BOSTON — Players, coaches, and administrators for the Boston Celtics celebrated their record-breaking 18th title and claimed the victory was revenge for the city of Dallas killing the 35th president of the United States John F. Kennedy.
“We worked hard all season and we were extra motivated to get this win over Dallas because of the events of November 22nd, 1963 when President Kennedy was shot down in his prime while driving through Dallas,” said Celtics star Jaylen Brown. “We wanted to really prove a point in this series, there was a lone shooter in Texas on that fateful day that changed America, but we had everyone on our team showing them how real shooters operate. I want to dedicate this win to all the surviving Kennedy family members out there and hopefully this win brings you peace.”
Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla says he was specifically practicing to defeat the Mavericks for weeks.
“We dissected game tape and identified plenty of strategies that we knew would deliver us another championship as long as we stayed disciplined,” said Mazzulla. “But also I made sure my players understand the history of this rivalry. Yes, the Celtics are mainly associated with the Lakers, but the rivalry with Dallas is far more personal. I made sure these guys watched the Zapruder film at least 15 times a day, and we listened to ‘Bullet’ by the Misfits to close out every practice. And I made sure Oliver Stone’s ‘JFK’ was the only movie on the airplane when we flew to Dallas. These boys were pumped to play and to exact revenge for Jack Kennedy, and I couldn’t be more proud.”
Boston Independent Businessmen Association leader Patrick “Shallow Grave” Flannagan was happy the official narrative of the JFK assassination brought home another title.
“Yeah listen I’ll tell you what, I’m excited for these kids they earned it. If hating Lee Harvey Oswald and the entire city of Dallas is what it takes to bring home a title then I hope we can run it back next year. I just don’t want anyone digging into Mr. Kennedy’s dealings with the criminal underworld,” said Flannagan. “It would be a real shame if these players were to learn that a criminal conspiracy involving mobs from LA, Chicago, and Boston conspired with the CIA to um, uh, eliminate the president. We want to get back to back championships, so make sure these guys stay away from any fringe podcasts.”
At press time, the convertible President Kennedy was assassinated in is expected to lead victory parade and all book depositories along the route will be closed “just in case.”
It’s not your fault that Stephen O’Malley and Greg Anderson are so obsessed with a guitar amplifier brand that they just HAD to name their band after it, logo and all. But it definitely is your fault for not looking up an interview with them on YouTube first to hear how Sunn O))) is said. So why not escape to a town with more problems than solutions just south of beautiful Baltimore? On any given day, your massive stupidity will be the least attention-grabbing sight in town.
Consider this a recommendation for any town on the Bourbon Trail, but Ludlow is a particular favorite. Most people in these places are out-of-towner bachelor parties getting blackout drunk and blasting Dave Matthews Band on TouchTunes jukeboxes. Nary a doom/drone fan round these parts.
The quirky town of Wall in South Dakota is much more concerned with their oddball tourist trap pharmacy Wall Drug than they are with your complete lack of cultural IQ. And in the unlikely event you start to get some heat from the locals, you can go camp in Badlands National Park to escape. Just don’t get bit by any rattlers.
You still want to enjoy drone metal, but you can’t engage in the metal community anymore. Where to go? The beautiful coal mines of West Virginia! There are few life choices more metal than condemning yourself to the mines of Appalachia. I can’t imagine a disease more kvlt-sounding than black lung.
If you hew close to the strip, you’ll be surrounded by tourists and transients. Safety! If you venture into real Las Vegas, you’ll find the only people on Earth with darker tales than yours. Pronouncing Sunn O))) incorrectly pales in comparison to the average ex-military junta escapee in a Freemont St dive bar.
Everyone here is so high on mushrooms that they will never be able to devote all of their attention to bullying you. And once you settle in and go from microdosing to macrodosing, perhaps the divine psilocybin gods will inform you of the One True Pronunciation of Seattle’s finest drone metal act that no mortal has yet known.
Beautiful, rustic Greene County in Pennsylvania’s southwestern corner has only received new music up to the year 1992, so no one there is aware of Sunn O))) yet. Hell, you could go and start placing bets with people that a band called “Sunn O)))” will become one of the progenitors of a burgeoning style of metal and make yourself a cool $20. Keep reading The Hard Times for more financial advice.
Stone Mountain is the home of Kenneth Parcell, subject of long-running documentary “30 Rock.” Based on his accounts of Stone Mountain, anything beyond the most fundamentalist Christianity is banned; you will never run into another fan of Southern Lord Records around here. It’s probably illegal to even say that record label’s name out loud.
Austin’s population in the year 2024 is almost entirely full of posers, so “Sunn Ohhhhhh” is actually one of the many correct ways to say the doom/drone act’s name there. Enjoy your Tesla factory dorks.
If you watch any film noir from the 1950s, the antihero protagonist is usually trying to escape the law by going to Mexico to start a new life because no one knows them there. 2024’s version of this is moving to Ohio. You have no friends in Ohio and none of your old friends will visit you here. You deserve Ohio and Ohio deserves you.
