NYPD Unveils AI Surveillance Program to Help Them Arrest Wrong Guy 70% Faster

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — The New York City Police Department unveiled a new AI surveillance program that promised to help them arrest the wrong guy 70% faster, law enforcement official sources confirmed.

“Crime sure feels like it’s at an all-time high, and that’s why the NYPD is proud to introduce our revolutionary new ‘AI in the Sky’ surveillance program that is guaranteed to get somebody—anybody—behind bars in under 24 hours,” said NYPD Chief Lou Maddrey, visibly struggling to keep Mayor Adams from taking the microphone during his press conference. “With the time that AI will save us on pesky detective work, we’ll be able to allocate twice as many officers to perp walk shackled fare evaders. We’re confident that this incredible technology will be instrumental in justifying why we need our budget to increase to $10 billion next year.”

New York City resident Terrell Jones was reportedly impressed with how quickly he was arrested after the AI tool pinpointed him, despite the fact that he did not actually commit the crime.

“I thought it would be impossible for me to have mugged that lady in Central Park since I was on a flight back to NYC from Toronto when it happened, but with the groundbreaking power of artificial intelligence it turns out I’m actually guilty—is there anything AI can’t do?” said Jones. “I’m on the flight manifest and everything, but if AI said I did it then I guess it must have been me. I hope my lawyer knows some good prompts to ask ChatGPT for a criminal defense strategy!”

Senior AI Engineer Thomas Paulson explained how the “AI in the Sky” program could pinpoint a suspect for any crime in just seconds.

“First, our proprietary algorithm searches the probability matrix and cross-references billions of facial recognition results within the quantum nexus. Then through the magic of AI, our program selects someone at random, and voila! There’s your suspect,” said Paulson, demonstrating the surveillance tool. “With a 100% arrest rate using our program, we can confidently say that AI will be the future of police work. Now we’ve heard some worrywarts describe our use of AI-surveillance to pinpoint suspected criminals with words like ‘unfriendly’ and ‘techno-fascist police state’ so that’s why it comes with a charming avatar of an eagle named Ian wearing a police hat to make your AI-powered arrest feel more fun and personalized.”

At press time, Paulson was arrested after the AI pinpointed him as the culprit for JFK’s assassination, despite not being born until 1985.

5 Household Pets That I’ve Failed To Teach Karate To

Posted on by James Knapp

Karate—the perennial backup sport for kids who weren’t coordinated enough to play soccer. And what is a more direct comparison to an uncoordinated child than the average house pet. Well, I have attempted to teach karate to five of the noblest of man’s varied best friends and, as my father said to me after every little league game, several spelling bees, and one particularly disastrous bring-your-child-to-work day, “it was all an abysmal failure.”

Here are the top 5 pets that despite my very best efforts, are sadly not ninja.

5. Snake
I never had particularly high expectations for the snake, despite it being the inspiration for an entire kung fu movie fighting style and the icon behind Cobra Kai’s philosophy. Kata demo afte kata demo the snake failed to learn anything, save for deception and treachery, which it already had a huge head start on because it’s a snake. Still, its body made a pretty decent karate belt to hold the whole gi together.

4. Parrot
I’d have thought a parrot would be better at learning karate than most birds. I mean, their whole deal is that they’re supposed to copy whatever you tell them, I figured I could apply the same logic to its muscle memory. But all this jerk did was dance around his oversized seed bell while repeating the phrase “Do some goddamn karate already, you smartass bird!” He lacked discipline is what I’m saying.

3. House Cat
I thought this one was basically a layup. The world’s foremost karate masters pride themselves on having cat-like reflexes, so I figured he was born halfway there! Here’s the thing about cats, they have no loyalties. Sure, though their lithe bodies and ability to always claw at the most vulnerable part of your body may lend themselves to karate in theory, without the essential respect for their sensei. Fluffy pissed all over my house, scratched the hell out of my furniture, and worst of all refused to take his shoes off on my matt. He’s a cat, he’s not even supposed to wear shoes at all!

2. Tarantula
A tarantula felt like it should be an obvious choice to learn karate. Like, long limbs mean strong kicks, right? What I failed to take into account is that, despite being larger than most spiders, they are still relatively easy to kill with a shoe. And though karate is usually taught barefoot, at some point this is gonna spill out into the real world and where the hell is it gonna be then? Splattered all over the wall of a PetCo aquarium display? Actually yes, which brings me to my next house pet…

1. Goldfish
Well I’ll say this for Goldy, he tried his little fish heart out. But without hands or feet or a memory that lasts more than eleven seconds his karate move selection was always gonna be very limited. Still, I think he did manage to learn a couple of defensive moves, like hiding behind the 19th-century scuba diver figurine in his tank, before I blasted that tarantula all over the glass and he had a little fish heart attack. Again, apologies to everyone at PetCo for my behavior, and I promise this will all go so much better when I try to teach all those rescue dogs to play poker.

Drummer Wants More Creative Input on Where the Band Stops for Lunch

Posted on by Jeff Bender

LAUREL, Miss. — Drummer Keith Reed for the hard rock group Assistant Coach expressed a desire to contribute creatively to the band’s decisions about where they stop for lunch, sources reported.

“Usually it’s Tongue [McSwayne], our frontman, who decides where we dine,” said Reed, who also drives the van. “But lately, I don’t know. I’ve been on a creative tear about where we could get lunch. Sometimes I wanna just be like, ‘Hey, how do we all feel about Saladworks?’ or, ‘Anyone thinking Whole Foods right now?’ These creative impulses assault me, mostly because I see the restaurants as I drive, and I’m just trying to let them breathe. But when I mention something to Tongue, he just says he’ll consider it and to pull over at the next Arby’s.”

The Assistant Coach lead singer had an eye-roll approach to Reed’s creative outbursts.

“Keith means well,” said McSwayne. “But we’d never be where we are today if we’d listened to his ‘ideas’ every time we stopped for lunch, brunch, or even—let’s face it—an early dinner. His instincts are all wrong. The other day he suggested Jimmy John’s with a stop at Minit Mart for trail mix. I just tell him we’ll have a band meeting about it, but let’s be honest, we’re not gonna meet about it. We all know what happened when Metallica let Lars take them to Another Broken Egg Café. Three months later, out pops ‘St. Anger.’”

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl offered some advice for Reed.

“Speaking as someone who’s been a drummer and a lead, I think it’s really important he tread lightly. Maybe make one small suggestion per week—and I’m talking conservative, like Cracker Barrel. Or maybe let Tongue ask, first, if anyone has ideas,” said the veteran, who’s in his fourth decade of navigating tour dynamics. “Could Keith be the next Phil Collins, calling out exciting and innovative lunch solutions when the frontman craps out? Sure. But he could also sink the band with his ‘creative input.’ As drummers, we need to keep to ourselves and do what they tell us—especially regarding dining options.”

At press time, McSwayne was in an IHOP parking lot auditioning new drummers to see how well they could shut up and drive the van.

Aging Punk Who Once Slept on Floors Now Obsessed With Memory Foam Mattress Reviews

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk scene veteran Chuck Rubenfeld, known for spending the better part of the ’90s passing out on floors across the tri-state area, reportedly become consumed by online memory foam mattress reviews, concerned sources confirmed.

“Look, back in ’96, I slept in a bathtub at a house show in Philly with three other guys after someone put a brick through the van window. But I’ve turned over a new leaf and prefer to watch Purple mattress commercials at 3:00 a.m. the way I used to watch punk documentaries,” said Rubenfeld, wincing from another sciatica flare-up. “But you know what? That cooling gel technology is way more revolutionary than anything Fugazi ever did. And don’t even get me started on reinforced edge support — it’s a game changer for getting in and out of bed with my bad knee.”

Cathy Rubenfeld, the scene veteran’s wife, felt nostalgic for her husband’s early days.

“He used to fuck me on the carpet floor of his apartment after Infest shows, and now I have to compete with Good Housekeeping articles for his attention,” said the wife of 12 years, as she watched her husband scroll through Serta reviews on his phone. “Last week I caught him making a spreadsheet comparing the tensile strength of different memory foam densities. Yesterday he called in sick to work because a Tempur-Pedic rep was doing a livestream about their new pressure-mapping technology. I miss when he was just obsessed with finding rare Gorilla Biscuits pressings on Discogs. At least then he’d leave the house to go to record stores.”

Dr. Elena Rodriguez, a cultural anthropologist specializing in aging subcultural demographics, says Rubenfeld’s case is far from unique.

“It starts innocently — maybe you bring a camping chair to an outdoor show,” explained Rodriguez. “Next thing you know, you’re comparing interest rates on zero-turn lawnmowers while wearing a zip-up hoodie from Costco. The transition from genuine punk to suburban dad who writes three-page reviews about mattress firmness is more common than you’d think. We call it ‘Domesticated Punk Disorder,’ or DPD.”

At press time, Rubenfeld was overheard berating a mattress store employee for suggesting memory foam and latex foam were “basically the same thing,” calling them a “fucking poser who probably sleeps on a futon.”

The Next Wahlburgers? This Unrepentant Racist Manages a Five Guys in East Boston!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Reality TV has to be one of the most prominent vices in society today, and many people tend to be fans even if they don’t want to admit it. Whether it’s Survivor, the Real World, or The Amazing Race, we just can’t seem to get enough of these seemingly unscripted programs. “Wahlburgers” followed the Wahlberg family across ten seasons through the trials and tribulations of operating their eponymous burger restaurant in Boston, and if you were a big fan, have we got news for you! While the show unfortunately aired its final episode in the summer of 2019, we may have just found its successor!

Are you ready for this?

Meet 43-year-old Maxwell Wynne, who manages a Five Guys in the Eagle Hill neighborhood of East Boston. Much like the namesake of Wahlburgers, Wynne happens to be a completely unrepentant racist! Looks like A&E is going to have another gem on its hands once this guy is discovered!
Move over, Mark Wahlberg!

That’s right! 24 years ago, Wynne was perusing Carson Beach with his miscreant friends when they cruelly and needlessly assaulted several underserved schoolchildren who just happened to be playing volleyball nearby. Wynne was charged with and pled guilty to two counts of assault and battery and was sentenced to eight months in jail, but only served 45 days due to the racial and ethnic disparities in our country’s criminal justice system. Sounds pretty similar to a certain rapper turned actor turned reality television star, now, doesn’t it?

The similarities don’t end there. In 2018, Wynne feebly and unsuccessfully petitioned the State of Massachusetts for a pardon to his conviction, much like Wahlberg did in 2014. To this day, Wynne keeps the similarities going by also being suspiciously tight-lipped and evasive when his horrifying and despicable past is brought up, and it may be too good to be true, but there are also rumors that Wynne has been overheard by his employees making shocking and laughable remarks about his assumed ability to stop the September 11th attacks from occurring!

Whoa! We’ve surely got a star in the making!

While Wahlberg’s completely unwarranted and undeserved stardom has yet to rub off on Maxwell Wynne, we’re thinking it’s only a matter of time before he’s discovered. While it may or may not happen, one thing’s for certain: we’ll be tuning in if his incredibly dull and monotonous daily life is portrayed on a derivative and uninspired reality show like Wahlburgers. Fingers crossed!

Lifelong Fan of Black Metal Still Unsure if Liking Dimmu Borgir Is Acceptable

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong fan of black metal Karl Donner was reportedly unsure if his fandom of Norwegian stalwarts Dimmu Borgir was acceptable among his peers, sources confirmed.

“Yeah man, I’ve been a fan of black metal for as long as I can remember,” Donner mentioned. “It started when I heard Mayhem’s ‘Deathcrush’ EP when I was in middle school, and from there I got really into old Emperor, Darkthrone, and Immortal, and now I’m really into newer bands like Whoredom Rife and Murg. I’m not sure about Dimmu Borgir, though. I enjoy a lot of their music, but can I be an outspoken fan of them? I never got a clear answer to that question. I’ve heard some fans of black metal say that they suck, but a lot of other fans say they’re pretty good. I don’t think there’s ever really been a consensus in the community on how we should feel about them.”

Donner’s friend and fellow fan of black metal Kirk Arlin expressed a more confident view on the band.

“Dimmu Borgir are a bunch of posers,” Arlin said emphatically. “They’re Ozzfest-playing sellouts with over-produced symphonic attempts at black metal. All of their albums are dogshit. Well, maybe not all of them. ‘For All Tid’ and ‘Stormblast’ are pretty good. And I actually really like ‘Enthrone Darkness Triumphant.’ Some of their newer stuff is pretty good, too. I remember enjoying ‘Abrahadabra’ when it came out. I saw them live when I went to Wacken about a decade ago, and they put on a decent show. They definitely still suck, though. Like, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a Dimmu Borgir shirt.”

The band’s frontman Stian Tomt “Shagrath” Thoresen weighed in on the lack of common ground fans are able to find regarding his band.

“Honestly, I stopped worrying about that decades ago,” Thoreson noted. “I love black metal and have made a career out of it, but there really is no group of people more insufferable than fans of it. The second we became the slightest bit commercially successful and recorded our music with equipment better than a Sony Walkman from 1991, fans have been calling us sellouts and posers. At least we’re not a prog-rock band, though. Those fans are even worse.”

At press time, Donner was seen debating whether to take down his early Cradle of Filth albums before having his friends over.

Henry Kissinger Masterminds First Regime Change in Hell

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

HELL — The underworld is in chaos after a coup d’état orchestrated by the late American diplomat Henry Kissinger sent Satan into hiding and installed Walt Disney as the new Prince of Darkness, sources confirm.

“I don’t see why we need to stand by and watch such a vital piece of the afterlife continue down the same path. Who runs the underworld is too important to be left to God to decide,” said Kissinger in between pointing and laughing at images of dead children meant to drive him insane. “The coming eternity will bring much-needed stability and opportunities for prosperity. Construction is already underway on additional circles of hell to accommodate the forecasted increase in anguish and suffering. Following a brief bidding process, I’m hoping to have Lockheed-Martin as our security contractor.”

A spokesdemon for the rebel forces insisted that the fight would continue for as long as necessary.

“This isn’t over. The forces of evil are with us and we will be relentless and unmerciful until we are restored to our unrighteous position at the top,” the source, who preferred to remain anonymous, growled. “This Kissinger is more cruel and ambitious than we could have ever imagined. Unfortunately, when someone has no soul they cannot actually be tortured. We tried everything in our arsenal and if anything it just made him more evil. This will truly be the fight that determines the most evil ruler of Hell in our eternal lifetime.”

The regime change has shaken the theological podcasting world, with many top commentators agreeing that although yes, this is disruptive, it also marks an “opportunity.”

“If Satan’s regime couldn’t withstand those kinds of internal pressures then maybe it wasn’t as solid as we thought anyway. The guy had a good run, a legendary run, but time is undefeated and it turns out Kissinger is more evil than anyone realized,” Joe Rogan said in his most recent episode talking with Hell’s demon leader Marchosias. “Like, sure, I’m not rooting for the coup, but, you know, sometimes you gotta shake things up. Kissinger is just pulling from the same playbook he used in Chile in 1973, Satan should have read a history book. And if i’m being totally honest, America could take a cue from this. Plus you’ve got to admit it’s pretty fucking badass. ”

At press time, Kissinger was seen putting on a long overcoat and commenting about how Hell is a bit colder than he expected.

Photo by Kasa Fue.

We Look Back on Ween’s “Chocolate and Cheese” Because They Banned Pornhub in Our State

Posted on by Drew Drevyanko

In 1994, two charming idiots from New Hope, Pennsylvania, Aaron Freeman and Mickey Melchiondo (a.k.a. Gene and Dean Ween), gave us one of the most defining alt-rock albums of our generation, Chocolate and Cheese. Abandoning their signature lo-fi aesthetic for a professional studio, Ween proved they were ready to take their absurdist pop genius to the big leagues, creating a masterpiece that includes 60s psych-pop melodies, 70s funk rhythms, and an album cover that I am once again masturbating to.

Republican lawmakers can take away my God-given right to Pornhub, but they can’t take away my rights to pleasure myself while my wife and kids are at the grocery store. Speaking of, the first track “Take Me Away,” is a sweaty, Vegas-inspired jam that highlights Freeman’s impressive vocal range and showman skills, while Melchiondo’s fuzzed-out solo perfectly rounds out this opening ripper. You know what else is perfectly round? That set of boobs on the cover.

My lord, that underboob! It’s somehow even better than seeing regular, naked boobs. It leaves so much more to the imagination, like that time in college when Kimmy DeLuca almost had a nip slip at a car wash fundraiser for the field hockey team.

“Freedom of 76”, one of the most powerful tracks on the album, is a soulful nod to the city of Philadelphia. The jazz minor 7 chords by Dean, and the stirring falsetto vocals by Gene combine to create the quintessential soundtrack to rubbing one out to the sexiest headless woman I’ve ever seen.

With one hand on my penis, and the other on the Boognish, I’ve gotta say, I’ve never been this turned on by a belt before. I’ve experimented with belts in the past, but never thought of simply putting it around the waist.

In the Beatles meets Elliot Smith flavored “Baby Bitch,” Gener softly serenades us with the painful and vulgar, “Fuck you, you stinkin’ ass ho” which happens to be the opening line to the voicemails I’m leaving my state representatives until they bring Pornhub back.

Chocolate and Cheese cemented Ween as cult heroes and helped define their beautiful, fucked up universe for all of us to live in. With songs like “Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down)”, “Buenos Tardes Amigos,” and “The HIV Song,” it’s probably the only album that can give you an aneurysm and an orgasm at the same time. For any fan of good music and even better tits, it’s an important album to have in the collection…until you can find a VPN to connect you back to Pornhub.

Merch Guy Rehearsing Not Making Eye Contact in Venue Bathroom Mirror

Posted on by Evan Vest

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Merch guy Darren Byrum for touring band Hung Jury was found rehearsing his lack of eye contact in the bathroom of The Catalyst, confirmed sources who skipped washing their hands to avoid disturbing him.

“As a merchandise coordinator, there’s a real fine art when it comes to being unaffected by your customers,” said Byrum. “The busiest time of any night is after the band’s set. The music sells the merch, and it’s extremely important to not let these alt-kids walk all over you with their simple questions and requests for a bundle deal. Showing these kids your eyes is akin to a dog showing its belly. That’s why I need to practice looking at anything except for my own eyeballs in the mirror. I do this for about two to three hours before showtime to really get myself in the right frame of mind.”

The band’s lead singer Terry Priors explained how this lack of customer service helped Byrum secure the job.

“Oh man, Darren didn’t even look at me the first several times we met,” Priors said while rolling a spliff with dirty hands. “I was impressed with the lack of enthusiasm for almost everything, so I sent him a text asking if he would like to jump on the road with us for the next tour. After three days he finally replied by sending back a message that just said, ‘k.’ I knew right then we had the right guy for the job. I don’t even know what his last name is and that’s how it should be. You should never get too close with your merch guy.”

Hung Jury fan Mike Stills recounted his experience in finding Byrum in the restroom.

“The first thing I found jarring was walking into the restroom to find somebody standing by the sink,” said Stills. “I quickly realized it was the merch guy rehearsing in the mirror. He was scrolling on his phone and any time he would glance up at his reflection he would verbally admonish himself. I also heard him repeatedly saying the mantra ‘Sorry, we’re out of mediums’ over and over.”

At press time, Byrum’s run as merch guy came to an end that night, as the band agreed to let him go after word spread that he laughed at a customer’s joke.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Aren’t Nearly As Chaotic As The State of World Right Now

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

New music might not save the world or even help to change the minds of the roughly 40% of Americans who still don’t believe climate change poses a threat to modern society. Alas, despite its limitations, new music continues to be made. Why not take a break from the horrors and escape into your headphones for a few seconds before you start compulsively scrolling through all the horrors again? Here are six new songs to help you forget before violently remembering again.

L.S. Dunes ‘Violet’

L.S. Dunes are releasing their long-awaited second album at the end of the month. After a slew of excellent singles, they’ve released the epic title track ‘Violet.’ Anthony Green’s vocals soar over a wash of Frank Iero-led guitar fuckery, resulting in a three-minute ride straight into the early aughts and back out through the future of the genre. You can tell this is an honest approximation of the song by how verbose and seriously it is written.

PUP ‘Paranoid’

Your roommate has recently been moshing throughout the apartment to the point that you’re worried about the security deposit. You’ll have to forgive them because PUP released their new single, ‘Paranoid,’ after a two year silence. 730 days is a long time to wait for something this heavy, and all that pent-up energy has built up like a powder keg. They’ll eventually get it out of their system, but you might consider taking them out for a long jog to speed up the process.

Great Grandpa ‘Junior’

It’s been over half a decade since beloved indie-rock outfit Great Grandpa released their widely revered album ‘Four of Arrows.’ Despite being set to explode, many feared the group had disbanded. That is until they released two incredible singles toward the end of last year. Now they have formally announced a new record, aptly titled ‘Patience, Moonbeam.’ Their latest single ‘Junior’ is infinitely more exciting than the reunion album your band has been talking about making for like, six years.

Bob Mould ‘Here We Go Crazy’

If anyone deserves to retire, it’s hardcore progenitor Bob Mould. Yet, miraculously, he is still fucking out here continuing to push the boundaries of a genre he more or less catapulted into the zeitgeist. ‘Here We Go Crazy’ is the title track of his freshly announced 15th solo album. It’s also his first new music in almost five years. The track finds him sounding fresh, layered, and intense as ever, and you’d have an easy time mistaking for some forgotten early gem from the artist.

Runnner ‘Coinstar’

After briefly detouring into heady ambient territory last year, Runnner – the largely DIY project of Noah Weinman – has tread back to familiar territory. While ‘Coinstar’ certainly borrows from the larger soundscapes Weinman previously explored, the track is largely a return to form. Wistful lyrics wash in and out massive steel guitar. Overall, the entire song proves the old adage: it is never too early or too late to quit making ambient music and go back to stuff people will willingly listen to.

Lambrini Girls ‘Cuntology 101’

Since their debut EP in 2022, UK punk duo Lambrini Girls have been turning heads with their frenetic and urgent politically charged style. Their debut album ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ finds them poised to become one of the brightest and most powerful acts of the genre. Whereas the majority of the album delivers the breakneck punk the duo is known for, closer, ‘Cuntology 101,’ brings their myriad influences together in a disco-goes-to-hell style banger that will make you want to kick a hole through the floor.

Still looking to soundtrack your front row seat to the world’s demise? Check out our playlist. We’ll update it every week – or bi-weekly if we get too lazy – until it becomes so sprawling and disorienting it develops self-awareness and updates itself. Click here to listen and never run out of new music again.