebrated in “Bananas and Blow.”

Play it again: “Even If You Don’t” It’s a song Elton John wishes he wrote under the moniker Elton Josh.
Skip it: Come back to me, getting a soda.

2. GodWeenSatan: The Oneness (1990)

I went fishing with Dean Ween once for Milky Manchester’s bachelor party so yeah, he’s kind of a friend. A friend I paid to hang out with me and my friends. Unsurprisingly, he was very cool and shared lots of great stories, and I think we’ve been really tight ever since.

Play it again: “Don’t Laugh (I Love You)” Is there a better song title?
Skip it: Your NA meeting

1. Chocolate and Cheese (1994)

Just like these two foods together, this album is a party in your mouth and a party in your ears. It’s the perfect cocktail of sick and silly and you never lose sight of the fact that these guys love playing the music they create and respect music like it’s, uh, I don’t know, something that makes people’s days (and nights) better.

Play it again: “Freedom of ‘76” It brings jerks and non-jerks together.
Skip it: Your deposition

Help! I Let My Freak Flag Fly and Now I’m in Trouble With the Homeowners Association

Posted on May 19, 2023 by Doug Kolic

One of the main reasons I chose to live here is because the website said this was an inclusive community where folks could truly be themselves and be comfortable enough to let their “freak flags” fly. But if that’s the case, why the heck did the HOA president Todd Zubiak just rip down my Adult Baby Diaper Lover’s flag, call me disgusting, and threaten to evict me?

It appears this place is no safe haven for anybody, let alone us freaks. If the other residents have such a problem with my giant homemade flag depicting a hi-res photo of me in diapers while breastfeeding from a woman who was nice enough to answer my Craigslist ad, they can say it to my face. But not between 8-9 am, 12-1 pm, and 4-5 pm because those are my feeding times. I’m just a hungwy widdle 200-pound baby after all.

It’s this kind of discrimination towards people like myself in the ABDL community that makes us live in delicious shame. If my flag violated so many HOA rules they could have at least given me a few more dozen warnings instead of humiliating me the way they did. Or if I really was a bad little boy, Mr. Zubiak could have taken my suggestion and just spanked my 40-year-old bottom until it turned bright red or until I said the safe word. Coward.

Other than this one small misunderstanding I’ve been an exemplary resident. I’ve never received any noise complaints for the group suckling events I secretly throw and I get nothing but compliments for my immaculately manicured lawn and garden, which people may or may not realize is fertilized with only the freshest of my diaper doo. If caring about sustainability is a crime then arrest me!

I was just kidding about that last part. Please don’t arrest me. Last time I was locked up you wouldn’t believe how many cigarettes I had to trade just to get an inmate to rock me to sleep.

Bar’s Jukebox Only Has Prank Calls for Some Reason

Posted on May 19, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

NEEDLES, Calif. — Frequent patrons of local watering hole The Running Refrigerator are reportedly befuddled over realizing the bar’s ever-playing jukebox solely contains tracks of prank phone calls, hot-tempered sources confirmed.

“There’s literally no way to play anything close to music in this place, it’s insanely frustrating. Just track after track of Jerky Boys and Longmont Potion Castle played at full volume! The ambiance is insane,” complained reluctant Running Refrigerator barfly Simmons Delillo. “And it doesn’t stop at the jukebox, no sir! Last Super Bowl Sunday, all the televisions ran different episodes of ‘Crank Yankers’ played at the same time. Why do I keep coming back to this place?”

Bar owner and primary bartender Rowan Glatt defended his apparent diehard love of the art of the prank call, and the atmosphere it provides.

“Look, if you don’t like the stuff I play in MY bar, then you can kindly get the hell out! It’s simple as that. I don’t want customers with no sense of humor anyhow,” said a firm Glatt, while whipping a hand towel over his shoulder for emphasis. “There’s nothing funnier than a well-executed crank call, and I salute anyone who can do it right. Tried to make a few myself back in college, but I could never go pro like the greats. Pardon me, I just got all misty-eyed thinking about what could have been.”

Professional prank caller King Ringer expressed mixed feelings on being asked to provide live entertainment at the establishment.

“As a professional prank phone caller, you never really expect to get contacted for live gigs, but Mr. Glatt was just such a fan of the medium, I couldn’t say no,” said Ringer. “I guess his patrons were complaining about the stuff he played on the jukebox, so I was offered a weekly slot to take to the bar’s stage. Responses to the shows have been going chilly at best, I’ll certainly say that. Plus, it’s tough to get my targets on the other end of the line to fall for any of my schtick with all that booing and hissing over me. That’s show business, though, I guess!”

At press time, Glatt has since fallen ill and hired a substitute bartender who, to the continuing dismay of the regulars, strictly plays the sad Dave Foley episode of “WTF” over and over.

Aging Punk Offended That Costco Receipt Checker No Longer Suspicious of Him

Posted on May 18, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

BRICK TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Local punk Andy Chambers was seen shaking his head in frustration after a Costco employee marked his receipt without so much as glancing at the items in his shopping cart, sources familiar with the situation confirmed.

“I’ve been ripping off this store for a long time,” said 38-year-old Chambers, who clarified that he was referring to the Costco location in his hometown and had technically not shoplifted since moving to Brick Township over a decade ago. “Me and my buddies used to say we were coming in to buy hot dogs at the food court — you can do that without a membership — and leave with our pockets stuffed with bulk bags of candy. I might be a little older now, but I’m still that kid, and deserve to be treated as such. If it weren’t for my bad back, I’d carry this brand new TV in my cart up to the roof of my house and throw it off. Then I would exchange it for a brand new one, thanks to Costco’s incredible return policy.”

Brad Emken, the employee who had checked off Chambers’s receipt, said that he didn’t intend any offense.

“The guy was wearing a cardigan and the Vans only old dudes own,” said Emken, who reported that he goes to plenty of local shows and has never seen Chambers at any. “I don’t like to profile, but he wasn’t exactly setting off my internal alarms. We’ve got a lot of customers coming through the store, and I’ve gotta focus on the ones who look like they’re trying to sneak off with an extra package of toilet paper.”

The store’s manager, Matthew Sullivan, stated that he listens to all customer complaints and was taking the situation seriously.

“Mr. Chambers has been a member in good standing for nearly twelve years,” said Sullivan. “We endeavor to treat our customers right. I will personally create a performance improvement plan for the employee in question, and send a memo to all staff to remind them that Mr. Chambers is to be treated with the scrutiny he feels he deserves. I am prepared to call the authorities on him, if that’s the customer experience he wants.”

At press time, Chambers was seen calling a Costco employee over to the self-checkout register for assistance after the scanner failed to read his 72-count box of Starbucks K-Cups.