Israel Claims Hamas Holding Prime Real Estate Hostage

Posted on by Jessica Carreiro

JERUSALEM, Israel — The Israeli Prime Minister’s office claimed Hamas was holding prime real estate hostage in dangerously tempting conditions, declaring the war would continue at full force until all desirable property and beachfront views had been safely released into Israeli hands, confirmed sources.

“I see photographs of starving children sitting on piles of rubble where their homes used to be, and it makes me sick to think of how that real estate is going to waste! That could be a Zara,” said one of hundreds of Israelis praying for the swift release of the West Bank at a candlelight vigil. “Brave settlers are risking their lives to destroy Mosques and orchards so that they may one day be our condos, and the world would condemn us for simply having a dream. Why doesn’t anyone use their Emmy speech to talk about my cousin, whose hand still aches from beating a hateful elderly couple who refused to just give up their land. We hurt too! What about our pain?”

The claim has sparked intense reactions from lawmakers in the U.S., with some questioning whether the entire Palestinian population could be considered a human shield—blocking access to the prime real estate. 

“Israel has a right to defend itself against the missed opportunity of luxury high-rise apartment complexes in East Jerusalem,” said House Minority Leader, Hakeem Jeffries. “Denying Israel from seizing all the finest land in Palestine absolutely means it is being held hostage. I fully support Israel securing their most important hostage by whatever means necessary. Of course, the loss of Palestinian lives is tragic, but that is why we must strongly urge Hamas to give Israel its prime real estate so we can finally stop hearing about it.”

Media coverage has also been widespread, though Israeli officials claim it has not gone far enough to depict Palestinian families fairly as “land hoarding terrorists promoting extremist ideology” about the right to exist in their own homes.

“I will not be intimidated from asking the hard hitting questions that deliver a fair and balanced view of these important global issues,” said CNN anchor Bianna Golodryga, regarding recent criticisms of the press. “It’s my duty as a journalist to ensure that the upstanding Israeli settlers and the blood-thirsty, Hamas-supporting Palestinians both get equal, unbiased reporting. That’s why I dig beyond the surface to report the truth, as described to me by Israeli officials—which will have to do since we can’t report from Gaza, of course.”

In response to global skepticism that real estate was being held hostage, the Israeli Prime Minister’s office shared it had a letter from the prime real estate itself claiming it was depressed and didn’t know how much longer it could go on uncolonized; however, the letter reportedly could not be released without endangering the lives of IDF soldiers.

How to Have “The Talk” with Your Son About Him Totally Disrespecting the Micro Machines He Inherited from You

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Parenting is full of tough conversations — the birds and the bees, where do we come from, and the dreaded talk every father must have with his son about how he’s absolutely defiling your impressive Micro Machine collection that you’ve foolishly entrusted him with.

Us dads, we’re car guys. It’s our responsibility to indoctrinate our sons into car culture at an extremely young age to serve as a baseline carapace of masculinity, lest they fall into prolonged episodes of whimsy or soccer. The best way to achieve this has always been through the purchase and distribution of Micro Machines to small boys. But for some inexplicable reason they stopped making them, which means they’re not just toys I kept in a shoebox in my parents basement but literal heirlooms. 

This is why the talk is necessary. People may tell you it’s not that big of a deal – wives, in-laws, therapists. Don’t listen to them. This is between father and son. As such, I’ve found it far more effective to have these talks late at night after your wife has gone to bed, mano a mano. Be sure to wake your son gently. Remember, your aim is not to scare him but to scold him for his carelessness. Plus, you don’t want to run the risk of him screaming and waking up that wife of yours. 

Once the boy is reasonably conscious, you lay into him hard. It’s important for you to do all the talking, so I recommend drafting up a speech and having a few alcoholic beverages beforehand to get the juices flowing. While there may be tears (from both of you!), it’s important to stand firm. Some variance is expected based on the idiocy of the boy, but you might want to try phrases such as, ‘They don’t let kids have these anymore because of unrepentant slobs like you who think it’s perfectly fine to mash them all up in Play-Doh!’ or ‘I don’t even want to know how many of these you’ve ingested, you idiot pig boy!’ (and if he’s on the heftier side, feel free to lift up his pajama shirt at that time.)

Make it your own, have fun with it, but remember speed is essential. Need I remind you about your wife sleeping in the room across the hall? You should be talking fast as fuck like the guy in the Micro Machines commercials. That guy ruled! Maybe if your son had better role models like the Micro Machines guy, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Anyways, once you’ve sufficiently let your son know how much of a disappointment he is, say something about this all being a dream and get the hell out of there. 

Hardee’s Introduces New All-Crouton Salad

Posted on by Steve Packosky

FRANKLIN, Tenn. — American fast food restaurant chain Hardee’s has unveiled a new menu addition known as the All-Crouton Salad, sources report.

“We’re proud to present this fantastic offering to health-conscious consumers,” Hardee’s spokesperson Andrea Skrolnick said. “Our new signature salad comes with a pound of delicious croutons coated in our secret seasoning and deep fried to a golden brown, served with a dressing of choice and a side of our rich and flavorful Double Biscuit ‘n’ Gravy, as well as a 48-ounce soda. We understand that obesity has become a global epidemic, and have taken it upon ourselves to offer our customers an alternative to the more caloric options prevalent at other restaurants. We care about the health and well-being of all Americans, and this new item is a reflection of that. Bon appétit!”

Hardee’s customer Earl Miller couldn’t be more over the moon.

“This is just fantastic!” Miller exclaimed. “Hardee’s is my favorite restaurant, and I’ve been eating there at least four times a week for the past couple decades or so. I’m just now recuperating from a quadruple bypass I had last month, and my doctor said it would be a good idea to incorporate salad and exercise into my daily routine. The exercise part sure-as-shit ain’t happening, but I’ll happily eat some salads if they’re made at Hardee’s. I like to get the Double Bacon Cheeseburger Combo every Wednesday, but I’ll substitute this new salad for it going forward. That should take care of the ol’ ticker.”

Nutritionist Brenda Klahan was not surprised by what she heard.

“Clearly, this abomination has absolutely no nutritional value at all,” Klahan sighed. “However, that’s certainly not going to stop gullible Americans from chowing down on it while thinking they’re acting in their bodies’ best interest. Do you remember when everyone in this doomed country thought Subway was healthy just because some pedophile lost weight by eating small amounts of it? Nowadays, all you have to do is slap the word ‘protein’ on a Lunchable and idiots everywhere will run out and buy it. I’m honestly shocked that it took Hardee’s this long to make a ‘salad’ that’s likely even more caloric than its cheeseburgers in order to garner more sales. Obviously, I think it’s monstrous, but I understand it from a business perspective.”

At press time, Hardee’s also introduced their new All-Mayonnaise dressing to be offered with the salad.

Punk’s Best Anecdote Very Similar to Sober Friend’s Rock Bottom Story

Posted on by Tim Graham

KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local tattooist Eddie Greer’s proud tale of drunken excess bears a close resemblance to his friend’s worst night, according to mutual friends.

“So this one night, I pregamed for a house show with Fireball whiskey. I guess it didn’t sit well with the 40 of Old English, because I ended up spewing cinnamon vomit all over everyone in the pit as well as the band,” said Greer. “After that I recall hitting on some chick upstairs, still covered in puke. The cops wound up raiding the show. The last thing I remember is standing on a cop car hood and pissing all over the windshield while a crowd of punks cheered. When a pig tackled me, I elbowed him in the nuts and managed to escape into the woods. That night was fucking epic.”

Greer’s friend and former drinking buddy Paolo Costa looks back on his own drunken hijinks with regret.

“I went to that show with Eddie,” said the now-sober Costa. “Geez, I must’ve had three or four beers within a couple of hours so I was feeling a bit tipsy myself. I only had a soft boiled egg for dinner and I guess the booze really hit me hard. I remember making an ass of myself by mistaking Mission of Burma with The Mission UK when I was talking to a girl I liked. I think the last straw was that I woke up late for class and wound up only getting a B+ on an exam. That and the terrible headache was the wake-up call I needed to swear off booze forever.”

Addiction counselor Melissa Weingarten of Shady Spruce Rehabilitation says she’s heard all manner of rock bottom stories.

“Part of my job is listening to stories of people at their lowest,” said Weingarten. “Most of the patients here have similar sorts of banal rock bottoms. You know, ‘Boo-hoo, I lost my job’ or ‘Wahh, my wife left me.’ But once in a while, I get to hear something really juicy. I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I get bored hearing the same old woe-is-me stuff, so I’m actually grateful when someone comes in here with a story about shitting their pants at a wedding or stealing a cop car.”

At press time, Greer clarified that the woman he attempted to woo while covered in vomit is now his wife.

We Sat Down to Discuss Strategy with Longtime DNC Strategists Ned Flanders’s Parents

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

As the United States descends further into fascistic chaos, the American people continue to look to their elected leaders to enact policies that will prevent the GOP from running further amok. Critics have denounced the Democratic party for lacking clear strategic goals and acting upon them. To get to the bottom of this, we sat down with longtime DNC strategists and Ned Flanders’s parents, Nedward Sr. and Capri Flanders. 

Thanks for meeting with us today, we’re sure you must be very busy. 

Nedward: Thanks man, we’re sick of talking with a buncha losers straight from Squaresville man!! 

Capri: Yeah, you gotta help us, doc! 

Okay we’re not doctors, not sure where you got that idea — and we’re not really here to offer help — but we would like to know how you would respond to your critics who have noted the Democratic Party has lacked both strategy and action.

Capri: We don’t believe in strategy man, those are like RULES! 

You don’t believe in strategy, but you’re the council in charge of DNC strategy? 

Capri: That’d be like, telling people what to DO man!! And we can’t do that!!

Nedward: Yeah, we gave up telling people what to do when we started living like freaky beatniks, man!!! 

Okay, but, for example, Rep. Chuck Schumer was evidently using the “strategy” of conceding to a bunch of harmful GOP policies in the hopes they would compromise and concede to at least a few Democratic suggestions. They didn’t, and actually enacted more conservative policies. Have you considered telling him that it might actually be helpful to have a definable strategy with actual, specific goals?

Nedward: We couldn’t tell Chuckie what to do, MAN!! That’d be like telling Gene Krupa not to go BOOM BOOM BOOM, BAP BAP BAP BAP, Tsss tssss, boom boom BAP BAP BAP

So not even just, uh, Chuckie, but for example the Democratic party couldn’t even come together in the legislature to decline to “thank” ICE for their “service.”

Nedward: BOOM BOOM BOOM, BAP BAP BAP, TSSS TSSS!!! *both Capri and Nedward descended into nonsensical and possibly musically inaccurate jazz sounds.*

Also, not sure Gene Krupa is the most engaging reference for today but uh, speaking of reaching your base, even before the election the DNC refused to have a trans speaker at their conference in an attempt to appeal to moderates but instead just completely alienated their base and also didn’t end up winning over any moderates. Have you considered having a strategy or clearly stating your ideals at all? 

Capri: You gotta help us doc! We tried nothing and we’re all out of ideals! 

Lousy beatnicks. 

Editor’s note: We would’ve continued this interview but Trump and RFK started running around Congress, punching people in the face and yelling “Whee! I’m Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that Prune Face! Now, I’m Prune Face! Take that Dick Tracy! Now I’m Prune Tracy! Take that Dickf……” and we figured someone should step in and try to do SOMETHING.

Zohran Mamdani Announces Plans for Free Tour Buses for Shitty Dive Bands

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

NEW YORK — New York Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani revealed that plans for his mayoral term will include providing shitty local dive bands with free tour buses, confirmed sources. 

“The first 100 days in office are crucial, and as we work on providing free buses for all of New York, I plan to extend the offer to the worst Bushwick dive bands I can find. It’s important as New Yorkers that we support the arts no matter how out of tune their bass guitar is or how many women they’ve given chlamydia to,” explained Mamdani. “Who knows, they could be the next Geese. Or maybe they’ll ride the tour bus out of the city and will settle far away in upstate New York with unrealized dreams that morph into an obsession with IPAs and television made before their hair began thinning.” 

Local dive band Red Piss Ants was reportedly thrilled with the new legislation. 

“This is so huge for us really. We’ve spent so many years spitting Zyns out on the subway and fighting public intoxication charges, now we can just drunk-ride home from the pub that we play in. If only real venues would book us then this would really be exciting,” marveled frontman Simon Mathis. “We won’t be slaves to the train anymore. Plus, we can finally tour in farther places, ones we’ve never been to before. Like Rutherford, New Jersey.” 

However, Upper West Side band Honks found the new legislation to be a bit stringent. 

“So it turns out in order to qualify for the government tour bus subsidy you have to be artistically underprivileged, so because we have management and play at actual venues we aren’t eligible to receive a free bus,” groveled bassist Jason George. “Why can’t we get support? We’re still nowhere near the top. Whatever happened to supporting the middle class? This is like stimulus checks all over again. I suppose it’s good he’s freezing rents though. At least we have a rent-controlled studio to smash instruments and think about making a record in.”

At press time, Mamdani was found at a rally revealing that his run for mayor was actually just a guerilla marketing front to promote his rap career. 

Ken Burns’ ‘History of Grindcore’ 12 Seconds Long

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ARLINGTON, Va. — PBS surprised viewers that a new documentary from acclaimed documentarian Ken Burns titled “History of Grindcore” clocked in at exactly 12 seconds, producers have confirmed.

“As much as I am in love with the rich tapestry of American history, I thought it might be fun to get out of my comfort zone and cover a subject I knew next to nothing about. My nephew suggested I listen to Napalm Death and it was clear the world needed to learn about the terrifying world of grindcore. And after six months and hundreds of hours of interviews and archival footage, I managed to put together 12 seconds of salvageable material due to our equipment getting damaged in the mosh pits,” said Burns. “I know some viewers will be disappointed about the runtime but much like the music, they’ll get the gist of the entire scene within the first four seconds.”

Grindcore fans were happy to see the genre potentially expand to a wider audience.

“I didn’t think Burns could pull it off because he’s kind of a poser and made two movies about sports but it’s a true love letter to the genre. I’ve said time and time again that more people need to know that Anal Cunt is just as influential as the Beatles and this documentary nailed it, despite it dragging around the middle,” said Trevor Hendrickson. “I think the only improvement I’d have made is if he titled it something cooler like “Foreskins for Dinner” or something. Other than that, I’d recommend it to anyone willing to put in the time to watch it.”

PBS, who funded the documentary, said it was part of a strategy to reach a broader audience.

“Since funding is running dry, we thought it would be prudent to elicit some new viewers by diving into subjects outside of Americana and nature. Even though I’m a bit perturbed Ken blew $200,000 to make a documentary shorter than a pledge drive phone call, it’s a huge hit with punks and people with extremely short attention spans,” said programming director Michael Nesbit. “We’ve already greenlit new projects covering the drink ticket black market in rural Kansas’ punk scene, as well as the world of Autozone metalheads. Somebody has to fill the void left by Vice, it might as well be the people who brought you Antiques Roadshow.”

Burns later revealed he found enough leftover footage for a six second documentary about Bolt Thrower crew necks. 

Brave! This Care Bear Just Added ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’ to His Belly Badge

Posted on by Rachel Hein

In the faraway cloud-based land of “Care-a-Lot,” part of a larger geographic region known as “The Kingdom of Caring”, one Care Bear, Share Bear, has been wrestling with his identity as a fundamentally sharing-and caring-bear who believes love is not a finite resource. He wants to spread his love to every bear in the kingdom. Where does this leave him? Ethical Non-Monogamy. Better known as EMN. It’s time he finally lives his truth as a bear with a burning, carnal desire to share himself.

Share Bear, known for his lavender fur and iconic lollipop belly badge (the unique symbol on each bear’s stomach representing their personality, role, or power), has officially come out as ethically non-monogamous, unveiling a new badge featuring an infinity heart, the official symbol of the ENM community. 

In the rebrand, he has found deeper meaning than ever before. “For too long I was just sharing cookies, toys, and feelings… but I always knew I wanted more,” Share Bear shared. “Now I’m sharing me. And that feels good. So good.” Share Bear also acknowledges the importance of communication and transparency when engaging in extremely intimate and deep emotional and physical connections with multiple bears at the same time who are all fully aware and enthusiastic participants. 

But Share Bear’s transformation sent ripples through Care-a-Lot, and reactions from his ursine counterparts were a mixed bag. 

Friend Bear, donning flowers on his belly, was utterly baffled by Share Bear’s advances, unsure if hugs were still appropriate. Oopsy Bear fell to his knees in despair upon learning Share Bear had twelve other romantic partners and that their nights in the clouds weren’t exclusive. Meanwhile, Grumpy Bear retreated to the shadow of a storm cloud, muttering about traditional love structures and the existential threat posed by radical openness.

Ultimately, the Care Bears’ raison d’être is to spread care and positivity around the world. What we’re seeing now is a modern bear standing in his power, refusing to restrict his endless supply of love to one bear.

He now stands before us, among his fuzzy brethren, all in a line, rubbing their belly badges — their signature move — activating a powerful beam of light, love, and cheer that shoots from their bellies. Then, in a breathtaking moment, Share Bear turns to aim his belly beam at the other bears, sending a powerful surge of warmth and delight, leaving them blissful and euphoric.

Headset Microphone on Drummer Mostly Picks Up Heavy Breathing

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

ATLANTA — The Howling Goons’ plan to let their drummer assume extra vocal duties backfired thanks to his headset microphone amplifying his labored breathing, gum chewing, and throat-clearing alongside his stellar, out-of-this-world harmonies, confirmed sources.

“I’ve never felt more free,” rejoiced Kurt Stagwood while loudly sucking on a Fisherman’s Friend lozenge to ensure he could hit the high notes. “Back in the mic stand days, I’d always wrestle with the damn thing, and it interfered with my drumming in ways that make me so angry just thinking about it. Now that we’re headlining with three-hour sets, it’s one less thing to worry about. When it’s time to belt out the chorus, all I have to do is open my mouth and do my thing. I never want to go back to the old way, because our audience deserves these high-quality performances.”

Howling Goons’ lead vocalist Bryan Stillborn is at his wits’ end after exhausting every possible option in his efforts to mitigate Stagwood’s unintentional extras dominating his in-ear monitors.

“Look, I’m glad Kurt’s backing me up with his amazing singing. Drummers with perfect pitch don’t come around often, and he sings like a fucking angel,” said Stillborn while fiddling with the mixing board, desperately trying to dial out the frequency that picks up post-nasal drip. “But we’re a traveling band, Kurt has all the allergies, and he insists on his mid-set bag of ‘emergency Cheetos,’ the crunchy kind, for that carb boost to keep himself running hot during that mid-set crash. We’re high energy, so when he really gets going on the kit, it sounds like a walrus passing a kidney stone and everybody can hear it.”

ASMR expert Kathy Greenblatt weighs in on how to handle Stagwood’s phlegm gems without upsetting the band’s dynamic. 

“Kurt is a stellar vocalist, and his newfound freedom makes their live show infinitely better,” asserted Greenblatt while rapping her fingernails on a freshly cooked chicken cutlet for her YouTube channel. “And losing the flexibility of the hands-free mic will hurt their performance. What they should do is record the isolated headset tracks off the board and sell them to people who use that stuff to either fall asleep or rub one out. With an entirely new revenue stream, they can hire a proper sound guy to dial out the noise.”

At press time, Stagwood was spotted strapping a portable fan to his neck to keep cool under the stage lights.

Stephen Miller to Receive $1488 Christmas Bonus

Posted on by Reece Napierski

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans for Stephen Miller to receive a Christmas bonus of $1488, confirmed sources.

“They say there’s a nice list and a naughty list and while many of the radical left Democrats are naughty, Stephen has always been the nice to me and that’s what matters. Can you believe that? He’s been a very good boy, and no one knows boys like me,” said the President. “Stephen won’t stop talking about something called a negative canthal tilt and predator eyes, but it’s better than anything JD has ever said to me so we’re gonna give him some money. Earlier this year, we gave Stephen a bonus check of $420 because that’s Hitler’s birthday, and no one talks about Adolph more than that man.” 

Upon hearing of the bonus, Miller demanded that it be directly allocated from the stolen assets of the people who have been deported without due process.

“Trump told me this was a ‘loyalty dividend’ and that I shouldn’t spend it all in one Hobby Lobby,” said Miller while practicing his signature frown in the mirror. “I can’t wait to tell the boys on 4Chan about this. I get all my political strategy ideas from there. Trump is receptive to all of them, even if he doesn’t understand the accompanying memes I send along.”

In related news, White House spokesperson Gunther Porkins announced today that the President was also in talks with Gene Simmons to grant $666 checks to all members of the KISS army.