Help! I Tried Ordering From Chik-Fil-A’s Secret Menu And Now I’m Enrolled In Conversion Therapy

Posted on by Dustin Newman

As a person on the go, I understand that fast food is about convenience, not quality, so I’ve never filed a formal complaint until now. I’ve experienced everything from undercooked meat to hair in my Diet Coke. Still, nothing compares to my recent trip to Chick-fil-A where smiling members of the staff nearly hog-tied me and sent me to one of South Carolina’s last remaining gay conversion programs.

Already feeling self-conscious about ordering off the secret menu for the first time, you can imagine my horror when I asked the cashier whether I should try the fried chicken club or the spicy char sandwich and he recommended I try “being electroshocked by an unlicensed counselor in a church basement.” Appalled but starving, I settled on the fried chicken club and grabbed my order number.

Only after realizing everyone in line behind me was getting their food did I notice there was no order number on my receipt, but instead a quote that read, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” Was this some sort of joke? Of course, I’d heard about Chick-fil-A’s sordid past and homophobic reputation, but surely the staff couldn’t be emotionally invested in the sexual orientation of each and every one of its customers.

I marched back up to the register to demand an explanation for this kind of bigotry, but before I could get a word out, the cashier advised me to “pray the gay away” and then slipped a rubber band around my wrist and whispered in my ear for me to snap it on my skin every time I had an impure thought while watching a Channing Tatum movie.

I was beyond disgusted and in total disbelief, but I was a paying customer and I’d be damned if I was going to leave this god-fearing shit hole without some free dipping sauces.

He informed me they had honey mustard, garden herb ranch, and a “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman” Polynesian blend. That was the last straw. I took my Polynesian dipping sauces and got out of there, but not before the cashier gave me his number and told me to contact him if I was ever interested in living in God’s vision. Anti-gay rhetoric aside, he was physically very much my type. Now I just have to convert him.

“Great American Baking Show” Cancelled After 6th Mass Shooting

Posted on by Cody Arbor

LONDON–The “Great American Baking Show” came to an ignoble end after a record-shattering sixth mass-shooting struck the Pinewood lot in a short timespan, traumatized sources confirmed.

“We really wanted to make the American bakers feel at home here in England. The contestants’ benefits were slashed, free healthcare was not provided, Lawrence Fox and Piers Morgan were blared on constant rotation in our rooms, and the usually strict laws around gun ownership in the UK were relaxed,” revealed producer Clark Davis. “The last thing we’d want is for the contestants to feel like they weren’t getting an experience that matched the one they were used to across the Pond. But unfortunately, with that came the completely avoidable repeated tragedy of mass shooting after mass shooting. Madmen armed to the teeth coming to our peaceful tent to ‘make a statement’ or some deranged rubbish. At this rate, our insurance is so high that we can’t even afford a single minute of filming. ”

Laurie Smith, one of the contestants on the now-final season, was surprisingly upbeat and even optimistic.

“We assumed by ‘make you feel at home’ they meant they’d provide an Applebee’s or a Big Lots, but I do have to say that the discarded bottles of Oxy were a nice touch, and having every room stocked with a pair of complementary assault rifles reminds me of my lovely trip through Florida last year,” said Smith while wrapped in a blanket in the back of an ambulance. “Frankly, the only surprise is that it’s all coming to a close. You’d think after the third or fourth, people would just accept that this would be a part of daily life by now.”

Cohost Paul Hollywood was tragically injured during the gunfire, but was able to provide a brief interview.

“The bullet that obliterated my shin was well-manufactured and constructed in the spirit of the round, that the shooter’s aim was stodgy and half-baked, and the hollow-point itself was a disappointing, soggy-bottomed pop rather than a burst of spicy flavor and shrapnel that was to be expected,” said Hollywood from his hospital bed. “Ultimately the challenge was a disappointment, and I frankly expected a higher standard at this point in the show.”

When approached for comment, Parliament blamed the EU’s lax immigration standards, and Congress suggested introducing prayer into all British schools.

Top 5 Ways Restaurant Work Taught Me To Hate Myself and Everyone Else Around Me

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I don’t know if it’s because I’m constantly saying, “Yes, Chef!” like I’m in a cult, deboning sugar gliders because Sysco had a deal on marsupial, or fake smiling at guests that put ketchup on salad, but I hate this restaurant, myself, and everyone around me. My parents wanted me to stay in med school, but no way I was gonna learn this much about the human condition at NYU.

Here are the top 5 ways that food service has transformed me into an animal that knows only hate:

My favorite meal is a cigarette next to a dumpster

I don’t even like smoking. Or vodka. But here I am taking shots and dragging a cowboy killer because they’re the only escape from the insanity of a restaurant full of people unable to calculate 20% of any given number or coworkers incapable of dating outside this kitchen.

Rolling silverware is my only hobby

Thanks to working in a kitchen, I mistrust free time. While my roomates are in the front of house relaxing, I’m prepping for the next rush. We could get slammed by a six top of friends at any time, and not having enough flatware would be embarrassing. Sidework is not supposed to come home unless it’s blaming mid-shift for fucking up my station.

Cups don’t exist

My body will reject the concept of water before it allows me to drink liquid from anything other than a 32 oz. deli container. Recently, I ended a relationship because a woman had the nerve to ask for a wine glass. There’s no way I’m the only one who knows pinot noir tastes superior out of egg drop soup containers.

Crocs have become acceptable footwear

I used to have style, but I’ve been gobbled up and spit out by service industry non-slip footwear standards. Fuck it. Plus, all my clothes permanently smell like vinaigrette and feet, but I’m too tired to care. I look stupid, and I know it.

I have all these tattoos now

I have not one but nine knife tattoos. I also have one of the primal beef cuts on my neck. As badass as they look, they’re the exact reason I can barely make rent. If I hate restaurant work so much, why am I like this?

Restaurant work is toxic, but I’ve learned so much in the last three weeks as an Applebee’s dishwasher. I won’t be a doctor, but I probably will be the next Anthony Bourdain. Not in terms of the fame or the money, but the mental health problems for sure.

Coffee Shop Patrons Announce Plans to Look Up Every 25 Seconds

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

BATON ROUGE, La. — Customers at the Eager Legume coffee shop made a collective, unrehearsed announcement to bob their heads up and look around in 25-second intervals, reported several sources who swear they just came here to get some work done.

“I love coming here and reading a chapter of a book,” regular patron David Stephanidies said. “And by ‘reading a chapter of a book,’ I mean, ‘Reading half a paragraph, getting distracted every time someone enters and glancing like I’m Tony in the penultimate shot of ‘The Sopranos.’ It could also be food being announced at the window when I didn’t order anything, an employee watering one of the hanging ferns, or just my own decimated concentration exposing itself to the point that I can’t maintain focus on a single cognition-enriching activity for even a minute. It’s such a good way to unwind.”

Eager Legume owner Leslie Mosko says the experience of seeing patrons look up in momentary wonderment with such frequency is the most satisfying aspect of her job.

“Keeping this place running certainly isn’t easy, and there have been times when I’ve considered calling it quits,” Mosko said, “But then, a chain of people looking away from their laptops because someone dropped a spoon behind the counter starts, and I remember why I got into this business. The best part is when they look up, make momentary eye contact with someone who’s clearly a stranger and sheepishly pretend to look back at their half-assed screenplay. It’s such a thrill.”

Café sociologist Audrey Zhang cites these occurrences at Eager Legume and similar establishments as evidence of a base desire to foster connection and community while also reconciling it with one’s inability to be in the moment for any meaningful duration.

“People come to places like here because they think the combination of Sade playing through the speakers and eggshell walls will bring them to sustained communal concentration. Granted, some can achieve this,” said Zhang. “But others can’t finish a two-sentence email without looking to see if they know whoever it is walking by them holding a breakfast quiche and scrolling TikTok. Furthermore, the long-term effects of the pandemic have made it near-impossible to….sorry, a guy who used to be in my old roommate’s girlfriend’s band just walked in. What were we talking about?”

At press time, Eager Legume announced plans to add a loud bell to their front door.

Is the US Going to Fall in the Next 50 Years? Place Bets Now and Earn up to $200 in Bonus Bets With DraftKings!

Posted on by Drew Gigis

Are you supportive of the current path the United States is on? Do you despise the way the country is being run and feel like it’s going to lead to the collapse of the once-great superpower? Or are you just a degenerate gambler in need of a bigger fix? Well, now you can put your money where your political leanings are and bet on the success or failure of America with DraftKings!

Gambling in itself is enough of a rush, whether it’s your favorite team coming through for you even though they suck, and betting on them has never once paid off. In fact, constantly betting on that same team has cost you your wife, kids, job, and more to come. Or maybe you prefer to bet that the star player is finally going to get his head out of his ass and actually do his job! Looking at you Brock Purdy. DraftKings felt the need to up the ante and give you some real skin in the game!

The top sports betting app is giving you the opportunity to win big even if that means an entire nation goes to absolute shit! We are talking complete societal collapse of the United States, and with that world economies will tumble alongside it. With DraftKings, you can now place bets on the future of society and either display a true expression of patriotism and support for your country or come out on the other side with a leg up on the rival gangs of a dystopian underworld.

Let’s say you’re right, and the empire does come crashing down, DraftKings gives you peace of mind knowing that your winnings can be converted to any currency needed following a hostile takeover. Yen, rubles, hell we’ll pay you in salt if need be! Just placing a $5 bet earns you $200 in available bonus bets including our various prop bets associated with America’s demise such as “Who launches the first thermonuclear weapon?” and “Does the fall come from within the country?” We almost forgot to mention that every bet made automatically enters you into a drawing to win a pack of waterproof matches and a loaded gun! Get in on the action now before a new fascist regime doesn’t allow you to!

Disclaimer: Draftkings is not responsible for the downfall of any sovereign nation due to sports betting. Please bet responsibly and follow any directions from the new overlords. It’s easier this way. Gambling problem? Call 800-589-9966 if you are still allowed to.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Are More Coherent Than Anything Said in the Debate

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

If you saw the latest spectacle that was the first Presidential Debate of the 2024 election season, your nerves are likely as shot as your brain is dead. While we can’t quickly fix the current trajectory of the nation, we can at least help soothe your low-grade panic attack with some new music. Here are six songs you can play on repeat while you look up the cost of moving to Canada.

MJ Lenderman “She’s Leaving You”

Although more popularly known as the guitar virtuoso of indie-rockers Wednesday, MJ Lenderman has a well-established solo career of his own. This week, he dropped the excellent ‘She’s Leaving You’ from his upcoming fourth LP, ‘Manning Fireworks.’ It’s a blast of sunny yet somber 90’s indie rock that is sure to have you considering unblocking your ex. It’s still a bad idea in case you needed to hear it.

chest. “Going Clear”

Tuck that t-shirt in because the post-punk invasion is in full bloom. New to the fold is the Parisian quintet known as chest. Don’t try to Google them unless you feel like being convinced that you’re having a heart attack or that you need to update your workout regimen, but do give their absolute banger of a debut single ‘Going Clear’ several listens.

Gel “Persona”

If you’ve been by the office recently and have been wondering about all the plywood in the windows, it’s there because one of hardcore’s most exciting new bands, Gel, are back at it. Our landlord said he won’t replace the windows again after what happened when the band’s debut album dropped. One listen to their latest ‘Persona,’ and you’ll understand the precautionary measures taken here.

Weezer “Surf Wax America fr. Joyce Manor”

Weezer’s massively successful ‘Blue Album’ is somehow celebrating its 30th goddamn anniversary this year. The band is obviously in full celebration mode. Earlier this week, they dropped a live EP with arrangements of classic songs from the album. Most notably, they recorded a new version of ‘Surf Wax America’ with noted Weezer disciple Barry Johnson of Joyce Manor. It’s a massive nod to the continued influence of the record, and Johnson’s palpable joy on the track is infectious.

Bright Eyes “Bells and Whistles”

Like your student loan debt and cockroaches after a nuclear war, some things just refuse to die. Take Bright Eyes for example. Despite having already released enough classic genre-defying albums to fill a psych ward, the band is showing no signs of bowing out with the announcement of a new album ‘Five Dice, All Threes.’ The lead single ‘Bells and Whistles’ will transport you to a smoky bar circa 2005, before you knew about all the horrors of 2015-onward.

Nada Surf “New Propeller”

Indie-rock cult legends Nada Surf are set to release the follow-up to 2020’s ‘Never Not Together’ in just a few months. With only two singles released thus far, ‘Moon Mirror’ is already shaping up to be another classic from the New York quartet. The latest ‘New Propeller’ is a meditation on the unrelenting tides of change, and promises the listener that the core of themselves will remain recognizable. That’s a bit depressing in your case, but still a nice thought.

Because we know you’re too despondent to do it yourself, we’ve compiled these and several other questionable tunes into a playlist for you. It’s literally the least we could do. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you aren’t having full-blown anxiety about everything.

Gwar Fill-in Obviously Threw Costume Together From Things Laying Around Their Home

Posted on by Travis Tack

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Gwar’s temporary bassist James Matterhorn appeared to be wearing a costume he hastily threw together from common household items, confirmed sources who were not mad, just disappointed.

“The guy was calling himself ‘Ulikka The Gooch’ and wearing a spaghetti strainer on his head,” complained concertgoer Mike Lee. “It felt like he was not taking Gwar seriously. As a ticket holder, I was somewhat insulted. We all were. I mean, we took time out of our busy schedules and we’re paying good money to see a live show and get sprayed with fake blood, and this guy’s up on stage with couch cushions duct taped to his chest. I expect higher quality from this band.”

Matterhorn is an up-and-coming fill-in musician, but this was his first time performing with Gwar.

“This was all very last minute,” Matterhorn said while checking to see if a goalie mask would work for tonight’s fill-in show with Slipknot. “On Tuesday, I was temping at Bank of America, and now I’m here – singing about being attacked by penguins while wearing a jacket covered in vacuum cleaner attachments. It’s a lot. I’m still getting used to it. This is a big change of pace for me. This is partially my fault though. I lied on my resume about having a full science fiction-themed costume with mythological backstory.”

Members of the band were thankful they could get someone on such short notice, but were not entirely pleased with the result.

“James is a talented bass player and a very kind person, but a lot of people had a hard time believing he was an interplanetary scumdog fixated on wrecking human civilization, conquering the planet and feeding every person to the world maggot. It’s a shame that we will almost certainly have to kill him,” explained Gwar frontman Blöthar the Berserker, known to family and friends as Michael Bishop. “For one thing, the guy was wearing oven mitts. Not ideal. But at least he seemed to have a great time throwing people into the meat grinder. That’s something.”

At press time, guitarist Mike Derks, also known as Balsac the Jaws of Death, loaned Matterhorn his backup bear trap headgear, as long as he promised to take it to the dry cleaners after the performance.

Opinion: I Was Part of the Government’s Top Secret Rodent Man Experiments and I Don’t Appreciate Being Sexualized

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Like millions of Americans, you have probably been enthralled with the recent wave of fairly weird-looking celebrities being labeled as ‘Hot Rodent Men.’ Look, I get it. Guys like Timothée Chalamet are certainly attractive to some, and definitely have vermin-esque features. Beneath those beady eyes and angular chins lies a harrowing darkness, however. Before you make another TikTok about how Mike Faist is ‘low key ugly’ but also ‘vibes,’ you should know the ick-inducing truth.

In the summer of 2005, several of these ‘hot rodent men’ and I were part of a top secret government program known as ‘Operation HRM12.’ The initial goal of this experiment was to create a hyper-intelligent species of rat that could infiltrate the powerful Mole Man society that resides beneath the New York City subway system. We were told the project was imperative to national security. We were almost successful even. Until… the incident occurred.

As our cerebral matter was infused with the ever-growing vermin army, several hundred lab rats started speaking incoherent gibberish before promptly exploding; killing the government’s dreams of conquering the nefarious Mole Man King. Devastated by their loss, the scientists turned their ire toward the humans. We were subjected to numerous tests, ranging from all cheddar diets to experimental neck-building exercises to help us withstand the Mole Men’s various man-sized mouse traps.

To help normalize the horrifying changes to our facial features, those who could take no more were forced to sign NDAs and pursue careers in the entertainment industry. The unlucky few who stayed progressed further into rat-human monstrosities reminiscent of Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Had I not escaped into the sewers, I might be residing in the island colony to which they were exiled.

You’ll have to forgive me for not jumping for joy over this impending ‘Rat Boy Summer.’ While you gawk over Jeremy Allen White, I remember his blood-curdling pleas of lactose-intolerance during the cheddar trials. As you daydream about stuffing Kieran Culkin in your shirt pocket, I revisit memories of him sobbing as he is forced to watch an unreleased episode of “Tom and Jerry” in which the former is brutally clawed to death by the latter on a twelve-hour loop.

I don’t care what gets you off. Now that you know the truth, however, I just want you to think of the human being with .009% rat DNA before objectifying them.

Punk Band More Known for Their Work as Line Cooks Rather Than Their Music

Posted on by Ian Steffé

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk band Wizard Wrecker are trying to make peace with the fact they are highly regarded for their work as line cooks at local venue Bloody Knuckles, rather than any music they ever made, sources confirmed.

“I can’t say their music is awful because I actually respect awful, it makes you actually feel something,” confessed Alex Bui, booker and GM of the club. “It’s something worse than that: they’re boring. We let them do a show once and people were so tuned out that I saw people using their phones to compare car insurance rates. Taking a Tylenol PM and reading a phone book would be more entertaining than whatever they were doing. But we hired them later when we opened the kitchen. And they make this smashburger that is just transcendent. It tastes like an idea of home you never knew but wish you had when your parents were still together. I know I’m saying this in ethereal terms, but… it really gets to you man.

Lines of customers are regularly outside the club ordering the 9-dollar burger, much to the chagrin of the band that has to serve them.

“I honestly don’t get what the deal is other than a lot of these people are drunk and rowdy,” said lead singer Ben Naramore, looking through the service window. “I mean it’s just meat, cheese and mayo. The irony is this job has made us so much more money and we can finally afford studio time now. But we haven’t played in months because we’re working overtime over here. It’s hard to choose between the two. I mean, we have insurance! How am I supposed to walk away from that?”

This issue with identity is not a new phenomena, according to punk historian Jay Bothwell.

“The band should be happy that they’re known for something somewhat positive, honestly. Other bands have been overshadowed by far less. No one remembers Blocked Shots in Omaha until you bring up the Chevy Suburban their guitarist drove. They couldn’t book a gig, but that SUV helped many great bands move a lot of equipment,” said Bothell. “Then there’s Open Casket in Minneapolis. They were spinning their wheels in the ‘80s until their drummer beat the shit out of Paul Westerburg. Actually, not much changed after that. That was a two-week pop of attention.”

As of press time, Wizard Wrecker announced they already sold out of a new shirt honoring their in-demand burger, while their full-length LP on Soundcloud remains at 14 self-listens.

How I Celebrated Pride Month By Calling My Gay Cousin Just My Cousin

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

Pride month is almost over, and you might be wondering how I celebrated these past few weeks. Well, I did what any great ally should do, all month I’ve been calling my gay cousin just my cousin. I love my gay cousin—sorry, my cousin—Jeremy. He came out a few years ago as bisexual. But we all know that’s just a one-way track to getting a train run on you in a truck stop bathroom. He asked if we could go on a cruise, and I told him no-sir-ee! You can’t be doing that in front of the kids! He then shook his head and took my sister on a Regent Seven Seas cruise through the Scandinavian Alps.

You’re asking if I am the only one in our family who calls him “gay cousin” instead of just Jeremy? No, not at all. It’s me, Uncle Lou who has that cool sticker on his car with a snake on a yellow flag and Grandpa Johnson who thinks we should ‘bring back redlining.’ I have to remind him that while it might not be around anymore it’s always with us in spirit.

But hey, pride is beautiful! Love is love. I could go on and on with slogans I’ve seen on t-shirts at Target. It’s the holiest month of the year. Get it? Because glory hole? Like the Troye Sivan song? How do I know who Troye Sivan is? Don’t ask me questions. My kids like to play his songs. He can actually dance so well. Plus hey. I don’t see color. In those logos. Seriously, why did none of those companies do that this year? You guys didn’t? That’s honestly homophobic. And that’s on period, yas queen! Did I use that right?

Hey, little victories, and little changes in habit, they’re all progress. I mean, that’s what my gay cousin always says. I took the kids to pride this year, and they had a lot of fun. The town is called Boystown, that’s so clever! There was a lot going on in the parade that my kids had never seen before so I did have to answer a lot of questions. Like “What is Deloitte?” and “What is Lockheed Martin?” This year, I learned that at the end of the day, my cousin and I, we’re not so different after all. We both go through the back door, if you know what I’m saying. You know what I’m saying? I’m saying that I’m cheating on my wife so I need to make sure she doesn’t catch me. Love is love, am I right?