“Makin’ Copiiieees” And 15 Other Classic SNL Skits You Can Quote With Your Dad Instead of Having a Real Conversation

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Well, it’s summertime again and that means it’s time for sun and fun and reminiscing about actually having the summer off where every day doesn’t feel like a dreary Groundhog Day-like trudge to the grave. It is also the time of year to head out to your parent’s house for the weekend and avoid the pitfalls of dysfunction while trying to not lose your grip on sanity.

One of those pitfalls (and a major one) is spending time with your dad and carrying on a conversation instead of just sitting in uncomfortable silence. After talking about the weather, and his long list of health ailments what else is there to talk about? Politics? That’s a non-starter right there. Sports? You can only nod along for so long before asking what sport it is that he’s even talking about. Las Vegas Raiders? That’s a real team?

One thing you can always count on for a last-ditch effort to have a conversation with your dad is quoting one of his favorite SNL skits. Sure, he has complained about every host, musical guest, and skit in the last 25 years but he still watches religiously and knows all the classic lines by heart. Here are the top skits to quote with your dad instead of having a real conversation with him.

15. The Californians

Once you get to your parents’ house and your dad asks “How was the drive?” Put on a ridiculous California accent and say “Aww not bad, I just headed down the 405, then hooked a right at the Baja Fresh near Mulholland to Tarzana.” Then later when your brother arrives you can throw out a “EWWWWHATTARRREEYOOOOUDOOINGEEERRE?” He won’t know what you’re talking about but you and your dad will have a laugh at his expense. And isn’t that what getting together with the family is really all about?

14. Cheeburger Cheeburger

When your dad is frying up something on the ol’ propane grill and you’re both standing there in silence watching your cancerous slab of tortured flesh being prepared, throw out a “Cheeburger cheeburger.” He’ll be sure to reply with “No Coke, Pepsi.” Sure, it’s a little dated and feels vaguely racist but you could keep this up all afternoon.

13. George Bush Sr.

Politics are going to come up, it’s just unavoidable. In all likelihood, there will be a TV in the background blasting totally reasonable and nuanced takes from a sentient cologne bottle on Fox News all day long. You’ve tried your best to not engage with any of the talking points your dad has parroted so far but at some point, you need to respond. Just throw out a “Not gonna do it… Wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.” Right-leaning people like your dad are ok making fun of George Bush Sr. because compared to the ghouls in office now he’s basically Noam fucking Chomsky.
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12. Celebrity Jeopardy

You may be able to convince your dad to turn the channel from Fox News to something else but apparently, the only other thing his TV gets is non-stop episodes of Jeopardy. Luckily this is your chance to break out your subpar Sean Connery impression. (Oh God, remember cable? Why are there so many commercials? This is still a service people pay for? Why is the TV so loud? What the fuck is happening?)

11. Matt Foley

Probably one of your dad’s favorite SNL sketches. He especially loves the part where Chris Farley makes fun of David Spade for saying he wants to be a writer and that he uses his writing paper for “rolling doobies.” Of course, “living in a van down by the river” is now actually a thing most people your age want to do in their #vanlife $250K Sprinter Vans but don’t ruin it for him by mentioning that.

10. Mr. Bill

If your sister is there with one of her little demon spawns take one of their toys and make it fall off a chair or have its head get stuck in a door jam then do the “Ooooh nooo, Mr. Billll” thing. Apparently this was the height of comedy in the ‘70s. Your dad will think it’s hilarious and so will your brat nephew. The person who won’t find it funny is your sister and she’ll uninvite you to little Jaxon’s birthday party. Win/win!

9. Church Lady

You’re sitting around the dining room table and your mom is going on and on about how your cousin Jessica who is in college just got pregnant and may want to get an abortion. Break the tension in the room by turning to your dad and saying “Well, isn’t that speciaalllll” while making that face that Dana Carvey would do. It may distract him long enough to not start talking about the Liberal agenda.

8. More Cowbell

There will come a point in the day right around the time your dad has had his fourth Miller High Life that he’s going to put on some tunes. Since he’s feeling good it’s probably going to be something like Joe Walsh or Thin Lizzy. You know, something he can air guitar to while biting his bottom lip. Try saying “This song is good, but it could use a little more cowbell.” He won’t hear you though because he is having a moment really jamming out to the guitar solo in “The Boys Are Back in Town.” It’s ok, you tried.

7. Two Wild and Crazy Guys

Your dad will want to show you some project he’s been working on like a new downspout for the gutter or that old car in the garage that will never actually get fixed. As he is explaining to you what a carburetor is or whatever your mom may ask if the two of you would like another beer. A great response is “Why not? After all, we are…” (and here your dad will join in) “TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!” We don’t get it either but we think it’s basically like Borat for boomers.

6. Buckwheat

On second thought, no. Don’t even attempt this one. Of course your dad wouldn’t be offended but there’s a good chance your brother will film you doing it and will share it with everyone you know and then BLAMMO! CANCELED!

5. Choppin’ Broccoli

Your mom will probably start making dinner around 3:30 in the afternoon and your dad sure isn’t going to help. You should probably help her out despite ostensibly being a fully grown adult all your meals entail pouring hot water into a cup with noodles. As your dad breezes by to ask what you’re doing in the kitchen you can sing “Choppin’ broccoli… choppuh bruhculehhh..” Just be careful and make sure you don’t get into it too much because you have no business using sharp cutlery.

4. Debbie Downer

Your sister might go on a real rant about how your dad shouldn’t be drinking so much in the middle of the afternoon, or shouldn’t be eating so much red meat, and that he definitely shouldn’t be leaf-blowing the roof right now. Turn to your dad and just go “Womp womp!” and make that Debbie Downer face. He would laugh if he could hear you over the sound of that 18V cordless Ryobi he’s cleaning the gutters out with at the moment.

3. Coneheads

Honestly, this one is a gamble since even your dad might not think these skits were funny. It’s surprising anyone thought this was ever funny especially that movie they did in the ‘90s – Yeesh. In any case, your dad will probably have some orange traffic cones lying around that he uses to keep people from parking in front of the house. Put one on your head and say “I am Beldar, we come from France.” If you get no response it means it’s time to go home.

2. Wayne’s World

“Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!” is just a great thing to throw out there at any point there is a lull in the conversation (and there’s going to be a lot). Then when your mom asks if you want to see pictures of your cousin’s toddler you can say “Shaaw right, I’d love to look at those… NOT!”

1. Dick in a Box

By this point you are probably pretty close to being fully wasted and have run out of any other SNL references you can think of. Just start singing “Dick in a Box” and see what happens. Worst case scenario you’re asked to leave. Best case scenario you are still asked to leave. And honestly, all of this will be forgotten anyway by the time your dad sits down to watch Hannity.

Boomer at Restaurant Can’t Wait to Tell Server How Much He “Hated” His Dinner

Posted on by John Adkins

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local 68-year-old Glen Darrington reportedly couldn’t wait to tell his server how much he “hated” his dinner while dining at the Cracker Barrel early last night, confirmed sources.

“Oh boy! When the server clears my plate, I’m gonna tell ‘em that I absolutely despise my meal. But guess what? I actually loved it,” said Darrington before asking a server if his dinner was free since he didn’t see a price on the menu. “See? Look at my clean plate! I ate the whole damn thing! Get it? That’s top tier, Jay Leno-level comedy. I really think I should pursue a career in stand up. I mean, how hard could it be? I’ve been making people in the hospitality industry almost laugh for 30 years and if that doesn’t make me a comedian, I don’t know what does.”

Darrington’s wife simply had enough of her husband’s self-proclaimed “comedic genius.”

“Do you know what he does? He practices his restaurant material in the car on the way to the establishment. He tries different phrasings, different voices, different deliveries—it’s unbearable,” said Dana Darrington. “He regularly uses the phrase, ‘I don’t need sugar for my coffee. I’m sweet enough.’ And he still opens the bill while saying, ‘What’s the damage?’ and then saying something like ‘Woo boy, do you want my arm or my leg as a payment?’ I usually just try to guzzle a couple of bottles of chardonnay so I can black out before the end of the meal. My therapist OK’d it, I think.”

Cracker Barrel server Anna Granger is reportedly quite experienced in the “hated my meal” joke arena.

“Ya know how they say that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings? Every time I hear this joke, a little part of me dies inside. Actually, A big part of me dies. Yeah, I’d say I’m dead inside,” said Granger halfway through her 12-hour shift. “But hey, I’m a pro. And the pros know that the only way to get a good tip is to pretend to laugh your ass off. So yeah. I go full Jimmy Fallon on dudes like this. Boomers just eat up jokes that everyone has heard a million times before. It’s almost like they have no clue how jokes work.”

At press time, Darrington decided to leave zero tip on his tab despite it being “one of the best meals of his life.”

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Desperately Trying To Keep Conversation Surface Level With Our Dad

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Father’s Day is here again, which means you’ve likely had to endure classic rock for all the parts of the day you weren’t teaching the old man how to use his Bluetooth speaker for the thousandth time. There’s nothing wrong with classic rock, per say, but at one point you heard ‘Knights In White Satin’ five times in a row because your dad didn’t realize he had pressed the ‘repeat’ button on the track. Moral of the story is, you need new music fast and we’re here to give it to you. Read on to learn what our staff has been listening to this week, and click here to listen as you chain smoke behind your mom’s garden shed.

The Black Dahlia Murder “Aftermath”

Two years after the tragic passing of their legendary frontman Trevor Strnad, The Black Dahlia Murder are pressing onward with cofounder Brian Eschbach on lead vocals. While the decision to carry on was one of love and healing, that doesn’t mean the band has stopped writing their standard deranged material. Their latest single, ‘Aftermath,’ details a post-apocalyptic world in which the living have resorted to cannibalism. Though fictional, it still feels a bit topical.

IDLES “Mood Swings (Little Simz cover)”

Little Simz might be one of the most criminally underrated acts in hip-hop at the moment, so it’s a great thing to see someone other than our nerdiest staff member recognizing that fact. IDLES recently added a touch of their signature style to her excellence with a cover of ‘Mood Swings.’ It’s worth the listen even if it’s just to hear frontman Joe Talbot’s inexplicable rendition of Peaches ‘Fuck The Pain Away’ multiple times throughout the arrangement. It’s two covers for the price of none.

High Vis “Mob DLA”

You might not be aware of this, but there are several UK post-punk bands that aren’t IDLES. Shocking, innit? Some of them are pretty great, even! High Vis is one of them, and they’ve just dropped a new single. Like all good post-punk songs, ‘Mob DLA’ blends a bevy of conflicting genres with a lyrical dash of economic and existential dread. Just try to remember that your cockney accent needs some work before attempting to sing along.

Hinds “En Forma”

Indie rockers Hinds are set to release their new album ‘Viva Hinds’ later this year. It’s their first full-length album since the departure of their longtime bassist and drummer a few years back, and it doesn’t seem the duo is lacking any of their characteristic punch despite that fact. Their latest single ‘En Forma’ is a frenzied indie-pop earworm, complete with shout along hooks and jangly as fuck guitars. Despite being based and founded in Madrid, it’s also their first ever track sung entirely in Spanish. We figured we’d give you a heads-up since we know you flunked that class in high school.

Doubt “The Hard Way”

There are few things certain in life: death, taxes, and the fact that Baltimore’s hardcore scene will likely survive the impending nuclear apocalypse. The latter is extremely evident when listening to newcomers Doubt, who have just released an absolute ripper with ‘The Hard Way.’ With a ninety-second runtime and a tempo change that will make you feel like you could fistfight a shark, you have literally no excuse to get this one on your ‘break shit’ playlist immediately.

Molchat Doma “Son”

The eerie new single, ‘Son,’ from the even eerier dark wave trio ‘Molchat Doma’ dropped this week, along with the announcement of the band’s forthcoming record ‘Belaya Polosa.’ If you have six minutes to spare and are tired of listening to your 80’s industrial playlist but still want the same vibes, this one’s for you. The track is a heady rumination on never being able to return to your past self. It’s a good reminder considering you’ve only recently stopped texting your ex.

Psst. Looking for more? Of course you are. These are desperate times. That’s why we’ve hand crafted a playlist for you. It doesn’t just have these songs on it, either. It has every song we’ve ever written about this year, and will continue to grow until it becomes so long and disorienting that it develops sentience and tells you to get a job. You can click here to check it out unless you’re a coward who hates great music.

Amazing! This Man Plays Acoustic Guitar for His Newborn Every Night Because The Baby’s too Young to Say No

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Is there anything more beautiful than a father’s love expressed through music? If there is, we don’t want to know about it. Meet Jay Graham, a father who serenades his newborn child with a different song on his acoustic guitar every night. And the best part? The baby still hasn’t learned to talk so she can’t do anything to stop it.

“When my wife told me she was pregnant, I immediately went to Ebay and purchased the most expensive acoustic guitar I could find and started teaching myself how to play. It was just really important I do this for my daughter. Sure, it was a lot of hard work these past 9 months, but my wife didn’t mind painting the nursery and putting together the crib while I perfected ‘Everlong,’” said father-of-the-year candidate. “And now that the baby is here, it’s so great I get to share my gift with her. And she doesn’t seem to mind crying it out on the floor while I try to get the tuning right for ‘Pink Moon’ either.”

Now you might be saying to yourself “where is the mother in this scenario, why wouldn’t she step in to stop this awful behavior?” The fact of the matter is, she’s doing her best to juggle everything in the household.

“Yeah, he’s a selfish dipshit. But I still don’t have the heart to tell him that the baby isn’t smiling because he nailed ‘Hotel California’ but because she just loaded up her Pampers with some brown mustard newborn poop,” explained the new mother. “Jay keeps insisting that someday the baby will really appreciate all this time he spends locked in the basement watching YouTube tutorials and perusing guitar tabs. But this is of course assuming that our marriage even survives and I let him see the kid in the future.”

Child care expert Dr. Edmundo Sosa pointed out the danger of acoustic guitar for young children.

While it is true that many studies have shown exposing your children to music has tremendous positive effects on their development, other studies have demonstrated a correlation between the negative effects of music exposure and a parent’s rudimentary acoustic guitar skills,” said Dr. Sosa. “I personally have worked with several children who took up vaping and growing wispy, creeper mustaches following years of exposure to butchered versions of the ‘Fade to Black’ intro.”

While reporting on this story we decided to call Child Protective Services on Mr. Graham after we determined that forcing a child to listen to “Santeria” by Sublime equates to child abuse.

Absent Father Who Just Buys His Kids’ Love and Affection Is Honestly Fucking Crushing It

Posted on by Mike Maher

SCARSDALE, N.Y. — Local estranged dad Scott Barry is reportedly still winning as a father by simply buying his children “whatever the fuck they want” despite missing every single important moment in their lives, sources close to the rich prick confirmed.

“Technically, I’m a terrible parent. But you can’t argue with the results,” Barry said by phone from an unlisted number. “Thanks to me, my kids – who I’ve never met – wear the freshest Jordans, only play the newest gaming systems, and have foie gras in their fucking Lunchables. They don’t want to go fishing; they want Taylor Swift tickets and selfies from the Dolomites. Look, I love my kids – whatever their names are – the same way my dad loved me: with a credit card from as far away as possible. The amount of shares my gifts get on their socials proves I’m killing it. Millions of paid followers can’t be wrong.”

Son Jackson Barry acknowledges his father’s shortcomings but claims his flaws are actually strengths.

“My dad is human garbage, but we have a beautiful relationship,” said the 11-year-old, while bullying someone on Twitch. “We’ve never even spoken yet he knows exactly what kind of trendy expensive shit to buy me. Sure, sometimes I wish me and the old man could toss the pigskin around in the backyard. But hiring Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes to play catch with me instead has been way better. I’m already being scouted by D-1 schools and I’m only in middle school. I love you dad, you piece of fucking shit!”

Despite irreparable emotional damage, child psychologist Pegg Champagne still insists on seeing the Barry kids multiple times a week.

“Are these kids mentally fucked? 100%,” Champagne said. “Even money can’t fix these daddy issues. But I gotta give credit where it’s due. Scumbag or not, pops has prepared his kids for the real world better than most parents, exposing them early to a long life of privilege that only gets better when you’re white, wealthy, and entitled like themselves. These brats don’t only have a membership to the club, they own it. Which is exactly why I keep seeing them. They’re one of my few clients who actually pay. I just bought a brand new Mitsubishi Mirage. Red.”

At press time, it was discovered that Barry had purchased everything for his kids with credit cards taken out in their names, unbeknownst to them.

Ten Underrated Sire Records Albums You Need To Revisit Before Wildfire Season Hits and Consumes Us All

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Ramones. That’s the tweet. Sire Records formed almost sixty, yes, SIXTY years ago and is still active! Wow, what a difference! Anyway, we attempt to list the ten most underrated Sire Records albums in alphabetical order for your verbal and strangely unique pleasure. No bands are included that are, as they say in WWE, “over,” but you miscreants and general practitioners may deem some “overrated”; that is your prerogative. If you’re reading this out loud, you’re strange but you likely know of Sire’s “punk rock cred,” despite and in spite of the fact that they were acquired by a major label that rhymes with “Forner.” Dead boys talk about heads, so don’t echo the singular bunnyman, and not “men,” no no no. Basically, the kids are united AND divided, and should all kiss roses in Batman movies with Sunny Day Real Estate.

Armor For Sleep “Smile For Them” (2007)

Even though this is the band’s worst album, it is still better than your middle school band’s EP that caused literally no one to smile for them. The band’s lone major label effort may have been divisive with their fan base, but as the kids say, there are lots of bops on it, including the stadium soundtrack banger known as “End of the World”. Apparently this album took a lot of trials, errors, more trials, and tribulations to create, but machines are meant to be broken… and easily fixed by Armor For Sleep. The guitars that sound like spaceships epically open the album with its next best song, the almost title track, “Smile for the Camera”; Rick Moranis should and would be proud.

Belly “Star” (1993)

Rhode Island rarely gets repped publicly but the state does produce very fine bands, one of them being Belly. What do you get when you add one breeder to the hysteria laden main character in Charlton Heston’s epic non-sarcastically awesome “The Ten Commandments”? Well, you can acquire a nice helping of Tanya Donelly, a colorful letter “L” and numbered “7” Greenwood, a soon to be exiting Abong, and a few freaking Gormans high and low. Lavender purple syrup is sweet AF, but low red moons are savory for the kids… Belly even shows a white belly untogether here! Whatever folks, just stay in that sad dress.

Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows “D.R.U.G.S.” (2011)

We are not going to go into the lore as to why many believe this record came and went quickly, but it’s impossible to deny that this full-length studio album is an almost perfect mall screamo LP, and we aren’t taking any more questions on the matter. Mr. Owel, Craig Owens, may be back in Chiodos now, but this project came in the wake of his firing, and while he sure showed ‘em that he could exist sans the other 175 members of Chiodos, sadly there wasn’t any staying power with the illicit substances rock and roll/Warped Tour supergroup which then included members of Matchbook Romance, Underminded, From First To Last, and Story of the Year. Thankfully drugs are back, and thankfully they’re bad for you.

Eisley “The Valley” (2011)

Scene-adjacent band Eisley rival some of the best in the biz with their exceptional harmonies and melodic sensibilities, but for one reason or more, the band and this album (“The Valley”) in particular didn’t break through the mainstream; sad. We wish that better love and general kind behavior was spread globally via Eisley’s tunes, but we know that Haley Joel Osment digs the band, so we guess that that is enough. By the way, that is not a joke despite being on brand. So take back Sunday, say anything that your heart desires, and your new found glory will send an ambulance to one in need. Also, despite what you may think, Eisley is NOT a Christian band but they ARE both Christian and “Star Wars” aficionados, which makes a lot of sense as Jesus and a storm trooper have a lot in common besides the obvious; duh, dorks.

Foxy Shazam “Self-Titled” (2010)

The frenetic and fun warriors known as Foxy Shazam combined Queen and The Venetia Fair in an extremely glorious way, and created one of the better self-titled albums of all time. Opening with a dog barking and a few vibrant spoken words is quite “the” move, but Foxy Shazam likes to make you move it move it, they like to move it move it. Producer John Feldmann is known more for bands like The Used, 5 Seconds of Summer, Goldfinger, and Tevye’s solo EP post-“Fiddler on the Roof” than FS and we’re here to change that stat! Plus, the fact that “Unstoppable” isn’t played during the NBA Finals is a travesty and so our evil thoughts blame the suits! FYI: The album’s sequel “The Church Of Rock And Roll” owns too, but it wasn’t a Sire Records LP.

Harvey Danger “King James Version” (2000)

Most people who are neither sick nor well know Harvey Danger’s megahit “Flagpole Sitta,” but it’s rare to read a publication as prestigious as ours namecheck the band’s biblical LP “King James Version.” If you like your ‘90s alt rock with a nugget of New York Dolls swagger, this LP is for you, and if you don’t, what the hell are you doing here and where have all the merrymakers gone? Seattle should eternally be proud of the danger for their authenticity, loyalty buildings, underground musings of missing the point completely and 1997’s Carlotta Valdez. Most slept on this release, and that’s silly like a silly Sally as it wakes us up every Thursday morning to notify our household that street sweeping is occurring at 8 a.m. till 10 a.m.; don’t get a ticket, fools, and move that ish. It’s just the same as being in love.

Hot Hot Heat “Elevator” (2005)

No jokes – fact: The tune “Bandages” may have introduced you, me, and everyone we know to Victoria, British Columbia, Canada’s Hot Hot Heat, but “Elevator,” HHH’s major label debut and first of two LPs for Sire Records, is just so much better as a whole, and even people in the middle of nowhere wholeheartedly agree unless they don’t. Hot Hot Heat formed in 1999 and over the course of the next seventeen years released five consistently awesome full-lengths but none as solid as “Elevator”; Steven Tyler would be proud even without the love and the hairspray. You are my only girl but you’re not my only is a thing of the past and “Elevator” is as well, but it’s also for the children and the future.

Less Than Jake “In With The Out Crowd”

There was a time during the aughts when ska bands legally had to put down their horns or they’d face the wrath of the general public/private investors and few did it as well as Less Than Jake did it on “In With The Out Crowd”. Sadly, most LTJ super fans and regular pedestrians did not agree… We are here to change that, as “In With The Out Crowd” could never be an overrated LP to anyone anywhere anytime! Unless Less Than Jake was granted permission to be released from their contract, this album, the band’s second of two major label releases for Sire, is likely what got the band dropped. Fun fact: The band released their two crowd favorite LPs, “Losing Streak” and “Hello Rockview” via Capitol Records the century prior, so like Jimmy Eat World, Capitol had ‘em in the ‘90s, and another conglomerate did in the ‘00s.

The Spill Canvas “No Really, I’m Fine” (2007)

Maybe the most successful release here, Sioux Falls, South Dakota’s The Spill Canvas’ best LP “No Really, I’m Fine” did well whilst maintaining permanent underrated status. Appearing on the Billboard 200 is a badass stat for any band, but we still are saddened that “No Really, I’m Fine” debuted at a paltry meh 143 on said chart, and left quickly after. Still, the band likely plays several songs from this record at every show. Mainstream non-scene acts like Switchfoot and Goo Goo Dolls took TSC on tour a few years after this dropped, and if that doesn’t dare you to move with Iris, we don’t know what will! Dig into the band’s catalog for all of the feels, including curling yourself into a ball in the corner of your bedroom, and attempt to smile (for them).

The Von Bondies “Pawn Shoppe Heart” (2004)

Jack White’s wrath… That’s the tweet!

As the Owner of Your Small Town’s Only Pizza Place, I Pride Myself On Making the Shittiest Pizza Possible

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In a world full of gourmet options and high culinary standards, I, Tony DeMarco of Tony’s Pizzeria in the middle of nowhere Indiana, take great pride in offering something completely underwhelming. As the owner of the only pizza place in our quaint little town, I have made it my mission to serve up the worst pizza you’ve ever had. Some might call it a lack of ambition, others call it laziness, but I call it a commitment to mediocrity. I don’t even care that I have only a single star on Google, because I’m the only result and all the shit suckers in this town will just have to deal with it.

Let’s face it, not every town needs a wood-fired, hand-tossed, organic, artisanal pizza joint. What our town needs is something reliable, predictable, and entirely forgettable. That’s where my pizza comes in. My crusts are a perfect homage to cardboard, and my sauce is a masterpiece of metallic tomatoes and excessive salt that leaves your mouth feeling like you licked a car battery while scuba diving in the ocean. Toppings? Who needs fresh ingredients when you’ve got a freezer full of questionable meats and rubbery vegetables?

Some may wonder how I can stay in business with such a disdain for quality. The answer is simple: I’m the only game in town. When you have a monopoly, you can afford to be terrible. My secret sauce isn’t just the watery tomato paste I slather on my pies; it’s the fact that my customers have no other choice. You can’t get this kind of culinary tyranny just anywhere, you know. What are you going to do? Make your own pizza at home?! Tell that to the rusted outdoor pizza oven you got three years ago and only used once.

I see the look of resignation on the faces of my patrons as they bite into a slice of my cold, soggy, greasy pizza. It’s a look that says, “I wish I could eat somewhere else, but Tony’s is all we’ve got.” And there’s a certain joy in that for me. I am your culinary dictator and you suffer under my undercooked wrath. You may not love my pizza, but you need it: sleepovers, office parties, too tired to cook… I am your only option and I get off on knowing that, also I’m going to start closing at 4 p.m. from now on, and I won’t be open for lunch either.

In a world obsessed with excellence and high standards, I find solace in my corner of culinary crap. So, to all the foodies and critics out there, I say this: come to Tony’s Pizzeria and experience the joy of having no expectations met. It’s not just a meal; it’s a reminder that sometimes, in the grand tapestry of life, you are going to have to settle for less.

Bon appétit, or whatever.

Texas to Celebrate 25th Anniversary of “The Green Mile” by Executing 25 Innocent People

Posted on by Drew Gigis

AUSTIN, Texas — Government officials in Texas announced their state will pay homage to the iconic film “The Green Mile” on the 25th anniversary of its release by executing 25 completely innocent people, deranged sources confirmed.

“Texas has a rich history of putting innocent people to death, 16 that have been proven in court, and a few of those innocent people weren’t even mentally competent enough to understand what was happening. We are proud of that,” commented Texas Governor Greg Abbott. “We’ve had many citizens contact our office asking why it’s been so long since an innocent person has been murdered by the state. Unfortunately, blaming left-wing communists isn’t cutting it anymore. That’s why we are holding this event, to honor one of the greatest films ever created and satisfy the bloodlust of our insane communities.”

Although there have been some mixed reviews on the ceremony, the response has been mostly positive especially from convicted serial killer Richard Katowski, also known as, “The Giggling Grandma of Galveston.”

“Ah yeah, the nickname tends to confuse people. I used to dress up as an old woman to give people a false sense of security and then I’d tell them jokes the whole time I was torturing them. I’m a big ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ fan,” explained Katowski without blinking. “I’m excited for the celebration, any time an innocent person is killed I get rock hard, I’m talking forged steel, you could use this thing as an anvil if you wanted. Plus, I was scheduled to die next month but it got delayed because they needed all the pentobarbital for the fest, and since I’m guilty as hell so I’m ineligible for it.”

The celebration will be kicked off by “Green Mile” actor Tom Hanks who seemed to not understand what was happening.

“I’m honored to open the ceremony. I am enormously proud to have been a part of that film that has such a great legacy here in Texas,” said Hanks. “People think I’m such a nice guy, but I enjoy watching the life drain out of a person’s eyes as much as the next guy. I can’t wait to see the electric chair in real life, I want to be the person who pushes the buttons that inject the deadly cocktail into the veins of an innocent person while their mother cries behind soundproof glass. It’s why I got into acting.

At press time, Governor Abbott remarked that while Texas is elated for the celebration, it pales in comparison to what they have planned for the anniversary of “American History X.”

Why Am I Saving for Retirement When There’s All This Badass Grave Digger Merch Here Right Now?

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I used to set aside fifteen percent of my paycheck for IRAs, savings accounts, and other get-rich-slow schemes. But why am I saving money for my life in the future when I should be spending money on important things, like incredibly sick Grave Digger gear that would make me the envy of everyone in my mandatory anger management meetings?

Besides getting spanked by Mrs. Claus, early retirement was my second wettest dream, but my golden years are too far away. Fuck it. I don’t care if I die early, as long as I’m buried in a Gold Digger-branded coffin that gets crushed by my favorite monster truck in front of my entire family. You can’t put a price on that. It’s a much better use for the money I was saving to buy a condo in Florida. The beaches are full of sharks and perverts, anyway.

I’m willing to work overtime until I’m 76 as long as I get to wear this officially licensed Monster Jam driving jacket to the office every day. I think I’m gonna blow it out and get the driving gloves, too. My 2013 Honda Accord has low mileage and top-of-the-line safety features, but there’s a mini-Digger yearning to be more than a fiscally responsible beige flag.

And with the power of my new monster truck merchandise, I will fill my suburban streets with badass wheelies synchronized to George Thorogood. Right now, I have no idea how to do that, but as soon as I figure out how to turn a four-door sedan with years worth of scentless pine tree air fresheners into an unholy visage that defiles Judeo-Christian sensibilities, I’ll learn how to do some badass wheelies. I’ll find another George Thorogood song, too because “Bad To the Bone” is Grave Digger’s thing and I don’t want to cross my hero.

The best part about this authentic driving helmet with built-in goggles that I’m also gonna buy is that there were only 650,000 of these made. In ten years, it’ll be a collector’s item! I’m pretty sure I’m also gonna get a year’s supply of this multi-ply Monster Jam toilet paper because it’s a shockingly good deal for bathroom supplies being sold next to an escalator in an NFL stadium. If they sold dick supplies and vegetables, I’d never shop at Hims or the grocery store again!

For all I know, I could die tomorrow, and I’m not willing to live another day without the greatest collection of Grave Digger merchandise imaginable. From now on, I’m scaling down retirement savings and scaling up Monster Energy Drink consumption and die-cast remote-controlled Grave Diggers. I’ll kiss being a young snowbird goodbye because I’ll never live long enough to care.

Firefighter Won’t Leave Firetruck to Battle Inferno Until Song Ends

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MILWAUKEE — Local firefighters are struggling to reign in an out-of-control five-alarm warehouse blaze, partially due to equipment operator Eddie Daniels refusing to leave the truck until his favorite song ends, onlookers have reported.

“First of all, this warehouse is old and ugly so I don’t know why everyone is getting so upset. And secondly, this is Metallica’s ‘One’ we’re talking about and there’s no way I’m leaving the truck this early in the song,” said Daniels. “The crew can bang on the door all they want, I’m not putting on my oxygen tank until the ‘darkness imprisoning me’ part. Plus the flames are really making the lyrics land ten times harder. They know damn well this is my ritual, so find someone else to hook up the hose.”

Daniels’ crew captain was quickly running out of patience as the fire began to spread.

“In the name of all that is holy, this fire is going to engulf a whole city block unless we get it under control and this idiot is headbanging in the cab until he’s ‘in the zone’ or whatever. If his love of radio-friendly metal matched his passion for doing his goddamn job he’d be my boss by now,” said Cpt. Bill McCullough. “I should’ve known he was going to be on his bullshit when the music was louder than the sirens on route to the scene. By the time the song ends, half the neighborhood is going to be cinders.”

911 dispatches noted that many emergencies are exacerbated by distracted first responders.

“Metalheads and jam band lovers are the last responders that I want on scene mostly because they’re more concerned with getting pumped up to handle the situation than actually doing something. Half the time I’m switching back and forth between trying to calm down the caller and convincing cops on scene to wrap up their Pantera karaoke,” said dispatcher Katie White. “Just last week a school bus was teetering over the edge of the Sixth Street Bridge and those kids were barely saved in time because the whole fire rescue team were locked into King Gizzard’s ‘Nonagon Infinity’ on repeat. They don’t pay me enough to deal with this shit.”

As of press time, six people had died by the time Daniels finally exited the firetruck only to start using the hose to play air guitar until the song ended.